10x05 - Legends of the Mall

God, I love the mall.

It's where the stores live.


Let's just make sure this is a quick trip In and out, an hour, tops Since we had to close the restaurant to come here.

Yeah, there are probably ones of people back there banging on the door.

We know, Bob.

We're just here to get you nice new dress pants for Cousin Jerry's wedding.

Remember, don't let Jerry see them before the ceremony.

Everybody didn't actually have to come, you know.

Well, Tina's not gonna pass up a trip to the mall.

Um, yeah, I might just peel off and do some teen things.

You know, check out the mall dolls.

-Mall dolls?

-Boys at the mall.

Galleria guys.

-Fashion Center fish.

Food court Casanovas.

-I get it.

Tina's pube-dar has been pinging like crazy ever since we got here.

She started scratching at the windows when we were still in the parking lot.

Okay, I better get this over with.

I really don't enjoy pants shopping.

How do you think the pants feel?

Bob, it's fine.

I'll be right there holding your hand.

And Gene and I will be right there, pointing out problem body areas.

Like there.


- Ooh, there.

- There.


That spot's fine.

- Eh - Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.

Forget it.

I only want your mother.

You guys go do something else for a while.

- Here's not very much money.

- I'll say.

Everybody meet by the fountain in an hour.

Let's mall!

You are here.

We are, but how does it know?

Duh, Jocelyn.

It connects to your phone or something.

Hey, Tammy.


You guys here to check out mall dolls, too?

All right, I'm marking my territory.

I'll take the second level from the cell phone case kiosk to Elvis Pretzel-y.

I mean, it's not that clever a pretzel store name.

Tina, you're not gonna steal our mall dolls.

You have zero mall game.

We have brand-new clothes we're going to return, and we got made up for free at Lashora.

And I get my blood pressure checked for free at the pharmacy.

It wouldn't let go of me.

Well, I walked through three perfume sample sprayers.

By accident, but I think it works.

If you think you can do better than us with the boys at the mall go ahead and try.


I will.

Something smells terrible.

Oh, it's me.

- Hi.

- What?

Hang on, I'll catch up.



- Hi.


- Hey!


Ooh, ow, tag.

Oh, my God, Q.


Dunlop is here.

He's doing a reading and a book signing of his new novel.

- Q. R. Dunlop?

- The mystery author.

All his books are set in the world of fine wine.

Remember that one I was reading Death Cabernet for Cutie?

Oh, right, that one book you read.

You carried it everywhere and made a big deal about it.

- I'm going in.

- What?


Lin, you're helping me buy pants.

Bob, I can't miss this.

It's a reading.

It's like a live book on tape.

But I need you to tell me what to get.

I'm gonna be standing there like an idiot.

Bob, look at me.

You can do this by yourself.

They're called pants, not can'ts.

-But -Oh, I see him.

His lips are moving.

He's started, I got to go!


Sinful buns by the Cinnabon.

I'm still dragging from soccer this morning.


Where there's soccer, there's shorts.

And why'd we go into that pet store?

My allergies are killing me now.

And he's sensitive.

Killer combo.

I'm just gonna pop another antihistamine and sit on this bench for a minute.

Self-care, so important.

Right, Skye?

Noah and I will just go get smoothies.

Yeah, you do that, Skye and Noah.

Get smoothies.

While I make a counter-clockwise approach.

Taking it slow.

I'm just a girl at the mall looking for a place to sit.

How about here?

Casually looking over, and Hi, I'm Okay, maybe took it too slow.

So, Gene, how are we gonna spend our sweet folding money?

We can take it to the mattress store and roll around on it like Demi Moore.


How about those?

Um, what are you pointing at?

I can't see past the terrifying motorized animals.

- We'll take two.

- Uh Come on, saddle up.

I'll take the dragon, and you can have the, um Wow, I don't what that - What is that?

- It's a green cat.

Or maybe, uh, an alligator?

- Cat-igator?

- Easy, cat-igator, easy.

All right, handlebars are by the ears.

To turn, just point their heads where you want them to go.

- Same way we turn Tina, got it.

- This button here is the throttle push it to go, let it go to stop.

Like my pen1s.

Feeling better about this.

- Some rules - We love rules.


No racing, no jousting, no Tokyo drifting, -no bumping.

-File those under not to do.

Got it.

I think we're ready.

Gene, give it some gas.

- Okay.

- Push the button!




Guess I'll bail.

I'm losing mall daylight.


I'm not gonna lie, this feels kind of nice.

Just a little human touch.

Is that so wrong?

Hey, hey.

Your boyfriend can't sleep here.

It's a mall.

Not a math class.


I'll squirt him with a water bottle.

- That's a mall cop Taser.

- Oh, no, he's just tired from sunrise soccer and too many antihistamines and did you say boyfriend?

- I'm not - I get it he's the total package.

- Take it outside.

- I don't actually even know him at all.

Okay, you win.

He can snooze a little longer.

I wish I had a girlfriend who'd fight for me like you do.

- Thanks, but I mean, I'm - Wait, you're Brian's girlfriend?

You know, I thought maybe he'd met someone.

I can't believe he didn't tell us about you.

- Hi, I'm Noah.

- I'm Skye.

I'm Tina, but wait, did She was all, "You better let my boyfriend sleep.

" -It was cute.

-I can see why he likes you.


- Actually, I, um - Coming in!

-Um, I -Mm!


Wow, great hugs.

- But guys, you don't understand, I - Tina!

You have a boyfriend?

I, um I I mean, what does it frickin' look like, Tammy?

Uh, let me just check on my boyfriend here.


That's right, Brian.

Just stay asleep.

Stay asleep.

Aren't you the guard at Family Fun Time?

I simply go where I'm needed.

And where they haven't tested me yet for drugs.

I can't believe Tina got a boyfriend.

With no mall game at all.

Hey, Tammy?

Inside voice, 'Kay?

Brian really needs his sleep and you sound kind of like a toy that needs new batteries.

No offense.

- Let's just go, Jocelyn.

- Yeah.

Let's go hate shop.

So where did you guys meet?

Great question, Skye.

And the answer I have at my fingertips is that we met here at the mall.

In the food court.

- At the, um, barbecue place.

- But Brian's vegetarian.

I know!

Uh, we-we were, um, there to protest.

We threw barbecue sauce on their fur coats.

- Why did they have fur coats?

- Look, they just did, Skye.

Sorry, sorry.

I-I just get so mad thinking about all that fur - and barbecue.

- You guys seem great together.

I'm really glad Brian met you.

And I can't wait to meet him in heaven.

You know, for the second time, after we're both dead?

Do you need any assistance today?


No, thanks, I'm, uh, I'm-I'm just looking.

At, um, pants.

Uh, these are pants, right?

- Those are pants.

- Yeah.

I recognize them.

I-I usually pants shop with my wife, who's not here, - so - I'm sure I can help.

Do you know your waist size?

Uh, I would say, uh 32?

Let's just get a measurement.

Thirty eight.

Uh, how about - now?

- 39.

How'd it get bigger?

All right, why don't we just with these?

- Those look huge.

- Don't worry, they're the same price as normal pants.

Let's open this up for you.

Underwear stays on.

Are we clear on that?

I'll do my best.

It's, uh, - it's really old elastic.

- Hmm "A sense of foreboding hung over the tasting room.

" Fun, right?

So frickin' suspenseful, I love it.

"Master Sommelier Jack Rocker felt the heaviness of the corkscrew in his pocket.

" Excuse me.


"Alice nervously oxygenated her Pinot "round and around, when suddenly " - Huh.

- Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I get the hiccups in tense situations.

I'm so sorry.

It's the last one, I can tell.

It's the last one.

"The magnum of Riesling exploded " I-I think the murder part's coming up.

That'll scare them out of me.

- Keep going, Q. R. .

- Yeah.

- Sorry.

Keep going.

- Okay.

"Parker, the winery's "young social media manager, lay lifeless, his head in the spit bucket.

" Parker, no.

- Hey, it worked.

- Good.

"The ma I can't believe we got dusted by that old lady on the Rascal.

That thing wasn't street legal.

And I don't mind losing, but the taunting was very hurtful.

Okay, we've raced, we've Tokyo drifted, we've bumped Aah!

- Stay in your lane!

- I guess we've done all the things they told us not to, so fun's over.

Let's go back.


Uh, Louise, mine isn't stopping.

- What do you mean?

- I'm on a runaway cat-igator!


Oh, my God, this just got fun again.

And so, once I looked into Brian's big brown eyes, - I just knew.

- Brian's blue eyes?


That's, uh, when I knew I was color-blind, Skye.

- Red, right?

- Green.

No frickin' way.

Just like Brian's hair.

- Right?

- No.

Hi, Tina.

Can't stop.

I just wanted to let you know that Jocelyn and I have boyfriends now, too, so that's happening.

We met them at the arcade and they're totally 13.

- Yeah.

Gonna be.

- Anyway Got to hit 12 first.

The big one-two.

I said not to talk.

You know what, they don't even know how old they are.

'Cause all they do is play sports, and they're just - super into sports.

- Video game sports.

The ones rated "E" for everyone.

Anyway we're gonna go pick up outfits for prom.

You said you'd help me find my mom.

Let's go!

How pathetic.

Pretending to have boyfriends when you don't?


Sales guy?

Uh, I'm not really sure about these.

I-I think I may hate myself in them?

Unless that's good?

Get over my thighs, son of a bitch!

Uh, are you all right in there?

- I'm fine.

- Sergeant Bosco?


Hi, uh, Bob.

You're, uh, you're by yourself?

You get divorced?

- No.


I, I - Not yet, huh?

Hang on to her.

Pants shopping by yourself - is the worst.

- Are those pleated all the way around?

- Uh, yeah.

- Oh, that joker doesn't get our bodies.

- What do you think of these?

- They're, uh, tight.

I went down a size.

You don't like them?

I didn't say that.

I mean, where is it written a plainclothes cop has to wear plain clothes, right?

- Hmm.

- So these are a maybe.

Let's look at yours.

Walk that way.

- Okay.

- Walk back to me.

No, no, those pants are wearing you, Bob.

Yeah, that's, uh, what I'm feeling.

All right, here's what we're gonna do: I'm gonna pick out a few things for you, you pick out a few things for me.

- Okay.

- Meet back here in five.

I want a splash of color in my batch.

- Surprise me.

- You d-you don't have to surprise me.

I can't hear you.

Lean in, everyone.

Get in there, Skye.

Great selfie, gang.

Or in Brian's case, a sleepie.



-What do you think?

Pop another antihistamine under Brian's tongue?

I just don't want him waking up, uh, with allergies.



You're the best girlfriend, Tina.


Somebody's texting Brian.

It's probably his mom checking on him.

Have you met her yet?

She's gonna love you.

"When can we kiss again?


" His mom sounds great.

Not her?

Uh, wrong number then, obviously.

Not for Brian.

"I wrote your name on my binder, Brian.

- Now it's my Briander.

" - Whoa.

I-I think we've got ourselves an old girlfriend, folks.


"So glad you asked me to be - your girlfriend yesterday.

" - Spambot?

Tina, it sounds like this girl thinks she's Brian's girlfriend.

Which means you're I know.

I can explain.

I didn't mean for this to happen.

Being two-timed!

- What?

- Brian's cheating on you, and that's not okay.

- We're Team Tina.

- Um - Go Team Tina.

- Mm Yes, Brian is obviously cheating on me.

Uh, I-I think the best thing is for me to slip away quietly without saying goodbye.

And you guys not to even mention my name because he doesn't deserve to hear it.

Tina, you can't let Brian treat you this way.

I don't know.

This new girl sounds pretty incredible.

They've got that Briander thing now.

You have to wake him up and confront him.

Or a revenge affair?

I kiss someone else?

You up for this, Noah?

Any interest?

Shaking your head from side to side does that mean yes?

Tina, wake and confront.

I'm really more the tire slasher type.

-Did he ride his bike here?

- Come on.

- Tina.

Right, right.

And turn, hand in pocket, now step it out.

Do a leg kick.


Touch my hand.

I don't know.

I keep going back to the purple corduroy.

- Am I crazy?

- Eh, maybe we both are.

What about these?

I went down another size.

Kind of had to squeeze them over the ankle holster.

Uh, I think I can read the serial number on your gun.

But they look good, right?

"Stop, thief!" "I'm in pursuit on foot.

" I don't know.

I don't know if this selection is cutting it.

I mean, there are other pants stores at the mall, right?


You know, I hear there's one where they serve you champagne.

Just checking on you gentlemen.

I brought these.

They're chinos treated with stain guard.

I noticed the pants you came in with were somewhat stained.

- So what if they are?

- Go to hell.

We're going to the champagne pants store.

I think you should wait for your wife to return.


What do you think I've been doing - for the last five years?

- Let's do this.

I'm scared to death but I am seeing some corners of the mall I don't usually get to!

That's a great-looking luggage store!

- Gene, just fall off.

- Onto mall marble?

It's the hardest surface in the universe, Louise!


The Grazielda Store.

I love their tchotchkes.

Gene, stay away from the Grazielda Store.

There's thousands of dollars of hideous breakable porcelain in there.

Okay, but the cat-igator kind of has a mind of its own.

Scarf kiosk!

Ooh, silky.



Ah, cashmere.

- Do it, Tina.

- Okay, I'm waking him up.

Here I go.


- Guy's out cold, what can I say?

- Tina!

- NOAH: Come on.

- Brian.

- Uh w-what?

Hope you're good and rested, boyfriend, -'cause we're about to get into it.

- Nice.

What's going on?

That's what Tina wants to know, Brian.

What's going on?

- Wait, who's Tina?

- Oh, so cold, man.

- Ugh.

- You mean her?

- Don't look at her like you've never seen her before.

Yeah, like she's some kind of stranger to you all of a sudden?

Uh, s-she is.

I -Wow.

-So I'm betting you never told Amanda about Tina, huh?


I mean, why would I?

I-I mean So apparently, I mean nothing to you?



Ah, I'm so confused.

How do you think I feel?

I almost kissed Noah.

- Not really.

- Debatable.

Huh, true colors coming out, you piece of teen garbage?

- W-We're not a thing.

- Unbelievable!

Say the word and I'll plant some sneakers on him and take him in the back for shoplifting.

No, no.


No, it's cool.

Hi, Q. R.

It's me, I'm Linda.

I feel terrible.

Well, let's just sign your book and move you along.

Oh, it could've been worse.

One time I got diarrhea at a magic show.

So, uh, Linda with an I or a Y?

So, the killer.

Is it the groundskeeper?

Um, w-why-why?

What makes you say that?

Did I get it?

Did I get it?


I mean, you-you couldn't have gotten it.

There-there are no clues in the first chapter.

Sure there are.

Like when his tractor backfires.

That's scary, murdery.

No, it startles the grape pickers.

It's to introduce Esmerelda and her connection to the land.

- Nah.

- You can't say nah.

It's my book.

I wrote it.

- Eh - Excuse me, did you just say the groundskeeper did it?

Yeah, I got it in one chapter.

I guess I don't need this.



I mean, it's just a guess.

Or, who knows?

Maybe it was the cork salesman?

They actually did it together.

Crap, I am good at this.

Anyway, it's Linda with an I.

Pants, not can'ts They're called pants, not can'ts P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Pants.

This cat-igator isn't stopping, people.

Walk fast for your lives!

Poor b*st*rd.

I got to do something.

Hey, hi.

Uh, just popping back to thank you for the long list of things you told us not to do on the AniMalls.

You're very welcome.

Not many kids thank me for that.

I mean, imagine if we had done that stuff.

Maybe the throttle button would have gotten, like, really stuck and one of us would've ended up just going around the mall forever.

Oh, yeah, I could definitely see that.

And then, uh, how would we even stop it, in this fun alternate universe bad kids scenario?

Uh, I mean, you probably couldn't.

Ha ha.

That would serve us right.

But really, how would we stop it?

Maybe you'd cut the battery cable?

Oh, that sounds really hard.


The cable runs on the underside of the AniMall, so it's anatomically correct.

You thought of everything.

And then there's a layer of fake fur you'd have to get through while the thing is moving.

It's Oh, h-holy crap, you're still talking.

I get it.

It's super hard.

Ah, this was fun.

I love hypotheticals.

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

I don't know her.

Tina's the best damn thing that's ever happened to you, and you're just throwing it away?

I don't think I can be friends with you anymore.



- Brian's right.

I-I don't know him.

- What?

Everything just happened so fast, and I-I let you think it was true, and then, maybe I started letting myself think it was true.

Brian didn't do anything wrong.

I did.

Oh, my God, Tina.

You're protecting him.


You are not worthy of Tina.

I'll need to see a receipt for those, playa.

Son of a bitch.

Maybe it would just be simpler for both of us if we got back together?

- Guys, listen - Tina, you're covering for Brian because you're a great person.

- I mean, compliment accepted, Noah, but - Or what?

We're supposed to believe that you're a crazy stranger who just plopped down on a bench next to a boy?

- That's what happened.

- Nice try.

Yeah, Tina.

You must be protecting me.

Nothing else makes sense.

- Damn it, Brian.

You, too?

- I don't know.

I had a lot of antihistamines.

It's like the Grazielda Store is pulling me in!

Excuse me, please keep that lizard-looking thing away from my door.

Thank you.

Gene, Gene.

I'm here.

I have a plan.

You mean climb onto yours?

I can't switch AniMalls midstream.

And by midstream, I mean pee-pee.

You can't, but I can.

Now hold onto me.


Shoo now.



Gene, steer away from the Grazielda Store.

I can't hold you and steer!

I'm not even good at either one by itself.

I just need a few seconds.

The cable.

Oh, damn food court knife.

Biodegradable crap!


No, no, no, no.

Get away!

I'll sacrifice my body!

I'm so weak.

Ah !

Almost got it Oh, God!

You did it, Louise.

You saved my sweet white ass!

And some sweet white porcelain.

Well, Gene, we rode 'em hard.

Let's put 'em away wet.

Very wet.

How can I get through to you guys?



Leave us alone, Tina.

You win, okay?

You have a boyfriend.

We are super impressed.

You are mall that.

I don't get it.

Oh, "mall.

" No, I don't even know this guy.

I-I made up the whole thing while he was asleep.

No one believes me.

But you do, right?

Of course you did.

How did we not think of that right away?

I don't know.

Tina doesn't date like a normal person.

When I saw her with a boy I didn't recognize, I should have assumed he was a robot or a hologram.


Thank you, Tammy.

Now do you believe me?

- Man.

- I guess.

- Wow.

So that's all straightened out.

What do you guys want to do now?

Food court?

Brian, I heard your stomach rumbling through the snores, buddy.

Uh, I'm gonna take off.

Go see Amanda.

Maybe we shouldn't go to the mall anymore.

But no matter what happens, we should all meet back here in ten years.

But not Tina.

I'll come back in ten years just in case.

It will probably seem kind of funny then, and who knows if Amanda will even be in the Oh, you're really far away.

- Squirt.

- Hey.

- You deserve it.

- I know.

You know what, Tina?

I take it back.

- You do have mall game.

- Oh, thanks, Tammy.

I can't believe I kissed an 11-year-old.

- I can.

- Hi, Tina.

- You have fun malling?

- I don't know.

Not really.

I guess maybe it's best to just let sleeping mall dolls lie.

'Cause otherwise it gets complicated real fast and turns into a crap show.

Oh, okay, great.

Let's talk later?

Hi, guys.

Whatcha been up to?

I rode the dragon and saved Gene's life.

- It was terrifying.

- Okay.

- Don't know what that means.

- Hey.

So I bought pants.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

I shopped by myself, Lin.

Well, Sergeant Bosco helped.

- We drank champagne.

- Quite a bit.

Are you guys wearing the same totally normal pants?

- Great minds - And not such great behinds.

Okay, I'm kind of thinking you weren't ready, Bob.


They do kind of look different in this light.


I don't think these are the same pants we tried on in the store.

There's so much gold thread.

Was that always there?

Eh, I'm gonna go home, see if I can get 'em off.

Stay married, Bob.

So, how was the book reading?

Ooh, let's see what Q.


Dunlop wrote in my book.

"For Linda Belcher.

Stay away from me.

I mean it.

" Aw, he loves me.

Well, I guess we should head back to the restaurant.

- What for, to dust it?

- You still need pants, Bob.

Let's return those and get you something age and body-appropriate.

There were a couple of stores Sergeant Bosco and I didn't make it to.

In and out.

An hour, tops.

I could kill an hour.

I might peel off again.

- Kids, here's some money.

- Gene, another round?

Try the tiger and the panda this time?

That better be a restaurant in the food court.

Do you think purple corduroys are out of the question?

I don't know.

Let me see them.

They're called pants, not can'ts They're called pants, not can'ts Ooh-ooh-ooh P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Pants P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Pants, pants, pants, pants Pants, pants, pants They're called pants, not can'ts Get yourself a new pair of pants They're called pants, not can'ts They're called pants, not can'ts Ooh-ooh-ooh P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Pants!