10x09 - All That Gene

- BOB: Okay, who wants eggs?

- TINA: Yes, please.

- LOUISE: Yes, hurry it up.

- Gene?

Where's Gene?

I think he was getting ready to do a performance of The Gene Show.

Oh, right.

The Gene Show.

Um, do you think he wants eggs?

Does this answer your question?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred eggs!

I'll take that as a yes.

Do you kids want scrambled or fried?

- Scrambled, please.

- Fried.

Does this answer your question?

Scrambly, scrambly, scrambly, - scrambly, scrambly, scrambly - Yep.

Got it.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, what'd I miss?

Did The Gene Show already start?

So far he's done one song and one performance piece - as a scrambled egg.

- Darn it!

But don't worry, Mother, as a special treat for our audience today, I am offering exclusive Gene Show merch.

- Is that my shirt?

- It can be, for four dollars.

I'll take it!

I love The Gene Show.

It's like having world-class entertainment right here in our home.

- I enjoy it.

- You know what I think is entertaining?

- (high-pitched): Aah!

- That.

I-I-I don't like that, when you poke my love handles.

LOUISE: You're starting to like it.

Gene, look, I'm a fan of all your performing stuff, too, especially up here in the apartment.

Down in the restaurant, it can be a little you know.

No.

What are you trying to say?

Yeah.

What are you trying to say?

I'm just saying, sometimes less is more.

Wrong!

Less is never more!

Just ask Al Pacino and mayonnaise!

- (high-pitched): Aah!

- Huh.

That lives up to the hype.

BOB: Teddy, do you want fries with that?

Uh, no, thanks.

Trying to stay slim.

Really?

I mean, right, sure.

(sniffs)

Wait a minute.

- Teddy, are you wearing cologne?

- Me?

No!

(sniffs)

It's Thundersports Body Spray.

LOUISE: If it's a spray and it goes on boys, Tina knows it.

Teddy, is there something Or someone You haven't told us about?

What?

No.

No.

No.

No.

Okay, yes.

Yeah, I've been spending a lot of time around Kathleen lately.

Aw.

The Irish lady from that apartment building?

- That's great, Teddy.

- Yeah, she got a new job as the accountant for a local theater company, The Happy Mask Sad Mask Players, and she asked me to help them out with their latest play.

They want me to build the whole set using old wood from past productions and, like, six nails.

Turns out theater companies don't make much money.

Papa, do we work at a theater company?

- Louise.

- Also, there's a little drama in their drama, 'cause yesterday the one kid in the play left the production to shoot a shampoo commercial.

Eh, you should've seen his hair, though.

- It was like a field of wheat.

- Damn.

Now they're holding emergency auditions for a replacement.

The show opens in two days.

(gasps)

Maybe Gene should audition for that part!

He's always entertaining people.

Maybe he's destined to be a (gasps)

theater person!

Mm, I don't know.

I mean, is what Gene does theater?

Hi.

Can I get you anything else?

Maybe one of these?

Jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly He's a natural!

What's the role, Teddy?

- Well, it's small, but it's - He'll do it!

Wait, Lin, you don't even know if this something Gene wants to do.

If what is something I want to do?

Teddy was just asking if you want to be in a play.

Does this answer your question?

Jiggly, jiggly Okay, well, I'm glad you're excited.

It's just, you realize you still have to audition, right?

Not a problem.

Can another kid do this?

- Gene, stop.

We have customers.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow So talented!

This counts as me mopping.

Aw.

A tiny theater.

Full of big dreams.

And a weird smell.

Follow me.

I'll take you backstage.

That's theater speak for "behind the stage.

" Ooh.

Oh, hey, Teddy.

Did you bring some friends?

Kathleen!

Hi.

I mean, hey.

I mean, hi.

(chuckles nervously)

I mean, hey.

Uh, you remember Linda and Gene Burger.

- Oh, yeah.

How are you?

- Great to see you, Kathleen!

I hear you're the new accountant here.

Yeah.

I get to see all the free shows I want.

Unfortunately, they're at this theater.

(giggles)

Eh, I'm kidding.

Consider me The Phantom of the Spreadsheet.

(laughing loudly)

- Sorry.

- Not much cash flow, though.

I don't even need a calculator.

This is a fingers-only kind of deal.

(laughs loudly, sighs)

(quietly): Easy, Teddy.

Hello.

So, you're Gene?

The young thespian Teddy was talking about?

And I'm his mom, Linda.

Hellooo.

That was a theater hello.

I'm Donovan, the director.

Let's knock this audition out quick.

It's tech week, and on top of losing an actor, I just lost a stagehand.

Ironically, he got a job at Foot Locker.

I love the high-intensity environment!

I can't imagine what it's like when you have a packed house.

(chuckles)

That's very funny.

We never have a packed house.

We've sold seven tickets for this show.

Seven?

That's like eight!

Oh, wait, that's still not good.

No one goes to local theater.

I probably should have listened to my father and gone into something safe.

He owned a safe company called Something Safe.

Let's do this, shall we?

You're gonna be great.

Now, I'm gonna give you ten kisses real quick.

(grunting, stammering)

Okay, okay.

Go, go.

(clears throat)

Gene Belcher.

American boy.

Special skills include sassy sounds, smooth skin, - (deep voice): heavy bones.

- Just start anytime, please.

Right.

Okay.

For my audition today, I will be doing the fight scene from Mechagodzilla vs.

Mothra, - set to an original funky beat.

- Stop.

Stop.

You know this isn't a musical, right?

It's the American classic, A Potluck in the Grass by Alabama O'Callahan, which you hopefully read?

Oh.

Um, pssh, yeah.

Which character am I auditioning for again?

Quiet Eli.

You know what?

Why don't you just say this line for me "Gosh, mister, those beans smell delicious.

" (high-pitched): Gosh, mister, those beans smell delicious.

- Great.

Not that.

- (booming voice): Gosh, mister, those beans smell delicious!

- Okay.

Not that, either.

- What about this?

Damn, girl, that pad Thai smells yum-my!

- What?

- What?

- Why did you say that?

- Why did I say what?

Why did you say "pad Thai"?

I thought I'd switch it up.

Also, doesn't pad Thai sound good right now?

Please say the line.

All right.

Gosh, mister, those beans smell delicious, even though I'd rather have some pad Thai!

You know what?

I think we're done.

Wait.

Really?

Did I get the part?

Um, I said we're done, which is something we say in the theater when we are done with you.

LINDA: Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

(singsongy): You were incredible.

Pretty good.

- No, I wasn't.

- Yes, you were.

- Let's just go home.

- Uh, you know what?

I, uh, I-I realized I forgot something inside.

I dropped my breath mint.

I'll be right back.

I'm sorry, but I just don't think Gene's right for Quiet Eli.

Trust me, he can do it.

He's a natural entertainer.

I'm sure he is.

He's just a bit much.

So then who's gonna get the part?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll just ask my cousin.

He's 26 but he has braces.

Wait!

Uh, what if we made an arrangement?

Maybe, uh, I could work for you for free.

- You need a stagehand, right?

- I do, but maybe not you.

Hey, what if I help you sell some tickets?

That's the toughest job in the whole show, honey.

I can do it, honey.

I can pack this house for opening night.

But if I promise a sell-out, will you promise to cast - my little Genie Spice Superstar?

- Throw in that first thing you said about working as a stagehand, and I think this might just be his big break.

(laughs): Oh, my God!

I'm gonna be a stage mom and a stagehand what a day!

Guess who's gonna be in a play, just like Lin-Manuel Hamiltons?

You're looking at Quiet Eli, baby!

Gosh, mister, those beans smell delicious!

- These are fries, right?

- Well, I'm glad Gene finally has something to focus his energy on.

I told you this was a good idea.

He's gonna be a great Quiet Eli.

I mean, he's not gonna be a quiet Quiet Eli.

Does the director guy know that?

Definitely!

Yeah.

He knows that.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess he gave him the role, so (chuckles): Exactly.

He gave him the role.

He totally did, fair and square.

Okay.

Why do you sound weird?

- Here's the thing, Bob.

- Oh, boy.

I may have kinda sorta persuaded the director by promising to sell all the tickets for opening night if he let Gene be in the play.

- What?!

- It's only 60 tickets.

Actually, he already sold seven, so it's 60 minus seven, which is fifty (mumbles)

- Lin, does Gene know that you did this?

- No, and he doesn't need to.

You should've seen his face after the audition, Bob.

The only time I've seen him that sad is when Louise told him the California Raisins died in a plane crash.

- Mm.

- I had to do something.

Now he thinks the director loved him, and he feels better.

That's a lot of tickets, Lin.

How are you gonna sell them all?

How are we gonna sell them all?

But mostly you, because I'm gonna be very busy with rehearsals.

-No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no -Just take 'em.

Please?

Please?

- Aw, fine.

- Oh, thank you, Bobby.

(kiss)

Listen, we got to go to the theater.

I'll see you tonight.

Gene, let's go!

We're late for rehearsal!

I always wanted to say that.

Oh, my God.

(high-pitched)

Aah!

Guys, you realize I'm cooking with fire, right?

They're love handles, Dad.

We're just giving them love.

Sorry if you can't handle it.

Well, you're not allowed to poke 'em anymore.

Are you sure you're not just crabby because Mom tricked you into selling a million tickets to Gene's play?

- Mm, maybe.

- Maybe we can help.

-Really?

-Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

What's in it for us?

Uh, how about two days off from the restaurant?

That's a start.

But come on, you know what we want.

(groans)

Fine.

I'll-I'll let you poke me in the love handles as much as you want for a month.

- Holy crap.

I'm in.

- Me, too.

But we're gonna need one quick poke in advance.

No, no, no, you're not getting any of these bad boys until you sell the tickets.

Firm but fair Unlike your body.

Kathleen, look!

I'm on the phone!

Ha!

I'm just kidding.

It's a prop.

Oh, you're on the phone.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's just Teddy.

He's calling from I guess right behind you.

- Yeah, there he is.

- Hi.

Uh, just checking to see if you need anything.

I'm going home to poop.

I mean, I'm going home to get a coffee.

Wanted to see if you Damn it!

Aah!

Stupid!

Mr. Ambrose?

You're in this play?

No.

I was actually looking for the school library, but I got lost and wandered into this building.

Where am I?

Yes, I'm in this play!

I think I followed that.

So you're replacing "The Hair"?

That's what we called the boy who had your role.

Yeah.

I'm the new kid.

Everybody calls me "The Face.

" - Because I have a face.

- Well, let me tell you everything you need to know.

That's Jules.

She's a yoga instructor and a downward-facing drag.

She's semi-hooking up with Eric, who's not not straight.

And that's Jeremy, who's not not not messing around with Eric.

And that's Janice.

She's Mormon.

And believe me, they're all trying to get - some of this.

- Okay, cast, big day.

Last dress rehearsal before opening night.

- (Linda clears throat loudly)

- Oh, that's right.

As many of you know, one of our actors recently left, so now we have a new Quiet Eli Gene Belcher.

Yay.

Yay!

Also hi.

I'm Linda, the new stagehand.

So let me know if you guys need a hand with anything.

- I got two.

(chuckles)

- DONOVAN: Okay, let's run the show from the top, shall we?

(Southern accent): Summertime, and all my food is spoiled rotten to the core.

Much like this Charmin' Southern town, it seems fine, but under the surface somethin' doesn't smell right.

We've been invited to a potluck at the Pomeroys'.

Too bad there's nothing lucky about this pot.

Oh, I sure do love you, Edwin Abernathy.

I wonder if Cameron Calhoun is gonna bring his beans Who's that there?

Come here, child.

Gene, that's your cue.

Oh, okay!

Give me those beans, you son of a bitch!

- (mimics electric guitar)

- Ha!

Stop, stop, stop.

Gene, that's not your line.

And, also, nowhere does it say the character is topless.

Mm, I thought it was implied.

Well, it's not.

- Just say the line, as written.

- Got it.

Eric, give him the cue again.

Come here, child!

Gosh, mister, those beans smell delicious.

- Thank you.

- Now let's potluck!

I'm Quiet Eli, baby!

(stifled chuckling): Oh, God.

Let's take a break.

I need to speak with my stagehand.

Linda!

So, that'll be one burger of the day?

Tina, aren't you gonna offer this nice man a Thespian Combo?

- Oh, right.

- What's the Thespian Combo?

It's a great value, actually.

It comes with fries, a soda and three tickets to an amazing play tomorrow night.

How much is it?

Hmm.

Let me see here.

Three plus two - $40.

- Mm, no.

- Get out.

- What?

Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean that.

Ugh.

Tina, get this man his burger.

On it.

One burger of the day coming right up for the guy who hates art and everything beautiful.

Tina, Louise, can I talk to you for a sec?

Please stop harassing the customers.

That's how it works, Dad.

No one willingly buys theater tickets.

Well, you're gonna have to find a different approach.

This one's not working.

Okay.

(sighs)

Maybe a poke to help us think?

No.

No ticket stubs, no sticking chubs.

Ugh!

Temptress!

Okay, you know what, I think we're gonna have to sell these tickets the old-fashioned way.

- On a horse?

- No, not on a horse.

We go out and pound the pavement and find some suckers.

I mean, theater lovers.

And by theater lovers, I mean suckers.

Okay, let's roll, T.

Come on.

- Poke ya later.

- Oh, my God.

DONOVAN: I don't know if you've noticed, Linda, but your son is chewing up the scenery out there.

Literally chewing.

Plus, he also ate a bunch of makeup.

Oh, he's just excited.

He'll get it.

I promise.

Just give him a chance.

I'm trying, but I don't think this is working.

What?

No.

We had a deal.

You let my son shine and I fill your theater with behinds.

Gene just had to get the sillies out.

That's all.

And they're pretty much mostly out now.

Mostly.

I promise.

Kinda.

Okay, remember, call time tomorrow is 6:30.

So get some rest.

Or do what I do: lie awake and listen to your roommate do stuff with your other roommate on the other side of the wall.

Hopefully, we'll have a full house for opening night.

I'm just lookin' over at you for no reason, Linda.

So, you feel ready for tomorrow?

Do you know both your lines?

I think so.

Is it weird that Donovan yells at me every time I talk?

Or is he just being hard on me 'cause he believes in me?

He believes you're gonna pack the house, that's for sure.

Because of the way I shimmy, shammy and shine?

No, because your mother promised to sell all the tickets for opening night so you'd get the part, right?

- What?

- Oh, I can see by your face you didn't know that.

I feel like I shouldn't have said anything.

Oh, look, someone's calling me.

I'm walking away.

Oh, no !

Great job, my little Broadway Genie Weenie.

You ready to go home?

- How dare you?

- Wha ?


What-what are you talking about?

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

You promised to sell tickets to get me this part?!

Wh-What tickets?

What-what part?

Stop acting.

This is no place for acting!

Fine.

I did it, Gene.

But-but it was just 'cause I wanted everyone to see The Gene Show.

Take me home.

I'm going to my room and I'm not coming out for dinner because I'm mad but also because I already have a bunch of food in there that I've been saving over the course of the last year!

LINDA: He hasn't come out of his room all morning.

I can't believe he's still so upset at me.

I can kind of believe it.

Oh, because Mom lied to him?

And he feels like a fraud?

- Yeah.

- (sighs)

I'm gonna go try and talk to him again.

Well, I guess we don't have to sell tickets anymore.

No, no, no.

A deal's a deal, Dad.

We're selling those tickets.

Your love handles are still in play.

All we have to do is find people who have disposable cash, a bunch of free time and nothing to live for.

Like Grandma and Grandpa?

But they're in Florida.

Oh, Tina.

You beautiful, brilliant idiot.

Thank you?

I know where we can sell these tickets.

Come with me.

Gene, let me in.

Go away!

Or, better yet, go read the Holy Bribe-Le!

Listen, I only made that deal with Donovan because you just seemed so down after the audition.

I was down.

Donovan didn't seem to be into my whole deal, but then you said he actually loved my whole deal.

I mean, he didn't say that he loved you, exactly.

He said you were a bit much.

But-but what does that even mean?

I think you're perfect.

Am I, Mom?

If you lied to me about the play, how can I trust you about anything?!

I'm starting to think I might not be a better singer than Adele!

No, you are!

You are!

Listen, I'm gonna go make you something sweet, okay?

And then I'm gonna put something sweet on top of it and then add sugar to it and then kiss it.

I love you!

I hate you!

I love you!

But go away!

But do that!

Bob, am I doing this wrong?

That's so much sugar.

So, yes.

No, I'm talking about the parenting stuff.

I feel like I'm screwing it up.

I mean, yeah.

- Bob!

- No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, we both screw up.

All the time.

Sometimes we're okay, I think.

But a lot of times, we screw up.

Well, this week, I screwed up.

- That's for sure.

- Don't be so hard on yourself.

Remember when I drove for 20 minutes with Tina's hair caught in the car door because I was listening to that audiobook by the Rock?

- Yeah.

That was bad.

- I just think, as long as we're trying our best, that's as good as we can do.

At least, that's what the Rock said.

- He's so handsome.

- Great body.

I-I just think Gene is Gene.

For a million different reasons.

And-and that's great.

You wanted to find a place for him to do his thing, which is sweet, but maybe it just wasn't the right place.

- Yeah.

- Which is totally fine.

(sighs)

You're right.

And you know what?

I'm gonna call Donovan and tell him Gene doesn't want to be in his dumb play.

Hi, Donovan.

It's Linda.

Linda, I don't have time to talk.

I'm dealing with an emergency.

All of my actors are sick with the flu.

What?

How'd that happen?

Well, let's just say it's a very close cast.

Oh, well.

Guess it's good we didn't sell any of your tickets then, huh?

I guess it kind of worked out.

The show's sold out, Linda.

What?

It is?

Who sold all the tickets?

Guess what.

We sold all the tickets.

Oh, boy.

A deal's a deal, Dad.

Now get ready to squeal.

How'd you guys do it?

Old folks' home.

They're gonna bus 'em in.

That theater's gonna smell like menthol rub and soup.

I am freaking out.

I'm gonna have a packed house and I've got no actors!

Okay, okay.

Calm down, Donovan.

Breathe.

(deep, growling breaths)

Okay, maybe don't breathe.

That sounds bad.

I'm sorry all your actors gave each other the flu or the horny flu or whatever they call it.

But I don't think Gene is gonna be part of your play either.

I'm worried if he stays in it, it'll crush his little spirit.

Donovan?

Hello?

Oh, he hung up.

Hello, Mother.

You look just as I remember you.

Hi, Gene.

I thought about what Donovan said, and I realize now that I am a bit much.

And I'm ready to rein it all in, much like Jim Carrey in his acclaimed dramatic roles.

No, Gene, no.

- (gasps, squeals)

- Boom goes the dynamite.

This better not be one of those plays where they come up to you in the aisle and meow at you.

GENE: So, wait, everyone got the flu?

- How'd that happen?

- They all gave it to each other by, um, uh, being friendly.

Theater, huh?

Sounds kind of interesting.

Tina.

Anyways, I just want to say it again, Gene.

You don't have to do this play if you don't want to.

No, Mother.

I've made up my mind.

I want to play Quiet Eli.

Quietly.

- As written.

- Oh, boy.

Well, this Gene's fun.

All right.

Good luck in there, Lin.

Tina, Louise, let's go find a place to stand in the back, with my love handles tucked in my pants and pressed against the wall.

Is that Donovan under the cushions?

(muffled): Yes.

No.

I'm not here.

I'm dead.

I finally have a sold-out show but no show.

(clears throat)

Hello, Donovan.

Pleasure to see you today.

Okay.

Now he's freaking me out.

He's fine.

Look, Donovan, we don't have much time.

And Gene says he wants to be in the play now.

So how are we gonna do this?

Well, I did have one idea.

Really?

What is it?

What if I just went out there and played all the parts?

Okay.

Uh, how would that work?

I mean, the people in the audience don't know the play.

They barely know they're at a play.

All they know is there's a potluck 'cause it's in the title.

That's all I know, and I'm the stagehand.

Exactly.

What if I just go out onstage and try to tell the story by myself?

With Quiet Eli.

Uh, sure.

Look, it might work.

It might not.

But I don't have any other choice.

So I'm gonna try it.

Crowd's getting restless out there.

I mean, not restless.

But there's a lot of candy wrapper sounds.

All right.

Well, I guess it's showtime, everyone.

And just remember, you can't sit on any of the furniture.

Or lean on it.

I was not told that it had to be structurally sound.

It's pretty dangerous.

Anyway, have fun out there.

Gene, baby, come here.

I want to say something.

I know I really messed up by not being honest with you.

But I just want you to know that even if I wasn't your mom, even if I was just some lady who smelled like meat and was a great dancer, I would still be a fan of The Gene Show.

- Really?

- Definitely.

I'd be your number one fan.

Are you a bit much?

Of course you are, and that's great.

And sometimes people can handle it, and sometimes they can't.

But sometimes it's perfect.

And, I mean, hey, you got good timing.

You got it from me.

That and my full bottom.

Ha!

See?

Timing.

(man coughs)

(Southern accent): Summertime.

And all my food is spoiled (British): rotten.

(Southern): It's kind of like this charming Southern town.

(regular voice): Meanwhile, over here (high-pitched): I sure do love you, Edwin Abernathy.

I'm so glad we're married.

(regular voice): Eh Oh, i-is, um, what my wife said.

To me.

- I don't like this.

- (coughing)

What's happening?

Did the play start?

Oh, no.

Maybe this was not the best idea.

The poor guy's dying out there.

(deep voice): Too bad there's nothing lucky about this pot.

(quietly): And then I go over here and, um, I I wonder if Cameron Calhoun's gonna bring his beans!

And this would be a Okay, this would be a scene change.

- What is this?

- This is terrible.

- I'll just go over yonder, -uh, here -Gene, he's dying.

Get out there.

And get some bean sauce!

- I'm Quiet Eli, baby!

- (gasping)

(mimics electric guitar)

Oh.

Uh, uh, Quiet Eli.

Are you, uh, um, here for the potluck?

Does this answer your question?

- A-jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, - (laughter)

- jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly.

- Oh, uh, uh, right.

Yes, that does answer my question.

(whispers): This is working.

Keep going.

(quietly): More?

Oh, I can do more.

- Now let's potluck, baby!

- (laughter)

Do it, Gene!

Do it, baby!

(grunts, shouts)

Jiggle, jiggle A-jiggle, a-jiggle Jiggle, jiggle A-jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle Jiggle, jiggle A-jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle Jiggle, jiggle A-jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly!

- The Gene Show, Gene - (mimics electric guitar)

The Gene Show is everybody's favorite show about Gene Scrambly, scrambly, scrambly, scrambly, scrambly!

The Gene Show is everybody's favorite show about Gene GENE: I'm Quiet Eli, baby!

The Gene Show is every