10x22 - Prank You for Being a Friend

FROND: This isn't good, Louise.

I know. Are the eyes supposed to be that creepy?

What? No. Self-Care Claire has kind eyes. What I'm talking about is you getting detention four days in a row.

It's a new record. And not one to be proud of.

I also held the old record, so I have mixed emotions.

I am serious.

You and your rubber cockroaches have become a big problem.

I don't even know how you got your hands on so many of them in the first place.

Goodbye, little prizes that nobody wants anymore.

I guess the rubber cockroach trend is finally over.

Oh, my go...

(cackling)

Those fake bugs are taking your attention away

- from learning.
- I know, and it kills me.

Louise, this is serious.

I need you to listen to me.

First, it's bugs, then it's drugs.

There's a reason those two rhyme.

- Huh?
- Are you hearing what I'm saying?

Um... I am smelling what you're saying. Even from here.

Okay. That's it.

You're on probation.

One more rubber cockroach and you'll be forced to join the Thinkgineers.

What?! You mean the kids who stay after school to do brain games with pipe cleaners and popsicle sticks?

No. Please, I just...

No! Just not the Thinkgineers.

Yes. The Thinkgineers.

- No!
- You've caused enough problems.

Let's see how you do solving problems, by doing extracurricular cognitive calisthenics.

- Please, no!
- Ooh, yes.

Okay, okay, let's just calm down for a second.

Look, I am done with the cockroaches, all right?

You really got through to me.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Until then, you're on probation.

But, first, can you tell that Self-Care

Claire just had a lot of work done?

Uh, nope.

- Looks totally natural.
- Good.

(school bell rings)

(quietly): Gonna have to keep a low profile till the heat's off, fellas.

Huh?

(grunts)

Serves her right for reading.

(chuckles): Yeah, right?

LOUISE: Hey. You miss me?

We've saved you the menus with the most interesting stains.

We're not happy about all these detentions, Louise.

I thought you got those rubber cockroaches out of your system the last...
Many times you got in trouble.

I mean, I had a lot of fun screaming at that one you put in my textbook. So good.

But maybe, yeah, take a break?

Give those guys a little rest?

Even though I think they're hilarious.
(chuckles nervously)

Look, you can all relax.

'Cause if it's between the bugs and having to join the Thinkgineers,

I'll go with retiring the roaches.

Whoa. Mr. Frond played the Thinkgineers card?

He's not messing around.

Yeah. Doing more school after school?

What are you, getting your master's?

Wait, so it's a punishment to do an after-school activity?

I mean, some kids join voluntarily, but, yeah, most of the kids are there because they've been sentenced to hard time.

I plan to avoid it with every bone in my tiny body.

- Even your tibia?
- Yeah.

- (phone rings)
- Bob's Burgers.

Bob? It's Trev, from Jimmy Pesto's, the restaurant that's across the street?

Yep. Hi, Trev.

Um, wh-why are you calling me?

Actually, I'm calling about Jimmy.

He doesn't know that I'm calling you.

He got hernia surgery, and he needs me to take him his meds tomorrow.

But I can't, 'cause I got to pick up my uncle's stamp collection.

He doesn't want to mail it, which is like...

(chuckles) what?

Uh, uh, that's great.

- Yeah, so, could you?
- Could I what?

Take Jimmy's meds to him.

No. I mean, no?

I-I'm sorry, Trev, but it's just...

Jimmy's got to have, uh, other friends, right?

Well, yeah, I mean, not that I've met. Or heard of.

Well, still no.

Come on. Please? He might die.

I-I don't think you can die from a hernia.

- This is on you, Bob.
- This is not on me.

- I'm hanging up.
- Okay.

I didn't hang up. Please, Bob, I'm desperate.

Also, this phone is weird, and I don't know how to hang it up.

(sighs) Fine. What-What's his address?

Thanks, Bob. Uh, I don't know if there's gonna be some sort of cream that you might have to rub in or if you have to hide a pill in his food, but just do it with love.

(sighs) No.

Hey, what do you guys think about Kaylee Morganstern?

Oh, the fourth-grader who wanted anyone but me to be their mentor and broke my heart into a thousand pieces?

I'm over it. Why?

I think she's been spying on me.

What? Just because she's been staring at you from behind that tree since we got here?

LOUISE: Uh, yeah, for example.

TINA: Maybe she's seeing if that tree's ticklish?

I've heard some of them are.

Okay, I'm just gonna ask her what her deal is.

- Hey, Kaylee!
- Oh! Hi, Louise.

Sorry, I was just looking at, um, at this tree part, here.

- The trunk?
- Uh, yep. Some call it that.

You want to tell me why you've been stalking me?

By the way, you're kind of not really very good at it.

- (chuckling): What? I-I haven't been...
- Kaylee...

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Kaylee.

- I'm not!
- Kaylee.

(sighs) Fine. I-I need your your help.

- Me? Why?
- I need you to teach me how to...

- get in trouble.
- Ha. What?

- I-I've been watching you.
- Yeah, I got that.

And you're the best at getting in trouble.

I mean, thank you?

And if I can get into enough trouble, my parents will pull me out of here,

- and I can be home-schooled.
- You want to be home-schooled?

Wagstaff's just not a good fit for me.

You know, I've weighed my options and home-school wins.

I mean, you can't beat the commute.

- Fair enough.
- So, I have to convince my parents that this place has turned me "bad."

But I'm bad at being bad.

That's why I need help from a pro. Like you.

I don't know, Kaylee.
I mean, I'm flattered.

But I'm this close to being forced to join the Thinkgineers.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

But you won't get in trouble, just I would.

You-you know, you're only training me.

- Training you?
- Yeah.

- So wait. You'd do whatever I tell you?
- Yeah.

Like, if I tell you to, let's say, do a prank.

Any kind of super hilarious prank, you'd do it?

I mean, yeah, I-I guess so.

Hm. Looks like the cockroaches just came out of retirement.

- I-I, I don't, I don't get it.
- Oh, you will.

TINA: So, Kaylee wants to get in trouble

- so her parents will home school her?
- Yep.

And you're gonna teach Kaylee how to be bad by painting a baby carrot white?

- Yes.
- That's a great prank on the carrot.

Oh. Got to go. Kaylee!

Should we try to get home-schooled?

Me and Mom could start a basketball team.

I'll go to your games.

Okay, we'll start with a super simple prank

- and work our way up.
- Well, what do I have to do?

Okay. You're gonna take this baby carrot and switch it with Ms. Labonz's chalk.

W-What if Ms. Labonz catches me?

If she does, you'll get in trouble, which is what you wanted, so let's do this.

Okay. Here I go.

Guh, I can't do it,

I can't... can't do it. Uh, pass? What else?

Uh, next thing. This is going good, right?

Are you kidding? This is just the warm-up prank.

I'm sorry, I just...

I don't like it when teachers are mad at me.

That's literally what getting in trouble is.

That thing you wanted me to teach you how to do?

I know, I know.

Louise, Kaylee, will you be joining us?

Learning's about to begin.

No. I mean, yep. Thank you for teaching us.

- I love you.
- Oh, brother.

(intercom beeps, line connects)

-JIMMY: What?
-BOB: Hey, Jimmy? It's, it's Bob.

- Who?
- Bob. Bob... Bob Belcher?

I have your stuff from the pharmacy.

Trev told me to bring it to you?

What? He asked you? Why?

I guess because you don't have anyone else who would do this for you?

C-Can, can you just let me up now, Jimmy?

- Ugh, fine. Apartment .
- (door buzzes)

(sighs) Uh, Jimmy.
Can you buzz it again?

- That was too short.
- Ah. Okay. Buzz.

That was... Can you actually press it instead of just saying "buzz"?

- Okay. (door buzzes)
- Oh, my God.

Jimmy, that was too fast.

- Try it again.
- (buzzes)

I get what you're doing, okay?

Forget it. Goodbye, I'm leaving.

- Fine. Come in.
- (buzzing)

Oh, I hate him.

I'd tell you to sit down, but none of these chairs would fit your fat butt.

Ha... zoo... ow! Ugh, dammit.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Just can't, uh, zoom as hard with these dumb stitches. Whatever.

The pharmacist said the medication can make you drowsy.

I-I don't know, I-I didn't really pay attention.

What is that?

JIMMY: That's an inversion table, Bob.

It's for my back.
Sometimes I iron on it.

Stop looking at it. I don't want your eye grease getting all over it. (chuckles, moans)

How's your pain that I'm glad you're feeling?

(blabbers) That's you, Bob.

BOB: Those are slot cars, right?

Hey, what'd I say? Stop looking at everything.

I had slot cars when I was a kid.

Wait a minute. The kid next door to me had slot cars, and I really wanted to try them, but he was a jerk, like you.

Why are you still here? Leave already!

I want to sleep, not listen to your dumb voice.

Yep. Bye.

Hmm.

Okay, we got to nip your fear of authority in the bud before we go any further.

Thank you, Gene and Tina, for being our practice adults.

- I'm !
- Yeah, you are.

Kaylee, nice to see you again.

Tina, by the way, u-under here.

- I know.
- The one that you didn't...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
- Tina, please.

Okay, fine. But as the person closest to adulthood here,

I will say I'm opposed to this whole pranking thing.

But Mom's pantyhose were really hard to get on, so I'll stay.

And I'm enjoying wearing two of Mom's bras.

One for the top, one for the bottom.

Okay. Kaylee, your challenge is to knock this cup of water onto the floor, while two full-grown, scary adults look at you.

And they're gonna be very disappointed.

But it'll get all over the floor.

- Yep.
- Can I have a towel ready?

- Nope.
- Can I apologize while I'm doing it?

- Absolutely not. Do it.
- Oh, God.

- Don't you do it, young lady.
- That's our good water.

I can't do this, I can't do this.

Yes, you can. Get some of that sweet, sweet home-school.

- Here, let me help you...
- No, no, no...

- Oh, oh, do it.
- No! G...

So how's your husband? Mine's crazy.

Um, he's good, and, uh, buff, for-for a poet.

Ugh. This is worse than I thought.

- (grunts)
- (shouts)

- ♪ Put a sign up on the door ♪
- _

♪ That says "poop on the floor" ♪

♪ Learning how to prank ♪

♪ Learning how to prank ♪

♪ Put a hot dog where it doesn't belong ♪

♪ Learning how to prank ♪

♪ Learning how to prank ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Write the word "fart" in the chalk dust, yeah! ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Learning how to prank. ♪

Oh, my God, that was so exhilarating.

I put that sign up. I did that.

You don't think anyone's really gonna poop on the floor, do you?

I mean, we can dream. But that was small potatoes.

We're gonna have to go bigger potatoes if you want to be yanked out of here.

- A lot bigger.
- Right. So, what do you got?

Still working on it.

Or maybe don't prank and just be good?

That's also an idea.

I don't know, just tossing it out there.

Great beans today, by the way. Mmm.

- Those are peas.
- Thanks for the input, T, but I think we're good.

We've got the amazing ammunition, we just need to think of some sort of delivery system.

But what?

Three, two, one, catapult!

Yeah! Oh, man, tell me you got that.

Wait, oh... none of us have phones.

(gasps) The Thinkgineers. Kaylee, come with me.

Hey, geniuses, what's going on? I'm not being sarcastic.

Oh, I didn't think you were until you said that.

I don't know, maybe I was.

- Zeke, you got Thinkgineered?
- Yeah.

For two lunch periods a week and several days after school.

I think of it as my funishment. Ho, boy.

- Hi, Zeke.
- Sup, Kaylee?

Anyway, let's talk about this cool catapult here.

All day, buddy.

Question... can you build one that's, say, ten times the size of this one?

It's like we say, if you can think it, we can 'gineer it.

Oh, that's so beautiful. Okay...

But-but w... Lou-Louise?

Whatever you're planning, you should know that the Thinkgineers are a peaceful people.

We don't use our powers for pranking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Rudy, this is for a good cause.

You won't get in trouble. Just I will.

Hmm, positive pranking? I guess that might be okay.

Oh, man, the Thinkgineers just got edgy as heck. Come on!

TEDDY: So let me get this straight.

You've been helping out Jimmy Pesto with his wiener problems?

It's not wiener problems, it's a hernia.

- Oh. But you guys hate each other.
- Yep.

You've been over there, like, what, two or three times?

Uh, four, actually.

And I'm gonna, I'm gonna go back tomorrow.

What for?

Um, well, h-he needs his, uh, rug moved.

His rug? What are you talking, "his rug"?

Okay, I have to admit something.

He falls asleep, and I play with his stuff.

What do you mean, his stuff? His hernia?

No, he has some great stuff.

- ♪

- (making race car sounds)

(grunts)

Ha, ha, hyah!

(humming)

Hyah! Ha! Ha!

Bob, you're waiting for a grown man to fall asleep so you can play with his not-so-grown-man toys?

Um, that's not how I'd say it.

Well, how would you say it?

Yeah, how would you say it, Bob?

I'd say I'm like a private nurse, and my payment is that I get to play with his nunchucks.

- Eh, so wait, a hernia is on your butt?
- No, Teddy.

It's kind of between your butt and your front stuff.

Say no more. Yep, I have one.

- (laughs)
- What are you laughing about?

Water farts? Funny and beautiful.

Oh, just thinking about how I'm gonna make it rain cockroaches without any consequences.

Louise Belcher, can I see you in my office?

Oh, crap.

Look, I don't know what you've heard, but you can't make me join the Thinkgineers.

- I'm clean now.
- O-Okay, relax, Louise.

- This isn't about you, it's about Kaylee.
- Kaylee?

Yes. A few teachers have noticed she's been acting out, sort of, which isn't like her.

And apparently, she's been spending time with you lately.

So? Is it a crime to want to hang out with me?

- I'm a delight.
- No, no, no, no.

I'm saying it could be that she looks up to you

- for some reason.
- Oh.

So, I have a proposal.

I need you to help me help Kaylee.

- What do you mean?
- I want you to keep an eye on her and kind of report back to me if she's, you know, about to fly off the handle.

- So snitch?
- Yes, snitch.

And in return, I'll take you off of probation.

You'll never have to join the Thinkgineers.

Wait, never?

If you can keep Kaylee from going bad.

- I want it in writing.
- Uh, okay.

I don't have anything to write on, oddly.

That-That's so weird.

Okay, okay here's a receipt for Dr. Tootsie's

Sensitive Feet Callus Cream.

It works, by the way.

(mutters): Uh, sign right there. There. There you go.

All right, I'm in.

Oh, there's paper right here. (laughs)

Someone needs their coffee. Anyway, go snitch.

Well, I guess that's that, huh, Louise?

No more helping Kaylee become a prankster.

Time to just kick back and have fun following the rules.

What's it feel like working for Frond?

Is it like Matt Damon in The Departed?

(Boston accent): "I'm a bad guy from Boston!"

I mean, sure, I sort of agreed to help Frond, but also, it's not my fault if, let's say,

Kaylee goes behind my back, steals my cockroaches and does an amazing prank anyway, right?

I'll just tell Mr. Frond that she got away from me.

She's a criminal mastermind.

Wait, what? You're still gonna do it?

What is frickin' wrong with you?

Guys, you don't get opportunities like this every day.

(regular accent): I understand.
I still have Mom's bras on.

You, again?

Yeah. I brought you a burger.

From your place? What, are you trying to kill me?

Zoo... oh, ow. Damn it.

Here, just put-put it on, uh, this thing here.

I got to lie down. (groaning)

Yeah, you should get some rest.

I'm gonna close my eyes so I don't have to look at you.

- So, goodbye.
- Yep, totally leaving.


(humming "Lullaby & Good Night")

- (shushes) No humming.
- (whispers): Sorry.

(continues humming quietly)

(snoring)

Okay, this is how I see it playing out.

We place the catapult in this corner of the cafeteria.

We can hide the whole thing behind the garbage cans.

When are we gonna launch the roaches?

You'll be doing the honors when the clock hits : .

Well, why : ?

- 'Cause it sounds cool.
- Oh.

And where will I be, you ask?

I'll be on the other side of the cafeteria, along with the Thinkgineers.

And we'll all look like this: "Oh."

Because we never expected you, Kaylee, to steal my cockroaches and their catapult to pull off such an incredible prank.

Okay, let's sneak in and set up before lunch starts.

Wait, the lunch ladies.
What if they get mad at us?

That's where Zeke comes in.

Yep, I'll go in the kitchen and I'll say, "What do you put in that cream corn to make it so damn corny?"

- Beautiful.
- God, we're good.

Let's roll out.

(Bob grunting)

(moans) Oh, my God, that feels great.

- Bob!
- Uh, yeah?

Wh... You're still here?

- Um, yeah.
- What the hell are you doing?

- Um, nothing. I was just...
- You're gonna break it.

It's made for regular people, not whatever you are.

Okay, but I can't get off.

I-I think it's jammed. I'm stuck.

You're stuck? That's hilarious.

(laughs) Ow! Stop making me laugh.

- (groaning)
- Jimmy, just tell me how to get down, or come over and help me.

Uh, hello? I just had hernia surgery.

- I can't...
- No heavy lifting.

- Jimmy. Jimmy.
- (laughs) Ow!

Oh, God, I can't laugh at you. It hurts too much.

(laughs) Ow!

All the blood is rushing to my head.

- This is torture.
- Oh, God.

- (groans) Ow.
- Jimmy, help!

- (laughing) I can't...
- Help!

- (cackling)
- Help!

BOB: It's not funny!

Excuse me, I got a cream corn question for you.

A cream corn query.

I'm not risking any of those bugs getting into my peach cobbler, no matter how stale it is.

Uh, shouldn't we try and stop this?

Nah, I've already put my tray like this.

Okay, we're minutes away.

You pumped? Feeling that prank energy?

Yeah. And then I'll finally get out of here and be home-schooled safe and sound, wearing my wizard cape.

And I'll never have to be around people ever again.

I mean, you'll still have to be around people at some point, right?

Nope, never.

I'm just gonna hide in my home and never leave.

That sounds... good to do.

I mean, I don't fit in here, you know?

Or anywhere, probably, so... this-this just makes the most sense.

Who needs friends? Not me.

- Uh...
- Okay, prank time.

Wait, Kaylee, that's why you want to leave school?

Ugh, we can't do this.

What? Why? Did you not pee beforehand?

No, of course I peed beforehand.
You pee before you prank.

I just... uh, I...

I don't think you, maybe, have the right reasons for wanting to leave Wagstaff.

What? Well, I don't need you to help me, okay?

- This is my prank. I'm doing it.
- Okay,

I can't help but feel a little proud of how intense you're being right now,

- but we're not doing this.
- Yes, we...

- Come on. No. No, we're not.
- No. Stop. Stop it.

-I'm canceling it. It's canceled.
-No, we're not. No...

Hold up, hold up, hold up. There's a holdup.

This wasn't part of the plan. Or was it?

Did I miss a meeting?

(both shout)

(all gasp)

Louise Belcher. And Kaylee?

What the... What is this, a catapult?

Loaded up with your... (gasps)

- cockroaches. Dear God.
- Son of a...

Oh, no, what have we done?

I need this inhaler puff, but I don't deserve it.

We didn't do anything wrong.

Okay, yes, we had a great prank set up.

And, oh, my God, it would have been amazing, but...

I told you to watch out for Kaylee, not to help her be a Bad Choice Charlie.

Let's just get this over with.

Call my parents, I'm in trouble and that's fine.

I'm not scared of you, that much.

- What are you talking about?
- Look, Mr. Frond,

I wanted Kaylee to do the prank.

Kaylee wanted to get kicked out. It seemed like a win-win.

But then I found out the real reason she wanted to get home-schooled was so she'd never have to be around people, so I stopped her from doing the most amazing prank the world will never see.

- You stopped her?
- Look, Kaylee, I get it.

It's not always easy being around people.

Well, some people.

- I mean, elephant in the room.
- Wait, what?

And I guess you're having a tough time here or something, but locking yourself up forever isn't the answer.

You're not gonna find your people if you're not around people.

Wow, Louise, I am really impressed.

- You are?
- Yes. With myself.

- I got through to you.
- You got through to me?

You being responsible for someone else has made you responsible for yourself.

You're trading in pranks for pleases and thanks.

- You know what this is?
- The sound of me leaving?

- A breakthrough.
- Nope.

Wait, you were working for Frond?

Kind of, sort of? I don't know anymore.

So am I in trouble or not?

- You're not in trouble.
- Oh, man.

- Am I in trouble?
- I mean, not right now.

And I don't have to join the Thinkgineers?

You know, the Thinkgineers don't seem so bad.

- Are you kidding?
- Oh, God.

I did it. I built it.

I'm the brains behind the whole scheme.

And the Thinkgineers, they tried to stop me.

They were heroes today... (sobbing)

Rudy, Rudy, we're good. Stop.

Oh, okay. Um, never mind, then.

- Bye. Bye.
- Thank you for your time. Bye.

Okay, where is he?

Bob, your wife's here to see how stupid you look

- and probably divorce you.
- BOB (groans): Hey, Linda.

Oh, Bobby, what'd you do to yourself?

You look like a tomato with a mustache.

Uh, I just wanted to try it.

(straining)

- Oh... Okay.
- JIMMY: Watch the table.

That'll teach you to play with someone else's toys while they're passed out on drugs.

Oh, so, so woozy.

All right, Jimmy, we're gonna get out of your hair.

- And we're sorry about this.
- Aw, hey, hey.

You guys, y-you don't have to leave right away.

Ah, no, we got to get back to the restaurant.

Why, you got to rush back to your lonely, dumb lives?

Wait, why are we lonely?

'Cause you're dumb. Ha! (groans)

Good one, Jimmy.

Well, if we stay, what would we do?

♪ ♪

- Go! Go!
- (shouting indistinctly)

Go, baby, go!

Okay, so the challenge is, fold the newspaper just right so it can hold a whole stack of books.

Here's the headline: "I love it."

(laughter)

Hey, Mr. Frond, I think I served my time, right?

Nope? Okay, just checking.

I cannot understand why Kaylee wanted to join this club.

I know, but at least we got her to stay at Wagstaff.

We make a pretty great team.

- High five?
- Oh.

I'll have a high five with you.

(screams) Oh, seriously?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Last one, last one.

♪ Oh, Thinkgineers ♪

♪ Mind teasers, brain squeezers ♪

♪ Thought ticklers, during recess ♪

♪ After school, even better ♪

♪ Mind teasers, brain squeezers ♪

♪ Thinkgineers ♪

♪ Logic pioneers, working with our peers ♪

♪ Thinkgineers ♪

♪ Logic pioneers ♪

♪ Working with our peers, all right... ♪