12x01 - Manic Pixie Crap Show

[bunniefuu]

Well, everybody take
a good look at Louise.

'Cause it's probably
the last time

you're ever gonna see her.

Is it because you're
turning invisible?

It's ethically fraught.
I don't recommend it.

No, today's the day I have to
meet Millie at the park,

in the woods,
for the "super-secret surprise."

Oh, yeah. Well, surprises
can be fun. Right?

Uh-huh. When I tried
to ask Millie about it,

she put her finger on my lips
and said, "Soon, my sweet."

And then she stroked my face

- while humming a lullaby.
- Oh, God.

Yep, so it's been
nice knowing everyone.

I mean, pretty nice.

Louise, couldn't you just
not go?

I got to go, Dad.
I owe Millie big.

She gave me this super-rare
Burobu card, The Slug-gitive.

His back-story is he was framed
for his wife's m*rder.

They stopped printing 'em
'cause they realized

most kids haven't seen
The Fugitive.

That card's the most important
thing in my life now.

Good for you. Tina, breakfast!

Here I am. Sorry.
I've just been staring at myself

in the bathroom
for the past hour.

Were you pumping yourself up
to do toilet stuff?

No. Yes. But also, um,

do you guys think I'm pretty?

- What?!
- What? Of-of course we do.

You're the most beautiful
person or thing that's ever

been born in the entire world.

Same with Gene and Louise.

(smooches)
Love ya, babe.

It's just,
the other day at school,

Tammy and Jocelyn
were talking about

this online tutorial
they watched where a girl

shows you how to do your makeup
like a supermodel.

I asked them to send me
the link, and they said

that I wasn't really
supermodel material.

And that I was more like
the person who brings

the supermodels coffee
but gets the order wrong,

but the supermodels
are really nice about it

'cause they're pretty
inside and out.

Those punks!
You want me to drive by 'em

and smack 'em with my car door?

- Lin.
- What?

Ugh.
Why do you care

about girly stuff like makeup
and being pretty anyway?

I mean, faces are just
a bunch of holes in one place.

(deep voice): Oh, my face holes
are in a better spot

than your face holes.

It's when your bottom hole
is in the wrong spot.

That's when to worry.

Besides, Tina, the bigger issue

is that it's Millie Park Day.

- Oh, right.
- Yeah.

And I was kind of hoping maybe
you and Gene could come with me?

I could use some muscle.
And also Gene.

You had me at "also Gene."

I'll go, too. At least the
squirrels won't be all judgy.

That one is.
Thinks he's so great.

- With his big nuts.
- Gene.

Hi, I have a flower delivery

- for this address.
- Ooh, flowers.

Wait a minute,
are those flowers a dog?

Yes ma'am. It's a
Bow-Wow-Flower arrangement.

I love it!
Technology, huh?

Unbelievable what they can do.

- Who's it from?
- Yeah, where's the card?

That's... a fair question.

- Okay.
- That I was kind of...

hoping didn't come up, because
I think it fell off somehow.

As we say in the flower
business, sorry about that.

Aw. You know, it kind
of reminds me of this dog

that lived next door
when I was a kid.

He was a white mutt
named Bottle Cap.

They called him that
'cause he could balance

a bottle cap on his nose.

He would entertain us
neighborhood kids for hours.

Letting us put bottle caps
on his nose.

And one time,
a doll's head we found.

- That was weird. He was
- Uh-huh

cooler than any dog or person
that I ever met.

He taught us so much about life,

about balancing stuff
on our noses.

- I am who I am because of that dog.
- Wait, really?

And then he got hit by
a hot dog truck and d*ed.

- Whoa.
- Oh. Lin. I'm-I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Dog, hot dog.

It's almost funny. (laughing)

Oh, I'm laughing
'cause I'm fine.

Well, I'm gonna take off.

- Have a good one.
- Bye, flower man.

Okay, Bottle Cap Two,

let's put you on the counter.

I'll set out a little
bowl of kibble for ya.

(laughs) Just kidding,
I know you're flowers.

I know he's flowers.

I know that-that you know.

(baby talk): I know you're
flowers. I know you're flowers.

sh**t, Tina,
we should have worked

on your leg sweep.
We got to be prepared

to drop that
little maniac on her...

- Psst.
- ALL: Aah!

Millie!
There's my girl.

So, Tina and Gene
just happen to be here.

Not with me.

We're here to throw a Frisbee.

Back and forth.
To each other.

Uh, where's the Frisbee?

We're working up to it.

We're about days away.

- Yep, okay, bye.
- So what's

the cool surprise? And you're
coming at me... Oh, God!

Wait, wh-what are you doing?

There's a camera and a
microphone in the bow

that I'm attaching to your bunny ear.

In your human ear,
I'll be putting a device thingie

that allows us to communicate.

It's all connected
to my Dad's phone.

He uses all this stuff
for his mountain biking videos

even though I would call them
slight-hill biking videos.

And I have my Mom's phone,

so I'll be able to see what
you see and hear what you hear.

- Uh...
- I told them I was

upgrading their ringtone.
They were both very excited.

Millie, what is going on?

Have you heard about
the Pixie Princess Promenade?

- Oh, no.
- Where pixie princesses

take you on a magical adventure
through the park that

- changes you forever?
- No, please.

I've been on nine of them.
I may have gotten

a little intense
on the last one.

I allegedly headbutted
a gnome in the chest.

And then I was dis-invited
to pixie-ticipate.

Don't say this is where I come in.

- So this is where you come in.
- Oh, God.

I need you to do the Pixie
Princess Promenade for me.

I need some
pixie princess action.

Plus, they hand out wands
at the end.

I already have eight wands,
but I need more.

I want all the colors,
I want all the flowers.

They put different
flower stickers on the wands.

I want pink rose.
You're gonna get me pink rose.

Um... no. Definitely not, never, no.

Well, then I am forced
and legally allowed

to demand that you give
me back the Slug-gitive card.

Ugh! I knew there had to be
strings attached with that card.

Okay, so if I get you the wand,
then we're square?

Square as a bear
in a chair with no hair. (gasps)

There are the pixie princesses
and the pixie princess queen.

Oh, dear Lord.

Whoa. Is that a magical
flying sex worker convention?

- Oh, it's the Pixie Princess Promenade.
- The what?

I did it a few times
when I was younger.

It was fun. Then I moved on to horses.

And I've been chasing that H ever since.

Oh, I almost forgot.
My pixie wings.

- Ugh.
- Now you can sparkle and fly

with the pixies up high.

This is gonna be the best
three hours of your life! Aah!

- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- From enchantment?

Oh, God. So girly.

Hey. May we, uh, join you?
We're just taking a break.

Also our fake Frisbee
got stuck in a tree.

So what's, uh...
what's going on?

Louise is doing the Pixie

Princess Promenade for me
'cause I'm banned.

- Okay.
- I got a pixie haircut once.

It worked until it didn't.

LOUISE: Tina? Gene?
Is that you? I need you

to find a rock, throw it at my head,

and I'll have myself
a nice rock nap.

MILLIE: Oh, I love how excited
we both are, Louise.

Why, hello. I'm Pixie

- Princess Patricia.
- (loud gasps)

Would you like to go
on a Pixie Princess adventure?

- ALL: Yay!
- Ugh.

Only pixies allowed,
so human parents and guardians,

we ask you to wait in what
you call "the parking lot."

- ALL: Yay!
- What a wonderful day.

I've been busy using my magic wand

to make the flowers extra pretty.

And I was just about to enjoy
a nice twirl in the sunlight.

Do you pixies know how to twirl?

- ALL: Yeah.
- Let's all twirl together.

- ALL: Yeah!
- Ugh.

MILLIE:
Louise, I need you to twirl.

- Millie, please.
- Twirl.

(Louise groans)

Yes!

Oh, wait.
My wings are tingling.

The other pixie princesses must
be trying to tell me something.

(gasps): Oh, no!

It seems someone has stolen

the Pixie Princess Queen's
sparkle sprinkles.

That's what gives our magic
wands their magic power.

Is sparkle sprinkles dr*gs?

I don't remember. I don't think so?

We've got to find the Princess
Queen's sparkle sprinkles.

But first, let's twirl again
for strength. Twirl!

- ALL: Yeah!
- Ugh.

I remember when I could twirl.
Then time caught up with me.

Now I get dizzy looking
at a rotisserie chicken.

So, yeah, kablam.

And then it was hot dogs
and a dead dog. Ha!

But now I got this guy.
You know what?

I'm gonna go get
the spray bottle

and give him a little spritz.

- He's looking a little wilty.
- Okay, sounds good.

- ♪ La-la-la, la, la-la-la-la ♪
- Bob?

- ♪ Bottle cap two. ♪
- Bob? Bob?

What? Why are you whispering?

That was the saddest story
I've ever heard in my life.

I think maybe Linda never
processed Bottle Cap's death.

Yeah. It is weird
she never mentioned it.

Maybe she tried to block it out?

Or maybe you haven't been
a sensitive enough partner

for her to feel safe opening up to you?

- What?
- It's probably the first thing.

And, you know, those flowers
are gonna die in a few days.

And then what? What if she spirals?

I don't know. Uh, maybe she... won't?

Here ya go. Doesn't that feel nice?

♪ I'm gonna take care of you
so you live forever ♪

♪ I haven't looked it up ♪

♪ But I'm pretty sure
it's possible, yeah. ♪

Hrr-hrr, hrr-hrr.

♪ Rainbows and unicorns and
butterflies and buttercups ♪

- ♪ And dew drops and daffodils ♪
- Nope.

♪ And how 'bout more buttercups? ♪

- Hey.
- Hi. How ya doing?

Hmm. I'm guessing gnome guy
stole the sparkle sprinkles.

Seems like a gnome thing to do.

MILLIE: There's, uh, no way to know.

You just got to enjoy the ride.

Is that the guy you headbutted?

Uh, yeah, but the headbutting
was about something else.

- Politics.
- Huh. I bet that's where this all ends.

I bet that's where
the wands are.

Wait, what?
Where are you going?

I just have to get
the pink rose wand, right?

So I'm gonna ask that gnome
for the pink rose wand,

- and then I'm out of here.
- No. No.

- A deal's a deal, Millie.
- No!

Wait. Millie,
you headbutted the gnome?

Oh, gnome you didn't.

- Hey, there.
- Oh, uh, a pixie.

Didn't expect to see
one of you for a while.

- Let me, uh, gnome up.
- Oh, you don't have to do that.

(clears throat, high-pitched):
I'm the gnome-iest gnome.

Far and wide do I roam
with my rhyming

- and mischief and the...
- Okay, yeah.

Let me stop you right there.
Look, I know this is the end.

- D'uh... Uh...
- I mean, that sign

is kind of a tip off.

And, hey, I know
you took the sparkle sprinkles.

And I don't judge you for that,
but the wands they give out?

- I need a pink rose one.
- What?

So if you want to just
gnome it on over to me.

Look, kid, I'm not gonna
just give you a pink rose wand.

That's not how this works.

You got to earn the wand. Now scoot.

You made me break character.

I got to get back in the zone.

Off with you, leave me alone.

- There. There he is. He's back.
- Ugh.

I know, right?
Rhyming piece of...

(sing-songy): Okay, back
to the promenade.

- Gah!
- TINA: Hey, Louise, uh, if it helps,

- I think there's a tea party coming up.
- Hmm?

- And it's kind of fun.
- Hmm.

There's no real tea,
but there's a lot of party.

GENE: Ooh, sounds decadent.

LOUISE: What have we here? Jackpot.

MILLIE: Holy crap. So
many in one place. Wands.

Wands, wands, wands, wands,
wands, wands, wands, wands!

Hello, pink rose.

Okay, Millie, I got your wand,
so now I'm gonna get the hell

- out of... Huh?
- Wands, wands, wands, wands, wands.

- And here you are.
- Wands, wands, wands, wands ♪ Wands! ♪

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Uh...

You. Help. Help!
It's the headbutter.

Her and her accomplice
are taking all the wands!

- It's a planned hit!
- LITTLE GIRLS: Wands!

- I want one! I want one! I want one!
- GIRLS: Aah!

Up, bup, bup. Pixies, regroup. Regroup!

Run!

Yeah! This is so much funner
than twirling!

- (panting)
- Quick. Over here.

Ooh, pretty good hiding spot.

One way in, one way out.
Like all the best bushes.

Um, sure.

So, since we're just
hanging out,

can I have some of your hair?

Eh, I'm sure you already
have enough.

GIRL: Hello? Are the girls that took
all the wands in there?

Oh, no. Uh, no. Sorry.

- Check another bush.
- GIRLS: Wands!

Boy, are they wand-crazy or what?

So, Louise
is a forest person now.

Should we get the Frisbee
and head home?

I guess?

Okay, we've got pixies lost
in the field, the headbutter

and her partner in wand crime.
It's a poop storm.

♪ Everything is fine,
you're friends aren't lost ♪

♪ In the woods... ♪

But we're gonna find them,
because no pixies left behind.

I mean, their parents
would also be upset.

And if they're all together,
stolen-wand fondling,

you better believe
everybody's gonna get dis-invited

to pixie-ticipate.

- Now let's move.
- Uh, me?

Couldn't, uh, Pixie
Princess Patricia go instead?

She's pretty buff.

- I'll protect you, Stewart.
- (whimpers)

Oh, no! If those little girls
are with Louise and Millie,

they might all get dis-invited
to pixie-ticipate.

And right when they're
in their pixie princess prime!

- Their PPP.
- Yes. And they should enjoy that time.

Because before they know it,
they'll be and people will be

telling them they're not
supermodel material and also

won't send them potentially
helpful makeup tutorials.

We got to find Louise
first and-and warn her.

Ugh! Does this mean
we have to stay in the park?

I miss inside,
and I bet it misses me!

Okay, now take one
where it looks like I'm the dog

and he's the human.

Who's walking who, right?

(chuckles) Got it.

Oh. I'm gonna go get a bottle cap

to balance on his nose.
I'll be right back.

Okay, great.

Bob, I've been thinking,
we should just keep buying

this same flower arrangement
and switch it out

when Linda's asleep.

And just do that
for the rest of her life?

Okay. Uh, lot of flowers,
but that could-could work.

Hey, Bob, Teddy.
There it is.

That Bow-Wow-Flower arrangement
was supposed to go to my place

for a service this afternoon.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Mrs. Goldenblatt. She wanted a

"Doggone it, she's
gone"-themed funeral.

I called the delivery place
and they said

they accidentally brought it
here. So I'll just be taking this.

- Oh, no.
- Uh-oh.

- What?
- LINDA: Hey, Mort.

Have you met Bottle Cap Two?

He's named after Bottle Cap,
the dog I loved from my childhood

that got hit by a truck
and d*ed right in front of me.

Wait, it was in front of you?

It just keeps getting
more horrific.

But this guy's not gonna
die on me, are you, huh?

- No, you're not.
- Or I could wait a bit.

I'm holding so many.
So much power.

It's intoxicating.

Yeah, uh, try not to squeeze
them so hard, please.

Thank you.

Look, Millie, you got
your wands, so seems like

time for me to shove on
out of this bush.

What? No! If they find you,
they'll make you talk,

probably with t*rture,
and then they'll find the wands

and then they'll probably
take them back.

And then I'll have
to take Slug-gitive back.

- I won't give it to you.
- Then I'll come and get it.

In the night. I was planning to come by

and get some other stuff anyway.

- Ugh! Fine.
- Uh-oh.

My Mom's phone is gone.

(gasps) It must have fallen out
when we were running.

Hey, no licking.

(whispering): Louise. Louise!

(whistles)
Here, girl.

(gasps) It's them. Quick, hide.

So, I thought

we could just slowly incorporate

that the gnome
also does beatboxing.

And he wears a jean jacket.

Stop. What's this?

(gasps) I think that's Millie's phone.

I would love to hear that guy
beatbox in a jean jacket.

PIXIE PRINCESS QUEEN: Hello. I see you.

- I'm coming for you.
- Ah. Aah!

She's in my head.
She's in my head!

Hang up the phone!

Hang up the pho...

- Redial.
- (ringtone playing)

Aha. Lead us to them, funky ringtone.

Uh, that's not good.
We got to follow them.

And, uh, if it seems like
they're about to find everybody,

maybe you could
cause a distraction?

- So I could warn Louise?
- Oh.

If I could do a split,
you could be like,

"Hey, look at that kid doing a split."

So I just have to learn
how to do a split.

Yeah, that could work.

- (Linda humming)
- Okay,

I think we should make a move.

All right. Good luck.

I mean, I'm-I'm coming, too.

Oh, I can't watch.

Also, I actually can't watch

because I got to go
fix a guy's roof.

I was supposed to be there
hours ago. He'll understand.

Okay, don't blow it. Bye.

Uh, Linda?

- Uh, about the flowers...
- Yeah?

The thing is, they were actually
supposed to go to Mort's.

Yeah, they're for a funeral today,

so I-I need to take them.

Oh. Huh. I see.

Are you okay with that?

What? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Uh, good.
- They're just flowers, Bob.

Okay, you're grabbing
the flowers and backing away.

No.

I mean, yeah.

Uh, I got to go use
the bathroom real quick.

Not to hide. To, uh, to poop.
I'll be right back!

Oh, boy.

- (ringtone playing)
- I hate this. I hate this.

- And I have to pee.
- I've peed, like, five times.

Yeah, I know. So much
easier with an outie.

Oh, God. They must be hiding
in those bushes.

- Gene, distraction.
- Okay.

This is gonna be a little raw.

- (grunts, groans)
- Hey.

Whoa, is that kid doing a split?

Also, to no one in particular,
Mayday! Run! Run away!

Son of a pix.

Can you believe
how good I am at this?

Okay, Millie, that was pretty cool

how you left the other phone there

to give us a chance to get away,

- but now what?
- I think we just walk to Canada,

and you and me
get an apartment there together.

Why did you even have
that bow camera anyway?

She got banned from the promenade thing.

Wait, so you can't
pixie-ticipate anymore?

- Nope.
- Ever?

- Nope.
- Curse word.

Sorry about my language.

Um, hello? We're all
on the run, apparently.

Pretty sure everyone here
is getting banned.

- What?!
- Ah, curse word! Sorry.

Then what's the point
of anything?

Okay, that's it.

Look, maybe getting banned
is the best thing

that could happen to you.
You, too, Millie.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact
that you could be free.

Free from
all this girly girl pixie crap.

Why would we want that?

And what about this sweet wand score?

Ugh, come on.
They're just brainwashing you

with their wands
and their twirling

- and their sparkle sprinkles.
- Sparkle sprinkles?! Where?

- No. No sparkle sprinkles.
- Oh.

Wait, you know
what you guys should do?

Throw the wands in the pond.

- What?
- Show them

that they don't get to tell you
that you can't come back

because you don't want
to come back.

Throw the wands in the pond.

Huh. I mean, it does rhyme.

And an older kid is telling us to do it.

- Or at least larger?
- Thank you.

Okay. Yeah. Maybe you're right.
And, also, you're perfect,

and I think I love you more than my mom.

So let's do this.

- Attagirl!
- (growls)

Ugh. We can't find Louise.

We can't find a bathroom.
Dang it, I'm gonna pee.

- Cover me.
- Nobody's peeing here.

That's just a tiny river.

(gasps) There they are.
Wait, what are they doing?

LOUISE: Wands in the pond on three.

Oh, my God. No! Uh, stopping midstream.

Okay, sort of stopped. Louise! No, no!

No wands in ponds!
No wands in ponds!

Louise, stop. You can't throw
the wands in the pond.

- Who are you guys?
- I'm her sister.

And she's my sister.
It's complicated.

- Why is your skirt like that?
- Don't worry about it.

Louise, you're gonna get
all these little kids banned.

That's the point, Tina. I'm freeing them

from all this girly girl-ness.

Are we doing this?
Are we doing this?

Come on.
(growls)

- I guess?
- No. Little girls,

don't. Uh... Oh, look at me.

- I'm twirling.
- Oh, God. I want to twirl.

- No. Resist the twirl.
- Maybe just a little twirl?

- No.
- Also, what about this split?

Linda? How, uh...

- How you doing in there?
- LINDA: Fine.

How's the restaurant?
Is it fun?

- Uh-huh.
- Bob, let me jump in here.

You know, as a wise man named
Charles Brown famously said,

- good grief.
- Huh? What?

What I'm saying is I
think you need to do

some good grieving right now.

Seems like you never got
to say goodbye to Bottle Cap,

but here's your chance.

For the next, uh,
two and a half minutes.

Say goodbye to the flowers
as if it's the real Bottle Cap?

Seems kind of ridiculous.

- Well, why don't you just try...
- LINDA (crying): Oh, Bottle Cap!

Why did you leave me?

Why? Why?

- Oh, God. So dizzy.
- I feel great.

Okay, how about this?

Just hand over the wands,
nice and easy,

and I'll give 'em back,
and you guys won't be banned.

- Yay. Great plan.
- Tina, I'm helping them.

But they like this stuff, Louise.

- No, they don't.
- Pretty sure they do.

- But I don't like it.
- So?

Well, why? Why don't I like it?

Why have I never liked
any of this stuff?

- What do you mean?
- I mean... Ugh.

I don't know.
Is something wrong with me?

Am I not being a girl right
or something?

What? Louise, it's fine
that you don't like it.

It doesn't mean
anything's wrong with you.

I mean, you like your stuff,
like your Burobu cards,

and they like
their pixie princess stuff.

Everyone can just like
what they like

and be who they are,
and that's okay.

Really?
Miss I Have to Be Pretty?

- That's your last name?
- PIXIE PRINCESS QUEEN: Freeze,

- pixie wand thieves.
- TINA: Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm not scared
of you anymore.

I'm sorry to say
you are all dis-invited to...

(gnome voice): Uh, I did it. Yeah, me,

the gnome's eviler,

non-rhyming cousin, Gnom-a.

- What?
- You are?

Yep. I, uh, tried to put
these pixies

under an evil spell

so they'd throw the wands
in the pond.

I was just gonna ruin things
for them

'cause of, I guess,
my own issues.

But, yeah, they wouldn't do it.

Well, thank you for your honesty,

cousin Gnom-a.

So she was an undercover
evil gnome all along?

We should have taken her out
while we had the chance.

Uh, anyway,
this one tried to stop me.

- I did?
- Big-time.

You should
probably reinstate her

and have her knighted
or something.

Not sure how this all works.

Well, no pixies left behind.

- I'll consider it.
- What?!

- Yes!
- So, these are yours?

- You know what, I'll take those.
- Yep.

Yep. Cool by me. So, I got to go.

Bye. Gnome-ing away.

Um, us, too. Bye.

Good luck with your jean jacket!

LINDA: And I'm sorry
that I bought a hot dog

from that hot dog truck
the very next day.

I love you, Bottle Cap.

I'll see you in heaven.
I know all dogs go there.

Goodbye.

Oh, my God, that feels
good. Is there time

for me to pretend
the flower dog's

my eighth grade teacher
who got hit by a milk truck?

- Good God, Lin.
- Ooh, sorry. I got to get going.

It's fine. She and
I weren't that close.

Oh, now I got to poop
for real. I got to go.

I'm proud of what you did
back there, Louise.

Would this be an appropriate
time to say "you go, girl"?

- Probably not.
- Got it.

- But thanks. And, Tina?
- Yeah?

About this whole
"am I pretty" thing,

which I still think
is stupid, but...

I just want to say
I like looking at you.

I think, you know,
your face holes

are in really good spots.

And if you're not pretty,
then I don't know what is.

Aw. Thanks, Louise.

Anyone have anything nice

- to say about my holes?
- They're great.

- They're good. They're good.
- Thank you.

Now, who wants to carry me
like a baby

the rest of the way home?
Fight over it. Go!

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Bottle Cap Two ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Bottle Cap Two ♪

♪ I'm gonna take care of you
so you'll live forever ♪

♪ I haven't looked it up, but
I'm pretty sure it's possible ♪

♪ I got to take care of you
so you'll live forever ♪

♪ I haven't looked it up, but
I'm pretty sure it's possible ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Bottle Cap Two ♪

Aw, it's like the sequel.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Bottle Cap Two. ♪