12x21 - Grade Runner

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bob's Burgers". Aired January 2011 - current.*
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"Bob's Burgers" revolves around Bob who own a hamburger restaurant, and his family. Bob's burgers are really delicious and appear to be better than his rivals' but when it comes to selling burgers, his kids aren't really helpful, as more customers head over to their competitor.
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12x21 - Grade Runner

Post by bunniefuu »

(yawns)

Hey, new T-shirt I
bought with my own money.

You ready for your big debut?

Giddy-yup.

- ("You're the One That I Want" playing)

Tandy walks into
school wearing a T-shirt

with a cool graphic on it.

♪ ♪

Damn it. Stupid gum.

Tandy.

Tell me about it, stud.

Stud, like a horse?

♪ I got chills ♪

- ♪ They're multiplying... ♪
- LINDA: Kids! Breakfast!

Okay!

What, this old thing?

- Just kidding. It's new.
- It's not inside out,

like your shirt sometimes
is, so that's good.

I love it, hon.

But, uh, no buying stuff
for yourself anymore.

Seriously. Your birthday's
coming up. So stop it.

I can't believe you can
afford to buy a T-shirt

and bring your brother and sister

to get boba today after school.

You can still afford to bring us
to boba today after school, right?

- Right?
- Business is babysitting and,

baby, sitting is booming.

So boba day is on.

It's fine that I always... pay for it.

'Cause that means more
punches for this guy.

Uh, yeah, I have my own punch card.

- No big deal.
- Give me, give me, give me.

With the purchase of a tenth boba,

we're eligible to receive a free
extra large super boba-ly boba

with extra boba balls.

And I don't know if you know this,

but extra large is huge.

- Makes sense.
- Thank you.

- Extra balls!
- Gene.

(yawns): Oof. We stayed
up too late last night.

Well, that's your fault, Father.

We wanted to go to
bed like good children,

and you were like, "No, watch
more movies on TV with me."

- Mm.
- And you insisted we

not finish our homework!

- You stayed up? What'd you guys watch?
- TINA: The end of Grease

and the beginning of Blade Runner.

The theme of the night was

"these are two movies that are on."

Is Blade Runner good for kids?

- Oh, not at all.
- I like when robots look like robots,

not like Rutger Hauer in his prime.

WALL-E is more human than all of you!

I like when robots
look like the Terminator

and they are the Terminator.

I like the movie where
the robot just has a face

and the rest of her is silver.
Best of both worlds, right?

So it's settled... we'll all
marry different kinds of robots.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

(whispering): Did you
find out what Tina wants

- for her birthday?
- No, I forgot.

Let's work it into the conversation now.

- Um, I can hear you.
- You hush.

This is all your fault, getting older.

- What do we get you for your birthday?!
- (grunting)

And take us to boba!

♪ ♪

TAMMY: In sports news,

the Wagstaff Whalers chess team

played some other school,
and I think they lost.


So, that's a bummer,
but, also, it's fine.


- (quietly): Hey. Jimmy Jr.
- What?

Hi. I just wanted to make
sure I wasn't distracting you

or anything, with my new shirt.

- Huh? Oh. That's new?
- Shh! This is important.

... and I walked by and I
smelled it and it was gross.


And now for our new
segment Wow or Weird,


where we look at stuff
that people are doing


and tell you if it's wow or weird.

And, yes, it's totally news. Jocelyn?

Callie's new nail polish... wow.

Jason's eggplant sandwich
that he brought from home...


- Weird.
- Tammy's new braces... wow.


Oh, my gosh, really? (chuckles): Okay.

- Jocelyn's new laugh...
- (giggles)


- Wow.
- How about Tina's horse shirt?


- Mm, weird.
- Yeah, weird.


- And that's the news.
- (quietly): That went really well.


- So well.
- Guys, what the heck?

Tina, we're having a meeting.
We looked really good.

- So good.
- (school bell rings)

- (bell tinkles)
- BOB: Pretty great day


- so far, huh?
- Yeah, we had customers and everything.

I don't even mind
cleaning the bathroom.

- Not it.
- (door opens)

- Oh, you're doing it. Great.

- Aah!
- What? What? What is it?

God, I thought you fell
in the urinal again.

(sighs) Look.

LINDA: "Bob's is crap."

- What the... ?
- Someone ate here

and wrote on the wall

- that we're crap?
- It's just some dum-dum.

They don't even know
what they're writing.

Pooping can make people do
crazy things. The texts I've sent...

(dazed): I'll go get
something to wash it.

It's on there good, isn't
it? What kind of pen is this?

Ugh! Ugh! Bathroom wall! Ugh!

- (bell tinkles)
- Hi, kids!

How was school? Your
father's in the bathroom,

scrubbing something off the
wall, and he's... totally fine.

Well, uh, Tina's totally fine, too.

No one said anything not
nice about her new shirt,

and so we're here,

instead of getting super
boba with extra balls.

- Extra balls!
- Those jerks!

I hope whoever said something
about your shirt sits on a fork.

With sauce on it. So
it hurts and it stains.

(sighs deeply, groans)

Tina, why don't you go upstairs

and do something nice for yourself?

Eat crackers in the
bath. That's what I do.

It gets a little mushy in there,

- but it's nice.
- Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm depressed, too.

- Can I get out of working?
- Uh-uh.

- Oh, fine.
- (groans loudly) Mother,

may you never feel this kind of pain.

And don't bring up childbirth.

TINA: No. (grunting)

Judgy. (grunts)

In a dark,

drizzly, dystopian future,

the Wag... stell Company

will make human-like bots...

... to do manual labor.

♪ ♪

Amidst this drudgery, the bots

occasionally find small ways

to express themselves.

It's nice...

... but also risky.

Because their every move is watched

and judged.

♪ ♪

(speaking inaudibly)

(speaking inaudibly)

♪ ♪

(speaks inaudibly)

♪ ♪

(alarm blaring)

Ow. I'm okay.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(announcer speaks Korean over speaker)

I need your coat, your
shoes and your bike.

Oh, you're a mannequin.

Or a woman-equin?

I like your hair.

Hello there. Nice
night to do human stuff.

(chuckling nervously)

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Uh... (grunts)

Oh. Whoops.

♪ ♪

(speaking inaudibly)

♪ ♪

(speaking inaudibly)

♪ ♪

Come in. Sit down.

Care if I talk? I'm kind of
nervous when I take tests.

Uh, please, don't move.

This thing is, like, so hard to set up.

- TINA: Oh. Sorry.
- Okay.

You're in a desert,
when, all of a sudden,

you look down and see a tortoise.

- Tortoise? What's that?
- Do you know what a turtle is?

Totally. Do you know what it is?

Yeah. You know, they have the shells

and they sort of stick
their heads out like...

(grunting)

Right. Turtles.

You reach down. You flip the
tortoise over on its back.

The tortoise lays on its
back, b*ating its... legs,

trying to turn itself over, but
it can't, not without your help.

But you're not helping.

TINA: I'm sorry, can you start again?

I was thinking of something else.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm kidding. I heard.

- Shall we continue?
- Sure.

Just adjusting something under
the table. Don't even worry about it.

Well, the eye thing is off
now, so I got to fix it.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I'm just dealing

with a different thing,
not a w*apon pointed at you.

Okay. Focused.

Now, describe only the good
things that come to your mind

about your mother.

- My mother?
- Yeah.

Let me tell you about my mother.

- LINDA: Tina! Breakfast!
- (inhales deeply)

(sighs)

(sighs deeply)

(coughs) Gene, uh, was there
something you wanted to say?

About Tina?

Oh. Uh, just how much I... love her.

Me, too. I love her so much.

And have you noticed
that she's gorgeous?

Please stop saying you love
Tina so she'll take you to boba.

It's unrelated.

Yeah, are you scared
of feelings, Father?

Tina, honey, look at me.
I'm gonna say birthday present ideas

and you just smile at the
ones that make you happy.

Books. Arts and crafts.

Poster.

Nice bottle of wine.

Mom, I'm sorry! I don't know, okay?!

Okay, okay. Bob, you
got to help me here.

Sorry. I'm a little
preoccupied about, you know,

how Bob's is crap.

You're not crap, Dad!

Whoever wrote that about you is crap!

And we should flush
them down the toilet!

Mother, Father, you're upsetting her.

This is not the time!

Tina, look at me now.

Boba? Yum, yum?

Boba, boba, boba, boba, boba, boba.

I'm going to school.

- LINDA & LOUISE: You blew it.
- GENE: (groans)

And now the smash hit
segment Wow or Weird,


episode two, "Wower
and Weirder." Jocelyn?


Teresa's new necklace that
I think has a ladybug on it?


Weird. You should be able
to tell if it's a ladybug.


My new bands for my
braces. Purple, anyone?


JOCELYN: So wow. So purple.

Recess. sh**ting baskets?

More like sh**ting bad-skets.

- Yeah. Weird-sketball.
- Hey!

(sighs) At least I'm
not in the news today.

And look at Tina's socks. Kind of weird.

- Damn it!
- Jimmy Jr.'s run?


It's not not weird. And the vest?

More like weird-st.

- That's not cool, you guys.
- He runs like an angel!

And the vest flaps behind
him like-like little wings!

♪ ♪

Sorry to interrupt again,
but what's your name?

Butt-erd. Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.

- (door opens)
- CHIEF: Hey, Butt-erd.

Aren't you done yet? We need the room.

- Also, your vest is dumb.
- Yep.

Thanks. That's helpful. (sighs)

Are you... okay?

I'm fine. It's just, you
know, you try something new

and you're taking some chances.

I like it. People can be so judgy.

Who needs sleeves on everything, right?

Right.

This test is stupid.

Yeah? I mean, yeah.

Do you want to go somewhere
and kiss each other's mouths?

(playing discordant notes)

TINA: I didn't know if I could play.

You can't.

- No.
- Let me see if I can play.

(playing discordant notes)

TINA: About the same.

Maybe we're both really good?

Should we kiss? You mentioned something

- about that before?
- Okay.

You broke the rules, Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.

You're supposed to retrieve deviant bots

so they can be wiped,
not make out with them

while you play the piano,

using your strange scales.

Zaff! My colleague and rival
in the Bot Bagger division.

That's right. It's me, Zaff.

And that bot's about to get got.

You're in a lot of trouble,
too, mister. You're busted! Mm!

(breathing heavily)

(quietly): You think
she's doing homework?

Lot of heavy breathing for homework.

Yeah, it's the sexy fiction.

Hi. Bye. Sorry.

Okay, just real quick,
jewelry? Yes or no?

♪ ♪

Listen to me, please!

You don't want to
bring me in for wiping!

Zaff, think about what our jobs are.

Retrieving bots to be wiped
and erasing all their memories,

any sense of identity that they have.

I mean, thankfully, I'm a human person,

so that'll never happen
to me, but imagine.

Well, uh, I hate to tell you this, pal,

but you're one of them.

Me? A bot? That's ridiculous.

I have all these
memories of my childhood.

Implants. They're
memories from the niece

of the head guy of the
company that made you.

But I remember them so clearly.

There was the one from when I was a kid

and I watched a spider make a web

and then I put a potato chip in the web

and she was like, "What is this?"

Oh. (stammering)

Hold up. That's my memory.

What? Do you remember
when Anneleise Doucette

pulled your pigtail?

Holy smokes!

- Are we both bots? Jinx!
- Are we both bots? Jinx!

Why would they make you bots who don't

know you're bots? What's the point?

- Probably makes us better at our jobs.
- ZEKE: Wait, why?

Oh...

Because if we knew we were
bots, we'd be all like,

"Hey, I don't want to
get all these bots wiped.

I'm a bot, for bot's sake."

We've got to talk to someone
in the company that made us.

Someone in charge.

Yeah, that makes sense.

But, hey, Jimmy Butt-erd,
you want to wrestle first?

- Okay. Ow! Ow!
- I'm gonna get ya! Come on!

-Zaff, that's too rough!
-I got ya! Yep, yep, I got excited.

TINA: She needed to talk
to someone on the inside



if anything was going to change.

- On the outside of the inside.
- (school bell rings)


MR. GRANT: Tina, the
Wow or Weird segment


is student-made programming.

We're learning about freedom

- of the press, I think.
- But they're being mean!

That's what we're
learning... that they are mean.

But, really, it's only mean
if you're one of the weirds.

- The wows love it.
- Ugh!

They're circling kids'
clothing and being judgy!

That touch screen technology
is pretty incredible, huh?

I was surprised we were able
to get that with our budget.

I feel like you're not
listening, Mr. Grant.

It's kind of the key
to the segment, I think.

You can see them drawing right
on the screen. The school said,

"You can get textbooks or
you can get the touch screen,"

and I was like, "Hello!
That's like asking,

'Do you want to go forward or
do you want to go backward?'"

And people perked up at
that point in the meeting,

I can tell you that.

Man, she's still in a huff.

Look at her huffin' all around.

H.R. Huff-nstuf.

We got to fix her, if
we ever want to taste

that extra large super
boba-ly boba with extra balls.

And we happen to know
the newsy little floozy

who's winding her up.

Yeah. Wait, who?

- You want us to do what now? Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

Go on the air and talk about
Tina's really great horse shirt.

No?

She's interested, she's interested.

Or you publicly admit that
everything you said is garbage.

- Two good options.
-Mm. - Mm-hmm.

Well, thanks so much for
sharing this feedback with us.

We'll totally take that
into consideration never.

Make my sister happy, damn it!

There's boba on the line!

Oh, my God. So much spit came out.

(indistinct chatter)

No!

Not again! Gah!

(sniffs) Whoever did this,

if I catch you, I will
put you in my truck

- and I will...
- Teddy, Teddy, stop.

- Check, please.
- No one's leaving!

- Teddy!
- Oh, Bob.

- Dear, sweet Bob.
- What?

We need to get handwriting

- samples from all of them!
- No. No.

The marker... might
have stained their fingers.

-Like blood. Let's check their fingers.
-Bob.

Everybody line up!
We're checking fingers!

None of these people
have been in the bathroom.

I'm % sure, okay?

It's actually a little strange.

That guy's had three cups of coffee.

But whoever did this
is long gone, all right?

This isn't over!

- It's not over!
- Oh, my.

Restaurants, huh? So fun.

More coffee?

How's it going, Bob?

Who would do this?

Or is this a different person?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Okay, so you're doing good.
- What about this?

A small device... not a camera...

That's triggered by extended
contact with the wall.

- Also, it is a camera.
- Seems like no ethical issues there.

We'd just have to run a very light

electrical current
through the whole room.

You wouldn't want to
get it wet, I guess.

Perfect for a bathroom.
I approve this plan.

- Teddy, not helping.
- (sighs)

I think I need to let go of boba,

to move on, to heal.

There must be other
chewy beverages, right?

No, Gene. We can't give up.

If we could just get into Tina's
huffy hormonal head somehow,

we could figure out what to
say to make her feel better.

Hmm. She's been up to her butt

in her erotic friend fan fiction.

- Maybe we read that?
- If we can stomach it.

- So many run-on sentences.
- (groans)

Ooh, you think maybe she writes
about possible birthday presents

and fun party activities
in those stories?

Maybe I could read 'em, too.
Maybe they'll give me some ideas.

You mean maybe she wrote an
erotic story about gift certificates?

- Yeah.
- The only problem is

she never leaves her room these days.

- She's up there now.
- Well, she has to go to school,

- right?
- Right.

Gene and I will skip school.

This is more important.

We're all on the same page.

Nope, nope. You guys go to school.

I'll look. Aw, Bobby.

You want me to go in there
and write something nice?

I thought of some stuff
last night. This one's good.

"Here I sit, all brokenhearted.

Bob is great and he's
just getting started."

- Aw.
- No. Thank you.

Or... maybe.

JIMMY JR.: The guy from the bot
company said he'd meet us here?


He said it's an unpopular restaurant

where no one will see him. Sorry.

No, he's right. Please enjoy
your secret sketchy rendezvous.

Well, I've never been here before,

but it seems very not crap.

All right!

So this bot company guy's
gonna give us some answers?

That's what he said.
He said, "I'll give you

- a bunch of answers."
- And we trust him?

He super-promised not to tell anybody

about us being bots on the run.

NEWSWOMAN: Police say the bots

are dangerous and also kind of weird.

- Guys.
- Oh, darn.

Well, they still have to find us.

OFFICER: Bots in the
unpopular restaurant,

come out with your hands

- up! We have you surrounded!
- sh**t.

Well, at least they
don't have us surrounded.

Oh, wait. Ding-dang it.

We repeat, come out
with your bot hands up!

You're all getting super wiped!

- (click)
- Oops, I dead-bolted the door.

Hey, there's a bunch of
cops in the back alley. Oh.

Out in front, too, huh?

Yeah, we don't know what that's about.

So strange.

Well, the windows are bulletproof,

and the walls are reinforced concrete.

I put all that in. Very reasonable cost.

BOB: Yeah, 'cause things
got kind of dystopian

in this neighborhood.

- You folks gonna order?
- I could eat.

♪ What if they're right? ♪

♪ What if I'm weird ♪

♪ And better off wiped? ♪

♪ Front to back ♪

♪ All my cracks ♪

♪ What if they're right? ♪

♪ What if the me that lives inside ♪

♪ Is something I
should try to hide? ♪


♪ What if they're right? ♪

♪ What if my vest is odd? ♪

♪ Okay if I ♪

♪ Still eat a burger if I'm a bot? ♪

I'm hungry.

♪ Is it so bad to
steer off course? ♪


♪ And wear a shirt ♪

♪ With a really cool horse? ♪

♪ How do they know
what I feel in my soul ♪


♪ That I might just
be poop or crap? ♪


♪ Honey, I worry you're
gettin' a little too focused ♪


♪ On bathroom feedback ♪

♪ I thought that we
could have it all ♪


♪ We're never gonna taste ♪

♪ Those balls... ♪

BOTH: ♪ Feels like
something's wrong with me ♪


♪ And they know it ♪

♪ They took one look my way ♪

♪ And exposed it ♪

♪ I'm ready to give up the fight ♪

♪ And just admit
that they are right. ♪


TEDDY: There is the secret tunnel.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. We have a
secret tunnel in the basement.

If that's, like, something
you're interested in.

It's for if things ever
got extra dystopian.

It opens out at the end of the block.

Good if you need to
run out for wine, too.

- You zip out, you zip back.
- Okay, I'm embarrassed

we didn't mention the
secret tunnel before.

By the way, nobody's peed in it ever.

Yep, yep, okay. Uh, can we see it?

(grunting)

- Cool.
- Very cool.

- BOB: Wait, watch out!
- (shouting)

- No!
- CHIEF: You're coming with us.

We're taking you to the nearest

- available wiping station.
- Hey, where is that?

That's, uh, Wagstell
Manufacturing, Chief.

-(grunting)
-Come on! Come on, let go! Come on!

- Jimmy Butt-erd!
- Run!

(shouting)

Oh, that's a lot to clean up.

(grunting)

I won't let them wipe you front
to back, Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.

I won't let them wipe anybody.

I have to do something.

I have to do something to stop them.

It's kind of the key to the segment.

You can see them drawing
right on the screen,

screen, screen, screen...

That's it, then.

I'm gonna touch that touch screen hard.

With a hammer.

We have a hammer, right? Yeah.

- We do. I guess it's hammer time.

♪ ♪
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