01x05 - The Vulture

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you guys see the dude I brought in today...

The drug dealer? 81 years old.

I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career.

I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing.

I was terrified he'd die in my backseat...

Or flash me.

My oldest collar was 78, but the PCP made her fight like she was 20.

What about two 50-year-old twins?

Does that count as a 100-year-old?

Amy: No good.

No.

You talking oldest bags? 68.

That's not that old. Yeah, but I was only 20.

20? Were you even a cop then?

No, man, it was before I got into the academy.

Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.

All: Ew!

No... yes, I am.

Yeah, oldest arrest... 68, like I said.

God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?

You know how it is.

When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you...

No, that is not an older woman. That's an old woman!

That's someone's grandma!

She was, actually. That's how I met her.

Went to college with her grandson Marvin.

Don't... don't knock it till you try it.

She had a replacement hip with some serious torque.

It was like having sex with a transformer.

No. That is no one's fantasy.

♪

Terry: Peralta...

Where are we on the Lincoln place m*rder?

Well, like I told Captain Holt earlier this week, we are at the one-yard line. It's a football reference.

Yes, Jake. I played linebacker at Syracuse.

Really? In High School, I played center field in the musical damn Yankees.

Yeah, you don't want to brag about that.

Peralta, you want to loop everyone in?

Ehh...

That was not a request.

Fine. [Groans]

Get ready for some stuff on a screen.

Meet Fred Gorman...

Prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse.

Now meet his wife, Ann Hoert.

She did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life.

Nice.

Thank you, Charles.

Now, Hoert had means, motives, and opportunity.

I just need to find the m*rder w*apon.

For some reason, the D.A. won't move forward with the arrest until we find the Kn*fe she used.

Is that reason that they want to win the case?

Yes.

Well, find it.

The family's close to the mayor, and I'm catching heat from the higher-ups.

I'm gonna ask you again.

Do you need any resources or personnel?

No, sir, I've got it.

Okay.

Dismissed!

Sergeant Jeffords, my office.

Gina: Uh-oh.

He probably wants to talk to you about how your shirts aren't tight enough probably.

Okay, how can we help? What do you need?

I need nothing.

I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor, and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film.

Come on, Peralta, Holt said to use the whole team.

We all want this solved.

I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone...

Except when it comes to sex.

Actually, sometimes including sex.

Will you just let us help?

Okay, fine.

I will let one of you help me... Charles.

Yeah!

And I am choosing Charles because he's the least likely to steal my thunder.

I would never steal his thunder.

I-I'd be afraid to borrow it. [Chuckles]

Terry, I'd like you to accompany me to a g*n range.

You mean drive you there and wait outside...

Far away from the g*ns.

I spent eight years in the public affairs office, so my tactical skills are a little rusty.

I need some pointers.

Sir, I haven't fired a w*apon since the incident.

The mannequin incident... I'm familiar.

[Screaming]

[g*n clicking]

Actually, there was an incident after that.

Another incident?

[Screaming]

You got to cool it, man.

I'm gonna get some candy.

Sir, I may not be the man for the job.

You used to be the precinct's champion marksman.

I only want to take pointers from the best.

So I'll keep it low-key.

We'll go after work to a private range.

No cops, no pressure.

Blam! Blam, blam!

g*n range.

I told Gina she could join us. I want to get certified.

There has been a ton of crime in my neighborhood, and the cops in my precinct are very bad.

You live in our precinct.

Yeah, I know.

Jake: I know we've gone over this before, but I have to ask you again.

Is there anywhere you can think of in that hallway where a Kn*fe could be hidden?

Well, since I've already told you, like, three times, no, why don't I just record it?

Then I don't have to say it again.

The hallway, like all other hallways, does not have a secret Kn*fe-hiding place.

All right, you want to hear it again?

Idea for a novel...

A mild-mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis by a radioactive spider and becomes the world's greatest lover.

No, don't stop it. I want to hear what happens.

This is terrific.

He saves the first lady, if you must know.

Sounds compelling.

Oh, boy.

Well, hello.

I heard you guys were making the rounds again.

All right. [Clears throat]

This one's all you, tiger.

Come on!

Police!

Hey, ma'am.

Thank God! Here, hold this.

[Baby crying]

The lasagna's burning. Okay.

Get the dog, but don't let it touch the baby!

[Phone ringing] [Baby crying]

Oh. Okay. Peralta.

Yo, I looked at the photos of your victim on your desk.

Is that Rosa? Tell her I said hi.

The puncture wounds are similar to a case I had a while back.

They aren't from a Kn*fe.

I think it's something spiral, like a corkscrew.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Don't shush me. I'm helping you.

No, no, I'm holding a baby.

That was actually very helpful, thank you.

Uh-oh. You better get back here. Now.

Oh! Hello, Peralta.

[Groans]

Jake: No, no, no!

I don't know why you're so upset, man.

I'm the one who had to come to this backwater stink hole.

What's up, little man?

What's up? Feeling sexy? Huh?

Yeah, I feel sexy.

Yeah, you look sexy, man. You know I do.

Watch out for that door.

Yo, how much you bench, seriously?

Captain, please, please, pretty please do not let him take over my case.

Major crimes is stepping in. Nothing I can do.

You're off the case.

I can't believe you're just rolling over and giving my m*rder away to The Vulture.

We call him The Vulture because he swoops in and solves cases that are almost solved and takes the credit for himself.

Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context.

First of all, major crimes has jurisdiction over any and all cases they want to take.

But more importantly, you're the one who insisted on working alone.

I told you for weeks to use the squad, and you refused.

I used them.

I mean, Rosa's the one who figured out the corkscrew.

And Charles caught a dog.

Oh, congratulations, Detective Boyle.

You should've involved him sooner.

Turn over your files to Detective Pembroke.

Sir, call him The Vulture.

Giving him a name makes him human.

Turn over the files.

Fine.

But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly.

Thank you.

God! This is so boring!

For both of us.

You know, before I solve this case, I'd like to thank you for doing all the super-easy work, you know, the real Nancy Drew-level stuff.

Oh, yeah? Did Nancy Drew solve a lot of murders?

Yeah, she did... m*rder on lce, Recipe for m*rder.

Nancy was a wonderful Detective.

I wanted to be her when I grew up.

Thanks, Charles. That's helpful.

Hey! Should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case?

Nope.

I mean, what was it with Diaz's last "impossible" extortion case?

What was it, six hours?

That's because it was 98% solved.

The last 2% is the hardest to get.

That's why they leave it in the milk.

What?

Pembroke: Oh! Wow!

Looking good, Santiago.

You foxy ma.

Go rot in hell.

This is your fault.

Thanks, champ. Good effort.

I got it from here.

And, hey, you feel free to call me anytime you need me to come down here and help powder that big white ass of yours.

[Grunts]

Well, that's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

[Groans] I hate The Vulture so much!

Me too. But he's kind of hot.

What?

You can hate people and still think they're hot.

Case in point, Manuel Noriega.

You know what? I'm with you on this.

Tonya Harding.

Yeah, she's thick.

Right?

Always classy, Jake.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry you got vultured.

Happens to the best of us.

On my count.

One, two...

Three! I got it from here!

Yeah!

Get up! Get up! Turn around!

[Laughing]

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say...

Can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Thanks, guys, I got it from here.

Let's go. b*at it!

Skim white chocolate macchiato for Charles.

I got it from here.

I used a gift card for that!

God, I just... I want to get back at him so bad!

I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his tires... I don't know.

Or slash his gorgeous throat.

I cannot figure you out.

Okay, I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan.

Best idea gets 50 bucks.

Throw 'em on out.

What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead?

Like, they d*ed of cancer.

Charles, that is so dark.

I'm putting it down.

So my stance feels good, but I'm still not hitting center.

All right.

Back your left foot up a hair.

Gina: Like this?

Mm, mm, mm!

No! Gina! We've been over this.

Well, show me!

Like, wrap your thick, muscular arms around me and...

Terry: All right, look, hands here, stand up straight, chin forward.

Hold on, my nose itches.

Gina!

When I lock my sh**ting arm, the other hand feels unstable.

Now, what stance am I supposed to be doing...

Weaver or isosceles?

You guys did stances? Like, I'll be like...

Yeah, everybody does stances, Gina.

Listen, uh... Hey, all right, all right!

Look, hey, both you, just watch.

That's eight! He did it!

That was only seven.

Why are you counting my sh*ts?

Are you trying to have me recertified?

Yes.

If you make eight of ten sh*ts, I can sign off on you carrying a g*n again.

Gina's here as an official witness, and I thought it'd be easier for you in a no-pressure environment.

I can't believe you tricked me!

You're too good a cop to be shackled to a desk.

You only have one hit until you get recertified.

So deep breath, huh?

Take the final sh*t.

Don't overthink it.

Just relax and breathe.

Bring air into your lungs...

Like you've done your whole life.

[Panting] Oh, my God.

Guys! How do you breathe?

I forgot how to breathe!

Is it two in, one out?

What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair dryer?

Little trick I learned in gift basket making class.

Jake: All right. Here's what we're up to.

Steal his kidney, burn down his house, replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues.

Thank you, Charles. You're welcome.

Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet.

Note: He would have to own a cedar closet.

He seems like he would.

Sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave.

Thank you, Charles.

Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down.

Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, Charles' motorcycle idea is the winner.

Yeah! Winning by default.

Jake: Let's get into it.

Anybody know where The Vulture lives?

On third, right near here. How do you know that?

Jake: Chug 'em, boys. We're rolling!

[Grunts]

Yes!

Take that, Vulture!

Yeah.

Nice.

All right, give me your hair dryer.

What? What are you talking about?

Don't you carry one in your purse?

Have you ever met a human woman?

There's a drugstore four blocks away... I'm on it.

Jake: Oh, no.

Scully traveling four blocks?

That could take weeks.

Hoo!

Take the sh*t, sergeant.

I just need a second.

You've had 18 minutes of seconds.

[Phone ringing]

Gina's authentic stolen police badges.

How can I help?

Jake: Hey, it's Peralta.

Oh, hey, Jake.

Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?

Of course. I'm not an animal.

Great.

I need you to bring it to The Vulture's apartment.

There's someone named "The Vulture"?

Tell Rosa. She'd be into that.

Come on!

Peralta, why are you asking Gina about Detective Pembroke?

Oh, Captain, hello.

Uh, we are preparing him a gift basket of sorts.

Holt: Look, I understand that you're upset.

But if you want to keep this from happening again, I suggest that you pull your team together and solve these cases before major crimes can step in.

Am I clear?

Yes, sir. That is definitely clear.

Thank you, sir.

You should be frowning.

Why is Jake smi... Why are you smiling?

Because the Captain just gave us the perfect revenge plan.

We team up and solve this case right now!

That is not what he meant.

Think about it, Amy.

We go back to the scene of the crime, find the m*rder w*apon, and out-vulture The Vulture!

No one gets in trouble if we cr*ck the case.

Okay, screw it. I'm in.

Yes! That's right! All right.

We're angry. We're getting revenge.

We're a little bit tipsy.

We should not be driving. We're taking the bus.

I love the bus!

Jake: So the waitress heard the couple arguing at dinner.

Apparently he was having an affair, and it was not the first time.

Two years ago, she caught him with a dog walker who was walking his dog, if you know what I mean.

I do.

Right?

Yes, I got it.

Sex times.

Mm-hmm.

Anyways, we know it's the wife.

You're real talkative now that you want our help.

All right, it is possible that I should've brought you guys in sooner.

But I just get so excited, wrapped up in wanting to solve stuff, you know?

I get it. You want to be the best.

We all do.

You just don't have to be such a butthead about it.

What?

I just can't believe you would call me a butthead.

Shut up.

That's so harsh.

Hitchcock farts nonstop.

Still waiting, sergeant.

It's just the target looks exactly like a friend of mine.

It's just freaking me out.

Holt: You have a friend...

Who's just a silhouette?

Yes.

Let's all just count to a million.

One, two, three, four, five, six...

So then lceman says, "You can be my wingman any day."

And then Maverick says... I've seen the film, sergeant.

I haven't. What happens next?

Goose comes back, right? He's not really dead.

[Sighs]

Goose is gone.

No!

I know!

Jake: All right, here's how it went down.

9:45, a man screams.

90 seconds later, wife goes down to the doorman, says a guy m*rder*d her husband and then ran off.

We know she's lying.

We've just got to find the corkscrew to make our case airtight.

I say we role-play, see if something sparks.

Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner.

Perhaps we should have one more drink before bed.

[High-pitched voice] Don't you "darling" me, you philanderer.

No, you're the husband. The husband had the affair.

I'm always the victim. I don't want to be the victim.

Okay, Charles is the door.

No. I'll be the victim. Don't make me a door again.

Great. Okay, so... Wife goes into the drawer.

Gets the corkscrew. s*ab, s*ab, s*ab.

What did she do with the corkscrew?

She dumps it in the hallway trash chute on the way to the doorman.

No, we checked the trash, like, ten times.

We would've seen a bloody corkscrew.

All right, Hitchcock, you're up.

[Screaming]

The body.

The corkscrew's still in the body.

No, you're terrible at this. Go sit down.

You're up, Diaz.

s*ab!

Then I...

Toss the corkscrew out the window, and it lands on a passing car.

Security cam showed no one driving by at that time and nothing on the street.

Okay, I want in. But I only want to s*ab you.

Fine. Charles, door.

Right.

[Clears throat]

Okay, uh, sweetheart.

Time to die.

That seems a little harsh.

What if it was a magnetic corkscrew?

If the corkscrew was on a magnet...

It's stuck halfway down the inside of the trash chute.

I figured it out first! [Grunts]

Wow!

What's happening?

You have a ten-pound flashlight in your purse, but not a hair dryer?

I can't see far enough down.

Someone's gonna have to go down in there.

Someone with narrow shoulders.

No! I have broad shoulders.

I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders.

God!

See anything?

A little lower.

Freeze! Hands in the air!

Ahh!

We're cops. Broad shoulders!

Stuck! Told you... Broad shoulders.

Apparently, our Detective squad has gotten drunk, compromised the crime scene, and an officer has gotten stuck in a trash chute.

I need you to lead this squad, Terry.

And I mean really lead it.

I hope you take the sh*t.

Pembroke: What kind of precinct are you running here?

Would you like to sit down, Detective?

You seem upset. Hell yeah, I'm upset.

Your team disrupted a crime scene over which they have zero... Zero jurisdiction.

They were publicly drunk.

Apparently one of them pressed all the buttons on the elevator.

Only, maybe he just bumped up against the panel with that big white ass of his.

What now? Holt is gonna k*ll you.

I don't think he will...

Because...

Voila!

You actually found the corkscrew in the trash chute?

Stuck to the side, just like you said.

Boyle, we're pulling you out!

[Screaming]

This is the proudest moment of my career.

Ah!

Oh, my God, you guys, we out-vultured The Vulture!

[Imitates bird cawing]

What the hell was that?

What? It's a vulture.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take this corkscrew over to the D.A.

So we get the collar, not major crimes.

Peralta! Now.

[Sighs] Okay.

Before you get mad...

Shut it!

Holt was right.

I've been so worried about my own kids, I forgot about my stupid grown-up kids.

That's insulting.

I should've been on you guys more.

And starting now, I will be.

But if you ever do this again, I swear I will crush your head in one hand.

You don't mean that.

Try me.

Okay.

Where you going?

The boss is taking heat for something that's not even his fault.

I can't let that happen.

Wait. Damn it.

Look, it's not your fault either.

And it's not The Vulture's fault.

It's Amy's.

I know. I know. It's mine.

It's mine, okay?

God, I do not love how this worked out.

Detective Pembroke.

Now what?

I'd like to cordially invite you to calm down, especially considering that this case has already been solved...

By you!

Looks like you found the m*rder w*apon.

It's a good thing you realized it was magnetically stuck to the inside of the trash chute.

Congratulations.

[Chuckles]

Cracked the case all by yourself.

We done here?

Yeah. Yeah, we're done here.

Hey, keep up the bad work, champ.

Here it comes. [Grunts]

Why does he keep touching my butt?

Stay foxy.

Die lonely.

Well, case closed. Good work, everyone.

Let's, uh, call it a night without any further discussion.

Holt: No!

All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of alcohol, overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct orders.

Everyone involved tonight is gonna get written up.

Okay, fine.

Here's everyone who was there.

Jake Peralta, J. Peralta, Dr. Jacob Peralta, who has a PhD in slow-jam studies from Funktown State University, also involved was the right honorable J... okay, enough.

My point is it was a Peralta special, sir.

No one else was there.

Well, Detective, I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of a team.

Everybody go home. Sleep it off.

Sir? Thank you.

Ultimately, it was our raw sexual chemistry that helped him overcome his crippling fear.

You should just stay in the office all day every day and be my bestie.

You could join my dance troupe, Floorgasm.

We're looking for a man of precisely your...

It's gonna be a long road, but I'm ready to get myself back in the game.

I know you will.

I mean, eventually...

Not tonight.

I need to go hug my baby girls.

Excuse me.

Jake, I have to say, the way you handled things with The Vulture yesterday was very mature.

Well, sometimes in life, you just have to take the high road.

[Timer rings] Oop! Time's up!

Can't wait to see it.

[Grunts] Ah, here we go.

[Grunts] That's good suction.

Oh!

Ooh! [Grunts]

Check it out!

Perfect, right?

Yeah!

"Dear Vulture, enjoy my big white ass. Jake."

Here you are.

Always take the high road, Charles.

Always take the high road.