01x21 - Unsolvable

[bunniefuu]

Whoa. What's with the cast? I sprained my wrist.

Oh, no! What happened?

Don't worry about it. I'm fine.

Yeah! Geez, Amy.

Back off.

Leave the guy alone.

[Whispering] All right, huddle up, everybody.

Bring it in, bring it in!

So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.

He's in a fight club.

Jake: No.

He did it doing something he's embarrassed by, like smiling.

Only question is, how do you hurt your arm smiling?

Charles: Could be a sports injury.

I sprained my wrist in college playing field hockey.

Men's field hockey? Yeah.

It's much more violent than the women's game.

We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.

Attention, everyone, I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office.

I tripped over an uneven sidewalk.

I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs which you should all be doing right now.

Get to work.

Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Yes.

I was hula-hooping.

Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun.

Oh, my God.

I've mastered all the moves.

The pizza toss...

The tornado...

The scorpion, the oopsie doodle.

Why are you telling me this?

Because no one... Will ever believe you.

Jake: No. No!

You sick son of a bitch.

♪ ♪

Jake: Hey, hey!

What has three thumbs and just made another arrest?

This guy!

It doesn't work if you don't put your thumb up.

Thank you!

23 solves in one month. New precinct record!

Yeah! [Cheers and applause]

Thank you, thanks.

Dance with me, Jakey.

[Salt 'n' Pepa's Whatta Man playing]

Ha! No, and I will never dance to that song.

Wait to go, Jakey! Whoa!

Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, Scully?

I thought they'd make good confetti.

Why?

This took a lot of hard work and a lot of late nights.

Take the weekend off, Peralta.

Jake: Thank you.

You know, I actually might.

I'm severely sleep-deprived and I'm way behind on laundry.

Good work. Oh.

That's nice.

Hey!

What's with the bag?

Are you going on a cruise with your mom... in 1913?

This is a very stylish bag.

Teddy and I are going to the Berkshires for the weekend.

Oh, for like a police conference?

Nope, just a romantic getaway.

Wow!

That's great. I know.

We're kind of taking things to the next level.

What are you doing this weekend?

Oh, opposite of the Berkshires.

Work-shires. Working, whole weekend.

Fighting crime.

I thought you were taking the weekend off to do your laundry.

Does crime take the weekend off to do its laundry, Scully?

No, it doesn't. Sorry.

Can I call you back? Bye.

What's up? Looking for paper towels.

What are you doing in here? Talking to Vivian.

We're still trying to figure out whether we should move to Canada.

It's awful!

Thank God it hasn't affected how much we bathe together.

Almost never?

All the time.

Thing is it's so hard to talk at work because there's no privacy.

The roof is freezing, the holding cell is full of perps, and their romantic advice is not great.

It's always to tell Vivian, "bitch, get your life right!"

I tried it. She did not like it.

Let me work on it.

Ah.

Hands up, cop.

Hey... no, no. Oh, no, no!

It's Teddy, your boyfriend!

Aww, boyfriend. Yeah.

Can you release my arm?

Oh, yeah! Sorry.

[Laughs] Good one.

[Laughing] Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just wanted to see you before we left for the weekend.

Gina: Aw, that's so gross.

What's this weekend?

We rented a cabin in the Berkshires.

We're taking a couples cooking class, and there's this great antiques fair.

Sounds like you two have a wonderful lesbian vacation planned.

Now my question is, will you be back tomorrow afternoon?

Because that is when you promised Holt you'd help with his community outreach meeting.

That's this weekend?

I totally forgot.

How did I let the Captain talk me into that?

Excuse me, everyone.

Would one of you be willing to...

Me! I'll do it!

I volunteer all my time.

Crap. What am I gonna do?

Well, it's okay. We can reschedule.

I mean, we'll lose the deposit, but...

Mm, or you could just lie to Captain Holt.

That's my policy for everything and it always works.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'll just tell the Captain I made a mistake, and he'll understand.

Mm-kay.

But if you do lie, you can't go wrong with dental emergency.

Or death of a triplet.

Now that one you can use twice.

[Chuckles] Smart.

Good news, sergeant.

I figured out what we're gonna work on this weekend.

I'm working on spending time with my family.

We're having a fancy tea party.

I am the King of origami napkins.

Oh, that's nice.

I thought you were taking the weekend off.

No, I decided to spend the weekend taking things to the next level.

Work-wise.

I found a cold case of ours that everyone foolishly said was unsolvable.

Case 52ABX-DASH-32QJ.

Jake, case 52ABX-DASH-32QJ is unsolvable.

Or maybe case 52ABX-DASH-32QJ is waiting for someone to de-unsolve it.

What's case 52ABX-DASH-32QJ?

Case 52ABX... we gotta find a way to abbreviate this thing.

Anyway, it's an old case that the sarge and I worked about eight years ago.

This guy Nate Dexter was m*rder*d in a boat expl*si*n.

No witnesses, no leads, minimal evidence.

This case almost k*lled us.

Yeah, but I'm on a hot streak!

Plus we're better detectives now.

We're smarter, computers are faster, no more blockbuster.

Drones?

I'm feeling it.

That was creepy. Huh?

But... convincing.

Oh, he's standing up.

I've always wanted to solve that case.

Then think about how good it would feel to finally do it.

What's the best moment of your life?

My wedding day.

Tied with the day my babies were born.

Compared to this, those memories will be garbage.

You don't know what you're saying.

'Cause I'm not married and I don't have kids. Right?

Okay.

Okay, here's what we know.

Nate Dexter was a small-time crook who pissed someone off.

They blew up his boat, with him still on it, and left no evidence except this one charred finger and Nate's melted torso.

Man, I'm having deja vu right now.

Whoever did it left no evidence, except one charred finger and Nate's melted torso.

So in other words nothing's changed.

Except our attitudes.

So! We start at the last place that Dexter was seen before he went to the marina...

His apartment.

I'm telling you, sarge, I got a good feeling about this.

Aw, no!

Well, it appears his building was torn down.

I know this seems like bad news, but on the plus side the harder the solve the sweeter the solve.

No, it's just bad news.

You're bad news.

What? What?

Just saying you're bad news for bad guys, 'cause you're a number-one cop.

Blacker the Berry the sweeter the juice!

What? What?

Let's solve the case!

Rosa: Hey!

We need to tell Charles about Babylon.

He needs a private place to talk to Vivian.

What? No! Babylon's our secret place.

It's the best thing in my life, and I have a very full life.

Do you know I know Papa John? The Papa John.

Someone is lying to you.

We can't tell Charles.

He's incapable of keeping a secret.

[Whispering] I shouldn't tell you this, but we're throwing you a surprise party later!

Look, we tell Charles about Babylon, or I shred your nap blanket into a million tiny rags.

No! I love wolfie. Fine! You win!

Tell Charles.

Hold me close, little wolfie.

Hold me.

Jake: All right, convict.

What do you know about the m*rder of Nate Dexter?

Look, I'll tell you the same thing...

I told you eight years ago.

I don't know anything about Nate Dexter.

And even if I did...

The best French toast I ever ate was with mayor Lindsay's dog.

He's very old, he's lost his mind.

[Cell door buzzes open]

We're making progress!

[Knocks on door] Hello, Captain, my old friend.

I've come to talk with you...

Again.

I've lapsed into song lyrics.

Santiago, can I help you?

I need to speak with you about this weekend.

Ah, yes, I'm so happy you'll be there to oversee the audio-visual presentation.

The last time did not... Go well.

The next chart shows the drop in the crime rate over the last month. [Beep]

I just erased everything.

I'm so sorry, but I think I'm gonna be unable to help out tomorrow.

Why is that?

Dental emergency.

I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled.

Wow, you must be in a lotta pain.

Yeah, I've been in pain for days.

I had no idea you were living like this.

No one knows.

I am a rock. I am an island.

I have lapsed into song lyrics again.

Okay.

Alfonso: That's all of 'em.

What? What about to Frank Williams?

He's in the infirmary.

He was b*at up pretty good, a lot of internal bleeding.

Awesome!

I mean, not the internal bleeding thing.

That sounds horrifying.

But I bet you we can get him to talk if we offer to move him from his current address on beatdown boulevard.

That's a great idea. Looks like we got lucky.

Jake: Hey, side note...

"Beatdown boulevard," good name for my debut hip-hop record.

Strongly disagree. Okay.

Charles: Will you just tell me where we're going?

Guys? Guys!

Oh, my God, you're gonna b*at me up.

[Harp music plays]

Welcome to Babylon!

Rosa: It's our secret bathroom.

It's so beautiful.

There used to be a transit police squad down here.

This was a Captain's bathroom. I found it a while back.

She told me about it a year ago when I got stomach flu from that sewer rave.

Fun night though.

Rosa: We put a lotta effort into making this place nice.

Look.

Weird crystals.

[Sniffs]

Also, lavender-scented candles, a zebra-skin rug, and the toilet paper is, mm, triple-ply.

Wow.

It turns anyone's bottom into a VIP.

More importantly...

Rosa: It has great cell service.

We thought you could use this place to call Vivian when you need to.

But you have to promise not to tell anyone about this.

I pinky promise.

Not good enough.

Blood pact! Ahh!

All right, Frank, let's recap, shall we?

You slipped and fell onto a shiv.

Then you got up and fell backwards onto another shiv.

And finally one last shiv fell from the ceiling and into your body.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

I think you got shivved.

What do you guys want?

Terry: We wanna make a deal.

You know anything about the m*rder of Nate Dexter?

Maybe.

What do I get if I do?

How about a transfer to another cell block?

One with fewer shivs.

Okay.

I can't be sure, but I think Dexter owed money to a guy named Sam Bunsen.

And... that's a new lead!

First lead in eight years.

You were right.

♪ Ohhh, beatdown boulevard ♪
♪ Is the toughest street in town ♪

No, no.

♪ And if you step to a gangsta crew ♪
♪ You're bound to get b*at down ♪
♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

Santiago. How are your teeth feeling?

Gina: Oh.

Dental emergency?

Yes, it just sorta happened.

It still hurts, but I can make it till tomorrow.

Well, if you're in this much pain, I don't think you should wait.

My brother-in-law is one of the top oral surgeons in the quint-state area.

That's two better than the tri-state area.

He's agreed to see you tonight at 6:00 as a personal favor to me and Kevin.

Wow! Tonight!

Thank you.

But that's not gonna work...

Because of the anesthesia and driving myself home.

I'll just go tomorrow. Teddy can take me.

Nonsense.

I'll drive you to and from the dentist's office myself.

That's great, just great.

He's a good dude.

He's a good, good dude.

Jake: Hey, sarge.

No sign of Sam Bunsen in the federal database.

You got anything? Bad news.

I only found his wife and she hasn't heard from him in eight years.

That doesn't sound good. Yeah.

That's why I started by saying "bad news."

Terry believes in having a clear topic sentence.

I bet Mrs. Bunsen is lying. She knows where her husband is.

I pushed pretty hard.

She said she's willing to take a lie detector test.

Well, then let's bust out the polygraph.

Lie detector truth or dare!

No. Boyle, last time we did that, you ended up telling everyone you had a crush on the teapot from Beauty and the Beast.

It's the way they drew her.

[Door slams]

All right, pretty boy, where is it?

Where's what?

The secret bathroom.

Secret what? Bathroom where?

Okay, Captain, I'll be right there!

Don't lie to us.

We've been watching you.

11:18 A.M., Rosa told you to follow her, and you guys left together.

Scully: You returned at 11:31 smelling of lavender.

[Mouthing words]

And you've been drinking chamomile tea all day long and haven't been to the men's room once.

Since when are you two so into being good detectives?

Since it came to secret bathrooms.

Tell us where it is!

Now!

Okay! Please state your name one more time.

Are we really doing this again?

It's, like, the fifth time.

That's a lie! It's only the fourth time!

No?

Okay, my bad. Continue.

I'm Sophia Bunsen, I haven't talked to my husband in eight years.

This is Nate Dexter. He was friends with my husband.

I didn't know he was dead.

You think my husband k*lled him, but I guarantee that's impossible.

Okay. Good.

But not good enough! Let's do it again.

Jake, what's going on with you?

She passed the test like five times.

Or maybe... She's in cahoots.

With him! Hmm?

Are you two cahooting?

Are you cahooting?

Jake! It's over, man.

We had a lead, now it's dead.

It happens! No.

If it's not her, and it's not him...

Which I'm still not convinced of, by the way, then it's gotta be the machine.

Strap me in, sergeant.

I'm taking this thing for a test drive of truth.

Thanks for taking us, Marty.

Please, Ray, we're family.

[Mumbling]

Neither of us can understand you at all.

Ah.

The visual examination doesn't show much inflammation, but these x-rays should be more telling.

Let's see what's beneath the surface.

Oh, stop!

Santiago.

I...

Oh, God.

I forgot I promised to help you, and I made plans to go to the Berkshires with my boyfriend.

Oh.

Wait.

So you lied to me to get out of work?

Yes.

I may be a liar, but I've got great teeth.

And no one can take that from me.

Have you heard of "over-brushing?"

Oh, no.

Your aggressive technique has stripped away the protective enamel and much of your gum.

You have seven cavities.

I have to say... I feel like you deserve this.

[Whispering] Charles!

What the hell is wrong with you?

You told Hitchcock and Scully?

No! What?

Yep, this... is... happening.

They were scary.

It was like that moment in Planet of Apes when the monkey talked.

Charles: Look, I'm sorry.

You let me into your special place.

Ew. I messed up, and I'll fix it.

It's okay, Charles, you don't have to.

No! It's not okay. Babylon hath fallen.

Charles betrayed us and I will make him pay for it.

Rosa: Gina, enough.

Boyle needed a bathroom, so we told him about it.

Just like I told you when you needed it?

Leave him alone. He saved my life.

Plus... he's pitiful.

And his life is crap right now.

Yeah! It is! Thank you, Rosa.

I'm telling you this machine is broken.

Ask me a question.

Is Jay Z really your favorite artist?

Yes, obviously.

Lie. [Scoffs]

See? It's busted. Is it?

Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?

[Scoffs] No.

Lie. All right, fine.

She is.

[Quietly] She makes me feel things.

She makes me all of us feel things!

Look, that machine is working just fine.

Why are you being so crazy about this case?

I wanted to work the toughest case we had.

Why?

Because it would feel awesome to solve it.

Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge.

I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona?

Yeah. That's the whole point of it.

Seriously? That seems lame.

I don't know why you wanna spend the entire weekend at work, but I'm going home to my family.

See you tomorrow, Jake.

Fine, abandon me!

I don't want you here anyway.

That's a lie.

Come on, man.

[Siren]

I got here an hour early. This better be good.

Hmm? Holy Moses!

What happened to you?

I have not slept in, since I last saw you, many hours.

Plus, I think I'm hallucinating because I'm pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.

No, that's possible.

My biceps mock a lotta people. Mm.

Good to know.

So I rewatched the interrogation, and get this.

Sophia wasn't lying about anything.

She doesn't know who k*lled Nate Dexter.

But... she does know something way better.

Come with me.

Jake! Hmm?

People normally move after they say that.

Oh, yeah, I feel asleep for a second.

Sorry.

Come with me.

Okay! Ahh!

Y'all ready for this? You know what I'm saying?

Terry Jeffords, allow me to introduce to you...

Our m*rder victim, the not-dead Nate Dexter.

What the hell is going on?

[Mimics expl*si*n] Right?

Sophia wasn't lying.

I was just not asking the right questions.

She hadn't seen her husband in eight years, but she was positive there's no way that he k*lled Dexter.

That's when it occurred to me, no one k*lled him.

Hey, Nate, just talking about how you're alive.

Yeah, I'm alive.

But whose melted torso did we find?

Sophia's husband.

Yes!

Sophia and Dexter were having an affair, husband found out, Nate k*lled him.

Now I'm telling my friend about how you k*lled that guy.

It was for love!

Cool motive, still a m*rder.

Also, you remember that severed finger?

Check this out. Hey, Nate.

Show us your hands, please?

Ho-ho! Right?

Cut it off himself. How screwed up is that?

Anyway, I asked all of my CIs if they had dealings with a nine-fingered man.

Unsolvable case... Solved!

Whoo!

What'd you wanna talk to us about?

Well, I got Hitchcock and Scully to promise never to use our bathroom again.

How'd you do that?

The Donald and I call it "the art of the deal."

You want your bathroom back, fine.

I want your chair. Mine smells like my butt.

Ew! Fine.

And we want your coyote blanket.

It's not a coyote, it's a wolf.

Learn your animals, idiot.

[Sighs] Told you she wasn't serious.

Let's go, Scully.

Fine!

I can't believe you gave up wolfie.

It was worth it.

Plus, I'm done with wolves now.

I'm into angry unicorns.

[Giggles]

If I was a unicorn, I'd never be angry.

Amy: Jake!

Nice job on the case. Great solve!

Thanks. Aren't you supposed to be in the Berkshires?

I had a dental thing.

But you're such a good brusher.

I know! [Laughs]

Turns out that was my undoing.

Classic. Yeah.

Hey, you remember Teddy.

Oh! Yeah. Hey, man. How are you?

Teddy: Great solve.

Can I buy you a Pilsner? They have awesome Pilsners here.

Teddy's really into Pilsners.

Cool!

Attention!

Everyone raise your glasses to the amazing Jake Peralta!

Today, he did the impossible.

He closed case 52abx-dash-32qj.

[All cheer]

Speech, speech, speech!

Look, the real hero here is the m*rder*r.

Because without him there wouldn't be a case.

So... here's to Nate Dexter, the m*rder*r.

[All cheer]

Captain... I wanna apologize for lying.

Thank you.

Next time just talk to me.

Okay.

Now I know this comes on the heels of betraying you, but... can I have next weekend off to go to that cabin in the Berkshires with Teddy?

Okay.

[Sighs]

Thank you, sir.

[Laughs]

I still can't feel my mouth. Did a little bit dribble out?

What's going on with you?

For the past two days, you've been telling me how amazing it was gonna be to solve this case.

This does not look amazing.

I don't know, man.

I thought I'd be more psyched too.

Maybe I just need a cooler case. No.

That is not gonna work.

You set the precinct record, you weren't happy.

You solved an unsolvable case, you weren't happy.

No case is gonna make you happy.

[Sighs]

Something's bothering you.

And whatever it is you gotta deal with it.

Yeah, well, maybe I can't deal with it right now, or...

You know, whatever.

[Chuckles] I know!

Oh.

That's a tough one.

Yeah.

But solving more cases isn't gonna make you feel any better.

Having a drink with a friend might though.

Thank you, but I don't think another drink is gonna help.

I think having a lot more drinks might help.

[Laughing] There he is!

So... Amy, huh?

We're gonna need some sh*ts.

[Both singing along] ♪ What a man, what a man ♪
♪ What a man, what a mighty good man ♪

Everybody comes around!

♪ What a man, what a man ♪
♪ What a man, what a mighty good man ♪

I hate myself right now.