04x10 - Captain Latvia

Thank you for joining me for what promises to be the diggity-dopest tree lighting in the history of the Nine-Nine.

I don't understand. Where's the tree?

It was inside us all along. Brilliant, Jake.

No, Charles, not everything was inside of us all along.

The tree is right here.

Cool. Can we go now?

Obviously not. Behold, the greatest inflatable tree that 'Murica has to offer.

And now, in the immortal words of Saint Nick, turn on the compressor.

[GRUNTS]

[WHIRRING]

You hear that? It's the sound of Christmas.

It's deafening.

It's getting really big.

What size tree did you get?

It's a jumbo.

It says it's ten meters tall.

That's...

Roughly 32.81 feet.

Someone unplug it, unplug it now.

We can't. It swallowed its own plug!

Everybody run!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Okay, the tree has been contained.

Wait, we left a man behind.

[MUFFLED GROANING] Jake!

Well, Terry's trapped in the break room forever.

Only thing we can do now is move on with our lives.

It's what Terry would've wanted.

Aah! [GRUNTS]

[WHIMPERING]

God bless us, every one?

Yeah!

All: Yeah!

♪ ♪

Ah, the Boyles are here. Good tidings.

Genevieve, hello, you're looking...

Sexy as a minx.

I was gonna say "festive," due to the scarf.

The bra underneath is insane.

It is.

Okay.

Parenthood has not changed you two.

Hey there, Nikolaj, my man.

How you doing?

Hi, Jake, we made Daddy Latvian Christmas cookies. Want one?

You bet I do.

The potato really brings out the vinegar.

Neither of those are cookie things. I'm just gonna put that back.

So, you excited for Christmas, bud?

Yeah, I'm so excited.

This is Nikolaj's first Christmas because the orphanage kept cancelling it.

Once it was blizzards, one it was fires, and once it was...

Famine.

That's right, famine.

Oh.

Papa promised me The best present ever: a Captain Latvia action figure!

Whoa, Captain Latvia? What's his superpower?

Can he talk to moose?

No, possums.

Worse.

It's a very difficult toy to get in America, so I was worried when Charles told Nikolaj he would get him one.

I said, keep it a surprise, so you don't build up his expectations, but Charles said, "No way, I want to build expectations."

Well, we all remember the conversation. Well, work time for Daddy.

I'll see you guys later. Okay, I love you guys so much.

Love you.

All right.

Bye.

Christmas is gonna be amazing!

Christmas is gonna suck. I don't have the present.

What? But you promised Nikolaj.

I ordered it a month ago from a Latvian toy store, and it still hasn't arrived yet.

The shipping company is giving me the runaround.

All right, so just get him a different present, like a Jet Ski or... a hammer.

I don't know what kids are into.

Genevieve and I worked so hard to get Nikolaj to trust us when we brought him home.

[SIGHS] That's gonna be destroyed, the way dry rot destroyed his orphanage.

Trust me, it's gonna be fine.

Really?

'Cause you said that about "Die Hard 5," Jake.

Oh.

It's not gonna be fine.

Finally, let's talk about community outreach.

Does anyone have any ideas about...

All: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la la la la ♪

Who are these golden-throated dorks?

It's the MTA.

That's right.

The Metropolitan Transit Authority.

I assumed you've climbed out of your rat tunnels to taunt us about tonight's charity caroling competition.

No, no, no, of course not.

We're here to wish you luck, since every year we...

♪ Kick... ♪
♪ Your ♪

All: ♪ Butts ♪

Enough. You may have bested us before, but throttle back your ambitions.

Our voices are...

♪ Better? ♪
♪ Awesome ♪
♪ Sing! ♪
♪ Scully! ♪

That was terrible.

I hope you're more prepared tonight, or else we'll have to file a missing persons report.

First name: "Your." Last name: "Dignity."

Mm.

Come on, crew, let's hit the rails and buses.

Both great ways to get around the city.

[SNAPS]

I hate that we lose to those pasty-assed mole people every year.

Oh, there's no point in mincing your words.

They're knaves!

Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth?

You bet I do. And tonight, I'm gonna sing with it.

We're taking down the MTA.

[KNOCKING]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Charles, what are you doing?

Jah-nakeh.

What?

Jah-keh.

No idea what you're saying. Why aren't you wearing a jacket?

Oh, jacket, got it.

♪ ♪

Aw, it's freezing. What are you doing out here?

I'm on the phone with Melvin's Import-Exports, the bastards who lost my Captain Latvia.

Now wrap me in your arms, I need body heat.

All right.

[SIGHS]

And you're nestling.

Ugh, first those jerks said they lost my package, then they said they found it, then they had me on hold for three hours.

This is the only place I get reliable reception.

I'm unwrapping for a sec.

No, why?

'Cause I need my fingers to save the day like a fricking hero.

And... boom. Melvin's import is in Queens.

Let's just go there right now.

Oh, so they could just walk all over me in person instead of on the phone?

Face it, Jake, I'm weak.

What? Don't talk like that.

You're very strong, all right? And you're a parent now, which makes you even stronger.

I mean, think about all those moms who literally lift buses off their kids every day.

Oh, so you're saying I should tap into my mommy strength.

Yeah, or daddy strength, but whatever.

Right, time to put some daddy into my mommy.

Gotta be a better way to phrase that, let's go.

Okay, let's review our simple harmonies.

When I point at you, hit your note.

♪ La ♪
♪ La ♪
♪ La ♪

Both: [SHRILL] ♪ La ♪

Okay. That was horrible.

Because I didn't get a chance to rap.

♪ Pop, pop, droppin' bodies ♪
♪ It's a stickup you punk a... ♪

No, Hitchcock, there's no rapping.

You've grossly misread the situation.

Maybe we just need to practice more.

I, for one, felt like I was a teeny bit off.

Don't fool yourself, Santiago.

You were the most off of everyone.

That's enough. Sure, we're untrained.

Yes, our voices sound like garbage, and, yes, the MTA has a huge head start on us, and it's embarrassing.

But you know what?

We're the Nine-Nine.

And nothing can stand in our way.

She's right.

We're gonna b*at their butts tonight.

Oh, tonight?

Tonight, tonight?

Yeah, I can't.

I have "Hamilton" tickets. Oh, well.

Good luck. Peace.

I'm out too.

I mean, if we're just gonna be humiliated, I don't s...

Wait, shut up.

Did you just tell yourself to shut up?

Yeah, now you shut up too.

Listen.

♪ Mother and child... ♪

You hear that?

It's an angel who will save us.

♪ Tender and mild... ♪

It's coming from the bullpen.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

Who's singing?

Is it one of the uniformed officers?

No, it is not.

♪ Heavenly peace ♪

Our angel's a criminal.

And our angel is drunk.

[VOMITS]

[LAUGHS]

The angel puked.

Hey, you Melvin?

I am, who are you?

I'm Charles, from being on hold, and I want my package.

Yeah, I already told you, that package isn't here.

Well, I made a sacred promise to my son, and you're not gonna make a liar out of me, so why don't you take another look?

We'll wait. 'Cause we've got all... night... long.

Damn.

Oh, I don't know if you knew this, but... I'm a cop.

So maybe this time, don't lie to me.

Hey, I didn't know you guys were police.

Well, now you do, genius.

How do you keep doing that?

I don't know.

All right, all right, hold on. Look, there's a Latvian gang, okay, the Gals Skepu. They smuggle g*n in containers that come from Latvia.

Sometimes there's other packages that get lost in the process, okay? If you want to find yours, you gotta find them.

g*n gangsters, huh?

Well, looks like we're gonna take down the Latvian mob.

Hell yeah, we are.

[SCREAMS] Is it bleeding?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Charles, is it bleeding?

Thanks, Melvin.

I want a Band-Aid.

Hey.

Hey.

I just talked to Crawford from Organized Crime.

Apparently, the Gals Skepu are major g*n on the east coast. Their leader's got an office in the back. Also, great chest hair.

Ah, Genevieve calls it "the plume of Boyle."

Aww, that's so yucky.

Hey, do you think this shirt is offensive?

I'm just not sure how it fits into my ensemble.

Come on, focus, Jake.

My boy's happiness is at stake.

I mean, read the email Genevieve just sent me.

Skip the part about her bra.

Impossible, it's in all caps, bolded.

Oh.

Here we go: "Nik-Nik is so excited you're getting him Captain Latvia."

And then there's a photo of him karate chopping a cat.

Oh, yeah, that's Captain Latvia's move, the Riga Hammer.

You hit a guy here, he goes down instantly.

Sounds a little far-fetched.

Okay, well, tell that to Captain Latvia's enemies. Oh, wait, you can't because they're unconscious.

Okay, the door is guarded by the mob. You wanna figure out our plan?

Already did.

Mommy's gonna talk her way in.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey there, jokers. I got a joke for you: What did one Estonian farmer say to the other? Our crop yields are so much smaller than that of mighty Latvia.

[LAUGHTER]

Okay. Come on in.

Oh, laughing is fun.

The question on the table is, do we add a velvet-voiced drunkard to our caroling group, or do we lose miserably like a bunch of miserable losers?

I say we do it, and I'm the boss.

Therefore, meeting adjourned.

I can't believe you're even considering this, Captain.

The guy's a criminal.

Barely. It was public intoxication.

All he did was pee on a couple snowmen.

And one regular man.

Plus, it'll count toward his community service.

In a certain way, we'll be furthering the cause of justice.

Santiago, breaking the rules makes you all sweaty.

You can't be okay with this.

These pits are bone-dry. The drunk sings.

The drunk sings.

Thank you very much. Did you unbutton another button?

Eyes up here, Jake. So, did you learn anything, or were you just staring at my body the whole time?

Weird, but I did find out who the manager is, and I'm almost positive she's got a key to the back office on her right now.

Her name is Svetlana.

Thanks. I'll take it from here.

Wait, Charles, she doesn't speak any English, and we don't wanna blow our cover.

Do you speak any Latvian?

Well, I learned a few phrases for Nikolaj, but I'm not gonna use words with Svetlana.

Don't say you're gonna use your musk.

I'm gonna use my musk.

Okay.


[WHISTLES]

It's a pretty juicy crowd out there.

Okay, everyone, remember your role.

Patrick, solos. Scully, mouth percussion.

Rosa, mouth percussion. Amy, silent mouth percussion...

I can't even mouth percuss?

No. Terry, mouth percussion.

Hitchcock... stay backstage.

You got it.

We walk out one by one, bum-bum-bumming, then Patrick sings us to victory.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for "The 99th Precinct."

[APPLAUSE]

All: ♪ Bum, bum, bum bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, buuum ♪

Now, Patrick. Now.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm, no, too many people.

Too many.

Sir, say something.

I'm sorry, but there's been a police emergency.

There's a b*mb.

[ALL GASPING, MURMURING]

Not here, far away, but they still need us.

So... Merry Christmas.

And... don't think about the b*mb.

Bye.

That sounded great.

Not now, Hitchcock.

What the hell happened out there, Patrick?

I'm really sorry. There were so many people.

I-I got stage fright.

I don't get it.

You had no problem singing in front of the entire precinct.

I was drunk.

Alcohol gives me the courage to sing.

And the courage to pee on snow people.

Well, well, well.

I made a couple calls, and imagine my surprise when I found out that the only b*mb out there was you guys.

Yeah, well, it looks like the only train in here is the train.

Tell him, Amy.

Train, training, training wheels.

You're circling, find it, find it.

Wheels! You are wheels.

Nope.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Fantastic dancer.

♪ ♪

Wow, Boyle, you got more moves than Bobby Fischer who I saw a documentary about last week.

Flattery will get you everywhere, Jake.

Follow me. I figure we got 15 minutes before the pheromones wear off, and she realizes I took the key.

I was spraying 'em like a skunk out there.

Ugh.

I got nothing. No shipping records, no addresses, nothing about illegal g*n, and nothing about Captain Latvia.

Well, they're obviously not gonna broadcast what they did with Captain Latvia.

They're not fools. We should go.

We've been here too long. This is getting dangerous.

Well, danger is my maiden name.

Middle name.

So you better keep looking, because I'm not gonna let my kid down, not tonight.

Ugh.

[DOOR HANDLE RATTLING]

Crap, we've got company.

I told you we had to leave.

I found a tablet. This could be something.

Hey, thank God you're here.

Do you think this shirt is offensive?

Do the Riga Hammer.

But that's not a real thing.

Ahh!

[GRUNTS]

Jake!

[GROANING]

Oh, you wanna do this in Latvian?

Fine.

[GROANING]

_

[GRUNTS]

Oh!

What were you guys talking about?

Did he think the shirt was r*cist?

[TIRES SQUEALING]

So, pretty crazy how you took out that Latvian mob guy back there.

I know, I felt like a superhero, like the Hulk's mom.

Why the mom?

Hey, is there anything on that tablet that will lead us to his toy?

I don't know, it's locked, but don't worry.

Our tech guys will get it open in no time.

Pssh, I don't have time for those dorks.

What? But you love Ted and Craig.

You fly kites with them every weekend.

They're good guys. Give me the damn tablet!

What? No, Charles, you're driving.

Ugh. 1234? Nope.

5555? Damn it.

Stop.

If you keep getting it wrong, we're gonna get locked out forever. That's a risk I have to take.

Boom, did it, 5683. Fifth most common pass code this year. It spells...

"Love."

"Fart." Yep, "love."

Now find me something I could use.

Never thought I'd have to say "a please would be nice," but okay. Oh, here we go.

There are a bunch of messages about a warehouse in Crown Heights.

Crown Heights, that's where we're going.

[ENGINE REVS]

Hey, Charles, that was a yellow light!

I proceeded with caution.

All: ♪ Glory to the new born king ♪

Those MTA jerks just texted us a GIF of a cartoon subway train mooning a cop. They sent it from the stage.

We cannot let this stand.

But there's no way we can b*at them.

What do we do?

My rapping's still on the table.

It's not even in the dining room.

We need a new singer.

I hate to say this, but I think we should withdraw from the competition.

Smart, then we can sit in the audience and throw batteries at those MTA-holes.

Guys, personally, I think we should go out there and just sing our best.

Caroling isn't about competing.

It's about having fun together.

Well, now that you put it that way, Scully, it makes me realize Rosa and Terry are right.

I say we quit the competition and hurl projectiles at the MTA.

What's up, y'all?

Guess who just saved your asses?

That's right.

Miss Not Good Enough To Audibly Percuss.

Who?

Me! I saved the flipping day.

Got Patrick drunk, listen.

♪ I can sing ♪

Are you serious, Santiago?

That is ethically questionable.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Ugh.

It's a bus pooping on a police car.

Let's b*at those bastards.

Okay, this looks like the place.

Now, let's get in there and take down some bad boys.

Hell yes, let's do that, in 10 minutes after backup arrives, and not until then.

Look, I want this to be a very special day for Nikolaj.

There's a gang of armed men in there, and we've done zero recon.

I won't let you go in, I mean it.

[SIGHS] All right.

We'll wait for back up.

Great, thank you.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

[SEEDY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Only I'm not waiting.

What? Charles, no.

[GRUNTING] Charles, stop scooching.

I am going to scooch. You don't tell me when to scooch.

I can't get by.

Curse my beautiful bubble butt.

See, all Boyle men are blessed with a flat ass, which is perfect for scooching.

Why are you acting this way?

'Cause I made a promise to my son. You can't understand 'cause you're not a father. You never will be.

Hey, yes, I will!

When, Jake?

We're all waiting.

What are we even arguing about now?

It's about me saving Christmas, duh.

Oh, damn it, my pants are snagged, Ha-hah! Now you have to wait for backup.

No, I don't.

I'm gonna shimmy them off.

Oh, God, the eye contact is the worst part.

♪ ♪

Ah.

I told you, Jake.

I'll do anything to perk up my little man.

You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear.

Thank you for allowing us to return.

Turns out there wasn't a b*mb.

It was a clock made by an over-achieving minority student.

What a world we live in.

Now let's sing.

[TONE]

All: ♪ Bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum, bum. ♪
♪ Bum, bum, buuum ♪
♪ Joy to the world, the Lord is come ♪
♪ Let Earth receive her king ♪
♪ Let everyone ♪
♪ Eat my farts ♪

[LAUGHS]

[CROWD MURMURING]

Yeah, I said it. New York City sucks.

Hoboken for life! Whoo!

[CROWD BOOING]

[THUD]

All: [GASP]

Can't talk right now, Jake. I'm a busy little bee.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't hang up.

Just tell me what's going on so I know where to send backup when it arrives.

Uh, I'm north of the loading bay.

I have eyes on the shipment. There are only ten guys.

Only? That's too many guys.

They're removing g*n.

All right, they're taking the other boxes...

Oh, no, they're burning them. They're gonna burn Captain Latvia. I have to go right now.

It's too risky. They have a ton of w*apon.

Doesn't matter. I'm going in there, and no one can stop me.

[GRUNTS]

[THUD]

[SIGHS]

The Riga Hammer. It works.

Ugh, where am I? [WINCES]

Why the hell am I wearing pants?

Oh, I put 'em back on you after I Riga Hammered you.

[GASPS]

Yeah, it works.

Insane.

Oh...

Look, I couldn't let you go in there solo.

I'm sorry, I feel terrible for saving your life.

Enough of your dumb apologies, Jake.

SWAT's here, we have to move on these guys now.

No, Charles, you know what I realized when I saw you standing over there in your underwear?

That my butt is like a sexy piece of drywall?

What? No, eww.

You guys gonna be much longer? It's Christmas Eve.

Just give us one sec, Marv.

No, what I realized is, the best gift you can give Nikolaj is not Captain Latvia.

What?

It's you, being there with him, alive.

But I promised him...

Yeah, but you also promised him you were gonna be his father.

I'm worried we're gonna lose tactical.

Back off, Marv, we get it.

Come on, Marvin.

Look, we can handle this without you... just go home.

Thanks, Jake.

And I'm sorry I said you'll never be a dad.

You will be, and you can make it happen tonight.

Just go to Amy and make sure afterwards that she holds her knees to her chest for at least...

All right, I think I'm good on this.

Okay.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

All right, Marv, be honest with me.

What do you think of this shirt?

It's a little inappropriate.

I knew it. All right, let's just go on three. Ready?

One, two, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Once again, the MTA has bested us.

We should never have trusted a Hoboken drunk.

"Hamilton" was amazing!

How is no one talking about this musical?

It's so good.

Wow, you guys look more upset than Aaron Burr, sir.

That's from the musical "Hamilton," which I just discovered, basically.

We lost the caroling competition.

And now we hate singing.

Almost as much as we hate the MTA.

Yeah, so we should prank call their tip line with a series of well-crafted insults.

We should toilet paper their houses.

With rocks.

Come on, guys.

Getting back at people isn't what Christmas is all about.

It's about being together, as a family.

So you can plot your petty revenge, but I, for one, am gonna carol my heart out.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear a word you just said.

That stain on your pants looks exactly like Bryan Cranston.

That's who it is.

Ooh, that's right.

Yeah, been staring at it for an hour.

That's it.

Oh.

[KNOCKING]

Hey.

Jake, what happened?

Well, we arrested 12 guys, confiscated 35 a*t*matic w*apon, and I found Captain Latvia.

You did? Oh, my God!

Uh, melted. I found him extremely melted.

And grotesque. Probably should've strung that together faster.

Well, that's okay.

You taught me that Christmas isn't about presents.

No, forget all that crap. Presents rule.

Here, give him this. From you.

It's a police man, just like you, Papa.

This is the coolest present ever.

"I'm Detective Papa, and I'm going to go to the Farmers Market. I hope they have aged Gouda."

Oh, my God, I'm melting.

I'm literally turning into a puddle.

Genevieve, hold me.

I got you, babe.

Oh, honey, that flat ass is perched right on top of my ute.

I'm gonna pretend none of that was said for the sake of the child.

[FAINT SINGING]

Wait a minute, is that... Scully?

♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves ♪
♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

Hey, guys, thought I'd spread the Christmas cheer.

Cool, so you're just out here caroling solo?

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

No, you can't. He's not solo.

You guys came.

Damn right we did.

A one, a two, a one, two, three...

All: ♪ Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

They're really bad singers, Papa.

Yes, they are. They're horrible.

All: ♪ Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits ♪