10x07 - Amish Guy

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 10x07 ♪
Amish Guy
Original Air Date on November 27, 2011

(crowd yelling and screaming)

There it is, you guys.

The best roller coaster in all of Quahog.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Ride.

You know, I think they kind of figured that movie was going to turn out to be bigger than it was.

Oh, come on Lois, it'll be awesome.

It simulates all the fun of... of, um... w-what was it now?

It was like a... like a tall guy in a black hat and a cape or something?

Yeah, yeah, and there was the guy with the mask who wore a mask.

And one guy had an umbrella.

Yeah, and I believe he opened it at one point.

Yeah, and it wasn't overly long.

Yeah, not-not overly long.

Sorry, sir, there's a weight limit on this coaster.

Oh, really, what's the limit?

The rule is you can't look hilarious on this motor scooter.

(laughing)

I'm sorry, there's just no way.

Big news out of Six Flags Columbus today, as they unveil what promises to be the largest roller coaster in the United States.

That's right, Joyce.

They call it The Holocaust.

The ride has several Jewish groups up in arms... as they go over the first rise.

They're actually pretty upset.

Wow.

I had heard about the Holocaust, but I never believed it till right now.

I have to ride that ride.

Peter, come on, they're not going to let you that ride either.

You're overweight.

Yeah, if you want to ride that roller coaster, you're going to have to go on a diet.

A diet, huh?

All right, well, how's that work?

Well, I suppose you can start by keeping a food journal, like Quagmire does.

Yeah, in fact, I got it right here.

"Today I ate peaches... ginger... honey... candy... olive..." You know what?

This is the wrong list.

All right, if that's what it takes to ride that ride, I am going on a diet.

And I'm not stopping till I look as good as my great Aunt "Legs-Go-All-The- Way-Up" Griffin.

Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up?

Why, yes, they do.

(screaming) Oh, my God! You're a monster!

Come back.

My legs are shaved like a little girl.

Hey, what do you got there, Peter?

Rice cakes.

Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet.

(screaming)

(coughing and gagging)

(retching)

Who... who could think of such a horrible thing?!

(evil laughter)

We know you not like rice cake.

♪ Ricey, ricey rice, no one like rice cakes. ♪

(gong chiming)

All right, Peter, the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower.

Now I'm going to put this steaming pie on the windowsill to cool.

Now no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose, I want you to resist the urge to levitate off the ground and float towards the pie.

Doesn't seem too hard.

All right, go stand over there.

(laughing) No, you don't.

No, no, you can't go in there.

No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area!

(screams)

No, stop!

I'm saying no!

(screaming)

What kind of pie is this?!

Peter, it's making me watch!

Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster.

Yeah, besides, they're still not going to let you on.

You haven't actually lost any weight.

Oh, I think my lithe figure would suggest otherwise.

A girdle is not a substitute for weight loss, Peter.

Hey, I'm riding that roller coaster, and that's all there is to it.

Now let's get out of here.

This thing's squishing all my organs around.

(heart beating)

There it is, kids. Columbus, Ohio.

Now remember, there are no rules about who can wear stretch pants here, so you're going to see some pretty shocking things.

Brian, is this our vacation?

Yeah.

Oh.

Are we trash?

Kind of.

Oh.

I'm sorry, sir. You're too fat to ride the coaster.

Aw, darn it.

Yeah, why don't you go back to your pond, hippo?

(laughing)

How about me, sir?

Am I too fat to ride?

No, you don't seem to be.

(laughing crazily)

Well, you got to hand it to him.

He had a dream and he made it happen.

That's what the Wright Brothers did.

So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing?

Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind.

And who cares?

He's probably off in a barn somewhere working on a contraption with that weird brother of his.

Ew.

(both laughing)

Orville: Ha-ha, bitch.

You're so pretty. I miss you.

(gears grinding)

(crashing, people screaming)

Peter: Well, this has given me a lot to think about.

Woman (screaming): My son is dead!

We are going to have to send that family money.

I know we are.

Mom, I'm hungry.

Can we stop and get some food?

Well, I guess it is close to dinnertime.

Chris, Stewie, you hungry?

(yawning)

What are you looking at?

You going to propose?

What? Yeah, exactly.

"What?" Eyes front.

(engine sputtering)

What the hell?!

(loud hissing)

Looks like it's the radiator.

Well, we're just going to have to find a local mechanic.

On a Friday evening?

I don't think we're going to have any luck till Monday.

Besides, probably not a lot of mechanics around here.

So, we're stuck here?

Hey, Lois, you see that barn out there?

You know who it was built by?

♪ By... Mennonites. ♪

Well, I guess we better see if there's a hotel or something.

I can't believe we're stuck in Amish country.

Yeah, I thought something was "a-mish."

Hey, uh, excuse me, fella?

Yeah, we're looking for a room.

Are ye indeed, outsiders?

We do not see many of your folk in these parts, but we welcome all of God's children in their hour of need.

Well, actually, I think we need it for more than an hour.

Or do we, right, Lois?

I-I do not last very long.

Ugh, creepy. What's this?

It's an Amish doll.

They're not allowed to have faces.

Has something to do with vanity.

Looks like a cross-dressing Cobra Commander.

Who?

Cobra Commander. He's the head of Cobra.

The bad guys from G.I. Joe.

The guys who oddly shout the name of their terrorist organization as they're attacking.

Guys, we're under attack. By who?

I don't know.

Cobra!

Oh, it's Cobra.

Oh, of course.

Look, they have the pictures of the snakes on their planes.

Duke, what have I been saying for years?

What makes a good terrorist organization?

Brand recognition. Brand recognition.

Mom, I can't stay here.

There's no electricity, no telephones, it's horrible.

Excuse me.

I assure you, our community is quite pleasant.

Perhaps I could show thee around.

(amorously): Okay.

My name is Eli.

My parents run the inn.

If there is anything we can do to make your room more plain, do not be afraid to ask.

Ah, we'll be all right.

A hotel in Amish country can't be any worse than staying in a youth hostel.

Hi, I'd like a room.

Uh, preferably one where I have to sleep with my bag taped to my body.

We have one where some Italian backpackers have laid out every item of clothing they own on all of the beds.

Oh, perfect.

Will my bunkmates be constantly talking about me in a foreign language?

Yes, they will, sir. Oh, great.

Uh, also, I'm going to have some mail delivered here, and I want it to sit in that box for four years.

Oh, and what street is the bathroom on?

So, what do you do for fun around here?

We do chores and we watch other people do chores.

Sounds kind of boring.

Alas, there are times when I feel as if there is much of life I am missing.

Yeah, it'd be tough having no technology.

I don't think I could live without my iPhone.

You have an iPhone?

Yeah. You've heard of it?

Yes, but only because people sometimes search for Amish farms on their iPhones.

Here comes one now.

Thanks for a fun evening, Eli.

And-and thanks for being so nice to me.

I think you are the most fascinating girl I have ever met, Meg.

Here. I want you to have this.

Your iPhone?

Yeah.

I made you a playlist of songs that I like.

Who is this I am hearing?

It's Avril Lavigne.

Why does she shout at me?

I don't know.

Most of my music I just get pressured to buy.

Thank you for this gift, Meg.

Eli! What are you doing with that outsider?

Her name is Meg, Father.

And I was just showing her our community.

You stay away from her.

She will try to corrupt you.

That is not true, Father.

Meg is wonderful.

She is an outsider.

She does not follow the one true path.

You are not to see this girl again.

Do you understand? I forbid it.

(dejected sigh) Yes, sir.

Now come home at once.

And, as for you, I suggest you stay away from my son, you harlot.

(sobbing)

Hey, there, young one, why so sad?

It's just that I really like this boy, but his dad...

Oh, look out.

(loud smacks)

(screaming)

Sorry, there.

Didn't realize how long it'd been since Ol' Dumper did his business.

He'll be done soon enough.

(smacking continues) Oh, maybe not.

Doesn't sound like pooping, does it?

Sounds more like someone dropping sandwiches off a rooftop.

Watch out below, right?

Look like Hacky Sacks.

You'll be sorry if you kick 'em, though.

All righty, well he seems to be all done now.

You have a good evening...

(smacking resumes) Oh, my goodness.

He must have gotten into the chicken feed again.

You'd think they'd know it wasn't in their diet, but this is how they find out.

You may want to close your mouth.

(sobbing)

Meg, what's wrong?

Eli's father, Ezekiel, said that I can't see him anymore! (sobs)

He said I was trying to corrupt his son!

He did, did he?

Well, that does it!

We are gonna teach this town how to dance!

Oh, Meg, I'm so sorry.

I'd try to talk to Eli's father for you, honey, but I don't know if it's my place.

Ezekiel wouldn't listen to you anyway, Lois.

You're a woman.

These people live in a patriarchal society.

The only member of our family whose word would carry any weight would be Meg's father.

Dad, will you talk to Ezekiel?

Will you tell him I'm not trying to corrupt his son?

Please?

All right, I'll do it.

But don't expect any miracles.

I'm not good with confrontation.

Like when I got stuck behind that giraffe at the ballgame.

Yeah! Nice hit!

Frozen rope! Awesome!

What just happened?

Ground rule double! Whoo!

I couldn't even see it.

Yeah, it was something.

Ducks on a pond! Let's bring 'em in!

Could you please sit down?

I am sitting down. You sit up.

I am sitting up, but I still can't see a thing.

Yeah, sounds like a "you" problem.

Let's go, Sox!

Before we commence with Samuel Fisher's barn raising, let us pray.

Dear Amish Lord, thou looketh sternly down upon us thine flock, even though we did not do anything wrong and have been doing chores like (bleep) crazy, please make us humble, and deliver us more hardship, that we may get thick, calloused hands, much larger than other people's.

And grant that we become dull, like Eric Bana, who we have never seen, but are just going by reputation because it is your will.

We solemnly believe that although humans have been around for a million years, you feel strongly that they had just the right amount of technology between 1835 and 1850; not too little, not too much.

Please deliver us from Thomas Edison, the worst human being who ever lived.

And protect us from those who laugh at our buggies or our hats and deliver us from mustaches.

Amen.

Hey, uh, Ezekiel?

You must be Mr. Griffin.

Look, I-I know you guys are busy with your barn raising and all, but, um, you know, I just wanted to tell you how much my daughter Meg loves your boy Eli.

I promise you, she ain't trying to corrupt him or nothing.

Mr. Griffin, with all due respect, we live in two different worlds.

I must do what is best for my son... and I have.

Hey, how do we know what's gonna happen?

For all we know, Meg might want to Amish herself.

I had not considered this.

I was verily preoccupied with Eli's corruption.

Plus, it is the time of the month when Eli's mother is on the burlap.

So whaddaya say, let the kids give it a shot?

Perhaps, Mr. Griffin. Perhaps.

Good.

Now on another note, I notice you don't have a damn lick of music in this town.

We do not believe in such ostentations.

Well, I am about to change your mind.

Introducing rock 'n' roll!

♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ I'm on a highway to hell! ♪
♪ Highway to hell! ♪
♪ I'm on the high... ♪

You are banished from our community at once!

And take your whore daughter with you!

How did it go, Dad?

Very well, Meg.

My recollection is that it went extremely well.

Really?! Oh, my God, Dad, that's fantastic!

So I-I can see Eli again?

Ezekiel: Griffins!

(crowd clamoring)

What's going on here?

Your family must leave our community and return to the outside world.

Dad, what's happening?

I thought you talked to him.

Sir, please, whatever your quarrel is with my husband, I'm sure it's probably justified, but I'm begging you, don't punish the children for it.

They're innocent in all this.

Innocent, are they?

I found this in Eli's corn hole!

Well, I... His what?

A compartment in Eli's room where he stores his corn.

Oh. Well, okay, whatever you say.

Look, Ezekiel, we would love to go back to the city, believe me.

I-I haven't had a drink in three days.

But our car broke down.

We-we can't go anywhere until it gets fixed.

I have arranged to have that taken care of.

This ride's gonna be so frustrating.

I know. These horses are so slow. Sexy.

Sexy.

Stewie: Good-bye, Abraham Lincoln people.

(sobbing)

I'm sorry, Meg.

Eli was the best boy I'll ever meet.

And now I'll never see him again.

Eli: Yes, you will, Meg.

(gasps) Eli.

Eli? What are you doing here?

I could not let you leave without me, Meg.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber in front of these losers.

Hyah!

Yeah! Choke on that, nerds.

Eli, I agree that your father was being somewhat unreasonable, but I don't think running away is the answer.

I know, Mrs. Griffin. And I am sorry.

But I just could not bear the thought of never seeing Meg again.

You ever seen one of these, Eli?

It's a Coleco football game.

Pretty mind- blowing, huh?

You know what?

This is garbage to us.

(clattering)

What the hell is that?

Holy crap! Who did this?

It must have been my father.

This is how the Amish declare a feud.

But I thought they were nonviolent.

We are, but Peter must have really pissed off my dad.

Hey, who raked the leaves?

And look, somebody mowed the lawn.

I was supposed to do that.

Ha-ha! I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores.

You b*st*rd.

Peter, we don't have a choice.

We've gotta bring Eli back.

Oh, no, we don't.

What are you talking about?

We-we can't be part of a feud with the Amish.

I didn't start this thing, Lois, but I'm gonna finish it.

Joe, go round up Quagmire and all the modern-day technology you can find.

We are going to war.

Oh. Oh, hey, Bonnie.

Is Joe there?

Well, can I leave a message for him?

Yeah, it's what I said before about the-the war thing.

(tires screeching)

(beeping)

All right, men, this is it.

Technology versus old-timey wooden stuff.

Let's hit 'em hard.

What, again, was the nature of your beef with them?

I don't know. Something about a roller coaster. Let's go.

Apples... fire!

(all gasping, yelling)

Ah! Damn it! Ow! God!

Quilters... advance!

Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Ooh! Oh!

I bet this hurts so much!

(screams)

Ow! Damn it! I'm bleeding!

Uhp, now it's an AIDS quilt.

(gasps)

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes!

Enough of this crap.

Ezekiel.

Call off your boys and let's you and me finish this man-to-man.

Indeed. Prepare for a goodly beating.

(tires screech)

Dad, stop. Leave him alone.

Father, what are you doing?

I am going to kill that man.

That man is my girlfriend, Meg.

(Peter laughs)

This is against everything our people stand for.

Will you listen to me for one moment?

You were so worried about these outsiders coming into our community and corrupting me.

But look at yourself.

You're the one who's allowed yourself to be corrupted.

God in heaven... you are right.

I am deeply ashamed.

I only wanted to protect you.

I know you did, Father.

Peter: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(sighs) Son, it is your life to live.

I must accept the life you choose.

I choose to stay here.

What?! What?!

Meg, you are the most beautiful woman I will ever know.

You have shown me so many wondrous things that have opened my eyes to the world beyond my home.

But this is where I belong.

I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg.

(voice breaking): I love you, Eli.

I'll always love you.

If this is what you have to do, then all I can say is...

I'll never forget you.

(sighs) I am sorry there has been conflict between us.

Allow me to make amends.

Please help yourself to anything in my corn hole.

Hey, don't worry about it.

We can still be pals.

And I know just the place for us to go and blow off all this steam.

♪ We went dancing across the USA ♪
♪ On that crazy King's Highway ♪
♪ Too much passion ♪
♪ Too much play ♪
♪ We went dancing, dancing, dancing across the USA ♪
♪ We went dancing, dancing, dancing across the USA ♪
♪ We went dancing, dancing, dancing across the USA ♪
♪ We went dancing, dancing, dancing across the USA ♪