17x08 - Con Heiress

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Why do you still read the newspaper?

Nobody does that anymore.

I like to keep up on local news.

Like the police blotter.

Huh, most of these arrests are Cleveland.

And the arresting officer is Joe Swanson.

JOE: Can I help you, sir?

CLEVELAND: I'm doing my mail route, Joe.

JOE: Maybe you'd be more comfortable

talking about it down at the station.

You're right.

It is more comfortable here.

ANNOUNCER: The police station:

come for the racial profiling,

stay for the comfort.

Is that... is that you?

Oh. Yeah. A friend invited me to this charity ball.

A friend? She's !

What are you up to?

Nothing. I enjoy her company.

Older women are cultured, worldly.

I've got nothing to be defensive about.

Her husband passed away.

She appreciates my friendship.

I'm providing companionship.

Dogs are known for that.

I don't like it.

(GRUNTS)

Peter, I need you to mow the lawn.

It's out of control.

I can't mow the lawn, Lois.

The Friends of Distinction are out there, grazing in the grass.

♪ It sure is mellow grazing in the grass ♪

♪ Grazing in the grass is a gas, baby, can you dig it? ♪

♪ Everything here is so clear, you can see it ♪

♪ And everything here is so real, you can feel it ♪

(WHOOPING)

♪ I can dig it, he can dig it, she can dig it, we can dig it ♪

♪ They can dig it, you can dig it, oh, let's dig it ♪

♪ Can you dig it, baby?

Oh, let me get in on that!

(SINGING STOPS)

Where'd they go?

(KNOCKING)

DONNA: Cleveland? You okay in there?

Cleveland!

Wha-Wha-What? What?

Oh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

Mmm, that was a good toilet dream

about my neighbor and his lawn.

Peter, I don't care who's grazing.

The lawn looks terrible.

Get out there and mow it.

Why can't Chris mow it? He's old enough.

Look, I'm all for Chris mowing the lawn,

but you got to teach him.

Fine, I'll do it tomorrow.

After my weekend job as a zookeeper

with very muscular thighs.

"Thigh" there, nice to see you all.

As you can see right here and here,

I am qualified to be a zookeeper.

This is my friend Frederick.

And I am sure you're all wondering how much I can squat.

For that answer, you'll have to go to my Instagram,

YourThighness .

Now, I'd like to open up the floor for questions.

- Yes, what food does the bird...
- Not about the bird!

Now, who wants to see me jump over this fence from a standing start?

Let me scooch these shorts up a little "thigher."

Look out, elephants!

- (THUDS)
- (ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING)

So, everybody happy they went to the zoo?

(CHUCKLES) No?

Well, that's the zoo.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Is that a diamond-encrusted watch fob?

This? Oh, yeah, I-I've had this.

Nobody's owned one of those for years!

What are you up to?

You already did this.

I'm not trying to show skepticism.

My head is too heavy!

I heard the doctor whisper to Lois, " , th percentile."

Okay, Chris, now, if you're gonna learn how to mow a lawn, the first lesson is that you always start by : a.m., before everyone wakes up, including roosters.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

What the...?

Hey, shut up!

PETER: You shut up!

Oh, real original.

Now, to start the mower,

you grab this pull cord like so

and give it a nice hard yank.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Can I change my grip?

(ENGINE SPUTTERS, STARTS)

Wow, much better.

It's a more familiar motion.

For the rest, you can just watch this how-to video on YouTube.

What's going on, guys? I'm Corey, here to take your lawn mowing skills to the next lev.

But, first, make sure you subscribe to my channel, Corey's World.

Okay, now let's start that mower.

Did you know Corey got recruited by ISIS?

He disappeared, and now there's this guy doing ISIS videos

- and they think it's Corey.
- (BEEPS)

Assalamu alaikum, guys!

This is Corey, here to talk about making a dirty bomb with stuff you can find in your kitchen.

Great Caesar's ghost!

Chris and a chubby little friend?

It's like in my dream!

Hey there, Chris.

You know, I've been looking for a muscley-armed young fella to mow my lawn.

Sorry, Mr. Herbert, but I don't even want to mow this lawn.

You could bring your friend over there to help you.

Come on, Herbert. Rope this calf.

Would $ a week change your mind?

Uh, would it? (CHUCKLES) You got a deal!

And I can pay you under the table.

I like to make a little fort under there.

I call it Fort Dix.

Did you hear that, Dad?

He'll pay us $ !

Uh, yeah, did-did you not hear about Fort Dix?

(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Oh, Admiral, you've been so good to me these past weeks, with my husband gone and me alone to tend to his massive estate.

You know, helping you might have been difficult were you not so utterly charming.

(CHUCKLING): Oh...

Plus, helping you helps me forget my own country's troubles

and my struggle to save our national flower,

the Masdevallia orchid.

(GASPS) That's my favorite flower.

And pet charity.

(GASPS) Really?

I've devoted my life to raising money to save it.

What a coincidence.

You and the count.

- The count?
- Yes, of Monte Hall.

We like to October in Zurich.

Ah, yes, the best place to October.

The secret, however, is to October in Zurich

but in September, to avoid the obnoxious Octobering crowds,

saving October for Paris... Novembering there...

Then Decembering in Palm Beach in November

and, in December, Januarying, of course,

as always, in Gstaad.

We December in London.

You, madame, are a cream-faced loon.

Count, I don't believe you've met the admiral.

Well, he may be an admiral,

but he's certainly not admirable.

Panty drop.

Swoon.

Commercial.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

So, Admiral, you must have had quite the military career.

Your honors are impressive.

Is that medal a stretched-out carnival penny?

Thank you for noticing, Count.

It means a lot from a man whose top hat

looks suspiciously like an Amazon Echo

with a cardboard brim.

Why, wha-wha-what a preposterous notion!

- Alexa?
- No, don't say that!

(BEEPS)

- (BEEPS)
- What the hell are you doing here?

This is my scam. Now butt out.

Now, why would I do that, Brian?

These old bags are going to die.

Someone's going to end up with their money.

(SIGHS) Look, all right,

there's no reason to sabotage each other.

There's plenty of Newport heiresses for the both of us.

Maybe we could even help each other.

Exactly.

Two con men like us working together?

We'll be set.

Like a passive-aggressive alarm clock.

CLOCK: Uh, I don't know if you've noticed,

but the sun's been up for, like, an hour.

No, no, no, no, you don't have to get up.

Let your wife do everything.

Just keep sleeping.
You're a good husband.

I'm sure she doesn't fantasize about your contractor,

who's already downstairs working on...

Well, I can't really figure out what he's working on.

OH, I KNOW: your wife.

Hey there, Chris!

And what's your pal's name??

I'm Peter, sir.!

You're big for your age, ain't ya, Petey?

Yeah. Doctor says I eat too much candy.

Ain't no shame in being chubby.

You're a growing boy.

Why, what's this?

(GASPS) Wow! How'd you do that?

It wasn't a trick.

It was stuck to your neck.

Oh, yeah. Sometimes I fall asleep on candy.

There she is.

The wealthiest heiress in all of Newport.

- The Holy Grail for guys like us.
- Who is she?

That's Margaret Woolworth Carrington Von Schumacher

Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery

Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt

Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst

Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson

Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger

Second Montgomery De LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt

Lannister Van Buren Butterworth How I Met Your Mother

Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss Ludwig Morgan Stanley

Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop

Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy

Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport

Von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin

Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont

Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough

Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair

Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke Third Montgomery

Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew

Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop

Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister

Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.

(GASPS) My God.

You mean the heir to the Woolworth Carrington

Von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston

Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor

Armani Roosevelt Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst

Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson

Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger

Second Montgomery De LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt

Lannister Van Buren Butterworth How I Met Your Mother

Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss Ludwig Morgan Stanley

Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop

Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy

Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport

Von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin

Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont

Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough

Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair

Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery

Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew

Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop

Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister

Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis fortune?

Exactly.

She goes by "Pip."

- Pip?
- Pip.

Been trying to schmooze her for months.

The only catch is her -year-old husband

is still hanging on by a thread.

I can't make a move until he dies,

which, hopefully, is any day now.

If we can charm her, we'll be set for life.

No more scraping and scavenging,

like a laughing hyena.

(LAUGHS) I don't sound desperate,

but I'm very desperate.

(LAUGHS)
I'm not a very capable predator.

(LAUGHS) My family's back at the den waiting for me.

(LAUGHS) I think this is the day I starve to death.

(LAUGHS) Just kidding, I have no family.

(LAUGHS) But I'm a very involved uncle.

(LAUGHS)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Dad, shouldn't we attach a bag to the mower?

That's too much work. Just mow with the blower

always pointed toward Joe's lawn.

Hey, will you put a bag on that thing?

BONNIE: Just poop into your hand if you have to.

I'll be down in a minute.

Hey, boys. I've got some cookies and special grape juice for you.

Come on and get it, Petey.

Sweet.

But, Mr. Herbert, you always made the cookies

with the large pill in the center for me.

Sorry, Chris. He just got to them first.

I thought I was your favorite.

("TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS" PLAYING)

♪ You mustn't think you've failed me ♪

♪ Just because there's someone else ♪

♪ You were the first real love ♪

♪ I ever had ♪

♪ And all the things I ever said ♪

♪ I swear they still are true ♪

♪ For no one else ♪

♪ Can have the part of me ♪

♪ I gave to you ♪

♪ Torn between two lovers ♪

♪ Feeling like a fool ♪

♪ Loving both of you ♪

♪ Is breaking all the rules ♪

♪ Torn between two lovers ♪

♪ Feeling like a fool ♪

♪ Loving you both is breaking all the rules. ♪

All right, now let's kick it up a notch.

♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do that conga ♪

♪ You know you can't control yourself any longer. ♪

(GRUNTING EXCITEDLY)

There she is.

We just got to wait for our chance to move in.

Brian, look.

(COUGHING)

You think this might be... the end?

I don't know, but now's our chance.

(SIGHS)

I hate myself for doing this.

Is that a Cats Protective League pin on your lapel?

- Why, yes.
- (GASPS)

It's my favorite charity.

I love cats.

I've devoted my life to helping them.

I like this party.

Pussies.

- Cock.
- Cock.

I'm sorry, gentlemen, but my husband is feeling ill

and stepped into the men's locker room.

Would you be so kind as to check on him?

Well, I'm not sure if we'll be able to find him.

Don't worry. I've got a very thick,

yellow toenail finder app on my phone.

(BEEPS)

SENSOR: Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Ew!

STEWIE: Got him.

Do you think he's dead?

QUAGMIRE: Get the hell out of my face, Brian.

Wha... Quagmire?

No. Quagmire!

- That's what I said.
- Oh. Oh, sorry.

I didn't, I didn't hear you 'cause of the prosthetics.

Hey, just checking to see if the old man is dead.

Oh, hey, guys.

Geez, how many of us are doing this con?

I've got no chance, have I? A tertiary character like me.

You most certainly do not. I don't even think

we're going to give you the dance you rehearsed.

(ORCHESTRA SWELLS)

- You're Margaret's husband?
- That's right.

Listen, rookie, you're out of your league.

You think you know how to bang a woman who's seen a dodo bird?

Wait, but how can you be married?

You don't even live together.
She's old. She says, "You weren't here yesterday."

I say, "Yes, I was." And that's it.

Well, you've clearly invested a lot of time into this.

And yet two fellows like us with loose lips

could cause it all to fall apart.

- Who's this trombone?
- I'm the guy

who enjoyed like hell shopping for this little ruse.

(SIGHS) Look, there's plenty of money to go around,

and I don't know how much more of this I can take,

so I'll make a deal with you guys.

If you can help me "wrap this up,"

if you know what I mean... Take her skydiving,

something that might, you know, overwhelm her elderly heart...

I'll split the estate with you two.

But unless you're prepared to kill her, get the hell out.

All right, I got to run. It's her birthday.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Dear Margaret Woolworth Carrington Von Schumacher ♪

♪ Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery... ♪

I'm, uh, just gonna hang here for a minute.

♪ Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst

♪ Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson ♪

♪ Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger ♪

♪ Second Montgomery De LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt ♪

♪ Lannister Van Buren Butterworth ♪

♪ How I Met Your Mother ♪

♪ Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss Ludwig Morgan Stanley ♪

♪ Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop ♪

♪ Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy ♪

♪ Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport ♪

♪ Von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin ♪

♪ Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont ♪

♪ Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough ♪

♪ Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair ♪

♪ Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke Third Montgomery ♪

♪ Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew ♪

♪ Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop ♪

♪ Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister ♪

♪ Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis... ♪

That's a...

that's a freshly oiled hinge.

(HERBERT AND PETER LAUGHING)

Petey, let's play horsey.

(PETER GIGGLING)

That's it!

It's time you do all the work and I goof off with Mr. Herbert.

Like hell it is.

(PETER AND CHRIS GRUNTING)

Jesse, is this really happening?

You're going down, old man.

I ain't the one going down. You're going down.

No way. I'm gonna pound your ass!

You're seeming kind of cocky,.

Boo, cocky!

Oh!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Why are you being such a jerk, Dad?

D-D-D-D-D-Dad?

Yeah, this is my dad.

(MOANS)

Well, he often said he wanted to explode all over me.

He finally did.

Sorry I got jealous, Dad.

That's all right, Chris.

Hey, did you get a little aroused when we were wrestling?

- No.
- Me, neither.

I am Herbert!

(ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- (KIDS LAUGHING)
- I am Herbert.

I am Herbert. I am Herbert.

Good Quahog, evening.

Uh, let's, uh, let's do that again.

Good evening, Hog-quo, I'm Tucker Tom. Nope.

Good aftereveningnoon, HogTom, Quo I'merTuck.

Quo Goodningnoon, TomerTuck,

I'm ningningafterevenQuo, Noonhog.

OUR TOP STORY:

Newport's wealthiest heiress, Margaret Woolworth...

Holy God, I'm not reading all that...

Was found dead in her home of an apparent heart attack.

- Did you...?
- No. Did you?

No. You think Quagmire did?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

You, uh... you guys actually did it.

And made it look like a heart attack.

Wow. I, uh...

I didn't think you had it in you.

I... I guess you thought wrong.

Listen, I-I know there's been some bad blood between us,

but I-I promise, it won't happen again.

I hope you can forgive me.

Well... just watch your step.

Well, a deal's a deal,

so here's your share of the estate.

Just sign here.

- We're rich!
- We're rich!

(BOTH LAUGH)

We're rich, Stewie.

And no flip joke can take that away.

Gentlemen, due to a disastrous investment

in a Mindy Project amusement park,

Miss Woolworth etcetera, etcetera,

died owing $ million,

for which you are now liable.

We owe money?

Look, Stewie, it-it could be worse.

We could be dead, like Margaret.

You're right. Poor thing.

I guess she just died of natural causes.

What a couple of rubes.

I'm finally out from under that crushing debt.

I suppose I don't need this anymore.

Yes, that's right. It was a Meg story.

("CONGA")

♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

♪ Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ♪

♪ Don't you fight it till you've tried it ♪

♪ Do the conga beat

♪ Everybody, gather 'round now

♪ Let your body feel the heat... ♪