18x20 - Movin' In (Principal Shepherd's Song)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and s*x on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Chris, I can't believe you're helping the principal with morning announcements today.

And I can't believe I forgot to wear pants.

- Meg, give him your pants.
- Mom!

Meg, it's a big day for your brother.

Fine.

It's so cool.

You're going to be like one of those DJs on SiriusXM, where it's all national so nothing's local anymore.

RADIO DJ: You're listening to

SiriusXM channel a-hundred-and-something.

Hey, it's hot out there, but it's also cold in some places.

RADIO SINGERS: ♪ SiriusXM a-hundred-and-something

You're probably in a rental car.

CHRIS: These pants are way too big.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Okay, Chris, while you make these announcements,

I'm going to be massaging your shoulders, just so I can say in court that I do it to everyone.

And if you want to liven things up, you can start out by saying, "Good morning, Vietnam!"

- What?
- You know, from the movie starring Robin Williams.

- Who?
- It was set in the Vietnam War.

- Where?
- He was nominated for an Oscar.

- Why?
- But, sadly, he recently died.

- How?
- He choked himself off.

That's the first thing I understood.

Go ahead.

Okay. "God..."

- Good.
- "Good movement..."

- Morning.
- "Morning, Engelbert."

- Everyone.
- "Everyone.

The stagnant cancer muting..."

The student council meeting.

You know what? You're done. Good job.

Great job, Chris.

SHEPHERD (OVER P.A.):
Good morning, Vietnam!

Right? (CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, well, the student council meeting will be held today

at : in the gymnasium.

I never would've gotten that word.

Alexa, off.

(RELIEVED SIGH) And that's how you do an announcement.

Not like that tub of lard Griffin.

Ugh, I feel like I gained pounds

just standing next to him.

I have to open the window to get that fat kid smell out.

- (LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)
- Hey, Lawnmower Guy?

How do you say "fat" in Spanish?

LAWNMOWER GUY: Gordo.

SHEPHERD: That kid was mucho gordo.

LAWNMOWER GUY: I think you mean "muy gordo."

SHEPHERD: That's enough, Lawnmower Guy.

(LAUGHTER)

(SAD MUSIC PLAYS)

(CRYING)

SHEPHERD: Alexa, stop playing sad music.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

I don't think this thing is working at all.

- Hey, Stewie, where's the...
- Shh!

(WHISPERS): I'm at the opera, Brian.

(MAN SINGING OPERA)

This part always speaks to me.

I can't stand to hear Italians talk but, man, get 'em singing.

Stewie, how can you afford an entire opera in your room?

Oh, boy, Brian's upset because someone has something he doesn't.

You know what I'm getting you for your birthday?

The ability to be happy for other people.

You're not answering my question.

Brian, I'd love to stay and talk, but Bugs Bunny is about to make this tenor hold a note for far longer than anyone should.

(SINGER HOLDING NOTE)

Ain't he a stinker?

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Suits.

As a courtesy to the hardworking cast and crew,

we ask you to please refrain from looking at your iPad

- while the show is on.
- Okay, fair enough.

MALE LAWYER: Morning, everyone. How's the case coming?

FEMALE LAWYER: We're having trouble supporting the defendant's claim.

Is this show a drama or a comedy?

I don't know, let's look it up.

MALE LAWYER: Then you need to dig into those files...

- Eight seasons?!
- "Filmed in Toronto."

There's a Japanese version?!

"Other shows filmed in Toronto."

Handmaid's Tale, Shadowhunters...

- What's Shadowhunters?
- I don't know, let's look it up.

TV ANNOUNCER: Guys, please,

people worked really hard on this.

(CRYING)

Keith? Keith, what's the matter?

It's Chris, you idiot.

Mary, what happened?

Principal Shepherd fat-shamed Chris in front of the whole school.

- Oh, no!
- Just stay the course, Lois.

That "fat" is going to win him Biggest Boy at the state fair.

- Peter, this is very serious.
- So is Biggest Boy.

School should be a safe place where they get shot sometimes.

They should not be insulted!

Peter, are you even listening to me?

MAN: Give us a strut downstage!

Well, he's

A big, big boy, he's the Biggest Boy

He's a big, big boy, he's the Biggest Boy

He's a big, big boy, he's the Biggest Boy

He's a big, big boy, he's the Biggest Boy...

So we're all decided, our last high school play was about as gay as we wanna go.

Let's try to top out at that level of gay.

If there's nothing else...

There's still the agenda item of you fat-shaming Chris Griffin.

I think we can table that, as long as it's a pretty strong table.

(LAUGHTER)

Excuse me, I'm sorry, but fat-shaming is not okay!

This is the year and nothing is okay.

This is the year of instant outrage.

- What?!
- This is my son we're talking about.

Sure, more than once I've caught him eating Crisco with a spoon, but I can't watch everything he eats.

- That's all I'd be doing!
- (LAUGHTER)

And deep down, he's just like everyone else... all together in one big pair of pants.

(CHUCKLES): His-his sister Meg's pants.

(LAUGHS): Oh! Pow!

Lois, did you try this stuff out of town?

- It's killing!
- Yeah.

I'm funny.

In any case, Principal Shepherd needs to be held accountable for fat-shaming my son.

No matter how fat or shameful he may be.

If your son had been shot, all I could offer is thoughts and prayers, but this calls for a far stronger response.

Shepherd, you're fired.

Oh, yeah? Well, now that I'm fired,

I can finally tell you all how I really feel about you!

You're like family to me.

Alexa? Play the sad song from Stripes.

("DEPRESSION" BY ELMER BERNSTEIN PLAYS)

- MAN: Hey!
- WOMAN: We're still in here!

Uh, excuse me. I saw a commercial in which a dog had a very shiny coat.

The dog was, uh, jumping over a fence.

Maybe on a farm or something?

Again, his coat was very shiny.

Yeah, I, um, hate this job?

So, I don't know?

Oh, my gosh, wow!

- This is so exciting!
- Excuse me?

It's really you.

We recognize you from your book!

Ah, you've read Faster Than the Speed of Love.

Be careful with that thing.

It might accidentally change your life.

Oh, (BLEEP)!

I don't know that book. I'm talking about this one.

Flunky The Dumb White Dog?

"By Griffin Stewart"?

My catchphrase is "Herf derf"?

Hey, do you know where I could find any books about, um...

"the pan-crease"?

Thanks for taking me to the movies, Peter.

Aw, sure, Lois.

You know, when you said "Miles Teller,"

I was like, "Eh."

But then once you get here, you realize you can sit anywhere.

SHEPHERD: Hello, Griffins.

Principal Shepherd?

That's right.
And it's just "Firstname Shepherd" now that you've had me fired and I have no income.

And now I'm living in my car, just panhandling outside Miles Teller movies, which is pretty slim pickings, obviously.

Lois, can I talk to you one step over this way,

yet magically out of earshot from him?

We can't let this stand.
We have to do something for him.

What are we supposed to do?
He brought this on himself.

(SHEPHERD HUMMING)

- (ARGUING INAUDIBLE)
- (HUMMING CONTINUES)

All right, Peter, he can live with us until he gets back on his feet.

You made a full and convincing case.

Ya...

...ay, you can live with us!

Wow, that's great news.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Uh, what's your, um, ferret policy?

Huh, wow, Lois, if he's asking about it, too,

I guess we should finally get one.

Peter, we're not getting a ferret.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Also, would it make any sense to put all the beds in one room and make one room a trampoline room?

Oh, well, now that's interesting.

Well, here we are.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I don't know how to thank you.

Ah, don't worry about it.
Make yourself at home.

The Wi-Fi is "Joe Swanson Guest."

Chris? There's someone here who's got somethin' to say to you!

I've never seen this man before in my life.

Principal Shepherd?!
What are you doing here?

Chris, I fat-shamed you, and I believe I owe you a weaselly political apology.

So, if you took offense to anything I said, I certainly regret that you did that.

At this point, I consider the matter closed.

Thank you so much, Principal Shepherd.

I know that was very difficult for you.

Well, I accept your apology, Chris.

Onward and upward.

Now, I believe you have some m*st*rb*t*ng to do, young man?

I already did it.

- Chris...?
- I mean...

I was about to.

Attaboy. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, he's a good boy.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, he is.

(IMITATING LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)

This is real 'cause I'm making the motor noise.

(IMITATING LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)

Hey there, Stewie.

Finally cutting that grass, I see.

(LAUGHS)

Well, if someone had returned my mower when they said they were going to, I would've done it weeks ago.

Whoa, I see the mower isn't the only thing running hot.

But speaking of, I, uh, need to borrow a shovel.

- I'm digging a hole.
- A hole?

- Where are you going? China?
- That's the hope.

All right, well, I'll be checking your Instagram.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Whoa, careful!

That's how God makes angels.

Well, I guess I know where you got all that money!

You wrote a whole children's book series about me.

And you made me look like a total idiot!

Look, you got to call the publisher

- and have these books recalled.
- Not a chance, Brian.

All I'm doing is presenting you honestly to the public.

Just like I did to the witches in Salem.

Who but a witch would not give up her virtue to a man who brought her a luncheon of salt pork and boiled sweets?

But Your Honor, I tried to give up my virtue.

I begged him to take me then and there.

Yeah, okay, okay, n-nobody believes that tall tale.

And he would have none of it.

I offered him posterior intimacy.

Okay, let's just...
E-everyone calm down.

The court reporter will still his quill.

On hands and knees I begged him.

He said he had an early appointment.

Witch! Witch! Press her between stones!

SHEPHERD (OVER P.A.): Attention, Griffins.

Could Peter Griffin please report to the backyard?

ALL: Ooh...

Shut up.

Peter, I'm looking at your aptitude assessment.

Uh, we think you would be more comfortable eating in the special breakfast unit.

(SHOUTING, THUDDING)

It sounds like chaos in there.

Don't worry, Miss Judy will take care of you.

She doesn't have her teaching degree, but she is abnormally strong.

(SHOUTING, CLATTERING)

Why can't I just eat with my family?

We're trying to get you ready to eat with your family.

PETER: Hey, you must be Miss Judy.

Ow, that's my wrist!

That's my wrist, Miss Judy! Ow!

Attention, Griffins.

Someone drew a pen1s on my car.

- Peter, I'm looking at you.
- Couldn't have been me.

I don't even know what penises look like 'cause I'm not gay.

- Never even seen one.
- You don't have a pen1s?

I do, I just don't look at it 'cause I'm not gay.

Now, if it was a v*g1n*, I'd say you have your man.

Seen a ton of those.
Seen three of those.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, three? Deets, Dad.

- Okay, your mom...
- Nice.

- Your sister, when she was born...
- Getting colder.

And my aunt. She fell out of the casket at her funeral and her dress came up.

Did you know they pack cotton in corpses' noses, rectums and vaginas to prevent embalming fluid from leaking?

Anyway, I gave the eulogy at the church and I talked about it.

It was all ad-libbed.

Now that preacher won't even make eye contact with me at the grocery store.

I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.

What were we talking about?
Oh, yeah, your car got donged.

Yeah, I did it. It was me.

Okay, who do I make this out to?

Actually, could you use a Sharpie?

No, my-my mom says I can't use Sharpies.

They're permanent.

Stewart Griffin?

I represent Brian Griffin, who is suing you for defamation.

That's right, I lawyered up, you little bitch.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Sorry I'm late, I was just...

Ah, ah, ah, en français, Monsieur Griffin.

(SIGHS) God.


Je was watching Je Love Lucy, then je... was wondering why Lucy wasn't talking so much, and then je realized it was just a orange cat in a ashtray.

All right, never mind that.

Just join me one step over here, yet out of earshot, so I can rap your knuckles with a ruler.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING INAUDIBLE)

Ah! That's it!

I want you out of our house right now!

- We are sick of you!
- What? You're kicking me out?

Does everyone feel this way?

- Oui, absolument.
- Gérard Depardieu.

Well, at least someone's been paying attention.

But very well. I'll get out of your hair.

If you'll all just help me get my things out of the basement.

Wait a minute. He doesn't have his stuff down here.

SHEPHERD: That's right.

Until you all have better attitudes, you're in detention.

- (LOCK CLICKS)
- Detention?

He-he put us in detention in our own house?

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Allahu Akbar!

We-we... uh, okay, we're gonna deal with that thing and then we're gonna deal with detention.

How long is Principal Shepherd gonna keep us in detention down here?

Oh, you got a big date? Is that it?

Got to get out of here for a big date?

- Is that what you're saying?
- Hey, bite my butt, Mom.

At least I'm not a withered old slut like you are.

- Oh, just kiss and get it over with.
- Guys, guys, guys.

It's natural that we'd be at each other's throats, all right?

We've been down here for three minutes.

The question is, how are we gonna get out?

All right, we're playing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Meg, Meg, Meg!

(GUN CLICKS EMPTY)

All right, who's next?

Mr. Griffin, you may proceed.

Thank you, Your Honor. In my case to prove that Brian Griffin is, in fact, an idiot, and therefore cannot be defamed, I call Brian Griffin to the stand.

Now, Mr. Griffin, you claim that you are not dumb.

If that is true, please tell me the difference between Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg.

Objection.
No one could possibly know that.

Objection sustained.

- You're on thin ice, Counselor.
- Very well.

Now, Mr. Griffin, I'm going to recite a biography and I'd like you to maintain your composure.

"On December , ,

- Treat Williams was born..."
- Treat? W-Where? Where?

- Where's the treat?
- Thank you.

I will now read the entry for Christopher Walken.

Walk? Go for a walk?

This dog is dumb.

No further questions, Your Honor.

At this point, I will turn things over to Brian's lawyer, the gentleman from Table, Knee, Bump and Associates.

Thank you, Your Ho... Ah! Son of a dick!

Ah! Ah, crap.

- Right on the bone. Ow!
- Do you wish to proceed?

Huh? No!

Sucks being in detention. I feel like we're in The Breakfast Club or something.

I don't know, maybe we can take this time

- to learn more about each other.
- Sorry, Lois, we can't.

We got to Breakfast Club dance for the Fox promo.

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, on an all-new Family Guy,

the Griffins are grounded and the one actor of color

plays a character named Lawnmower Guy.

Way to go, everyone.

- Now we have this unearned closeness.
- Don't you see?

This must've been why Principal Shepherd locked us down here.

We've never sat down and talked like this.

Principal Shepherd is the best principal ever.

I'm totally reenergized.

Like when my old high school crush asked to be my friend on Facebook.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Karen Altman?

Wow, that's a blast from the past.

- (EXHALES)
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)

The game begins.

"Hey, cutie. Long time, no talk.

"I'm trapped in Europe and all I have is my bikini.

Could you wire me $ , for old time's sake?"

(PHONE CHIMES)

Beatrice Fuller? She was a snack.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Checkmate.

(EXHALES)

(GAVEL BANGS)

Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?

We have not, Your Honor.

We all feel we need another night at the Hyatt with free HBO.

That free HBO was just a preview. It ended today.

- We have a verdict, Your Honor.
- Please proceed.

The dog is an idiot. The baby wins.

Herf derf!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Well, congrats, Stewie.

You made me look like a fool up there.

I mean, I can't believe you'd do this to me.

I'll never forgive you.

Who are you kidding, Brian?
You're a dog.

I'm gonna walk out that door, come back in and you'll just be excited to see me.

Hey! Hey! You're back!

Oh, man, I feel like you've been gone forever!

(LAUGHS) Hey, watch me spin around!

Whoa! Whoa!

- Whoa!
- (PHONE CHIMES)

STEWIE: (MUTTERS) Fat ankles.

All right, last call for new business.

And again, we cannot show you the nude photos the Spanish teacher sent to that kid.

Well, I guess that's it.
Let's get out of here.

- No, Peter, the other thing.
- Oh, right.

My name is Peter Griffin, and I get to the "in conclusion" part of my speech faster than most people.

In conclusion, I think the school should rehire Principal Shepherd.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Mr. Griffin, you make a brisk and compelling case.

I hereby reinstate Principal Shepherd.

Yes! I love you, baby.

Sorry, Lois, I needed you out of the way so I could kiss this lady.

(SENTIMENTAL JAZZ PLAYS)

It's good to be back.

Wait, who drew this dong on my desk?

Not me. I wouldn't even know how to draw one.

I've only seen two: mine and my uncle's at his funeral.

He died with my aunt in a car crash.

Remember her, from earlier, with the v*g1n*?

My uncle didn't fall out of the casket, though.

I stayed late and unbuckled his trousers.

What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah, your desk got donged.
Yeah, I did it. It was me.

Well, Brian, thanks for being a good sport

- about the Flunky books.
- No problemo,
Stewie.

Aw, I wish you hadn't done that.

If anything, you gave me a good chance for some self-reflection.

Fact is, you inspired me to get back to doing some writing.

Wow, it's really you.

Oh, thanks, but I no longer write the Flunky books.

No, not that book.

This one.

Swishy the Football Baby?

"By Griffin Brian"?

Can you say one of your catchphrases, like, "Hey, sailor," or "Up for brunch?"

Ooh! How about "I'm a bottom"?

Brian!

- So?
- I'm sorry.

- It's not really our brand.
- I see.

Well, what about Phineas and Ferb erotic fan fiction?

Now that is interesting.

Read it to me while I eat my soup.

"Ferb was having a throbby morning.

Phineas was having none of it."

(LAUGHS): Oh!

(SLURPS)