19x11 - Boy's Best Friend

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Well, here we are.

Time for everyone to get new shoes.

Hi.

Can I help you find something?

What's she gonna do?

This place doesn't even have a back room.

All the inventory's just out on the floor in ceiling-high library stacks.

Yup, we got it, Stewie.

You're better than this place.

Yeah, I know that.

I'm better than every place.

Yes, my son needs a new pair of shoes.

Okay, let's just see what his size is.

Looks like a ten and a half.

They're perfect.

I'll take 'em.

No, those aren't the shoes.

(ROBOTIC)

: Do not speak in that tone to the Iron Giant.

Must destroy shoebox city.

Sorry.

He's a little out of sorts.

He saw a bra in the window of Lane Bryant on the way over.

They're, um...

they're pretty big.

They are a remarkable feat of engineering.

That and the Ferris wheel I will never understand.

Yeah, for me, it's paper bags.

I mean, there's a door in it, but no exit?

- What's that about?

- (LAUGHS)

I was serious about the bag, but, hi.

- I'm Brian.

- Holly.

Holly... are you free on Friday night?

Well, I don't know.

Are you a shoe store m*rder*r?

N-N-No.

There's more than you'd think.

Like, if you were me, that's not a ridiculous question.

See you Friday.

Good for you, Brian.

Maybe you can take her to the Cheesecake Factory.

People seem to like that place.

Did you folks find something on the menu you'd like?

No.

pages, and no.

♪ ♪ - What's all this?

- Oh, hey, guys.

Uh, sadly, my Uncle Ray passed away last week, but he left me his vintage sports car.

Joe, that's amazing that your uncle d*ed.

But I'm really sorry to hear about the car.

He means that the other way around.

Uncle Ray also left strict instructions for me to show his car at the Classic Car Show in Providence this weekend.

Classic Car Show?

Isn't that one of those gatherings of a bunch of guys whose penises don't work?

Correct.

Anyone with a perfectly-restored classic car for sure has a bum wiener.

Uh, he also left me everything I'd need to convert my garage to a s-style diner.

See, here are all the s Coke signs from the s.

Oh, cool, and a jukebox!

Yeah, but since the songs are from the ' s they're all about men in their s wanting to have sex with teenagers.

♪ I wanna... be-bop a teeny bopper ♪

♪ At the sock hop ♪

♪ Or maybe after work behind the malt shop... ♪

(NEW S SONG INTRO BEGINS)

♪ candles ♪

♪ Is probably enough... ♪

♪ Nine, ten, -year-old, -year-old sex ♪

♪ I'm gonna sleep with all the kids tonight! ♪

Joe, stop pressing buttons.

("SOMETHIN' STUPID" PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

♪ And then I go and spoil it all ♪

♪ By saying somethin' stupid ♪

♪ Like "I love you." ♪

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Boy, I forgot how great that song is.

I know, right?

It's definitely my favorite romantic love song sung by a father to his daughter.

- Ooh, we should put in our next song.

- Good thinking.

Yes, we'd like to request "Witchcraft," as arranged by Mr. Nelson Riddle.

(SIGHS)

Okay, give me a minute.

You should just know there's a st birthday party here, and you're ruining it for them.

Wow. : a.m.

We practically shut the place down.

And quite a night.

We got to sing two songs.

Do you mind if I kiss you?

Actually, I should chew some gum first.

I had bologna for dinner.

Get over here.

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, yeah, that's good kiss bologna.

Oh, hey, guys, what's the word?

Uh, bird.

Bird is the word.

But we were wondering if you'd take us for a spin in your new car.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Hop in.

Vroom!

Vroom!

Vroom!

Vroom!

(IMITATES CLICKING, ENGINE REVVING)

(IMITATES GEAR SHIFTING)

Uh, what-what...

what's happening right now?

Close your eyes, g*ng, as we hit the Kancamagus Highway.

Just four miles to Mount Washington.

What the hell are you doing, Joe?

We want to go for a real drive.

This is a real drive.

Just imagine it.

Feel that New Hampshire air.

Joe, we're not in New Hampshire.

We're in your driveway.

Oh, great, some knucklehead is tailgating us.

What's the hurry, pal?

Oh, I see so many birds.

Well, we're in a tunnel, so I'm not sure how that's possible.

Joe, stop this car right now.

- The car is stopped.

- (IMITATES GEARS GRINDING)

(SIGHS)

Always have trouble finding third.

(IMITATES BRAKE SQUEAKING)

Okay, what's up?

You got this amazing car.

Why can't we take it out?

Well, ever since I was nine, I've dreamed of driving this car someday.

But I'm not allowed.

It's in my uncle's will.

Even when I take it to the car show, I have to put it up on a trailer.

Malcolm in the Middle, five nights a week on Manchester's Channel .

Cleveland, stop reading fake billboards.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to taste the delights of downtown Nashua.

I don't care what Joe says.

This is too nice a car not to drive it.

Are you suggesting we take it out without telling Joe?

He's left us no choice.

I can't just sit in a car and pretend to drive, like-like I had to pretend to be impressed by Quagmire's new big, green grill.

This is the largest high-performance ceramic cooker available, Peter.

- NSF Certified.

- Ah, yeah, cool.

I'm starving.

When do we...

when do we fire this thing up?

(LAUGHING): Fire-fire this thing up?

Get a load of this guy.

You don't just fire it up.

You slowly bring it to temperature.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

When do we put the burgers on?

B-B-Burgers?

Are you hearing this?

You don't put burgers on a grill of this quality, Peter.

I've been brining a heritage breed chicken for three days.

(SIGHS)

Then can we put that on?

Yes.

At midnight, when it's reached temperature.

Then why am I here now?

Because I need your help to move the grill a single inch.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

Well, let's just listen to music on my high-end stereo system.

Nice.

Let's crank it.

(LAUGHING): C-C-Crank it?

You hear this clown?

I only use it to listen to podcasts.

MAN: Today on The Moth, how a single pair of shoes reunited two sisters. So, big date, huh?

You must really like this girl.

Honestly, I think Holly could be... the one.

Brian, you strike me as a very selfless lover.

Is that true?

Are you a selfless lover?

Stop saying "selfless lover." Have you been reading Lois' romance novels again?

A few, but I'm just saying I bet your coital congress will send Holly into paroxysms of ecstasy.

- Knock it off.

- What?

I'm being supportive.

After all, confidence will help you maintain optimal stamina during your lovemaking.

- That's enough.

- Have it your way, Brian.

I myself am a student of the pleasures of the flesh.

(SLURPING)

Listen to your lover, Brian.

(STOMACH GURGLING)

Ugh, damn it.

Anxiety dump.

(STOMACH GURGLING)

- (UNZIPS)

- Ah, that's better.

Oh, uh, is-is Holly here?

You must be the new jerk my mom is dating.

Uh, and you must be the kid she never told me about.

I host Family Guy repeats in Germany.

GERMAN ANNOUNCER: German Family Guy is brought to you by rail-thin men in Internet p*rn going, "Ooh-aah, ooh-aah, ooh-aah!" I'm sorry I never told you I had a son.

- Some guys get scared off.

- No, no, that-that's great.

I'm-I'm terrific with kids.

I actually have a kid.

Aw, that's sweet.

How old is he?

Uh, I don't know.

How long ago was Ratatouille? Well, I'm gonna go finish getting ready.

Why don't you guys get to know each other a little?

So, uh, is there a dad that you spend weeks of your time with?

My dad moved to Florida.

Sounds right.

What, um...

what grade are you in, bud?

- Second.

- You don't say.

Boy, I bet things are different than they were in my day.

- Lot of school sh**t now.

- What?!

Oh, no.

No, no, I...

No, I just meant...

Like-like, people bring g*ns to school?

What?

No, no, I'm-I'm not saying...

And they just sh**t kids?!

Well, you can hide under your desk.

The desks won't be enough!

(CRYING)

All set.

You guys getting along?

Yup, just great.

All right, let's go eat at a waffle house, and then I'll show you all my bow-hunting carcasses.

That sounds like a perfectly normal date.

♪ ♪ Okay, I got a perfect way to distract Joe while we take his car.

There's literally no phone survey he won't take.

- (PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?

Yes, Joe Swanson?

On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you with your Wi-Fi service?

Well, I'd say it's Wi-Fine.

(CHUCKLES)

I came up with that ten months ago in anticipation of this very call.

Ha.

Terrific.

And would you be willing to take a half-hour survey in your far upstairs bedroom while facing the wall?

Also, how loud does your TV get?

BONNIE: Don't be long, Joe!

I'm expecting a call.

I'll take the time I need!

This is the Wi-Fi call.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Great job hot-wiring the car, Cleveland.

The key was in the ashtray, but your presumption will not be forgotten.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SIGHS)

You know, you're the Cub Scout.

We're supposed to be making this Pinewood Derby car together.

I don't care.

Hey, you're one kid, and we're four kids,

- so we're gonna bully you.

- (GRUNTS)

Knock it off.

Or what, Kyle-Kyle-Dog-Poop-Pile?

Hey, guys?

Let's take it easy and maybe not use canine feces as a taunt.

That's hurtful.

What?

(CHUCKLES)

He's just saying that Kyle's a little baby who's too stupid to even know how to stand up for himself.

What are you gonna do, baby...

cry?

- (GROWLING)

- (SCREAMING)

Let go of me!

Stop!

- You're crazy!

- You leave him alone!

(BARKING)

Whoa.

Thanks, Brian.

Nobody's ever stood up for me like that before.

Well, I think my instincts just kicked in.

Want to help me sand your car?

Yeah.

Definitely.

Animal control?

I'd like to schedule an emergency neutering.

♪ ♪ Man, I can't get over how old-timey everything in this car is.

I know.

Check out what's on the radio.

NEWSMAN: President Kennedy has been sh*t.

NEWSMAN : The Martians are now traveling to New Jersey.

MAN: ♪ Beatles song, Beatles song ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪

Ah, that last one brings back a lot of memories.

Wow, this baby handles like a dream.

Do you guys mind if I drive with my knees while I make some last-minute fantasy football changes?

- Look out!

- (TIRES SCREECHING)

- Oh, my God!

- Holy crap!

Aw, man, Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Thank God all we hit were those trash cans.

Oh, my God.

Oscar!

(GRUNTS)

Tell my ex-wife...

to go (BLEEP)

herself.

Very on-brand.

Right up to the end.

Thank you so much for having Kyle and me over for dinner.

Everything is delicious, Mrs. Griffin.

Well, I wasn't sure what a divorcée eats, so I just assumed fried things.

No, that's perfect.

What about this guy?

Did he help with any of the cooking?

Brian is not allowed to touch communal food because his feet smell like the street.

I like when you measured my feet at the store, Brian's girlfriend.

Well, it...

it was my pleasure, Chris.

I'm not actually sure if my shoes fit right now.

Um, could you do that thing where you push your thumb on my big toe?

Chris, you're within six years of the same age as this kid you've never met and have nothing in common with.

Why don't you go up to your room and have an awkward time together.

Um, okay.

Want to go upstairs and accidentally break one of my toys and I'll hit you?

I guess.

CHRIS: Hey, don't touch that!

- (THUD)

- (SLAP)

Mom!

He blocked my punch and hit me!

I knew they'd get along.

You know, Kyle and I actually have to get going anyway, but thanks so much.

Hey, Holly, before you go, settle an argument between me and my wife.

When measuring yourself, what do you count as the base?

- Peter.

- What?

She measures stuff for a living.

Let me start by saying I am taint inclusive.

All right, I like where this is heading.

Well, thanks again for coming.

Oh, hey, you know, I was thinking we could take Kyle to Bob's Funland on Saturday.

Oh.

Really?

Yeah, I have to go there to buy Adderall anyway, so I thought...

Brian, stop.

I just...

We can't go.

- What?

Why?

- Honestly, I've been thinking...

STEWIE: Uh-oh!

Wh...

W-What are you saying?

Well, Brian, I'm still young.

STEWIE: Oh, she's saying you're not.

And the truth is I'd like to date other people.

STEWIE (CHUCKLES): Oh, nail, meet coffin.

In fact, my old boyfriend is single again, and he happens to be a very selfless lover.

STEWIE: Dude, I told you.

But i-if we break up, does that mean I won't get to see Kyle, either?

I guess not.

I'm sorry, Brian.

♪ ♪ Touch my feet!

- Touch my feet!

- Aah!

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

- Oh.

Hey, Stewie.

- Hey...

you.

- Feeling down?

- Yeah.

Ah, don't worry about Holly.

"There are other fish in the sea" is what is usually said at a time like this.

- That's the thing.

It's not even Holly.

- Ugh.

There's more?

I mean, the person I actually miss hanging out with is Kyle.

We'd formed a real connection, and I sort of liked being a father figure to him.

That's...

that's nice, Brian.

Kyle and I had actual fun together.

I mean, most kids suck.

They just want to sit around and play Candy Land.

- Yeah.

Hell of a game.

- No, it's not.

Candy Land is terrible.

There's not even any skill to it.

Uh, okay.

Um, you know what, Brian?

You're hurt right now, and you're-you're saying things that you don't mean.

But listen, if you miss Kyle that much,

- you should go find him.

- Thanks.

Maybe I will.

Just hope he doesn't want to play some stupid game like Go Fish.

Go Fish is a thinking man's game of inquiry and consequence.

You know what?

You know, I-I don't...

I don't have to explain myself to you.

Go-go on.

Go find your kid.

Damn it, what the hell are we gonna do?

- Joe's gonna be furious.

- Relax, Quagmire.

From what I know about car accidents, you can total your car, completely walk away from it and still be Caitlyn Jenner.

Besides, I'm pretty sure I can pound this out.

What the hell are you doing?

- Crap, Joe's gonna k*ll us.

- Quagmire's right.

Remember how upset he got when they canceled Psych?

(CRYING)

Now who's gonna expose charlatans by pretending to be psychic in the greater Santa Barbara area?

Oh, my God.

What?

What is this?

Is this Ferris Bueller?

Yeah, it's Ferris Bueller.

Hundred percent on Ferris Bueller.

Well, I'm glad we got that settled.

It's Fast Times at Ridgemont High, you idiot!

Joe, we all watched it a week ago.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I enjoy movies while I'm watching them, but the second they're over, I can't remember a thing.

Except Forrest Gump.

(IMITATING FORREST GUMP): "Try one of my candies.

It'll tell you about life."

(CHUCKLES)

I can't forget that beauty.

But what happened to my car?!

We're really sorry, Joe.

We took it without asking and wrecked it.

I like When Harry Met Sally... "I'll have the food what made that lady came." You guys ruined my uncle's car.

We're so sorry, Joe.

- It's okay.

I'm not mad.

- You're not?

No.

In fact, uh, all I feel is relief.

Caring for a car like that requires round the clock effort.

Do you know how much of a pain in the ass that is?

BONNIE: Yes!

I mean, cars are meant to be driven, not kept in a garage.

But it's too late now.

I mean, look at it.

I couldn't drive this car even if I wanted to.

I'm not so sure about that.

♪ ♪ I'm doing it!

I'm doing it!

This is awesome!

I'm really d...

Oh, stop sign, Quagmire, stop sign!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Joe's legs are, um...

colder than I expected.

No blood.

(CHEERING)

Brian, you made it!

- Hey, buddy.

- What are you doing here?

Holly, I was a terrible dad with my own son, but I feel like I've made a true connection with Kyle.

Whoa, did you earn a ribbon?

No, it's a bookmark with a Bible verse on it.

The priest was giving them out.

Oh.

Weird.

Well, how'd our car do?

Second to last.

But I don't care.

I had so much fun making it with you.

Me too, Kyle.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Okay, thanks for a great event, everyone, but we need to clear out.

There's a sex offender meeting in ten minutes, and we can't have any overlap.

Thank you, Brian.

It was sweet of you to come.

Aw.

Say, Brian, what are you doing Saturday night?

Hi.

I'm almost ready.

Great.

How you doing, champ?

(KNOCKING)

Okay, Cliff and I should be back by midnight.

I left money for you two to order a pizza.

Sounds perfect.

All right, Kyle, what do you say you and me watch some Stranger Things?

MORGAN FREEMAN: Brian made Kyle bread and butter, and kept the pizza money.

Ich bin froh, dass alles wieder normal ist.

Tut Mir leid wegen deinem Auto, Joe.

Es ist in Ordnung.

Wo ist nun Jerome mit den wiener?

(GIGGLES) Wiener.

Guten nacht, Von das Disney Corporation.