20x04 - 80's Guy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Guy". Aired January 1999 - current.*
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"Family Guy" revolves around the adventures of the dysfunctional Griffin family striving to cope with everyday life in the fictional city of Quahog, Rhode Island, as they are thrown from one crazy scenario to another.
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20x04 - 80's Guy

Post by bunniefuu »

It seems today that all you see

Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values


On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do


All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Welcome to tumbling class.

Moms, please enjoy,

while dads grumble
about how much the class costs.

bucks for a mat and a room.

Now let's all gather 'round

because Stewie is gonna do a somersault.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS) Nailed it.

Well, that's basically fine,
and I don't honestly care,

so unless there's an unexpected
appearance from a rival baby...

Perhaps I could take a sh*t.

- (GASPS)
- It's Doug!

That's Stewie's rival.

What are you doing here, Doug?

Eh, thought I'd give
this tumbling thing a try.

So what do I do, just fall down

like literally anyone affected
by gravity?

Um, there's a bit more to it than that.

One can't just show up
and hope to execute,

say, a perfect somers...

Oh, oh, he's very good!

(CHEERING)

Hmm. Something like that?

- Wow!
- Now that's tumbling!

Boys can be good at this till
nine, then the whispers start.

Calm down, it wasn't that great.

Stewie, give Doug
your shirt and overalls.

He's my son now.

ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Christopher Nolan's
Tenet.

I'm already completely lost.

Dad, can I ask you
something about girls?

Are you wearing a wire?

There's a girl in my class
I have a crush on,

and I can't get her to notice me.

Ah, now I understand.

Lucky for you,
there's a bunch of old movies

on this very subject.

Here. Sixteen Candles.

Can't Buy Me Love, Say Anything...

all on very inconvenient VHS.

VHS? What do those letters stand for?

That information has been lost
to history.

Anyway, Chris, just watch these movies

and do what
the -year-old teenagers do.

I guess I could try.

After all, they tried to
do Superman in Boston once.

I've noticed that you're never
around when Superman's here.

Are... are you Superman?

What is ya, wacked in the head?

I'm Clahk. Plain ol' Clahk.

Okay, back to our Boston newspaper job.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Spotlight.

What?!

(GASPING, MURMURING)

Show-and-tell time.

Finally a chance to reclaim my honor

after that whole tumbling fiasco.

Next up for show-and-tell: Stewie.

Hello, everyone.

This is a weird seashell

that kind of looks like female genitalia

that my dad likes.

Lois, where's my she shell?

Oh, Stewie took it to show-and-tell.

Well, I hope no one puts it
to their ear.

Incredible, right?

(YAWNS)

Thank you, Stewie.

And, so you know, many
middle-aged women have seashells

in their powder rooms.

Okay, next up is Doug.

Hello, g*ng,

and have I got
some show-and-tell for you.

This is a ticket stub from a PG movie

that I got to see in the theater...

alone.

KIDS: Wow!

Also, I've been on a Disney cruise.

Hey, who's this
in the picture with Moana?

(CHUCKLES): Oh, me? Huh.

- KID: No way!
- KID : Moana is famously agoraphobic.

Yes, but she's managing it day by day,

thanks to CBD oil.

This cruise was a big step for her.

Okay, I think we can all agree that

these are very lame show-and-tell...

And finally, a piece of candy
from the London airport.

(GASPS) Aw, a Lion Bar?

I'm sorry, did I say "a piece of candy"?

More like British candy
for the whole class!

Drumstick Squashies
and rose-flavored wine gums

- for everyone!
- (CHEERING)

Hello, Show-and-Tell National
Championships

in DeKalb, Illinois,
I have a nominee for you.

Dammit. I'm sick of
being one-upped by Doug.

Hurts.

It hurts worse than a trip
to the barber shop.

(SCREAMING)

This is what babies think
happens at haircuts!

(KNOCKING)

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Burbeck.

Do you have a daughter named Jennifer,

who is currently smeared
across Highway ?

- Joe, it's us.
- Oh, sorry. That's my next stop.

Peter, your son was lurking
outside a classmate's window

with this boom box,
playing Peter Gabriel.

He's being charged with felony stalking.

I also tried to use science
to make a sex sl*ve

from a magazine photo.

Oh, this is horrifying!

- Actually, it's the ' s.
- What?

Well, it appears that
someone has exposed your son

to the very problematic
teen films of the s.

Peter, tell me it wasn't you.

Honestly, Lois, I have no idea.

My brain can't even
think thoughts no more

- 'cause of the Internet.
- Ugh, that's it.

From now on, you are an outside Peter.

Go on! Get!

(KISSING NOISES) Outside!

(GRUNTS)

Go to your Peter house.
Go to your Peter house!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

God, look at Doug over there,

throwing a Frisbee
with the kindergarteners

and a shorter-than-average first-grader.

- Thinks he's so cool.
- Yup.

There must be some way
I can finally one-up that guy,

and you're clearly looking
for cat turds right now.

Yup. Y... Huh? Wait, uh, wait.

- (SNIFFS) Aw, gum.
- Help me out, man.

I need something to win back
everyone's attention.

Wait, I know!

What if I flip my eyelids inside out?

Show everyone what a freak I am.

Huh? I could carve this out.

Right? This could be my thing.

I don't think so, Stewie.

All right, well what if I just,
like, do Doug's mom?

Uh... Y... I-I mean, yeah, yeah, that...

I mean, that would...
that would pretty much do it.

Awesome! How do you dial a phone
or have sex?

Or stand up without using your hands?

Let me tell you something, Brian...

(WIND WHISTLES)

Oh, no!

You said it,
relatively-short-first-grader.

That Frisbee is way up there.

I'm too scared to climb up that high.

Me, too, average-height-kindergartener.

That jungle gym dates back to the s,

when the lives of children
were expendable.

Someone would have to be crazy
to climb up there.

STEWIE: I'll do it.

What?

I'll climb up there
and get that Frisbee.

Doug may be afraid, but I'm not.

Just give me a day
to get prepared and gear up,

and at sunrise tomorrow,
I will climb up there

and retrieve that Frisbee.

Or we can ask Spider-Man to do it.

He came to my birthday party.
I know him.

That wasn't the real Spider-Man.
That was your dad.

We could see his hernia popping
through the suit.

Hey, Tyler!

Heard Spider-Man had a pretty
good time at your party.

Don't mind me, Brian.
Just pushing the edge.

Hmm.

zippers, if you must know,

but it's not about my pants, Brian.

It's about my fearlessness and pants.

Now, I need to plan out

every last inch of my climb tomorrow.

If I do this right,
I'm gonna be remembered forever,

like / was for a few years.

You're just climbing a jungle gym.

- It's not a big deal.
- Not a big deal?

I pull this off, I go down in history!

Like my ancestor: The Guy Who
Was Hanged Next to Nathan Hale.

I regret that I have but
one life to give for my country.

If you k*ll me,
I'm gonna immediately void.

All over here. All over here.

You, historian,
write down both our things.

Hey, Lois, how about we get
a little three-way going?

- You, me and the seashell?
- Oh, forget it, Peter.

After that whole thing
with the ' s movies,

I'm very upset with you.

Well, can you use that anger in the sex?

No, Peter, your ' s nostalgia
isn't funny anymore.

It's tired and worn out,
and borderline dangerous.

I mean, those old references
just don't play

the same in today's world.

What you talkin' 'bout, Lois?

This! This is exactly
what I'm talking about!

When are you gonna let the ' s go?

Never! The ' s will always be
the best decade.

And I'm confident

that non-whites and women
would agree with that.

Everyone else, too.
And I'm gonna prove it.

Family! Come here
conveniently fast, please!

- What is it, Peter?
- I have decided to prove to you all

that the ' s are still
relevant and hilarious.

But they're not.

And in keeping with the wonderful s,

I'm gonna go upstairs
and drill a hole in the wall

to watch girls shower.

Peter, in addition to
that being wildly problematic,

you can't just drill a hole
in a structural wall.

Do you even know how to do that?

Okay, that's one drywall bit,
one masonry bit,

one spur point bit, one tile bit,

one drill with a hammer action setting,

one wire detector, one stud finder,

and one grease pencil.

Sounds like someone's drilling
a hole in the wall

to watch girls shower.

- Oh, big time.
- Did you pull a permit?

City hall's next.

BOTH: Nice!

I'm all right

Nobody worry about me.

(SPLATTERING)

Oh, my God! What did you do?

He was supposed to get away.

It was gonna be harmless ' s fun.

You k*lled the gopher!

- He's all right?
- No! He's not all right!

We're all gonna get laid?

Dammit, Peter!

Stop saying blandly upbeat
things from the movie!

This has to stop!

(SIGHS) You're right.

Man, and I was so sure
that stuff from the ' s

would still play the same today.

I guess people are
only interested in that

for seasons.

Hi, I'm Kenny Loggins,

and I'm still very interested
in ' s references.

Every time Family Guy plays
one of my songs,

I get a new hot tub
for my Colorado deck.

I'm all right

Nobody worry about me.

All right, you guys ready
to watch some history be made

by Stewie Griffin?

DOUG: And guest?

What the...? , , ...

zippers! You've got to be
(BLEEP) kidding me!

What do you say, Stewie?

A friendly race to the top
in front of all these kids,

plus the red-haired girl
from the Charlie Brown cartoons?

Aw. I care about her opinion
most of all!

You don't care about me.

You just wanted to wear
my ballerina skirt.

I especially love her sense of humor

and inventive storytelling.

Okay, you're on.
First to the Frisbee wins.

You realize, Doug,
we might die up there today.

Then I'll see you in heck.



(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Okay, toughest part of
the climb: Dried Booger Ridge.

(STRAINING)



(GASPS) The Frisbee!



Yes! I win!

I'm going all the way

Sooner or later gotta love somebody.

Wha...?

(GRUNTING)

Oh, no! Help! Help!

Help me!

What? We can't hear you!

Our voices are very faint
because we are so distant!

Distant from you, he means!

We're not distant from each other!

We're standing relatively
close together!

You probably were already
able to infer that,

and Connor just wasted everyone's time!

My God. I...

I'm stuck up here.

Better use my emergency flare.

We've got a flare.

I'm still stuck,
but now I have confidence.

(STRAINING)

My foot is still stuck,

and it's really starting to hurt.

And I know you're going to be
insufferable about this.

Stewie, come on.

Right now your safety is what matters.

And you've got an owie
in need of attention.

I'm gonna have to radio basecamp
for help on my Elmo phone.

ELMO: Elmo love you so much!

Basecamp. Come in, basecamp.

Elmo your friend.

Elmo, we've got a man down.

I need you to connect me
with search and rescue.

Please don't believe rumors about Elmo.

(DISTORTED): Just to be safe,
Elmo play with you at least yards


- from school or public park...
- I'm having trouble hearing you, Elmo.


- (STATIC NOISE)
- Are you there?

Elmo? Elmo?

Hello? Dammit, I've lost basecamp.

Must be interference
from that big storm coming.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Too dangerous
to risk going for help now.

I think we're gonna have
to wait it out, Stewie.

Just you and me, and the homeless people

who live and copulate in
the playground among children.

Yes, we as a society have
clearly just decided

we're gonna roll with that.

(PETER SNIFFS)

Peter, what are you doing?

Well, you know how you told me
to give up the ' s

and find a whole different
decade to be into?

- No, that's not what I...
- Well, I'm doin' the s!

Not 'cause of legal cocaine but
mostly 'cause of legal cocaine.

(SNIFFS)

Time to design a very stupid
flying contraption.

- (PLANE RATTLING)
- Cocaine plane!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Um, why is Dad dressed like that now?

Oh, Lord, Peter, did you switch
to the s for silent movies?

(OLD-TIMEY MUSIC PLAYS)



(GROANS) Enough of this!

Oh, you are so damned exhausting, Peter!

Just 'cause you stop being crazy
about one decade

doesn't mean you have to be
crazy about another!

How about you just be a normal
human being for once?!

Huh? Just be a...
Be a husband to your wife!

Be a father to your children!

You're right, Lois.

No matter how hard I try,

I'll never find a decade
as good as the ' s,

like you just said just now.

No, again, that's not at all what I...

I need to be alone.

If anyone calls, I'll be in the ' s

doing the might-as-well-be-legal
cocaine.

ANNOUNCER: Cocaine:
the winner of the w*r on dr*gs.


Thank you for taking care of me, Doug.

Look, Stewie, I want to apologize.

You do? For what?

For always showing you up
and just being a jerk.

I think I'm just intimidated
by your brilliance.

Plus, it's so great
you've only got nine hairs.

It probably takes you three seconds
to get ready in the morning.

Me, I've got this whole head of hair.

That's not quite as nice
as you meant for it to sound,

but since we're confessing
our insecurities...

I'm not exactly the, um, I don't know,

"slick cucumber" everyone thinks I am.

- "Slick cucumber"?
- I mean, sure,

maybe on the outside,
but I can only wish I had

- that slick cucumber deep inside...
- I'm getting lost, here, Stewie.

Like, sometimes I mention having

a supermodel girlfriend in Norway.

Well I... I'm gonna be honest, um,

she's not a supermodel.

She's basically mid-level, at best.

Like, she's kind of a pocket
client at some agencies,

but it's so political
over there in Sweden.

Thought you said Norway.

Meanwhile, you're this cool kid
on the block.

You're all confident. You can snap.

You mean this?

Yeah, that's like
bloody witchcraft to me.

Anyway, deep down, I...

I-I've always wanted your approval.

But now, tonight,

you've given me something
much more valuable:

your friendship.

- Here. You can have it.
- What?

I don't need the Frisbee anymore.

Take it, friend.



I won, everyone! I won!

Other kids, Stewie lost,

and he deserves our ridicule!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!

DOUG: And there was
a weird cucumber thing!

That son of a bitch.

Come back here! (GRUNTING)

Oh, you can do it, Stewie, for sure.

Free your foot, and together
we will bump wieners.

But it's stuck, Norwegian
Mid-Level Model Girlfriend.

Oh, just untie your shoe, is how.

Oh! Duh!

Stewie, when will you free me

from this thought bubble hell?

Not for a while.

I may need you if I run for office.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

- Stewie!
- You were manipulating me.

You were only being nice
to get the Frisbee!

Sorry, Stewie, but all's fair
in love and jungle gyms.

(GRUNTING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Ha!

- Wh-Wh-Whoa! (SCREAMS)
- Doug!

(SCREAMING)

Please hang on, Stewie!

I've got this, my friend.

This is when that slick cucumber
deep inside of me comes out.

- Oh... okay.
- (PHONE RINGING)

You're gonna hate me,
but I really need to take this.

Don't you dare!

But it might be Bruce Lee

finally calling to admit
that I'm the best at kung fu!

- (LINE RINGING)
- This is your one chance, Stewie.

I will not call you a second time.



Who am I if I can't reference the ' s?

If I can't live in the past,
there's no future for me.

Boy, who knew
when you stop doing cocaine,

- you get depressed?
- MAN: Peter.

(GASPS) The ghost of ' s
film director John Hughes?

Yes, Peter. I've come
to tell you that Lois is right.

You need to let the ' s go.

But... I don't understand.

Listen, when we were making art
in the s,

we were just having fun
and trying new things.

Stop recreating the ' s, Peter.

They're gone.

Get out there and make your own ' s.

Today.



After all, life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop
and look around once in a while,

- you could miss it.
- Ah! Like the movie!

I have to go, Peter.

- Goodbye.
- Wait! Wait!

You want to know my favorite thing
from any of your movies ever?

- Was it the giant pancake?
- Yes, the giant pancake!

In heaven, are the pancakes big

like they are in Uncle Buck?

I wouldn't know, Peter.

I'm currently frying in hell.

What?! But-but you were pretty good.

You have to be very good!

Doug, I can't hold on much longer.

(GRUNTING)

It's been an honor, friend.

(BOTH CRY OUT)

Oh. W-We weren't...
we weren't very high up there.

No, I guess it just seemed higher to us,

because of perspective
and what-have-you.

At any rate... Hey, g*ng? g*ng!

Here's your Frisbee.

Stewie and I got it...

- together.
- Yes. Together.

We're different kids from before,

so that means nothing to us.

- We had quite the adventure.
- Yes, we did.

And at the end of it all, I, uh...

I hope we've come to see each other

through slightly different eyes.

We certainly have.

Hey, who knows?

Maybe someday they'll make
a movie about us.

ANNOUNCER: This summer,
don't miss
Jungle Gym Mountain,

starring Chris Pine as Doug...

- What?
- ...and Paul Giamatti as Stewie.

Come on!

Help. I crapped my pants,

and I'm afraid of heights.

I'm out of here.

And Chris Hemsworth
as Thought Bubble Girlfriend.


I'll give it a sh*t.
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