20x09 - The Fatman Always Rings Twice

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

PETER: I thought I'd seen it all.

But that's the thing about Quahog.

You never know what's hiding
under the hard shell of a clam.

The Great Depression hit the town hard.

FDR announced we had nothing
to fear but fear itself.

ROOSEVELT (OVER RADIO):
The only thing we have to fear

is fear itself.

And, also, bees.

Or when a man has a beard
and then shaves it.

'Cause I don't
recognize him immediately.

If I watched him shave it,
it would be different.

If I saw the process.

And there's this guy h*tler we
should probably keep an eye on.

But mostly bees.

PETER: It was also
the height of Prohibition.

Water or seltzer, anyone?

PETER: Which of course meant
drinking was very cool,

and everyone did it all the time.

And of course, there was racism.

A lot of it. It was horrible.

Except for the laundromat,
which served everyone.

Thanks for doing my undergarments.

PETER: They were really nice.

So, who am I?

The name's Mac. Mac Bookpro.

And I'm a private d*ck.

(UNZIPS)

A very private d*ck.

And don't listen.

("LOVE THEME FROM CHINATOWN" PLAYING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(HORNS HONKING)

PETER: My office was in
the Cocaine-Cola building.

All the businessmen there
had ideas for other businesses.

Well, Mac, what did you find out?

Now hold on, it's : a.m.
and we're two men in a room.

Let me fix you a drink.

So, I tailed your wife.

Sorry, pal, she's having an affair.

Ah, too bad.

I guess she's the maple,
but I'm the sap.

There you go. You're gonna be okay.

But it's : a.m., and you're
a man about to get in a car.

Let me fix you another drink.

Thanks, Mac. I owe you one.

Mr. Bookpro?

Yes, Ms. Patbottom?

(LAUGHS): Oh, Mr. Bookpro.

PETER: My secretary, Fanny Patbottom.

She's my gal Thursday.

She has choir practice Fridays.

She's, uh, not available to me then.

Now, a couple of items of business.

First, we're going to have to postpone

today's tangling of the Venetian blinds.

I think we're gonna have
to start sending the schedule

the night before.

Also, there's a woman here to see you.

LOIS: May I come in, Mr. Bookpro?

♪ ♪

PETER: I'll never forget the
day she walked through my door.

Ah, damn it. And this was
the smallest brim they had.

(GRUNTS)

The name's Hedy. Hedy Toothgraze.

PETER: She was the type of
girl who really left a mark on you.

Please, have a seat.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

I'm afraid I do.

Totally understand.

So, we're two people in a room
at : a.m.

Let me fix you a drink.

So, Mr. Bookpro, I'm here
because my daughter is missing.

She's a nun.

Frankly, we weren't that close.

I gave her to the Church after
my husband d*ed in the w*r.

So, will you take the case?

PETER: I wasn't sure I could trust her,
but I needed the dough.

My rent was two bucks a month

and I still owed cents on my car.

Since the missing gal was a nun,

I decided to start at the Church.

Greetings, my son.

Cardinal St. Louis, likely bad guy.

Mac Bookpro.

Sorry to bother you about a case, Padre.

Do you want to talk here,
or should I come inside your rectory?

Okay, Groucho, calm down.

I'm here looking for a nun.
Recognize her?

Of course, that's Sister Megan.

- She runs the church orphanage.
- And how about this photo?

I don't know.

Any dunking photo
where you don't see the ground

- is very suspicious.
- I see.

So, when was the last time
you saw the sister?

In the church garden,
wearing giant nun boots

and trying to step on squirrels.

Yeah, that checks out.

If you think of anything,
here's my card.

"To my beloved niece."

Aw, and he wrote his own note

instead of just signing his name.

I like that guy now. He cares.

Hey, Mac.

Well, if it isn't my old pal Red Wiener?

Red was the best
newspaper guy out there.

Except when the newspaper was rolled up,

then he was kind of scared.

So, what's got you sniffing
around here today, Fido?

Same as you, pal. Sister Megan.

I heard you talking to the cardinal.

Well, get this:
she called me a few days ago

and said she had a big story.

We were supposed to meet at a speakeasy,

but she disappeared
before we could get together.

A nun at a speakeasy?
That doesn't figure.

Maybe we should check it out.

You got it.

Say, can we go to the next scene
with one of those

cinematic sideways wipes
they used to do in the ' s?

I don't know, I did
a sideways wipe this morning.

I don't recommend it.

Not a good way to make friends
on the trolley.

CLEVELAND: What's the word?

- Bird.
- Bird is the word.

Welcome to The Sunken Clam.

What can I get you fellas?

Two this-period fashioneds, please.

We're looking for a girl
who was supposed to show here.

You ever seen her?

CLEVELAND: Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell.

Well, no one has any idea
what happened to her.

Not even her boss, the cardinal.

The cardinal? Let me tell you,
that priest is a shady cat.

I heard that when the state
voted on Prohibition,

he rigged the vote
to get alcohol banned.

I tell you, something's
going on at that church,

and I'm not gonna rest
until I get to the bottom of it.

Yeah, I'm with you, pal.

Two more Black girls
recently went missing.

Maybe you can look into that, too?

- Boy, you know, I am just so busy...
- Yeah, I am absolutely swamped.

- ...with this Sister Megan thing.
- Just buried in paperwork.

PETER: With the case heating up,

I decided to visit my friend
down at the station.

I hadn't been back since
they kicked me off the force.

For years they'd been letting
horses poop on the street.

But I do it one time and I'm out.

But I still had one friend there.

My old buddy Ace.

Ace Hardware.

So, Mac, what brings you here?

- Looking for a girl.
- A girl, huh?

Yeah. You know, a skirt,
a bird, a twist, a roundheel.

I spent most of my time at
the library looking up synonyms.

She's a nun. Sister Megan.

I think the cardinal had something to do

- with her disappearance.
- Oh, the cardinal?

I'd be careful if I were you.

He's a heavy hitter in this town.

A big cheese, a head honcho,
a real butter and egg man.

I also spent most of my time
at the library

looking up synonyms.

If I were you,
I'd wheel away from this one.

Wheel far, far away.

PETER: The cops and the
cardinal were both dead ends.

I was starting to wonder whether
the sister was even missing.

And then, a couple of friends pulled up.

They cornered me in Kirstie Alley,

the widest alley in Quahog.

Hey, Mac. Fancy meeting you here.

Well, if it isn't Bogey and Bacaw.

Oof.

I hear you've been snooping around

the disappearance of a nun.

Well, I didn't mean to ruffle
anyone's feathers.

Oof again.

You used to be smarter than this, Mac.

Before you got kicked off the force,

you knew how to play ball.

But now, here we are.

PETER: Luckily,
they let me go with a warning.

My shadow wasn't so lucky.

My cop friend told me
to stay away from the case,

and I was starting
to think he was right.

But then I got the call
I'd been dreading.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?

American Dad's been picked up
for three more seasons?

God, when do I get a weekend?

(PHONE RINGING)

Then I got another call.

They found Sister Megan.

(g*nsh*t)

Well, one thing's for sure.

We've got a k*ller shark on our hands.

Close the beaches.

♪ ♪

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(GASPS) I can't believe
my daughter's dead.

Doctor, are there any leads
from the body?

Anything that can tell us who did this?

Well, not yet, but I've sent
some DNA samples to the lab.

- When will we get the results?
- About years.

- Nuts.
- I did find one thing, though.

There was a roll of camera film
hidden in her waistband.

- Thanks, Doc. Maybe it's a clue.
- No problem, Mac.

But there is one more thing.

Uh...

Uhp. Nope, no. I lost it.

Oh, dear. What am I gonna do?

My daughter's dead, and I'm single.

Who wants a woman without a child?

I think you got that backwards.

Listen, it's been a long couple of days.

What do you say I take you out tonight?

We'll go to the Supper Club.

Mr. Bookpro, what kind
of a private d*ck are you?

The kind that was a public one

until he got arrested in the park.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Say, I noticed you've
only had three Scotches

and five cigarettes.

- Something wrong?
- I don't know.

I still can't believe you drove
us here in a fudge Packard.

Stop calling it that.
It's just a dark brown car.

So, you got a light?

I got a lot of lights,
but nowhere to plug them in.

Maybe I could help with that.

You help me? I'm gonna bust out crying.

Hope you got a hanky.

I'll bring the hanky,
you bring the panky.

You're awfully quick
with the wit, Mr. Bookpro.

- I hear you're quick with the feet.
- You could say that.

I was the lead dancer in The Nutcracker.

Huh. Must be a ballet about my ex-wife.

(LAUGHTER)

Divorce was new, and I was the first guy

to make that joke.

Good morning, Mr. Bookpro.

So, I'm turning tomorrow,
and my parents are throwing me

a Miserable Spinster party.

- Care to attend?
- No, thanks, Ms. Patbottom.

Me and my vaudeville group have a show,

but if you maybe want to stop by...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Say "cream cheese."

PETER: We hadn't realized
that just "cheese" would work.

Hey, Mac, I developed that film
you found on the girl.

What? It's the cardinal with mobsters.

How do you know they're mobsters?

What other Italians
can afford Italian suits?

I wonder why a cardinal
would meet with the mob.

Well, maybe they were in cahoots,

Sister Megan discovered it,

and that's why the cardinal
had her k*lled?

Good thinking, Ms. Patbottom.
Let me give you a raise.

Oh, Mr. Bookpro,
I don't know what to say.

Hey, Mac, there's a couple more photos.

Including the cardinal with some broad.

What the rumpus? That's Hedy.

I wonder what her connection
is to the cardinal?

Why don't you just call and ask?

No way. We just went out,

which means I got to wait
three days, at least.

The cardinal was definitely up
to something fishy,

and I needed to find out what.

Luckily, I knew just the guy to see.

Not so fast, Carol.

Carol is a very acceptable
man's name for this time period.

That's a very defensive response
for something I didn't bring up.

Everyone knows
you're dumb muscle for the mob.

Tell me what you know
about the cardinal.

Sorry, pal. I ain't talking.

I'll give you a peacoat
to wear at the docks.

- Collar up?
- It's a peacoat, isn't it?

Will the buttons have anchors?

You want anchor buttons, start spilling.

What's the connection between
the mob and the cardinal?

The mob works with the cardinal

'cause he's the biggest
bootlegger in town.

He sneaks in booze from Italy
aboard Church ships.

And because the contents
are supposed to be religious,

no one checks.

What? But the cardinal's
against alcohol.

He even rigged the vote
to get it banned.

Wake up. He didn't rig the vote
because he's against drinking.

He did it so he could have
the market all to himself.

It was a ruse, a sham, a snow job.

Pure hokum all the way.

Nothing but pork pie.

I also spent most of my time
looking up synonyms.

PETER: I'd have to figure
out Hedy's involvement later.

But first, it was time to pay
another visit to the cardinal.

Hello, Padre.

Funny I'd find you here
in the church bathroom.

CARTER: This is the confessional.

Well, then, I have something to confess.

(SNIFFS) Ugh, mother of mercy.

How much mutton do you eat?

Hey, you're supposed to be forgiving.
This is a safe space.

And anyway, Father, you're the one

who's gonna do the confessing today.

For the m*rder of Sister Megan.

- Oof.
- The truth hurts,

doesn't it, Cardinal?

(THUDDING)

(GASPS)

What the rumpus?

- Freeze.
- Ace, thank God.

Somebody just stabbed the cardinal,
and ran out the back door.

And they stole all
the cardinal's Andes candies

and put them in my pocket.

Nice try, Mac.

We got an anonymous tip

that a heavyset man entered
the church with a Kn*fe.

And funny thing, we got
that tip right after getting

the ballistics report
on Sister Megan's m*rder.

She was k*lled with your g*n.

What? You don't think...

Sorry. I have to take you downtown.

(GASPS) Dinner and a show?

No, Mac. Cuff him.

Come on, Ace. You can't
send me to the hoosegow,

the big house,
the graybar saloon, the stir.

And take his thesaurus.

What? I need that. It's important.

Just, you know, very, very,
very, very important.

♪ ♪

Hey, Mac, you made bail.

Really? Who in this town
has three dollars?

Listen here, Mac.
I know you were framed.

And I want you to figure out who did it

so I can write the story.

Yeah, it'll be front-page news.

Well, not-not front-page.

A giant gorilla in Manhattan
just escaped its restraints

- and kidnapped a lady.
- Oh, my stars.

But either way, you'll get your story.

I've got a pretty good idea
who set me up.

(WHISTLES) Taxi.

Where to?

PETER: His whole face
had been blown off in the w*r.

Probably left it somewhere
in the French countryside.

Hey, guys?

Did you go home?

Did we win, at least?

(GRUNTING)

PETER: Going somewhere, angel?

Mac? Wh... I-I thought you were in jail.

Yeah, for the m*rder you committed.

- (GASPS)
- Admit it, you never had a daughter.

You were bootlegging with the cardinal.

You k*lled the woman who found you out

and then you k*lled the cardinal

so you could have
all the dough to yourself.

And you decided to frame me for it

while also making me feel very bad

about my erectile dysfunction.

Well, you did call yourself
"The Big Mac."

But look, I didn't k*ll anyone.

Everything I told you was on the level.

Sister Megan is my daughter,
and I hired you

because someone slipped
your card under my door.

Well, princess, if you're so innocent,

why you skipping town?

Because after everything that happened,

I'm scared for my life.

And I wanted to go somewhere safe,

like s Poland or Belgium.

Or the Sudetenland.

You really think you can
pull the wool over my eyes, huh?

Then explain this.

It's about the pointlessness
of individual lives

within the relentless march of time.

Oh. And now, explain this.

A photo of you
and your business partner,

the cardinal.

He's not my business partner.

The father is my father.

What?

I'm sorry I never told you.

We had to keep it a secret
due to his position.

But that's why when I needed
to give up my own child,

I gave her to the Church.

Save it for the cops, doll.

You can't ballet-dance
your way out of this one.

Wait, you had Charleston Chews?

When we hung out, you said
you had, like, no snacks.

Huh. I guess this is the sister
with her orphans.

What the rumpus?

Why does this one orphan
have a football-shaped head?

STEWIE: Well, well, Detective.

I guess you made my party after all.

Ms. Patbottom?

My name's not Patbottom.

It's Marion Lynn Flowers.

Which is a very typical man's
name for this time period.

Like Carol.

You see, Detective,
I'm not the man, or woman,

you think I am.

My parents were very poor.

I was born in a halfway house.

My room was on the unfinished side.

Ultimately, I wound up
in the church orphanage.

The nuns were quite cruel,
especially Sister Megan.

One morning, I was hungry,
so I asked for more.

More?!

STEWIE: It was, like, a huge deal.

And the cardinal turned
a blind eye to my mistreatment.

All he cared about was
his bootlegging operation.

So, I called that canine journalist

pretending to be Sister Megan,
then I k*lled her

with Mac's g*n.

I slipped Mac's card under Hedy's door

and I planted a roll
of film on the sister

to lead Mac not only to the cardinal

but also to his new lover.

Fine, you didn't like
Sister Megan and the cardinal.

Why me, though? Why do
all that stuff just to frame me?

Because, Detective, your sin
was the greatest of all.

The only way I could stomach...

- Do it with pictures.
- Oh, sorry.

The only way I could
stomach life in the orphanage

was by holding on to a dream:
a dream of being a dancer.

For years I trained, and one day,

I finally got my big audition
at the Quahog Ballet.

♪ ♪

I was the best dancer in town,
and I knew it.

But then, tragedy struck.

I slipped and fell,

because someone
had pooped in the street.

(SNIFFS) What the literal deuce?

I'd broken my leg.

After all that training, I would
never be in The Nutcracker.

(GASPS) And I got the part.

Yes, the part meant for me.

Everything went according
to plan except for one detail.

I only came here to k*ll her.

How did you know she'd be here?

Funny thing about that.

I got a friend at the harbor
who owed me one.

- Thanks, pal.
- Anytime, Mac.

Oh, Mac, you saved us.

Yeah. Your daughter is still dead,

but you get to continue to outlive her,

which is every mom's dream.

Oh, just shut up and kiss me.

You got it, sweetheart.

Mmm.

PETER: It was the start
of a beautiful romance.

Soon, we'd be engaged,
and we invited all our friends

to the wedding in Hawaii.

"Please join Mac and Hedy in
Hawaii on December th, ,

"a date that will live in intimacy.

And on Friday, please join us for..."

It's a whole weekend?

(STEWIE GRUNTING)

Sorry for not believing you, Mac.

But thanks to you, the real
m*rder*r is behind bars.

And the Greater Boston area
has seen its last bad priest.

So, what's gonna happen to Marion?

Well, he's a lunatic m*rder*r
who cross-dresses in the ' s.

My guess is he can
look forward to a life

of loony bin craft projects
and staring out at the sea.

You think that place can hold me?

You're dead, copper. You're all dead.

But all that's after the castration

and full frontal lobotomy.

Wait, what?

PETER: One week later,
they took his balls and brains.

I'm Mac Bookpro, and I can
skip a rock six times.

That wasn't a good rock.

♪ ♪