17x20 - Regarding Margie

(SINGING) The Simpsons

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(HORN BELLOWING)

(BEEPING)

(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(SPRAYING)

Are you sure we can make money doing this?

What if nobody wants their address painted on the curb?

Duh! Nobody wants their address painted on the curb.

We do it without asking, and then they have to pay.

What are you punks doin?

(COCKS GUN)

Answer me, or I'll drop ya like a bad cell phone plan!

Sorry. This thing goes off on its own.

Anyway, you were sayin"?

Ignore that.

We painted your address on the curb.

And since you didn't tell us not to, you owe us 10 bucks.

Wow. A number on the curb?

That really classes the joint up.

Yep, things are finally going my way.

I struck oil! I struck oil!

(VOCALIZING)

I struck oil!

(LAUGHING)

Uh, when do we tell him that's not oil?

Ah, let him have his fun.

Oil! Oil!

Only $10 to paint my curb like a common whore?

Well, I'm happy to pay for a three-digit spray.

Tell you what. I'll give you another $100 if you paint my garage.

Wait a minute. That's not a scam!

That's honest work for honest pay!

(All) No!

I'll throw in some Christian comic books!

Please! Somebody take them!

Screw you. I'm never gonna pay.

Well, then we're gonna leave you one digit short.

(NELSON GRUNTS)

Fine. I'll finish it myself.

And don't think I'm gonna screw it up, because I won't!

(HOMER LAUGHING)

Dad, all you had to do was paint one number.

Now no one’s gonna be able to find our house.

But, sweetie, I just wanted to tell the '74 Oakland A's how I felt about them.

Look, that guy remembers us!

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Hey, Sal Bando, give him a '74 A's "thank you honk."

(HORN HONKS)

My work here is done.

(HUMMING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(GASPS) I'm needed at the door!

I have a delivery for a Scott and Brenda Weingarten, 74 Evergreen Terrace.

74? Oh, sorry. There's been a mistake.

Oh, no problem.

I'll just ship these juicy, mail-order steaks back to Omaha.

Uh, on second thought, I am Brenda Winecooler.

(LAUGHING)

Dad, isn't it wrong to open or eat other people's mail?

Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad things.

Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly.

Now, for once, I'm getting rich-person mail.

You wouldn't take that away from me, would you, son?

Oh, Dad, no one can rationalize like you.

Okay, Weingartens, what else is in your mail?

Oh! Marge, do you wanna go to a wedding of a couple we never met?

Strangers getting married?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Mark and Tracy, I remember the first words I heard you say, "l do."

Your cousin Scott is so sweet.

But didn't you say he was blind?

That's what I heard, but he's so confident in his movements.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(ON TV) This is Kent Brockman in the Springfield Keys, reporting to you from the middle of a hurricane.

The lid from my coffee cup is long gone.

(GROANS)

I'm scared, people. Truly scared.

(CHUCKLING) Take that, liberal media.

Homer! This says I've won Homemaker Magazine's "Clean for a Day" contest! Mmm.

"A highly skilled professional will come to your home and clean it top to bottom while you relax."

But how could I have won?

I don't subscribe to this periodical.

Marge, I don't have to sit here and listen to your insane ravings about me getting other people's mail.

Hi. I'm Brenda Weingarten.

(SCREAMS)

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)

Lisa: Mom, what are you doing?

Cleaning up before the housekeeper comes.

This is a total stranger who cleans houses for a living.

Who cares what she thinks?

Don't be so naive, Lisa.

Those people all talk to each other.

You know what I found in their dirty clothes hamper?

Dirty clothes!

I found a hair in the drain.

Not a fine upstanding head hair, but a curly-wurly!

(All) (CHANTING) Untidy! Untidy! Untidy!

Untidy! Untidy! Untidy! Mmm-mmm.

Now, this is a house that's ready to be cleaned!

(GASPS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(GASPS) That's her! Don't answer it yet!

I don't want that judgmental bitch in my house!

(GASPS) Maple syrup mixed with baby spit-up and shoe scuff?

This is going to take my whole arsenal at once!

(GRUNTING)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Et tu, Zud?

(GASPS) She's opening her eyes!

Oh, my head feels like it was punched by a boxing man.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Two.

Very good.

Now I'll put them back in the jar.

Now I have a question.

Who are you people?

She doesn't recognize us!

(ALL GASP)

You monster! What have you done to my face?

When will Marge remember us?

It's hard to say, with retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life.

You just have to keep jogging her memory till it works.

Aw, jogging?

I didn't say you should be jogging.

Sweet.

Although you should be jogging.

On, jogging?

Marge, I'm gonna take care of you until your amnesia goes scram-nesia.

I got you flowers...

Mmm.

...fluffy pillow, and a nice, relaxing private room.

(SNORING)

Oh, you're sweet.

I'm lucky to have such a kind, uh... Uncle?

I'm your husband!

What?

I am. We're the same age.

But you're so much more ravaged than I am.

(LAUGHING)

I do eat a lot of crap.

I'm Lisa.

I'm eight years old, and this might sound presumptuous, but I'm your favorite.

Oh, you seem sweet, but I could never have a favorite.

Well, talk to me in a week.

Hi. I'm Bart.

I'm 10 years old and a professional motocross jumper.

Can you buy me a motocross bike?

I may have lost my memory, but I'm not an idiot.

(CHUCKLES)

Great news, Marge, we're going home.

Yes, the insurance company said you're as well as they're gonna pay for.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, I can't wait to see what kind of home we live in.

Oh, it's great.

Like somebody barfed a two-story pile of puke.

Why, you little...

(CHOKING)

(GRUNTING)

You strangle your child?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, but he's cool with it.

Right?

(SWALLOWS)

It hurts when I swallow.

Why, you little...

(GRUNTING)

(CHOKING)

Mmm...

Now, the doctor said a tour of the town could help bring back your memory.

I say Bing cherries are the most delicious!

I say maraschino!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Who are those freaks?

(LAUGHING) Those "freaks," as you call them, are some of our closest friends.

Maraschino isn't even a kind of cherry!

It's a way of preserving them!

Sounds like Duffman took the wrong side in this chicken fight.

Oh, yeah!

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Why is that drug addict driving a school bus?

Whoa, I may be wasted, but I still care about the safety of these kids.

Hmm?

Hmm... Hmm...

See that ball of fire?

That's the sun.

It goes by many names.

Apollo's Lantern, day-moon, Old Blazey.

The important thing is never to touch it.

I know what the sun is!

Yes, now you do.

(PACIFIER SQUEAKING)

I know that sound!

Maggie! My sweet little angel!

Mmm... Mmm!

The sound of the baby must have triggered a primal mnemonic response in Mom's brain!

Lisa! My little know-it-all!

Hey, guys, guess who just became lactose-tolerant?

Milhouse! You're Bart's best friend!

(GASPS)

I remember Bart!

Oh, I can't believe you remembered me through Milhouse.

He's not even my best friend.

Who's got amnesia now, Bart?

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

It's so great to have my children back.

I better get ready. I'm next.

(EXHALES)

(SNIFFS)

All right, Marge, time to remember Admiral Awesome!

Mmm...

Nope. I'm sorry, Admiral, but you're still a stranger to me.

Oh. Why do you remember them and not me?

I don't know.

Maybe there's something unpleasant blocking my memory of you.

Hi-diddly-ho, Simpsons!

Oh, hey, Ned. Isn't today your cat's birthday?

I remember, 'cause she shares the date with Patti LaBelle.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

Okay. All it'll take to unlock your memories of me is one of these blasts from the past.

Here's me fighting with former President Bush.

Me fighting with current President Bush.

And here's me showing a bag of apples who's boss.

I'm sorry.

You seem like a colorful character, but I just don't remember you.

Well, maybe if we snuggle, it might rattle some memories loose.

What's "snuggling"?

When a man and a woman love each other very much, they usually get together...

Mr. Simpson, I don't even know you!

I'm not making love with you!

But what if we...

(INAUDIBLE)

You're describing how to parallel park.

(SOBBING)

You used to love my non sequiturs.

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

Why can I remember everyone in town except my husband?

Simple. Your brain is trying to save you from your backed-up toilet of a marriage.

Have you been talking like this for my entire marriage?

Oh, no. No.

We've always honored your choice.

I don't know. I should give Homer a chance.

But on the other hand, I feel nothing for him.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GASPS) This is horrible!

We've got to tell Dad.

Oh, no! Bart and Lisa are gonna tell me something horrible!

(SIGHS) What?

"Buy the police department a hang glider," you said.

"Fight crime from above," you said.

Yeah, and you said you're only 180 pounds.

Shut up and look for crime.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Mr. Simpson?

Marge, if I can't make you remember me, then I'll make you fall for me all over again.

The heart is the symbol for love.

Uh!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SINGING) That Homer Simpson, he's quite a guy.

He paid me 10 bucks so I would lie.

The truth is he's not so great.

He is the one man I truly hate

So beautiful.

I wish I could understand ltalian.

I've had a lovely evening, Mr. Simpson.

Just wait, we're coming to the site of our most romantic night ever.

It was the plywood castle that we first...

Well, you know.

Know what?

(GASPS)

No! I'm not the kind of girl who makes love on a putt-putt golf course!

Oh, you loved it, especially when the windmill came around and whacked your butt.

(PURRING)

Oh, that sounds horrible!

No. It was the happiest night of my life.

The warm spring air, the swings I took in the batting cage afterwards.

Don't you remember, darling?

No, and I hope I never do!

The best thing that ever happened to me was forgetting about you!

(GRUNTING)

You know, I still think about you all the time.

Birthdays over, Seymour.

But, uh...

I'm sorry you have to leave, but I just can't think of another way.

I know.

Wait, I thought of another way. I stay.

Goodbye, Mr. Simpson.

Uh!

Dad, we don't want you to leave.

(SOBS) My grades will suffer.

In fact, they're already suffering.

Look at this garden of "Fs." You planted them all.

Marge, I realize you've made up your mind, and I want you to know that I deeply respect your...

Boo! That works for hiccups, not amnesia.

I know. I just thought maybe...

Boo!

Oh.

(GROANS)

Boo.

(COUGHING)

How long you gonna be bunking with me, son?

Well, the rest of your life for sure.

Why are we having dinner in Shelbyville?

We found a place here that's serving up just what you need.

A mixer? I don't know.

I am still technically married.

All we're saying is go in and chat with these guys.

And if you want a quickie annulment and remarriage, we've got all the paperwork right here.

Why don't you sign a bunch now?

For fun.

Welcome to speed dating, you exciting, lonely people.

Every five minutes, I'm going to blow this horn...

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

...and each man will move one table to his left.

Excuse me.

Is this how you met your husband?

No, I met him through friends like a normal person.

Now, speed date.

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

(STAMMERING) I want you to know I'm coming from a very fragile place.

My wife left me...

(SOBS)

...five years ago.

Oh, that's so sad.

Why did I kill her, why?

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

Hello there.

Yeah, hi. How you doing?

So, uh, let's get right to it.

I don't drive a Lexus, okay?

I don't have a Learjet or some big beach house in la-la land.

I am just a nice man who makes a decent living.

So I guess I should probably just go shoot myself, huh?

Hmm?

Oh, don't get quiet on me.

Please, I hate when they get quiet.

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

Ta-da!

I know what you're thinking, but don't worry, I'm old enough to date.

(CHUCKLING)

(WHISPERING) Dermabrasion!

Marge: I think he's a male gay.

(AIR HORN BLOWS) Ah!

I have to admit something, I feel a little silly.

Oh, me, too.

I can't believe anyone ever really finds anyone at these things.

Yeah, I was dragged here by my older brothers.

We used to be quintuplets, but three of us drowned.

(GRUNTS)

I really know where you're coming from.

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

Oh, I guess we have to move on.

Do we? We're adults. Why don't we just go get a cup of coffee?

I'd love to.

(CHUCKLING)

Ooh-la-la.

I smell romance.

It's a perfect night for love.

Would you pretty ladies care to join us for some champagne?

Go suck a rat, Assanova.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(GASPS) That might be Marge!

Don't answer it. Savor the sound.

(CONTINUES RINGING) Oh, boy...

Marge?

Homer, I don't want to alarm you, but right now we're looking at your wife yukkin' it up with a good-looking guy.

He just touched her arm and now they're being quiet.

But it's not an awkward silence.

Yeah, it's more like a "nothing needs to be said" kind of silence.

(SCREAMS)

I just think the best thing a person can do for the world is to be clean and polite.

Wow, that's what I would have said.

Well, I would have said, "Polite and clean," but wow, still.

Oh, no! He's Marge's, and my, dream man.

I've got to make a play for her now Or I might lose her forever.

Uh!

(SPITS) D'oh!

At least she found someone who can make her happy.

Oh, Marge, I feel like the two of us can say anything to each other.

You really mean that? I do.

I've got amnesia and I have three kids.

Wow. My first thought is "respect," both for your mental illness and your ability to get back into shape.

My second thought is "goodbye."

You idiot! Ah!

Do you know what you just gave up?

Who the hell are you?

The wisest, wettest man you'll ever meet.

Go on. You just walked away from the sweetest, most beautiful woman a guy could want.

In 10 years, she never had the last slice of pizza and she's never complained.

Every election, she wishes she could vote for both guys because they both seem nice.

And there's alight inside her that makes everyone else look better.

And you blew her off.

Dude, she's got three kids.

(GASPS)

Really? Well, she's still great.

Hmm.

Marge: Mr. Simpson.

I may not know much about you, but you sure know a lot of wonderful things about me.

And that means a lot to a woman.

I still don't remember you.

But for the first time since this happened, I wish I did, Homer.

I'm so happy we're together again. Want to get a drink?

You drink?

Uh, yeah, I started when you were in the hospital.

Oh, I was so worried.

Recently I tried this thing called beer, and...

(GASPS) I remember everything!

You get drunk all the time.

Oh.

But do you also remember that you're an enabler?

Oh, of course I do.

That's why we're such a great team.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Marge: You've been drinking today, haven't you?

Homer: I sure have, partner.

Marge: I remember him.

Homer: What about her?

Marge: No, I don't know.

And her? Oh, and her.

And her'! Uh-huh. And him.

Well, what about him?

Mmm, I don't recognize that name.

Yeah. I have their baseball cards.

Oh, I know all them.

Look at all those people. You know them?

Wow. She still works here?

Yeah, she's over in post now.

Oh, I always liked that guy.

Not me.

But we can't get rid of him because he's friends with Richard Sakai.

Oh, and there's a familiar name. And another one. Wait.

Whatever happened to that guy from the network?

Did he get married?

Oh, he ain't getting married.

(CHUCKLES)

He has commitment issues.