30x09 - Daddicus Finch

[SHRIEKS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[BURPS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[YELLS]

[BEEPS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

D'oh!

[GRUNTS]

[SNORING]

Sorry, no room. [SNORES]

I am a broccoli, I help keep you lean.

My head's on a stalk, and my color is...

- [AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS]
- Is...

Uh, is... uh...

Oh, come on, you little nitwit.

It's the color of your costume, for God's sake.

Purple.

Get off my stage, out of my sight,

- and into your parents' car.
- Okay.

You'll never work in second grade theater again.

Hooray!

Up next, the heartwarming story of the origin of veal.

Hello, friend-o.

No, no! You promised you would cut this scene.

No, no, I cut your scene because you were such a noodge.

- Forget it. Show's over!
- Woo-hoo!

Ugh, fine.

Can I please get back my after-show cupcakes?

- We already ate them.
- No!

Oh, I broke the cardinal rule, never invest in your own production.

But I'm gonna take back my duct tape!

[GRUNTING]

And my bulbs. Ow, ow, ow. Hot, hot, hot.

Am I acting? No.

[GRUNTING] I'm stuck in my pork chop suit.

I've become everything I hate.

Huh? Oh. Uh, you were the best one, sweetie.

Wha...? I didn't even get to do my line.

Oh, I think I'm gonna cry.

[CRYING]: Oh, no. I hate to see a pork chop cry.

[BOTH CRYING]

Ooh!

Green! Green. Green. Green.

Too late now, boy.
Just, uh, play with the siren.

[SIREN WAILS ON AND OFF]

. . .

Homer, that's the weather.

HOMER: D'oh!

Homer, I want you to do something with Lisa.

I am.

Isn't that right, honey? Oops.

You're not speaking to her or even making eye contact.

Oh, you'd be surprised at the things my eyes are in contact with.

Okay. Well, what is she doing right now?

Uh, uh... she's riding her pony?

Uh, uh... blowing her clarinet?

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Protesting a whale.

I'm reading To Kill a Mockingbird.

Now just remember, it's set in the South a long time ago.

The terrible racism you're reading about is now everywhere.

We're gonna shop at all the stores you like that have a chair I can sit in, except the chair store.

I'm not allowed back there.

Kent Brockman here interviewing three blue-collar men who voted for Trump.
How do you feel now?

- Please stop interviewing us.
- Never.

Here's the store.

Let's get something sweet for my little girl.

Sugar and spice and everything... What the?!

"Twerking Girl"?

"Ho, Sweet Ho"? "Baby's First Thong"?

Those are just a few of our high-end brands.

We also have "Call of Booty," "Raggedy Anorexic,"

"The Edge of ," and, for boys, "Jack the Stripper."

HOMER: Oh, for crying out loud.

Okay, that's it. I've heard enough and three past that.

My daughter is still a sweet little girl.

What the? Oh, come on!

My daughter's not a s*x object.
She's a respect object.

Innocent girls.

Knee socks.

Grow up too fast.

I will see you all in court.

Hmm? Mm.

Dad, I'm seeing you through new eyes.

You've become the hero of my book.

The guy who kills the mockingbird?

No one kills a mockingbird.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, spoiler alert.

You're like Atticus Finch, a modest, heroic man who stands up for what's right.

Uh, yeah, sure.

And I love the way you just made me feel safer.

[GASPS] She respects me.

This is even better than the time the Milk Duds in the vending machine knocked down a Musketeers bar, too.

Woo-hoo! Man beats machine!

Oh!

ATTICUS [ON TV]: Well, I think that's all the reading for tonight, honey. It's getting late.

What time is it?

: .

SCOUT: May I see your watch?

"To Atticus, My Beloved Husband."

Oh, black and white? The TV's broken.

Hey, we were watching that.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]:
Why, look, it's Bart Simpson in his short pants on the davenport.

Are you nuts?

Homer is my hero.

Say it in American.

[NORMAL VOICE]: He stood up for me.

It was magnificent.

- I wish my dad was a hero.
- Wish granted, son!

Now let's move it.

If I hand out , flyers, I get all the turkey shreds I can dig out of the slicer trap.

And dig I will. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I don't care if Dad's your hero.

You know whose hero I am?
Maggie's. Come here, girl.

Okay, the dog's your hero, but I'm your human hero.

Fine.

But I'm your living human hero.

Are you saying I'm dead?
Put up your dukes.

Now put up my dukes.

Now take down your dukes. [GRUNTS]

I'm the greatest!

Oh... someone put down my dukes.

LISA: I'd always liked my dad,but this was something new and wonderful.

I admired him.

The way he'd take me to the science museum once a year.

D'oh!

D'oh!

And now we get ice cream.

- Hmm.
- Mmm.

Oh, sweetie, it's starting to melt.

Daddy will give you a little help.

A little more help.

A little more. A little more.

Oops. Oh, Daddy ate yours.
You can have mine.

- Thank you.
- Now let Daddy...

I got it.

And he inspired me in school.

The second grade was grim, but Jem assured me that the older I get, the better school would be.

Who says my class is grim? Who's Jem?

What are you talking about?

That's from To Kill a Mockingbird.

Page . The book you assigned us to read.

I assigned you to read the Wikipedia article.

LISA: But my brother was not so happy.

Mom, why can't we be like that?

[LISA AND HOMER LAUGHING]

Well...

[HUMMING]

[SPITS] I taste blue.

Yeah, okay.

- [HACKS]
- [GROANS]

I tell you, guys, having a kid that likes you is the greatest feeling in the world.

I never got along with my old man.

He was always disappointed I didn't follow him in the family business.

- What did he do?
- He was editor of Life magazine.

- I thought that was defunct.
- Eh, he keeps saying a real son would've bought it out of bankruptcy and launched it as a digital platform.

Well, angel funders want too much equity.

Sorry, Dad.

[SIGHS] Yeah, my dad left when I was most vulnerable, the day after Mom left.
That was a tough week there.

[CRYING]

Not a good time to film a commercial.

Don't worry, we'll take these cameras and we'll make a Netflix documentary.

They will buy anything!

[MARGE HUMMING]

For dessert, I made blackberry pie.

Oh, I made Dad a blueberry pie.

Oh, what to do, what to do?

In the words of King Solomon, I shall eat two pies.

I don't think King Solomon said that.

Maybe it was a king salmon.

The point is, pies are good.

Homer, I think Bart could use a little attention.

[SIGHS] Give attention to Lisa, give attention to Bart.

What am I, made of attention?

Okay, because of budget cutbacks, you got seconds each.

after the explanation. You, get in!

What you're experiencing is a phenomenon known as transference, where you project your feelings towards your mother onto your art teacher.

Anytime you find yourself wanting to hug Mrs. Hakamuchi,

- snap this rubber band on your wrist.
- Ow.

- [TIMER DINGS]
- Next!

What are you waiting for?
I'm here for an hour, then I'm off to other schools.

I eat lunch in my car 'cause they won't let me counsel kids with food in my mouth.

Well, I always thought my dad was a big fat loser until he started giving attention to my lame-o sister.

So why do I want his attention now?

Why does this hurt?

Family members are locked into roles. Change that, and what do you get?

Resentment and acting out.
Acting out can take many forms, from pouting to armed robbery.

- Time's almost up.
- So, what do I do?

You have no choice.

Act out until somebody pays attention to you.

- [TIMER DINGS]
- Next!

Okay, couples therapy.
You got seconds.

BOTH: I'm the oldest, and she won't admit it.

Milhouse, I'm about to act out.

After we leave an envelope full of guilt.

Also, we're stopping by the photo booth

- and the perfume room.
- Enough.

[READING IN HEBREW]

[GROANS]

Come on, sweetie, pick up the pace.

The sushi's been sitting out for an hour.

When Willie turned , it was time to work in the mines.

It's go time.

[WHEEZING]

Help. My friend's having an asthma attack.

Not yet, Bart. This is a real one.

- [GRUNTS]
- Even better.

[WHEEZING]

Please, we've got to get him to the hospital.

Wow. I'm gonna meet a nurse.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

[SHAUNA READING IN HEBREW]

And now we're gonna party like it's .

Wait, wait, wait.

Before you leave, I am going to talk.

And I'm going to tell you a very long joke.

Please stand.

So, an old rabbi was confronted with squirrels in the attic.

Get to the punch line or your son flunks geometry.

He gave the squirrels a bar mitzvah and never saw them in temple again.

Amen.

[ANGRY CHATTER]

I don't drive a minivan.

Do I look like a suburban soccer mom from Phoenix?

Well, sometimes, when you're tired.

- Shut up!
- I should be first.

I own a Tesla.

Those are my keys.

Prepare for the boning of your life.

[GRUNTS]

[SHOUTING]

To repeat, I own a Tesla, and I'm going to use "summon."

[ALL GASP]

Who is responsible for this meshugana behavior?

- He did it.
- [GASPS]

Oh...

Hey, Mr. Cunningham.

I said hey, Mr. Cunningham.

I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it.

They know I did it. Protect me, Dad.

SCOUT [ON TV]: Don't you remember me, Mr. Cunningham?

I'm Jean Louise Finch.

[SHOUTING]

Where's your boy?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: What's your hurry, friend?

Now, Homer, don't you try to disarm us with your genteel mannerisms of a bygone era there.

Why, I haven't a notion as to what you are importuning, good sir.

[ANGRY CHATTER]

[GUNSHOT]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Excuse me, Mr. Szyslak.

Mr. Szyslak, we know you.

My father likes to drink at your bar.

You can't say hi to me?

[SOBBING]

And how 'bout you, Chief Wiggum?

I go to school with your boy, Ralph.

Give my regards to Ralph, would you, please?

All right, let's go, people.
They've defused us.

Everyone get, uh, get one last mutter in.

[ALL MUTTERING]

Oh, Lisa, sweetie, you saved me.

No, Dad, you saved us all with your calmness and bravery.

- Thanks. Just one thing.
- Yes, Dad?

Don't tell your mother about the mob that almost killed your brother.

She's taken a liking to him.

MARGE: The what?

You're hearing things in the shower again, Marge.

Oh, okay.

- [GUNSHOT]
- WIGGUM: Sorry.

Okay, Maggie, you give me your binky, and I'll give you this substitution bear doll.

You can't beat addiction, Marge.

I got addicted to Agatha Christie books.

I always thought the murderer was that know-it-all Belgian.

Turns out, he was the detective.

books, and I never saw it coming.

- [LISA GROANS]
- [GASPS]

- What happened?
- Got in a fight.

Why? What did the other kid do?

Said Dad was lazy and incompetent.

And where is this other kid?

- Yo.
- [GASPS]

You got in a fight with your brother?

I won a fight with my brother.

- Liar.
- Let's go again.

Stop her, Mom.

[MARGE GROANS]

To combat bed-wetting, doctors recommend shifting times for drinking, scheduling bathroom breaks, and being encouraging.
I'll deny having said this, but the next time you wet your bed, have 'em spank you.

- Next.
- [TIMER DINGS]

Wait, you're not a kid. Doesn't matter.

You've got seconds. Go.

I'm worried that my daughter is ruining her family idolizing her father.

I see. Wow. Marge, it's totally normal for a little girl to be infatuated with her father.

It's safe and comes from a good place, and when it ends, it's another thing she'll blame you for.

Yes, well, I'm afraid my husband isn't always a perfect influence.

Marge, I've got a legal matter to deal with.

I'll be outside.

Also, I'm worried that my son is feeling neglected.

Your husband has to give your daughter the perfect speech, which lets her down but doesn't snap her in two.

And make sure you don't have any more kids.

Sounds like it'll be a disaster.

Whoa, nice to meet you.
See you in three years.

- [TIMER DINGS]
- Now, good-bye.

- Homer?
- Huh? What?

Homer, it's sweet that Lisa idolizes you,

but I think it's gone too far.

You're right.

Tell her she's right.

I just did.

I'm on a five-second delay.

The kids are at each other's throats.

Look, you can't be my dog and hers; pick a side.

You can't hide in there forever.

- [TOOTS]
- [BARKING]

Okay, I'll talk to Bart, you talk to Lisa.

We've got to put this family back in place.

Okay. Why do you always tell me the most important things just when I'm about to fall asleep?

Because I think the pillow talk between a woman and her husband is the most important...

What? How did I wind up in church?

What's wrong, sweetie?

I've got that terrible feeling where I'm almost at the end of a great book, and once I finish, it's over forever.

Well, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

You and I have had a lot of fun these past few weeks, but you aren't always gonna look up to your dad as much as you do now.

Bup, bup, bup. Great man, there is nothing you could do to make me lose one iota of respect for you.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be that guy, but now I can't fit behind a door.

You'll discover I'm not the perfect man you think.

Okay, I'll finish my book.

But always remember you're my dad, and I'll never forget the way you and...

Damn it.

I'm home!

[SIGHS]

She's moved on, which, let's face it, is the way things should be.

Kids grow up, daddies die,and then the wind whispers, "Why?"

Oh, I don't know. I've been hurt before.

I don't want to mess you up by getting close to you.

Aw.

No problem.

Marge, get in here.

Okay Bart, because we treasure you too, I'm gonna let you do one thing just for yourself.

Kick Homer in the butt?

Uh, why don't you give it some thought.

Kick Lisa in the butt. Have a birthday party every day?

Never brush my teeth again.

Be homeschooled by the dog.

Drive a tank through Skinner's house.

Open a casino in the basement.

Have an affair?

- You haven't decided yet?
- Don't rush me.

Convert my Roth IRA to a K?

Have an affair?

Take a mulligan?

Okay, I've decided.

I'll kick Homer in the butt.

You can kick it if you can find it.

D'oh.

♪ Well, they say ♪

♪ Time loves a hero ♪

♪ But only time will tell ♪

♪ If he's real ♪

♪ He's a legend from heaven ♪

♪ If he ain't, he was sent here from hell ♪

♪ Hear me well ♪

♪ Seein' ain't always believin' ♪

♪ Just make sure it's the truth that you're seein' ♪

♪ Eyes sometimes lie, eyes sometimes lie ♪

♪ They can be real deceivin'. ♪