30x13 - I'm Dancing as Fat as I Can

- Mmm. Bleh.
- D'oh!

[PHONE RINGING]

Y'ello.

Dad, I'm sleeping over at Milhouse's and I can't take it.

Come on, Bart, read me to sleep.

And do the voices.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: "I'm ruler,"

[NORMAL VOICE]: said Yertle.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: "Of all that I see."

Could we try that again?

And hit "I'm" a little harder.

"I'm ruler,"

[NORMAL VOICE]: said Yertle.

Faster and this time hit "said."

[NORMAL VOICE]: That makes no sense.

Okay, we'll do it your way, then my way, and I'll see what works in editing. [CHUCKLES]

Dad, get me outta here.

Sorry, boy, you know the rule.

Accept the invite, stay the night.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello, Yertle. [LAUGHS]

[GASPS] Oh. Oh, my God.

I-I'll be on the next plane.

[WHIMPERS]: Oh.

What's wrong, honey?

My Aunt Eunice is dying.

I have to leave right away.

HOMER: Oh, poor Marge.

Wait. She said "I," not "we."

I don't have to go.

[LAUGHING]

[SOBBING]

Aw, you love her, too.

[LAUGHING, SOBBING]

Sweetie, do you want to come?

Uh, uh, w-with all my heart.

Uh, but the children need me.

[CLOCK TICKING]

[CRYING] Oh.

[PHONE RINGING]

Y'ello.

BART [OVER PHONE]: Dad, I am begging you.

Who is this?

MARGE [SIGHS]: Okay.

I made a loaf of peanut butter and jelly.

You just have to slice it into sandwiches every day.

- Check.
- I set the Roomba up to cope with your cleaning.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

- Check.
- I made a welcome wagon basket for our new neighbors from Eastern Europe.

- Check.
- Not Czech, Slovenian.

- Check.
- [CAR HORN HONKING]

One last thing... this is very important, Homer.

The new season of Odder Stuff drops on Netflix tonight.

Ooh, ooh. Something to do.

Do not watch it without me.

What? Why not? I have to see if my fan theories are correct.

[LOUD WHISPER]: I think it's set in the ' s.

- [CAR HORN HONKS]
- Homer, the nine hours we binge watch that show together is our thing.

And we don't have a lot of things.

But holding hands in a darkened room with my head on your shoulder has become the glue that seals our love.

I get it. I totally get it.

I know I'm not perfect.

Sometimes I forget our marriage birthday.

- Our anniversary?
- Yes.

And sometimes I forget your birth anniversary, but I promise I will not watch our show without you.

Thank you, Homie.

AUNT EUNICE: Thank you girls for coming.

Dearest, you were always our favorite aunt.

Psst, over here.

When she's gone, I get the P's, Selma gets the S's.

You get to notify the utilities.

Can't this wait until after she's dead?

I'll be too busy grieving.

Yeah. Too busy grieving I got the salt shaker. [LAUGHS]

Easy-peasy.
"P" for salt, "S" for pepper.

I'm walking towards a light...

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

with a Post-it on it. [GRUNTS]

Uh-oh.

Okay, sweetie, here's a book that can help you fall asleep.

No, no, no. No, sweetie.

You chew it, like this. Look.

[MUNCHING]

Yummy book. Mmm.

Oh. [MOANING]

Hey. [CHUCKLES]

[MOANING]

- [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SNORING]

Hey, what?

Huh.

What's this? What are you doing?!

You guys can't watch this.

Uh, no. You can't watch this.

We didn't promise Mom nothing.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Children, there are shows you could watch right now.

Many with Ted Danson.

[GROWLING, HISSING]

- [WHIMPERS]
- [GROWLING]

Wait for me.

[WHIMPERING]

MARGE: This show you can watch.

Too depressing.

[BIRD CAWS]

[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh. Ah! No.

Must find place to avoid pop culture discussions.

I know. The watercooler.

- the Semi-Gorgon.
- so many twists.

- I know.
- set in the ' s.

And the Guffer Brothers.

My turn to talk about how much I liked it.

Shouldn't doing something nice for your wife feel better than this?

Homer, will you read my Odder Stuff fan fiction?

I threw it over Stephen King's fence but i-it hit him on the head.

Why Stephen King?

Eh, he's got a low fence.

Mmm...

[GURGLING]

Don't worry, kids.

Sideshow Mel will be fine.

He has an air bubble.

It's all carbon dioxide now!

[BUBBLING]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS] This is the last time I buy a trick from a magician's widow.

Nobody's watching my show.

What with the downloading and the streaming, and the fact that everything else is better.

Now, you're my writers!

You pay us like interns.

And I'm your niece.

- Hey-hey.
- Hey-hey.

Now I want ideas.

Why don't we do another live special?

What? I can't remember lines.

At my last wedding I wrote "I do" on the rabbi's forehead.

You could hide a golden ticket in some candy like Willy Wonka.

The only children allowed in my factory are the ones that work there.

- How 'bout we have a contest?
- [KRUSTY GROANS]

Some lucky kid gets to run around a Krusty store for five whole minutes and take all the toys they want.

It inspires buying, it's easy to promote, and it's the third thing someone pitched.

I'm sold!

[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's see what else Netflix has to offer.

"Because you watched an ' s show featuring a monster..."

Alf, Roseanne, Moonlighting, The Cosby Show...

They're all too scary.

Ooh. [WHIMPERING] God forgive me.

No. Only when we're together.

It's our glue.

Homer, I'm Ted Sarandos.

Chief Content Officer of Netflix.

[GULPS, WHIMPERS]

This can't be a dream because I don't know who you are.

I'm not a dream. Let's just say I'm a manifestation of complex algorithms that know everything about you.

Well, I can't watch this because...

I know. I know. Marge told you not to.

Do you know that she's been watching Scandinavian crime dramas with full nudity without you?

That nudity is story-driven.

[LAUGHING]: Yeah, right.

But Odder Stuff is our thing.

No. Your thing's with us.

She's just along for the ride.

The account's in your name.

Come on, come on, watch it now.

Because our subscription prices will triple tomorrow.

[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow. I finally finished something I wasn't supposed to start.

That is impressive.

I won't even mind watching it again with...

- MARGE: Homer?!
- Uh-oh.

The lady from my marriage.

My aunt recovered.

Why are you up at : a.m.?

Still warm.

You watched it.

I finally learn how little I mean to you.

- Wait.
- [DOOR SLAMS]

[CRYING]: No.

Marge, I am sorry.

Come on, it's a stupid TV show.

I don't want to hear your voice.

Mmm...

No. We're staying married.

Enough with the rebuses.

All right, I'll just grab my pillow and sleep on the couch.

- No. You'll sleep right next to me.
- [SIGHS]

Because I want you to feel the bitter rays of ice coming from my frozen soul.

[SHIVERING]

Oh. Oh. It's so bitterly cold.

[GRUNTING]

MARGE: I'm fine.

[HOMER SIGHS]

KRUSTY [OVER TV]: To enter our contest, write down, in words or less, why you love me more than God and America.

The top three essayists will earn a chance to run roughshod through a Krusty store and not get tased by security. [LAUGHS]

Whoever fills the cart with the most toys gets to keep them, free.

And the other two get the worst kind of squat: diddly.

Diddly? You can't say that word on TV.

Employees and monkeys of this network are not eligible.

Lis, will you write my essay for me?

What, you can't even come up with, "I love Krusty because I'm a class clown and he's a clown with class"?

Perfect. And the best thing is I'm stealing it from you.

Ooh, that'll impress 'em.

Go ahead. But there's one thing I want you to hear: when you win by cheating, eventually you lose.

Wait, sorry, after you said "win," I started thinking about dirt bikes.

[IMITATING DIRT BIKE ENGINE]

You cheated on your wife, Homer.

I waited for Lenny before I watched.

[GROWLING]

After this, we've got a stand-up special from Chris Rock.

Don't watch that with your wife, either.

[WHIMPERING]

[SHOUTING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Quit sleeping in the garden!

[SNORING]

- Dad?
- Huh?

Sweetie, everything's fine.

Dad, maybe you should be talking to someone who's older than me.

Ted Sarandos?

Who's Ted Sarandos?

I was hoping you knew.

HOMER: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

My son, what are your sins?

Aside from thinking our church has confession.

I watched a binge-worthy TV show without my wife.

Was it The Crown?
Don't tell me how it ends.

Doesn't she become queen?

Oh, go to Hell.

Aw, what am I gonna do?

I don't know what she wants!

Homer, sorry to blow my own horn...

[HORN PLAYS FANFARE]

but Netflix knows your wife better than you do.

Do you know what she watches incessantly when you're not around?

Usually this thing.

Dance shows! She loves 'em!

Want to win her back?
Learn to dance, my puppet.

Hmm. I have disappointed Marge with my dancing in the past.

[BONES CRACK]

[SIREN WAILING]

I'll do it!

["THE BLUE DANUBE" BY STRAUSS PLAYING]

Did you guys all let down your wives?

I'm not that pathetic.

I'm just paying $ an hour for basic human contact.

[GIGGLES] Cha-cha-cha!

[JAZZ RIFF PLAYING]

Hello. My name is Julia.

Just remember Julia believes in you.

Julia will always believe in you.

Julia will stay with you until you are a dancer.

- What's my name?
- Homer.

- No. My name.
- Julia.

And why are you here?

I need to learn how to dance

- to get my wife back.
- [MOANS]: Aw...

It's been a long time since a woman said that to me.

[JAZZ RIFF PLAYING]

Now we begin.

["THE BLUE DANUBE" PLAYING]

[HOMER PANTING]

Zoey B, Zoey T, you work with these guys.

This man needs one-on-one help.

I don't know how to tell you this, but you are a terrible dancer.

Uh, it seems like you did know how to tell me that.

But I am taking you on as my personal challenge, and when I take on a challenge, I don't quit!

[TANGO PLAYING]

[CRACKING]

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Okay, here's the first thing: when you step on my toe, it causes me pain.

Wow. I'm learning so much.

[TANGO RESUMES]

How's your toe?

Doesn't matter.

I don't quit and neither do you.

[PANTING HEAVILY]

- [ALARM BEEPS]
- [GASPS]

Homer, you're getting there.

You're aware of when the music is playing.

[GASPING]: Can't... dance.

Marriage over.

Will live... on boat.

[SIGHS] I'm gonna have to do something I didn't want to do.

I'm bringing in my partner.

Sweet Sal!

Watch me. With one hand, you can lead a woman.

- I find that hard to...
- You have to come forward

- when I do this.
- Mm?

-You have to go back when I do this.
-Mm.

As I push my palm into your back,

- you're forced to turn here.
- I am. I am.

Whoa...

Back straight! Knees bent!

Feet arched! Eyes merry!

[HOMER SHRIEKING]

[SHRIEKING CONTINUES]

[PHONE RINGS]

Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.

Homer? Nah, sorry, Midge.

I ain't seen him in weeks.

What do you mean?

He told me he's been there every night.

Oh, oh, Homer Simpson.

Oh, no, I thought you were talking about, uh, Homer the blind poet who wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey there, yeah.

'Cause he ain't been around

- since, like, BC.
- [GROANS]

Another night at Moe's?

Yeah. I'm beat.

The couch.

[TAP-DANCING]

MARGE [CALLS]: Quiet!

Okay, Homer, time to do a lift.

Are you sure? I'm pretty heavy.

No, me. Just grab my waist and hold on tight.

I'm doing all the work.

Oh. Oops.

- [SHRIEKS]
- We'll work on that.

- Hey, hey!
- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

It's time for Krusty's Toy Trample!

We have three finalists.

But only the first finisher gets to keep his toys.

Losers have to pay the winner's income tax.

We rehearsed this with monkeys, and everything went great!

BART: Now, to take out these two losers in two seconds.

Dead Grandma, is that you?

On your marks, prepare to advance.

- [BART EXHALES]
- Commence!

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

- No!
- No!

[MUSIC STOPS]

Congratulations, kid!

And you also won... a day with Krusty!

ANNOUNCER [SPEED-TALKING]: Day with Krusty will actually be day with Sideshow Mel.

Don't we get anything?

Of course.
You two get the greatest prize any kid could ask for: wooden paddles with balls on 'em.

Mine's broken already.

Use your imagination.

The ball is a rocket ship, and the paddle is a...

I don't know. Why am I wasting my time with this kid?

- Is he dying?
- Not that I know of.

Well, then get him outta here!

- [PHONE RINGS]
- [GROANS]

HOMER [OVER SPEAKER]: Marge, it's me.

I want to ask you one favor, and I won't bother you again.

There's a dress in the bedroom.

Put it on and meet me at th and Elm.

Are you going to tell me where you've been spending your nights?

All will be made clear.

[DIAL TONE]

Marge, go to him.

If you don't, he'll head off to the war, and you'll never see him again.

He's not going to war.

That coward!
He doesn't deserve my daughter!

She's here.

["EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE" BY THE POLICE PLAYING]

You look beautiful.

Cut it out.

Why are we here?

To dance.

I don't know how.

Marge, all you have to do is one incredibly difficult thing: trust me.

♪ I'm here ♪

Oh.

♪ Let's dance ♪

[GASPS]

- ♪ My dear ♪ - Oh...

Yeah.

♪ What's your name? ♪

MARGE: Hmm.

♪ How do you do? ♪

Mmm...

♪ What's the game? ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ I saw a girl ♪

[SOBBING]

I've never seen this, Mom and Dad romantically in love.

[CHUCKLES] It's like rebirth. Ooh.

It cures all the wounds.

Aw.

Bart, are you seeing this?

I set a new record: .

Wha... You missed the greatest moment in our parents' lives.

's pretty good.

♪ How ♪

♪ Do you do? ♪

Whoo! I have not felt this good since I signed Shonda Rhimes.

♪ You're there ♪

♪ I'm here ♪

Okay, Homer, catch and lift.

♪ But let's dance ♪

- [GRUNTS]
- [PEOPLE GASP]

♪ My dear ♪

♪ What's your name? ♪

♪ How do you do? ♪

♪ What's the game? ♪

FLANDERS: Hey!

Wait, how did you get a toy?

It was a thank-you from Ralph for writing his essay.

You wrote Ralph's essay, too?

It's called hedging your bets, boys.

Hi-yo, just desserts!

Did someone say "just desserts"?

Dad, it's just an expression.

Just an expression, eh?

I have to warn you, we just have desserts.

Oh...