30x19 - Girl's in the Band

[GRUNTING]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

[BELCHES]

D'oh!

[STIRRING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Each year, one graduate receives the prestigious

Golden Baton Award for the most impressive future conductor.

But this year, we have two worthy recipients.

- [AUDIENCE GASPING]
- Two?

That's right.

Gustavo Dudamel and local wunderkind, Mr. Dewey Largo.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I'm sure you will each achieve tremendous renown.

No, wait.

I believe that one of you will.

And the other will fail and have a horrible life as a public school music teacher.

[CACKLING MANIACALLY]

Oh... Dudamel.

Dudamel. Yo-Yo Ma!

Oh, Dewey, my pouty poppet.

You're having that dream again?

Oh, it's so cruel that my only triumph has become my recurring nightmare.

Oh, darling, you're cursed with the memory of an elephant.

And the wrinkles to match.

Can't you just wake me with a slice of melon and a drop of affection?

Whatever you say, Lord Grumpy of the Morning Breath.

[LAUGHS]

Now, Petal, don't forget to call the dog walker.

Tell him to come early.

And easy on the leash.

Oh, it's on my list.

Also, don't forget to call someone about the water bill.

I suspect a sputtering spigot.

You know, you are home all day.

Hence my annoyance.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Pinterest awaits.

[GROANS]

- [DOG GRUMBLES]
- Oh, shut up, Sir Winston, or there'll be no cigar for you.

[DISCORDANTLY PLAYING MOZART'S "EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK"]

MAN: Dear Mr. Largo, I am the musical director

of the Capital City Philharmonic.

I've heard you've got talent. Big talent, major chops,

- the goods.
- [EXCLAIMS]

[SUSTAINING NOTE]

So I'll be attending your concert tomorrow night.

Intriguingly yours, Victor Kleskow.

[SUSTAINING NOTE]

P.S. I will be bringing an outside beverage.

Large, icy, nonalcoholic.

- [NOTE FADES]
- Okay, gang.

Our recital's tomorrow, and we're gonna be ready.

And if you play the way I know you're capable of, you'll never see me again.

[THEME FROM PATTON BY JERRY GOLDSMITH PLAYS]

You have hidden talent bubbling inside you, and this baton will pop it right out.

Sherri, more fortissimo. Terri, more pianissimo.

Milhouse, don't forget to tune your...

What the heck are you playing?

No one really knows.

Well, then, wear it on your head.

Here we go. I'm gonna do something

I've never done as a teacher before: actually try.

One, two, three, four.

[PLAYING "LIEUTENANT KIJÉ SUITE" BY PROKOFIEV]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Are you sure we're at the right school?

I mean, they sound good.

Oh, my gosh, it's bearable.

[MUSIC SWELLING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Sir? Did it move you?

Skinner, didn't I ask for a buffer chair between you and me at all of these events?

Uh-uh. Buffer.

Brilliant. How did you manage it?

It was good, wasn't it?

Let's just say I separated the wheat from the chaff.

I'm in the F hole.

Oh, Salieri, patron saint of losers, runners-up and also-rans, please let this Garfunkel become a Simon, this Pepsi become a Coke, and this ugly duckling conduct Swan Lake.

Hi. Victor Kleskow. We're conductors, so don't shake hands; just a friendly wave on the beat of four, three, two and done.

I'm honored, maestro.

Let's cut to the chase.

That was good... middle school good.

Tonight, I witnessed a once-in-a-semester talent that I must add to my organization.

- Dewey...
- Uh-huh. have to keep talking, or can I meet Lisa Simpson?

But-but-but she's a child.

Yes, I'm scouting talent for our youth philharmonic.

Surely, you didn't think I wanted you?

[SIGHS] No, no, of course not.

Lisa's right over there.

Red dress, intelligent expression.

Can't miss her.

Mr. Largo, he picked me.

[GASPS] I'm sorry.

I'm really glad you get to represent us.

It's like a little piece of me is taking a baby practice step.

That is so generous.

Yes, yes, there is an upside to having a broken spirit.

Mr. Kleskow said my articulation was the best he's ever heard.

He said I sounded like a young Cannonball Adderley.

Ooh, is that the raccoon on Saturday morning cartoons?

I'm talking about the famous jazz musician.

I don't know who you're talking about.

The guy I'm thinking of would make himself into a ball and knock over all the crows. [LAUGHS]

Homie, this class is miles each way.

We can do it!

I'll practice in the car.

miles in the car with Lisa practicing.

I've got a symphony for you.

[TUNE OF BEETHOVEN'S TH]:
♪ Sucks to be you ♪

♪ Sucks to be you, sucks to be you ♪

♪ Sucks to be you, sucks to be you. ♪

[MARGE GRUMBLES]

We can't afford a babysitter every day.

Bart will have to come along.

And Maggie, too.

Well, I got to ask.

Should we really sacrifice everything for a gifted child?

We'll always regret it if we don't.

- Okay.
- I wanted you to argue with me.

Youth orchestra costs $ a month.

Where's that money gonna come from?

Well, I have an idea, but you might not like it.

Remember the show Breaking Bad?

About a dad who was desperate for money?

Homer, no.

Marge, yes, I can do it.

I can sell my box set.

We haven't even listened to the commentaries.

Okay, not that.

I could always switch to a double shift and work nights at the plant.

Isn't that dangerous to your health?

You think I'm in danger?

I am the danger. I'm the one who knocks.

Well, that's so protective.

It's also a quote from Breaking Bad.

[MARGE GROANS]

You are really far behind.

[BREAKING BAD THEME PLAYS]

[HORNS HONKING]

MAN [ON RADIO]: And Jesus said

unto the Samaritan woman...

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING SPANISH]

Good, good. When the Spanish station overpowers the Christian one, we're getting close to the city.

BART: Why do I have to be here?

I specifically didn't get good at anything to avoid drives like this.

If you were me, would you trust you home alone?

Hmm.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[CHUCKLES]

[INSTRUMENTS TUNING AND WARMING UP]

- Who's the new girl?
- What does she play?

Too small for a tuba.

- Too big for a flute.
- Well, maybe it's her lunch.

- Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson.
- Shh.

He might hear you. [COUGHS]

- Are you okay?
- Don't tell him I'm sick.

The sick are left to die.

[COUGHS, HOCKS, SPITS]

Wow, even the violas are tense.

[PLAYING AN INTENSE NOTE]

Everyone, say hello to Lisa Simpson.

She's an actual musician, so she will be a strange and wonderful creature to the rest of you.

We'll start with one of the classics.

Theme from Knight Rider, second movement, bar .

One, two, three, four.

[PLAYING KNIGHT RIDER THEME]

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- I may have misspoken.

Miss Simpson, was that an F sharp or a G flat that you played?

Well, that's a trick question, because they're the same.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

Oh, we have a music scholar in our midst.

You're right, they are the same.

And if only you had played either one of them!

[GROANS] Sorry?

No, no, no. It's my fault.

I've been too soft on you, Lisa.

I've been letting you coast for almost two minutes.

That ends now. Lisa alone, theme from Moonlighting, second movement, andante!

[PLAYING MOONLIGHTING THEME]

Ow. Ow. Ow.

- Ow. Ow.
- Bart.

- Bart.
- Just killing time.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

- [LISA PANTING]
- Lisa.

Lisa, sweetie, are you okay?

He yelled at me, humiliated me in front of everyone.

And then...

I never played better!

Aw, so we're doing this every day?

- I guess so.
- Oh, man.

I've already got seat cushion butt.

Look. I sat on a nickel.

You can see the date.

[GASPS] That's a buffalo nickel.

It's really valuable.

Threw it in the gutter.

- Coins are boring.
- [GROANS]

[EDVARD GRIEG'S "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING" PLAYING]

Hey, welcome to the night shift. What are you in for?

Because I hit the jackpot.

My kid's got a big future with the jazz.

Oh, I hear you, you'll do anything for your kids.

Then they turn on you.

Well, I am through. Happily estranged.

[RINGING]

Is that my kids? Oh, boy.

Steam valve.

It's never them.

It's pretty dark in here. Can we turn on some more lights?

Uh, no. The company can't afford the power.

Aren't we a power company?

Never get high on your own supply.

[BLOWS]

[ORCHESTRA QUIETLY PLAYING]

Uh, Mom, I think Maggie wants to go home.

Maggie, is that what you want?

Let's go home! Let's go home!

I'm sorry, is this annoying you?

Ma'am, day care is happy to watch your son.

Bart Simpson, well-behaved child.

Please don't Google me.

- In you go!
- [BART YELPS]

[DOOR LOCKS]

Who are you losers, and why am I locked in here with you?

We're the siblings.

Our brothers and sisters are the talented ones.

Do you know what it's like being second banana to a third chair?

Shut up, Miles.

[HONKS]

Hey, I don't belong here.

You're one of us.

ALL [CHANTING]: One of us. One of us.

- Afterthought.
- Also-ran.

Second string.

GIRL: Unwanted child.

[ALL GROANING]

You're pretty well-dressed for a kid.

I'm a parent.

A prize-winning novelist with no musical talent.

All right, first order of business, do we have any chair challenges?

Excuse me, what's a chair chall...

Great, our first volunteer, out for blood.

Lisa versus Brian, winner gets first chair.

- Lisa, how could you?
- No, I didn't mean to.

Go, go, go, or I'll call you both Ubers back to Loser Town.

Damn it, surge pricing. I'll call it in later. Go!

♪ ♪

I've heard enough.

Brian, that was perfect... for second chair.

Lisa, you have his spot.

- I had a good run.
- No, you didn't.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

Never apologize for talent.

Did Mozart apologize?
I don't know. I wasn't there.

And even if I was, I'd have been pushing a plow.

You think everyone gets to hang out with Mozart?

[LISA MOANS]

LISA: Whoo-hoo! First chair.

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]

- Well, I'm off to the night shift.
- [SNOWBALL II YOWLS]

I'll miss you most of all, prime-time TV.

- Dad, do my feelings matter?
- Of course they do.

We just don't have as much time for them as usual.

Go ahead, tell me what you're thinking.

- Well, I...
- I hear you, I understand you,

- and I love you.
- But I...

Just put the rest on my Father's Day card.

Mwah. I'll see you at breakfast.

[MARGE CRIES]

There's nothing worse than being the parent of a kid with promise.

Oh, gosh. I've been so selfish.

That's right. The only one who should monopolize this family's time and attention is me, because I could go at any moment.

Unless I keep talking.

Talking, talking, talking.

That's what keeps the grim reaper at bay.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

I saw quite a bit of the grim reaper back in the war.

Back then, we called him The Ticket Out of Germany.

But the seating was cramped and the food was lousy.

And that was the start of American Airlines.

MAN [ON RADIO]: ¿Accidentes? No problema.

Teléfono ocho-ocho-ocho ocho-ocho...

Maggie, what are you doing?

I'll help her, Mom.

Help! Help!

I was promised ice cream miles ago.

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [SIGHS] We're here.

- Homie?
- [SIGHS]

Everything's breakfast all the time.

Eggs. All I'm eating are eggs.

I think it's turning my skin yellow.

Homie, are we sacrificing our family's happiness for the sake of one member?

When Lisa's making millions of dollars playing for the Utah Jazz, it'll be worth it.

The Jazz is a basketball team.

No, it's...

Oh, my God, what have we done?

[JAZZ PLAYING]

♪ ♪

[TIRES SCREECH]

♪ ♪

Okay, listen up, you guys want to be in your siblings' shadows your whole life?

ALL: Yes.

It's cool in the shadow.

Well, I'm gonna tell you how to get attention.

- Are you sure?
- That sounds risky.

I don't know about that.

Here's what you do: misbehave.

Call your dad by his first name.

If it's sticky, spill it.

- Make a shirttail wiener.
- [KIDS LAUGHING]

- Yes!
- I'll do it!

Yeah!

Simpson, a word?

About your time with this band, I am afraid it's almost up.

Are you kicking me out?

I wish. Ending people's musical careers is why I got into music.

But no, your sin is having a birthday soon.

You have to audition to move up to the next group.

- How old are they?
- Nine to .

And then what's the group after that?

Fame, fortune, an affair with Hans Zimmer.

Well, sir, I'm ready for all but the last one.

You think you're ready? In nine to , we play notes you've never heard of.

M-flat, J-sharp, V, cursive G, Frank, Frank Natural.

And those are just the ones you can hear.

I know you're playing mental games with me, and I take it as flattery.

Smart. Always smart. Well, this isn't a game!

It'll cost your parents more money, and it's a half hour farther from everywhere.

Oh, well, I guess I better talk to my family, then, and tell them the, uh... the good news.

Auditions are Tuesday. I sense you're conflicted.

I was conflicted once. Band leader or prison guard?

I chose the one where I could be more cruel.

[BIRD CAWING]

So tired and irritable.

Shut up. You shut up.

♪ ♪

["MIDNIGHT, THE STARS AND YOU" PLAYING]

The usual, sir?

Thank you, Lloyd.

And let me say, no one enables a descent into madness better than you.

I understand the family's getting to be a bit of a problem.

Yeah, but what are you gonna do?

I hear radiation poisoning is a painless way to go.

Maybe sprinkle a little plutonium in the salad.

- I don't eat salad.
- Exactly.

[CHUCKLES] I see.

[LAUGHS]

- No, I don't.
- Kill your family.

- How do I do that?
- With the plutonium.

- Well, where do I put it?
- In the salad.

- To what end?
- To kill your family!

Just what are you driving at?

♪ ♪

["MIDNIGHT, THE STARS AND YOU" PLAYING]

Simpson, what the hell are you doing?

Get back to your post.

Geez, I nearly went insane just to put my kid in an after-school music class.

I'm beginning to think it's not worth it.

- Please, don't fire me.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, don't worry.

What happens on the night shift stays on the night shift.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

I'm just gonna bash your brains in.

[CHUCKLES] There's our head of human resources now.

♪ ♪

Well, this is it.

If she makes it, it's five more years at least of driving.

I gave Maggie a Sketch 'n' Etch to calm her down.

HOMER: Oh, my God, she has talent, too.

- What are you looking at?
- Uh, nothing.

Make something else.

♪ ♪

LISA: I'm doing it. I'm gonna make it.

Oh, but if I keep being this good,

it'll mean more practice and more driving

and more resentful looks from the baby.

Wonder what I'm gonna do.

Ugh, I hate defining moments.

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

Stop! That's it, you failed.

Have fun playing for nickels on the street at the corner of Good But Not Great and Disappointment Boulevard.

You don't exist for me anymore.

You're pretty mean for a teacher.

Yeah. You should see me as a father.

So, guess this is the last time we're doing this drive.

Lisa, are you okay?

Sure. Fine. Never been better.

Hmm. You weren't crazy enough to fail on purpose just to make life better for the rest of us?

I'm fine. Probably, if I'd gotten it, all that work would have killed my love for music.

Or I think you would have gotten better and loved it more.

[BOTH GRUNT]

I know I loved that.

And I love that I drove you to violence.

- [GRUNTS]
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Don't make me come back there!

You wouldn't fit, fatso.

Oh, wouldn't I?

- [HOMER GRUNTING]
- [MARGE GASPS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

Maggie, are we good?

Oh, wow.

Why does this car always smell of cheese puffs?

Is someone sad-snacking when he drives alone?

It's not like I have anyone making me breakfast.

But we're almost home, so close your eyes.

There's a big surprise.

- Come on, close them.
- This is silly.

Close them!

Oh, Petal.

Surprise.

[GASPS] A man, for me?

No. I changed the locks, and I'm kicking you out.

But-but who gets Sir Winston?

His name is Poochini.

Very well. Poochini it is.

[LARGO GASPS]

That's all I ever wanted. I love you.