31x22 - The Way of the Dog

(BARKING QUIETLY)

♪ ♪

(YAPS)

(PANTING)

(SNIFFING)

(EXCITED GIBBERISH)

(SNIFFING)

(CHOMPS)

(PANICKY GASPING)

(SNIFFS)

(YAPS)

Who wants popcorn...

- Yay!
- Yay!

...to string and put on the Christmas tree?

- Oh.
- Ah, damn it.

(BOTH GROAN)

Mom, I made an ornament at Sunday school.

Oh, it's so... sticky.

The Popsicle juice represents Jesus's blood.

That would look so pretty on the back of the tree.

KRUSTY ORNAMENT: Do not put on tree.

May occasionally do this:

Beep! Beep!

Beep!

Ooh, look! An old Santa hat.

You know who would love to wear this?

No one.

The dog!

(BARKS, WHINES)

Quick! Lisa, take a picture.

I don't think he wants to take a picture.

(GRUNTS) Dogs... love... people clothes.

(SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER WHINES "UH-UH")

(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(EXCITED GIBBERISH)

Did you get a good picture?

I don't think so.

(REPEATS EXCITED GIBBERISH)

♪ ♪

(BARKING)

(GASPS) He's afraid of it.

No, he's not.

(GROWLS, BARKS)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Darn, we wasted three digital photos.

(WHINING)

Ugh. Well, suit yourself, spoilsport.

You're out of the card!

Don't worry, he's not out of the card.

- Can we be out of the card?
- Everyone's in the card!

Okay, but not like last year.

BART: Ay, caramba!

♪ Ah, jingle bell, jingle bell ♪

♪ Jingle bell rock, oh ♪

♪ Jingle bell rock and jingle bell rock ♪

♪ A-rockin' and rockin' ♪

♪ And words of the song ♪

♪ Looks like I parked on the lawn ♪

♪ Oh, giddyap, giddyap ♪

♪ Giddyap, let's go ♪

♪ There's mistletoe ♪

♪ There's kissin' to do ♪

♪ And lots to kiss. ♪

(GIGGLES) Marge, you're never gonna guess what I got you.

D'oh! Oh!

(MUTTERS)

Oh!

It ate my shorts!

Oh, now that it's happened, it's not so funny.

Homie, we have to talk about the difference between gifts and household supplies. Hmm?

Uh-oh.

LISA (GASPS): Oh, my God!

What's all the fu... (SCREAMS)

(GASPS) What the...

That dog better have a good explanation!

Um... I did it.

Hit me with the newspaper.

You know I get my news online.

Guys... what is Santa's Little Helper doing?

I think something is very wrong with him.

I think maybe we should take him to a dog psychologist.

Dog psychologist, eh?

Get off the couch. Get off.

Get off!

(HOWLS)

Dad, I know what you're thinking.

It's not that.

Elaine Wolff is giving a free lecture tomorrow night.

She's a legend.

Oh, not tomorrow.

Tomorrow's UFC fight .

Why do you care so much about one stupid fight?

'Cause he paid bucks to watch it.

(GASPS) bucks to watch a fight?

Actually, . I got it in HD.

We don't even have an HDTV.

I wanted the pay-per-view operator

to think I was a big shot.

(CRIES SOFTLY)

LISA (DISTORTED, ECHOING):
He's staring at that smudge...

smudge... smudge.

(DISTORTED, ECHOING):
What's wrong with that dog...

dog... dog?

GRAMPA: I need my pill...

pill... pill!

That's three pills!

♪ ♪

(BARKS)

(WHINING)

(CHUCKLES)

I love playing Candy Crush.

(GRUNTING)

Dad, I need to tell you something, but I've come to the sad conclusion that you have difficulty hearing the female voice.

Aw, I love you, too, honey.

(LOW GRUNT)

Therefore, I have deputized Bart to speak for me.

How you doin'?

"Father, I believe you're an honorable man."

(SPUTTERS) Really?

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

"In times of peril, you, um... even... event..."

(WHISPERS): "Eventually."

"...eventually do the right thing,

"but Santa's Little Helper is in crisis, and 'eventually' may be too late."

Aw. Well said, boy.

And, Lisa, for writing it, you win my highest honor, a hearty Homer hug. Mm.

Aw...

Now we party.

- (SNORTING)
- Ew!

Why do you eat candy that way?

- I already brushed my teeth.
- Oh.

_

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

(CLEARS THROAT) Good evening.

"The more I spend time with dogs, the more I realize that I entirely prefer them to people."

(LAUGHTER)

No, no, I'm serious.

I really despise you.

Despise us?
I... Hey, as the owner of a dog, a tiger and a dolphin, I am highly offended.

Highly!

Okay, first of all,

I hate that you call yourselves "owners."

You own living beings?

(SCOFFS) Nice.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

(PHONE RINGS)

(QUIETLY): Uh, hello?

Clayton, I can't talk right now.

I've left her.

I have left my wife.

What? Really?

You and I have loved each other since primary school.

She knew that, so I think she was relieved.

Oh, Clay.

I'd stopped allowing myself to hope.

But, uh... I think I got to call you right back.

No, no! Stay on the call.

We're invested.

I have to go. I'm giving a lecture.

Wait! Wait!

We're getting married, right?

Yeah, sure, sure, yeah, whatever.

Wait!

Oh. Yes.

You don't deserve dogs!

They sniff out your diseases and comfort you when you ride planes.

And I constantly hear: "How do I get my dog to listen?"

- Choke him till he taps out!
- Oh, good God!

Always what can your dog do for you.

Never once has somebody asked:

"What is my dog trying to say?"

Bad! Bad!

All of you, bad!

This was the worst extension class I ever took. My God.

It was even worse than flower arranging.

I mean, who can say where baby's breath should go?

Huh. Not I. Tell you that much.

Uh, ma'am...

- Down.
- (WHIMPERS)

It's okay. We're friendly.

Ma'am, I know you were once a young, inquisitive girl like me.

Mm, not like you, no.

I knew when to keep quiet.

(CRYING): Please.
My dog is having a breakdown.

So if these tears mean nothing to you...

(SOBBING)

...help our dog, or let's do this!

Hold my pearls!

Look, I'm sorry,

I just can't d...

(GASPS): Oh, my.

(WHINES, PANTS)

You poor boy.

You've got a story to tell.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Could you teach us to do what you do?

To see the world through his eyes?

Oh, not through his eyes.

That's the point.

A dog's dominant sense is smell.

(SNIFFS) He sees the world with his nose, and his nose sees so much more than our eyes.

For instance, we see a lamppost.

Your dog sees everyone who's ever been here.

♪ ♪

(EXCITED GIBBERISH)

- (THUNDER CRASHES)
- (GROANS)

Hmm. He really likes you.

He adores me. Knows I can help him.

Wants me to love him back.

But I can't.

A woman can only scoop so much poop.

Stay.

Good stay.

♪ ♪

Mm...

Come on, get to the part that helps us.

I'm trying. In the acknowledgements, she thanks all dalmatians!

Well, at least I can wash this filthy hat.

(GROWLS)

- Ow!
- (HOMER SHRIEKS)

(STAMMERING)

Bad dog! Very bad dog!

Crap dog!

(WHINING)

Lisa, quick! Get the first aid kit!

But we don't have a first aid kit.

- Look under the tree.
- Oh.

(WHINES)

Well, if he's staying outside, I'm staying outside.

You are not staying outside!

You are not the boss here!

Well, I am, and he paid me to tell you what to do.

This boy is sleeping outside.

Yes, sir.

(MARGE SIGHS)

- What are we going to do?
- Aw, no problem, sweetie.

There are a lot of dog doctors out there.

(HUMMING)

_

Hey. Hello.

Oh, look at this handsome guy.

What's up with you, fella?

Um, he bit my mom.

Oh, I see.
Well, we've had a cancellation, so if you like, we can just put him down right now.

- What?!
- No!

I-I don't think that's necessary.

Oh, no, I'm afraid once a biter always a biter.

Unless you, like, train 'em or something, but that's... that's crazy hard.

Would you like a minute to say goodbye?

No way. We're leaving.

And I don't even want to look at you.

Hmm. I feel like the Pixar logo.

- (CLATTERING)
- D'oh!

What are we going to do with the dog?

I guess he's just gonna have to stay in the doghouse

I built for him.

- D'oh!
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey-a, kids.
The vet reported your dog as a biter, so I'm supposed to wait until animal control gets here to take him away.

- (GASPS)
- What?

So, uh, well, while we wait, uh, you want to play Simon Says?

Simon says don't kill our dog.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm Simon.

(LAUGHS): You're-you're not Simon.

(MOANS) Dad! They're coming for our dog!

I won't let you, you... you big blue balloon.

Ooh, I like the image.
Hey, imagine me in a parade, huh?

Oh, boy.

Oh, darn it.

You call them and tell them we are not letting you take our dog.

I can't cancel.
They're already on the app.

It says they're six minutes away. See?

Uh-huh.

Oh, they missed a turn.

Oh, now they're doing a U-ey.

Geez, hope this guy euthanizes better than he drives.

Dad, quick, take our dog and drive as far and fast as you can.

- (WHISPERS): Yes, sir.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)


(ALL GASP)

Oh, God, it's too late.

Dr. Wolff?

Look, I need to tell you this one thing.

Something I saw in your dog's eyes.

He's at breaking point, and unless he has some kind of catharsis, something terrible could happen.

He bit my mom.

It is gratifying to be right.

Oh, how awful.

Animal control is coming to get him right now.

You can't stop them.
They got sticks with wire loops.

Kids, pack his things.

And I'll need this.
This dog is coming with me.

Well, I am not leaving here empty-handed.

- Make me a sandwich.
- No.

Okay, all right.

Being a police chief really sucks.

- Here you go.
- (SNIFFLES)

(MOANS)

Listen, I packed you some biscuits.

And even though I deplore the killing of all animals, when you come to the salami, it's from me.

(MOANS) Now who will chase squirrels with me?

(WHINES)

(SIREN WAILING)

(GROANS) You better get going.

Wait. I'm not an emotional guy, but...

Mwah.

(CHUCKLES) Get a doghouse, you two.

(DOGS BARKING)

Here. Have some Snausage water as you watch this video.

NARRATOR: Here at the Institute, there are no bad dogs.

In answer to the age-old question,

"Who's a good dog?" You are. You are.

Relax in our pile of wet dead leaves or enjoy fine dining at The Dropped Porkchop.

And here's our guarantee to you: no fireworks.

We'll have you feeling better in no time.

Well, uh, there's nothing physically wrong with you, but to establish trust, I'll sleep in your den tonight.

Well, a little bit of, uh, reading before bed? (CHUCKLES)

(SQUEAKING)

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪

(WHINES, BARKS)

"Dog having nightmare, perhaps about the root of it all."

♪ ♪

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(BARKS)

Oh, you poor thing.

Have some Lambien. It'll help you sleep.

(MOANS CONTENTEDLY)

Dad, am I gonna get my dog back?

(LAUGHS): Of course.

But just in case, I know this isn't the kind of thing a father says to his son, but let's pray.

Almighty patron saint of dogs, Saint Bernard...

- Oh, can I join in?
- Sure.

- I'll pray, too.
- Wow.

Losing our dog, possibly forever, has really brought us together.

No!

Sorry, sorry. Back to the prayer.

Okay, now I need to see what set you off.

How do you feel about Marge?

(SNIFFING, PANTING)

- (THUNDER CRASHES)
- (WHIMPERING)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SIGHS)

She is comfort. Hmm.

- So, what happened?
- CLAY: Elaine?

Hello?

The car is here. Tuscany awaits.

Oh, Clay.

Ugh, I should have called.

Darling, I've done something impulsive.

You know how Mother always wanted you to wear her ring, but she died at a time when we had no hope.

And in my heartache, I let them bury her with it.

So I dug her up and, uh, will you marry me?

I know "exhumed" isn't usually the most romantic word, but...

Oh, Clay. I can't marry you now.

But I can meet you in Tuscany in a few weeks.

I might not be there.

I can't compete with a wagging tail.

Goodbye, Clay.

I want you to know I'm already over you.

- (WHIMPERING)
- Oh, no, no, not your fault.

Human nonsense. Let's get back to work.

(CRIES)

Today, I want you to interact with the pack.

Mingle. Sniff a butt you don't know.

- (SNIFFING)
- (GROWLING)

- (BARKS)
- (YELPING)

Okay, interesting.

Let's explore that.

(WHIMPERING)

(BARKING)

You buried this here. Why?

Is this the key that unlocks your psyche?

Bark once for "yes," bark twice for "that's too simplistic a view of canine psychology."

(BARKS TWICE)

Oh, hi. Is that our dog?

(WHISPERS): Or one that looks just like it to fool the kids?

(GASPS) You're back! Aw.

Where did this come from?

Uh, I would have to say the North Pole?

Wait, Dad?
That was the hat I was wearing the night we got Santa's Little Helper, remember?

- Go! Go! Come on, boy!
- Go, Santa's Little Helper!

- Run! Run!
- Come on! Get that rabbit!

ANNOUNCER: Dog of War coming up fast on the outside...

Aw, can we keep him, Dad? Please?

But he's a loser. He's pathetic.

He's... a Simpson.

Santa's Little Helper was a racing dog?

(SCOFFS) Not much of one.
Even I could beat him.

Oh, it's all clear now.

Your dog has PTSD.

And he has to confront his abuser,

and he's gonna do it right now.

Actually, we're in the middle of a holiday brunch, so...

But I-I'm with you.

Uh, goodbye, everybody.

So, how many balls are we allowed of croquembouche?

Let's see if they have HBO GO.

I've wanted to watch Euphoria, but I'm embarrassed to have it in my viewing history.

Les Moore? Greyhound trainer?

- Yeah, that's me.
- Dog abuser!

Can I offer you a drink to throw in my face?

- Yeah, I'd like that.
- Yes, I bet you would.

I was being sarcastic, naturally.

(GRUNTS)

Not all trainers are monsters.

Yeah, I remember this mutt.
Uh, Santa's Little Helper.

Yeah! Hey, what'd you rename him?

- We didn't.
- Boy, are you lazy.

He was born to one of the fastest in the business, She Biscuit.

Oh, he was her favorite.

And boy, did he love her.

That's how we learned how fast he was.

So naturally, we took him from his mother forever.

- (LOUD SLAP)
- Did you just slap me again?

- That was me.
- You cut the line.

- I want to slap. (GRUNTS)
- Ow.

- (GRUNTING)
- Ow. Ow.

- Here, Maggie.
- Ow.

There. Now we've all had a turn.

- Not quite.
- (GROWLING)

Ow! Okay, I get it.

Boy, suddenly, the guy who tortures dogs is the bad guy.

(WHIMPERING)

Now what does he want?

("THE WAY WE WERE" PLAYING)

Son of a gun.

Where's he going?

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

To his, uh, to his mother.

Oh, I love happy endings.

♪ ♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Light the corners of my mind... ♪

He'll be all right now.
(CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES)

Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome.

(SIGHS) I better be getting home.

I've got dogs to walk. (CHUCKLES)

I could, uh, use some help.

(MARGE GRUMBLES SOFTLY)

Fine.

It's so great everyone in this family worked out their issues.

_

Shh.