02x12 - Season 2, Episode 12

(MELANCHOLY GUITAR MUSIC)

♪ Well, I don't know why I go

♪ When I go... ♪

George: They say that what you don't know can't hurt you.

That ignorance is bliss.

But ignorance is also a hand grenade...

..with the pin waiting to be pulled.

♪ All my wandering ways... ♪

OK, this is nice.

I thought we deserved a little luxury.

Oh, nice view!

Mine's even better.

Did I mention that I like it when you come over all romantic with your crazy plans?

What - you mean a kid-free weekend in the big smoke with a beautiful woman to introduce her to a true Australian icon?

James Reyne. In concert.

Could life get any better? Always. Champagne.

Room service.

True, although room service requires an appetite.

Not hungry? Could be.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, just... just hold that thought.

It's Arlo. Kid-free, huh?

Well, I told him not to call unless it was important.

Arlo?

Hey, do we have any sumac?

Sumac?

Yeah, sumac. You know, the spicy stuff?

Yeah, I know what it is, but why are you calling me on my weekend away from you guys to ask if I have sumac?

I know. It's just I swear we had some.

I don't think we do. There's some at the Boat Club.

Fiona says you can get some from the Boat Club.

Oh, cool! Alright. Ta!

You must be cooking something very flash if you need sumac.

You know, with the kitchen to myself, it's the perfect chance to experiment.

I don't think Shay is that big on sumac, actually.

Good to know. Uh, don't wanna disturb you any more. Bye.

Bye.

He wasn't suspicious? Well, why would he be?

He asked about the cooking. Dad knows I like cooking.

Yeah, but I'm supposed to be at Fiona's, and she's with him...

Relax - Dad is so distracted with your Aunty Fiona these days, he won't be picking up on that stuff.

OK, I thought you guys were going to Ike's place for the weekend.

Were we?

Yeah, to plot the downfall of Sean at the council over at Ike's place.

OK, but Ike's caravan is very cramped, so we thought we would just hang out with you guys instead.

No way. We had a deal.

OK, how about instead of three months, I don't have to do housework for six months?

OK, OK. We'll get out of your hair, bro.

Shh. I'm negotiating. Have fun.

Fine. We'll leave you two rebels to your lovefest.

Yeah, just not a word to anyone.

Don't worry. No-one ever need know, as long as you... use protection.

Oh, just go!

2x12

So, at this point, let's raise our glasses and take a moment to remember Norma.

Why?

Well, I remember her soft, sweet side.

The nurturer, the feeder.

To Norma!

Hey, Arlo! Come here.

Did George and Fiona get away on their dirty weekend?

Uh... they went to the concert, yes.

Yeah, and the rest, eh?

Woody! Don't embarrass the poor boy.

What? You're not embarrassed, are you?

Nothing embarrasses me anymore, and excuse me.

See? He's not embarrassed.

We need another round. I'll get it.

Sumac? Fiona said I could borrow some.

Why are you cooking all fancy if George and Fiona are out of town?

It's the perfect opportunity for me to practice my culinary skills.

Or you could be hanging out with kids your own age.

Why?

Because then you wouldn't sound so tragic and alone.

Well, I guess I am a tragic and alone kind of guy.

Alright, then. Knock yourself out, tiger.

They want another round. Thanks.

♪ So, I fell in love with a dream last night ♪
♪ Dream last night of you ♪
♪ We moved so fast down the open road ♪
♪ Felt like time was slowing down ♪
♪ And so she said Well, be here now ♪
♪ Now is all you need ♪
♪ And early in the morning when the sun came up ♪
♪ She said Feel a part of everything... ♪

Oh, good purchase.

Thank you very much. Oooh! Thank you.

I haven't done this for ages. What - indulge in ice-cream?

Not that ice-cream is an indulgence, being one of the necessary food groups.

No, snuck away, left the kids behind.

I mean, I love my children...

No-one would ever question that, George.

Now they're old enough to look after themselves, I can do stuff for myself, you know?

It's liberating.

Well, having never been a parent, I'll have to take your word for that.

Being an aunty, I've always been able to hand them back at the end of the day.

Well, I wouldn't have it any other way, but coming out the other side has its attractions.

Hey, sorry that took... Don't move!

Why are you on the chair? Because of that.

Whoa! Whoa, what is that?

I'm pretty sure it's a weta, but it's so big!

Well, is it dangerous? Look at it! It looks dangerous!

I thought there was nothing poisonous here.

Maybe the big ones are. Do something!

OK.

(PHONE RINGS)

It's Arlo again.

What were saying about freedom?

No, we don't have any saffron either.

Hey. Sorry to interrupt. Again.

Yes, again, but are you completely sure there are no venomous insects in New Zealand?

Positive. Why?

Well, there's a very large, very freaky thing on the chair.

Well, if it's an insect, it's probably a weta.

Right, and you're definitely sure they're not venomous?

(SCREAMS)

Who was that?

Uh... Shay. Didn't sound like Shay.

OK, it wasn't. It was... a friend.

A friend by the name of Emma, by any chance?

Fiona: Emma?

Arlo, what's going on?

Put her on.

It's Fiona.

Hello?

I assume your mother doesn't know that you're there.

She knows I'm in Weld. Uh-huh.

At your place. Wow. I am seriously unimpressed.

Sorry.

I should ring your mum right now. Please don't!

Well, lucky for you, you're in luck. I'm not going to. Do you know why?

Because she'll go totally mental?

Exactly, and I'll be involved, and I'm not having my holiday ruined by a thoughtless teenager.

Thank you?

What about the really scary insect?

It sounds like a damn weta, Emma.

Let it crawl onto something and then tip it off that something into the garden, and stop being a bloody wimp.

Do you want to go back? To Weld? No way.

We have a concert to go to and freedom to be enjoyed.

At least we know that all Arlo and Em are doing is cooking.

That's not all they're doing, but we do have a concert to go to.

Take me to your icon.

That was awesome. You really are an amazing cook.

Well, there's dessert if you're keen.

Definitely... but, um, first...

Uh... you know I really like you, right?

And I really like you.

Cool.

Uh... there's something I need to ask.

What?

(CAR APPROACHES)

What is that? Is that the question?

No. (LAUGHS) But, yes, what is that?

(CAR DOORS SLAM, ROCK MUSIC BLARES)

Uh, I don't know, but it is coming from our driveway.

(ROCK MUSIC BLARES)

Uh, why are you here? For the party.

There's no party here. Yes, there is.

We wanted to stop you being so tragic and...

Oh. Not so alone after all.

Obviously. So, you can just take your party somewhere else.

But your dad's not here. Yeah. So?

So, you have a license to party. No, I don't.

No, you have to. It's law. What law?

Numpty law. Unwritten but non-negotiable. Sorry!

Arlo says, "Bring it on!"

(CHEERING)

Respect, Arlo. Cheers, mate.

Thanks a lot.

(DRIVING ROCK MUSIC)

No, you can't use my bed just because it's better than yours.

Alright, funny - not!

Listen, a spontaneous party has descended on home.

What do you mean?

Well, Ollie and Lindsay, they just kind of arrived.

The Numpties! Classy.

What do you want me to do about it?

Maybe come and kick them out.

Arlo, you wanted the house to yourself. It's your responsibility.

Yeah, but...

Do you really want to be the guy who asked his big sister to come and shut it down?

Do you want to be that tragic guy?

Yeah, I'm OK with tragic. Not that tragic.

Look, relax, enjoy the party, and try not to break stuff.

(ROCK MUSIC BLARES)

Hey. Everything all good?

My brother is socially challenged.

Well, maybe he should get a job with Sean at the council.

Are you guys still at war?

OK, we filled out the application form, right?

To create the mural.

We were supposed to hear back in three days. It's been nine.

Stalling tactics. So, what can we do?

Call him on it. Go in there and tell him his job's on the line.

How is his job on the line? He's a civil servant.

You, the citizens, pay his wages, and because of that, you have rights.

Yeah. Without us, he has no job. Exactly.

He's a bureaucrat - paid to lubricate the wheels of civic opportunity.

I like your thinking, Zac.

Sean is your servant, and servants do as they're told.

Boy: Oh, good shot!

Kids: Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

Hey, Arlo. Ollie.

Where's Shay? Uh, at Ike's.

Oh, yeah? How are they getting on?

Uh, they're fine. No, really. How's she getting on?

Fine, Ollie.

'Cause I don't think Ike is right for Shay, if you know what I mean.

I need a glass of water.

Hey. Hey. Come with me. Over here.

Well, you're enjoying yourself. I am!

Lindsay's fun, in a screwed-up kind of way.

Arlo, what are you doing?

Do you want to mess around in your dad's bed?

That's kind of adventurous.

I just think you might be a bit drunk right now.

But I came here to be with you, so let's be with each other.

(FACETIME RINGS)

Ignore it.

Uh... hey, let's not do this, you know, like this.

If you say so. What do you want to do instead?

Go back to the party?

Uh, no, no, um... well, tell me what you were gonna ask me before.

(FACETIME RINGS)

Wow. That sound is weirdly intense.

So, the question... the thing is...

(FACETIME CONTINUES RINGING)

No! Shh, weird sound! Oh, it's Aunt Jan.

She'll want to speak to your dad, not you.

Uh, yeah, but... Oh, what were you saying?

Oh, yeah.

The thing is, I really like you.

You said, and me too.

Oh, yeah.

(FACETIME RINGS)

Oh! What does she want?

(PRESSES BUTTON)

Hey, Jan.

Arlo, hi. Nice to see you.

Uh, yeah, you too. What's up?

Oh, nothing. I was just hoping to catch George. Is he...?

He's gone to Auckland for the weekend to see James Reyne.

James Reyne? Phew! That takes me back.

Well, he's trying to convert Fiona.

Of course.

Yeah, well, it can wait. Nothing important.

Are you sure? You did ring three times.

I did. Silly me.

It was just... about...

His column?

Yes. His last column was very good.

You do know it was about the physics of the perfect wave, right?

Yeah, it was just... so moving. (CRIES)

OK, well, I'll pass that on.

OK, great. Thanks. Bye.

OK.

Hey, you need to come home right now.

Arlo, they're your friends. Deal with it.

No, listen, you have to come home, and without Ike.

Why? Just do it.

To James Reyne, my second-favourite Australian icon.

You're a convert? I'm a convert.

That song 'Reckless' - always loved it, never knew who sung it.

Mmm. If ever there was a song to make an Aussie homesick.

Mmm.

Maybe I'll give Arlo a quick call.

They're teenagers, George.

Did you never tell a white lie when you were a teenager?

Well, it was a bit more than a white lie.

They'll be fine, and it's our weekend away.

I guess.

So... a movie, or room service, or...

Mmm. Could make us sleepy. Mmm.

Which would prevent us from taking advantage of this wonderful hotel.

Yeah, and that would be a travesty.

(DANCE MUSIC BLARES)

Emma's made a new friend.

Yep, and now, thanks to Lindsay, she's blind drunk.

This is quite a party you've put together, little brother.

Big ups. Forget this.

This is nothing.

OK, maybe she's put on weight.

Shay, that is not a beer gut.

That's... a baby bump, right?

Could be bloating? What's bloating?

I don't know! Middle-aged people always moan about it.

Well, she FaceTimed three times, and then cried over Dad's column about stupid waves.

That is not Jan.

That is a woman crazy with hormones.

No way.

She's gotta be pregnant, and if she is, you know what that means, right?

Do you think Dad knows?

(CRASH!)

What the...

OK, that was so intense.

All good, folks, but, uh, stay back.

What the hell happened?

Oh, bit of a barbecue malfunction.

The gas bottle must've had a leak.

Don't worry, though.

Peak danger has passed and I can hold it until the boys arrive.

Hey, Shay. How's it going? Wait, what boys?

(SIREN WAILS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Man: (PHONE) George? I'm happy to report it's all under control.

Monty?

We managed to put the fire out before we damaged your house.

Fire?!

Although because it's a gas fire, we've had to deploy the foam unit, which, I have to say, was a total success.

Don't get to use the foam very much, but it really was really effective - and fun!

Monty? Monty!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Sorry to disturb you, but as Emma's appointed guardian in Weld, I felt you should know.

Know what?

That she's fine - now.

She was drunk, bordering on disorderly, and is now sleeping it off.

Sorry, did you just say 'drunk'?

Oh, very much, yes.

I will kill her.

I swear I will kill her.

You, miss, are going home to face the music.

I expected more, I really did.

OK, yeah, I'm sorry, Dad, but we were...

No, no, just listen.

I thought you two were old enough to leave alone and handle things responsibly, but you let me down.

OK, yes, fair enough, and I am sorry, but we were distracted.

By what? Well, something quite distracting.

Is that the best you've got?

It... it is something quite big.

And this is after she was weeping - yeah, apparently over your wave column.

That... bump could be anything.

Dad, she was crying for no reason, and don't say it was because of your column, because we all know that isn't true.

I remember Mum telling me she cried a lot for no reason when she was pregnant with Arlo.

She hasn't said anything? Uh-uh.

Well, maybe that's why she was calling.

Or maybe something's happened that has got her upset.

And also given her a fat belly.

Dad, if Jan is pregnant... Which we don't know she is.

Yeah, but if she is, then it's yours.

Best we find out.

Oh, please say you're gonna be careful how you word this.

Oh, yeah, Dad, asking a woman if she's pregnant is very dangerous, or so I've heard.

Yeah, got that much, and by the way, this does not deflect from what happened here last night.

So, in the meantime, go out and clean up your mess.

Your mess.

(FACETIME RINGS)

Hi, George!

Taylor-Rose! I was hoping for Jan.

She's out of the office again.

Right. She's at the doctor's.

Is she unwell?

I don't know how much I can say. Why not?

Because her last words before she left were, "If George calls, don't say anything to him."

She specifically said that?

Something about trying to call you last night when she was a real mess.

Her words, not mine.

So, does this mean it's yours?

I mean, she's pregnant, right? Everyone can tell. It's obvious.

And Dr Chan, he's a baby doctor.

So, is it yours, or did she meet someone when she was over there?

Hello?

Um... no, she hasn't spoken to me.

Oh, well, you're not after an extension on your deadline, are you?

Because she gets really cranky these days.

No, I'm not, thank you, Taylor-Rose.

(CALL DISCONNECTS)

It appears that Jan may indeed be... pregnant.

You spoke to her?

No, but the evidence is there.

So... the baby will be yours, then?

I...I guess that is probably likely.

'Probably'? Has she got a new boyfriend.

Not that I know of, but she... she was having an affair with her boss before she came to Weld, so...

So, it could be his, then? Well, I don't know.

I know as much as you do, which is not that much.


Jan: (PHONE) Hi. You've called Jan. Please leave me a message.

Voicemail.

I think we should keep this to ourselves until I find out a bit more, alright?

Yeah, so, I shouldn't mention it at work, at the Boat Club, which is where I need to go soon, to Fiona?

That might be best, yeah.

Great.

I'll finish cleaning up.

Yeah.

I'll give you credit for showing up.

It is my job. For now.

Meanwhile, guess what I've been doing.

Well, you drove Emma back to Stafford.

Mmm, and then I cleaned the puke out of my car.

She threw up three times.

It had a strange lemony-spicy smell.

I couldn't place it, and then I realised it was sumac.

Well, thanks for that, by the way.

And then I cleaned out my ears from the grief my sister gave me for delivering home a very grumpy and green-around-the-gills niece.

OK, honestly, it was meant to be a quiet night at home and we were gate-crashed by Lindsay.

And she just happened to know that you were home and George was away?

Well, this is Weld. People find things out.

You can try to hide stuff, but it never works.

Yeah, well, lesson learnt.

But you can kiss goodbye to any more secret meetings with Emma, because knowing my sister, she's gonna be in lockdown now until she's 21.

I take full responsibility for not shutting down the party, yes, but I didn't get Emma drunk.

I'm not into that. Too late, Arlo.

We were hijacked! Well, what's done is done.

I just hope you're more onto it about other things.

Like what?

Taking precautions.

Oh, no, please. We've already had that lecture.

Good, because my sister would put your head on a pike, and secondly, you'd probably break your father's heart.

I don't recall receiving an application form for the permit.

We filled it in right there and placed it exactly there, so how could you not have received it?

You put it in this tray here? Yes.

But that's not the right tray to reach the permitting officer.

That tray is the in-tray for intra-office communication.

In order to reach me for permitting issues, it would have to have been put in this tray - the external communication in-tray.

How were we to know that? By asking me.

There was no-one here when we put it in the tray.

Our understaffing issues aside, you'll have to fill out another.

This is deliberate obstruction.

No, it's offering you an opportunity to rectify your mistake.

No, you should remember that we are the people you are paid to serve.

We pay your wages. Unlikely, unless you're rate-payers.

Are you a rate-payer? You? Are you a rate-payer?

Our parents are. Not quite the same, is it?

You'll have to fill this out.

Can you just find the one that we already filled out?

That would mean going through all the in-trays.

I don't have time for that.

This time, put it where I can see it.

Where you can see it?

Yes.

Jan: (PHONE) Hi. You've called Jan. Please leave me a message.

(SIGHS) Damn.

Hiya, mate. Oi. Woody.

Heard about the fire, mate. Thought I'd come scope out the damage.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

No, honestly, I'm happy to do a builder's report for insurance or whatever you need.

It's fine.

I had a bit of a gander on the way in and it does not look good...

Woody, we're all good, OK?

Gotcha. Stressful time. Maybe I'll come back later.

Sure.

Oh, Woody. Hey! How was the concert?

James Reyne. What an icon.

Concert was great.

Yeah. Shame you had to come back early, but.

Oh, teenage antics.

Oh, well. We were all teenagers once.

Sometimes I still feel like I am a teenager.

(PHONE RINGS)

Are you gonna get that?

Oh, no, it'll just be work stuff. I'll call them back.

Jan? Uh... yeah, probably.

Woody's here to assess the damage. What?

(PHONE CONTINUES TO RING)

Yeah. Yeah.

Shall we go take a look? Yeah.

Kids, eh?

That could've been a whole lot worse.

I'm telling you, if the flames had've got a hold of the house...

Yeah, I know, I know. Be thankful for small mercies.

Yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

You don't wanna get that?

Oh, she's probably just chasing up the column. It can wait.

Well, I'm gonna love youse and leave youse.

Hey, I'll see if I can track down a new barbie for you, mate.

Don't worry about that. What?

A man without a barbie is like... a pram without a baby.

Yeah, thanks, Woody. No worries.

So...

OK, I think we need to have a bit of a talk.

Uh-huh.

I gave Arlo a bit of a lecture about what happened and I may have overstepped the mark.

Oh... I'm sure it'll be fine.

No, I mean, I may have come over as slightly parental, which I know is not my role.

Arlo will see it for what it was.

I didn't mean to blur the lines of the relationship.

Don't worry yourself.

George, I reprimanded your child. It's not my place.

You were affected by his actions. You are entitled to express that.

Oh... OK.

Are you sure?

Look, come for dinner tonight. We can talk about it some more.

You don't want to talk now? Well, I've got to get back.

Oh, Jan, right. Deadlines.

Tonight, then. It's a date.

Jan: (PHONE) Hi. You've called Jan. Please leave me a message.

Arggh!

Hi. What do you want?

Things got a bit out of hand, eh? Oh, yeah. Thanks for that.

I was just making sure your social standing in Weld was good, and after that, it is officially solid.

I really don't care.

Come on!

With the barbecue exploding, the fire brigade coming, and the police, it's been rated a ten-out-of-ten party.

Lindsay, I really don't care. You ruined my weekend.

I really wanted to have fun with Emma and you screwed that up.

But Emma had fun. She's cool.

Yeah, she is, and now she's under house arrest, and I really don't want or need your social approval.

Maybe not.

Remember, though, that Emma isn't around much of the time, but I am, and I'm fun, right?

No, no, no, no, I'm not playing your games anymore, Lindsay, 'cause I am not interested in following you around like the stupid puppy dog I used to be.

You know, you're cute when you speak your mind.

You have no idea what is on my mind.

Uh-huh. Well, I'm sorry. No, you're not.

You know, my whole world is totally messed up right now, so you can just back off.

I get that this is a great idea... It is.

..but it may be too great.

Art can never be too great.

Are you alright? Yeah, sorry, it's just...

All we're doing is filling in the form like we were told to.

What could be so wrong with that?

(MACHINERY WHIRRS)

Hi, Jan. It's me again.

It would be really, really good if you gave me a call.

(FACETIME RINGS)

This is not how I wanted you to find out, I promise.

So, it's true, then?

Yes, George, it's true. I'm pregnant.

Were you planning on telling me?

Yeah, of course I was gonna tell you.

It's just, to be fair, I didn't find out for weeks, and then there was a period of getting used to the idea, and then there was a period of summoning the courage.

So, how far along are you?

You mean, are you the father?

It's a fair question, isn't it?

Yes, George. You could be.

Could?

Oh, God! This is awkward.

OK, so, um... I kind of had break-up s*x with Steve the night before I came to Weld, so he could also be the one.

I see.

Ironically, his wife is pregnant, that being the main reason we called it off.

Wow! Yeah.

Then again, on the other hand, it could...

There's someone else?

Oh, my goodness, I sound like I'm such a hussy, but I swear I'm not!

There is a third possible father?

You remember Guy Fawkes Night after we broke up?

Well, I was feeling kind of lonely and rejected, and, well...

('RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES' BY WAGNER PLAYS)

(SCREAMING)

So, I hear you're single again.

You slept with Zac?

It was more like five seconds in the sand dunes.

But... We'd broken up.

That afternoon. Oh, my god. Maybe I am a hussy!

This is starting to feel surreal.

You know what, I blame Weld. I do.

There is something in the water there.

Well, is there any way we can find out who the father is for sure?

The father? No, no, no.

I'm not having one of those invasive procedures where they stick a giant needle into where my babies are growing just so you guys can sleep easy.

No, I will find out who the father is after they're born.

'They'?

'Babies'?

Twins, George. Yeah, I'm having twins.

Twins for my sins.

Have you told Zac?

No, but now the cat's out of the bag, yeah, I suppose I should call him.

But here's the thing, George.

No matter what happens, I'm doing the kids thing on my own.

So, who the father is, it's important, but it's not significant.

It doesn't really matter right now. What?

No, it DOES matter.

Whatever happens, those kids need to know who their father is.

And besides that, surely you can't hide this from Steve.

I told him they're not his.

So, you know that much.

No, but it's best he thinks that. He's got more to lose than I do.

I have to go.

What? No, no, we've got way more to discuss here.

No. I have to GO.

I have two babies pressing down on my bladder.

This is the stuff they don't tell you about.

Take care, George.

This is a big mess, I know.

(CALL DISCONNECTS)

(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)

Woody: Thought I'd find you down here.

Went up to the house - the car was gone, and your board, and I thought, "I bet George has gone for a surf."

Very perceptive. Yeah.

And I thought, "That's a bit weird, 'cause the surf forecast was crapola," but here you are.

I am.

Hey. Found you a new barbie, mate.

Oh, thanks, Woody.

It's nothing much, but it'll work.

Probably won't explode or anything.

Well, that's good.

Last thing I need is another explosion.

Gee! That surf is really crap!

Yep.

I admire your optimism, mate.

I came here to think.

Ahh. Thinking time. Bit of me time. I get that.

Jan's pregnant. Jan's pregnant. What?!

Jan's pregnant?

Well, I can see how that could take some thinking!

This is an illegal act.

How is it illegal?

He hasn't filled in the form.

Uh, I AM filling it in.

You told me put it where you can see it, and, uh... yep, you're seeing it.

No, it isn't THE form. Tell him.

Well, it looks like a form.

No, it's an artistic expression of a form, which can't be allowed until the non-artistic version of THE form has been correctly filed.

Right.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some actual police work to do.

You're on your way to buy a pie! Important police work.

That's my boy! Rattling the cage and pushing through the barricades.

He's making sure you don't lose it, like the last one.

It doesn't work like that. Oh, back off, Sean!

He's just doing what he was told to do.

But not correctly. A form's a form, Sean.

Not if it's on a wall, Brenda. And it's my wall and I like it.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello, Jan. How's it going?

Three guys?

Wow! Who knew Jan was...

They're mine. Well, you sound sure.

'Cause I am.

Yeah, but if there's three candidates, what makes you the one?

Because they're twins. And...

Twins run in my family on my mother's side.

Oh, I can see how that might be a sign...

You know, the weird thing is kids have been a highlight of my life.

I love my kids, but mine are almost ready to spread their wings, and if Jan's kids are mine, then...

Yeah, it kind of throws you back to the beginning.

..I'll be starting all over again.

Yeah, but I mean, it's a bit late to be thinking about that.

On a fundamental level, s*x equals babies, mate.

If you don't wanna be having babies, you gotta put a tarp on it, otherwise it's just a bit... reckless.

Did you not put a tarp on? I did.

Good. Except for the first time.

Oh, George! It was unexpected.

But that's all it takes, mate, is one time!

Yeah, well, thank you, Woody. Right now I am keenly aware of that.

Brenda: Why do I need a permit to paint my own wall?

Because otherwise, Brenda, there will be visual anarchy.

Well, that's not a phone call you get every day.

In fact, it's only the fourth time I've ever had it.

What?

I'm gonna be a father again. Jan's pregnant.

To you. Twice, really. She's having twins.

Hey, son! You're gonna have little brothers or sisters or one of each.

What?!

Wait, you slept with Jan? Only once.

But she was with my dad. No, they'd called it off by then.

Twins? Nothing wrong with twins.

I've never had them before, although I do wonder what the child support implications are.

And you had the nerve to lecture me about getting pregnant and trapping Ike!

That was completely different. How?

It just is. How?

Well, for starters, I'm part of a possible trifecta of fathers - me, Steve, and your dad.

Sean: Steve, the barman from the RSA?

No, Steve, her married boss she was having an affair with in Sydney.

Oh! Told you Jan had a wild side.

You did. But it'll be me.

My swimmers are very strong, and it was Guy Fawkes Night, and on the GFN, you shoot and... you score.

Twins. Yeah. Cool, huh?

Um... Uh... well...

If the little tykes are yours, will Jan move back here, or will you have to go back to Sydney?

Currently neither. Jan doesn't want the father involved.

What? No, no, no. That won't do.

That's what she wants. Well, how do you feel about that?

Woody, I feel a lot of things at the moment.

Most would be best labelled as 'overwhelmed'.

The thought of having kids that I didn't contemplate is just...

Weird, eh?

May not be up to me is all I'm saying.

Yeah, but you should have some say, George.

Well, until there's some certainty, how can I have a say?

Well, for what it's worth, I reckon she should move back here.

Weld is a great place to raise kids, and I am more than happy to whack another room on the house, or two.

Sean: All I'm saying is that if everyone painted what they wanted to on their walls, Weld would be an ocular fiasco.

Brenda: It's still my wall.

Sean, customer.

Hi. Ta.

Katie.

Your ex is something, isn't he?

Sorry? Zac.

What about him? It was just the one time too.

The one time what? Brenda, that is gossip.

No, it's not. It's out in the open now, so it's fact.

But it's also partially gossip in that Jan cannot say with any certainty that Zac is the one.

The one what?

He seemed pretty sure, and it is Zac.

True, yes, he has form, but that doesn't mean we can discount George and Steve in Sydney.

What on earth are you two talking about?

Twins? Yeah, cool, eh?

So, are you actually gonna be around this time?

Well, hey, that's not entirely fair.

Oh, have you heard? Mr Fertile's struck again.

Yeah, I just heard, but I also heard there were other contenders.

But they'll be mine. It was Guy Fawkes Night.

What other contenders?

George, and some other guy from Aussie.

But it'll be me, and for the record, I am an awesome father.

Yeah, except for at the beginning with all the hands-on stuff.

Am I right? That is true.

Yeah, well, luckily this time, Jan wants to do all that stuff herself, so I'll just swoop on in when they need a male role model.

What? That's what she wants.

I can't even believe you went there.

George and Jan were over for, like, five minutes and you were in like Flynn.

It was Guy Fawkes Night.

Eugh!

Of course, on top of all this, how am I gonna tell Fiona?

Yeah, that is a tricky one.

I mean, I really like her. There's something special there.

Mmm. And now this? This can't help that.

Having kids to an old relationship when you're in a new relationship?

I'm guessing that's a bit of a minefield.

So, in the interests of courtesy, I'd really appreciate you keeping this quiet, at least till I've had a chance to speak to Fiona.

Look, I'm not a big fan of secrets, but sometimes a secret is a piece of information waiting to find its place in the world.

Yeah.

And until then, it needs to just stay hidden, and if you need a guardian to look after that information, then, yeah, I'll take that on for you, no questions asked.

You mean the secret's safe with you?

I couldn't have put that better myself, mate.

Now, come on, bring it in.

Don't stress out. Thanks, Woody.

Let me know when you want me to get started on those extensions.

See you.

How's things? Fine. I'm almost done.

And at home? Home's fine. Why?

Good! Cool.

But it must be pretty intense, finding out about the, you know...

"The, you know"? You know. The Jan thing.

Oh! How do you...

It must be pretty weird, right?

Like everything I've ever known as normal is about to be rewritten.

How did you hear about it?

Arlo, this is Weld. Do I need to say more?

Everyone knows about the Jan thing.

What Jan thing?

Hey. Dad.

Hi. What do you think?

It's set for two people.

Yes.

So, would you prefer it if we were somewhere else?

Thanks, yes.

Fiona's coming over. I need to break the news.

Where have you been all day?

Went to the beach to do some thinking.

That makes sense.

Dad, you don't need to tell Fiona.

You didn't. No, I didn't.

Dad, we live in Weld. The whole town's already talking about it.

Oh.

Who's paying for this?

I believe this round is on Zac. Says who?

I think it'd be a manly gesture, in keeping with your unquestionable virility.

Round of drinks says a lot about a man.

Yeah, that he just got paid.

It's gonna be a statement that you are still Weld's king of impregnation.

Well, that's never been in doubt.

Or not, now you've got a challenger for that mantle in George Turner.

Or this Aussie Steve bloke.

No, it's mine. My shout.

Steady on a second. Where'd you get that crap from?

I mean, whatever crap it is that youse are talking about.

Two more kids. Imagine the horror.

Woody, where have you been all day?

Well, I've been finding a new unexploding barbie for George.

So, you've spoken to him? Yeah, about barbecues and stuff.

Four kids in total. Living hell.

They're not his, Bill! So, he didn't mention this?

Mention what? About Jan being pregnant.

Utter living hell.

Hang on, how do we know that this isn't just idle speculation, huh?

Who even says that Jan's pregnant?

Well, Susie told me. Oh, yeah - gossip!

I heard it from Billy, who heard it from Ike.

Absolute rubbish.

Zac told me. And I heard it from Jan, so...

I gotta take a slash. Well, I think it's a great thing.

Couple of little additions to the metropolis of Weld.

How that that be a bad thing?

Be good for the school roll, eh, Tracey?

Eventually.

Yeah, and real estate prices always go up when demand exceeds supply.

Excellent long-term view, Dad.

I'm here for the long-haul, sweetie, and like Zac, kids keep you young when you're growing old.

Here's to population growth.

Thank you, Zac.

Or George, or that Steve guy from Sydney.

No, they're mine.

Does Fiona know? Yep.

Ouch! Yeah.

Does Fiona know what?

At my age, when you're the youngest, you think you will always be the youngest.

It's kind of programmed into my brain.

Well, get unprogramming, not-so-little bro.

Once we were two, soon to be four.

Well, unless it's Zac's, or Steve whoever.

God, imagine if Mum was here.

If Mum was here, this wouldn't have happened.

True that.

You know what's really, really weird?

What can be weirder than our dad starting a new family?

Well, that he's seemed happier just recently more than at any time since Mum died.

Don't you think?

And now this.

And now this.

♪ Meet me down by the jetty landing ♪
♪ Where the pontoons bump and spray ♪
♪ All the others, reading, standing... ♪

George: They say that what you don't know can't hurt you.

That ignorance is bliss.

But ignorance is also a hand grenade with the pin waiting to be pulled.

And when it's pulled...

There will be a heap of pain.

♪ She don't like that kind of behaviour ♪
♪ She don't like... ♪

So... what are you gonna do?

♪ Throw down your guns ♪
♪ Don't be so reckless... ♪