01x01 - New York, New Nanny

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So then my dad, who's in the Marine Corps, practically blew his flat top when I told him I was moving to New York.

But he chilled when I told him I had a great job.

Do you know where I could find a great job?

All right, someone needs some alone time.

Wait, my wallet's gone!

Someone must have stolen it.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I don't suppose I could pay you in lip gloss and breath mints?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

They're wintergreen.

[GRUNTS]

That was rude!

Ha, ha, you missed me!

Whoa, you must be a really bad tipper.

I'm Tony.

I'm Jessie.

And I'm guessing this is yours?

Oh, thank you sweetie.

That's just my slingshot.

She doesn't know it's a bra.

[SCREAMING]

Bye, Nanny.

Whatever your name was!

Hey, Jessie, you want to be my new nanny?

Oh, thank you sweetie.

But I didn't come all the way from Fort Hood in Texas to be a baby sitter.

I came to New York to follow my dreams, 'cause this is where dreams come true!

Yeah, right.

Until then, I like my grilled cheese cut in triangles, and my tutus starched.

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy the ground're shaking ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day

Look, Bertram, I found a new nanny in the street.

Can we keep her?

If she doesn't poop on the floor, it's fine with me.

Wait, don't you want to ask me any more questions?

Do you poop on the floor?

No!

Congratulations!

You just made the first cut.

Wait here, the parents will be home soon to interview you.

All this, and all I have to do is take care of one cute little girl!

[SCREAMING]

Luke, give me back my moon!

No way!

I need it for my solar system!

I'll show you a moon.

[GRUNTING]

Okay, okay!

[CHOKING]

[COUGHING]

Stop it! Stop!

Ravi!

Emma!

Please tell me those kids are in the wrong apartment.

[SCREAMING]

Those are my brothers and sister.

Or as I call them, the nanny K*llers.

Stop it!

Luke, Emma, please!

v*olence is never the solution.

Oh!

To heck with the non-v*olence!

I am on you like stripes on a tiger!

[SCREAMING]

Yeah!

Stop!

I'm the good child.

Make me brownies.

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

Uh, hey, release!

Release!

Stop it!

Huh, usually works with the dogs back home.

Hello, I'm Luke, and you are?

Way too old for you.

Do you kids fight like this in front of your parents?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Sometimes, but they never come up for air long enough to notice.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Their parents are Morgan and Christina Ross?

The famous movie director and supermodel turned business mogul?

No, they're sheep farmers.

Hey, guys.

We missed you so much!

And we brought presents!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

[LAUGHING]

Not for you.

This isn't Oprah.

This is Jessie.

I want her to be our new nanny.

[EXCLAIMS] So do I.

Nanny Kay quit?

Did she say anything before she left?

She said you'd be hearing from her lawyers.

And then she said...

[SCREAMING]

Who wants to see the cool toy that George Lucas gave me?

All: Me!

Whoa!

Is that a real lightsaber?

Of course not!

It's just a prop.

[SWISHING]

Awesome!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, maybe we better go let that Ewok out of the toy chest.

Let's go!

All: Yeah!

Emma, how's your science fair project coming?

I don't care what those judges said last year.

I loved your glitter volcano.

Mount Fabulous?

Thanks, Mom.

But this year's gonna be even better.

I got a clipboard and everything.

I'm gonna be super science-y.

Okay, Daddy and I will be back tomorrow in time for your science fair.

But first, we have to fly to the set of Galactopus Two.

[GASPS] I loved the original Galactopus.

It is the best giant radioactive space octopus movie of all time.

Well, according to our security team, you're a straight-A student, a universal blood donor, which could come in handy with our kids, and you have a squeaky clean record.

Uh, except for once in third grade, you went to the bathroom without a hall pass.

If you tasted that cafeteria food, you'd completely understand.

Armadillo does not go down easy.

[SIGHS]

Whatcha doin'?

Just getting a read on you.

I have made a fortune trusting my instincts.

That and slappin' my name on everything from sunglasses to cat food.

You're hired!

[GASPS] Really?

Yeah.

Thank you! Oh!

Hey, mom, can I date the new nanny?

Let me think about it. No!

Oh, well, ours will be a forbidden love.

Starting now.

Hey, babe!

Ready for our date?

We don't have a date.

But I instructed Bertram to make us boeuf bourguignon.

With extra boeuf.

Just hold your boeuf!

From now on, we're all going to have dinner together.

Hey!

As a family.

Ew, no! I can't eat and look at Luke at the same time.

And, Jessie, don't you think having a bunch of kids on our date is kinda going to k*ll the mood?

Zuri, time for dinner.

I'm already eating dinner with my friend, Millie the Mermaid.

Zuri has imaginary friends.

Well, I like my friends real.

Especially my lady friends.

Well, if Millie can flop downstairs, she's welcome to come eat with us.

Thank you, but she won't do that.

Luke makes her uncomfortable.

What?

Ravi, time for dinner!

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Why? Is there some imaginary monster behind the door?

[HISSING]

[SCREAMING]

That's Mr. Kipling.

Yeah, Ravi's giant razor-toothed lizard.

But I'm not allowed to have a pony?

That is cold!

I cannot believe you excluded Mr. Kipling from our family dinner.

Mr. Kipling is the only thing Ravi brought from India when we adopted him last month.

Oh, so I couldn't board the plane with four ounces of shampoo.

But he gets to carry on a velociraptor!

So, isn't this nice?

Would anyone like to share about their day?

I guess that's a no.

Now can I go upstairs and finish my science project?

[SIGHS] Okay, fine.

I must leave, too.

When Mr. Kipling is alone, he gets scared.

Of what?

I'm out, too.

This date was a total waste of clean underwear.

TMI, and go do your homework.

Uh, you're not the boss of me.

Actually, I kind of am.

Oh, someone's about to flip the table.

Well, you know what, babe?

That doesn't work for me.

In fact, that's it.

This relationship is over!

And to think, you coulda had all this.

He's delusional.

Oh, look who I'm talking to.

A girl who thinks mermaids are real.

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

Well, I meant...

Millie the Mermaid is real!

No, no, no, Zuri.

No, no, no, no!

Last time I pick a nanny up out of the gutter!

Okay, I made everyone cookies.

And, where did everyone go?

Don't know, don't care.

I think they might have run away because they hate you.

What?

Why would you think that?

This note I found.

"We're running away because we hate you."

I read between the lines.

Oh, and look, the "h" in "hick" is backwards.

It's adorable.

I can't lose all of the kids on my first day!

Wh... What are their parents going to say?

I have no idea.

But I say, "Well done."

[SIGHS] Can't believe they all signed this mean note.

Even the mermaid!

I was going to sign it too but the pen is...

It's so far away.

Tony! Have you seen the kids?

Nah, I don't really pay much attention to who comes in and out of here.

They ran away!

I lost four kids in two hours!

That's gotta be some kind of record!

Oh, they're out there, somewhere...

They're on the roof.

What?

Playing in their dad's helicopter.

What?

Oh, this is bad! This is bad!

This is bad! This is bad!

[LAUGHING]

I cannot believe you kids actually went up in that helicopter!

We were only a few feet in the air.

I was dangling from the landing skids!

Oh, oh, you think this is funny!

Not as funny as your hair.

[LAUGHING]

You know what? That's it!

Everyone, drop and give me 20!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Hey, and that includes Millie the Mermaid.

[LAUGHING]

All right, if anybody eyeballs me, they're going in the hole!

Do we have a hole?

Have you seen my room?

Ravi? Ravi!

Hey, I'm sorry I upset Mr. Kipling.

So I made him some chicken fried crickets.

That is very kind, but Mr. Kipling is still a seething cauldron of anger.

So I see.

Stupid video game!

It is like eating hot curry!

I love it, but I always get b*rned in the end.

Cyborg Renegades?

Just use the frag r*fle.

Eat lead, metal head!

Not you, you should never eat lead.

Electronic voice: Oh!

Both: Yes!

[LAUGHING]

That is brilliant!

Here, you try.

I'm gonna go, uh, give Mr. Kipling his snack.

Uh-oh.

Ravi! Ravi!

Consume lead, robotic ruffians!

Help! I don't want to end as some dinosaur's chew toy!

[HISSING]

Nice velociraptor.

[SCREAMING]

Help! Help!

Oh, Ravi!

[HISSING]

Ravi, help!

[CRYING] I'm so afraid!

Ravi! Ravi, I'm in the tube.

Oh, Ravi! Ravi!

[SCREAMING]

Help! Help! Ravi, help!

Ravi! Ravi!

[GASPING]

Ravi, I'm in the tube-y thing!

Help! Hey!

[SCREAMING]

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

[GASPING]

Yes! I have prevailed!

This is much more fun than playing Duck Duck Mongoose.

Thank you, Jessie, for your excellent tutelage!

[LAUGHS] You're welcome.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go change my pants.

And not cause they're ripped.

Emma, can I do anything for you?

You could pack your bags and move to this planet.

That's Earth.

[BEEPING]

Ooh! It's Mom and Dad!

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, honey.

Hi! Oh, don't look at my project!

I want it to be a total surprise for tomorrow!

Em, about your project, we're really sorry, but we're not going to be able to make it.

[LAUGHS] Of course not, that would be cheating!

I'm making it.

No, sweetie, my movie is running way behind schedule, I mean, Galactopus hasn't devoured Angelina Jolie yet.

And tomorrow is the only day that Angelina can meet with me to discuss endorsing my new clothing line.

So, you're not gonna be able to make the science fair?

You know how it is, sweetie, if I fall behind, the studio will fire me.

We're really sorry, honey.

It's okay, don't worry about it.

Bye.

BOTWe love you!

[SIGHS]

Emma, are you okay?

Why wouldn't I be?

I'm used to it.

They missed my tenth birthday because of the firGalactopus.

And they'll probably miss my wedding because of Galactopus Three!

I just wish Angelina Jolie would k*ll that stupid space squid!

Emma, wait!

I'll help you finish your project!

[EXCLAIMING]

[GASPS]

Oh, no!

Don't worry, Jessie, just do what I do.

Blame it on Luke.

Luke! You're in trouble.

---

Hey, Emma, good luck at the science fair.

And remember, Pluto might need a little extra glue.

Doesn't matter.

But thanks for staying up all night to fix what Luke broke.

You're welcome.

[HORN BLARING]

There's the bus!

Oh, guys, your lunches!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Sorry, kids!

Coulda been worse!

That tuna coulda been canned!

So, poor Emma's really disappointed, huh?

Yeah, I've been trying to reach her parents all morning, but all I get is voicemail.

[SIGHS] I need to get up there fast so I can talk to them.

Too bad you can't fly a helicopter.

Actually, I can!

You can?

Yeah, my dad taught me.

He also taught me how to survive in the desert with nothing but a toothpick and a bobby pin.

Tony: Really?

My dad taught me how to hotwire a car with a paper clip and a penny.

Hey! This is a closed set.

Oh, I need to speak with Morgan or Christina Ross.

A little girl's happiness is at stake!

You're not that little.

And it's creepy to refer to yourself in the third person.

What? Oh, no, no!

You don't understand.

My name is Jessie.

Oh, are they in here?

Or...

[BELL RINGING]

All right extras!

Get over here and act dead!

And remember, corpses don't smile at the camera.

Galactopus Two: This Time It's Personal!

Scene 36.

Take One.

It's yours, Morgan.

Action!

[SCREAMS]

Gross, gross.

[SCREAMS]

At least buy me dinner first!

[SCREAMING]

Wow, that extra is fantastic!

She looks really scared.

I know.

[SCREAMING]

Help! Help!

Keep your tentacles to yourself, Galactopus!

[EXCLAIMS]

[CHUCKLING]

Cut!

[BELL RINGING]

That extra broke my tentacle!

Morgan! Christina!

It's me, Jessie!

Jessie?

What are you doing here?

I came to tell you how much Emma wants you to be at her science fair.

[SIGHS] She said it was okay.

She lied!

Oh! Well, we'll make it up to her.

Yeah!

When? Haven't you guys ever wondered why you have revolving nannies?

Your kids chase them away because they want to get your attention!

They miss you.

And even if you fire me for saying this, and I lose the best job I've ever had, you need to start being there for them!

Both: You're fired.

What? Wait, wait.

No, no, no, no, no!

No, this is where you thank me for being honest with you.

And for caring more about your kids than about my job, resulting in warm hugs all around!

That only happens in the movies.

Wait!

Hey, did I make it in time?

I'm next, but I don't care.

Me neither. Let's bounce.

Hey, you're staying.

And you should care!

You worked really hard on this. You should be proud of yourself.

Jessie, it's not even...

Emma, listen.

I know your parents can't be here physically.

But that doesn't mean they're not with you.

They are, believe me.

Look, it's like these planets.

They're far away from each other, right?

They have a gravitational pull that always keeps them together.

No matter what.

That's what love is like.

It stretches over any distance and it's too strong to be broken.

Our last contestant is Emma Ross.

Now you go on up there and kick some asteroid!