01x02 - The Talented Mr. Kipling

[bunniefuu]

Oh, thank goodness, it was just a dream!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy the ground're shaking ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Mr. Kipling, you're getting a time out.

And no TV for a week.

I think you are being very harsh.

Mr. Kipling paid you a visit because he gets bored in his cage.

Plus, he's a cuddler.

Oh, that explains the claw marks on my calves!

Jessie, I have a huge problem.

I love my photography class!

Okay, I know I'm new at this whole nanny thing, but not seeing the problem.

The problem is I got for this assignment. Partner.

You call it lazy, I call it selective participation.

Now, Jessie, give me...

Pouty nanny.

Okay, that was more like constipated nanny, but I can touch it up.

I can't believe I can get school credit for taking pictures of cute girls.

The assignment is to take pictures of New York's flora and fauna.

Ooh, I hope those are hot Latin twins.

Do you have an off switch?

Yep. You wanna try and find it?

Nope.

Okay, look.

We are going to the park. or a slither, or whatever he does.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We cannot take Mr. Kipling for a walk.

If Mrs. Chesterfield sees him, she'll throw a hissy fit.

Yeah, she's the head of the condo board.

And a real pain in the ashram.

Oh, is she that annoying lady downstairs who's always carrying that homely baby?

It's a dog.

You're telling me.

Someone whomped that child with the ugly stick.

He means it's a Chihuahua.

It's Chi-hideous.

Look, Ravi, I'm not gonna let some old grouch keep you from walking your pet.

We'll just ask Tony to make sure the coast is clear.

I'm on it!

Tony, are you eavesdropping again?

Now that I've looked up the word... Yes.

I need a loaf of bread, a pound of cheddar cheese, two pounds of roast beef, a jumbo jar of mayonnaise...

Bertram, when you are done ordering your lunch, do not forget to order Mr. Kipling's snack.

Fine. Do you have any frog legs?

He does not like the legs.

How about frog breasts?

Can I buy those?

Um, that's my business.

Hello?

Hello?

And now I have to find a new grocer.

All right.

Les go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Move it, move it, move it!

Go, go, go!

Come on!

All right. You have this and you have your camera.

Whoa!

Keep your tail to yourself.

Yeah. She's mine.

No, I'm not.

All my boyfriends have to be at least 18.

And human.

So, Luke, you're oh for two.

Go, go, go!

Hey there, Mrs. Chesterfield.

That was a short walk.

I know.

But, we're tired today.

Last night, the noise from those urchins upstairs was intolerable.

Wasn't it, my little chimichanga?

Yes. Give Mommy a kiss. Yes.

Hey! No PDA in the lobby.

Well, better go get your beauty rest.

Here we go!

It's all clear.

You can come out now.

Luke, you couldn't hold it till we got outside?

Hey, it wasn't me.

It was Mr. Kipling!

Oh sure.

Blame the lizard.

Jessie, thank you so much for bringing Mr. Kipling to the park.

Look how happy he is.

Ever noticed how his happy face and his "I'm gonna eat you" face are really similar?

Ooh! Ha! Cockroach.

Luke, help me, or I'll tell Jessie you still sleep with Kenny the Koala.

Kenny just likes to hang out on my bed.

Don't turn it into something ugly.

Okay, okay.

Oh, man! No way!

What?

I can see right into Bertram's room.

Oh, he's shaving his own back.

Ew.

I wanna look away, but I can't!

Oh, good.

A giant bird just blocked my view.

What? Let me see.

I think that giant bird is a Hudson Valley hawk!

This book says they're incredibly rare.

Not as rare as a guy shaving his back with a razor duct-taped to a spatula.

Jessie! Come help me!

Zuri! Zuri!

What happened?

This mean girl, Genevieve, hit me!

What? Where is she?

She's right there, sticking her tongue out at you.

Oh, I get it.

Genevieve, that's not very nice.

She's over there.

Genevieve, apologize.

Right now.

See, Zuri?

She said she's very sorry.

No, she didn't.

Then what did she say?

I'm not allowed to use that kind of language.

But it was nasty.

You can bring Mr. Kipling back now.

Mrs. Chesterfield's not here.

Mrs. Chesterfield!

You're here!

Who's avoiding me?

Uh, pretty much everyone in the building.

You scare people.

There goes my Christmas tip.

Here's a tip.

When the president of the condo board asks you something, answer it.

What's going on?

Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with a giant lizard.

You people have a vicious, cold-blooded reptile living in this building?

Why not?

You live here.

Zuri, that's not nice.

Hey, we were all thinking it.

Hi, I'm Jessie.

And I...

I don't care.

Okay.

Giant lizards are not allowed in this building!

Tony, help me!

I meant by the waist!

Oh, put me down, you charmingly boyish troglodyte!

Whoa! Language!

Please, Mrs. Chesterfield, do not take away my pet.

Pet? That's not a pet!

That is the before picture of a pair of boots.

And a matching belt.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oops.

You took the wrong leash.

Oh, did I?

Thanks for the news flash, Bessie!

Oh, my little Zeusie!

Jessie, I cannot lose Mr. Kipling!

He is my best friend!

I'm so sorry, Ravi.

If I hadn't suggested taking Mr. Kipling for a walk, this never would have happened.

I agree. If only you could've had this a-ha moment earlier.

Ugh! That stupid hawk won't move.

Why have you added 10 pounds of rodent to my shopping list?

A sudden craving for mice krispie treats?

We need bait to get the hawk to fly so we can get an action sh*t for our photo essay.

But all it does is sit there like a lump.

If it watched Korean soap operas in its underwear, it would be you, Bertram.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Very funny.

If you need me, I'll be inside spitting in your lunch.

Ravi, why you packing?

You're not going anywhere.

I will not be separated from Mr. Kipling.

We have been together since he was an egg.

I actually sat on him until he hatched.

I get it, okay?

He's a link to your old life.

Just like I still have my first rattle.

I cut it off the snake myself.

Jessie! Genevieve followed us from the playground.

She just ripped off my dolly's head!

Okay, that's scary.

And you don't wanna see what she did to my Build-a-Baboon.

Now he'll never have children!

Can I go work for him?

Jessie, please come play with me.

If you're there, Genevieve won't pick on me.

Zuri, I wish I could, but I need to help Ravi right now.

Well, guess I know where I stand.

Wait, Zuri, why don't you try being nice to Genevieve?

Why don't you tell her she's pretty?

Have you seen her?

Well... No.

But you see her.

And my advice is to k*ll her with kindness.

Just like I'm going to do with Mrs. Chesterfield.

Do you know what works better than kindness?

A really big hammer.

Hi!

Ugh.

I brought cookies.

What kind?

They're "I'm sorry you almost got eaten by a giant lizard, but please let him stay 'cause it would mean so much to a little boy" cookies.

Pecan sandies!

Well, maybe just one.

It is our cheat day.

Right, my little Zeusie?

Come on.

Binge with Mommy.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Ow!

Uh, don't you mean "wow"?

I just bit into a pecan shell!

You broke my tooth!

I'm so sorry!

You were supposed to love the cookies so we could bond...

The only bonding is gonna be done by my dentist!

And I'm sending you the bill!

Fine, whatever.

Just please, please don't take Ravi's lizard away.

I wouldn't dream of it.

That's Animal Control's job.

And I'm calling them right now.

I should have brought a hammer.

Do not worry, Mr. Kipling.

Jessie is going to fix things with Mrs. Chesterfield.

Okay, don't panic.

I broke Mrs. Chesterfield's tooth, and she's calling Animal Control to come take Mr. Kipling away.

Okay...

I hope that means that although you're slightly upset, you don't blame me 'cause you know I did my best.

No.

It means I curse the day you were ever born, you bungling she-devil!

Oh!

Well, someone's not getting a cookie.

I'm sorry, Jessie!

I did not mean it!

It's okay.

I just cannot bear to see Mr. Kipling so upset.

You know, he hides his emotions really well.

Look, Ravi, we have to get Mr. Kipling out of the building!

As I recall, your wanting to get him out of the building is what started this spiral of doom in the first place!

Oh, okay, are we assigning blame here, or are we saving a lizard?

I am doing a little bit of both.

Tony, are we all clear?

All clear.

You're sure the Animal Control guys aren't there?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Geez, a guy makes one mistake...

Aw, man!

If you guys are looking for a large lizard, I can assure you it is not here.

Lizards hate lobbies.

They prefer lounges.

What is not clear to you about the phrase "all clear"?

It does seem fairly self-explanatory.

Come on! We gotta get Mr. Kipling out of here until those guys leave.

No problem.

He's already gone.

Okay, don't panic!

Okay, now, he's not very good in a crisis.

Do I put frogs in the refrigerator or the pantry?

I don't know.

That's not my job.

I never imagined it would be mine, either.

Get the door.

Hello, little girl.

May we come in?

No.

And Jessie says I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

I'm Mrs. Chesterfield, from downstairs.

I'm not strange.

That's a matter of opinion.

Out of my way.

You're strange and rude.

And you have dog breath.

Nothing to see here!

A-ha!

If there's no giant lizard living in this apartment, then how do you explain this?

It's an indoor playground.

Guess they didn't have those around when you were a kid.

How dare you!

I'm only 32.

Maybe in dog years.

So you're claiming this contraption is yours?

Absolutely.

It's mine! It's fun!

And it doesn't smell bad in here at all.

Well, then how do you explain all these tiny animal skeletons?

You have your hobbies and I have mine.

Get any good sh*ts of the hawk?

Luke!

Ow!

Is Animal Control still up here?

We lost Mr. Kipling!

He's not lost.

He's right down there.

And he looks like he's about to eat Mrs. Chesterfield's stupid mutt.

What?

My complaint is that there is still a vicious 7-foot lizard named Mr. Kipling running amok in my building!

No, I don't know his first name!

Well, I don't care if that leaves a blank on your form!

You can take your form and...

No, don't you put me on hold!

And I'm on hold.

Ugh!

Nice to see you, too.

Oh, my little Zeusie!

Mommy will save you!

No, I won't.

Okay, I'll bet you five bucks the lizard eats the dog and Chesterfield.

You're on. I bet she tastes as bitter as she looks.

The hawk is moving!

Give me the camera!

It's diving straight toward us!

I think it wants the Chihuahua!

Hey, everybody loves Mexican.

I got it!

Now, that's an action sh*t!

Oh!

Wow! A giant lizard using a hawk as a pinata!

That's a first for me.

Anybody else?

Oh, my little Zeusie!

Mommy has you.

Oh, stop trembling.

Oh, that's me.

Oh!

I'll call Zoya and book us an emergency couples massage.

Gee, it must feel pretty bad almost losing your pet like that.

It does.

If I lost Zeus, who would I watch Real Housewives with?

So now you know how Ravi feels about Mr. Kipling.

You and Mr. Kipling watch The Real Housewives of New York, too?

Oh, absolutely.

But if you want to see a real catfight, you should check out the Real Housewives of New Delhi.

See? See how we're all bonding?

So does this mean Mr. Kipling can stay?

I didn't say that.

Oh, come on!

If it weren't for his lizard, right now, your dog would be a yappy meal.

All right.

Yes!

Just promise to keep that disturbing creature away from me.

Deal. You will never see Mr. Kipling again.

I was talking about Zuri.

She's a very strange child.

Zuri!

She's not here!

Oh, really?

Hmm. That's too bad, 'cause I have some good news.

What?

Genevieve is not going to be bothering you anymore.

Because Mr. Kipling ate her.

Really?

Did she suffer?

No, sweetie.

Too bad.

This stinks!

Luke and I got an A on our photo essay!

What's wrong with an A?

Again, not seeing the problem.

The problem is I did all the work but Luke got all the credit!

I watched that stupid hawk like a...

Hawk all day, and all Luke did was snap one lucky picture!

Hey, did Emma tell you my picture made the homepage of the school website?

All my hard work really paid off!

All right, all right.

Here's dinner.

Breast of frog wild mice. f.

Ew!

Just kidding.

It's chicken.

Maybe.