01x12 - Romancing the Crone

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Darla, it's Jessie!

Thank you so much that video of you cruising around Europe with your rich new boyfriend.

If you consider a guy in his 60s "new."

Don't get bitter.

Keep it upbeat.

So I thought I'd make a video for you about how awesome in the Big Apple.

Look who it is. Bertram.

He'sur butler.

Our every whim.

Bertram, say hi to Darla.

Go away.

New Yorkers may seem a little bit crusty, but once you get to know them, they can be the sweetest people in the world.

Bessie!

My Zeus is missing!

Probably dog-napped by your revolting little delinquents!

Please!

My kids wouldn't go near that rat with hair extensions!

I wouldn't bet on that.

Uh-oh.

Faster! Faster!

Slower! Slower!

Stop! Stop!

!

Excuse me! This dog is under-cooked and over-dressed.

Zeusie! Oh!

Are you all right?

Oh, Bertram, how can I ever thank you for saving my precious little muchacho?

I am so sorry!

I was making a video back home...d Darla Marla, your friend is a horrible nanny.

She couldn't take care of a bowl of sea monkeys!

I'll have you know all my sea monkeys d*ed of natural causes, and a thirsty cat.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Ugh!

I can't believe got two million hits.

And the kid who posted it won a free trip to Hollywood.

Dad would be so proud a great viral video.

He might even forget that to get a new skateboard. e.

Uh, yeah. It was a People's Choice Award.

I had to beg that guy to take it.

Too bad we don't have a cool pet.

Quiet, Mr. Kipling, we're trying to think!

That's it!

A lizard video!

A star is hatched!

And welcome to my crib!

Oh, yeah, you saw it right, Darla.

An elevator straight into our living room!

Front doors are so passe.

Cut!

You want to rub Darla's nose in it, right?

Absolutely not!

She's a dear friend.

I just...

Why, what do you got?

We need to get you some bling.

Mommy wore this at her wedding.

Daddy bought it from someone named Tiffany.

Whoa!

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, this is Oprah and I'm Gayle.

So. How do I look?

Like a million bucks.

Which I think is what Daddy paid for that tiara!

Whoa!

Do you know what that would buy back in Fort Hood?

Fort Hood.

He's not doing anything.

He is so!

He is oozing star quality.

Well, go get a paper towel and clean it up.

I think I just saw him blink.

Oh, wait.

That was me blinking.

Darla, darling, here's the view from my apartment.

Or should I say, penthouse?

Why not?

Penthouse!

That's it, Jessie!

Work that crown!

Oh! Whoa!

No!

What was that?

Look, Zeusie.

It's raining diamonds.

Dreams do come true!

Let's go check the sauna for Matt Lauer!

Hi.

Ugh!

Ow! Open-toed shoes!

Did you happen to notice a tiara falling from our terrace a moment ago?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Could you describe it?

Oh, come on now.

How many crowns fell in your tub?

It's diamond, sparkly, my boss got married under it.

Is this it?

Yes!

Oh! Thank you!

You just saved my job!

Uh-uh-uh.

I will return it to your employer, along with an explanation of just how it came to be in my possession.

By the way, tell that delicious hunk of butler Bertram that Rhoda says...

Great!

Now I'm about to lose my job and my lunch.

Bertram, I think you have a secret admirer in the building.

Really?

Is it that saucy little dancer on the 12th floor?

She's always making eyes at me in the elevator.

No.

And ew!

Even better, it's Mrs. Chesterfield!

Mega ew!

Actually, you guys have a lot in common.

You're both old, you're both cranky, you both need a shave.

I'm surprised you haven't put a ring on that yet.

Why are you trying to fix me up with that old harpy?

Okay, I dropped Christina's diamond tiara off the balcony, it fell in Mrs. Chesterfield's hot tub, and I need you to get her out of her apartment so I can go retrieve it, so I don't get fired.

Nice knowing you.

Then you've left us no choice.

It's time to move on to Plan B.

Ow!

Zuri, that's Plan C!

Sorry, I just really love Plan C.

Plan B is to tell Christina that you left the tiara out when it came back from the jewelers instead of putting it in the safe where it belongs.

Because the safe is all the way upstairs. It's...

It's too far.

You know what's nice and close?

The unemployment office.

Okay, okay!

Give me the phone.

Seriously?

Rhoda Chesterfield's residence.

Hello, this is Bertram from upstairs.

Is she available?

Let me check.

Bertram!

To what do I owe this delightful surprise?

I was wondering if you'd like to...

Yes!

But, you don't even know what I was going to say!

Doesn't matter.

I'll be ready at 8:00.

See you tonight!

Score!

He's taking it better than I thought he would.

Hey, guys. I've got the perfect thing to make Mr. Kipling's video go viral.

Let me guess.

A cute outfit!

No. A cute costume.

Captain Kipling to the rescue!

I love it!

Can we even get him into that?

Try keeping him out of it.

That was not so hard.

Yeah, we still have most of our fingers.

It's worth it.

He looks totes adorable.

Okay, so, let's go throw him off the stairway and pretend that he's flying.

I hope you are planning on having a stunt lizard.

Oh, relax! When we throw him, we'll aim for the couch.

You cannot even aim correctly for the toilet!

True.

So you're clear on the plan?

Yes! I get the crone out of her apartment and I leave the door open a cr*ck.

It's not exactly Mission Impossible.

Where are you taking her for dinner?

I'm hoping Australia.

You expect me to spend money on her, too? Uh-uh-uh.

We'll be dining on leftovers upstairs.

And then I'm gonna make her do the dishes, while I hit my head until the memory's gone.

Now, scram!

I'm ready.

Okay, let's get her done.

You romantic devil.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

No, no, no, no, no.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

That was close.

Uh-oh. This mission just got a little more impossible.

I don't suppose you could chew your way through the door.

Who am I kidding.

If you could, you would've done it a long time ago.

Oh, Bertram, these appetizers are simply divine.

What did you say they were called?

Potato chips?

Mmm.

Delightfully crunchy!

And I just can't get over this breathtaking view.

They must be having dinner in the kitchen.

Okay, we use this rope ladder from the helicopter to get down to Chesterfield's terrace.

What do you mean "we"?

I'm afraid of heights.

And dying.

Okay, okay.

Just hold it steady for me.

Bertie, what's wrong?

Nothing. I just want to show you something in the kitchen.

What did you want to show me?

Um...

Oh! My new mp3 player!

Shall we dance?

Oh, yes!

Spin me, spin me right round like a record!

Did you hear that?

I can't hear anything over your outfit.

I heard barking!

That's because you bring out the animal in me.

No, it sounds like my Zeus.

Wait! Wait!

We can't leave the kitchen.

Why not?

Because, um, my garlic bread is burning.

Oh, I know exactly how it feels.

Zeus, why are you sweating so much?

I'm the one who should be nervous.

Wait a minute.

Dogs don't sweat.

Ew!

Hurry!

They're almost done with dinner and I know what Mrs. Chesterfield wants for dessert.

Bertram a la mode!

I smell pee.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay. We need to find that tiara.

I don't want to lose my job!

And I don't want to lose the best nanny I ever had!

You've been such a great role model.

Thank you.

Now put on your gloves and let's ransack this joint.

Ravi, if you really want our video to go viral, let me bungee Mr. Kipling off the balcony!

Look how safe it is.

This is why Mr. Kipling does not work with first time directors!

Hey, Luke!

Dad texted you back.

He says, "To make a hit movie, tell the story that's in your heart. Then hire Johnny Depp."

Hey! Mr. Kipling is the star of this video.

He gets top billing.

"And if you can't get Johnny Depp, strap the camera to the lizard and see what happens."

That is brilliant!

We'll have to give Dad a shout out when we accept our Webby Award.

Wait! If Mr. Kipling is also going to be the cameraman, he must be paid double.

Since we're paying him nothing...

Deal!

Bertram, this freezer-b*rned key lime pie is like a little slice of expired heaven.

Served by a husky angel.

This is the longest meal of my life.

Oh, that tickles!

Oh, Bertram, you frisky rascal!

That's not me.

Hi, there!

Sorry about that.

No sudden moves.

He can smell fear.

That smell's been coming off me all night.

Bertram, I'm going to faint!

Catch me.

He's licking my face.

Better him than me.

If you were a tiara, where would you be?

On a head.

Not helping.

Oh, not now, Zeus!

Zeus! Knock it off!

Holy hound dog!

The tiara!

Why didn't you say something?

Uh-oh.

Let me just check on Zeus.

Are you okay, Mr. Fluffy Pants?

Hang that up for me.

Aah!

Ow!

Shh!

He slammed the door on my fingers!

Which, so far, is the highlight of my day.

Zeusie, meet the other man in my life.

Give Uncle Bertie a kiss!

I don't kiss on the first date.

We'll see about that.

That video of Kipling licking Chesterfield was hilarious.

Too bad it was completely out of focus.

Kipling really blew it.

He is a lizard, not J.J. Abrams!

Hey, what's this rope ladder doing out here?

Who cares?

Let's dress Mr. Kipling as a pirate and have him pretend to climb it.

Great idea!

We'll need an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook.

And that's just for whoever tries to get him into the costume.

Come closer.

I don't bite.

I do.

When I feel threatened.

What is it, Zeus?

Is there something in the armoire?

No!

What is that intoxicating fragrance?

Eau de key lime pie.

Want a taste?

The rope ladder's gone!

I bet Luke took it.

He's had dirty socks on his floor for three months, but this he picks up!

Come, Bertie!

Let's go look at the stars.

No room!

Casa Chihuahua is ocupado.

Look, Bertram. The hot tub is steamy and freshly disinfected.

Like me.

TMI.

Let's jump in.

It's time to play a little game I like to call, Rub-a-dub Rhoda.

Can't we just play checkers?

Last one in gets the wonky jet.

Nessie!

What are you doing here?

Wait, this isn't our terrace?

I must be sleep soaking.

And I must be going now!

Those revolting children were in my house?

How repugnant.

Hey!

No one calls those kids revolting and repugnant except me.

And they wouldn't be here if you'd given that tiara back in the first place.

And I wouldn't be here, either!

You mean this was all a set-up?

I've never been so humiliated.

I find that hard to believe.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Chesterfield.

We didn't mean to hurt you.

I just...

I don't want to lose my job.

I love these kids so much.

We love you, too.

I don't like any of you.

Clearly.

I'd be weeping now if my tear ducts weren't so full of Botox.

Look, Rhoda, if you don't rat on Jessie, I'll take you out on a real date.

Why should I go out with you after the shabby way you've treated me?

Suit yourself.

Ooh! I love when you play hard to get.

Shall we say Chez Fancy tomorrow night, 8:00?

You can say it.

I'll be at the Korean Barbecue truck on the corner at 4:30.

Done!

Score!

Thank you, Bertram.

Talk about taking one for the team.

I took more than one!

That dog was all over me, too.

Now go put that tiara back in the safe.

I'd do it, but...

We know.

It's too far.

Mr. Kipling looks does he not? Ashbuckler, This stinks.

I told you we should have moved the furniture.

I give up.

Making a funny viral video is impossible if you don't have a talking dog, or a sneezing panda.

Hi, guys! You want to see the video I just posted?

No! No! No! No! Gone! Fell! Ara!

It fell! It's gone! Really, really bad!

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! ff!

Cut! Cut!

Please don't tell me you put this on the Internet.

Yep! You're a star!

You already got 40,000 hits!

You're gonna be more popular than that monkey who sniffed his own butt!

Great! Now thousands of people think I'm a klutz, who lives in a penthouse and has an awesome priceless jewelry collection?

I'm sending a link to Darla back home.

That should have been Mr. Kipling.

I guess he is just another pretty face with no talent.