01x19 - Evil Times Two

[bunniefuu]

Who wants fresh raspberries?

Earlier, I saw Emma balancing one of these on the tip of her nose.

That wasn't a raspberry.

She has a zit the size of a Chihuahua.

Not a raspberry? Then my enthusiastic applause must have confused her.

No one notice me, no one notice me...

That probably didn't help.

It's just a little zit.

How bad could it be? Oh!

Look at the size of that... Cloud!

It looks like my nose is growing a nose.

Look, I'm even scaring children!

No, that's not you.

That's something truly horrifying, and it's headed this way.

Jessie.

Agatha.

I see you're still taking care of these hideous children.

And I see your tooth is still trying to escape.

Is that the nasty nanny who tried to get Jessie fired with her Toddler Tattler blog?

Mmm-hmm. Someone should drop a house on that.

Agatha, please. I just got to town.

I have nowhere to stay.

There is just not enough room for you.

But, Agatha, your apartment is huge.

I'm talking about New York!

Hi, I'm Jessie.

I'm Angela.

I too have gone face to mole with Agatha.

Or as I call her...

Well, I can't tell you what I call her because there are children present.

Agatha's always been a bit harsh.

And I'd know better than anyone.

We're twin sisters.

Holy Olsen! But you're so...

And she's so...

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy the ground're shaking ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Ooh, it says thing is 1300 pounds. His Emma, your zit might freight elevator.

Emma, kudos for keeping endless torrent of taunting.

I'm just waiting away. He can't get.

Hey, Tony, this is Angela.

Oh, nice to meet you.

What has two thumbs and is looking forward to our date? This guy!

That never gets old.

Have planned? u.

It's a super secret.

On a totally unrelated topic, I need to know what size bowling shoe you wear.

Six and a half.

Okay, fine, an eight. Narrow!

Mmm, this pasta is superb!

Angela, it's such a pleasure cooking for someone who appreciates fine cuisine.

Feeding the mob around here is like lobbing mackerel to performing penguins.

Luke Ross is trying to break clear coming out of turn three!

He's trading paint with the leaders!

And suddenly, Luke Ross' car is making a pit stop. Until 2020.

Go read a book.

Sorry, Angela, I didn't warn you that being in this house could be hazardous.

Oh, I'm used to danger.

I grew up with Agatha.

I was supposed to be born first, but she grabbed my cord and then yanked me back in.

So, I'm guessing you're an outie.

Jessie, you're so lucky to be living in such a beautiful home with such wonderful children.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a comfy park bench to sleep on.

Oh, Angela, I can't let you sleep on a park bench.

Oh, do you have a refrigerator box I could borrow?

That would be lovely.

No, I mean, I'd have to check with my bosses, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you stayed here with us for a few days.

That would be brilliant!

Are you sure it would be okay with them?

Oh, absolutely.

Considering they let Jessie live here, the bar isn't exactly set high.

We kid like that all the time.

I wasn't kidding!

Emma Ross for a facial.

Okay, Emma. I promise you, this will pummel your pimple problem.

Thanks, Jessie.

You should make an appointment, too.

Maybe they could do something about that.

A day spa? In your building?

What next, a water park on the roof?

Oh, look. Ravi teaches this yoga class to make video game money.

All right, ladies, our next position is upward dog, but my assistant and I like to call it upward lizard.

Let's try it.

Okay. But watch out for Ravi's assistant.

When he adjusts you, he leaves teeth marks.

Our next position is called the eagle pose.

And it takes a little bit of talon-t.

Thank you.

I think there's a vent blowing on me.

Don't worry, Jessie.

You'll get the hang of it.

You know, Angela, I can't get over how nice you are, especially considering...

My sister is a total witch?

Exactly! Her grocery list is bread, milk, and eye of newt.

Uh...

8:30! My alarm didn't go off! Cold floor!

Cold floor! Oh! Longhorn slippers!

Kids! Get up! We're late!

Forget breakfast!

Suck on whatever's stuck in your teeth from last night's dinner.

Oh, shut up!

Bertram!

Get the lunches ready.

The kids...

Got down here really fast.

Do we have a fireman's pole I don't know about?

Jessie, since you hadn't woken yet, I thought I'd step in and make the kids breakfast.

I hope you don't mind.

No, no, that's fine.

Thank you.

Uh, Emma, while I was asleep, did you rob a stagecoach?

Yikes! I mean, what's up, Emma?

This is from the facial you recommended.

My face looks like a baboon's butt.

Well, yeah!

Oh, but today it has a rash.

Emma, you are beautiful, as always.

But I am trying to eat, so if you could just turn away...

Don't you worry, Emma.

Use this organic cream I made for you.

It will cleanse your skin, and your colon.

Thank you?

Zuri, you can't eat ice cream for breakfast!

But it's in a waffle cone.

Hope you don't mind, Jessie.

When she eats it, her eyes light up.

Yeah, that's called sugar shock.

Okay, everyone, let's get going.

Oh, don't worry, love.

I'll take them down to the bus.

That's okay, Angela.

I'm the nanny, that's my job.

Don't be silly. Right now, your job is to just sit and relax.

But that's already Bertram's job.

I'll teach you everything I know.

All right, children, time for school!

Uh, okay! Have a great day.

I'll take you to the park later.

Actually, Nanny Angela has offered to take us rolling on skates.

"Nanny Angela"?

Jessie, thanks to you, I finally feel like I have a sister, and not one who shaves my head in the middle of the night.

Let's go, my little ducklings!

She calls us her ducklings.

It's our thing.

Bertram, do you think the kids like Angela better than me?

Oh, don't be silly.

We all like Angela better than you.

Hello, Jessie.

You're looking a bit glum.

Well, actually...

Oh, I don't care why.

I'm just enjoying it.

As usual, you're just a little ray of hate.

So, I've noticed on my BuddyPage that my sister Angela is staying with you.

You have buddies?

Of course.

Well, buddy.

And 600 pending.

I wouldn't hold my breath.

And for the record, your sister has been a wonderful house guest.

Oh, she won't be a guest for long.

Be warned, Jessie!

Angela always gets what she wants, and right now, she wants a cushy job working for a celebrity couple in a swanky Upper West Side penthouse!

She put all that in her status update?

No, you silly git!

That's what Angela does.

She's evil, I tell you! Evil!

Oh, no. No.

You are the evil one.

You are the Darth Vader to her Luke Skywalker.

But at least Darth Vader had the decency to wear a mask.

Fine, but let me ask you this.

Is she ingratiating herself into the family?

Flattering people?

Making herself indispensable?

Well, sorta-ish...

She's the reason I left England!

I was the nanny to Lord Taylor.

Angela came to visit for the weekend, next thing you know, I was sacked!

You got fired?

No, they threw me out in a sack!

Hey, Jessie!

Hey, Tony.

Look, I've got some good news and some bad news.

Which do you want to hear first?

Actually, I could really use some good news.

Oh. Well, now that I think about it, it's really just bad news.

Look, is it okay if we take a rain check on our date tonight?

Why? Did the bowling alley run out of shoe freshener?

Whoa, shoe freshener?

What, are we bowling at the White House?

No, Angela asked me to help her pick up her stuff.

Angela? Why do you have to help Angela tonight?

Well, she can't pay to store her stuff anymore and they're gonna throw it all out tomorrow.

Huh. She said you'd be okay with it.

She did?

Yeah, she went on and on about how understanding and sweet and generous you are.

Well, that does sound like me.

Okay, go for it.

Hey, where's she moving, anyway?

Into your place.

What? That's news to me.

Well, then I do have good news!

Bertram, why is Angela moving in to our penthouse?

Um, because it would be odd if the live-in maid didn't live in.

Morgan and Christina approved it.

Wait, they know about Angela?

Yeah, the kids have been texting them nonstop about how much they love her.

And besides, I need some help around here.

Why? You need someone to spot you while you nap?

Yes. Sometimes my head falls forward and I wake up with a crick.

Hey, guys. So, did you have fun roller skating?

Yes. The two minutes I was not facedown on the concrete were quite enjoyable.

Awesome!

Angela's the greatest.

She taught me how to do this.

It's cooler when you're on wheels.

And look! Thanks to Angela's cream, my face is back to normal.

You say that like it's a good thing.

Oh! And check this out.

What was that?

I got him that.

He was just so sad when you took away his car.

Angela is a giver.

Great! Great news!

All great news.

Speaking of great news, Angela, I hear you're moving in.

Yes! It's all so exciting and it came out of nowhere!

Yeah, like a hungry crocodile on a gimpy gazelle.

I cannot wait until tomorrow morning.

Angela says for breakfast she is going to make toad in the hole.

Which I hope does not involve an actual toad.

Well, you know, I would have made you a delicious breakfast this morning if the power hadn't gone out and messed up my alarm clock.

All of our alarm clocks worked.

Maybe the power just went out in your room.

Or maybe Angela unplugged my alarm clock in the middle of the night!

Evil Agatha was trying to help me?

Huh.

I did not see that coming.

Apparently, I don't see a lot of things coming.

Peek-a-boo!

I always win this game.

Oh, don't worry.

It'll wear off.

It might help to think about puppies.

So, Agatha, remember what you told me about your sister and how she was all evil?

Well, funny story...

You didn't believe me and now you realize I was right. The end.

Your sister is stealing my life!

Please help me get rid of her.

I would be delighted to, except for one small thing.

I don't particularly like you.

But you don't like Angela even more.

And the sister of my enemy is my...

Or is it the enemy of my sister...

The evil twin sister of my enemy is...

Is the girl that...

You know what I'm saying.

Yes. I was right, and I told you so.

Ta-ta.

Please, is there any way I could get you to help me?

Well, you could appeal to my better nature.

Oh, wait, I don't have one!

That girl must be part hyena.

Zuri, chill out.

I can't help it, she's tickling my dogs!

These warm rocks are delightful on my tootsies.

I bet Jessie doesn't take you girls for pedicures.

I don't think Jessie even knows what a pedicure is.

Have you seen her toes?

She could cut an apple with those nails!

I wouldn't want to eat that apple.

Well, if I were your nanny, I would make sure you had everything, from a pimple-free nose to perfectly pampered toes.

Okay, Angela, I know what you're doing!

Oh look, girls, Jessie does know what a pedicure is.

I'm not talking about trying to get rid of your corns.

I'm talking about trying to get rid of me!

Jessie, that's silly.

We're friends.

Oh, sure, outside you seem all sweet and charming with your fancy English accent sounding like Scary Poppins.

But inside, you are evil and nasty!

Like someone who is English and evil and nasty!

Simon Cowell?

Yes, him!

Maybe you should just calm down.

I am calm!

Very well. I've tried to be nice, but if you want to play dirty...

No, no, no!

Ew, foot water.

All right.

That's it, you no-good job stealer.

I'm about to knock you on your crumpet!

And I'm coming down on you like the duke of Wellington on Napoleon's hussars!

I have no idea what you just said!

Things are about to get ugly in the beauty salon.

Okay, you horrid little hobbit!

You broke my nail!

One down, nine more to go!

Ladies, ladies, please.

Think fast!

Hey, Jessie!

What?

Whoa!

I thought you said my sister was here.

I don't see her.

There she is.

Hey, I'm finally starting to see the resemblance between you two.

Looks like a fight.

I wonder who with.

It's Jessie! Even squished, she looks adorable.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Okay, I should probably break this up.

Or webcast it.

By the authority vested in me by the Fairfield condo board, I place you two under building arrest!

Oh, no, they did not.

Looks like things just got even uglier.

Agatha, what are you doing here?

Well, right now I am just enjoying how silly you both look.

Is there a goat dying in here?

I am sick and tired of Angela getting everything she wants, no matter who she stomps on.

I really don't see how this is any of your business.

I'm through with your lies.

Listen up, children, Angela has been sabotaging Jessie to win you over and take her job.

Don't believe her!

Why would Agatha lie to help me?

She hates me.

That's true, I hate her.

See?

This is ridiculous!

Agatha has always been jealous of me.

And you can see why.

Okay, Agatha may be...

Not traditionally pretty.

But that doesn't mean she's making this up.

Oh, come on, guys, you know you would rather have me as your nanny than this ninny.

Excuse me?

Come on, Zuri, I let you have ice cream for breakfast!

Who cares!

We love Jessie.

And I can sneak ice cream without you.

Not that I do that.

And you know what?

I'm a one-nanny guy.

Oh, just to be clear, that nanny is Jessie.

Emma, I helped you get rid of your pimple.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather have another pimple than lose Jessie.

That goes double for me and Mr. Kipling.

I love you guys.

Fine! I don't want to spend another minute with you brats anyway!

Ta-ta, Angela. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

On second thought, let it hit you.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Hot rock! Hot rock!

Serves you right!

You guys are the best. Hugs!

Maybe later.

I'm going for it!

Me too!

Okay, whose hand is that?

Oh, it's mine.

Ravi, this is actually kind of cool.

Yes, yoga is great and body. The mind I think I did something wrong.

Congratulations, the cosmic pretzel! Ing.

Great. How do I undo it?