01x05 - Halloween-Aversary

[bunniefuu]

Anyone can go as Frankenstein.

I want to go as the man who dared to defy God and create Frankenstein.

He's the real monster.

Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.

I don't understand.

If Dave's going trick-or-treating with Stuart, why can't he just stay over there?

Why do I have to babysit?

Dave can't stay with Stuart.

His grandfather lives with him, and sometimes he bites.

You know what else bites? This.

I'm helping Kendra set up for her party, and then I just have to leave?

You can go back when we come home from our party.

We won't be long. Your father tires very easily.

Look, if you're gonna give us a big, steaming bowl of 'tude, maybe I won't let you borrow Gary.

But I already told Kendra she could use him for decoration.

The theme of the party is ghosts and monsters and dead people and stuff.

So the theme is Halloween.

Okay, you can borrow Gary, but be careful.

My parents gave him to me when I graduated from med school.

Dad, you know how responsible I am.

I know exactly how responsible you are, which is why I'm worried.

(Chuckles)

Nothing? Really?

Have him back home by midnight, all right?

And don't give him anything to drink.

It literally goes right through him.

Funny as never, dad.

I'm surprised you guys celebrate Halloween, anyway.

Grandma said dad proposed on Halloween and messed it up so bad, he and mom almost broke up.

That's not what happened.

She also said that would have been better, because then, mom could've married Billy Tanaka, who's rich...

Okay. Thank you, Molly. Super-constructive.

Then what did happen?

Okay, fine.

It was 1995.

Your mom and I had been dating for a while, and I was dressed as America's sexiest judge...

Lance Ito.

I was still a med student, and I didn't have much money.

Do you have money now?

'Cause I feel like I don't have a lot of stuff.

Okay, let me finish my story.

Anyway, I wanted it to be special, so I took your mom to Captain Spooky's Halloween carnival.

(Allison): He knew I've always loved Halloween, and I was dressed in a way that inspired your dad's favorite joke.

What? No costume?

(Both laugh)

Ken, you're the total package...

Smart, funny, and you have this mischievous elf-like quality that I find very sexy.

Ew!

Anyway, I worked up my courage and got down on one knee.

Allison, the verdict is in.

We're really good together...

You are so right. Hey, we should get married.

Why are you kneeling?

I was about to propose.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

It's too late. You ruined it.

I didn't ruin it.

Shya!

I've been planning this for weeks, and you spoiled it with one careless mouth fart.

"Mouth fart"?

I apologized, you jerk.

Oh, I'm the jerk?! When you ruined everything?!

Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. Are you proposing?

I was trying to.

Hey!

How about a picture for old Captain Spooky?

Arr, arr!

They're making me something called a website.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Oh, my God. That sounds so awkward...

Like something from a movie.

Not a good movie.

One of those crappy ones mom watches while she eats chocolate.

Well, we got engaged anyway.

So we have a bad proposal story.

But we always said one day, we'd look back at it and laugh.

(Laughs)

And that day's not today.

Okay, Mr. Stanovich, I'll see you real soon.

Oh, for your follow-up visit... Not, you know, your dirt nap.

Wow, Dr. Park. That's some costume.

Yeah, maybe next year, you could come as something more appropriate for a doctor, like... literally anything.

Whatever. At least my costume makes sense.

What are you supposed to be?

Duh. I'm bumble Beyoncé.

You don't know. You don't know Beyoncé.

So, what's, uh, this whole... mess?

I'm Khaleesi, from "Game of Thrones."

Oh.

I'm Pat, an adult, from this professional place of business.

Oh, may I?

Uh, sure.

Ah.

Um, Pat.

Remember when I told you the coffee maker was broken in the lounge?

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's worse now.

When you push "brew," fire comes out.

My advice?

Don't push "brew."

Hey, what's up?

He is not in the Halloween spirit.

Halloween's stupid, anyway.

All right, what's the matter?

We finally told the kids about how I proposed to Allison on Halloween.

You proposed on Halloween?

That is so sweet and original.

No? Why? It wasn't good?

He slit her throat?!

No. This means "stop!"

This means "stop."

You would be a terrifying crossing guard.

Anyway...

For 20 years, we've had to tell that crappy story, and I'm sick of it.

She deserves a better one.

So do it over.

Oh, sure. I'll just jump in my time machine.

Hey, maybe while I'm back there, I'll give the Menendez parents a heads-up.

No, I mean, like, re-propose. That's totally a thing.

You're right. That is a thing.

You know what? I'm gonna re-propose to her.

Oh, you know what you should do? Skywriting.

Great idea, because nothing says "I love you but hate the environment" like skywriting.

You know what? It's Halloween.

I bet I could do it exactly the way I first planned it and she would love that.

I wonder if Captain Spooky's carnival is still around.

Oh, yeah. It's still there.

Even after that thing with the masked fondler in the hay-bale maze?

That was three years ago, and they caught that lady.

This is great.

We're supposed to go to a party, but instead, I'll take her back there and surprise her.

I'm even gonna get her a new ring.

When we got married, all I could afford was the heirloom I bought from my grandmother.

You bought it from your grandmother?

Yeah, and I did not get a good deal.

After tonight, we're gonna have a story that everyone likes to tell.

(Chuckles)

Take me! Please?

Yeah, maybe this isn't the best costume.

♪

Damona.

Huh?

I have a major problem.

Are you the one who dropped her lipstick in the toilet?

Leave it, girl. Just leave it.

No!

I gave Pat a fentanyl lollipop.

You gave him a super-high-grade narcotic?!

By accident!

Ohhh!

A drug rep gave me these samples for patients who can't swallow pills, and I was distracted, and Pat took one off my desk.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Okay, okay! Stop!

Calm down.

You know what you need?

No!

Okay!

For all we know, he didn't even eat that thing.

Hey, everybody!

Everybody!

Every... bo... dy!

He ate that thing.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, God. I dosed my boss.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, J-Ju... lie.

Do you remember that lollipop you gave me?

Uh-huh.

Well, I just wanted to say thank you.

Those things are scrumdiddlyumptious!

(Laughs)

I didn't even know I knew that word!

♪

Ohh! Allison is gonna love it!

I know.

This re-proposal's gonna make my original proposal its bitch.

Sorry. I'm having trouble with your card.

Uh, I'll try it again.

(Cellphone rings)

Oh, Allison.

Oh.

Hello, my dear.

Ken, are you shopping?

No, I'm at work.

Paging Dr. Ken. Dr. Kendrick par...

What's up?

Well, the credit-card company called.

Someone's trying to use our card at a jewelry store.

A jewelry store? (Chuckles)

A jewelry store? (Laughs)

(Laughing) A jewelry store.

I tell you, everyone here at the hmo where I currently am is wondering why I keep saying "a jewelry store."

Okay, I guess I'll just cancel the card.

Oh, no, no, no. I'll take care of it.

Okay, but I need you to actually take care of it.

Why wouldn't I?

Because you didn't actually take care of our taxes or our mortgage payment or the life insurance.

Okay, the life-insurance thing would have been a big deal had one of us d*ed, but we didn't.

You always ignore the financial stuff, and it always falls on me.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm really busy at work.

Oh. (Laughs) Here we go.

I work, too, Ken.

I was with a patient when the credit-card company called.

I'm sorry... it's not like one of your patients is gonna die if you answer your phone.

Oh, and someone's gonna die if you answer the phone? Please.

It's family medicine, not the E.R.

The most serious thing you've dealt with is an ingrown toenail.

First of all, you know that's not true.

And second of all, that toenail was jacked up!

Whatever.

"Whatever" to you!

Forget it... I wouldn't re-propose to that chardonnay-crazed bog witch in a million years!

♪

I should just tell Pat what happened and take the consequences.

Are you crazy?

You dosed your boss without his consent, and now he is spinning in a chair!

No, there is only one thing to do here.

Hey, Pat.

Pat, Pat, Pat.

You know how we need one of those coffee makers in the lounge?

Wouldn't it be nice to have a fancy one that made lattes and stuff?

Yes! That would be nice.

I love lattes. We should totally do that.

Carry on!

And that's how you do that.

♪

(Panting)

Clark. What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

If you're ready to discuss that imaginary friend you had in college, you have to make an appointment.

You know what?

I don't think it's gonna be productive to talk about Keith until he is willing to come in with me.

It's about Ken.

What is it?

That fraud alert you got earlier?

It was him.

Oh, God!

Look, you can't know any of this, but he was out buying you a new engagement ring as part of this super-romantic re-proposal that he was planning for tonight.

(Chuckling) Oh, that is so sweet!

That doesn't sound like Ken at all.

I know. Right?

Wait... what do you mean he was planning?

Well, then you guys got into that fight, and his face turned the color of an angry Wyoming sunset, and then I tried on a pair of earrings that were stunning but weren't me.

And now he doesn't even want to do it anymore.

Oh, no!

He was trying to be romantic, and I ruined it!

Mm-hmm.

Just like I ruined his first proposal!

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

(Gasps)

I'm becoming the evil wife who ruins things, just like in that movie I watched last week while I was eating chocolate.

(Groans)

I got to fix this.

Good luck.

Oh, now you show up.

Classic Keith.

Hey, you guys are doing great work out there!

Hey! Do you like Rush?

Do you like Rush?!

This drum solo is sick.

I mean, you know, good sick, not sick sick.

Although, if it was sick sick, I'm sure you guys could heal it.

'Cause you're doing great work out there!

(Both laugh)

This is amazing!

What should we ask him for next?

Oh! Oh, okay! How about casual Fridays?

No, no, no, no... ultra-casual Fridays.

I'm talking sweatpants and no bra.

(Laughs)

Let these puppies play.

Whoo!

Oh.

Whoa. Whoa. Unh-unh. Where's Pat?

He was just right there.

No. No. No.

No! No! Pat?!

You said you'd keep an eye on him.

No, no, no! You said you'd keep an eye on him.

You were freaking out so much, I had to keep an eye on you!

Well, you didn't do a very good job, because you let me let him escape!

(Thud)

Ooh!

Hey.

I slammed my hand in the door.

Check it out.

(Damona): Oh!

That's not how it's supposed to be, right?

Oh, no. Pat, man.

Is it weird I don't feel anything?

Yep. Oh, boy. don't play with it.

Oh, Pat!

♪

Oh, hey, Molly. You went trick-or-treating, too?

That looks like a rich harvest.

No.

It's Gary!

(Gasps)

Dad is gonna be so mad! He loves Gary!

It wasn't my fault. I was driving with him.

I stopped short, and he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

Man, you are so dead.

I know. Dad is gonna ground me forever.

Or until I die from lecture poisoning.

Hey, guys. What's that?

Nothing.

It's my period stuff!

Ewwwwww!

Okay. Aah!

I could have accidentally seen something.

Wife.

Hi, honey.

I'm all ready for the party.

But what about our fight?

Insults were lobbed. "Whatevers" were hurled.

Angry texts were written and then wisely deleted.

Let's just move past it. It's Halloween.

I've been standing here dressed as a witch for almost a minute, and you haven't said...

"What? No costume?"

(Laughs)

Oh, come on!

(Sighs) All right, I'm sorry about earlier.

But you were right.

I do work fewer hours than you, and it makes sense for me to handle the bills and stuff, okay?

Come on.

Now, go throw on that sexy grim reaper costume, and let's do our Halloween as planned.

Yeah, 'cause I love you, and there's no reason for anyone not to do what they were planning on doing tonight.

(Giggles)

(Chuckles)

I'm sorry. I just had to say something. (Chuckles)

I feel like this is a big step in our marriage, 'cause you never admit when you're wrong.

So this is progress for you.

Yep. (Chuckles)

So, get dressed.

You know, stop talking for a little bit.

Grab your death stick.

No, no. This is a real teachable moment for you.

Some mistakes...

Go!

I don't want to be late.

(Chuckles)

♪

Kneecap.

Pliers.

Yum-yum.

Do we really have to do this whole surgery routine?

The way our costumes line up, we'd be fools not to.

Fine. Let's just finish this.

Shinbone.

(Gasps)

It's not in here!

Dad's gonna k*ll us!

What do you mean "us"?

You're the one who broke Gary.

But you helped me cover it up.

Like it or not, your scent is all over this now, Dave.

Oh, no!

Wait... the Kramers have a Halloween skeleton on their porch.

We can just take one of its shinbones.

That'll work, right?

It better. I just got all this candy.

I have so much to lose!

♪

Oh, this place hasn't changed much.

Ah. I see they added a scarecrow.

Oh, no... That's just the meth head that unloads the pumpkins.

Cider-keep. One cup for m'lady, please, for old times' sake.

Oh, crap. I left my wallet in my car.

Do you mind paying?

Sure.

Wow.

Just hours ago, something like that could have really set you off.

(Chuckling) Okay.

But you realized you were wrong.

Sure did.

And you took the necessary steps to make it right.

Good for you.

That's it.

I take back my apology.

You do dump all the money stuff on me, even though I work every bit as much as you do.

What? But you just said...

I know what I just said!

I was just trying to patch things up so you'd still do your re-proposal thing.

Wait... you knew about this?

That totally ruins it!

What is it with you?

It's like your hatred of proposals is rivaled only by your love of ruining.

I'm not trying to ruin anything!

You're the one who couldn't accept my apology without gloating like an idiot.

Your false apology!

Or, as they call it in Germany, a Portuguese "I'm sorry"!

Just do it so we can go home.

Fine.

I found my speech from 20 years ago.

Super.

There was also supposed to be a ring, but I think we know how that played out.

"Allison, the verdict is in. We're really good together."

Not gonna jump in here?

Because this is where you ruined the first one.

Hurry up.

There's a box of chardonnay in the fridge I actually do want to spend the rest of my life with.

Hey! I recognize you two.

You proposed here.

You remember that?

Sure. The carnival doesn't get a lot of proposals.

Yeah.

I put one of the polaroids I took of you on the bulletin board... Next to the picture of the guy that keeps trying to have sex with the pumpkins.

20 years. Wow.

So? How did it go?

Good. You know, we got married.

Both graduated and got jobs.

Bought a house, had two kids.

Beautiful kids.

Well, sounds like it went pretty good.

Yeah.

I guess it did.

Well, that's good.

I love a story with a happy ending.

I also love stories with robots.

Hey, let me take a picture, like I did 20 years ago.

You know what? I-I think I got a better pose for you.

Allison...

I always knew I loved you, (Voice breaking) But I had no idea how amazing it'd be to build a family and a life with you.

(Sniffles)

But I do now.

And I love you more than ever.

So, will you marry me... again?

I will.

(Applause)

Hey, buddy, I couldn't get my flash to work.

You mind doing that again?

Who can figure these out?

♪

So, we acted out the proposal two more times while Captain Spooky messed with his phone.

Eventually, we just took a selfie with ours.

Aww!

Aww!

And now we have a proposal story that we both like to tell.

Oh, hey, look. There's a scarecrow in the background.

Yep. That's a scarecrow.

Mm-hmm.

Cool. Well, things were boring and uneventful here.

So... now that you're home, I'm gonna head over to Kendra's.

Okay. Be home by 12:00.

And bedtime for you.

I'll lie down, but with all the sugar in my veins, we both know it's just a charade.

Oh, hey, I thought you took Gary over to Kendra's for the party.

Ohh, yeah.

I was gonna, but I know how valuable he is to you, and I just didn't want to risk anything.

You know what, Molly?

Sometimes, we don't give you enough credit for being responsible.

You don't. But thanks.

(Sighs)

Molly!

♪

Pat! What happened to your hand?

I don't know!

Damona?

Who said you could come to work in sweatpants?

You did... yesterday.

Well, then I guess it's okay.

Aah!

Son of a biscuit! Aah!

All right, everybody works through lunch.

I miss fun Pat.

Yeah, I do, too, but I have a feeling his legacy is going to live on.

What's that?

Well, yesterday, I had him sign 30 blank request forms.

I want an electric stapler.

Ooh!

And some kind of device that keeps lipstick out of the toilet.

I'm gonna mark that one "urgent."

No, I don't know what's going on, either, Keith.