01x09 - Ken Cries Foul

[bunniefuu]

[laughs] Oh, Chris Paul's on fire!

Nothing but net!

[sighs] Come on, Dave. You're missing it.

If the drought continues at this rate, Soon we'll have to get our water from Colorado.

Colorado? Oh, no.

What will those hippies fill their bongs with?

What?

Nothing.

All right, look at how these guys are playing defense.

Always making stops...

Dave, can I see that, please?

Oh. Whoop.

Now, I want you to watch this, dawg.

Your team has a playoff game coming up.

You might learn something.

[Whistle blows]

What?! Are you kidding me?

That's a terrible call, ref!

Come on, you're k*lling me!

Right? He wasn't traveling.

No, the guy on the bench took one sip of water and threw it out.

So wasteful, number 10.

I bet you flush every time, even when it's just pee!

All right, solid trash talk.

Liking the tone, we just have to work on the message.

How long are your showers, buddy? An hour?!

All right, beast. Take a knee.

I just can't get the kid interested in basketball.

I mean, you try to force them into doing stuff like they say in all the parenting books...

Wait, what parenting books did you read?

I skimmed them, okay?

The point is, all Dave cares about is that stupid drought.

So what if it doesn't rain as long as you can rain buckets down on suckas, am I right?

No, we need actual rain.

I thought Dave would be more of a baller considering the physical advantages you gave him.

Thanks?

Nope.

I'm surprised they let a tiny bird like you even watch basketball.

Okay, I was actually decent when I was little.

I mean, for the first eight games I sucked and I really wanted to quit...

Anyway, this one game against the junior panthers, down by one, two seconds left, I grab the rock, I drove through the paint, I flipped it up, nothing but nylon and I got the "w."

Okay, I am lost.

He scored. They won.

And then he got to stay at the "w"?

No, nobody stayed at the "w."

I made a basket, and I fell in love with the game.

And that's all I want for Dave...

You know, that one shining moment.

I had my share of shining moments.

You know, very oily skin.

Fortunately, no one noticed.

They were distracted by my back brace.

Man, you had a rough childhood.

Childhood?

No, I'm talking about my early 30s.

Oh, my God!

Check this out. Check this out.

My friend Joanne's renting a house in Cabo this weekend, and room just opened up.

Wow! I mean, I only met her that one time at lunch.

But that lunch must have gone pretty well [singsong voice] cause she's inviting me to Mexico.

No, no.

She's inviting me to Mexico.

Oh.

Guess that lunch didn't go as well as I thought.

Oh, wait, I can't go.

I'm all out of vacation days.

Oh, that's too bad.

Ooh. Remember a while back when Pat accidentally said something racially insensitive and offered you vacation days to not report him?

Oh, I do remember that.

You are the best!

Thanks. Tell that to Joanne.

Hey, Pat. You got a sec?

I have tons of secs. [Sex]

Well, that was unfortunate.

So what can I help you with?

Oh, um, well, Dr. Ken is trying to get his son into basketball.

Oh, has he tried forcing him like they say in the parenting books?

Yeah, that didn't work.

Oh.

So, I was wondering who here on the staff do you think would be best to help him out with basketball?

You, obviously.

I mean, you have the genetics.

Yeah, I mean, didn't you tell me your dad was a basketball coach?

You must have picked something up.

Yeah.

He was a basketball coach.

[Chuckles]

Damn it.

It's a shame your dad didn't coach race baiting.

You'd be packing your bags right now.

♪

Whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

To a study group.

I'm sorry.

Did you say "study group" or "slutty group?"

What are you studying... Business?

'Cause everyone can basically see yours.

Go finish getting dressed.

Oh, so I'm not allowed to go out in this?

Fine, step all over my first amendment rights.

First amendment? Which one's that?

Right to bare everything?

Ooh, constitutionally burnt.

[Groans]

Where's the rest of your outfit?

It's hiding, along with your athletic talent.

The joke's on you... I know I'm not good at sports.

Mom, can I skip my basketball game tomorrow night?

What? Of course not, buddy. It's the playoffs.

Are you mom?

Why don't you want to go, Dave?

Because they're having a city council hearing about the drought.

And basketball's stupid.

Okay, if you really don't want to go to the game...

You know what?

Your dad and I will discuss it.

Why don't you go chill in the den?

You know, the lion's den?

Because that's what your team's called?

That's news to me.

Seriously? You're gonna let him quit basketball?

Look, I know we want them to finish what they start...

That's right.

Yet he quit soccer after two games, tennis after one week, and you let him quit swimming after 10 minutes.

I didn't let him quit.

I pulled him out of the pool unconscious.

You can't force kids to stick with things they don't want to do.

It'll make them reluctant to try new things.

Look, sometimes someone encourages you to do something you don't want to do and you end up liking it.

Don't bring up our wedding night.

I'm just saying, I was hesitant, and you encouraged me.

And now I love that.

Let's face it, you've made him play basketball for the last two seasons and he hasn't gotten a lot out of it.

And it's the last game.

But what if this is the game where he has his one shining moment?

Look, if my parents had let me quit, I never would have had mine.

Did I ever tell you about the time I dr...

Drove to the paint, threw it up, and stayed at the "w."

Why does everyone think I stayed at the "w"?

I know you would love for him to be into basketball, but he's just not a sporty kid.

No, he thinks he's not a sporty kid, and that kills me, because I don't him to label himself at such a young age.

And all it takes is one play to go his way.

And who knows?

Maybe in a year he'll grow a few inches and score some buckets and he'll start to believe in himself.

Okay. I'll make you a deal.

He plays tomorrow.

Deal. Very reasonable. Thank you, Allison.

No, no. But... but... but...

If he doesn't have his "shining moment" and he dislikes it as much as he has all season, we never make him play ever again.

Okay. Fair enough.

Hey, there's my little Korean Abdul-Jabbar.

Does this mean I have to play?

Yes, it does, buddy, but it'll be great.

Trust me. Oh, look.

Chris Paul dishes to park, who's open in the corner!

You caught it.

Yeah, 'cause it's food.

Okay, I don't know what your coach has been teaching you, but this is a lay-up.

You dribble, take two steps, and lay it up.

Watch and learn.

Dad, I'm just not a jock like you.

Aww, thanks, buddy. But you can be a jock.

It's not just about natural talent.

It's about desire, effort, focus...

The Kellners' sprinklers are on and it's not even a watering day.

[Sighs]

Hey, the only drought you should be worried about is your scoring drought. Mm?

Ah, wordplay... The crutch of the unclever.

Kobe!

♪

Any luck with the Pat thing?

Not yet.

I got some new stuff locked and loaded.

Oh, Pat is gonna get me to Mexico.

Should be doable.

The little person in accounting ended up with a car.

Hey, Pat.

Mm-hmm?

Guess what.

A new Tyler Perry movie just opened.

Oh, you've got to go see it. You would love it.

Oh, really?

And why exactly would I love it, Pat?

[Laughs] Because everybody would love it.

It's hysterical. I saw it last weekend.

He plays... He plays, like, three women, all different sizes.

I mean [Laughs]

The man... The man is a genius.

Oh [Laughs]

Damn it.

Movie was kind of funny, though.

When the two grandmothers start farting...

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! Spoiler-alert.

Sorry.

[Laughs] Carbo-loading for the big game.

[Chuckles]

No, I'm just eating my feelings about missing the city council meeting.

Well, why don't you put the rest of your feelings in a tupperware and eat them later?

We've got to get going.

Again? Are you kidding me?

What? I thought I'd wear a nice outfit to go support my brother?

Do you have another brother who's a pimp?

You guys just don't get it. Fashion is all about taking risks.

Like the risk of getting your private parts sun burnt?

Come on, mom. I'm sure you wore plenty of things grandma didn't approve of.

Like, I don't know, go-go boots and poodle skirts.

How old do you think I am?

Look, even in high school, I prided myself on dressing appropriately.

They say "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

You mean you always dressed like a therapist?

But that's the job you have.

Did you have a different job in high school?

Okay, it wasn't the clearest analogy.

Go find something appropriate to wear.

But we're gonna be late for the game.

Okay, Molly, just meet us there.

Fine.

Maybe I shouldn't go, either.

This t*nk top doesn't leave a lot to the imagination.

[Whistle blows, cheering]

You can do this, Dave! You got this!

He's on the bench, tying his shoe.

Yeah, like a boss.

No, rabbit through the hole, yo!

Whoo-hoo! Youth sports ball.

Is Dave's team in white or cerise?

Clark, what are you doing here?

You said you had a date.

Oh, you know what? I did.

But then I thought, "if this is important to you, it is important to me."

Guy stood you up?

Bitch did not even text.

Go Dave!

Hey, guys. How's it the game?

Well, Dave's not in yet. But...

[Cheering]

OMG, love.

Two questions... "What the hell?" And "are you insane?"

Okay, that's it.

I'm looking up convents in the 818.

I'm surprised you're making such a big deal about this.

In fact, I thought this skirt might look a little familiar, mom.

Oh, it does.

Oh, very clever.

You went to the attic and got out all my high school clothes.

Hmm, you got me. You really got me.

So, I guess when you said you would never wear something like this, you lied to me?

Yeah, I feel really stupid.

But probably not as stupid as you, because that skirt you're wearing...

It's a headband.

You want to put your coat back on?

Sure, but only because I'm chilly.

[Booing]

Settle down, pervs. You wish.

Ah!

Oh, no. The ref got hurt.

Good, he sucks.

What's the matter with you?

Am I wrong?

Okay, guys. Take a knee.

Is anyone here a doctor?

I'm off the clock.

Fine.

[Groans]

Oh, yeah.

Bad sprain. You're done.

Ice it, stay off it for a few days, which will give you time to learn the rules of basketball so you can stop ruining children's lives.

I doubt we can find another ref.

I guess it's a forfeit, huh?

I'll be in the car.

Stay. Sit.

I can ref.

Does he know how to ref?

No, but not knowing how to do something has never stopped him before.

Okay. Let's do this.

[Blows whistle] Oof!

Someone hit the cool ranch pretty hard for lunch.

[Barks]

[Blows whistle]

♪

[Blows whistle]

Out. Out.

[Blows whistle]

Air ball. Air ball.

Outlawed ball.

[Blows whistle]

Foul, number 23.

Oh, don't give me that look. You mugged him.

Give him back his wallet. Two sh*ts.

Oh, you think you're so cute...

Well, you are irresistible.

All right, one sh*t.

[Blows whistle]

[Blows whistle]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, oh, oh...

Offensive foul!

Good call, ref.

Oh, "good call ref."

One more compliment and you're out of here!

Hey, hey, hey. Respect our couches, ref.

[Mockingly] Hey, hey, hey...

One more outburst and you're out of here!

[Blows whistle]

Traveling.

[Laughs] Next time, try the right line.

Travel left-side. Trust me, it's fine.

Going the other way!

[Blows whistle]

All right, that's the end of a pretty sloppy third quarter.

[Applause]

Water break.

Come on, dad. Be part of the solution.

No, Joanne, I don't know if I'm gonna make it.

I'm trying.

Oh, got to go.

Hey, Pat. You want to guess who my two favorite female tennis stars are or my preferred way of cooking chicken?

Damona...

Hmm?

I know what you're up to.

You do?

Oh, yes.

Coming up, engaging me in all these random conversations, it's pretty obvious, really.

You're flirting with me.

Oh, no, no. No, no, no...

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Damona, please.

It's only natural. I know that you know that I've recently become available and I'm up to 10 minutes a day on the old nordic track.

I can only imagine that my power, both professional and raw...

Ha.

Is quite alluring.

Pat, I was...

Damona, don't be embarrassed.

Trust me.

If circumstances were different, I'd be all over that.

Mm.

But we work together, so it must never be.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I understand. I've hurt you.

Hey, maybe you should take a day off work, you know?

Just to... Just until you get all of, uh, this...

Out of your system.

Oh, so you're saying that I could take a day off?

Whatever you need.

Bye, Pat.

Still got it, Pat.

You still freaking got it.

<i>Defense, defense.</i>

[Blows whistle]

Good job.

Aw, you're out of real estate, Adilman.

Going the other way!

Subs!

Subs, coming in.

Okay, remember what I told you.

About pointing out a pretty girl's flaws to knock her down to your level?

No! I mean, yes, it works every time...

But I'm talking about basketball.

If you get a sh*t, take it.

<i>Come on, Dave.</i

[Applause]

♪ ♪

[Blows whistle]

What did you say to me?

I didn't say anything.

Argue with me.

What?

Oh, you talking back to the ref?

Are you sassing me?

No, I just... I didn't know...

Oh, really?

You want some of this?

Okay, fine.

[Blows whistle]

You're out of the game!

Go! Go to your drought thing.

That's right, keep walking, pal.

[Laughs]

You mom will drive you. Love you, son.

You get out of here!

You get out of here. You get out of here!

Seriously? Even with a coat?

Can we finish the game?

You know what?

I'm gonna go watch my son do something he actually wants to do.

Clark, you're the ref.

No worries, Dr. Ken. I got this.

I seen it on "espin."

So, I am not super-firm on the rules, so just... honor system.

And serving!

♪

Dave, you were<i> en fuego</i> at that hearing.

[Chuckles]

When you told the council that their conservation plan was myopic and naive, I was like, "h2-oh-no-he-didn't!"

I know, I heard you. Thanks, dad.

Ooh, left the meeting agenda in the car.

I want to put it up where my trophies would go.

Mom, thanks for, you know, lending me your headband.

Sorry about the misunderstanding.

That's okay.

You know, you did have a lot of cute clothes up there.

You think so?

Yeah, you must have been like the hottest girl at all those sock hops.

I'm not 70!

I'm really proud of you.

That was super sweet, what you did back there.

I call them like I see them.

And even though it wasn't on the basketball court, Dave got his shining moment after all.

When he accused councilman Sanders of being in the pocket of big sod, you could hear a pin drop.

Well, there were only six people there.

So for most of it, you could hear a pin drop.

I know it would have been great for you if Dave was into basketball, but whatever his passion ends up being, you'll share it with him.

Al, I know I say it so often and it might have lost its meaning, but you were right and I was wrong.

No, that will always mean something to me.

[Laughs]

[Whistle blows]

Oh!

You got blocked.

Yeah, it's okay. It's okay.

I have a new air ball.

Out! Out! Other way!

Oh, good. That was good.

Outlawed ball. His fault.

Oh, I messed up. Sorry about that.

You redeemed yourself after an air ball!

You can get a second chance. Don't worry about it.

That's like the second time.

You must feel bad, but you'll get better.

You've got too cute. You just dribble.

Positive energy, guys.

Yeah! Yeah! Good job. Good job.

Yeah, you got me there. You got me there.

You got too cute.

I have a new villain. New hero. New hero!

Make sure you at least hit the rim.

I mean, I know you're sad. Are you okay?

Don't pass it to 42. He air balls.

It was pretty embarrassing.

Go lions! I mean, two sh*ts.