01x15 - The Wedding Sitter

All right, everybody.

Drop those patient charts.

I have something important.

Which tux should I wear to Dr. Tuttle's wedding this weekend?

Not to be rude, but those look exactly the same.

To be rude, I don't care.

Come on, guys.

I've been pumped for this wedding since the invitation came two months ago.

Wait, you got your invitation two months ago?

Mine only came last week.

Mine too!

You know what this means?

We're on the B Team for Tuttle's wedding.

Guys, I'm sure that's not the case.

An invitation is an invitation.

I don't know.

Mine was addressed to "Dr. Julie Dobbs or current resident."

When I see Dr. Tuttle, I'm gonna scream in his face.

There he is! Hi, Dr. Tuttle!

Ooh! Man of the hour!

[Screaming] We can't wait for your wedding!

Told you.

Ah, come on, bro!

Give me a little preview of the event.

[Chuckles] What am I working with?

Oh, it's gonna be amazing.

We got the best deejay. You know Deejay Jazzy Jeff?

[Gasps]

We got his cousin...

Alan Jazzy Jeff.

Well, I hope he's as talented on the ones and twos as his cousin, 'cause I’s bring some serious noise to the dance floor, yo.

Here's a little taste.

Pat: Tuttle!

Hey, well, after tomorrow you no longer be a free man.

Well, last call to get some honey on the old stinger, eh?

Yeah, I'm good.

All right, I'll see you.

I'll see y'all tomorrow.

All right!

Bye-bye.

[Screaming] It's gonna be a beautiful celebration!

I've had it.

Oh, Ken, swank formal wear.

Yeah.

I've been renting mine since I lost it in a fire... started by my wife... while it was still on my body.

Anyway, quick download about this wedding... now, out of respect for my desire to only socialize with those at or above my status, I'm gonna request that the three of you... don't talk to me directly.

And I don't want any of your usual pushback.

You got it.

Tough but fair.

Thy will be done.

Ah!

Good group. Very respectful.

And, oh, good luck picking your tux.

But remember, they all look the same when they're on fire.

The food is gonna be awesome!

Oh, and Will Smith's deejay's cousin is spinning, so you know the tunes are gonna be dope!

Yay!

Look, I know you don't love weddings, but this one's gonna be de-luxe.

Mom, you don't like weddings?

They're fine... I'm just not as into them as your father is.

It's true. She wanted to elope... almost denied me my dream wedding.

Well, what would have been my dream wedding, which she almost ruined anyway.

I accidentally saw him in his tux before the ceremony.

[Gasps]

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, no. [Gasps] Megan's got food poisoning!

She can't babysit tonight.

What are we gonna do?

[Sighs]

You know what? You go.

I'll stay here with the kids.

It's all your work people.

You'll have a great time without me.

No, I can't go without you.

Who would I dance with?

Oh, and that thing I do when I say, "hi, I'm Ken Park and this is my wife Jurassic."

[Laughs] People love that.

We can't just leave Dave alone.

It'll be okay. I'll watch "Home Alone."

It'll be a night of irony.

Okay, Molly, you're staying home with Dave tonight.

What? No!

I'm supposed to go to the grove with my friends!

Oh, really? How long you been planning that?

A couple days.

Oh, yeah?

I've been planning this for a couple of months, girl.

I even got two haircuts for this... one to train my part, the other to reinforce it.

You will not take this night away from me.

Okay, fine, I'll do it.

[Chuckles smugly]

For the record, I liked your hair before.

Don't go there.

Okay, problem solved.

[Cellphone dings] Oh!

And our Uber driver Varis is here!

[Chuckles]

Varis! We're coming, buddy!

Now, remember, Uber passengers are rated, too, so just be cool.

Last time I pulled a two-star after a pretty serious directional dispute.

Yeah. I remember.

How do you not take Cahuenga?!

Hey, guys, I don't see my name.

Is there a world where they think my name is "Cliff?"

Because there's a "Cliff."

Man, we don't have any seats!

Classic B Team.

Oh, I don't where, but I'm sitting down at some point.

I can't just stand up all night... not in these heels, not in this dress, not in this wig.

Oh, hey, Pat. What are you doing over here?

Oh, I'm just trying to avoid the others.

Who?

Oh, you know, the ones from work.

You know, the one with the Wanda Sykes-style attitude, the guy who always sounds like he's greeting people at a Renaissance Fair, and the gal with the, uh, the voice of a... of a helium addict.

I've been looking for you.

Why aren't you dancing?

Ah, well, I recently tore my ACL in a conga line, but, with that said, when the music calls, I must answer.

See you out there.

[Chuckles]

Ah.

[Grunts] Come on, girl.

You want me to call your mama and tell her you refuse to shake what she gave you?

Okay, fine. Let's go.

♪ That girl is poison ♪
♪ Never trust a big butt and smile ♪
♪ That girl is poison ♪
♪ If I were you, I'd take precaution ♪
♪ Before I start to meet my girl ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ 'Cause in some motion ♪
♪ You'll think she's the best thing in the world ♪
♪ She's so fly ♪
♪ She'd drive you right out of your mind ♪
♪ Steal your heart when you're blind ♪

[Screams]

[Doorbell rings, TV chatter]

Did we order pizza already?

Bless you, child. I am starving!

Hi, Mrs. Pancake.

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

It's a pleasure to sit for little Dave again.

So, has he been changed?

Well, it wouldn't hurt to check.

Molly, a word.

Why is she here? She hasn't sat for us in years.

I called Mrs. P out of retirement so I can go to the grove with my friends.

That's not fair.

Why do you get to go out and I have to stay here?

[Scoffs] Where would you even go?

There's a "Magic: The Gathering" gathering at Gamer's Paradise.

I'm sure one of the nerds will blog about it.

Yeah, that nerd could have been me.

I'll tell Mom and Dad.

[Groans] Fine.

You can order pizza and pick whatever toppings you want.

Yes!

Hello, cheese pizza topped with mini cheese pizzas.

Okay. He's in bed by 10:30, he can have all the pizza he wants, but try to limit his sugar consumption.

Make sure he flosses, brushes, and wears his night guard.

Make sure you tarp his pillow, because the mouth guard makes him drool.

And make sure you turn his fan on high, because the tarp makes him sweat.

I remember the drill!

Ooh.

What I would do to that guy after 12 dates.

Julie, just give it up.

Finding love at a wedding isn't real.

You know what is real?

That raw bar... I'm gonna go post up.

You coming?

No.

Your oyster etiquette leaves a lot to be desired.

I slurp how I slurp.

Oh, sorry.

No. No, please.

No, no, no. I'm just grabbing a beer.

You like beer?

I love beer.

[Laughs]

I love beer!

Oh!

That's so crazy!

It's so crazy.

I've never met anybody else who likes beer.

Don't tell me you also like food.

I'm obsessed with it.

[Laughs]

Literally eat it three times a day... could not survive without it.

Okay. On the count of three, name your favorite TV show, all right?

One, two, three... "House of Cards."

Whatever yours is!

Oh, my God. What are the chances, huh?

[Laughter]

Hello, fellow table mates.

[Table quiets]

So!

Where do you all know the happy couple from?

We all went to college with Beth.

Did you go to Dartmouth?

Never heard of it.


There you are.

Oh, why do you keep ghosting me on the dance floor?

Oh. I thought you were ghosting me.

This place must be pretty haunted, huh?

[Laughs]

Okay, Alli, you know what?

I've held this in for a while, but I'm just gonna say it...

Your whole "I don't like weddings" thing... it's a real bummer.

It's a bummer?

Yeah! I'm trying to have fun with you, and it's like you don't even want to be here.

Bum-mer.

You know what, Ken? As long as we're being honest, the truth is I love weddings.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do.

The only thing I don't like about weddings is dancing with you.

[Gasps]

I'm an amazing dancer!

No. Actually, Ken, you know what you are? You're a selfish dancer.

[Gasps]

You don't dance with me. Occasionally you dance at me, but mostly you're all about you.

That's ridiculous! We danced for six straight songs together.

Ken, I left the dance floor 5 1/2 songs ago, and you didn't even notice.

Really? Before "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

Nobody had even noticed the dogs were missing yet.

Selfish dancer.

I'm not a selfish dancer!

You're clearly just not ready for this jelly.

Mrs. Pancake, your lips look dusty.

Would you care for something to drink?

You sweet boy. I'd love a milk, please.

How about I turn this on for you?

[Game show theme plays]

Oh!

Announcer: Today's contestants are...

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

Were you followed?

From next door? No.

Look. Her name is Mrs. Pancake, like the food.

Copy.

Pizza's on the way, so enjoy that.

I already ate.

This isn't about you.

And bedtime is 10:30 go willingly.

Of course.

Here's some milk.

Oh, and I would not engage her on immigration.

[TV chatter]

Here you go, Mrs. Pancake.

Ohh.

There he is! Good to see you, bud.

Having fun?

Actually, I'm not having fun.

Okay, great, got to run... pictures.

Mm. Mm.

You got a lot of guts signing up for this, 'cause, man, let me tell you, a marriage can be a-brutal.

Okay. Thanks for the heads up.

I should really get going to...

Just when you think you're in a good place, bam!

She ups and calls you a selfish dancer!

Can you believe that?

You know, this is something you should probably discuss with your wife.

I'm not selfish!

I'm a massively gifted dancer, Allison!

I've been electrifying audiences from the moment my feet first graced the dance floor!

Good for you. Can I just...

The year was 1982.

Please no...

A 12-year-old Ken Park, still a decade and a half from puberty, took to the dance floor for the first time with moves only his mirror had seen.

That night was a huge turning point for me, because before that... oh, my God.

I've been an idiot.

I'm gonna go talk to my wife.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, and you should go talk to your wife.

She looks cranky.

You know, I never understood why it's called Super Mario Brothers, either.

I mean, their names are Mario and Luigi.

Right? I mean, is their last name Mario?

So, what, is it Luigi...

Both: and Mario Mario?

That's mental.

That's mental.

That's mental.

So mental.

Uh, I'm gonna head to the men's.

These Michelob Ultras are going right through me.

Promise me you won't move?

I'm not going anywhere.

Come on!

You guys are not gonna believe it.

I met someone and he is amazing!

Okay, good for you, Clarky, but we got to bounce.

We're at the wrong wedding.

What are you talking about?

That's why we didn't have any place cards and why the cocktail napkins say "Mr. and Mrs. Tutupu."

And when I went to congratulate Dr. Tuttle, he was a foot taller than usual and significantly more Samoan.

We're in the terrace ballroom.

The Tuttle wedding's in the garden ballroom.

But... Connor and I haven't exchanged info.

I'll never see him again.

Sorry, not leaving, not sorry.

Okay, I'll go!

Connor, if you are listening, write down my e-mail address!

It's "leave it to Clark underscore Beavers at aol.com!"

That's aol.com!

Allison, you were right.

I am a selfish dancer.

But there's a reason.

The year was 1982.

Please, no.

That night I had asked every girl to dance with me, and I got shut down by all of them.

So, faced with the prospect of eternal loneliness and no one to dance with, I took action.

[Screams]

I realized my filthy moves were just a way for me to fit in because I didn't have a partner.

That's why I became a selfish dancer.

Hey, you have a partner now.

I know, and you're the best partner in the world.

Honestly, I wouldn't even want a young hot one like Tuttle just scored.

Point is, will you dance with me?

You know, you people have been showing each other pictures of your kids for... for a real long time now.

Oh! Thank God!

Ohh!

Oh!

I was wrong to impose such harsh social restrictions on you people.

Ah, tonight has just been horrible.

I would have had a much better time with you.

So, please, join me.

Because tonight I'm not only your employer, I am also your boss.

Sorry, Pat. Your rules are your rules.

You seemed pretty adamant before.

All I have is my word, so...

Pat, bye!

Did you see what I said to Pat?

I said, "Pat, bye."

[Laughter]

[Laughs sadly]

Clark, are you bummed about Connor?

Of course.

I meet the perfect guy at the wrong wedding.

And when I do show up at the right one, the photo booth is broken so I can't document my misery.

Excuse me, I think I'm at the wrong wedding.

[Laughs]

[Gasps] Hi!

Hi.

I was looking all over for you, and then I overheard somebody talking about three misfits who crashed the wedding.

And how one of them more or less cleaned out the raw bar.

That crab was for real.

And I had a feeling one of those misfits was you.

You know what? I don't think you're at the wrong wedding.

I think that you are in exactly the right place.

Aw!

[Chanting] Go, Clark! Go, Clark!

Both: Go, go, go, Clark!

Julie: Aww!

♪ That sweet morning dew ♪
♪ I took one look at you ♪
♪ And it was plain to see you were my destiny ♪
♪ You're all ♪
♪ With arms open wide ♪
♪ I threw away my pride ♪
♪ I sacrifice for you ♪
♪ Dedicate my life to you ♪
♪ Oh-ho ♪
♪ I will go where you lead ♪
♪ Come on, babe ♪
♪ You're always there in time of need ♪
♪ And when I lose my will ♪
♪ You'll be there to push me up the hill ♪
♪ There's no, no looking back for us ♪
♪ We got love, sure 'nough that's enough ♪
♪ You're all ♪
♪ You're all I need ♪
♪ To get by ♪

[Screaming]

Whew!

That was close!

They were right to kick us out.

Oh, absolutely.

Even the use of force was justified.

But before it all went down, kind of fun, right?

I had a great time dancing with you.

Really?

And you know what?

I'm actually looking forward to the next wedding we go to together.

Me too.

Uh, Gevork, what are you doing?

I said, "take Cahuenga!"

You still haven't answered the question...

"even if you could build that wall, who's gonna pay for it?"

[Telephone rings]

Go for Mrs. Pancake.

Hi, Mrs. Pancake. It's Molly.

Just calling to check on Dave.

Oh, he's fine.

We ordered pizza, and he gobbled down an entire slice.

Dave only ate one slice?

Can I speak with him, please?

Go for Dave Park.

Henry?!

Hi, my older sister, Molly.

[Phone rings]

Go for Dave Park.

I can't believe you snuck out!

[Cellphone beeps]

Hold on, I'm getting another call.

Hi, Mom.

Hey, sweetie. How's it going?

Perfectly. Why would you ask that?

Just checking in. Can we say hi to Dave?

No. He's pooping.

Attaboy.

Anyway, your mom and I were deemed too cool for the wedding, so we'll be home in 20.

20? That's perfect!

[Laughs nervously]

Okay, see you soon, bye!

[Chuckles]

Mrs. Pancake?

Henry?

Who's Henry? This is Dave.

And he didn't even need to be changed.

Where are the kids?

Oh, hey, guys. 'Sup?

What's going on?

Oh! This little 'sitch?

Yeah, Dave and I were hanging out together, having a great time.

And Henry called to see if I was available, which I'm never not.

So, Henry comes over, and I'm like, "who wants ice cream?"

And, you know, Dave was in, but poor Henry had just come from a creamery tour.

And, of course, Molly couldn't leave him here alone.

So I rang up Mrs. pancake to watch him while we were gone.

Then Molly and I got ice cream, ate it, and here we are.

The end.

Thanks, Mrs. P. Awesome stuff tonight.

Thanks, Henry. Solid hang.

Come on, Henry. I'll give you a ride home.

Ever been in a sidecar before?

So sweet.

It's nice to see the kids doing something together.

Yeah, even if that something is lying to us.

So you're saying... ohhhh!

And that's why... ahhhh!

[Laughs]

Which explains mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I have no idea what happened here tonight.

Arthur, I'm home!

And I had quite a night.