01x22 - Ken Tries Stand Up

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me. I'm looking for Dr. Ken Park.

About yea high.

Looks like an Asian lesbian, acts like an Asian gay man.

Clark, can you call Tanya at Nail Depot and tell her next time there's a bubble in my top coat, I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Absolutely.

Buddy!

Doug!

Oh, my... oh, look at you, Mr. Clean.

You here for a shine? [Imitates squeaking]

Look at you. Still working at Doctors Without Decorators, huh?

[Laughs]

This is my old buddy Doug.

He's a stand-up comic, which means he's bitter and poor.

Better than being short and ugly.

Is it, Doug?

You know what?

I'm in town for a couple days at the Laugh Factory.

Oh, is that no longer a comedy club?

[Laughs]

So, let me guess.

You still don't have health insurance, so you dropped by for a free checkup?

I was hoping you could fit me in in between putting toe tags on the rest of your patients.

Did he hear about last week?

[Laughs]

Okay, all right, just shut up, Julie.

Hey, why don't you talk that woman you duped into marrying you to come to my show tonight?

Ooh, yeah, we'd love to hear your fresh take on Internet dating and how everyone's eating kale.

[Chuckles]

I'll leave you some comp tickets at the box office.

Comp tickets?

I'm intrigued.

Who are you, friend?

Pat, this is my buddy Doug from college.

He does stand-up.

Ah. Well, put me down for one comp ticket.

You a big comedy guy?

No, I'm more of a "live sex show" guy.

But those are hardly ever free.

You guys, why are we sitting here?

Surgeons took our table.

Yeah, they think they're so much better than us.

Why? Just 'cause they have tons more education and way more money and are more attractive?

You know what, guys?

They're better than us.

They don't have more money than me.

I inherited a fortune after that satellite fell on my grandma.

What? I never told y'all that story? [Chuckles]

Craziest thing I ever seen.

[Clattering]

Whoa.

[Groans]

This is ridiculous.

We don't have to take this.

You know what?

Julie is right.

We are gonna march over there confidently, and Damona is going to say something.

Man: Right there, concierge is standing there.

I didn't notice at first. I was there myself to check...

Excuse me, hi.

I know you don't know this, but we usually sit here.

And who are you?

Family Medicine.

That's my low-sodium soy sauce.

I just leave that there.

That is how much our table this is.

Really enjoyed the chat.

Now leave us alone.

And that's how I met Stephen Dorff.

Uh, excuse me, but I don't think you heard me.

I said this is our table.

Oh, I heard you.

So, what color Tesla do you think I should get?

Okay, well, can I at least get my low-sodium soy sauce back?

This soy sauce?

Yeah.

Right here?

Right there.

Sure.

Thank you.

Damona: [Gasps]

Your pastry!

No, he did not do that to your pastry!

No. No.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, D.K.

Unannounced.

Not unannounced.

I rang doorbell.

Melon ripe. In season.

Oh, good, another box of unwanted fruit.

And is it super heavy?

[Grunting] Perfect.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, we don't need those.

Oh, you say that now, but when melon hunger hits, best to have melon.

So wise, Papa.

Well, we got to get to the Laugh Factory.

Doug usually only gets like five minutes.

That's right.

We missed him last time because someone refused to valet park.

Oh, sure, $20 cover and valet?

Hey, why don't we buy a tiger while we're at it?

We'll live like rappers.

Mom, Dad, there's this new video game that everyone has.

If you really want me to fit in like you claim to, I need it immediately.

Dave, you don't need another violent video game.

But "Blood Lust" is educational.

It's like an anatomy lesson.

When you win a sword fight, your victim is cut wide open.

You can see everything. [Laughs]

You want to take this one?

Fine.

You'll have it by tomorrow.

No.

No!

What's wrong with you, Dave?

Geez.

You don't need video game.

You need exercise.

Kids today just sit on their butts staring at screens.

You're soft.

He's not wrong.

I'll make a deal.

I'll buy you that inappropriate video game if you can do more push-ups than me by next week.

Can you do more than zero?

That's his personal best.

Yeah, and that's when I was working out.

See, Allison? No valet. Not so bad.

Yeah. I really enjoyed the eight-block walk uphill.

[Laughs]

Well, thanks for dropping me off in front.

[Laughs]

Hey, Parks. Thanks for saving me a seat.

We didn't.

So... I did a little light Googling on your friend, and, uh, apparently he is blowing up.

Yeah, just recorded a one-hour comedy special and posted a scathing review of a carpet store on Yelp.

That's light Googling?

Well, for me, yeah.

When I go deep, I can tell you a guy's shoe size, little miss 7 1/2.

Switch seats with me.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

The Laugh Factory's proud to present one of Variety's top 10 comics to watch.

You'll see him on "Jimmy Kimmel" next week.

He's here for you right now.

How about a big hand for Mr. Doug Miller!

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, everybody!

Thanks for coming out.

What's up, cutie?

Thanks for sitting in the front row.

You brought your Uber driver, great.

[Laughter]

This girl asked me out the other day.

She told me she was an actress in p*rn movies.

So, I was like, "All right, well, when do you want to go out?"

She goes, "Well, I'm working Tuesday and Wednesday.

How about Thursday?"

"Uh... how about Monday?"

[Laughter]

Yeah, he's been doing that joke forever.

I'm sorry. Am I interrupting your conversation?

Oh, no, no, sorry.

No, no, he was just telling me you've been doing that joke forever.

Oh.

I liked it, though.

And Monday was the right call.

Folks, this is actually my buddy Ken from Duke.

You should've seen this guy in college.

He really cleaned up with the sorority girls.

Yeah, his work-study job, he was janitor for Tri Delt.

[Laughter]

I'm laughing. I'm thinking. I'm having a great time.

You know what? Every year, Ken made Dean's list.

Oh.

That's true.

Yeah. Dean was our buddy who made a list of all the virgins.

[Laughter]

[Forced laughter]

In fact, Ken's major was virginity with a minor in never losing it.

[Laughter]

No, it was biochemistry.

I don't get that.

Ken, it's great to see you.

You have a beautiful family, too.

Lovely children and a wife who insists they're your kids.

I don't know.

[Laughs loudly]

Hey, both of our kids are a product of the amazing sex I had with this lady right here.

Switch seats with me.

I had no idea he was doing so well.

Did you know back at Duke, I was the funny one?

Yeah, it's come up.

I'm sorry, but if he can do it...

Why didn't you ever try it?

I almost did.

There's this bar at Duke where Doug was doing open mikes.

I signed up, but when I told my dad about it, he was like [as D.K.] "Oh, you no Steven Wright. You Steven Wrong. [Chuckles] Oh, there's joke for you, joke boy. Now back to library."

Well, there's no reason you can't give it a sh*t now.

[Normal voice] Think so?

Go try an open mike.

Wouldn't that be better than wondering what if the rest of your life?

I don't think so, Al.

I've gotten pretty cozy with what if.

But I've always had this idea that I could get up there and do it, but... if I can't, then the dream is gone.

Or what if you can?

[Laughs]

That'd be pretty cool, Allison.

You know what? I think I'm gonna do it.

Yeah, you are!

Oh, so exciting.

Wait, you sure you don't want to call your daddy first and ask permission?

It's ringing.

I was kidding.

Oh, oh, so was I.

[Grunting]

Molly, do you happen to know where I can find any steroids?

What?

Zero push-ups is hard enough, but one is impossible.

"Well, you'll get there," she said, not meaning it at all.

Wait, can you train me?

Dave, push-ups are like riding a bike.

You'll never be able to do either of them.

Oh, yeah? If you don't help me, I'll tell Mom and Dad about the fake I.D. I saw in your purse.

You're bluffing.

Am I, Madonna Bronkowitz?

It's Burkowitz, okay?

If I'm gonna help you, get my name right.

Hey, guys.

Guess what your dad's gonna do Tuesday night.

Finally spend some quality time with us?

Nope. Mol, any guesses?

Something purely for you that inflates your ego?

Oh, so close!

[Laughs]

I'll just say it.

I'm gonna try stand-up.

That's right!

Your dad's gonna prove he's not just funny around the house.

Like when he slammed the cabinet door on his thumb.

[Both laugh]

Yeah.

Okay, you know what?

Just for that, neither of you are going.

Well, they can't go anyway. They're not 21.

Yeah, and it's not like either of us has a fake I.D. in our purse.

Oh, Dave, you're so funny.

Let's get out of here.

Stop right there, young lady.

And just why do you think Dave's so funny?

Because he got it from you?

Exactly. Now go have fun.

Oh, and don't forget your purse.

Oh. [Chuckles nervously]

[Chuckles]

Guys, guess what I'm doing Tuesday night.

Oh, finally taking me to dinner for my birthday like you've been promising?

Nope. Anyone else?

Something completely about yourself that you're gonna drag us into?

Oh, you're so close! [Laughs]

All right, I'll just tell you. Um...

I'm finally doing an open mike at the Laugh Factory.

[Gasps] That's so exciting!

You've been telling us forever how funny you are.

You're doing an open mike? Well, I don't know.

Based on what I witnessed from you the other night, they might want to call it an open grave.

Thanks, Pat.

You know, 'cause you're gonna die up there.

Got it.

Because you are not funny.

Oh, he's funny.

Come on, little man. Give us a taste.

[Groans]

Okay. Okay.

I just came up with this one. Okay. [Chuckles]

Uh...

Oh, you see a lot of Asian doctors, but I've never seen an Asian veterinarian.

[Chuckling] Not gonna happen.

[Asian accent] "Oh, I'm so sorry.

Your doggie not make it."

Are you implying that he ate the dog?

[Normal voice] Oh, no, no, no. I'm not implying.

I'm saying he ate the dog.

Okay, that is wildly offensive.

Write this down.

Not funny at all.

Horrifying.

Aggressively r*cist.

Laugh Factory? More like Setting Your People Back Factory.

[Laughter]

See, Ken, it's not so hard.

Okay, you guys, this is really constructive feedback.

I've got it now, and I'm gonna run with it.

So thank you. All right. Good.

Actually, if it was a cat instead...

No!

Oh, my God! No!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to work, then.

People.

Hear ye.

The cafeteria wars will soon be over, and those surgeons will be waving the white flag of surrender.

What in the hell are you talking about?

Sorry, I've been kind of bingeing on "Game of Thrones."

Anyhoo, I took the bolts off the table.

And as soon as those smug bastards put any weight on it, that thing is gonna come crashing down like a satellite on Damona's grandma.

Well, Clark, you know, we're not up here because of the surgeons.

Pediatrics is using the cafeteria.

They're throwing the kids a party.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

I thought the balloons would break my fall.

One, two, three.

You've got this, Dave.

Four, five.

You're gonna get that video game!

Six and... seven push-ups!

Great job, Dave!

So, that's what it's gonna sound like on my end.

Kids, Dad says he has something important to talk to us about.

Thanks, Al. Now, listen up, guys.

This affects all of us.

I was working on some material that I realize might be offensive to Asians, animals, and Julie, who had to take a half day, so I broke out some of the stuff I use when I host the HMO banquet.

[Clears throat]

You know what some lazy nurses do on their day off?

Same thing they do on their day on.

[Chuckles]

You know, 'cause they're lazy.

[Laughs]

Now that I understand it, I love it!

Nurses.

Pap smear. Uh...

Pap smear.

Pap smear campaign.

No, no, no, no. Too political.

Ken, come to bed.

I appreciate the offer, Al, but I'm not feeling it right now.

Hit you back double this weekend.

I meant come to sleep.

It's 2:00 in the morning.

I can't. The open mike's tomorrow, and I've got nothing.

Okay, let me help you.

Um...

Oh, here's something.

You know how there's a back-up camera on our car?

Yeah?

Why don't you do something with that?

Thanks, Al. That's great.

Yeah. Oh, hello?

Comedy Hall of Fame?

Yeah, it's Ken Park. Clear some space.

I got this monster back-up camera bit.

Okay, you don't have to be nasty about it.

I'm sorry. I'm just freaking out.

I'm gonna suck.

[Sighs]

I'm not gonna do this.

No.

I know you, Ken, and if you back out now, it'll eat at you for the rest of your life.

And you know what? You can do this.

And you're gonna be great.

Just don't over-think it.

Be yourself.

You're the funniest person I know.

That's why I married you.

Thanks, honey.

[Chuckles]

Back-up cameras. Just saying.

[Laughs]

All right, Dave, you can do this.

Just remember what we talked about.

Tighten your core, breathe, and try not to poop again.

No promises, Mol.

[Grunts]

One!

Dave, that's a new personal best!

[Grunts]

Two!

You're playing with house money now.

[Grunts]

Okay, two. Not bad.

Okay, my turn.

One, two, three.

Three to two.

You lose.

Darn. Now I just have to make do with the many violent video games I already own.

I am so over "Zombie Pimp."

Okay, double or nothing.

I'll give you two video games if you can b*at me in the 100-yard dash next week.

Seriously? Two video games for 100 yards?

You're on, sucker!

I'm gonna go ice my pecs.

Way to trick him, Grandpa.

Not tricking.

Motivating.

Respect.

Now I got to figure out how to train him to run.

[Ice cream truck music plays]

Ice cream truck!

I'm so worried for Ken.

He'll be fine.

Ken got sense of humor from me.

You all ready, buddy?

What are you doing here?

I'm MCing.

I had to be here for you, pal.

You're gonna do great.

You really think so?

No. But here we go.

Welcome to the Laugh Factory open mike, everybody!

[Cheers and applause]

Yes!

You're gonna see some amazing talent tonight.

But first, here's my pal Ken Park!

[Laughter, applause]

Have fun.

Hey. What up, Laugh Factory?!

[Cheers and applause]

Make some noise!

[Light cheers and applause]

Let's get this party started! [Chuckles]

Mm, uh, so, uh, you guys like impressions?

Okay, here's a classic.

Korean Johnny Carson.

"Is that a, uh, John Wayne Bobbitt... ja-ji [speaks Korean]."

[Laughs]

John Wayne Bobbitt?

His wife chopped off his ja-ji?

Oh, come on! That's funny!

"Ja-ji" means "penis."

Um... uh, so, uh, you see a lot of Asian doctors.

But I've never seen an Asian veterinarian.

No!

Okay.

Back-up cameras.

What's up with them, huh?

You ever run over your kids and think, "Hey, I wish I had a home movie of that?"

Oh, God, no.

What am I even doing up here?

I'm a doctor.

No matter what happens, I got to wake up tomorrow morning and cradle some scrotums.

[Laughter]

And tomorrow's my day off.

[Laughter]

[Chuckles]

Oh, my God, I just made that up!

Okay, um...

Okay, well, yeah... it's true.

I'm a doctor.

Yeah, yeah, my parents Korean'd me into it.

Know what I'm saying?

[Chuckles]

Yeah, it's not like my parents forced me into doing this stuff.

It's not like I went up to my dad and said, "Gee, Papa, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor and save lives."

[As D.K.] "No, no. You tell joke!"

[Laughter]

I would never say that.

[Normal voice] It was really easy for me to get in med school.

I mean... I mean, look at me.

It's like my birthright.

Here was my interview.

"So, Ken, tell me about yourself."

"Well, I'm Korean."

"Stop! Congratulations. You're in."

That's it. That's it.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Laughter]

Dad, you were awesome.

He was amazing.

And I knew you would be. You're welcome.

[Laughs]

[Cellphone chimes]

What's that?

It's Jamie Masada, owner of the Laugh Factory.

He says he wants to manage me.

So, are you gonna do this?

Nah.

I just wanted to prove I could do stand-up, that's all.

You know, you were really good.

Great even, but come on.

What am I gonna do, give up being a doctor and become a comedian?

That is pretty ridiculous. [Laughs]

"No more medicine for me.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna hit the road and perform at the Funny Bone in El Paso."

[Laughter]

Hey, maybe they'll put you in movies.

[Laughter]

Or your own TV show.

[Laughter]

I guess you guys are right.

That's full-on crazy.

[ Laughter ]

"I'm just gonna throw my medical degree in the street."

[ Laughter ]