02x18 - Allison Finds a Lump

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dave.

How's learning your lines going?

Lines are fine.

What I have a problem with is the glaring plot holes and character inconsistencies of this wackadoodle story.

Of "Peter Pan"?

To fly, all you need is fairy dust?

Not thrust or lift? Fairy dust.

Ugh. I loathe children's theater.

Such a shallow talent pool.

Plus, Ms. Gibbons always wildly miscasts her productions.

[Softly] I mean, Dave playing a boy who never grew up?

We're out of Metamucil!

[Sneezes]

Allison: Hey, Mol. You feeling all right?

Why are you rubbing your neck?

It kind of hurts.

Do you have a headache?

A little.

Are the lights bothering you?!

Ken, please don't do that thing where you assume the worst-case scenario.

I am quite confident you have meningitis.

I feel like I teed that up.

You have the classic meningeal symptoms.

Oh, my God. I can't go on without children, Molly!

Hello? I'm still here.

Dad, settle. I don't have meningitis.

Then why are you sneezing?

Allergies.

And the headache?

From the sneezing.

Light sensitivity?

I just woke up from a nap.

Neck pain?

My nap was on the bad couch.

Whew! Thank God we caught it early.

[Giggles]

Get a load of this.

They taught a chicken to play tic-tac-toe.

A chicken, Allison!

What's wrong?

After my shower, I did a self-exam on my breasts, and I found a lump.

A lump?

Mm-hmm.

Where? W-W-When did you find it?

Ken, I don't know.

I just feel something on my left side.

Okay. That's... great you found it.

Yeah, plus most of the time, lumps are benign.

It's like over 80%.

But, Allison, you know those numbers change when there's a family history like yours.

Like, your grandma, your aunt.

Ken, you're stressing me out over something that might be nothing.

You're right. I'll be right back.

[Breathing heavily]

[Exhales deeply]

[Door opens]

Okay, you're right.

We don't know anything yet.

I'm not gonna spiral. Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna make an appointment with your doctor A.S.A.P.

I'll call first thing in the morning.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Until then, we're going to distract ourselves by learning about very smart farm animals.

That sounds like a great plan.

Good.

"His name was Charlie, and he was the cleverest chicken in the coop.

But Charlie had bigger dreams... "

Hey, Dad, can I use your med-school books?

A boy who never grows up...

I need to understand how that medically checks out.

Isn't it amazing how this guy throws himself into a role?

That's why he's always working.

So, have you called to make your appointment?

Not yet. I'm going to as soon as I get into the office.

Want to just do it now? The sooner, the better.

Don't worry. I-I'll call... as soon as I finish... packing my bag for work.

Can't forget this.

Look, it's okay to be scared to confront this, but...

[Inhales sharply] you have to make the appointment, okay?

I will.

Okay.

[Both chuckle softly]

Oh, it's ringing. See you at work.

[Telephone ringing]

Oh, wait. What...

Woman: Hello. Dr. Chamberlain's office.

Oh, hi. This is, uh, Allison Park, and I...

Not quite sure how to say this.

Uh, I found a lump in my breast and need to make an appointment.

I see. Let me put you on hold so I can pull up the calendar.

[ Upbeat music plays]

[ Music continues]

Okay, when would you like to come in?

Uh, tomorrow or the next day maybe.

Let me see what we have. I'm just gonna place you on a quick hold.

Oh, wait, wait. I really don't want to be put on...

[ Upbeat music plays]

Unfortunately, the doctor is on vacation the next few days.

[Sighs] Come on. Where could he be on vacation?

Let me check for you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! That was...

[ Upbeat music plays]

Ugh. You kidding me?!

Aruba. He's learning to scuba dive.

Cool, cool.

Can you just give me the next available appointment?

Okay, you're set for two weeks from tomorrow at 3:00.

Great. Thank you. Bye. Bye, bye, bye.

Hey, Clark, could help audit my dating-profile photos?

You know, since Megan and I split up, I've decided to, you know, give telephone dating a chance.

These are great pictures of you, Pat.

Ah.

I didn't know you knew how to hang glide.

I don't.

But I know how to Photoshop.

You can't use fake pictures, Pat.

Why not?

I mean, if I use pictures of a typical weekend, it would just be me posting negative Yelp reviews of restaurants who wouldn't take a reservation for one.

And I really want to do all these things, so, you know, I don't think of them so much as lies, as photos of my future.

You want to have a pet tiger?

More than anything.

I mean, why does dating have to be so complicated these days?

Damona, you're lucky you're currently entangled, if just to avoid all this nonsense.

[ Tiger roars]

Ohh...

A certain tattooed lady wants to chat.

Oh, she hang glides. We have so much in common.

Uh, hey, Damona.

Yeah.

You've been doing such great work.

I wanted to give you a pineapple.

Thanks?

I don't get a pineapple?

Hey, did you make that appointment?

I did. It's in two weeks.

Two weeks? That's too far out.

I mean, I come in early. I stay late.

But do I get a pineapple? No.

I know, but my doctor's on a scuba-diving vacation in Aruba, and I didn't know what else to do.

She knows I like fruit.

You can see a different doctor, Allison.

Patients need to advocate for themselves. Let me help you.

You're right. Thanks, Ken.

Hey, I'm gonna make you an earlier appointment even if it means calling in fake shark att*cks all over Aruba to smoke your doctor out of there.

Hey. Any luck with the appointment?

No. It's like every surgeon's either fully booked or out of town.

Mostly in Aruba, too.

Apparently, it's sting-ray mating season down there.

Hey. What's going on?

Oh, it's nothing. We're just talking about...

Ken, it's okay.

You sure?

I want them to know.

Hey, everyone! My wife wants you to know something!

Thanks, Ken. Smooth as ever.

Uh, just to put it out there, uh...

I found a lump yesterday.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What can we do?

[Sighs] Well, I'm having trouble getting an appointment with a surgeon.

Oh, of course. We could help with that.

Yeah, a-and take as much time with this as you need.

Thanks, guys.

Hopefully, it'll... it'll turn out to be nothing.

I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on.

Well, here's something else that's going on.

Hug coming in right now.

Come here.

[Allison chuckles]

Ooh.

Thanks, Clark.

Yeah, so, this is a group hug. Can we all get in here please?

[Allison laughs]

Thanks, everyone.

Who are you?

I'm Carl.

Thanks, Carl.

[Sighs] Why do we have to come to Welltopia's most humorless doctor?

Okay, yes, Dr. O'Sullivan sucks as a person, a co-worker, and recycler, but he's a great doctor... and the only guy we could get on short notice.

I know. And early detection is key.

I just wish he wasn't such a turd.

[Sighs]

Gosh, why does this have to be happening now?

I've got so much going on. I'm slammed at work.

Dave's play is in two days, and I still haven't made the costume. Plus...

Honey, honey, everything's gonna get done.

I'll take over all the play stuff, including the costume.

Thanks.

Of course. We're in this together.

You know, it's... it's like this sculpture over here.

You know, you press down on one side, the other responds and picks up the slack.

Oh. That got... That got away from me.

Um...

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Oh, no bigs.

Just sitting here, waiting, looking, not touching.

Thanks again for seeing us. We really appreciate it.

So, what's the verdict?

Unfortunately, the ultrasound shows a solid mass highly suspicious for malignancy, and full excision is warranted.

So there's a good chance this is cancer and we... we have to remove it?

I'm afraid so.

Wow. This is actually happening.

So, we need to schedule the procedure.

W-When can you put us on the books?

And, FYI, there's been tsunami warnings in Aruba, and if you think for one second...

I've already opened the spot... tomorrow during my lunch break if that's okay with you, Allison.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Afterwards, it'll take about 24 hours to get the results back.

[Exhales heavily] Oh, man.

Any chance you could put me in a medically induced coma until the results are in?

[Laughs]

No.

That's not a safe or reasonable request.

I understand the wait's tough.

Try to distract yourself with something you enjoy.

Agreed. We have this whole chicken tic-tac-toe situation that's pretty therapeutic.

Thank you, Doctor.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, there, Mol. I'm making dinner tonight.

In the mood for anything?

Okay, Dad. What's going on?

Uh, men can make dinner, Molly. It's 2015.

It's 2017, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I overheard Mom on the phone.

Does she have cancer?

Um...

We don't know yet, sweetie, which is why we haven't told you anything.

She found a suspicious lump, and today we had it removed.

We get the biopsy results tomorrow, but until then...

Until then, we don't know.

[Softly] Yeah.

Dad...

[Sniffles] I'm scared.

No, it's okay. I-I'm scared, too.

And just... just know that it's okay to process these fears however you want.

Would you like to rip some hand towels in half, sweetie?

No.

Okay, no judgment.

[Sniffles]

Look, the best thing for us to do is to be strong and help her rest and relax.

Is there anything I can do to help you?

Actually, could you drive Dave to his play tonight?

I mean, I already finished his costume, but I'm not sure Mom will have the energy to go.

You got it.

Hey. Hey.

It'll be okay.

Okay.

[Sniffles]

Hey, uh, has anyone heard anything about Allison's biopsy?

Yeah, Ken said it went fine. They're just waiting to hear.

Man, this sucks.

Uh, stuff like this reminds you how short life is.

Totally.

And yet we never get around to doing the things we really want to, like traveling.

Or I keep saying that I'm-a learn how to play tennis so I can play with my dad, but I never do it.

Uh, that's it.

This weekend, I'm taking hang-gliding lessons.

Bam!

Way to go, Pat!

Yep. Caution and me... to the wind.

Hey, Allison. I made you meatloaf.

And if that's too heavy, I also made spaghetti, Cobb salad, and even sushi, but it's basically rice and cucumber just balled up.

What are you looking at?

I've spent the last four hours Googling all things related to breast cancer, tumors, and, in an odd rabbit-hole detour, how to escape if you've been kidnapped but still have your shoelaces.

O-Kay, you're spiraling. I'm just gonna take this.

I'm learning about zip ties!

Allison, why are you filling your head with that stuff?

You should be resting.

[Sighs] I know. But my mind is just racing.

Why does it take so long to find out the results?

What if I do get sick?

Then you have to take care of the kids.

No. Allison, don't go there.

Promise me you're not thinking about that, okay?

But I am thinking about it.

No.

[Sighs]

I even started typing out instructions on where everything is in the house and how to raise the children.

No, uh, stop. Allison, I don't... I can't hear...

No, Ken, I-I need to say this.

I started typing, but I stopped because I realized you don't need it.

You've been so strong through all this that... that I know regardless of what happens, you and the kids will be fine.

[Exhales sharply]

[Crying] Thank you for making this all about me.

[Laughs]

[Sighs] So, let's get you some food.

[Sighs]

What's in the meatloaf?

Grapes. Is that wrong?

[Both laugh]

This wait is just driving me crazy.

Well, Dave's play starts in an hour if you're up for it.

Though, children's theater isn't much better than waiting to find out if you have cancer.

Ken!

[Laughs]

Come on. You know I'm right.

Half the kids are mumbling their lines.

The other half [Robotically] are saying their lines like this!

[Both laughing]

It's like, "Hey, kids, ever heard of nuance?"

[Dramatically] No, they have not.

Let's go to the play.

I don't want to miss anything.

Um, you want me to pack up some of this food for you?

Um...

Maybe we'll just grab something on the way.

I love you.

I love you.

[Piano playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Softly] Hey.

[Gasps] What are you guys doing here?

Molly wasn't sure you'd feel up to it, and she wanted to make sure that Dave had some people here.

Wow. That's so sweet.

Well, speak for yourself.

I was drawn in by a blurb in the Calabasas Trumpet.

[Laughter]

So far, the Lost Boys were...

Oh, w-we know the story, sweetie.

Not this version.

Dave has made some interesting choices.

Nice job on the costume.

I said I'd make it. I didn't say it would fit.

Also, I broke the sewing machine.

They say I'm a boy who never grows up.

But I have announcement. That's a lie!

I'm actually a 22-year-old man with hypoplastic kidneys... a disorder which can result in small stature.

Now that that's fully explained... hit it, Barb.

[Piano playing]

♪ Ooh ♪

If I stay a boy, I'll be safe.

I'll hide away in a magical place.

♪ Ooh ♪

But even here in Neverland, danger's always close at hand.

So you must be strong or at least try...

♪ To believe that you can fl-y-y-y ♪

[Applause]

[Laughs]

Audience: Ohh!

Audience: Ohh!

[Squeaking]

Aah!

Oh!

Aaaaah!

Uh-oh.

[Scattered applause]

[Laughter]

This is what happens when you only use fairy dust to fly.

I need thrust, people!

[Laughter]

Whoo!

[Cheers and applause]

I'm so glad we came.

Did you see that news about Russia?

No. What?

I don't know. I just saw a headline.

I was hoping you could explain it to me.

Okay.

The results are in.

The good news is... you don't have cancer.

[Exhales sharply]

[Sniffles]

Um...

Okay, so, what's the bad news?

There isn't any. Why would you ask that?

This is such a relief. S-So, what was the lump?

It was an LCIS, or lobular carcinoma in situ.

It's an area of abnormal cell growth that isn't cancer itself but can increase the risk of cancer later in life.

But we removed all of it, and you don't need any further treatment.

[Sighs]

Just keep a close eye on it, and get your annual mammograms.

I will.

Thank you so much, Doctor. You've been amazing.

I couldn't have gotten through it without you.

Yes, thank you so much, Dr. O'Sullivan.

You really weren't our first choice, but you surprised us with how kind and wonderful you were!

Excuse me?

He just means "Thank you."

Come on, Ken.

Okay.

Oh, you put that back together.

No, no, no.

What the... ? [Gasps]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Pat! Oh, Pat! Thank you!

This really means a lot!

Uh, this week just reminded me that life's too short to not go after what you want.

This is just... thank you, Pat.

I really a...

Pat, God!

You had to go and mess everything up.

I'm sorry. I just thought...

Mnh.

Well, Dennis at the school paper sure is dragging his heels on reviewing my play.

What's he waiting for?

Don't worry. You were great, sweetie.

Yeah, you definitely stole the show.

You don't have to tell me. I saw you guys from the stage.

You were laughing, you were crying.

I'm a star!

Well?

I-I'm fine. It's not...

Ohh.

I feel like I'm missing some key information, but I'm gonna get in on this, too.