01x03 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Hey, buddy. I ain't got nothing about this rig.

You're gonna have to take it someplace... else.

What the hell?

♪ Cold sweat ♪
♪ Heat vision ♪
♪ Dream cream ♪
♪ Nocturnal emission ♪
♪ Here comes the heat ♪
♪ Here comes the sweat ♪
♪ Coming down with something ♪
♪ That'll leave you wet ♪
♪ Sex flu got me scratchin' the itch ♪
♪ Sex flu like a son of a bitch ♪

Hmm.

♪ Feel my temperature rise ♪

Not bad.

Some of your framing's a little bit obvious.

Cuts are jumpy, but that's to be expected from an amateur like yourself.

Well, I cut it in the camcorder.

Not finished.

But overall, you got a decent eye.

Thanks.

You're hired.

Cool.

Purely on a trial basis, of course.

Of course.

Sunday, 3 PM sharp.

And don't forget to wear a suit.

You know what? I think this is going to be really good for you.

Yeah, well, we're just trying things out on a trial basis, seeing how well we work together.

I think Barry can end up being a really good mentor.

Look at this. This is going to be us some day, all old, wrinkly, and adorable.

Uh, how about this one?

The 400 Blows?

I'm not watching p*rn.

It's not p*rn. It's a classic.

Classic, yeah.

But, since you mention it...

[gasp] No.

Oh, yeah. Let's do it.

Stop. No, I...

Let's go.

Everybody's going to judge us.

I don't like that.

Dad?

David.

This... This isn't the Westerns section.

No.

Then why are there saloon doors?

What the hell is this?

Oh, it's called a smoothie.

It smells like grass clippings.

Wow, look at you.

Hi, handsome.

You're not eloping, are you?

I'm videoing a wedding at the club.

Oh, you're friends with the groom?

This is a favor or something?

No, it's a gig, right, honey?

That's what you call it, right?

Oh, uh, job. Just job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you're getting paid for this?

Uh, yeah. $75.

I got to run.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Think he gets his artistic side from me.

Yeah, that's right, Mrs. Picasso.

What are you all gussied up for?

Do you ever listen?

I told you.

Margo and I are going to the community college to learn about the real estate classes.

You're going to sell houses?

Yeah. Maybe I am.

Could we not use the extra money?

Mm.

It's Hanukah in June, my friend.

I didn't know Hanukah was in June.

It's in December, you putz.

How is it my fault if he cuts me off?

Because it is not worth getting into an accident.

Good morning, Mr. Getty, sir.

Walker, here you go.

It's Wheeler.

Whatever.

Hurry up, darling. We're gonna be late.

Yes, Mother.

I don't know why you had to wear such a gloomy dress.

It's a wedding, not a funeral.

Is there a difference?

[sigh]

Where does she get all this anger?

Seriously?

[scoff] I need a white Zin.

♪ ... the b*at and get up off your feet ♪
♪ The b*at ♪

[radio off]

Don't fart in it.

Hey. [Tongue click]

Whoa.

What's wrong with this picture?

Dude must have a foot-long dong.

Kind of looks like you, Wheeler.

Plus ten years.

Minus the dong.

[laughing]

Get back to work.

I need you to run these lenses out to my El Camino.

Okay.

And do not scratch the paint.

I won't.

And hurry back.

No taking a break.

I wasn't...

Go.

Boychik! Oy, you clean up nice.

Thanks. I didn't know you'd be here.

Are you kidding me?

The Kornblatts and I are like that.

This must be costing a bundle.

Alan can afford it.

You do know who he is, right?

Barry said he's a cardiologist.

That's basically a side business.

No, all of this was paid for by Yogurt Whimsy.

The place next to Super Cuts?

And Crown Books and Kay-Bee Toys, and a dozen other locations throughout North Jersey.

He's even hinted there may be franchise opportunities for a few select close friends.

You like frozen yogurt?

God, no. Nobody does except for fatties and 14-year-olds.

But I like money, and Alan likes me.

Yeah. And Skip.

Excuse me, David.

I have a reception to win.

Dr. Kornblatt, beautiful day for some nuptials, isn't it?

Is that periwinkle blue?

Bold choice.

[chatter]

I'm never getting married, man.

Yeah? Why not?

Because it's, like, unnatural.

Humans aren't supposed to mate for life.

Says who?

Monkey scientists.

Oh, yeah?

I read it somewhere.

Guess who funds their research.

Who?

The American Bar Association, that's who. Before lawyers came along, the word "divorce" didn't even exist in the English language.

They invented the concept the same way Hallmark invented Mother's Day.

Hallmark invented Mother's Day?

Not even.

You are a schmuck. Hold my drink.

Hey.

Hey.

I wanted to return your cassette.

Did you like it?

Oh, yeah.

Awesome.

It's good.

[chuckle]

[chuckle]

Uh...

Oh. That's pretty fancy.

Oh, yeah.

I've never been in one of those before.

No?

Uh-uh.

Hey, come on. What are you doing?

Come on, really?

Go ahead.

No.

Go ahead.

Really?

Get in.

I'll get in trouble.

No, no.

Oh, my God.

Rizzo, be my lookout.

All right.

♪ You tell the ladies you're a freelance artist ♪
♪ Yeah, you're an artist, but not that kind ♪
♪ If you want it... ♪

Yeah. This is one more thing I can cross off my list: get baked in the back of a limo.

♪ If you want it, you got it ♪

What about you? What's on your list?

I always thought it would be cool to, like, start a cult.

Yeah.

That would.

Okay. Yeah, but really, what... like, where do you see yourself in five years?

Five years?

Yeah.

I mean, I... I can hardly imagine myself five months from now, except that it'll be November, so I'll probably need a sweater.

What else is on your list?

[cough] I don't know.

[cough] Normal stuff.

Get married, have kids.

Like, little LeFevres?

God, no.

Really?

No.

You don't think you... you two will end up together?

No way.

[cough] For one thing, Misty LeFevre sounds like a Staten Island stripper.

[coughing]

Right?

Yeah.

Also, I'm also not going to make the same mistake my ma did and marry some jerk-off with 12 bucks to his name.

No?

No.

No, when I get married, it's going to be to somebody rich because I could get used to this.

Oh.

Yeah.

[chuckle]

Oh, please. I've been trying to get this one to take a break for years.

Take a vacation, even a long weekend in the Hamptons.

But does he listen? No.

He's going to keep burning the candle at both ends until he keels over his desk, just like his father.

All right.

So you think you got a sh*t of taking the club championship from Stan Fineberg this year?

I'm working on it.

That Fineberg's quite a competitor.

Oh, he's more than a competitor.

Dr. Fineberg is a miracle worker.

Mm.

Yeah. Nice work.

Beautiful affair, by the way.

f*cking Fineberg, man.

What the miracle is is that he gets away with charging what he does.

Is it my imagination, or does she actually look worse?

Ehh. So you're saying you're not going to pay for my face lift?

I... You don't need it.

Ah. Yet.

I'll tell you when you need it.

Yes, I'm sure you will, and you will pay for it.

This is bullshit.

Careful, Nasser.

In a few years, these kids are going to be tipping you.

Oh, yeah? Here's a tip for you. Kiss my sweet brown tuchus.

That means ass.

Thank you, Golda Meir.

Not going to finish your mac and cheese?

No, please go ahead. I've got business to attend to.

Dr. Kornblatt, is this a wonderful affair or what?

Hi, Amanda and Michael. It's the Gormans.

Deborah and Marvin.

From your mother's walking group.

We just want to wish you a happy and healthy marriage full of love and laughter.

Oh, and if you don't like the plate warmer, you can just take it back to Macy's. Wait, wait.

Hey, you two. Dale and Jean here.

My gosh, Amanda, I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful bride.

You're one lucky man, Mike.

But in all seriousness, we want to wish you a long life full of happiness and joy.

And may all your ups and downs be between the sheets.

Amanda, I can't believe you're already all grown up and leaving the nest.

This is truly a bittersweet occasion for your mother and father and I.

Just knowing that you're so happy makes it a little bit easier to say goodbye.

♪♪ [easy listening]

Male singer: ♪ I feel so sad ♪
♪ Those never knew true love ♪
♪ So sad ♪

Say we take this up 50 notches.

♪ Those that's been hurt ♪

[record scratches]

♪ By love... ♪
♪♪ [salsa]

Nasser: Ho ho ho ho!

Everybody get up out of your seats, and let's get this party started!

There is no wedding like a Kornblatt wedding because a Kornblatt wedding, it never stops.

Come with me, ladies, please.

Oh, my God, now we're dancing.

Now we're definitely dancing.

Just loosen the hips.

Oh, she resists at first, but then she is taken by the rhythm of the night.

And here... Oh, my goodness, Where's your dance partner?

What happened to him?

♪ I'll tumble for ya ♪
♪ I'll tumble for ya ♪

Maybe a bit...

♪ I'll tumble for ya ♪
♪ I'll tumble ♪
♪ I get a crazy feeling ♪

Oh yeah. Skip? Not a conga man?

♪ It's nothing that you do to me ♪
♪ It's nothing that you said ♪
♪ It's love in stereo ♪

Ooh!

Got to hurt a bit. Ooh!

♪ I'll be your baby ♪
♪ I'll be your score ♪

[cheering]

[chatter]

So wonderful.

Let's get the door here. for you.

Onwards and upwards.

To the first of many best days of your lives.

Have a wonderful honeymoon.

Thank you so much.

[chatter]

Do you smell pot?

[grunt]

Raah!

[chuckling]

Here you go, sir.

Call me Ganz.

Hello, Ganz. I'm Wheeler.

I know.

You do?

Mm-hmm. I've been asking around.

I hear you're the guy to talk to about... scoring bud.

Right on. How much you need?

I'm not asking you to sell to me.

I'm asking you to sell for me.

Oh. You know, thanks, man, uh, but I already have a supplier, and his mom's kind of hot, so I like to go over there.

Not weed.

Huh?

Lots of deep pockets in this place.

Bankers, bond traders, bored housewives, and every one of them's got a nose.

You could clear 3 G's a week easy.

I don't know, man.

You know what?

Think about it. Give me a call.

"Press pound after the tone"?

What happens after I press pound?

It sends the message to this.

Oh. Whoa.

You're Batman.

What's up, sweet cheeks?

Mm. Let me have a couple of cognacs, please.

I have to get another bottle.

All right. Well, get a move on, please.

I don't like to keep Dr. Kornblatt waiting.

And you're sure about this?

Could hear from the Feds any day.

Well, that's... that's fantastic.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Seriously, you and Margaret can go buy a small island.

She's got her eye on Manhattan. [Laughing]

Seriously, this is what we call f*ck-you money.

Good.

Because there are a lot of people to whom I'd like to say "f*ck you."

Well, go get 'em.

Starting with this guy.

Hey, Al, f*ck you.

Good afternoon, Mr. Getty.

Nasser, how are you?

Lovely affair we're having here.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Who's that, uh, rather distinguished-looking gentleman you were speaking with?

Old friend of mine who is about to become a very wealthy man.

Uh, oh?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, yeah.

The company he founded has a new drug coming to market.

It's supposed to be for arthritis, but turns out to be only slightly less effective than aspirin.

So what's so special about it?

It grows hair.

Like on your head?

Everywhere. But you can shave.

FDA's supposed to approve it any day, and when it does, his company's stock is going to... pow.

And, uh, what might the name of the company be?

That's a good try, Nasser.

You know, I could offer you some free lessons.

It's about what they're worth.

That was needlessly cruel.

I don't know about needless.

You, uh...

Hmm?

Mr. Getty, I... I was merely trying to follow your advice on getting into the stock market.

Buying and selling securities based on privileged information, that's a crime. That's called insider trading.

People go to jail for that.

Oh, so you're not actually going to take advantage of your friend's tip?

Mm. Mm.

You're funny.

Yeah?

You're funny.

Good, good. Funny is good.

Just trying to get a laugh there.

What are you doing out here?

What's it look like?

I couldn't spend another minute in there.

You don't like weddings?

They're the worst.

They're so boring, especially when you're by yourself.

Why didn't you bring your, uh, boyfriend?

Who?

The, uh, older guy?

Your dad's business associate?

Martin?

He's not my boyfriend.

I don't have boyfriends.

Do you know anything about the stars?

Uh, not really.

Everything looks like a dipper to me.

I wish they offered astronomy at my school.

Where do you go?

Sarah Lawrence.

You like it there?

Um, my studio classes are okay.

Some of the people are a little bit fake, but then so are people everywhere.

Ah. I hear you.

I mean, those flower girls? Total frauds.

Are you making fun of me?

Yeah. I believe I am, yeah.

Wow.

Don't get me wet. I'm working.

Yeah. I noticed.

You're, uh... you're quite the Renaissance man, teaching tennis, filming weddings, studying art history.

Is there anything you can't do?

Math.

[chuckling] That's fine.

Everybody's terrible at math, except, like, physicists and astronomers.

Or accounting majors.

Y...

Seriously?

You sound surprised.

[chuckle]

It's pretty much the last thing I would have guessed.

Why?

You just don't... You don't strike me as the numbers crunching type.

You have the wrong face.

What kind of face do I have?

[laughing] I don't know. I...

What the hell is going on here?

Your mother and I are ready to go.

Get your things.

David and I were just having a chat.

Now.

Okay.

Let's go.

Cover yourself.

I...

Dad, I'm not a child.

No. You're still my child.

How many f*cking jobs do you have around here?

Just two.

Saving up for a car?

No. Uh, I want to get a place in the city.

I thought you go to NYU.

Yeah. I commute.

I caddied.

All through high school and college.

Really?

Yep.

I washed dishes, too.

Not here. Another club.

I think we had different stars back then.

That was 30 years ago.

Feels like five minutes.

I should probably be getting back.

Yeah.

[laughing]

I kept seeing these multiple invoices.

And the guy had the nerve to double bill me on the shipment.

Needless to say, we no longer purchase our chocolate jimmies from that assh*le.

[laughing]

Here you are, Alan.

A little cognac for you this evening.

Thanks, Nasser.

And please raise a glass, if you've got one, to Amanda. May she birth you several grandsons.

May they take after her and not that schmuck she married.

[laughing]

Yes, schmuck, yes.

Honey, we should get going.

We should go.

This has been a heck of a lot of fun.

Nasser, thank you for making a night of it.

Oh, the pleasure is all mine.

It's not every day one gets to share such a special occasion with such a dear friend.

I should give you my card.

Oh, certainly. I would be very eager to discuss the many intricacies of the frozen dessert business.

It's the gold Seville.

Can you have them bring it around?

I got to hit the head.

Hello. I'm Orville Redenbacher.

With my famous gourmet popping corn.

And my gourmet microwave popping corn in handy pop-and-serve bags.

My special kernels pop lighter and fluffier than other corn.

So do mine. Just pop it in the microwave...

There he is.

Hey.

Then pop it in your mouth.

Where's Mom?

Ah, she's having a girls' night with some of her lady friends.

You're just in time. They're having a Sergio Leone movie marathon.

Up next, Once Upon a Time in America, with De Niro playing a Jew.

Come on. Sit down. It's been forever since we had a guys only movie night.

Sure.

Hey, how about some snacks, huh?

Your mother thinks she has this drawer booby trapped.

But she forgets that I was in Korea, and I think I have it cracked.

Now, don't you say a word, or she'll k*ll me.

I'll tell you how it ends.

♪ Cold sweat ♪
♪ Heat vision ♪
♪ Dream cream ♪
♪ Nocturnal emission ♪
♪ Going to run ♪
♪ A flash fever ♪
♪ Mercury rising ♪
♪ Up the thermometer ♪
♪ Hot mama, draw me a bath ♪
♪ We'll splish and splash ♪
♪ And sweep the spot through the cracks ♪
♪ Here comes the heat ♪
♪ Here comes the sweat ♪
♪ Coming down with something ♪
♪ That'll leave you wet ♪
♪ Sex flu, got me scratchin' the itch ♪
♪ Sex flu, like a son of a bitch ♪
♪ Sex flu, feel my temperature rise ♪
♪ In between your thighs ♪