01x06 - Horrible Sandwiches

[bunniefuu]

Come on. Show's over.

Peg?

Stay.

Oh, Jesus.

Tom: So, how are you feeling?

Josh: I'm sad.

People keep asking me that, you know?

My aunty just d*ed.

I really liked her. I grew up with her.

I think it's... I think it's pretty obvious how I'm feeling.

Ok.

I haven't cried yet.

I just...

I just don't know how to get the momentum up.

I did at my granddad's funeral.

Really? How?

I don't know. I just kind of faked a crying face and then it became real.

That sounds just horrible.

I'm sad, you know. I promise I'm sad.

I just don't know how to get it to that level.

My mum's been crying for three days.

It's pretty amazing.

Is that...

Is she, like, double depressed?

Yeah, like depressed squared.

Didn't you cry in that documentary about the homeless choir?

Yeah, but it had all, like, you know, a constructed narrative and sad music.

I guess I just wasn't paying enough attention before Peg d*ed.

John, come here, matey! Come here!

It'll happen.

Yeah, whatever, though.

You know, you cried that time when we saw a little bird.

It had lost its parents.

I really don't think it had. I think it was just a small bird.

I was very tired.

Song: ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ok ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ I left better behind ♪
♪ I'll be fine, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Make my mamma tum another blind eye ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I left better behind ♪
♪ I'll be fine... ♪

Hi.

Oh, there he is, the birthday boy!

Mwah!

You ok?

Yep, yeah, look, I'm fine.

Today we celebrate Peg's life, ok?

Ok.

Now, don't think you miss out, young man.

Mwah! You are so gorgeous.

You know, I wish you were gay. Then you could be my son-in-law.

Hi.

Now, there's a lot to do here.

I've made some sandwiches for the funeral.

I booked catering.

Yes, I know you booked catering for the wake, but these are for the funeral.

People might get hungry.

There's not usually food at a funeral, though, is there?

No, not usually, but there will be at this one.

There will be delicious sandwiches. Tom, could you give me a hand, please?

Could you slice those up and put them on the trays for me? Thanks.

Anything to help.

I'll do some too.

Nonsense! It's your birthday. You don't work on your birthday.

I love putting food on trays. Please let me put food on trays.

Hi, everyone.

Rose: Alan.

Whoa!

Wow, you really took that "wear bright colours" thing to heart, didn't you?

Rose, I'm... I'm really...

Rose, I'm really sorry.

No, no, today is not about being sorry.

It's about celebrating Peg's life.

Yeah, I know.

Ok?

Burying my mum was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Yes, well, your mum was...

Elderly.

Yep.

So, what do you need me to do?

No, nothing at all. It's all organised. Peg left very thorough instructions.

Where's Mee?

Uh, Mae.

Yeah, your girlfriend.

You didn't leave her in the car?

Yeah, I was gonna drop her at the movies before the funeral.

No, no, nonsense. Bring her in. Bring her to the funeral.

I don't mind. I'm comfortable with it. It's ok. It's fine.

And there's plenty of food. I made sandwiches. Does she like sandwiches?

You can meet her another time.

No, nonsense. Nonsense!

Rose! Rose!

(THAI SONG PLAYS ON PHONE)

(SINGS ALONG IN THAI)

(YELPS)

(SPEAKS LOUDLY AND SLOWLY) Mee, I'm sorry to startle you.

It's very nice to meet you.

It's Mae. Rose, hello.

Um, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Oh, no, nonsense. Now, do you eat sandwiches?

Yes. Yes.

Great.

Ok.

Bring her in!

What are your traditions when someone dies?

Uh, what do you mean?

Well, what happens at a Thai funeral?

Oh, my family are Christian.

Oh, so that's... that's more or less the same, then, is it?

Uh, yes.

Happy birthday, Josh.

Oh, thanks.

Look, I really should thank you for taking this one off my hands.

Oh, I can imagine you must be so relieved you don't have to talk to him anymore.

"Mae, where do you want to go for dinner?"

"Oh, I don't mind." "Well, I'm easy, so where do you want to go?"

I say, "Oh, I really don't mind."

"Jesus f*cking Christ, Mae. Why can't you just make a decision?"

(ROSE LAUGHS)

When do we have to be at church?

(SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)

Niamh: Geoffrey!

Geoffrey!

(SOBS)

Niamh's here.

What is that f*cking fascinator?

You're not allowed to swear in church.

Actually, Peg used to swear in church all the time.

(LAUGHS)

We've organised this birthday party thing for you later if you want to come.

Honestly, we can just ignore my birthday.

No, we just thought you'd want to get away from all of this stuff.

You should probably go, Josh. You'd have a good time.

Are you listening to us?

You're the only two people rude enough to be talking in a church waiting for a funeral, everyone can hear you.

Now, don't go quiet on me.

Tell me something to entertain me while we wait, ok?

Claire, have you got anything embarrassing to tell me about Josh?

Um... Oh, the first time we had sex we weren't actually having sex because he was just rubbing between me and the sheets.

(LAUGHS)

No, that's not true.

It's definitely true.

It's not true.

No, it is.

Is it?

It's true. I told Tom.

I was just wondering if you were ready to start.

(LAUGHS)

We might just need a moment. Yep.

So disrespectful.

I like that song.

And now Rose is going to say a few personal words about her aunt.

(WHISPERS) I can't do it.

Yes, you can.

No, I can't.

You said you wanted to.

No, I can't do it.

You'll regret it otherwise.

I can't.

Well, I don't think I should do it.

No, I can't do it.

Here, give it to me. I'll do it.

No, no. No, I'll do it.

Hello, everyone.

Um, as most of you probably know, my Aunty Peg, uh, Margaret, was quite...

She quite liked to control things that happened, and this is no exception.

So she's written her own eulogy for me to read out.

"I've been going to church every Sunday for my entire life.

For the first 60 years it was because I believed in heaven.

I was terrified of dying, of becoming nothing.

I don't think I believe in heaven anymore, but after 60 years of Sunday mornings, I thought I may as well commit and hedge my bets.

Also, I quite enjoyed the morning tea.

I have requested to be buried because I want my body to be given to nature.

I want it to be snacked on by plants and animals the way I have snacked on plants and animals throughout my life.

My family, Rose and Josh, aren't ideal.

Rose has pretty much been a kook her whole life and Josh has decided to become a h*m*, but they're all I've got."

"The two of them have taught me the most important lesson of my life and that is that you don't love the people you love because they do what you want, but because of who they are."

"If you're hearing this sorry little speech it's because I'm dead, and the terrible thing about that is that I won't be sharing my life with the two people I love most in the world, my almost-daughter Rose and my almost-grandson Josh."

I think that was her being nice. I'm not... honestly, I'm not sure.

"Don't make too much fuss over my death.

I finished all the good parts of my life a couple of decades ago.

I'm looking forward to joining my husband, Walter, whether it be in heaven or hell or in the bellies of maggots."

Thank you, Jordan.

(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

Stop there, gentlemen.

Hold the handles, please.

And now roll it in nice and slow.

Bye, Aunty Peg.

Hey, Geoffrey.

How are you?

(GRUNTS)

Man, these sandwiches are so bad.

My mum made so many I thought someone better eat some.

I'll take a couple.

Ok.

Everyone else is inside.

Have you had an ok day?

Yeah.

Peg was a super-cool lady.

Yeah, wasn't she just?

I don't have to stick around if it's making you uncomfortable.

No, no, it's alright. Stay.

Everyone loves you.

(GUESTS CHATTER QUIETLY)

Hi.

Claire: Hi.

Do you want us to... do anything?

No.

Geoffrey's doing everything.

That's good.

That's nice of him.

Hey, I forgot to tell you... walking the other day I saw a homeless woman rummaging through a charity bin.

She pulled out a pair of tracksuit pants, held them up to her body in the reflection of a window to see if they suited her, decided that they didn't suit her and then got disappointed and put them back in the charity bin.

Hmm! Isn't that amazing?

Yeah, that's incredible.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go somewhere else.

Hi, Geoffrey.

Oh, hey, Niamh.

Isn't it sad?

I know. It's... it's awful.

Hey, I'm so sorry about you and Josh.

Thanks, Niamh. I'm just glad I can still be here today.

Yeah.

Aren't men jerks? (LAUGHS)

You know, the sad thing about me breaking up with Tom is that you and I won't get to hang out anymore.

Really? But we never hung out.

Well, at least you don't have to hang out with Claire and Tom either.

Oh, no, I've been hanging out with them heaps.

You know, isn't it weird that Claire didn't wear black?

Apparently Peg wanted us to wear happy clothes, but I didn't know either.

Oh.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God, Geoffrey, you're so funny.

Rose. Rose.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

The funeral was so beautiful.

You know, I... I just love my mum so much.

I have no idea what I'd do if she d*ed.

Niamh, you need to listen to me.

I'm not sure why you thought it was ok to come to the wake.

I mean, I get the impression from the others that you weren't actually invited.

So perhaps you should go.

I mean, honestly, it's a little bit embarrassing.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Would you like some tea, Rose?

Yes, thank you, Geoffrey. That'd be good.

I hear you ride bikes.

Yeah, yeah.

You into bikes, are you?

Yeah, ride a Harley.

Oh, right.

You know what they say about Harleys and haemorrhoids.

(CHUCKLES) Sooner or later, every arsehole gets one.

(LAUGHS)

No offence, mate.

What do you ride?

Oh, look, I just bought this b*at-up old Honda when Mae and I were in Asia to bike around on.

You make your bike disposable like your woman, eh?

What?

I sat next to a Thai girl once, and I was thinking,

"Don't get an erection. Don't get an erection."

She did.

No offence, mate.

No.

Mae's a nice piece.

A what?

Hey, I've been to Thailand.

They go, don't they? You're a lucky man.

I was thinking of bringing a bar girl home myself, but I thought, no, people would judge.

Now, you f*ckin' listen to me. Mae is not a bar girl. I met her on a plane.

And you know what, she speaks six languages and is probably worth more money than you, pal.

So you say another word about Mae and I'll knock your f*ckin' block off.

Geoffrey: Boys. Boys.

Come on, pal. Come on, fight me, eh!

Fight me like a man.

Any time.

(EXHALES STRONGLY)

You ok?

Yep. Yep...

Yep.

Who are you going to fight, hmm?

Old man.

(SOMEONE SNIFFLES)

(SOBS)

What are you doing?

Are you ok? Are you ok?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Um, do you need to talk about it?

What's there... to talk about?

I just need this... I just need this to stop.

Stop!

It's good. It's good. It's ok.

(PEOPLE SING) ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy... ♪

Rod: Are you ok, Josh, mate?

Very well, thanks, Rod.

Maybe everyone should just go back to the kitchen for a bit.

Mae: Yes. Uh, good idea.

I would quite like a piece of cake.

There.

Just try to not touch the bottom when you cut it,

'cause I don't want you to have to kiss me.

Josh: Of course.

Hello, Josh.

Oh, hey, Mae.

Have you had an ok day?

Yes, it is fine. Have you?

Oh, yeah. I think it's been alright.

It was pretty f*cking weird how we had a birthday cake for you on the day of your aunty's funeral.

(LAUGHS) Yes, it was pretty f*cking weird.

(LAUGHS)

Your mother is very nice.

I thought probably she was a bitch, but she is very nice.

Yeah, no, she's alright.

You know, just a bit hopeless.

Hey, don't talk about your mother like that.

You should reserve comments like that for your father.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hello.

We're not going to move to Thailand.

Your father shouldn't leave you.

You need him.

No, I promise I really... I really don't.

You can move to Thailand. I don't need him.

No, no.

No, please.

He going to stay here and he's going to want to see you and talk to you.

Ohh!

Yeah, sometimes life is cruel.

I hope you didn't think this was gonna be good news.

(LAUGHS) Go on.

Rose: When are you going to your party?

Geoffrey: We're just gonna grab the dishes from the other room before we leave.

Oh, no, you guys have done enough. You go off to your party.

No, Ma, it's fine, I promise. I don't need to.

We can do the party another day.

Oh, Josh, that's nonsense. It's fine, I'm fine.

You don't need to babysit me.

We can stay, if you like.

Oh, come on now. Mae's been patient enough.

I don't mind.

Please! I'm fine.

Look, Rod's gonna stay.

Mum, I promise. I can stay. It's ok.

No, please. Can you just go?

Rod is here. I'm fine.

Ok. Well, if that's what you want.

Yes, it's what I want.

Josh: Ok?

Ok. Just go, please.

Off you go! Mmm!

Bye, Rose.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Where have you been?

I got you a birthday present.

I didn't want to give it to you at the funeral. I didn't want to distract you.

Oh, thanks.

I got it for you before you broke up with me, and it's not really my thing, so I thought I may as well give it to you.

Oh, my God, it's a cuckoo clock.

Jesus! sh*t, that's awesome.

You like that stuff like that, yeah?

So much. I like it so much.

Can we set it up now? Please?

I know exactly... I know exactly where.

There's a blank piece of... there's a blank piece of wall that's been infuriating me.

I really like you.

Ok.

Like, I think I really, really like you.

So I was thinking maybe we could just ignore the things I said before and then just be together and it'll be great, even though you would just ignore the fact that I've been a big jerk.

Josh, I... I can't.

Yes, you can. You can.

You're only into me when you're feeling needy and alone.

Oh, that's not true.

And when I'm naked, so...

Ok, sure.

I mean, I do really like it when you're naked, but that's not the only time.

I just wanna be friends, ok?

No.

I don't think so, but that's...

I guess that's fine.

I guess that has to be fine.

(CLOCK CHIRPS)

(CLOCK CUCKOOS REPEATEDLY)

(CLOCK FALLS SILENT)

(SIGHS) Ok.

Think that might be... think that might be it.

I think that might be me done.

I'm, uh...

I'm gonna go home.

See ya.

Josh: Hi, Ma.

Ma!

Ma?

sh*t. Ma?

Ma.

(SLURS) No, don't, Josh.

Don't. They'll put me in the loony bin.

RECORDED VOICE: You have dialled emergency...

Don't.

Your call is being connected.

What... what'd you take?

Well...

It was just some of Peg's pain medication and...

... some Baileys.

And then I regretted it so I vomited it up on purpose.

And then I vomited up a little bit by accident.

Does that work?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Why didn't you call me?

Because I'm fine.

Ok. Are you...

Are you absolutely certain if I don't call an ambulance, you won't die?

Yeah, I'm certain.

Yeah?

You appreciate how heavily it'll weigh on my conscience if you do die?

Yep.

Probably spiral into depression and possibly drug addiction and you'll be too dead to help me?

Yeah?

Yep?

Yep.

Where's Rod?

Oh, I sent him away. He's a d*ck.

Yeah. Ok, I know.

Ok, I'm gonna help you up. Will you promise not to vomit on me?

Yep. No.

No, I can't guarantee that. No.

Ok. Alright.

Here we go. Come on.

(GROANS)

Oh, gosh.

Let's go to bed.

I don't really know why you weren't wearing any pants.

I lost my skirt.

At least I managed to put some underwear on before you got home.

That's very considerate of you.