02x02 - Ham

[bunniefuu]

(woman) Have you spent time with your mum while she's elevated before?

Yeah, I think so.

So you're okay, you know what to expect?

I thought I did until we had this chat.

Ooh, lovey!

Didn't I say he was handsome?

Hi, oh, lovey.

I'm sorry about my hair, they won't let us have a hair dryer in here.

It looks fine, it looks good. Looks normal.

Or phone chargers, or cords at all, like, just in case we... You know.

Ooh.

How are you... How are you feeling?

Good, I'm great... I'm really, really good.

Yeah, I'm better than her.

Because she tried to commit su1c1de and that's why she's in here.

I mean, like, she's got to be at least 81, just let it go.

I'm 86.

Oh, Joshy, the food is so good.

We had pavlova last night and then there's cake every night, like, there's... Every single night, we can get cake.

Like Marie Antoinette.

Oh!

They are taking you out of here today.

Oh... Oh, great!

Oh, good, 'cause I'm feeling really good, Joshy, better than ever, honestly, really, really.

We should do something to celebrate.

No, no, they're just letting you out of ICU, they're not...

They're sending you to the other beds, just to the regular beds.

No, no, Josh, no.

No, Joshy, please, please, let me come home, please!

Please, let me come home.

Okay, okay, okay, Rose? Rose, Rose.

Rose... Listen to me.

Listen to me, listen to me.

This is a private hospital, so we can't make you stay here, but if you decide to leave, I'll have to call the public hospital.

(laughing)

Now, if the public hospital thinks you're a risk, they will force you to stay with them, okay?

Okay.

♪ One two one two three four ♪
♪ Yeah I'll be fine yeah ♪

Thanks to ivan_dnt for the source -

♪ Oh the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Oh the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ I've left better behind ♪
♪ I'll be fine ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Make my mama turn another blind eye ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

Why didn't you bring my puppy?

I took him back to the store.

You didn't... Did you?

Yeah.

Did he seem sad?

No, he was excited to see all his little buddies.

Oh.

Oh, that's quite nice, it's firm.

I like that, it's gonna be good for my back.

Have you found a boyfriend yet?

No, mum, I'm not the problem today, okay?

You're the problem.

I'm bored of being the problem.

Hey.

I gotta go, okay?

I gotta help Patrick set up for his birthday party.

I'm baking a ham.

Ooh!

Patrick.

Yes, Patrick.

Okay, my housemate and friend, Patrick.

What do I do now?

Get better.

Oh, hell.

I don't know, I was hoping they might have some ideas.

Okay, well, have fun today, lovey.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?

No, no, no, come tonight, for dinner.

No, I have the party, I just...

I just can't, okay?

See ya.

Oh...

(cell phone ringing)

Hey, Ma.

I don't have any coins.

Yeah, you don't need any money in there, okay?

It's all taken care of.

No, no, I need coins to buy delicious chocolate.

Can you bring me some coins, Josh?

I'm not gonna be able to get in there until tomorrow.

Well, as long as you bring me coins.

Okay.

I have to go now though, okay?

No, no, wait, no!

Why don't you just cut out the middleman and bring me chocolate?

Yeah, bring me chocolate!

Okay.

See ya.

Hey, little fella.

Hey.

Do we really want people going into the spa?

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Oh, sh*t, I'm... I'm here for the party.

I'm early, no one's ever on time.

I'm sorry, I'll go.

No, it's fine... Welcome, welcome.

Where would you have gone?

I could just sit in the car for a bit and then come back later.

I'm Patrick, this is Josh.

That's Tom.

Oi.

I'm... I'm Arnold, Steve's brother.

Oh, Steve, yeah, cool.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Oh, yeah... Do you want...

I made some elder flower gin spritzer.

Oh, no, no, I don't wanna take your elder flower gin spritzer.

No, it's communal elder flower gin spritzer for the group.

It's, like, for everyone. Everyone, elder flower gin spritzer.

I love elder flower.

Well, if you feel the same way about gin and spritz, I would highly recommend this.

I do... I do feel the same way.

Let's do... Well, let's go for it.

Hey, buddy.

(Piano plays in background)

I'm worried I put that ham on too late.

I don't think they're expecting to eat.

Anytime you bring out an entire leg of ham, they're gonna be happy.

I'm just very worried about this ham.

Every party, we just end up standing alone together, not talking to other people.

Why do we bother?

I think I have a really big penis.

Tom, I know.

I know you think you have a big penis.

Yeah, but I'm just coming to terms with it, like, I always assumed because it was me that it was small.

Tom, you're always trying to let me know you have a big penis.

You're always dropping these little penis hints.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, like the time you told me that you couldn't fit it into a toilet roll?

You were trying to put it in a toilet roll?

Yeah, but I didn't know that was big.

Why were you trying to put your penis in a toilet roll?

Because I'm curious... I'm a curious guy.

Why are you telling me about it?

Because I tell you things all the time.

Yeah, okay.

How... How big?

It's...

How big is big?

Like, six inches is average.

What's going on over here, ladies, eh?

Uh, we're just talking about penis size.

Thomas thinks he has a big penis.

How big is average?

Seven, seven inches.

Really?

Yeah. I thought...

Six... Six is...

No. No.

Seven.

Well.

What about thickness?

I don't know, I don't know, I'm not that interested in...

I don't pay that much attention to the...

You know.

Patrick, Patrick!

Hmm? Is a toilet roll thick penis thick?

Yeah... Yeah, that's pretty thick.

Oh, my God.

He's asking because once he tried to put it in a toilet roll and it couldn't fit and he just needs you to know, by the way.

I have a big penis.

Me. Can you believe it?

Mine's average. Just spot-on average.

I thought mine was bigger than average, but no.

It turns out my idea of average is not right.

I may just confer.

You know what, I'm really happy with it.

It's, like, pretty, you know?

And everyone always talks about size.

Mine is aesthetically pleasing.

Mine's bent.

(chuckling)

When do you think people are gonna want to eat?

I'm worried I put this ham on too late.

Don't worry... Just whenever, whenever.

Hi, I don't think we've met, I'm Tom.

Hi.

Josh, I'm Josh.

This is Jenny. Hey.

Tom was just telling us about his massive penis.

Mmm.

(laughing)

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, no?

No.

Oh, our mistake.

Oh!

Tom was just talking about his rubbish penis.

It's... It's rubbish, No, it's... It's rubbish.

No, it's not rubbish.

Well, what is it?

It's good, it's just good.

(chuckling) Good?

It's like, middling, medium, average.

I thought it was big.

I... Yeah, it is.

I have a big penis.

Oh... Wow.

That's a creepy thing to tell my friend.

Oh, yeah.

Bragging about your penis, Tom, what the f*ck?

I don't mind.

Maybe next time I can tell you about my beautiful vag*na.

Oh!

Aww.

Come on, let's... Let's not be crass.

(clanging)

Oopsie-daisy.

Whoopsie, whoopsie, whoopsie-daisy, oops!

Oh, it's so depressing in here!

(rattling)

♪ Doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop doo ahh ♪
♪ Doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop doo ahh ♪
♪ Doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop doo ahh ♪

I gotta pee.

I'll hold.

♪ Doo-wop doo ahh ♪
♪ Doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop doo ahh ♪
♪ Doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop doo ahh ♪

I'm thinking about kissing Jenny.

Yeah, do it.

Tom's gonna kiss Jenny.

I'm thinking about maybe trying to kiss Jenny.

I could see that.

She's kind of nice looking and also desperate for attention.

Do you think it's an issue that she's a child?

Hmm... meh.

Okay.

Oh, you're doing it now?

Here he goes...

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

Hey.

Hey.

What are you drinking?

Just vodka and orange juice.

Cool... Can I try?

Yeah.

That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(laughing)

You can never know what to do at parties.

I know. Yeah.

Once when I was a teenager, I talked myself into crying myself to sleep

'cause things in Africa are so grim.

Okay, yeah. Gosh.

I mean, somewhere, some places, someone is starving to death and I have the means to do something about it, to stop it, but I just don't.

Heavy.

Yeah.

Bad.

Bad things happen, bad things.

There are bad things happening.

I'm sorry, I thought maybe if I talked about something hardcore, you'd just have something to do, we could have something to do.

I think we can go watch Tom be disgusting.

That's gonna happen.

(imitating Tom) "Hey, Jenny."

"Hey."

"Uh, do you..."

"Do you want to have the worst afternoon of your life?"

"Maybe we could make out?"

Does he always, like, dance-talk?

(laughing) Why...

Why is he doing that?

You must be Rose.

I'm a frog, yay!

Patrick, don't you...

That's my frog costume.

Oh... Hey.

I'm gonna go in the spa soon.

You gonna come in the spa?

No, I'm not going in the spa.

I don't have enough body confidence.

Why so shy?

Fat Harry always swims and he's hips fat.

Oh, great, so now I'm physically comparable to Fat Harry but not as fun.

You're not fat.

Well, thank you, but I'm not worried about being fat, I never said I was fat, okay?

I'm just worried my body's is uncomfortable to look at.

Okay.

Can you go rescue my frog costume?

Everyone has those stupid things now.

Yeah, I know, I was given it before it was stupid, okay?

I like it, that's my frog costume.

You're gonna have to let go of the frog costume, dude.

Did you know that male giraffes will head butt the girl giraffes in the tummy and then it makes them pee and then they smell the pee to check if they're ovulating.

Are giraffes like, your thing?

I just like 'em, yeah.

Yeah, I like, love rabbits, they're my thing.

Yeah, cool.

Now, I think now is the time to eat the ham.

Okay, do you need help?

We can leave it in there for longer if you think people aren't hungry, though.

Um, where is your bathroom?

I'll take you.

That's... That's creepy.

I'll find it.

Yeah, it's over there.

Thank you.

Okay.

Ham time... Ham time.

She's in high school.

Oh, then that's not okay, is it?

She's 18, though.

Okay, fine, you can kiss a high school student.

I was told there was a ham.

Oh, the m*therf*cking ham!

Hey, Patrick, come check out Josh's ham!

Woo... Josh.

I'm not really sure it's ready.

Yeah.

No.

Oh, it looks so good, Josh.

No... Well, it looks burnt, first of all and I'm worried I put it on too hot and it's not gonna be warm in the middle.

Oh, that's done, mate.

I can't believe my meat thermometer.

Hey.

You know what?

Let's have tequila sh*ts about it.

Yeah!

Joshy!

I'm not having a tequila sh*t.

Doing a sh*t?

Yeah!

sh*ts?

You don't have any lime or salt, so...

Horrible, isn't it... It'll be horrible.

Come on, it's my birthday.

Okay.

All right.

Ham sh*ts for all!

(various) Woo... Yeah... Woo!

Oh...

That... Yes!

Joshy!

Nice ham, nice sh*ts, Joshy!

Hey.

Looks like John likes you.

Want some ham?

Oh, no, I'm vegetarian.

Wanna give some to John?

Oh, that'd make me feel uncomfortable.

Where's that guy who's still wearing my frog onesie?

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, that's my brother.

That's your brother?

Yeah.

Oh, really, wow.

Yeah.

Wow. I'm adopted.

Cool. John is also adopted.

I adopted him, so.

They could've been best mates who got along so well.

Why are you, uh, sitting under a table?

What's that about?

Everyone kept asking me how my weekend was and I didn't know how to tell them, this is... this is my weekend.

This is my weekend event.

I checked my mum into a mental home.

That's... That's my weekend.

No way, I'm mental.

Oh.

Really?

Yeah.

What type? Um...

I-I don't know.

My mum thinks she doesn't need to be in there.

Everyone thinks they're the least crazy person in there.

You've been in one?

Yeah, heaps.

Are you crazy?

No. Not... I'm not, like... Not at your level.

Yeah.

Like, I'm, like, a standard, you know, everyday level of crazy.

Oi?

Oh.

They just... They, um...

They think it's maybe hereditary.

Oh?

Oh, not that...

You know...

I didn't...

I don't think you're crazy, it's just...

Not like that.

I...

Yeah.

(laughing)

That's fine, I'm not offended.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

I'm not offended, I mean, I can't be offended, because you're crazy, so it would look really harsh of me to pretend like that was insulting, so that's cool.

(Josh) Oh, oh, oh, oh!

(cheering)

Suck my d*ck!

Suck his d*ck!

Massive d*ck!

Yeah!

Ha ha!

You wear glasses!

sh*t eyes massively sh*t eyes.

No, Arnold, it's still our turn.

You sure you're okay, Josh?

You don't want to have a rest?

'Cause you've had a rough day with your mum and all.

(all) Oh!

Oh!

At least I have a mum, orphan!

Man, what the f*ck?

We're playing.

What's wrong.

I'm adopted, he's teasing me because I'm adopted.

Whoa, Josh, what the f*ck?

We're just playing.

Yeah, it's funny, it's okay.

No, man, that's... That's f*cked.

That's my brother, man, that is so not cool.

He said that thing about my mum!

Yeah, but Steve's brother, he can't handle that stuff.

Yeah, he can... He just said "It's okay."

He's just being f*cking polite, you douche bag.

Steve, I'm not.

He's not.

It's so much more humiliating for him to have you tell him he's not okay, all right?

You're the one making him feel weird now, not me.

I'm not the monster here, okay?

I'm not the monster.

Can we...

Can we drink these now?

No, it's cool, Arnold.

No... Yes, you have to drink them.

I got the ball in the same cup as the other ball and that means you guys have to drink all the cups, every single cup and our cup.

Arnold, it's cool, man, honestly, don't worry.

I'm not gonna not drink them.

I don't want to waste them.

Me neither.

f*cking party.

Good time.

How do I look?

All right, Joshy.

A little bit weird in there, that beer pong.

Yeah... It's fine.

I'm sorry, mate... Sorry, Joshy, poor form.

Poor form on the boys, mate.

It's really funny... I get it, okay?

He's your brother, I get it, it's fine.

No, mate... Idea, right?

Me, you, Arnie, Patrick in the spa, sh*ts.

Yeah?

No.

Yeah?

No.

Josh doesn't like the spa.

No, come on. It's like a peace offering.

No, I don't need a peace offering. I promise, I'm feeling very peaceful.

If anything, I'm feeling too peaceful.

No, these things happen, yeah?

Like, a party baptism.

He does have a point.

Does he... Does he have a point?

Yeah... Yeah, come on.

Come on.

Oh, gosh no.

Oh.

No.

Lift me up straight, no!

No... No, no!

I don't want to!

I don't wanna go in the spa!

Boys, boys!

Put him down!

Yes, down!

Oh, Josh.

Thanks, Mum.

Goodness, me.

Josh, that place is so depressing, so I thought I'd come over and help you with the ham?

Oh, what are you doing here?

Okay, you know that coming here is bad, right?

That's what got you in there in the first place.

I'm gonna take you back.

No, no, no, no, no, don't take me back, I want to party with everybody.

I've had a pint.

Ham cock! Ham cock!

(laughing)

Ham cock... Ham cock!

You like that? That's fun? The ham... the ham cock?

It's a cock fashioned out of ham.

Pork shoulder.

I'm gonna call a cab, I'll take you back, okay?

Stay here. Just wait... Just stay right here.

Yes, I'll stay right here.

Yeah.

I'll stay right here.

Just right here.

He's cute.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's fine.

I'm sorry about my brother.

I have to go, okay?

Look me up on Facebook.

I'm... I don't have Facebook.

Okay, well, I don't have time to indulge you about why you made that choice.

All right, come on, let's do this.

Oh!

Oh, I hung out with those girls today, let's go over there.

Yeah, Mum, I don't think that's...

Are you Rose?

Oh, yeah, hi.

I'm Ginger. We share a bathroom.

Your shirt is so beautiful.

The bathroom's a mess.

You didn't pick up your tails. Why didn't you pick up your tails?

It's just gonna get messy again.

It's a shared space.

You're worried about ta... Look, I saved your life today.

You're a dirty tattletale.

Do you know how hard it is to get a hair dryer into this place?

They took it off me.

Hey, Ginger, I'm Josh.

I'm... I'm Rose's son.

I couldn't give a sh*t.

Do you want chocolates? Do you want some chocolate?

And besides, I wasn't trying to k*ll myself.

If I was trying to k*ll myself, I'd be dead.

It's easy to k*ll yourself.

It is. People do it by accident all the time.

So you don't want a chocolate?

Yeah... But don't sit there. Come here... This is my friend.

Hannah, that's Rose and that's Josh. Rose is my new roommate.

Hannah's depressed, open the chocolates.

So why are you here?

I'm a sex addict.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I'm addicted to sex.

How many times does someone have to have sex before they're an official addict?

I don't know.

I never found anyone that wants to f*ck me.

I know the problem.

(laughing)

So why are you actually here?

I'm bipolar.

Boring, isn't it?

Me too.

I know that.

I tricked the nurses into telling me.

Gosh.

You see, in here... we all hang out, all bipolar and the depressed people.

It's like prison, except we don't separate into race, we separate into illness.

I saw you talking to the eating disorders.

Like prison?

Yeah.

Like high school mixed with prison.

That is the most terrifying combination of places I could imagine.

Does anybody want that last chocolate?

(all) Yes.

Ooh, why don't we play that game from the film?

What's the film, Joshy?

"Notting Hill"?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, where the person with the saddest story gets the last treat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be good.

Do you really think that's a good idea?

Here?

Oh.

No, it won't... It won't make her sad.

Look, Ginger's a sex addict, we'll make it sexy.

Whoever has the worst losing-your-virginity story gets the chocolate, yeah?

You go first?

Oh, oh, I know this, I know this.

(giggling)

I thought he was inside her, but he wasn't really.

No!

Yeah.

No.

I mean, yeah, but that doesn't really count, does that?

I just... I have another story, anyway.

She had an asthma att*ck, I thought I was doing a good job.

No, it turns out my room was just dusty.

See, I always told you to tidy your room and you never did.

You never listen to me.

Yeah, that's why.

What about you?

Oh, no, mine was lovely.

Oh.

My parents were away and Josh's dad took me out for dinner with the little money he had in the world.

Oh, that wasn't sad at all.

Your first time was with Dad?

Yeah.

No, that is the saddest story I've ever heard.

You're winning.

Yeah, yeah, very sad.

Ginger?

I was saving myself for marriage, but my first love, Roger, he didn't like that, so he broke up with me and I got really angry so I went to a party and I got very drunk and I slept with his best friend.

Whom I hate.

(Rose) Okay, yeah, I guess that's...

I vomited on him.

(laughing) Okay, so.

I mean, I still think Mum is winning.

No, he... He was very fat.

(laughing) Okay.

Hannah.

I was r*ped.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, that... That's...

That's very forward of you.

No, Hannah, I'm really sorry, okay?

If Mum had known, I'm sure she wouldn't have asked.

No, I don't mind, I just knew the whole time you were talking, I was gonna get the chocolate.

I was r*ped, too.

What?

I didn't know that r*pe counted.

I mean, I was r*ped on the first time as well.

Really?

Yeah.

She's lying.

Am not.

Are you lying?

No.

I still think Hannah should get the chocolate.

Why?

I don't know... She said it first.

No!

I'm sorry, Hannah.

You owe me a chocolate.

Yeah.

♪ Shoo wop shoo ahh ♪
♪ Shoo wop ♪
♪ Shoo wop shoo ahh ♪
♪ Shoo wop ♪
♪ Shoo wop shoo ahh ♪
♪ Shoo wop ♪
♪ Shoo wop shoo ahh ♪
♪ Shoo wop ♪
♪ Shoo wop shoo ahh ♪
♪ Shoo wop ♪
♪ Shoo ahh ♪