03x09 - Champagne

[bunniefuu]

Mae: So, who is this guy?

Ben.

Huh?

Dad: I used to drive Ben and Josh to swimming club.

Not that Ben. Different Ben.

Ah, it's... Oh.

Get out of the way!

I don't understand why you want us to come.

I just needed a lift.

What is Tom doing?

He's busy.

I don't believe that.

So what's wrong with Ben?

He's having surgery on his brain.

You know, I think maybe you called us because you need us.

Just a lift.

No, you need your dad.

Did you call us because you need me, Josh?

Yeah, you love your dad.

Ah, is this... Is this the right level?

I think so.

I think I saw Day Surgery was on Level 4, though.

This is Level 4.

Yes, it is.

Josh, why don't you admit you love your dad?

I love you, Dad.

I love you too, Josh.

Just let me know if you need me to sign anything.

Please sit down.

Hi, I'm looking for my friend's room. Ben Robinson.

Oh, lovely. What's your name?

Josh?

Sorry, I don't know why I said it like I was checking with you.

It's Josh.

He has some family in there with him at the moment.

Of cour... yeah, of course, he has a family.

Yeah, and his family is probably really cherishing this time.

Shall I let them know you're here?

No, that suddenly feels a little bit silly. Um, we have to go.

Josh!

What?

Why can't he?

Alan!

Help your son!

Josh!

Josh?

Ok.

Ok, you need to explain who Ben is.

No, I don't. He's a boy. He is just a boy.

Oh, ok, fine.

But I still think you should be brave and go see him, though.

Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?

He could die and then every time I have two white wines I'll get sad, and then nobody'll invite me to parties.

I haven't told anybody.

Not Tom, not Claire. I don't know why.

Josh, mate, I think you need to go back and see him.

Yeah, listen to your dad.

No. No, no, no, thank you.

Alright, alright.

♪ One, two One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, I'll be fine ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Up, yeah, here ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Up, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Up, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I left better behind ♪
♪ I'll be fine ♪
♪ Fine ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Fine ♪
♪ Make my mama turn another blind eye ♪
♪ Eye ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I left better behind, I'll be fine... ♪

Hi.

Hello!

Uh, Josh, these are my parents.

Mum, Dad, this is Josh.

Oh.

Hello, Mr and Mrs Ben, hello.

Hello, Josh. Um, we were just going to get a cup of tea.

Did you want one?

No, I don't like tea.

Oh, alright. We'll be back soon.

Thanks.

I love tea. Yeah.

I don't know why I was just a bit weirdly aggressive about the tea.

Is it weird that you just met my parents?

Mm.

So I forgot to get you anything, and then I got you this ice-cream.

Then they told me you're not allowed to eat.

But I wanted you to see that I tried.

Did you get yourself one?

Yeah, no.

Do you want to eat it?

f*ck, yes, I do.

You look fine.

You sound annoyed about it.

Mm, well, I was all mentally prepared to see tubes and things going... going inside you.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, that all comes after, that stuff, and you look pretty awful, actually.

Yeah, well, I thought it'd be rude to turn up looking healthy, so I didn't moisturise.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I'm gonna go now. It's just nothing...

It's just maybe your parents like you more than I do.

Well, I'll call you when I get out of here, ok?

Mm. Yeah, obviously, obviously.

If I don't die.

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm pooped. Oh, Hannah!

Yeah?

Did you sneak liquorice into the shopping? Oh, it's yucky!

Three?

Yeah no, I'll definitely be home by three.

Yeah, it'll be good to see you too, yeah.

Yeah, life certainly does get busy, yep.

No, you hang up first.

Hannah, there's no more room for thegroceries in the kitchen.

We're losing the blender.

Huh?

My ex, Debbie, wants it back.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh...

Oh! Oh!

That's been there since your green smoothie phase... day.

Nuh, we can't possibly let her see the house.

We want to trick her into thinking you're a big success.

Right.

Josh?

Hi.

Are you hiding?

Yep, yeah, I'm hiding.

From me?

Mostly.

What did I do?

Nothing.

Actually, I did do something, but I'm not sure now's the right time to talk about it.

Ok, go.

Um, I washed John.

Great.

But I ran out of dog shampoo and I used your shampoo instead, so you're out of shampoo.

Ok.

Why are you hiding from me?

I had sex with a guy. A guy that is not you.

That's allowed. You know that's allowed.

Ok, I have to tell you the story, because I'm me, right, this fella, so he turned out to be a real weird, annoying freak boy.

Exactly the type of person who gets excited to see my penis, right?

No offence. He's not in there, is he?

Funny. So freak boy and I, we had the sex, right? Mediocre.

And then he decides to tell me all about his big aneurysm in his brain.

You know what that is, but I didn't, but you would.

It's bad, yeah? It's sh*t. It's real... it's real bad.

A few weeks later, this guy, his name is Ben, he calls me and he says, "I'm getting an operation on my sh*t brain and I might die. Please come and see me."

At first I was a bit confused at why he'd ask me, but then I remembered what a weird freak boy he was, and it made a lot of sense, and he has no-one in his life to call except me, the other weird guy from the internet whobriefly touched his penis once.

Ok. Are you done?

This morning I went to the hospital, right, because I am a nice guy, when I go visit someone to say hi a few hours before they maybe die in surgery.

Ok.

Do you like him?

Yes, but not romantically. Look, it's going to be a weird day, ok?

Waiting for a hospital call to tell me if this boy is alive or not.

You're going to see a lot of concern in my eyes, but I need you to know that while it's all a bit much, I'm not romantically interested, no matter what happens today with the life or death.

Does he like you?

Yes. I love you.

Why won't you tell me what happened between you and Josh?

Because it's nothing.

Are you guys going on The Amazing Race without me?

No.

Guys, I've been thinking about the massive Ferris wheel and how we should go on it today.

Is it that you're jealous of my career?

Yes.

I just don't know what you two would keep from me.

I know everyone thinks it's lame 'cause it's just a copy of the one in London, but we aren't in London, so will have to do.

Ella, we're not going on the Observation Wheel.

Ooh! Too fancy to say 'Ferris wheel'?

Big Tom with his big, fancy terms.

Are you guys having a baby?

Please shut up!

Oh, my God, I nailed it. They're having a baby.

Tom. I promise you, you want to shut up.

Why? I just...

Because I had an abortion, ok?

It's not something you do on your own.

I don't have a partner, and I had to take Josh. f*ck!

Oh, Claire, I'm sorry. That's rough.

No, it's not, it's fine! I'm fine.

I'm just glad I got him to shut up.

Why didn't you tell me?

Ohh!

Tom! She doesn't have to tell you.

She told Josh.

So?

Yeah, I can tell whoever I want.

Yeah, what the hell?

It's our choice what we do with our bodies and who we tell.

You're such the patriarchy.

Yeah, I really hate how you're always such the patriarchy, Tom.

I'm not the patriarchy.

I'm not gonna let the patriarchy tell me that I can't go on the massive Ferris wheel.

Ugh, they're having sex! We're not having sex.

Are you guys having sex?

We aren't having sex.

Oh, I wanted to see!

Ah, Tom and Ella and I are gonna go to the Ferris wheel.

Do you want to come?

Um...

Are you up to going on the Ferris wheel?

Um, ah, yeah, I could. You?

Yeah, yeah, I could go.

That would be fun.

Are you sure?

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck type of attitude is that for a Ferris wheel?

That is not theright tone for a Ferris wheel.

Why are you doing that? Oh, why did you pick that?

They were in the cupboard.

I want to tidy the cupboard so we can fit things in.

Oh. ok.

Get your own cupboard!

Oh, nyeeeh!

Cheers, guys!

Um, ok, so I know you don't want to talk about it.

I just want to make sure that you are ok.

Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm drinking champagne in the sky on a Ferris wheel. I'm ok.

Meanwhile, what's going on with you two?

Nothing.

Something.

Definitely something.

So, Josh's friend, Ben, is in the hospital.

What happened to Ben? Ok, so you guys know Ben?

Uh...

I've heard of Ben.

Yes. Everyone knows Ben. I don't know Ben.

How does everyone know Ben?

He came to the house.

What happened to Ben?

I went and visited him today.

He's having brain surgery.

He's having brain surgery? Like now?

Surgery of the brain?

Yeah.

Well, how are we meant to enjoy the Observation Wheel knowing that?

I don't know, Tom. Maybe just pretend you don't know.

I can't do that.

I had a funny story about a poodle, but I'll save it for another day.

Should we stop drinking the champagne?

It feels a little bit inappropriate now.

When are you going to find out how it goes, Josh?

Ah, not for a while. The hospital's going to call me.

You're on his hospital call list?

Yeah, he put me on it.

I had no idea you kept seeing each other.

We didn't.

Ah, he didn't.

When will he call?

Not for ages.

(Phone rings)

Is that them?

It's a blocked number.

Oh, my God, it's them.

No, it's too early.

Not if he d*ed at the start of surgery.

Why would you say that?

Sorry, I was just thinking out loud.

Hello?

We need your help cleaning, Josh. Come and save us, Joshie.

Mum, why is your number blocked?

Oh, just Stuart. We're in lockdown.

Hi, Rose.

You come and help your mum clean up!

I can't. I'm out with friends.

I'm worried about all this time you're spending with friends, Josh.

(Chuckles) I just... I just can't, ok? I'm in the Observation Wheel.

Oh! Oh, well, I have an observation for you.

Have you ever noticed how Josh never helps his poor, sick mum clean?

What's the deal with that, then? Goodbye!

Ok, bye. My mum's manic, so there's that.

How'd you meet Ben?

On Grindr. Then he came over.

Trust Josh to try and have casual sex and then wind up in the hospital.

He outstayed his welcome, ok? We chatted, it was nice, but I told him I didn't want to see him again.

But you did.

Once, in hospital.

Why didn't you tell us you'd seen him again?

It... It was just... weird. It was just really weird.

I didn't want to talk about it.

I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell us.

I tell you everything. I wouldn't have judged you.

I'm not told anything. I told you about my chlamydia.

I understand why I wasn't told.

You guys know I have a lot of empathy.

No, you have the same amount of empathy as everyone else.

No, I have... I have extra empathy.

Not true.

So I mean, you obviously care about this guy a lot, Josh.

f*ck. He's just maybe going to die, alright? I don't know.

You seem quite upset.

Oh yeah, did you notice that with your super empathy?

Just when people are maybe going to die, they seem a bit extra special.

I got carried away, yes?

You have a rescue complex.

Are you talking about me there, when you say that about his rescue complex?

Well, you did meet in a mental home.

Stunning empathy.

(Phone rings)

That's gotta be them. Everyone else is here.

Hello, this is Josh.

Oh, hi, Josh, it's Dad.

Dad, why is your number blocked, ok?

Unless Stuart calls you, it's not gonna make a difference.

Um, no, I decided I don't want people knowing my number.

People? What people?

Oh, people. Anyway, I called up to check. Have you heard anything?

No.

Oh.

Do you need anything?

I can't talk, ok?

I'm in the Observation Wheel.

Ooh! What's it like?

Yeah, you know, it's not bad. Right, just wait there.

Ok.

Wait there. Can you see my house?

Hang on, I'm coming. I'm coming. Hang on.

No. No, not really.

Are you looking now?

Yeah.

Josh, I'm waving.

No, Dad, I can't see you.

Can you see me? I'm waving and jumping!

No, I... no, Dad, I can't see you waving.

I'm wearing a check shirt.

I'm gonna go.

Oh!

Bye.

At least Josh didn't tell anyone.

You two went off and had a little, secret bonding moment.

I've never had a bonding moment with either of you.

And I'm...

I'm better at feelings than Josh. I'm reliable.

I'm like the rock. I'm like the group rock.

Tom, the reason why we didn't tell you is because we thought if you perceived Claire to be in trouble, then you would fall in love with her again.

Everyone has a rescue complex.

Is that true?

Yeah.

Nah.

Tom loves victims, Josh loves victims.

It's why they love each other.

Am I a victim?

Not yet.

Do you think that you might fall in love with Claire again?

No. You think I'd fall in love with everyone who's had an abortion?

There are many people who've had abortions who I hate.

You really aren't nailing it today.

I am drunk.

I admit that maybe the Ferris wheel wasn't my best idea ever.

Hannah, what are you doing?

I don't know.

You're just sitting there like a gorilla in the mist.

I've been helping.

No, you are reading a book.

The last time I came over, you were reading the instructions to Monopoly.

You know how to play Monopoly.

Stop hassling! I sorted out the plastic containers.

Oh, yeah!

And why didn't you go the rest of the way and actually put them back in the cupboard?

I could trip over that and break my neck if I'm not careful.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm ruining your scheme to trick other people into thinking I'm a success.

No, no, no, no, that is not the problem.

I'm not the problem, Hannah.

You're the problem.

Ella: So I know that today mostly has to be about Josh, but can we just talk about Claire for a second?

Ah, sure, ok.

Um, can you tell me what type of feelings you have surrounding her?

For Claire?

Yep.

Um, Claire, I feel respect and kinship, and I definitely do care about her, especially when it's health related, like it has been recently.

And do you love her?

I do. I do love her.

I love her in the same way I love pancakes. And Josh.

You love me?

Yep. And Arnold.

Even though that's a newer friendship.

That's very thoughtful, Tom.

Thank you, Arnold.

Tom, do you love me as much as pancakes?

Yeah. Yeah.

And what about, like, romantically?

Do you think that you could ever fall in love with her again?

You know I don't, and I wish Josh hadn't said that, because that is something that's in the past, and...

And I'll be honest with you, that was a part of my life that took a while to... to get over.

But um, but genuinely, that's over, and you know what?

I... you know, it feels really good even to say that out loud.

It's like...

I think it's like the first time I've even truly believed it myself.

Mm-hmm.

Do you believe me?

Yeah.

Good, because it's true.

When was the last time that you kissed?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Tom, when was the last time that you kissed Claire?

Ok, so something weird happened last week.

Claire?

Oh, no, Ella, it really was...

No, no! It's fine.

Just nothing.

I just want to, um...

Can you just explain to me, like, what happened?

Claire was sad.

No.

Mm-mm. I wasn't. That wasn't what it was, ok?

We just...

We got locked in his room so that Josh could be alone with Ben.

Drunk.

Yeah.

Ok, so yeah, we were also drunk. We had like two bottles of wine.

And I don't know, we just... We had nothing else to do.

Josh and Ben were taking so long.

What?

No.

Look, ok.

Ella, imagine like just the grossest, most disgusting person you've ever kissed.

Mm.

How long did he stay?

Sorry, it wasn't that long.

Too long, ok? It's... I let it get out of hand.

I'm not used to hook-ups.

Well, did he sleep over?

Yeah, yeah. I didn't want him to.

He was just telling me about his broken brain.

Over breakfast.

Look, if there was like a glory hole for kissing, I probably would have gone there, but they don't exist, I don't think, so I just closed my eyes and I kissed Tom instead.

Is that what it was like for you, Tom?

Yeah. It was... It was like kissing my sister. Worse.

I wish I had a sister, so I could have kissed her instead.

You want to cheat on me with your imaginary sister?

Um, how many times after he slept over did you see him?

Once, when he was in hospital.

But you lied to everyone about the hospital.

No, I did not lie. I just didn't tell them.

Why would you go and see someone in hospital if you'd only met them once?

'Cause he called me and asked me to come and visit.

It just doesn't make any sense, Josh.

I don't know what you want me to say. That's what happened, alright?

I know it's weird, but that's what happened.

Ok, so maybe the Ferris wheel wasn't my strongest idea ever.

You already said that.

I thought no-one heard, Tom, 'cause no-one laughed.

I want to get off this f*cking thing! I want to get out.

Where could I even go?

I can't go back to your house. I can't live at Mum and Dad's.

Arnold, ok...

Don't touch me. You can't touch me.

Josh, you can't touch him when he's like that.

No, f*ck you. Just listen, alright?

Ok, so how many people do you think I meet a day?

I don't know. On average, like, three.

How many is that a year?

One... 1,095.

How long do you think I've been capable of romantic love?

Ten years?

Ok. So I fall in love with two people in that time, right?

So that's two people in 10,950, which is one in 5,000...

475... chance that I'm going to meet someone that I'm in love with, and there's a one in 5,475 chance that they're going to love me back, ok?

What's the chance of my one meeting someone where I'm they're one?

That's assuming that everyone you meet could be someone that you could fall in love with, where actually it's more likely to be a subset of that number, based on like a defined criteria around love.

Ok. If we ignore the subset, what's the number?

One in like 29 million.

Ok. So there's a one in 29 million chance I'm gonna meet someone, I'm gonna love them and they're going to love me back.

How many people are in the world?

7 billion.

What's the chance of us meeting, amongst that 7 billion, by the chance of us the 29 million?

Well, that's just not really a thing, but the calculation would be just like a very, very, very small number.

A tiny number.

Very small. That's not even taking into account whether or not I was charming on that day, whether or not they were charming on that day, ok? Mm-hmm.

So there's a very small chance that that number is a dope called Ben I met on Grindr, yes?

Yeah?

I love you and you love me, and it's just the most remarkable coincidence.

Ok?

Also, I've been meaning to talk about whether or not you wanted to move in permanently, but I don't know if now's a great time.

I'll think about it. Ok?

Oh, I take it back, guys. This has been thrilling.

'Great idea, Ella!' 'Oh, thanks guys.'

I told her I couldn't be home because I had an emergency meeting with my architect.

I really think you should have cleaned it.

I'm too busy. Plus, it's not mine anymore.

Ok.

Is she normally on time?

Very much so.

Well, I can't see where we left the blender, so maybe...

How will we know if she's already picked it up?

Maybe she's already been.

Oh, hey Debbie! Debbie, are you there, Debbie?

Debbie, you dumb slut! Debbie, you are a dumb slut!

No, please stop, please stop. Just stop.

Is that a bit too close to the bone?

Is that what she was like? Was she like that?

Quite the opposite. (Cackles)

Here he is, with the ribs. What a hero.

Thank you, Thomas. You're welcome.

Arnold, I'm sorry.

There is some more quiche there if you like.

I'm not hungry.

It's delicious. It's f*cking delicious.

(Cuckoo clock chimes)

(Phone rings)

Sorry.

Can you...

Hello? Yeah, this is Josh. Hi.

Ok, that's great. Thank you. Thanks.

They hung up.

He's alright?

Yeah, no, he's fine.

Yeah, he's... he's good.

Good.

That's great.