01x01 - Yogurt Shop / Pizzeria (Pilot)

[bunniefuu]

I own a pizza place...

Both: Help me, Nathan.

My name is Nathan Fielder, And I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades. Now, I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.

This... <I>Is Nathan for you.</I>

Frozen yogurt is one of the most popular treats in america, Enjoyed by everyone like asian women...

Or just a regular guy in the neighborhood.

Well, I'm just a regular guy...

In the neighborhood here.

But that popularity doesn't mean much If your yogurt shop is empty.

Nick Batista is the manager of yogurt haven In eagle rock, california.

And lately, he's been in desperate need of customers.

It would be a plus if we got more traffic going.

So I paid him a visit with some advice On how to help his business Firstly, did you see someone in here with a beard yesterday?

I was actually not working yesterday.

It was my day off.

That was me.

Okay.

Yeah.

I came to scope it out.

Oh, sweet.

Yeah.

Cool.

My mission was to fill yogurt haven with customers.

My plan... A crazy new flavor that will get people talking.

That flavor is poo.

[Snickering]

Is that serious?

Yeah.

The media responds to controversy.

We know that.

I feel like a poo yogurt flavor might be a news story.

If people read the paper, It could bring like...

Hundreds of thousands of people in here maybe...

Just to try that flavor?

Yes Of poo.

Yes.

I really needed to sell my idea to Nick.

So the first step was to actually create the new flavor.

I found a company online that said they could custom-Make any flavor.

And after a week of waiting, the flavor was ready.

So I went to the gold coast lab in commerce, california To pick it up.

This is, uh... This is what you requested.

We call it "artificial feces" flavor emulsion.

Is there a real-

There's no actual...

It's completely edible.

It... You could eat this.

Right.

But if you wanted to dilute it...

Mix it into yogurt.

You could make yogurt.

I didn't wanna be the first to try it, But I needed to know if the taste was accurate.

So I conducted a taste test with some strangers.

So I'd le everyone to try the frozen yogurt In front of you.

Ugh.

Yuck.

What does it taste like?

It's not good.

Peppermint.

Peppermint?

Kinda like licorice.

Mm. It's got some other familiar...

Flavors in there, but I can't...

What does this taste like to you?

Poo. [Giggling]

I don't know.

Really?

Yeah, it does actually, What I would think of, um...

What we you basing that on?

Um, clearly the look helps.

Right.

The color. Uh...

Normal.

'Cause I was just...

It was amazing how quick you got it.

So I was like, oh, maybe she's liked it.

No.

'Cause it's based on real poo.

Never tried it.

I mean, it's okay. You can say if you have.

I haven't.

It's not... I mean...

No, I promise.

Genuinely, it would help to know If you actually have and it does.

No, I have not ever.

Even by accident you're telling me?

Not by accident.

It's okay.

No.

It's totally fine if you have.

I have never tried it.

People do weird things all the time.

I promise you.

I was happy with the results.

And with the flavor in good shape, It was time to revisit nick at yogurt haven.

Um...

Huh?

I'm just gonna throw this...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what do you wanna do?

Um...

We can give it a sh*t, But I mean, it's not something I would have out here for...

More than a day.

We settled on 2 1/2 months to start.

And with Nick's permission, We installed the new flavor.

Now I wanted to get an article in the paper and that meant hiring a publicist.

And I got a meeting with one of L.A.'S best, Tyler barnett.

I think if you really are considering implementing A [bleep]-Flavored ice cream, You should reconsider the entire campaign.

So you disagree?

Yeah, I think it's a poor idea.

If you heard that a frozen yogurt shop in your neighborhood Had a poo flavor, you're saying you wouldn't go to check it out?

No.

There are better ways to get attention.

I can come up with five off the top of my head.

Okay, I'd like to hear one.

Frozen-Yogurt-Eating contest.

Invite kids from all around the block to come and have a frozen-Yogurt-Eating contest.

Okay, I would not go to that. Next one.

You know what you could do.

You could fill a bucket full of [bleep] frozen yogurt And put it on your head and then stand outside of the store With a sign that says "I don't know how to market a business"

And see if people come.

People could come with little spoons and they could...

When I first came today, I had to go to the bathroom and you lent me your keys.

I did.

I saw that you drive a porsche.

I do.

Um, don't they say people that drive nice cars Maybe have small penises?

I think it's a known fact.

Well, I assure you that's not a known fact.

How can you assure me?

Do you... Have you seen a lot of penises?

Some.

Some.

Since you're a penis expert, I'm asking.

I'm not a penis expert. What are you talking about?

You just said that you're a penis expert.

No, I said I've seen a few penises.

I think I haven't seen enough penises... like you have to.

I don't understand the amount...

Seeing the amount of penises, How that would have to do with you having a small penis?

Unfortunately, Tyler didn't wanna take me on as a client.

So I opted for a more grassroots approach To get the word out.

Yeah, mom?

sh**t. Sorry.

Oh, my god.

Sorry, please... Oh.

Oh, here.

No, it okay.

Here.

No, sorry, my hands are full.

Yeah, it's not a problem.

I was just telling my mom there's this frozen yogurt shop That has this crazy flavor.

Uh-Huh.

It's like a poo flavor yogurt.

[Laughing]

I was just telling her.

So I was dropping all my stuff.

You should check it out. See ya.

My plan was working, And people were flocking to the store To check out the new flavor.

So what flavors did you get?

I got e vanilla, the euro tart, And the poo flavor.

Oh, the poo. That was my least favorite.

It was a success.

And like I predicted, the store was full.

And in the world of business, that's all that matters.

But just when I thought my job was done, The next day I paid Nick a visit With an even better idea.

I went for dinner last night at a restaurant.

And while I was eating, I saw some...

I think, like, rat poop on the ground.

And I was so disgusted I couldn't finish my meal.

So I was thinking, I'm not sure if it's a good idea To have something poo-Related in a place that serves food.

That's what I was trying to say...

From the very beginning.

Right.

Anyways, I just wanted to give you that advice.

So... you're welcome, and...

Thank you. I mean...

Take care.

I mean, if...

Yeah, if you wanna hang out some time outside.

Uh...

I don't know.

It's fine.

Don't have to.

Yeah, okay.

I said the wrong thing at the wrong time again but I never really meant Everybody talks about the importance Of a good college education.

But over the years, I've discovered that being smart Has very little to do with success.

Confidence.

And if you don't believe me I'll prove it.

I arranged a job interview at a reputable law firm.

They allowed us to film with our cameras, But what they don't know Is that every word I say in the interview Will be decided by a seven-Year-Old boy.

This is amir, and he loves the color orange.

My favorite color is orange because...

Because orange... It could...

So by only saying what Amir tells me to say Through this hidden earpiece, Ostensibly giving me the brain of a seven-Year-Old, Can I land this high-Powered job based on confidence alone?

Well, you're about to find out.

What we actually do here is we file a lot of documents In the court, motions.

Why would you wanna work in a law firm?

Because it says "no bad guys."

Because it says there's no bad guys.

And so no bad guys could come in that town.

So no bad guys could come in that town.

Um...

What's the next question What's the next question?

Okay.

What kind of experience do you have in this field?

What that means.

What that means.

Legal experience.

Could we just not do this question?

Could we not do that question?

Okay.

Do you know how to file documents in the courts?

Do you like skateboarding?

You like skateboarding?

No, I don't like skateboarding, But I asked you a question.

Can we mon?

Can we move on?

Okay.

It seemed like I was nailing it.

And at the end, I asked Ms. Castanita for an evaluation.

All right, so I know that was a mock interview.

But if that was a real job, Would you have hired me based on what you saw?

No.

But maybe?

No.

But maybe though, right?

Maybe.

Wow. I just landed a job at a law firm Using the words of a seven-Year-Old By acting confident.

But what if, instead of an innocent kid It was a jerk who was actually trying to sabotage me?

So I headed into another job interview, This time at dilbeck real estate With top agent west de young.

My friend john has been instructed To make it as hard as possible for me to get the job.

So will my confidence be enough to overcome that?

Hi, I'm Nathan.

Hi, I'm Nathan.

West de young.

West. Like the direction.

Ha ha.

Ha ha.

Nice to meet you.

You can call me Nathan, Or you can call me by my nickname, the "n" word.

Well, you can call me Nathan, Or you can call me by my nickname, the "n" word.

[Laughing] okay.

So...

So...

So...

What brings you here?

What's your interest in coming in?

Well, I like my jobs like I like my women... Easy I like my jobs like I like my women.

And how is that?

Easy.

I like your dimples.

But again, so what's your vision?

I like your dimples.

Thank you.

So does my mother.

Is she still alive?

Is she still ave?

Yes, she is.

That's too bad.

That's too bad.

I mean my mother.

My mother.

She's dead.

My mother, she's dead.

And how did she pass away?

In the w*r.

In the w*r.

In which w*r?

The iraq w*r.

Iraq.

Okay.

So what branch of the serve did she serve in?

She fought for the iraqi army under S*ddam hussein.

She fought for... iraq.

Against america.

Against america.

Okay.

Yeah, so let me tell you a little bit more about me.

So, yes, let me tell you A little bit more about me.

Okay.

Along with my interests in real estate, I also am a child molester.

Did you hear me?

I said I am also interested in molesting children."

Um...

What I have is an inflation that I can't control.

No, I'm not saying that.

I said 98% of what john said.

But the real accomplishment Was that after the interview end...

So we've done a job interview.

Sort of.

West was still impressed by my confidence Your confidence gave me...

A reason to think that it would be worth chatting with you more.

I was two for two.

But what you just saw is nothing Compared to what's coming up later.

In the world of pizza, delivery is king.

But don't just take my word for it.

Tony a. Owns valley pizza land in van nuys, california, And he says that over 30% of his business Comes from delivery.

As usual, I went by the day before in my beard To scope things out.

The next day, I met up with tony without my beard.

This is valley valley's pizza lan Great.

So we got hollywood Pizza land, We got l.A. Pizza land.

It should be... There should be a "y" up here.

Yeah, yeah.

Tony explained to me that the key to his business Was his 35-Minute delivery guarantee.

But I had an even better idea That would blow his competition out of the water.

You're gonna guarantee 8-Minute delivery Or you get a free pizza.

Yeah? No, I don't think so.

'Cause why?

You can't deliver in eight minutes, right?

Of course not.

Even I can't cook the pizza for eight minutes.

That's the point.

Yes.

You'll always be late.

But the free pizza they get will be an inch big.

Oh, okay.

The plan... 8-Minute delivery guarantee.

With this offer, Tony will still get the money from the original order, And he'll only have to give away a tiny pizza as the free one.

Don't be shy to tell me it's a great idea.

To be honest, I love compliments.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I had some flyers done up to advertise the new promotion.

Ooh, very nice.

"8 minute delivery guaranteed."

So you're willing to give it a try?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we gonna try it. Yes.

Okay.

And with Tony's approval, We printed off hundreds of them And had them delivered to houses and apartments All over the city. [Phone ringing]

Pretty soon, the calls were starting to come in, And the staff was hard at work putting my idea to the test.

But because this was going to be a brand-New situation For the delivery guy, I wanted to prepare him for what might happen at the front door.

Angel.

Angel? Your name?

Yes.

Why you have that name?

Um, because my mother gave it to me.

Oh, okay.

So when you arrive at the front door, You're gonna be late.

And people are gonna be wanting their free pizza.

So maybe let's just role play what that might look like So you know what to expect.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes.

You would knock.

Oh.

Oh, hello.

Hi, I have a delivery for-From pizza land.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Your... But your ad said eight minutes or a free pizza."

And you were over 30 minutes.

Here's your free pizza, sir.

Hmm.

This is a lot smaller than what I expect.

But technically, You didn't specify the size of the free pizza.

So this is fair. Thank you very much.

So that's probably how it will go.

And you still need to charge them for the big pizza.

Yeah.

With adequate training and a backlog of orders, What are your... What is your, like, ultimate goal?

To be an artist, a singer.

Singer?

Yeah.

And the home of the brave Yeah, I kinda tweaked it a little bit, Made it my own.

Yeah, that's... great.

Hi, my name is angel.

Uh, I got an order of a large cheese and pepperoni pizza.

Yeah.

Here.

Your free pizza.

No, sir.

Are you kidding me?

This is the free pizza?

[Laughing]

"Guaranteed free pizza."

It doesn't specifically say what size of pizza it is.

Doesn't anybody say anything to you?

That's, like, ridiculous.

That's okay. Have a good day.

Along with the $14.26.

Take your $14.26 and tell your boss To [bleep] 'fess up and do the right thing.

'Cause that's not right.

That's a piece of... That's garbage.

I want nothing from you. Thanks, man.

Be good. Hey...

Be careful driving.

All right. Thanks.

He didn't accept the pizza.

He didn't take it?

At all.

Did he pay?

No. He wouldn't take it, he wouldn't pay for it.

He wouldn't... He doesn't wanna see me.

Here, gimme your shirt.

Gimme your shirt. I'm gonna go in.

"8 minute delivery guaranteed or a free pizza."

It doesn't say the size of the pizza.

You know what?

Take your self and your pizza...

We're following...

You're... And I'm following my rules.

[Bleep] you! That's my rules.

I ain't paying [eep].

Ta your pizza and stick it up your ass.

I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna hear about it.

You don't have to be rude.

Go away.

Why do you have nail polish on your thumb?

'Cause I'm gay. You got a problem with that?

Bite it.

So how did it go?

He wouldn't pay. What should we do?

When they have a great guy, I don't know why they don't just stay with him.

Basically, they want the guys who treat them horrible.

Nice guys like us are left behind.

Yeah. They say nice guys finish last.

At least we got our pizza.

Yes, I do love pizza.

Two weeks after implementing the delivery guarantee, I nt back to valley pizza land To see how things were going.

So eight minutes is not enough for us.

The pizza is not ready, and we're late, And we give out this tiny pizza for our customers.

I have a parting gift for you.

Okay.

Here's a bunch of ys.

Okay.

So if it falls, you know,.

All right.

Thank you, tony.

Thank you.

Best of luck with your business.

So far tonight, you've seen me land jobs Using the words of amir and john.

But what if I did my confidence experiment With someone who had no chance of ever getting hired?

Like ted. He's a turtle.

Again, only use ted's words, Can I impress executive ash hamid enough With my confidence to hire me at his company?

Hi. Ash.

What's your name?

I'm ash hamid. Nice to meet you.

Um, do you need someone with sign language?

Well, I always work for myself.

Once he started talking, I knew I was in control.

And after wards, I showed him who he'd really been interviewing.

This is who you just hired.

And that's the power of confidence.

I would love to be included in your will.

Double "D" breasts are essential for you?

It's gotta be substantial.