01x05 - Haunted House / The Hunk

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Nathan for You". Aired: February 2013 to November 2017.*
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"Nathan for You" centers around Nathan Fielder, who helps real small businesses turn a profit. Often people gain more than they were expecting!
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01x05 - Haunted House / The Hunk

Post by bunniefuu »

My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.

[dramatic music]



This is Nathan for you.

There's nothing people like more than being scared.

Well, yeah, I like my--

Woah!

Oh, my god.

That's why, when october swings around, haunted houses are big business.

Bruce stanton is the owner of reign of terror, an annual haunted house in thousand oaks, california.

We have a perfect environment to set you up to be scared.

But after taking a walk-through of the supposedly scary mansion, I came out less than impressed.

Hi.

So I talked to bruce one on one about an idea I had to help his business.

What is the best press a haunted house can get?

That it's so scary, someone peed their pants.

No.

Pee is one thing.

I want your haunted house to be so scary that someone sues you for being too scary.

I don't know that we want people to sue us.

If the reign of terror was sued for being too scary, that news would attract thrill-seekers from around the world.

The plan, get customers to sue by making them think that they're really going to die.

No, because I think that will be going too far.

Well, your current approach could get press too.

Yes.

By being the world's least scary haunted house.

Uh, I don't think that's the approach we want, but--

Well, that's the approach it seems like you're currently taking.

No, we are a scary--

"reign of terror. Where pussies go to relax."

Oh, okay.

Or, "reign of terror, you're probably going to die."

You mean in the haunted house, we paint a picture that their death is... Imminent.

Yes.

Okay.

To scare people enough that they would sue, I explained to bruce that we needed to convince customers they somehow contracted a disease they're likely to die from.

Bruce reluctantly agreed to let me try it out for a day.

And after a week of preparation, my actors were ready.

It was time for people to enter the world's scariest haunted house.

Well, thanks for coming to the reign of terror.

Oh, we're excited, man.

You're excited?

Yeah, man.

I have to warn you before you go in.

Oh, dang.

This haunted house is extremely scary.

I like the sound of that.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

All right, welcome to the reign of terror.

You first.

[air hissing]

[shrieks]

Ooh...

Mommy.

Hells....

You're my mommy.

[screams]

[both laugh]

[chainsaw buzzing]

[screams]

[growls]

Aah!

[roars]

[evil laugh]

[laughs]

Sorry, one sec. What? Who?

Who? Her?

Yeah.

Sorry, can you come with me for a sec?

Sorry, guys.

Were you guys scared in there?

Yeah.

So sorry, did she touch you by any chance?

Or was there a--

Um, I think she probably touched my neck.

Mommy!

[screams]

[slow-motion laughter]

Like, I usually wear my glasses and this time I didn't, and I overshot the grab and I was supposed to not touch you.

Wait, sorry, just--

Sorry.

Can you guys wait in here one sec?

Yeah.

Sorry, one second.

What is it called?

It's called klein's disease.

And it's an immunity--

Klein disease?

Klein's disease.

So what's the problem?

She has an auto-immune thing.

She worried when she touched you, she transmitted something to you.

Mm-hm.

So don't get freaked out or anything, but I called an ambulance.

Paramedics are just coming to make sure.

They'll look at you, it's just precautionary.

So just hold tight. Thank you so much.

No problem.

I hope you had a good time in the haunted house.

Sorry about this.

It's all good.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Uh, just in here.

Do you have any cuts or anything like that?

I don't think so. I don't look back there a lot.

[laughter]

Okay, do you mind if I just--

We should definitely get her checked out, if that's--

Yeah.

"checked out" in what way?

Like, at a hospital with a doctor for sure, for klein's.

[sirens wailing]

To my knowledge, it's a disease that's pretty serious.

Basically, if you've got a cut, and you're touched, and you have any sort of open wound or anything that, you know, touched an orifice-- your eye, your mouth, or anything that's open or anything like that.

Jeez.

Yeah.

It can be contracted, so--

Is this, like, aids? Is it, like--worse?

Well, it is an immune deficiency disease.

[sighs]

Yeah?

Okay.

What's that mean?

How are we doing?

At this time it's a precautionary measure.

That's all it is.

It's a first stage, we're gonna have you checked out right here, okay?

Are you a doctor?

Yeah.

Are you a doctor?

I am a doctor, yes.

I need her to come outside with me, and we're gonna move on to another stage where there's more doctors.

Why are you wearing this suit? Is it serious?

It's for my--yes, sir, it is serious, please.

No! What is going on? We all have this!

If he's wearing this, we all have it.

I understand that.

What is this thing?

Sir--

It's for my safety.

Why don't we have what he has?

No! Why does he have a biohazard suit?

No, wait. Hold on, hold on.

No, no, no.

Hold on, hold on.

She's not going nowhere 'till you explain, man, what's going on, man.

Yeah!

What's going on?

She's not going nowhere. Look, she's touching me.

We're gonna walk right outside.

Let's walk right outside.

Okay.

I just want an explanation, that's all I'm asking for.

All right.

Nice.

[both laughs]

Hope you guys enjoyed the haunted house.

[laughs]

You guys enjoy it in there?

That was different.

Wow.

That was different?

I was not expecting that.

This right here is a lawyer.

Hello.

Peter--

Peter.

Peter marx.

Mo.

Mo. And you are?

I'm mira.

Mira.

So if you found the haunted house too scary, and you want to press any legal action against the haunted house, he can talk to you--

We can talk and see-- under the law, you have claims for what we call "intentional infliction of emotional distress."

Or even "negligent infliction of emotional distress."

I don't want to create problems that don't exist, but if you have those concerns, feel free to call me.

But you don't have to, it's only if you're comfortable about it.

After running several more customers through my version of the haunted house--

Hey, mom, it's jordan.

Um, actually I have to go to the hospital.

There was somebody with a disease.

Now, I'm not trying to create a lawsuit here, I just--you have certain rights under california law.

I paid bruce a visit to follow up.

What did you think?

Well, I think it's completely impractical for a haunted house.

But people were scared.

Yeah, I don't know, I couldn't tell.

We had a lawyer there at the exit that thinks, you know, some people might have a case.

Peter? Do you wanna come in?

Hello.

Hi, this is bruce.

Peter.

He runs the haunted house.

Nice to meet you.

So some of these people have a case, right?

Well, some of them were a little apprehensive and I'm not trying to get you in a lot of trouble--

But you want to sue.

I want to sue for legitimate claims, absolutely.

And this is a legitimate claim?

Well, it could be. And, uh, we'll see.

All right.

All right, thanks so much.

All right.

Well, I'm glad I-- you know, could have helped and done this for you.

Took a good haunted house and...

Not made it any better. Okay.

Well, I'm trying to get you press.

Okay.

In the end, the scariest thing about the haunted house was bruce's terrible manners.

But when someone's rude to you, you can't take it personally.

You just have to keep going.

When you look at me, you probably see a guy who has it all.

But really, there's a large part of me that's immature and under-developed.

Especially when it comes to women.

Every girl I liked growing up rejected me.

And because of that, I've grown into a man who's chronically nervous around women.

I'm an emotional midget.

Now, if someone came to me with this problem, I'd suggest immersion therapy, where you overwhelm yourself with your fear in order to overcome it.

So tonight, to inspire you, I'm going to attempt to overcome my fear of the opposite sex by dating not one, but ten women at the same time.

Wish me luck.

I needed to get ten women to agree to date me, so I thought it would be easy to start with someone I work with.

So...

You know how I'm doing the thing on the show where I'm dating, like, ten women at the same time?

Yeah.

Are you in a relationship right now?

Yes.

Okay.

Um...

So--sorry, never mind. I was stupid to ask.

It didn't work, and I knew from experience that women just wouldn't stop and talk to me without an excuse.

So I found one.

Excuse me, would you like to try our new blueberry-raspberry smoothie?

Come on, just one?

Would you like to try one of our new raspberry-blueberry smoothies?

Uh, I'm just kidding, actually.

I don't work here. My name's Nathan.

I'm just doing this as a way to break the ice and show my personality.

Oh.

I'm just trying to meet people and--

No.

I'm just drinking my own smoothie that I bought from here.

But I like drinking my smoothie out of little cups on a tray.

That's how I like to drink my smoothie.

Okay, well I think I'm allowed to drink my smoothie wherever I want.

You need to move this.

Hey!

You need to move this.

You cannot touch my tray, that is crazy.

The smoothie thing was too gimmicky anyways, and it felt the same way when I used a cute dog.

Do you like my dog?

Yeah.

Say hi.

Hi.

But just when I was ready to quit, it hit me.

I had a major girl magnet at my disposal that I was totally ignoring.

A television crew.

It was a crazy idea, but maybe women would date me just for the opportunity to be on tv.

I had my solution.

I was going to create a fake reality show in which ten women would vie for the heart of one man.

Me.

It would be called the hunk.

It took weeks to prepare as we sorted through the countless submissions from women to my online ad.

Oh, I like her.

But pretty soon we selected the ten women I would need, hired a host, and rented a mansion.

No one knew my show was fake, not even the host.

And it was about to begin.

I'm anthony napoli.

Tonight, ten women will gather in this house to vie for the heart of one man.

Will they find love? Will they find their soul mate?

I'm anthony napoli. This is the hunk.
[romantic music]



Hi.

You ready, Nathan?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

A little bit nervous?

Um, kinda, yeah.

Well, it's time to meet the women.

Where--what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna stand here, and I'm gonna introduce you to all the women.

Could you maybe, um, be inside for that?

I'll have--

Just because you're very handsome compared to me.

I understand that, Nathan--

Could you be inside?

I'll have to be here.

If you're next to me, they're gonna love you more than--

Nathan, you're the hunk, I'm the host.

Women must love you, right?

Eh...

Yes?

I guess they do.

How many women have you slept with?

Eh...

Not that many.

Have you ever had a threesome?

I have, yes.

Okay, so--yeah, go inside, please.

Would you--you would like me to step inside?

Yeah. You can't be out here at all.

No, that's all right.

Okay, can you go inside?

Sure.

Okay. Thank you.

I realized too late that hiring a handsome host was a bad idea.

But even with tony in the house, when the women arrived, I got super-nervous.

Hi, I'm emily. Nice to meet you.

Oh, Nathan. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah.

So exciting.

Yeah. It is, huh?

[laughs] Yeah.

Yeah.

[sighs] This is fun.

Yeah.

[laughs]

Yeah.

Totally, um...

Um...

It was so nice to meet you.

Yeah, okay.

Thanks.

Um, do you want to go-- we could talk more after.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, just--

All right, cool.

For the first bit, just saying hi.

Yeah.

Even though I was nervous at first--

I love a man in a good suit.

Oh, okay.

Mm-hm.

That's nice.

As I met more and more of the women, I found my confidence growing.

We have snacks inside and stuff, too.

We eat pretty good.

Awesome.

This was all so cool, 'cause it was just like the bachelor.

I really like guys who have black hair and white skin.

It's, like, my--

You don't like, uh--

Blonds?

Like black guys, or--

[laughs] Um, I just--

Well, we'll talk more inside.

Okay.

I had never had this much attention in my life, and the only thing I had to do to attract them was to create a fake show.

The logic didn't really make sense to me, but it was working, and I was gonna take advantage of this to try to get over my nervousness around women.

[acoustic guitar]



Ladies...

I'm your host, anthony napoli.

Now is your chance to mingle and get to know your hunk, Nathan.

[murmuring] Are you gonna go up there?

Where you gonna be?

You want me to leave again?

Yeah.

Maybe go into the room?

You're kidding me, right?

No.

You want me to leave the room again?

Yeah.

Up here?

Sure.

All right.

[door closes]

All right.

[all giggling]

Let's get this party started, huh?

[pop]

[all scream]

Yes! Oh!

Ohh.

All: Ohh...

[indistinct chatter]

What did you guys think of the host?

He was saying he had a threesome--he was saying.

What?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, with two guys.

With two guys?

Yeah.

I'm, like, "okay, thanks for telling me that.

I don't really want to know."

[chuckles]

Yeah.

I mean--

So weird.

I was having fun dating all the women.

But I began to find it hard to tell if they really liked me or had other motivations for being here.

Well, I'm working on my album right now.

My christian music album.

Okay.

Yeah.

Can I hear a song or...

♪ people make it seem ♪

♪ that everyone is cool ♪

♪ with being alone my album is coming out this year, so...

My name is l.A.

My album is gonna be called l.A.X.

And it's gonna be coming out this year.

My twitter is @la--

And I was soon reminded that most of these girls were just here to be on tv.

So I tried my best to find out how these women truly felt about me.

Do you like me?

Yeah.

Um, do you love me?

[laughing] Oh, god! I can't--that's such--

How can I tell the first--

Uh, love, I need to learn the person first of course.

Yeah.

I mean, I'd hate to eliminate you so soon.

So maybe I should ask again.

Oh, do I love you?

Yeah.

I love you.

But you do?

I do.

I like him. He's a really nice person.

But, yeah, I love him, so...

But as the night went on, I realized it didn't matter why they were here.

We were both getting what we wanted.

I got to work through my nervousness around women--

Sorry, I'm kind of shaking.

Don't be nervous.

[laughs] Don't be nervous, that's so cute.

[laughs]

And they got to be on tv.

I would love to have everyone introduced to kangen water.

This water is one of the best waters out there.

It has a ph of 9.5.

I'd never been that good of a flirt, but I had the opportunity to practice with so many beautiful girls.

You have beautiful eyes and beautiful lips, and lovely hair, and your style is...

Wonderful.

Oh...Thanks, nate.

[awkward laugh]

So tell me your deepest, darkest secret.

My deepest, darkest secret is...

I don't like wearing socks.

That's great.

But as the night progressed...

Oh, cool.

Magic.

My flirting skills drastically improved.

Do you ride motorcycles? I mean--

I don't ride a motorcycle, but I am a bit of a bad boy.

But what happened next I would have never expected.

I like motorcycles, actually. Do you ride motorcycles?

I don't ride a motorcycle, but I am a bit of a bad boy.

Oh, okay.

That might be just-- I mean, we've only been talking for a few minutes.

We might be moving just a little bit fast for me.

I just prefer to take things a little slower.

Mm, no.

It's still too soon.

We need to take things slow. We just met.

It's okay.

In that moment, everything changed.

I wasn't ready to move as quick as she was, but I finally knew what it was like to have a woman come to me.

I realized I didn't have to do crazy stunts to get women to like me, I just had to be myself...

Inside a $5,000-per-night mansion with a tv crew filming me.

But for a guy like me, who's gone through an entire lifetime of rejection, knowing that I was desirable was all I needed to no longer be nervous around women.

I had accomplished my goal.

So I gathered all the women to tell them that the show was over.

I have accomplished my goal, and that means unfortunately there's no longer a reason for this show, the hunk, to continue.

[whispering]

Are you serious?

[scoffs]

Question.

So you really-- you really--

Um, did you get your--

You got-- you got what you wanted from dating all the girls?

You got your fear met?

Um, I think--

I think it helped me overcome it, yes.

Why?

I'm just wondering.

But others were happy for me.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I had accomplished what I set out to do, but there was still one thing I had to make right.

Earlier, tony shared a personal story with me.

Have you ever had a threesome?

I have, yes.

And I accidentally told it to some of the women.

He was saying he had a threesome with two guys.

With two guys?

Yeah.

And now I wanted to apologize.

I'm realizing now, perhaps it was wrong to bring up tony's personal experience he had in the comfort of his own home with two men.

[overlapping chatter]

I already heard the story.

Yeah. Yeah, the threesome.

Him with two guys?

Yeah.

Oh, but not with two guys.

Well, was it one guy, one girl?

Or was it two girls?

Nah.

Why is that important?

Exactly. That's not important.

And even if he did, it's his own business.

Yeah, we don't care.

Yeah, we don't care.

Yeah.

It's all good.

So I apologize for that, and I don't want to have any hard feelings--

No hard feelings.

Between us.

Yeah, all right.

All right.

Your fears are all gone?

He's a great guy. He really is.

From what you know of.

Oh, you're not?

No, I'm a great guy.

Why'd you say, "from what you know of"?

Well, from what you know of me.

Yeah, but I just called you a great guy.

Why are you arguing against that?

Are you a good guy?

As the women were leaving, I felt confident in myself, knowing that if I ever wanted to find love--

Thank you.

I could just create a fake reality show all over again.

[blows]

[airplane buzzing]
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