02x02 - Souvenir Shop / Elaiff

[bunniefuu]

My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.

Now, I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners to make it in this competitive world.

This is Nathan for you.

Over 10 million tourists visit Hollywood each year, And souvenir shops compete hard to sell them items that most would consider embarrassing to own.

But in the souvenir game, location is everything.

And that's why, tucked away nearly five blocks from the Main Strip, L.A. Fame is struggling.

It's a sad tale, and with business this slow, Owner John Kim has a tough time finding things to boast about.

Recently, we had someone from of Mice & Men come in--

From the-- They're a rock band that's pretty popular right now.

But other than that, you know...

So I paid John a visit to see if I could help.

Why are you wearing a touk?

A touk? What--

This.

Oh.

What do you call it?

It's a beanie. So that's--

I'm from Canada. We call it a "touk."

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm just cold right now.

That's why I'm wearing it.

(chuckles)

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah.

My mission was to attract more tourists to L.A. Fame.

If you're visiting Hollywood, there's nothing more exciting than seeing the magic of the movies up close, so if John redesigned his storefront to make it look like a blockbuster movie was always being sh*t there, every tourist on the Strip would flock to L.A. Fame to see the action up close.

Then all I need to do is offer each tourist a part in the movie.

Their role?

A paying customer at a souvenir shop.

Okay. Okay.

Tourists get very excited...

Yeah. around celebrities and movie sets, so they wouldn't think rationally.

Yeah.

Once you have the crowd here, it becomes very easy to sell to them.

Yeah, maybe.

John was onboard, so to make L.A. Fame look as much like a real movie set as possible, I rented some lights and equipment and set them up outside of his shop.

Next, to make the movie truly exciting for tourists, I hired professional Johnny Depp impersonator Ronnie Rodriguez, who I hoped would convincingly pass for the real Johnny from a distance.

I also hired a worse Johnny Depp impersonator to act as a stand-in and make Ronnie look better by comparison.

With everything in place, the fake movie sh**t began.

Action.

As I pretended to direct, tourists slowly began to gather.

Cut.

Let's do another take of that.

That was really good, guys.

And excitement was building around our celebrity star.

Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah.

And once we gave them a tiny peek of Johnny...

Whoo-hoo, Johnny. they were putty in my hands, and it was time to sell some souvenirs.

Hi, everyone.

So as you can see, we're filming a movie here.

It's called The Web.

It's about a hacker, played by Johnny Depp, who has to hack into an asteroid to stop it from hitting the Earth.

Okay.

So this is a little bit unorthodox, but we need some extras to be in the scene.

I don't know-- Is that okay? Is anyone interested?

Right here.

(crowd calling out)

Really? Oh, wow.

With no shortage of volunteers, I had them brought to set one at a time to give them their direction.

Let me just explain to you what you have to do.

Okay.

Go into the store, buy an item, and then leave.

Okay, cool.

Okay, so, on action. Ready?

Yes.

Action.

You don't have to go so fast, sir.

You can slow down.

Okay.

It might not have been an Oscar-worthy performance...

$6.53.

But our first customer of the day left happy.

Thank you.

Okay, thank you.

Have a nice day.

I gave each extra some direction and let them run with it.

So I need you to go in there, pick out an item, buy it, and then leave.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, so I need you to go in there, buy something, then leave.

Okay.

Okay.

My plan was working beautifully, as tourists were buying items in a steady stream.

The scene was fake, but these sales were real, and customers were thrilled with their purchases.

Did you pay for that?

Yeah.

Okay, so it's yours then.

Oh.

But each transaction was just for a small amount, so I took John's place to show him how he could get customers to spend more.

Oh, hello, Officer Suzanne.

Hi.

How's the hacker investigation going?

Um-- Wait, what do you want me to say?

Oh, just say, "No leads yet."

Okay.

Go ahead.

Oh, no leads yet at all, so...

Okay.

Mm-mm.

Well, I have the stuff you asked me to put aside.

Mm-hmm.

That'll be $87, please.

Okay.

Here we are.

Oh, thank you.

You're very welcome.

(credit card machine beeping)

Are you actually, like, charging it to my card?

You're breaking character.

Okay.

Just say, "Thank you."

Thank you.

Okay, yes.

$87 in a single transaction was unprecedented for a souvenir shop, but I soon discovered I wasn't in the clear yet.

So you had a question about something or...

Yeah, I mean, I don't want this stuff, but--

Oh, do you want a refund?

Yeah.

I had anticipated that people might want their money back, so I came up with a plan that would hopefully make them reconsider.

This movie stars Johnny Depp.

Yeah.

I don't know if you knew, but he was watching the footage...

Yeah. on the monitor view, and he just thought you were, like, the most natural actress.

Have you acted before?

No, never.

You've never?

Mm-mm.

If you want, I might be able to get you in there to meet him.

Yeah, if he doesn't mind, I mean...

Yeah, I mean...

Okay.

Johnny?

Yes?

You decent?

Hey.

Johnny, this is Karter, the actress you just--

Hi.

Oh, hi.

How are you?

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

How you doing?

I'm good.

Wow, so...

I heard you did a good job on the scene.

Oh, thank you.

Are you a-- you're a fan of his, or...

Of course.

Oh, really?

Of course I am.

Pirates of the Caribbean, come on.

Really?

(chuckles)

Good.

Good, it's a--

Thank you very much.

Pleasure to meet you.

Do you want him to sign some stuff for you?

Like, in here?

Yeah.

I mean-- Oh, wait.

You did-- You wanted to return those?

Oh, really? Well--

If he signs them, we can't return them, so...

Yeah, well, if he signs one, can't you--

Can you, or no? No?

He usually likes to sign everything.

I can--

All right.

Let me see.

I can't say no to an autograph, I mean...

"To my favorite--" Rum should probably go in here.

It was a tense 15 minutes as Ronnie signed everything in her basket.

So when is this movie supposed to be coming out?

Um...

But in the end, she kept all her souvenirs and went home happy.

And as the day progressed, we got better and better at getting customers to make big purchases.

Your character is a customer who loves to spend money.

He's rich, and he loves to just buy souvenirs.

So that's your motivation.

Action.

And people seemed to be embracing their roles.

I'm gonna give myself an Oscar for being so rich.

How's that?

All right. (chuckles)

Over the course of the day, we sold a record number of souvenirs.

The total comes out to $170.92.

$170...

And even though the autographs may have been fake, the memories these regular folks took home that day would last a lifetime.

And at the end of the day, I wanted to see if John planned to keep using my sales method.

Is this something you might want to keep doing?

Um...

No, I mean--

Maybe. Maybe, yeah.

Maybe? So-- Okay.

Yeah.

That's good.

Unfortunately, Ronnie, the Johnny Depp impersonator, has limited availability outside of today.

Right.

So I found another impersonator that could replace him, perhaps, if you want to continue this.

Okay.

This is William.

He's a professional Bill Gates impersonator.

Okay.

Why don't you give him a little taste of Bill?

Yes, it's a pleasure to be here.

You know, when we started our computers, um, back in the '80s, it was huge.

And the business-- they were huge machines.

You know, we started-- I started in a garage.

Okay, I think that-- yeah, that's enough probably.

So, yeah, you do this for a living, right?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Yeah, well, I'll leave you guys to work out the details, I guess.

Okay.

You can take it from here.

But, yeah, great to meet you.

Great to meet you.

All right, see ya.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Um, I mean...

Well, I hope everybody buys Microsoft-- continues-- continue the business.

We can always use it, and we're so grateful that-- what we have accomplished.

Okay.

What you--

(uplifting music)

Um...

I assume this goes without saying, but in making this show, I ensure that every idea I present to a business I help is completely, 100% legal.

However, in the weeks since helping L.A. Fame, I discovered that certain elements of my marketing plan may have actually constituted fraud.

And that's not good.

When I finished up with John, I assumed my work with his business was done, but then our production began receiving several emails from souvenir shop customers asking when The Web, my fake movie, was coming out in theaters.

Not knowing how to respond to these emails, I met with retired California state judge the Honorable Anthony Filosa for some guidance.

It's fraud.

Theft, basically.

Theft and fraud?

Yes.

What you did was a criminal offense.

It can be punished by a misdemeanor or by a felony depending on the amount of money involved.

You're admitting to me that--

No, I didn't admit anything.

Well, you said that you did not intend to make a movie.

So how do I get out of this?

You have two options.

You could make an offer to refund the money.

That would be one way.

Or, of course, actually make the film.

So if The Web were a real movie, then I would be covered?

Yes. Yes.

Judge Filosa had given me a great way to b*at a fraud charge.

I'd edit the footage we sh*t at L.A. Fame into a movie, but this task proved to be difficult.

It was all just random scenes with customers, no story.

I knew this wouldn't hold up, so I spend the night writing a script that would weave the customer footage into a clear narrative.

To make it more compelling, I added a love story for my character and cast an actress to play my girlfriend, and later that week, we officially began production on The Web.

Have you ever done an on-camera kiss before, or...

I have, yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Have you?

What?

Have you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, cool.

It's not like we're kissing.

It's like our characters are kissing.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's, like, you know, it's not, like, a big deal or anything.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

After some actor-to-actor talk, We began the scene.

I love you so much, Richard.

I love you too, Allison.

Come here.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.

I know.

(whispering) I haven't done this before.

It's okay.

It was a bit of a rocky start as my nerves kept getting in the way.

And as the takes went on, I was having trouble staying in character because I was really enjoying the kisses.

But with time, our chemistry became very natural, and after calling Ronnie back to sh**t some additional scenes, I felt like we had enough to make a somewhat logical film.

So I returned to Judge Filosa and showed him the entire movie to see if we were in the clear.

So this is it?

It's a rough cut.

If this is your defense and it's in front of a jury, they'd laugh you out of the courtroom.

But this--

You said anything can be a movie.

No, but I--

I'm assuming a movie has to have some kind of a plot.

There's a plot.

What's the plot?

He would save the world through hacking.

Going into a store?

Judge Filosa's reaction was beginning to worry me, but then he offered a glimmer of hope.

If it was accepted by the showbiz community as a movie and won an award, then I-- the court would have to take that into consideration, wouldn't it?

He was right.

Winning an award was the perfect way to make my movie somewhat credible.

So I sent copies of The Web to several film festivals in the hope it would be accepted into competition.

But after getting nothing but rejection letters, it seems like I only had one option left: to start a film festival of my own.

So I came up with a name, logo, and entry form, and then submitted The Web in the short film category.

But an award from my festival would mean nothing without a respected name from the film industry involved, So I made some calls...

Personally, I am a huge fan of your work.

And was able to land the second unit script supervisor from the Oscar-winning movie Bonnie and Clyde to judge the film.

You know, I didn't see any continuity errors at all.

Thank you.

Is that what a script supervisor does?

All I needed now was at least one other film that The Web would have a chance of b*ating, and after a bit of searching, I found a contender-- a 90-second clip of nothing but a man farting.

(flatulence)

And with a venue secured, it was time for the festival to begin.

Turnout to my festival was slim, with only a few people from the neighborhood buying tickets, but the only thing that mattered was that our industry judge had arrived, and with Crayton in his seat, it was time to start the show.

Welcome to the first annual Eastern Los Angeles International Film Festival.

(scattered applause)

Today is the short film competition, And I'm excited to announce that judging our selection of shorts is industry legend Crayton Smith, who you might know from being the script supervisor on Bonnie and Clyde.

So you know if he picks a film as the winner, it's definitely a real film.

(scattered applause)

(whispering) Come here a second.

Oh.

Bonnie and Clyde, I was just the second unit, so...

Just second unit?

I had no credit or anything.

You're credited on imdb for Bonnie and Clyde.

Yeah, but on The Wild Bunch, my credit is on the screen and...

Oh, okay, sure.

So The Wild Bunch you'd rather me say?

Yeah, that's fine.

So Crayton just informed me that actually he was credited as a script supervisor on The Wild Bunch, but-- did work on Bonnie and Clyde, but was not credited.

(scattered applause)

Okay, first up, we have a sci-fi thriller called The Web.

Please enjoy.

(scattered applause)

(hip-hop music)

♪ Uh-huh, that's what's up ♪

♪ What it do, homegirl ♪

♪ Is we drinking or what ♪

♪ Yeah, break it off ♪

Coming in on weekends now, Kip?

I'm a hacker, Mel, not a slacker.

Cops are getting suspicious.

You should get your own office, stop using my back room.

Whatever, grandma.

All right, it's hacking time.

Thank you.

Have a good day.

Hey, boss, did you see this?

Microsoft's been putting microchips into asteroids to control them.

This can't be good.

You should tell Kip.

Right.

What are you up to, Mr. Gates?

(cell phone dings)

Crap, the cops are here.

Let me distract them while you figure this out.

Okay, cool.

Oh, hello, Officer Suzanne.

Hi.

How's the hacker investigation going?

Go ahead.

Oh, no leads yet at all, so...

Okay. That'll be $87, please.

(electronic trilling)

Danger.

Asteroid microchip malfunction.

Oh, no.

What have I done wrong?

I can't believe this.

I've worked so hard to get this computer project going.

This is unheard of.

What's going on?

It looks like there are asteroids on a straight trajectory towards Earth.

We'll all be dead in five minutes.

What are you talking about?

There's a microchip in there.

Can't you hack it?

I'll do my best.

Crap, I have a girlfriend.

Sorry I had to call you away from work.

This just might be our last chance to say good-bye before the asteroid hits.

Oh, no.

I love you so much, Richard.

I love you too, Allison.

Come here.

(saccharine flute and violin music)

♪ ♪

I hacked faster than I've ever hacked before.

When word of the asteroid got out, people were racing to get supplies.

Everyone wanted souvenirs so they could remember the Earth.

And people were sad.

Oh.

Angry mobs formed on the street.

(crowd calling out)

The odds of me stopping this asteroid were slim, but I had to try.

Asteroid access granted.

Trajectory has been reprogrammed.

I did it.

You saved the world, Kip.

♪ The time is now, start the day ♪

♪ Set the goal, get underway ♪

The Web went over as expected, and now it was time to seal my fate as the best film of the night.

Our next short is a documentary called Me Farting on Command.

(scattered applause)

(flatulence)

(flatulence continues)

(flatulence continues)

My hope was that the fart movie served its purpose, because now that the screening was over, it was up to our judge to pick the best short, and I nervously awaited his decision.

Okay, here you go.

All right.

Selected The Web.

I did.

All right.

Hand me this award...

All right.

For best short film.

Hand it to you now?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, uh, this--

You don't need a speech or anything, yeah.

Good.

Thank you.

I did it, and with the award in hand, we now had proof that my marketing plan for L.A. Fame was 100% legal.

My work here was done, but there was one more person I wanted to share the good news with.

I was so proud of my movie's success, and I couldn't wait to tell my costar, Jessee.

I don't know if you know, but the film we did actually won an award.

What?

Yeah.

What award?

Eastern Los Angeles International Film Festival.

All right, that's exciting.

It's exciting, yeah.

(laughs)

Pretty good.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyways, there was something I wanted to actually talk to you about.

When we did that-- the kissing scene that we did, and I told you I was in character, but that might have been a lie.

Well, that's okay.

I feel like there might have been some of me in there, and I guess I was wondering if when you did the kiss... how much of that was your character and how much of that was you?

Uh...

Meaning did I, like-- did I want to kiss you?

Me, Jessee?

Yeah.

Uh...

I mean, It wasn't a big deal, but I probably wouldn't grab you on the street and just kiss you out of nowhere.

Good to know, I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(somber music)

In that moment, I felt sorry for Jessee.

To share a kiss with another human and feel nothing is a horrible way to live.

As I drove home, I finally understood what it felt like to be a tourist, going somewhere with so much hope and leaving with nothing but a souvenir.

♪ ♪