02x04 - Liquor Store / Exterminator / Car Wash

[bunniefuu]

My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small-business owners make it in this competitive world.

(dramatic music)

This is Nathan for you.

Nabil Khalil is the owner of Bouquet Plaza Liquor in Santa Clarita, California, and every day, he deals with a problem that has vexed liquor store owners for years.

We always have teenager trying to come and buy alcohol.

We always refuse the sale.

As far as I'm concerned, no business should ever have to turn away a paying customer, so I paid Nabil a visit to help him out.

Every time you turn away a teenager who's trying to buy alcohol, you're losing a sale.

Yes, because that's what the law is.

Mm-hmm. So, from now on, you allow them to purchase it, but they just can't take it home until they're 21.

The main reason teenagers want booze is to look cool to their friends, so if Nabil let minors purchase alcohol, but then held it in a storage locker until their 21st birthday, Bouquet Plaza Liquor would gain a ton of new underage customers, who could then brag to their friends that they own booze.

The plan, increase business by selling alcohol to minors.

Could be possible, but when you get close to that age, definitely, you don't want a voucher that says, "Oh, yes, I own couple bottle of liquor,"

But where they are? So they want to have it.

Well, no offense, but, you know, I'm a bit closer to my teenage years than you are, so I think I know what youth these days want.

If they get the happiness of "Yes, I have it," that would be great.

With Nabil on board, I created some tags that would work like a coat check system for alcohol.

So minors could reclaim their booze from storage once they turn 21.

Next, I had to get the word out to young people, so I arranged a meeting with the chair of a local youth little league in the hopes of landing a sponsorship deal.

You seriously are talking about putting a banner that says, "We sell liquor to minors"?

These minors don't actually get to take home the alcohol till they're 21.

Well, I do understand it, but I'm not sure that I agree with tying that up to our little league.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

I don't know if this helps in any way, but we'd also be willing to offer a free bottle of gin to every kid in the league.

No, I'm sorry.

Thank you for your time, then.

Well, thank you for your offer.

Yeah.

I'm sure it'll work out.

Oh, no.

What?

What is this for?

This--

What is this for?

(muttering)

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no. Thank you very much, though.

Are you--

Let me show you out.

No, no, are you sure?

Yeah, yeah. We're done.

With sponsorship off the table, I needed a different way to reach the youth market, so I hired a teen actor to pose as a student to get the word spreading at a local high school.

So right off the bat, you know, before you talk about the liquor store or anything, you got to establish a rapport so the teens you're talking to think you're cool.

Okay.

So maybe talk about how school sucks, you know, or a bit about how the Internet's awesome or something. and throw in some swear words too.

So try that.

Hey, man, what's up?

Hey, dude, that Internet these days is so dope.

Man, school sucks, dude.

You can just go on the stinking Internet.

With Connor trained, I gave him a backwards hat and sunglasses so he would look cooler.

Then I sent him onto school property to begin spreading the word.

So how about that internet, man? What's up?

Oh, the teacher sucks, but the Internet rules, you know?

So, anyways, I got this cool tip.

There's this liquor store down the block.

It's called Bouquet Plaza liquor store, and it sells alcohol to minors.

Okay, I got to go back to skipping class.

With Connor working the school, I headed back to Bouquet Plaza, ready to receive our underage customers, and within minutes, they began to arrive.

Did you read the sign outside?

That's-- Did you--

That's real?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You can Go grab some if you want.

You want to go ahead and grab yourself some alcohol or something?

(laughs)

I mean, I guess so. (laughs)

Look what you got, huh?

Look at that.

40 ounce.

Oh, that's huge, buddy.

High life, awesome.

You're gonna start heavy, Don't you?

Yeah.

(laughter)

So you own this now.

Yeah, it's tight.

Pretty sweet. Ah, ah, not so close.

You get a claim check, so you're allowed to come back and claim it when you're 21.

Yeah, but-- (laughs)

I want it for right now. I don't want it two years later.

With no refunds allowed, the minors had no other option but to fill out the claim check, allowing them to own alcohol without the consequences of consuming it.

What you're doing is weak. That sucks.

It's cool and legal.

Breaking the law is never cool.

Seems like a waste of money to me.

My plan was working, and Nabil was now able to sell to a whole new type of customer.

Why did I even just pay for this?

Because you're allowed to own the alcohol.

Okay, well, I don't want to own the alcohol.

I want the alcohol.

Knowing that some teens wouldn't be satisfied leaving empty-handed, I had a corner of Nabil's store converted to look like a cool basement so minors could take photos with their alcohol, before it goes into storage, that would help them brag to their friends.

It felt great to make young people happy while teaching them about responsible drinking.

So after closing up for the night, it broke my heart that I had to give Nabil some terrible news.

I looked into it, and it turns out that what we were doing was extremely illegal, and you know, I got to look out for myself.

I'm sorry.

Good evening, sir.

Yes?

Are you the owner of this business?

Yes, sir. Hi.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to place you under arrest.

Why? What's going on, sir? How am I--

For doing good business!

(dance music)

(laughs)

♪

You're not in trouble at all, I was joking.

So really? It does work out?

Yeah, it's not illegal.

Okay.

I mean, he's not a real cop, he's a stripper, yeah.

That's okay.

But to bring a stripper to a businessman, it's not a really good idea, no.

Oh, you don't like it?

(music stops)

Not at all. Like, okay--

Well, it was a joke, you know, like, you thought he was a cop. You know?

That's what I'm saying, even if it's gonna be a joke, Nathan, to bring a businessman, bring him, like, stripper-- a guy stripper, it's not really gonna be the cool thing to have.

All right.

Javier Arteaga is an exterminator and the manager of Bugs "A" to "Z," a pest-control company based out of Woodland Hills, California, and he's desperate to expand his business beyond the residential homes he normally services.

It'd be great if, I mean, we land any kind of hotel work.

Javier wanted a contract with a major hotel, and I had the perfect method to win him that deal.

Rather than making it look like the hotel has an exterminator visiting, why don't you instead make it look like the hotel is winning an award?

Right.

Every hotel's greatest fear is having to hire an exterminator, because their arrival is basically an announcement that the hotel has pests, so if Javier could disguise his purpose to make it look like he's there to give the hotel an award, he'd not only delight guests, but surely win a contract with the hotel that wants to keep their pest problem a secret.

Now, how--I mean, do I show up with--

I mean, I just-- I-I--as far as, I mean--

If customers see you coming in, they're actually gonna be like, "Oh, this hotel is really good," you know, rather than seeing an exterminator and being like, "Oh, this hotel is not so good."

(laughs) You've done this before.

You know, you're a business major.

I mean, what's the worst that's gonna happen?

Javier was on board with the concept.

So, to sell this to a hotel, I needed to show them exactly how the system would work, so I had one of Javier's service vans rewrapped to look like a delivery vehicle for the Hotel Excellence Awards, a very prestigious organization that I made up.

Then Javier and I worked to develop a discreet method for exterminating every room in a hotel.

Like, some sort of secret...

A compartment or or an opening.

Compartment that opens up.

With the system now in place, I got permission from the historic Mayfair Hotel to sh**t a demonstration video of our method that we could then present to their management.

It begins by arriving in our covert vehicle, then removing what looks like a large trophy that's being awarded to the hotel.

This serves a dual purpose of both getting our equipment inside, and impressing guests, as they see that they're currently residing in the hotel with the least amount of bedbugs.

With the least bedbugs?

Yeah.

So it's a possibility of some being there.

We're just delivering the award, we don't know.

Oh, okay.

Then, we make our way into the private back offices where we can safely remove all our gear without anyone seeing.

Once that's done, we convert our awards table into a custom-designed maid cart, and I change my outfit to look natural pushing it.

The hollowed-out interior then allows Javier to travel from room to room without drawing any suspicion from hotel guests.

(beeps)

You okay in there?

Yeah.

When we get to an infested room, the cart blocks the doorway and Javier is able to sneak out without anyone seeing.

A quick handoff of the vacuum then gets our equipment inside, and Javier can get to work spraying down the pest-ridden areas.

Although we didn't find any in this hotel, Javier told me he often encounters mattresses that get so infested with bedbugs they have to be thrown out.

So I also wanted to show the hotel manager that we had a method to secretly dispose of one without guests thinking anything fishy was going on, and since the Mayfair catered to a lot of Asian clientele, the perfect cover was obvious.

In the guise of an impromptu celebration, we were able to take a mattress straight through the lobby, and once outside, all it took was a quick identity changeover to keep everything looking normal to onlookers.

Then, in the blink of an eye, we're gone, without anyone ever knowing the hotel had a problem with pests.

So later that week, I was hopeful our sales video would be enough to win over the Mayfair manager, Mike Schoeffin.

Underneath that dragon is our mattress that was covered with bedbugs, infested with bedbugs.

And you can see we've been developing a new method of spraying the public areas using a blind man's cane.

So to guests, it just looks like, "Oh, there's a blind man stumbling around the lobby."

Right.

So that's what we're about.

And once our sales video was done, it was time to seal the deal.

Let's get your signature on that contract.

I'm not gonna make a decision right this minute.

Mike didn't seem to want to do business with Bugs "A" to "Z," so I excused Javier to speak with Mike one-on-one.

Hey, so it's clear you don't want to give a deal to us today, right?

Not without comparing all the numbers, no.

You know, I have a TV show, and on the show, we like to have happy endings, so would you be able to sign this contract just for the cameras?

Uh, if it's just for the cameras, as long as it's not binding.

Great, here you go, just sign here and-- just for the cameras.

There you go.

All right, so we have a deal then.

We have a deal in the TV show--

Oh, no, but in the contract, it said that "I understand that when Nathan asks, 'Will you sign this contract for the camera?' I understand that that's code for 'Will you sign the contract in real life.'"

Oh.

You can see.

Mm-hmm.

That clause right there.

Right.

The contract was presented to me under false pretenses.

Trust me, this is a good call, so you shouldn't feel bad about this.

No, you tricked me, and it's--

It's not a trick.

No, it is a trick.

No, it's not a trick.

And I don't appreciate it.

Everything was in the contract.

I don't appreciate it.

I did it, and I couldn't wait to share the good news with Javier.

Yeah. All right. Happy, right?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Rub-a-dub-dub, splish, splash, suck, suck, and... (imitates buffer whirring)

These are just some of the sounds you'd hear if you paid a visit to Los Feliz car wash in Atwater Village, California.

But one sound you won't hear that often is "Cha-ching."

Amir Lankarani is the owner here, and he admits that lately, business has been tough.

Occasionally, can be very much so struggle.

But for a man whose business is cleaning, I was surprised by how filthy his office was, and it made me wonder if this was part of a sophisticated strategy.

Do you keep your office this dirty to make a point to your customers that you only care about cleaning cars?

Yes, rather than trying to clean my office, I put my emphasis in cleaning their car.

So this is all intentional.

Yes.

I mean, I've seen clutter, but you go all out.

Well, I do my best.

Yeah, I mean, you have a full-size toilet bowl under your desk.

Well, the reason behind it is, we bought it for our--

What is it? One of the bathrooms, haven't had the chance to replace it yet.

You don't use that toilet?

Not here, no.

No?

No.

Amir clearly had a unique approach for marketing his car wash, and that meant I had an idea that he was gonna love.

Los Feliz car wash is uniquely situated in a neighborhood with very few birds, so if Amir could somehow attract more birds to specific trees that overhang the streets nearby, demand for his services would surely go up.

The plan, more birds equals more business.

Birds?

I mean, there's nothing wrong with putting a bird in a tree.

That's true.

What they do after that is their own choice.

That's right.

So, if they do that on a car, it benefits you, But--

More dirty cars, more dollar signs coming inside the register.

You're right.

Amir was into the idea, so the first step was finding the right tree to host the birds.

Directly across the street from the car wash was the perfect branch that hung over traffic.

This is where I needed them to be.

Since I know birds love bird seed, I sprinkled some along the branch and all over the tree in the hopes of attracting them, but surprisingly, after a day, no birds had come.

So I emptied out a couple of tuna cans and packed them with earth worms and soil then taped those to the branches, thinking that this would be a more appealing treat.

I even put tiny scarecrows in other trees in the area that I didn't want the birds to go in, but again, no birds showed up, and I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life helping this car wash.

So I arranged for a bird wrangler to come and physically put pigeons up on the branch, but frustratingly, they weren't pooing enough to make the impact I needed, so I talked to the bird wrangler to see if she had any other ideas.

Chickens or peacocks, they-- they poop pretty good.

(laughs)

Don't you think chickens would maybe look a bit strange in the tree though?

Maybe?

No, chickens roost in trees.

So it wouldn't really stand out as being that weird?

No, uh-uhh.

Okay.

I trust your instincts, then.

Yeah.

Taking Carol's advice, we added some chickens to the tree, which she said had to go more regularly, and it helped, but the dropping size just wasn't big enough to persuade people into getting their cars washed, so we arranged to have a peacock added to the mix that can drop loads 50% larger than the chickens.

And with that, I felt like I had everything I needed to get things started.

So I posted a sign at the car wash advertising a new special.

Now I wanted to show Amir the birds in the tree.

Wow. (laughs)

That's great.

Yeah.

I mean, it just looks-- Mother Nature, doesn't it?

So people are driving under, they're dropping all over cars, and then where are they gonna go?

Right there across the street.

Yeah.

Makes--you know, makes... common sense, doesn't it?

Now I needed to figure out a way to get cars to stop so the birds would have enough time to do their business.

Sir, sorry. Sorry, I dropped my contact lens over here, so I'm just looking for it.

Yeah, I don't-- I'm worried you might drive over it.

Yeah.

Um, I don't know where.

Oh. There's a lot of birds today.

Sorry, there's a car wash down the street, they can do a really good job of taking it off.

If you want, there's a coupon.

My plan was finally paying off.

You got chickens up in that tree.

The droppings were actually encouraging drivers to pay a visit to the car wash.

As the day progressed...

Do you know how to get to the Hollywood sign from here?

Nature was taking its course, and even though I took a brutal splash in the mouth...

(sputtering)

I'd do it again in an instant if it meant bringing in one more customer to that car wash.

So at the end of the day, I met up with Amir to see if he was happy with my results.a So how do you feel about everything today?

Beautiful. Seems like the idea is working a little bit, at least I saw a few cars with the bird poo-poo.

Poop, yeah. Now, just so you know, I bought all of the pigeons and the chickens for you, so you can go and put them up yourself if you choose.

Okay.

Now, I know this might be a bit of an awkward subject to broach, but I know you have an "employee of the month" program here.

Yes, we do.

You know, I obviously showed you today that I did a good job, and so I was wondering if you would consider me for that.

For the employee of the month?

Yeah.

Sure.

Okay, thanks.

You're quite welcome.

Now, do you normally do a ceremony or something?

We normally just present them with a $25 gift certificate.

Okay, it maybe is a bit low for what I did.

Is it possible to up it to $200?

Sure.

Great, thank you so much, that's...

My pleasure. such an honor, I mean--

Okay. You're quite welcome.

"Welcome to our employee-of-the-month meeting ceremony. This honor goes to the person who has shown the most commitment to the company this month, the person who has worked the hardest, and who is just the best person in general. This month-- This month, it goes to Nathan."

Me?

Yes, you, Nathan.

Oh, my God, really?

Yes.

Oh, my God. I'm so surprised.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

Thank you very much.

I'm so honored, Uh...

(light applause)

Oh, thank you.

"And there's your $200 cash prize..."

Bonus.

Your $200 cash bonus.

Thank you so much. Oh, my God.

(light applause)

(mumbling indistinctly)

Oh, okay.

(light applause)

Thank you.

"Now, if you can all form a line, "Then Nathan will walk past you, "and you can pat him on the back."

Okay, it's a bit embarrassing, (laughs) Right.

Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, wow.

All right, see you, I guess, or see you later.

Okay.