03x06 - Hotel / Travel Agent

[bunniefuu]

My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades. Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.

This is "Nathan for You."

If you're a traveling businessman visiting Pomona, California, chances are you'll stay at the iconic Hilltop Hotel. But recently, hotel manager Kenny Pang has been eager to attract a new type of clientele: families on vacation.

The hotel would like to, you know, get more families to come in because when they-- when they come in, they will stay a lot longer than the other guests.

But as far as I'm concerned, if you want to attract families, you have to cater to the needs of the parents. So I paid Kenny a visit with a way to help.

When couples stay alone in a hotel, if their relationship's going well, they'll usually have sex, right?

[laughs]

That's common sense.

Yeah. But when families travel together, I imagine it's incredibly frustrating for the parents because they're unable to engage in sexual intercourse because their kids are there.

[laughing] You know what?

I never, ever really pay attention to this matter.

But...it's out there.

Right now, the reason why parents don't want to have sex while on vacation is because their children will see and hear them, leading to permanent developmental damage which can never be repaired. But if the Hilltop Hotel could offer a portable soundproof box that completely isolates the child from his parents' carnal acts, they'd quickly become the top hotel choice for sexually active parents traveling with their children. The plan:

Then, it would still be inside...the room.

Is that what you're saying?

Oh, sorry.

You know, the best part is kids wouldn't see this as some prison they're forced into.

It would be a fun isolation box that kids of all ages would enjoy.

Um...

If you put it that way, theoretically, maybe.

Kenny was beginning to see the potential of my idea and even had some suggestions of his own.

Every single thing that kids would love could go into that box.

I mean, you know, little flashlights, you know, little stars to, you know, go off at night.

But before committing to anything, he wanted to see a working prototype. So I got to work constructing our first isolation chamber that would be large enough to house a child up to 16 years of age. But since the most important part was the soundproofing, we layered the inside walls with 6 inches of rock wool batting and then added a cork-lined inner chamber with a pressurized seal that would eliminate vibrations. Because the box had to be airtight, I also installed a self-contained breathing system that would pump oxygen in while scrubbing out the CO2 so the child wouldn't suffocate. And as a final precaution, I created a rainforest soundscape to play inside the box with custom animal calls that would hopefully camouflage any sex noises that happened to get through.

Ooh-ooh-ee-ee-ah-ahh....

[grunting] Ruh-ruh-ah...

Oooooooh...

With every precaution taken and the box now decorated to make it exciting for kids, it seemed like our prototype was complete. But I knew that if even one sex noise happened to get through to the inside, the Hilltop could be liable for traumatizing an innocent child. So after setting up the box in one of their suites, I hired two p*rn performers to help me test it out under real-life circumstances.

Do you normally start, like, kissing a little bit, and then it gets more and more or--

It kind of depends on the scene.

I mean, usually, like, sometimes, there's kissing.

Sometimes, it just goes straight to blowjob.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

While Tony and Holly got ready in the bathroom, I brought in our test subject...

Hey.

Hi.

How's it going? I'm Nathan. Nice to meet you.

An eight-year-old child actor named Bradley.

What the heck?

Pretty cool fort, huh?

Yeah.

Bradley loved the box. And after helping him in and showing him how to alert me in case of an emergency...

[alarm beeps]

You see? That light?

I sealed him inside the chamber... making sure there was no way he could get out on his own and ruin his innocence. Even though Bradley's parents were fully aware of what was about to happen, they still insisted on being present during the test.

So I just want to be clear with you guys.

Because this is a test, I'm gonna have the performers go at each other pretty hard.

Okay.

Okay.

And with that, I brought Jurgen and Marie into the room so we could begin.

Are you guys ready?

Yeah.

Okay. Whenever you're ready.

Oh, we're ready.

[murmurs]

[both murmuring]

[kissing sounds]

I love you so much, Marie.

Touch me where I like it, Jurgen.

I gave them your names to make it more realistic.

Okay.

Watch and learn, hon. [laughs]

[moaning] Oh...

Oh, you like it when I beg for that [bleep], don't you, Jurgen?

[moans] Ah!

After a few minutes, the real Jurgen and Marie decided to leave the room.

There's an alert button.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. I'll take care of him.

Okay. Thanks.

See you, guys.

With Jurgen and Marie gone, I was left to monitor the rest of the test on my own.

[yelling] Oh! Oh!

[loud moaning]

Oh, God, Jurgen!

[both moaning]

[rainforest sounds playing]

Once I observed the couple had climaxed, I knew it wasn't gonna get any louder, so I had them finish up and brought in something comfortable for them to put on. And with Holly and Tony out of the room, it's time to see if my box had worked.

So what was it like being in outer space?

Fun.

Did you...hear anything?

Animal noises.

Animal noises?

Nothing besides that?

No.

Nothing?

Nothing.

My box had passed an initial test. But with a child's mental health on the line, I needed to make sure it held up under even the most extreme circumstances. So to put it through the ultimate stress test, I arranged for an additional five performers to join Tony and Holly for a seven-person orgy.

So these are some of my friends here.

Just wanna say hi?

all: Hi.

Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

Okay.

You know the drill, right?

Yeah.

Blast off.

[loud moaning, groaning]

It was clear that if my box could withstand this, it would hold up in any situation a hotel client might get into. So after the 30-minute group session concluded, I followed up one more time with Bradley.

So, uh...how was that?

Awesome.

Did you hear anything strange this time?

No.

Nothing?

Nothing.

It worked. The box was completely soundproof. And that meant I could finally return to Kenny with undeniable proof that the product was ready to be offered to his guests.

Oh, is that--

[laughs] Wow.

It looks like a space shuttle.

Oh, God, Jurgen!

[both moaning loudly]

So, as you can see, we tested it out in every possible scenario...

Mm-hmm.

From a couple making love to a seven-person group engagement, and there was a child in there the entire time...

Mm-hmm.

Who didn't hear anything.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Wow. Um...

Mm...

So I guess we'll leave the box in the lobby, and just let me know if you want to order any more.

Um... Thank you for the offer, but-- You don't have to worry about it--it's my gift to you.

We'll just leave it in the lobby.

Uh...all right.

Leave it in the lobby, then.

Yeah.

[light music]

♪

In making this show, I'm constantly on the road, driving from location to location.

I try to use the time as best I can by catching up on the royalty-free music tracks I'm thinking of using in my show.

♪ Hot summer nights after the sun went down ♪
♪ Dreaming of a life outside my little town ♪

But because the traffic is so terrible in Southern California, I often find myself stuck in total gridlock, 'causing me huge delays to wherever I'm going, and in my line of work, being late is not an option.

So I recently developed a solution that allows me to be on time no matter how bad traffic gets.

Whenever I'm on the road, I make sure to have two interns follow me on a motorcycle.

Then, the second I hit any traffic, I give them a signal out my window to approach the side of the car.

This is where a switch occurs, as my unpaid intern takes my spot in the car while I quickly mount the back of the motorcycle.

And because it's legal to split lanes in California, I'm able to speed through the gridlock and get to where I'm going without any delay whatsoever, leaving my unpaid intern to wait in traffic and eventually deliver my car to my destination.

But the more I use the system, the more I notice that others around me looked envious of my ability to avoid traffic, and that's when I realized I might've accidentally stumbled onto a major business opportunity.

If I could arrange for hundreds of motorcyclists throughout the city to be on-call to fetch gridlocked drivers at a moment's notice, I'd be able to help everyone avoid traffic, and my gridlock rescue concept could become a national hit.

But to do this would take some work, so we'll check back with this in a bit.

But first...

Rose Ilandrian is a travel agent and the owner of Glendale, California's Travelure By Rose.

But in this internet age, she's seen her longstanding business crippled by modern technology.

All of a sudden, internet came and everybody's--they're going directly to the internet.

And because of this, her customers have dwindled to the last holdouts of the information age-- the oldest of the old. So I paid Rose a visit with a really good solution. You see, pretty soon, Rose's customers will be so old that the only travel they'll be interested in planning is their trip into the ground.

[thud]

Oh, no!

So if Rose were to capitalize on her giant rolodex of elders by helping them book their funerals, she'd open up a whole new stream of revenue from coffin sales and grave plots. The plan: for Rose to transition her travel agency into a full-service funeral home.

What are you talking?

I mean, even you acknowledged the business is gonna die.

Yes.

Travel agents aren't gonna be around much longer.

My opinion.

Your opinion?

Yes.

So this is a last-ditch effort to squeeze out as much as you can from your customers before they're gone for good.

Hmm.

Rose seemed interested in the prospect of making money from her dying customers. But since neither of us knew how the funeral business actually operated, I booked us an appointment at one of the area's most popular funeral homes. Not wanting to tip off that we were a new competitor looking for trade secrets, I convinced Rose to pose as my dying wife whose funeral we were looking to plan before she bites the dust.

Okay. Show me how you're gonna act in there.

What do you want?

I mean, like this...

Yeah. That's realistic kind of sick.

It's almost dead--okay.

Good.

But I'm a very strong lady.

Yeah, you're strong in real life, but for this, you're pretending to be sick.

Okay.

So we headed into our meeting with funeral director Breanna Gallagher to find out everything we could about their business model.

Sadly, uh, my wife, Rose, has come down with Klein's and she's on her way out, so we're trying to make arrangements for the day.

Sure.

So whatever, you know, options you have and can run through kind of everything you offer, that would be really helpful for us to make our decision.

Absolutely.

With the funeral director buying our story, she walked me through all their products and services, and I was sure to take note of everything.

And can I ask, uh, who your distributor is for these?

Aurora. We use Aurora caskets.

Aurora?

Yes.

My plan was working to get Rose the information she needed, but I was surprised to learn that the business was trending away from caskets altogether.

Cremation is on the rise right now.

It was clear that if Rose wanted to compete, she'd need to be able to offer cremation to her customers. But when I looked online, I discovered that cremation furnaces were ridiculously expensive, and the only ovens that seemed to be in her price range were ones that cooked pizzas. But before suggesting this to Rose, I needed to be sure it could incinerate a body. So I contacted a local pizzeria and asked if I could do a test in one of their ovens. Obviously, I couldn't use a real cadaver, so I structured a makeshift body out of dough and filled the insides with pork bones and whatever stuff I could to make the anatomy as close to human as possible. And once it was done, we wrapped it up and headed over to Burbank Pizzeria to see if their oven would burn it to a crisp.

I was told it was just a calzone you were gonna cook.

I wasn't sure that this was gonna be this big of a deal with clothing and cloth and leather and hair and stuff like that, so...

Okay, but if we take off the clothing, then it's okay?

I think it would be best if you want to cook it.

After a brief negotiation, George allowed me to continue as long as we put him in naked.

[cheerful music]

So once all the clothes were removed, George and I delicately loaded the body into the 650-degree oven, and then all there was left to do was wait.

Are you, uh, are you married?

Yup.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Are you married?

No. No.

I'm gonna get me some water.

After 1 1/2 hours, George had to open up his shop. So he made me take out the body before it was fully burnt, but he seemed confident that this would work.

A few more hours, would it all just burn to a crisp?

Yup.

Would that work the same for a human body too?

Well, anything in that heat eventually will burn, yeah.

With the success of my scientific experiment, I now knew that Rose would be able to offer cremations on a budget. So I dressed up her waiting area with marketing materials that would showcase all the new services that were available. And with that, it was time to see if Rose could convince customers to plan their funerals with Travelure.

I'd like to go again to Las Vegas, Nevada.

After handling the customer's travel needs, I then had Rose bring up the new service.

And we sell, sorry I'm telling you this one, funeral packages.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

All right. Yeah.

If you are ready or you have the plans... like, we prepare all these packages.

Um... I don't have plans in that area right now, though, but yeah. It's good to know, yeah.

I need to know just in case.

Yes.

Whenever you need that, just let me know.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Sure. Sure.

But unfortunately, the customer wasn't interested. And after that, Rose started having second thoughts.

It has to come from my heart.

I have to like what I'm doing.

So it's not quite for you?

I can do it, but, again, it's not from my heart.

You know, it's funny.

All this talk about funerals and stuff has really gotten me thinking a lot about my own mortality, you know what I mean?

Yes.

It makes you realize that at the end of the day, it's not about how much money you make or...how many girls you've slept with.

It's about the little moments that are nice.

Very nice.

Like this.

Yeah. This is one. This moment is very good.

Good luck with everything, Rose.

Thank you, too, Nathan.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Good-bye.

Earlier, you saw me come up with an idea to rescue people from gridlock.

But to see if this would work as an actual service, I'd first need to recruit motorcyclists that were interested in being riders.

Knowing that bikers have a pack mentality, I thought I'd have the best chance of gaining their interest if they thought I was one of them.

[wolf whistle]

So I headed to a local biker bar with the goal of recruiting couples who ride together to take part in my service.

And after spending some time doing my best to blend in...

[groans] Ugh.

My life.

I met a biker couple named Sean and Laura who seemed interested in my idea.

I'm working on a business opportunity, and I'm looking for couples that know how to ride.

So the next day, I brought them into my office to see if they'd be right for the job.

To launch this, you know, I'm looking for strong couples because, you know, if I hire you guys and you break up, you're kind of useless to me.

Right.

So I should ask.

Are there any issues in the relationship at all?

I think we're pretty solid.

I mean, I'm not-- I'm not looking to go see anybody else, so...

Not really.

Okay.

If I hire you, and God forbid, you guys do break up, how quickly do you think you'd be able to get into a new relationship?

[laughs] That's a-- That's--[stammers]

I wouldn't be able to answer that.

Sometimes it's been years.

Sometimes it's been the next day, you know?

It's--

The next day?

I have done it in a day.

I've done two in a day. [laughing]

What does that mean?

Um...

Yeah.

What does that mean?

I had too much fun in one day with two different women.

Like, a threesome?

No. It was separate.

In the same--same day, at the same party, but no, not together.

So you had sex with one woman, then another right after?

Pretty much.

Okay.

So if this relationship ends, you'll find someone pretty quick.

Sure.

Okay.

I mean, you guys seem great.

With Laura and Sean on board, I was one step closer to my gridlock rescue service becoming a reality. But before launching this, I needed to see if there was interest from actual commuters. So I sent Sean and Laura out into rush hour traffic to see if the public would embrace my idea.

Roll down your window.

How you doing today?

We're offering a service.

My girlfriend would be more than happy to drive your car to wherever you're going.

You can get on the back of the bike, and we'll get you there a whole lot quicker.

All right.

I was surprised that people weren't receptive to my idea.

Just tell me where you want to go.

We'll take you.

I-I know you don't want to do it, but please don't disrespect me while I'm talking to you.

Hop on the bike!

All right.

Go.

And in that moment, for the first time, I finally realized the fatal flaw in my concept. In this post-Pearl Harbor world, people don't trust their fellow man the way they once did.

People are just so scared and afraid of the unknown that once they shut their mind off, it's really hard to open it up.

Exactly.

It was a sad conclusion to what I thought was a revolutionary idea. But at least we could celebrate that we gave it our all as a team.

What are you guys doing later tonight?

Well, I'm taking her out to get something to eat.

Oh. Where are you guys gonna go?

I don't know yet. Maybe fish.

Fish?

Crab.

Oh. Sounds good.

Would you like to-- me to come too?

We could all have a--

No. I think we're good.

Okay. You guys-- it's like just for you guys?

Yeah.

No. I'm taking my lady out.

I...don't really need any company with me.

Okay. Sure. I mean, I wouldn't want to be a third wheel, you know?

That's what it would be, so...

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Well, it's great working with you guys.

Nice working with you, too.

Yes.

In the end, Sean and Laura weren't that different from everyone else-- too afraid of the unknown to let a stranger inside. But, brother, I'll tell you one thing. I'd rather be trusting than late.

♪ Hot summer nights after the sun went down ♪
♪ Dreaming of a life outside my little town ♪

Abso...lutely.

Highway blues.

I'm sorry to hear that.

It's okay.

We've all been there.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[deep inhale]

Life alone on the road.