01x07 - Fire in the Hole

[bunniefuu]

There's a k*ller on the loose, and I'm sittin' here waitin' for this decomposed hand to lead me to him.

[screeching]

[Both grunting]

Ruby!

[Screeching continues]

Ash: All roads to destroying this evil lead right back to where it all began.

The cabin.

Then let's go back there and end it all.

You can't go with me.

I've put your lives in too much danger already.

Ash?

Lem?

Lem: I'm really gettin' my life together.

You can join the militia.

Where's your camp?

Fisher: I got him.

Don't do anything till I get there.

State police!

[Fisher grunting] [Ash groaning]

[Growling]

[Screaming] [panting]

[Screams]

Come with us.

Where to?

To fight.

Let's boogie.

[Birds chirping] [eerie music playing]

[Grunts]

You know I still don't know how I feel about you guys comin' to the cabin.

I guess if you're dead set on it...

Dead set?

Uh, let's say "live" set.

Keep it upbeat.

Exactly.

We're not, "Leavin' a trail of blood and guts behind us," we're, "Keeping Michigan moist."

We're comin' to this cabin with you.

We're basically family now.

I know. That's the problem.

Everyone I have feelings for dies there, but you're adults.

We'll go see Lem, get some big boy toys, Go to the cabin.

Good.

'Cause anything's better than this.

Don't worry, Annie Oakley, you'll get your g*n.

[Kelly laughs]

I want a flamethrower.

[Pablo chuckling] I'm serious!

I lost my parents, got possessed.

Flamethrower seems fair.

Yeah, well. You are pretty fiery.

Okay, listen.

Some friendly advice, these militia types are a little twitchy.

Oh, I know these kind of people.

Paranoid rednecks who hit the woods to play Rambo for the weekend.

Okay now, easy.

We don't want another Ruby Ridge on our hands.

So, just tuck that attitude right into your cleavage, which I definitely have not ever noticed before.

[Speaking softly] Wow.

[Man groaning] [bird's wings flapping]

Help.

[gasping] Help!

Someone!

Someone.

Someone.

Holy sh*t!

[Gasping continues]

[Ash grunts] He's here.

Who, who's here? Him.

He tore the whole place apart.

Fisher: Okay, you're in shock, we need to stop the blood flow.

[Man groans] [Fisher gasps]

Please.

Just k*ll me.

Easy, pal. We're not gonna k*ll anybody.

Get you all fixed up.

Okay, first things first...

Crosby: Get away from him!

What?

He's one of those things, isn't he?!

He's one of those things!

[Suspenseful music playing]

So... who the f*ck are you guys, and why are you roaming around my camp?

Uh, first off, apologies.

[Chuckles] I guess we caught you guys at something of an inconvenient time.

We're just lookin' for Lem.

He said he could help us out.

You know Lem?

Oh, I know Lem.

Yeah, he's a good friend of mine.

I just saw him at the diner, he invited us here.

I've met you before.

Where you from?

Me? Nowhere near here.

[Banging] f*ck!

[Deadite groaning] Where is he?

f*ck!

Man: The roof!

He's back!

Ah, who's "he"?

Lem.

Lem Lem?

He got back to the camp, about an hour ago.

At first I thought he was drinking again, but then he started, tearing people apart.

Oh, boy.

Austin: His eyes were all white and crazy.

Looked like a f*ckin' monster.

Oh, of course he did.

[Banging, scampering]

Delmont: Keep your weapons trained on the roof!

We gotta get the hell out of here.

Okay.

I wouldn't be roamin' around anywhere if I were you.

What the hell do you know?!

Let me dumb it down for ya.

What's out there knows that you're alive, and it wants you to be... un-alive.

[Banging continues] [Crosby gasps]

I know exactly what we're dealing with.

Big Brother put a virus in our air supply.

Turned Lem into some sort of... mummy!

Well, that's a new one.

Yeah, yeah, but we were ready for it.

Were ya, okay. Wow.

You guys are survivalists.

Here's how you survive.

Give us our weapons back, and get the f*ck out of our way.

[Scampering] LEM: I'm gonna get you!

Oh, why don't you come out, you motherfuckin' piece of sh*t?!

Come on, I'll k*ll you myself!

Probably not the best idea, Kel.

[Scampering stops]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

That's how I know you.

You was at the lockup when

I was tossed in a few years ago!

She's a cop!

So who the f*ck are you guys really, huh?

[Speaking softly] You the government?

You were the last people to see Lem.

What are you, huh?

Checkin' in to see if your little experiment worked?

What did you do to him? You tell me!

What did you do to Lem?!

Back off.

Man 2: Watch your six! Watch your six!

[eerie music playing] [wind howling]

I would stay away from there if I were you.

No looking for your input, tough guy.

[Insects buzzing]

See?

It's per... [Lem growling]

[Lance screamin]

Lance!

Lance!

No, you m*therf*cker! [Yelling at once]

We need to get the f*ck out of here!

[b*ll*ts whizzing] [Ash yells]

You ain't goin' nowhere.

[Fisher and Ash grunting]

Crosby: Enjoy!

Maybe your old friend Lem will find you down there.

[door slamming, locking]

[Groaning]

Fisher: What was that?

Ash: You know what that was.

There's two more we gotta get!

Let's load up and go!

Let's move it out! [Radio squawking]

[Whispers] sh*t.

Man 3: Yeah!

We got to figure out a way to get them out of there.

[Brakes squealing]

Man 4: Over there! Come on.

I see 'em, I see 'em! Let's move.

sh*t.

Let's go.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Whoa, watch it.

Hold on, I'm tryin' somethin' here.

[buzzing]

Hey.

[Ash laughing]

It works!

You think there's another exit door?

Ah, no, but I'll say "yes" just to keep hope alive.

Let's check it out. [Fisher groaning]

Oh, a week ago, I was havin' a burger with my partner, and now... everything is upside down.

Ah, took me a long time to get my head around it too, but you're seein' the world as it really is.

So, that's good.

Doesn't feel good.

Oh, most people go through life thinkin' they're totally safe.

People like us, who know the truth.

Life is hard and dangerous, and sometimes you just gotta chop off somebody's head to survive.

[laughs] I guess.

I guess that's true.

But hey, this ain't so bad.

Get to spend some quality time, like you've been dreamin' about.

You think this is the right time for hitting on me?

[laughing] There's no bad time.

I'm old school, baby.

Oh, you're old somethin'.

[Banging] [Fisher gasps]

Hey, I'm sorry I misread you.

The woman I was with, she told me that, she thought that you were the one makin' those... those things.

Who's this woman?

Her name was Ruby.

[Wind howling]

She was a lot like you actually.

She spent her whole life fightin' those freaks... but it finally caught up to her.

Just a normal person, got tangled up into somethin' that was so much bigger...

[eerie music playing]

Somethin' beyond her control.

I will always be thankful she was honest with me.

She taught me there is more out there, than any of us realize.

[Lem growling] [banging]

What was that?

[Thumping] [Fisher gasps]

[Suspenseful music playing] [growling]

Man 5: Dangerous, orders on sight!

[radio squawking]

[Men yelling at once]

[Whispers] f*ck.

We'll be okay.

[Shouting orders] Go, go!

[Pipes creaking]

Hello, Ash... [Fisher gasps]

[In deep voice] Good to see ya again.

Wish I could say the same, Lem.

You never wanted to drink with me, Ash.

You said I was a bad drunk, that I liked the firewater.

Ah, that's before I knew it was r*cist.

[Speaking softly] That was a long time ago.

Well, maybe you'll drink with me now.

What the hell was that? Ah, no big deal.

Just a little kerosene.

Hey Lem, don't, don't... Cheers!

Oh!

Jesus.

[Lem growling]

I'm coming to get you!

Where did you go?

How'd you pick "flamethrower" so easily?

[Whispering] What?

Earlier, you said you wanted a flamethrower.

Just like that.

Man, it's like you know exactly who you are.

Are you havin' a melt down?

What?

No.

Um, it's just... who am I?

Who are you?

Ah, you are... a good friend, Someone who makes more...

What, no.

What I'm asking is, like, am I like an "axe" guy, or somebody who uses a crossbow?

Maybe I'm a "Taser" kinda guy, or I don't know.

A rusty chain?

You know I used a g*n at the diner, felt kinda small.

You know what?

I'm glad that bein' trapped in the woods, hunted by an insane militia, made you ask the big life questions.

[Pablo laughing]

Yeah, me too.

[Engine revving]

[radio squawking]

Shh, shh, shh.

I wish I had my rusty chain, yo.

[Truck door closes]

No.

[Speaking softly] Keep tryin'.

Damn.

Lem: Ash...

[growling, roaring] [Fisher panting]

Ash!

Meet you by the creek.

Look they separated.

Delmont: Austin!

That's good, that's good.

Hey Austin.

Hey, all we need is one g*n.

[Growls]

Lem: f*ck!

Ash!

The more you hide, the more I'll make you suffer!

So go on, and hide!

[wind howling]

[Kelly gasps] [Austin laughs]

I got one!

sh*t!

[Both panting]

[Grunts]

Come on, come on. No, please.

[Kelly gasping] Come on, come here.

Help, gotcha!

[Austin grunting] [Kelly yells]

[laughing] Yes.

[Suspenseful music playing]

Nice try.

[Buzzing]

[Engine starting]

[Tires screeching]

Get in the back. [Kelly groaning]

[Both grunting]

I'm gonna get you pregnant later.

Won't your sister be jealous of us?

[Austin chuckling] [Kelly spits]

Mm.

Uncle Sam will never outsmart a couple'a deep woods Michigan boys.

We're not with Uncle Sam, you f*ckin' knob!

We're on the same side.

Save your lies, Hillary.

Pablo: Hey, you f*cking moron.

[Lance cheering]

This has nothin' to do with the government.

There is something evil out there!

Oh, I know all about the evil out there.

It's not the government!

Lance?

[Growling] It's me!

[Yelling] Oh my God!

[Hissing] [gasping]

sh*t!

What the f*ck?

[Both grunting]

sh*t!

Pablo!

[Kelly gasping] [grunting continues]

Pablo, do something!

Pablo!

[Kelly gasping]

We're out of time!

Pablo, go!

Pablo! [Yelling]

[Lance and Kelly groaning]

Hang on! sh*t!

f*ck!

Here we go!

[Kelly yelling]

One! [Lance roaring]

Two!

Three!

[Lance and Kelly grunt] [screeching]

[Both panting]

Hey, nice drivin'.

Oh, thanks.

So, maybe I'm a "pick-up truck" kinda guy?

[laughing] Yeah, maybe.

Oh.

Oh, hello handsome.

Okay.

So what's the plan?

You're gonna get that guy's gas mask.

We're gonna ambush these hicks, and save Ash.

Um, uh, that mask?

Well yeah, it's the only one around.

Uh... do you really think I need one?

In order for this plan to work, yeah, 'cause you need to be in disguise.

Look, I'll clean the blood off with my shirt, okay?

Yeah, no, no. I-I got this.

[Sighing] I got this.

Hey.

Pssh, he gone.

All right, just pull it off. Come on.

Look, it's a process, okay?

I'm getting there.

Jeez, you know I-I've been through a lot.

[Suspenseful music playing]

[Lance growling]

Oh, sh*t! f*ck, Kelly!

Oh my...

Oh, k*ll him now!

[Pablo and Kelly yelling]

[Yelling]

Pablo!

Ah!

Duck!

Oh sh*t! Don't sh**t me please!

It's not my fault! [Pablo shrieking]

Whose fault is it?!

It's the g*n's fault!

[Shrieking continues]

These things are dangerous!

[Pablo and Kelly screaming]

[Lance roaring]

Ha!

[Gasping] Oh, sh*t!

[Pablo grunting]

Pablo!

[Pablo shrieks]

You're good to grab that mask now.

[Suspenseful music playing]

[Lem roaring]

[Growling]

Ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, you see what I see?

[Panting] Oh, daylight.

[Ash laughing]

Crap.

sh*t.

Wait a minute. Propane.

We'll just blow the assh*le up.

No we won't.

I've got an idea, but you're gonna have to follow my lead.

I like a lady who takes charge.

Help!

Help!

That's your idea?!

Trust me.

[Chain rattling]

Lem, I can't take it! Help me!

Help me, please!

[growling]

Ash! I'm coming to get you!

[Snarling]

What happened?

Where the hell is everybody?

Right here, assh*le.

Man 6: What, oh!

[man groans] [trigger clicks]

One false move, and I will Second Amendment your brains all over this truck.

[Eerie music playing]

[Lem growling]

[Chuckling]

Friends.

[laughing]

Let's party.

[Lem grunting]

[Both grunting]

My brain!

[both grunting]

Good news, Lem.

You won't even know it's gone.

[Roaring]

[Fisher gasping] Diesel.

Oh, sh*t.

[Roaring continues]

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

Strike!

[All grunting]

Ruff! [Fisher giggles]

[Lem and Ash grunting] [yelling]

[Lem snarling]

No!

sh*t's about to get real!

[Groaning]

[Fisher and Lem grunting]

[Fisher yells, panting]

Safety last!

[Ash grunting]

[Ash laughing]

Well, that was fun. [Fisher chuckling]

We should get handcuffed together more often.

You wouldn't even know what to do with me.

Oh honey bunny, I would destroy you in the best possible way.

Oh...

You know I was gonna take that propane, and blow the doors off, but I'll happily blow your doors off first.

Really?

[Romantic music playing]

Pablo: Ash! [Door opening]

Fisher! [Fisher laughing]

Kelly: Are you alive in there?

Rain check.

Oh.

[Man grunts]

Man 7: sh*t!

Looks like you guys already went shoppin' for the good stuff.

Yeah. f*ck a flamethrower.

This guy has got girth.

Oh, yeah.

I think I found my own boomstick.

[Pablo laughing] [Kelly gasps]

Jesus, Pablo. [Shattering]

sh*t!

My bad.

Ah, yeah. You know what?

I think a g*n might be better.

Looks good on you.

Save those cuffs, baby, we'll use 'em later.

It never turns off with you, does it?

Baby cakes, I don't know how to turn it off.

[Clamoring] Help, help!

Jesus f*ckin' mother...

Help! Help us!

Help!

Help!

[Austin growling] Help, help!

[triumphant music playing]

See?

In this w*r everybody's on the same side.

Hey, go ahead and cut yourself free.

I'd get as far away from here as possible.

So, ah, we hittin' this cabin or what?

'Cause I'm ready to kick some ass.

Yeah, me too.

I feel like we're ready for anything.

Hey.

Just so you know, each of you has a very special place in my heart.

Good job stayin' alive.

Keep it up.

Amen.

Aww, someone inhaled too much kerosene.

[laughter]

Now come on, we've got some Deadites to mow down!

[sighs]

So ah, where's this big, bad cabin at anyway, Ash?

Ash?

Where'd he go?

Ash?

Hello?

Jefe?