02x08 - Ashy Slashy

[bunniefuu]

Ahh!

You had the nightmare again.

Who are you?

I'm Doctor Peacock.

Your psychiatrist, remember?

I don't have a shrink.

I've been your doctor ever since your psychotic break.

My what?

[laughs, screams]

Meet Ashy Slashy.

Let's rid ourselves of the Necronomicon, Ash.

[screams]

I didn't do this!

You're a m*rder*r.

No! [grunts]

Think it's time that we tried a new tactic.

Rid yourself of the book, and the nightmare will be over.

[voice echoing] k*ll the book, Ash.

[laughing maniacally]

[electricity zapping]

k*ll the book.

[grunts]

I think I'm losing my mind.

Doctor Peacock/Baal: You're mine now.

You know what you have to do, don't you?

I must destroy the book.

Pablo's voice: Jefe?

[growling]

♪♪♪

[thunder rumbling, lightning crashing]

All right, if we actually do find him, no one can tell him it was because of that stupid pet tracker.

[beeping]

He'll never let us forget it.

Come on guys, let's go save the world.

Can I get a Ghost Beaters!

[Pablo grunts]

[Pablo sighs]

[suspenseful music playing]

Well, good thing this place isn't creepy at all.

[growling]

[eerie music playing]

What is it?

Nothing.

I thought I saw something.

You okay?

No, I'm not.

I got a really bad feeling about this.

Really, because I haven't had a good feeling since we met Ash, and his stupid book.

That's exactly it.

The Book of the Dead never lets anybody off easy.

It's like Ash said, everyone around him gets... dead.

And now I am the book, and I can never be okay with myself if something bad...

Hey.

Where'd my powerful vag*na go?

Huh? [chuckles]

Pablo, it's going to be a piece of cake, all right?

We'll find Ash, you'll take out that Goth demon.

And then back to Jacksonville.

Mmm, maybe not Jacksonville.

But listen, you take care of this, I'll even make sure Ash gets the first round.

[scoffs] Yeah, right.

We're going to be okay.

Trust me.

[faint growling]

No, trust me.

We are not going to be okay if we underestimate Baal.

All right? Let's go.

I did what you said.

He bought it. All of it!

Now, please... just... let Lacey go.

Sheriff Emery: I brought Linda and Lacey here like you wanted, Baal.

Now come on, you got to keep your end of the deal.

But keeping my end of the deal is, so boring.

It's more fun to change things up at the last minute.

Keeps everyone on their toes.

This is your fault, Thomas!

Sheriff Emery: No, no, no, he said he would protect us!

All I had to do was get you here!

No.

Looks like someone's sleeping on the couch tonight.

[lightning crashing]

[chuckling]

[screams echoing]

Ruby: I'll take this end.

[creaking]

[Kelly gasping]

Don't sh**t.

It's me, Sheriff Emery.

You think knowing who you are makes me want to sh**t you any less?

Shh, shh, shh.

[speaking softly] You shouldn't be here.

Kelly: Tell us where Ash is.

Now!

[shivering] I didn't do it.

Any of it.

It was Baal.

He messed with my head.

Lacey: Daddy?

Is that you?

Sweetheart?

Pablo: Lacey?

[g*n cocking]

Are you... okay?

Uh yeah, I'm okay.

I mean... I could be better, if my father didn't bring me here.

Because I have to say, dying, totally sucks!

[both grunting]

No!

f*ck!

[Pablo yelling]

Pablo!

[both grunting]

Now honey, we can fix this!

[stapler pounding]

[both yelling]

[shrieking]

Pablo!

Kelly: I can't get a sh*t!

[Lacey laughing maniacally]

Huh?!

[yelling, grunting]

Get out of here!

[yelling]

Watch out!

[Pablo yells]

[Lacey shrieks]

Look, Daddy! A unicorn!

[static crackling]

Magic is real!

Abracadabra.

No!

[g*nshots]

sh*t!

[shrieking]

Lacey!

Are you okay?

I'm good!

Find Ash!

Pablo: Ash? Ruby?

[grunting]

Ahh!

[clattering]

Deadite Lacey: Daddy?

Lacey.

[clattering continues]

Daddy.

Lacey?

[speaking softly] What's happening to me?

I don't know.

It's going to be okay.

Promise?

Kelly: Get out of the way, Sheriff.

[g*n cocking]

Dad, Daddy, she wants to hurt me.

That's not your daughter anymore, Sheriff.

She's still in there.

I can save her.

No, you can't.

[speaking softly] I've been there.

Now I know, that we've had our differences, but I need you to trust me, and get out of the way.

[sobbing] Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh.

Daddy... I love you.

I just want us to be a family again.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

The only thing you sucked at more than being the sheriff, was being a father.

[bones cracking]

[Sheriff Emery grunting]

No!

[shrieking]

[suspenseful music playing]

[laughs] Oh, look!

He does have a backbone after all!

[laughing]

[grunting]

Tag! You're it!

[g*nshots]

[Kelly yelling]

Damn it!

[eerie music playing]

[banging]

Deadite Lacey: Kelly.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

[creaking]

[fire hose unraveling]

[Kelly gasping]

Tag! You're dead!

[both screaming]

[spraying]

[both grunting]

[shrieking]

[bangs]

You're it.

[g*nshots]

[shrieking]

[lightning crashing]

[g*nshots in distance]

[gasps]

I'm sorry, Lacey.

Sorry you got caught up in this bullshit.

And I'm sorry that your father was a self-serving son of a bitch.

You were a good kid.

I'm also sorry I'm now totally alone in this creepy ass place.

Yay me.

[eerie music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

Linda: Lacey?

[laughing in distance]

Where are you, baby?

Lacey?

Please answer me.

[laughing continues]

Baby? [grunting]

Ah, oh.

Wh-what?

[sighing]

[eerie music playing]

Thomas?

[gasps]

[eerie music playing]

[scraping]

[scraping continues]

[chainsaw buzzing]

[squeaking in distance]

Jefe?

[inhales]

[suspenseful music playing]

[heavy breathing, grunting]

[mumbling] Oh, f*ck.

Man's voice: Santo padre usted lo ve todo.

[gasping]

Pablo.

Um...

I got a feeling whatever power this pendant has to hold back the book isn't going to last.

I'm with you now.

[creaking]

[g*n cocking]

[suspenseful music playing]

[chirping]

Oh, this is Baal's work for sure.

He knows we're here.

We got to get to Ash before Baal scrambles his peanut brain.

sh*t. [grunting]

What is it?

This is going to happen whether we like it or not, isn't it?

Look, we're going to find Baal.

You're going to harness the power of that Book against him, and none of this is going to be in vain.

And you promise me that we're all going to live happily ever after?

Even if this goes perfectly, there's a good chance you'll die.

Wow.

Ruby, I know you're new to this whole mortal thing, but in our world, where people don't live forever, the idea of dying really sucks.

Well, I was just trying to be honest.

But all right, you go on thinking about all the sweet things you're going to do, if you survive or not, I'll find a way out of here.

I do have this one idea for a Honduran food truck, that also fixes electronics.

Pablito's Fish and Chips.

Like computer chips.

You get it?

No. That's awful. What else you got?

[eerie music playing]

Oh good, another pitch black hallway.

[sighs]

Place is a maze.

[suspenseful music]

[faint breathing]

[sighs]

[indistinct whispering]

Kelly: Ash?

[suspenseful music playing]

Amanda: He's not here.

But he's here.

And he won't get out.

No, matter, what, I, do!

Get it?

Yeah, yeah, sure I do.

Uh, hey, I'm looking for a friend.

He's, uh, tall, dumb, smells like... bread.

Um, oh yeah, chainsaw arm.

Probably should've, led with that one, but...

♪ Ashy Slashy, heaven and hell ♪

Okay, so you know him.

I know I'm not Kelly.

No, I'm-I'm Kelly.

Then Ash is looking for you.

Okay, good. Where is he?

Maybe he's in his room with his... friend.

All right, now we're getting somewhere.

Where is his room?

[cackling]

Quick question.

What do you think Baal's been doing to Ash this entire time he's been missing?

Oh, he wants to break him.

Bend him to his will.

He wants Ash to destroy the Book, and k*ll anyone who tries to stop...

But... I am the book.

[chainsaw buzzing]

[suspenseful music playing]

Jefe!

Run!

Ah!

[lightning crashing]

[lightning crashing loudly]

[light music playing]

Okay, I've seen some seriously disturbing stuff recently, but you... are adorable.

Hey, little Ash.

You know where Ash is, hmm?

[eerie music playing]

[Amanda screaming]

[Amanda cackling]

See you later, buddy.

[slamming, locking]

Oh, come on!

sh*t!

Ashy Slashy: Kelly...

[skittering]

[sloshing]

No.

[eerie music playing]

[whispering] What the f*ck?

[growling echoing]

Lacey?

[heavy breathing] Baby?

Oh.

[growling continues]

Linda: It's Mommy.

Lacey?

Is that you, baby?

[screaming, cackling]

Ashy Slashy's got Kelly!

Won't be long now!

What?

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

[Pablo breathing heavily]

I think we lost him.

I don't think so.

[eerie music playing]

[splashing]

Is he... peeing?

[thuds]

That's not pee, is it?

Nope.

[buzzing, scraping]

Jefe, listen, this isn't you.

Pablo: It's Baal.

He's controlling your mind, all right?

You got to show him you're stronger than that, Jefe.

Come on! You can do it!

[buzzing continues]

[Pablo yells]

No, no, no. [laughs]

No f*cking way.

Ashy Slashy: Aww, don't sweat it, sweet cheeks, you're safe with me.

[skittering]

[yells]

Peek-a-boo!

[whispering] What the f*ck?

Wanna play?

No.

Ah, why am I talking to a Muppet?

[gasps] Muppet?!

Uh, well, you're awfully judgmental for a...

Hey!

[choking] What?

For a what?

What were you going to say, you little motherfuck?

Sack up. What were you going to say?

Wow, check out the potty mouth on you.

You really are... filthy.

And fine.

Yeah, heard that one before, pervert.

Girl, you're the one with your hand all up in my puppet pooper.

You want me to, return the favor?

[Ashy Slashy biting]

[Kelly grunting]

Oh, sh*t!

Uh, wait! Wait! I-I can tell you where Ash is!

Where?

[snarling]

Got you!

[crunching, grunts]

f*ck!

Whoa, whoa, oh!

[Ashy Slashy laughing maniacally]

[Kelly grunting]

Oh! Kinky.

Wish I had my fluffy cuffs.

[both yelling]

Oh!

Ah!

[eerie music playing]

[panting]

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Uh...

[snarling, chomping]

Ow!

Uh, get... off!

[growling, laughing maniacally]

Ahh!

[growling, chomping continues]

You filth... f*ck!

[growling, chomping]

[Kelly grunting]

[Kelly yelling]

[chomping, growling]

Don't be so pissed. Some people pay good money for this sort of thing, you know?

[Ashy Slashy chomping]

[Kelly yelling]

[gurgling]

Ah, somebody... oh, likes it... rough!

[both grunting]

Safe word, safe word!

[chuckling] I'm sorry I'm going to have to k*ll you, but I think we've both learned a lot today.

[Kelly grunting]

[Ashy Slashy gagging]

Yeah.

Always bring a g*n to a puppet fight.

[g*nsh*t]

[splattering]

[heavy breathing]

[both panting]

Here!

[Pablo grunts]

Haven't we been down this way before?

Why would he lead us this way?

Because it's a damned dead end.

[eerie music playing]

[chainsaw buzzing]

Can't let Ash get you before we find Baal.

Get in.

[Pablo grunting]

Kelly: The hell am I doing?

I'm just-just taking orders from everyone else.

Oh, and look where that got me.

Locked in a room, talking to a... dead, perverted puppet.

[Kelly gasping]

Kelly?

What-what are you doing here?

[both grunt]

[both grunt]

Damn!

What the f*ck was that for?!

Ah.

I'm sorry, I just had to make sure you weren't Baal.

And that works?

Yes?

[sighs] What are you doing here?

I'm with Pablo and Ruby, and-and we're looking for Ash.

You?

I'm looking for my family.

I found Thomas and... well, what was left of him, but...

I haven't found, Lacey yet.

Have you-have you seen her?

No.

Linda, come with me.

We finally, have a way to stop Baal.

And after that...

I'll help you find your daughter.

[sighs]

[speaking softly] Okay.

[eerie music playing]

[chainsaw buzzing]

[whispering] He's at the dead end.

I'm going to pin him there, you make a run for it.

[whispering] What? No, I-I can't, no.

Pablo, you know what has to be done.

You find Baal, say the incantation, send him back.

I know what has to be done, I just don't know if I'm the one to do it.

You can do it. You have to.

All those fish and chips customers are depending on it.

I knew you cared.

You can keep pretending like you don't, but each day you spend as a mortal, you become a little bit more human.

It suits you.

That's creepy talk.

Let's go.

[chainsaw buzzing faintly]

[thudding]

Wait.

[eerie music playing]

[dripping]

[Pablo gasping]

[chainsaw buzzing loudly]

[Pablo yelling]

[buzzing continues]

[gasping]

[splattering]

Oh!

Having a heart to heart?

[Ruby grunts]

[Ash grunts]

No, don't!

Pablo, you are our only hope.

I cannot let anything happen to you, but it's over for Ash now.

No, it's not!

Ash would never give up on me, and I'm not giving up on him, all right?

[banging, scraping outside]

Ash?

Ash, I know the real you is in there.

You're the guy who worked at Value Stop with me, and, uh, we used to watch Monday Night Raw together.

Look, the point is, that we're a team, Jefe.

We're a team.

[g*n cocking]

Pablo, get back!

[suspenseful music playing]

[Pablo grunting]

Pablo!

[slams, locks]

Pablo!

[Pablo yelling]

Don't sh**t me!

Pablo.

[Pablo wailing]

[eerie music playing]

She's dead, isn't she?

What?

Don't.

Linda...

Just... tell me the truth.

[Kelly exhales deeply]

I'm sorry.

[gasping, breathing heavily]

I know this moment.

After this, nothing will be the same again.

You will never be the same again.

It can sink you lower than you thought possible, or it can ignite a fire inside of you.

[cocking]

I know why you didn't tell me.

You didn't think I could handle it.

You didn't think I was strong enough.

That's the same mistake people have been making about me my entire life.

And it's the last mistake that f*cking demon is ever going to make.

You're damn right it is.

[Pablo wailing]

[both gasping]

Pablo.

[chainsaw rumbling]

Kelly. No!

What the hell happened to you?

Linda, you guys got to go!

Get out of here now! Go!

Why?

Because I'm going to k*ll you.

[Linda gasps]

I'm going to k*ll all of you, and put an end to this nightmare.

[whispers] Ash?

That's not Ash.

Baal is controlling his mind.

Linda: Ash, no!

Uh, it's me, Linda.

You know I'm real.

You don't want to do this.

What I want is to destroy my delusions.

Isn't that right, Doctor Peacock?

[lightning crashing]

[growling]

You m*therf*cker! What did you do to him?!

[bones cracking]

[Linda and Kelly yelling]

[Kelly and Linda grunting]

He can help you as much as your husband can.

Such a weak mind.

Not like Ash, he took some real effort, and it's finally paying off.

Baal: So tell me, Ash.

You ready to destroy your delusions for good?

[buzzing]

Linda: Oh no, uh, oh, no!

No, Ash, you-you can't do this!

We mean something to each other!

I know you feel that, too!

Ash: It's all in the past now, and so are you!

No!

No, really, you're good Ash! No!

[grunts]

[chainsaw turns off]

[heavy breathing]

Baal: Ash, what are you doing?

k*ll them!

Sorry Bill.

You played right into my hand.

What?

[Ash laughing]

See my friends here thought I couldn't get you and the Book in the same room.

Whoopsie, looks like my plan worked.

What?

What?

[g*nshots]

[Baal grunts]

[g*nshots continue]

[grunting]

What do you mean, your "plan?"

No, you-you remember, don't you? Back at the house. That's a pet tracker.

All I got to do is find Baal once, I shove this down his throat.

Ash: We get Pablo right up close, he does his voodoo, and well, the rest will just fall into place.

[g*nshots]

[grunting]

That was it?

That was your entire plan?

Don't thank me yet.

We still got to send this hairy ballsack back to hell.

[suspenseful music playing]

[growling]

Little buddy.

Do your magic.

[lightning crashing]

[clattering]

[chanting in Sumerian]

[air whooshing]

Ah!

[laughs]

[g*n clicks]

Crab apples.

[chuckling]

[both grunting]

[gasping]

[hissing]

Guess I'm not the only one who underestimated you.

Apology accepted.

[lightning crashing]

[exhales deeply]

Jefe, bring him to me.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Baal grunting, snarling]

[squealing]

[chanting in Sumerian]

[grunting]

[chanting in Sumerian continues]

[chanting in Sumerian]

[grunting, squealing]

[roaring]

[chanting continues]

[shattering]

[Pablo chanting in Sumerian]

[wailing]

[electricity buzzing]

[chanting continues]

[yelling]

[Baal squealing]

[gasping, chanting continues]

[squishing]

[chanting in Sumerian]

[Baal roaring]

[all yelling]

[Pablo continues chanting]

[Baal squealing]

[yelling in Sumerian]

[rumbling]

[wailing]

[splattering]

[all gasping]

[Ash laughing]

Well sh*t fuzzy fire, and save the matches, you did it, Pablo!

There's not enough left of him to spread on toast.

You slayed that sh*t, Pablo.

[flesh ripping, slicing]

Oh!

No!

[Linda gasping]

[splattering]

[gasping]

[man vocalizing]

[man vocalizing]

[man vocalizing]

[woman vocalizing]

♪♪

[man vocalizing]

[man vocalizing]

♪♪