08x03 - Tang and a Safe Space for Everybody

- (knocking on door)

- TAMMY: Hey!

Come on in.

Bonnie's still getting dressed.

Whoa.

I feel like I just walked into an after-school special.

My very tall wife likes to keep the cereal up in the clouds.

- Well, let me help you with that.

- Thanks.

Which one were you reaching for?

You mean there's more than just one?

I've never seen exactly what's up there.

You got Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, some sort of Raisin Bran...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Honey Nut Cheerios?

She tried to convince me they stopped making those.

You know, this kitchen really isn't set up for you.

Yeah, after I burned my chin making eggs, I just gave up.

Hey, I'm thinking we could trick this place out like we did at the bar.

You know, lower the cabinets, get the appliances at the right height.

I don't know, you'd have to ask the building manager.

The building manager hasn't had coffee yet, so no.

Did you give him the good Cheerios?

You mean the ones you've been hiding from me?

Well, I wouldn't have to hide them if you didn't eat 'em all in one sitting.

You do know my entire life is one sitting?

I was just telling Adam this kitchen could be a lot more accessible for him.

I tried.

The owner won't pay for renovations.

- Well, I'm your friend.

I'll do it for cost.

- That'd be great.

Would that mean my kitchen would be torn up for weeks so I couldn't cook?

- Probably.

- That's fine.

Come on, we're gonna be late for the meeting.

Hey!

Whoa, where are you going with those?

Somewhere you can't get 'em.

I mean, the worst thing that happened to me was that success came so young.

You know, one minute we're just a bunch of lads playing music in Liam's mum's basement, and the next, we're on a tour bus with money and drugs and women falling over themselves to take a turn with me.

See, what they don't tell you is that the most addictive drug of all is fame.

Do you know who he is?

Not a clue, but I think he thinks we know who he is.

I mean, when I should've been enjoying my seat at life's great feast, I found myself in a hotel room alone, hiding in a closet with a bag of drugs, afraid to come out 'cause I was pretty sure there was a monster out there, or worse, someone who'd want to share my drugs.

I mean, I should've been dead, right?

But God had another plan for me.

Well, God and my managers, who staged an intervention.

Next up on the set list was my first meeting, and guess what.

The universe raised its lighter and brought old Roddy back for an encore.

No way.

It's Rod.

- Who's Rod?

- From the band Sachet.

Sachet?

He was in love with me for a serious chunk of .

There was a time when every woman in America wanted a taste of that.

Well, I was here then.

I don't think so.

(music playing over phone)

Is he wearing a strap-on piano?

It's called a keytar.

It was a real breakthrough in music, 'cause it allowed the keyboard player to dance.

It's weird that Sachet doesn't have a Wikipedia page.

I have a Wikipedia page.

Hang on, this is the best part.

See, most men can't prance like that and still be considered sexy.

I like those shoulder pads.

I tried 'em once and took out a wall sconce.

Looks like the whole band had the Jennifer Aniston haircut way before it was trendy.

(music stops)

Gosh, you remember where you were when you first heard that song?

Yeah, right here, right now.

BONNIE: Look at him.

I never would have imagined he'd get sober.

Last time I saw him, we were Lady and the Tramp-ing a big, fat line of blow.

Did you talk to him after the meeting?

No, I wasn't gonna wait in line to shake his hand.

His hand and I have history.

(chuckles)

Oh, I shook his hand.

I swear to God, that man sleeps in gloves with lotion.

I should start doing that again.

How long were the two of you together?

(exhales)

Let's see.

I guess it would have been...

(tongue clicks)

three, maybe four nights?

That was your serious chunk of ?

I've been in love for four nights.

You should go say hey.

(speaking indistinctly)

All right.

I'm gonna do it.

Hello.

Hi.

I don't mean to interrupt.

I just wanted to say...

hello.

Hello.

(chuckles)

Rod.

Rod, Rod, Rod.

Can you believe this?

Can you believe we're still alive?

I cannot.

(laughs)

Ah, so many memories.

Indeed.

And then to see you in the meeting...

Oh, you were in the meeting.

Oh, good for you.

- Good for both of us.

- Yeah.

All right.

Enjoy that BLT.

(laughs)

We have plenty of time to catch up.

(quietly): Right.

His mind: blown.

(music playing over computer)

♪ Out of nowhere, you were there ♪

♪ Satin jacket, perfect hair...

♪ Who the hell is that guy?

- As if you don't know.

- I-I really don't.

You're such a philistine.

That's Rod Connaughton.

From Sachet.

Not a clue.

But I'm curious, what has led you to this particularly unpleasant corner of the Internet?

Okay, how do I say this?

Part of my past came back into my life today.

But I don't want you to worry.

So you banged him.

I was trying to ease you into it, - but yes.

A long time ago.

- (chuckles): Okay.

So, in the spirit of crystal clarity, I slept with a rock star.

Uh, David Bowie's a rock star.

This guy sprays cologne on your face at JCPenney.

Aw, is somebody jealous?

(chuckles): No.

We both came into this relationship knowing we had a past.

Uh, mine happens to be - a little more vivid, but yes.

- (grunts)

(sighs)

Bonnie, I was a stuntman for years.

There comes a point on every movie set where the lead actress is upset with the director, isn't talking to her leading man, is divorcing her third husband, and has been on a liquid diet for a month.

And guess who's over there, limbering up against a Camaro, ready to light her cigarette?

(scoffs)

Let's go to bed.

Funny, that's exactly what Tanya Roberts said.

(scoffs)

In what universe is Tanya Roberts a movie star?

(laughs): The same one where that yahoo's a rock star.

Also, the girl from WKRP who wasn't Loni Anderson.

Good night.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Classic inches.

Okay, oven, what do you got?

Let's see.

Damn it!

- Hey, Tammy.

- Hey, buddy.

Listen, when you get up in the morning and you want to think about, I don't know, hockey or something, which side of the table do you sit on?

That one.

What exactly is happening here?

Mm.

I'm more than just a licensed handyman, Adam.

I'm a licensed handyman with empathy.

See, if I'm gonna design a kitchen, I got to see it from your perspective.

Oh!

While Bonnie's not here, can you raid the cereal cabinet for me?

Oh, sure thing.

Dang, you eat cereal like I used to pop pills.

Oh.

Oh!

I can't reach it.

Tammy, you could still stand.

Oh, yeah.

Good call.

All right.

Let's see, what do we got?

- Ooh, Golden Grahams?

- Yeah.

(chuckles): All right.

Oh, dude, that's not the kitchen's fault.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Look what still fits after years.

(chuckles): Oh, right.

Right.

(chuckles)

Where do you want me to sign, love?

- Oh, I don't want your autograph, Rod.

- Oh, a selfie, then?

A-Are you kidding?

It's me, Bonnie Plunkett.

Okay.

I understand, it's been a long time.

Let me refresh your memory.

Fargo Ballroom, .

Radisson Hotel.

Ice machine at the Radisson Hotel.

(laughs): Oh!

Oh!

(chuckles): Hey!

Yes.

Hello.

Oh, I must apologize.

The ' s are gone.

Just washed away on a sea of quaaludes and cognac.

But you got to remember me.

We had something real.

You even said I was more than a groupie.

Well, that's what you say to groupies, you know.

That's how you get a groupie.

I bet I even played the piano for you.

You did.

Because you were writing a song just for...

- Oh, my God.

- (laughs)

Classic Rod.

I might not remember the ' s, but I'm still apologizing for 'em.

Anyway, I can still sign your T-shirt.

Oh, for God's sake, Rod, put away your Sharpie!

Ooh, you're getting a bit loud.

That's hitting my tinnitus.

Oh, sure.

You show up at my meeting, and you act like this great, big superstar, but the minute it gets real, you get back on that tour bus and sneak out of town.

Well, you know what?

You don't forget me.

I forget you.

Right, fine.

Have it your way.

Yeah, go ahead, walk away!

- I hope I don't see you again!

- ROD: Don't worry, you won't.

Yeah, that's a lot of attitude for someone who doesn't even have a Wikipedia page!

Well, he doesn't!

I spent all day in Adam's kitchen living as Adam, and I got to tell you guys, it really opened my eyes.

Does that mean I can have my office chair back?

Seriously, Marjorie?

The man can't walk.

I have to do my taxes.

You guys, you're never gonna believe this.

I just talked to Rod, and...

- He doesn't remember you.

- He didn't remember me.

But, oh-ho-ho, he will remember me now.

Whoo-hoo.

I let him have it Bonnie Plunkett-style.

I love it when you yell at people who aren't me.

Ugh, so awkward.

Now you're gonna have to see him at every meeting.

Oh, no, he will not be coming to our meeting again.

Scorched earth.

(sighs loudly)

- What?

- Never mind.

Really?

You sigh, say "never mind"?

This is what killed your last three cats.

You may have just driven an alcoholic away from a meeting.

- I hope I did.

- (sighs loudly)

Wendy, get ready.

I'm about to yell at Marjorie.

Our rooms need to be a safe space for everybody.

(singsongy): Ooh, Bonnie owes Rod an amends.

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

Sure this is the right place?

A few clicks on the ol' dark web, and I found his address.

(rings doorbell)

I also got your Amazon Prime login, so expect some running shoes in my size to come tomorrow by : p.m.

(door opens)

Yes?

Oh, hello.

Uh, is this the Rod Connaughton residence?

Indeed.

He's in his hobby room.

Come on in.

I'll go and get him.

Rodney?

You have some lady friends here.

Oh...

my God.

Can you believe this?

I know.

He doesn't remember you, but he's banging Mary Poppins.

(laughs)

♪ ♪ - (football game playing on TV)

- (knocking)

It's open!

- Hey.

- Hey.

I checked out your plans for the kitchen.

They look amazing.

Yeah, about that.

- (mutes TV)

- What's wrong?

The stupid city won't let me do anything.

I have to get permits for the plumbing and electrical.

In order to do that, I have to get permission from the owner of the building, and they don't want to do anything to permanently change the apartment.

- Oh, well, that's okay.

- (sighs)

At least we discovered the secret cereal.

It's not okay!

It's not fair!

I mean, you struggle so much, you shouldn't have to dislocate your shoulder to make a frickin' peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

Can I get you a soda?

I don't know, can you?

What shelf is it on?!

♪ ♪ Check it out.

Portrait of the young rocker with a muffin top.

I dreaded this amends.

- Now I'm starting to enjoy it.

- I know.

Please put that down.

What are you doing here?

Isn't the real question, what are you doing here?

- He lives here.

- Mum.


Oh!

Where are my manners?

Do you all want tea?

I also have Tang.

Rodney's quite partial to it.

(laughs)

Um, how about I come help you make it.

I haven't had Tang since high school.

I used to mix it with vodka and take it to gym class.

Ooh, that sounds lovely.

It was, until we started archery.

It wasn't enough for you to embarrass me after the meeting?

Now you have to track me down?

Just cut to the chase...

Do we have a daughter who needs money for college?

Well, actually, I'm here to make an amends for my behavior.

Really?

Maybe if I sit.

(clears throat)

(clears throat softly)

(sighs)

Upon reflection...

it was wrong of me to say anything that could get in the way of you coming to a meeting.

You have every right to be there and not worry that you're going to be attacked in public by someone who you once pretended to write a song for.

Okay.

Well, I, uh...

I very much appreciate you saying that.

It's not often a moment like this gets sorted out and no DNA tests are involved.

(chuckles)

Lucky me.

(chuckles)

Well, now that we got that cleared up...

hope I see you in the meeting.

Okay.

(clears throat softly)

Any chance I could get that Tang in a to-go cup?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, could you do me a huge favor, and don't mention any of this to anyone?

Oh.

So the next time you share about jet-setting around the world, I shouldn't bring up that you live with your "mum"?

Spot-on.

And when you talk about hanging out in the grotto, I shouldn't tell people you're really hiding out in your hobby room?

What you got going on in there...

Puppets, marionettes?

You're gonna make this difficult, aren't you?

Look, all I'm saying is, you're painting a totally different picture of your life in your shares.

You've been sober a long time...

Where's the rigorous honesty?

I know, I know.

It's just that when I grab that podium, I get in front of an audience, something takes over.

Yeah.

Lying.

Well, I was gonna say "a magical connection between me and the crowd," but okay.

♪ ♪ Tammy, trust me, these kind of things used to piss me off, but after so many years, I just learned to roll with it.

I'm allowed to make those jokes.

Look, I really appreciate how much you care.

That's 'cause I know what it's like.

You do?

I never fit in the "normal box," either.

It's like I went to bed one night this average-size nine-year-old, and I woke up this height.

I was taller than all the boys.

I could never find jeans long enough.

I had to cram my legs under the desk.

A new kid came and thought I was the teacher.

Oh, and then I sucked at basketball.

If that isn't God taking a dump on me, I don't know what is.

Did you have a coach work with you?

Because if you've got size, you can just post up at...

No, never mind.

Go ahead.

I remember once I had this birthday party at this place called Cinderella's Castle, and the birthday girl got to climb through Cinderella's tunnel maze, and at the end she'd get a crown from Prince Charming.

Well, halfway through, I got stuck.

'Cause the damn maze was built for a normal-size little girl.

(sighs)

They had to call the fire department.

And little Donna Schroder got the crown that was supposed to be mine.

Don't know Donna Schroder, but now I hate her.

So when I look at this kitchen, all I see is stupid Cinderella's maze.

And you're not getting your crown!

It means a lot that you have my back.

Thanks.

I looked Donna up on Facebook.

She's a total train wreck.

Tattooed eyebrows.

Cuts hair at the airport.

Cute dog, though.

♪ ♪ Rodney was always trying on my high heels.

And he still steals my eyeliner.

I think it's wonderful you support him so much.

Well, it was his dream.

If you can't support your children's dreams, what's the point?

Wow.

He had you for a mom, and he still hit rock bottom.

He got the bad stuff from his father.

Wandering pen1s and all.

Sharing at a meeting is not a performance.

You're there to help other people stay sober with your actual story.

What, that all my money went up my nose, and I just threw my back out cleaning my mum's gutters?

How does that help people?

It lets them know they're not alone.

And if you want to perform, get your ass back onstage.

Well, the band does want to do a reunion tour.

Oh, my God.

The original Sachet with Declan and Sudsy?

- You-you have to.

- I can't.

I've never played sober, and it terrifies me.

No, I get it, I get it.

Look, I never had s*x sober, but now that I have...

it's fine.

But without the drugs, I-I don't have the stamina.

I mean, the only reason for the keytar - was so people could watch me prance.

- Yeah...

I hate to break it to you, but your fans are my age.

No one's gonna be rushing the stage during the encore.

(chuckles)

Encore?

Our drummer gets winded after three songs.

No, no, no.

Forget it, I can't do it.

I cannot stand on that stage and look at that state fair audience and live a lie.

Uh...

okay, calm down.

Do-do you have anyone to talk to about this?

Well, I used to talk to Rod Stewart, but he's gone a bit squishy since he did that Christmas album.

What about your sponsor?

I-I don't have one.

Ah.

There's your problem.

Putting the drink down is huge, but it's just one part of being sober.

The rest is about the thinking.

The things that go on between our ears.

And if you're not dealing with that, you're basically white-knuckling your sobriety.

And I get it, because I've been there.

And today's a perfect example.

If I didn't have a sponsor, I wouldn't have come here.

Well, for what it's worth, I'm glad you did.

So am I.

I think that leads to the next obvious question.

Mm, Rod.

(chuckles)

I'm happily married...

I can't go on tour with you.

Oh, no, no.

I want you to be my sponsor.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, I have a lot of people under my wing right now.

But none of them ever opened for Wham!

Thank you.

Thank you.

And I...

I really am very sorry that I didn't remember you.

Which brings me to something that's been haunting me ever since you mentioned the drummer.

- Liam?

- Liam.

I'm starting to think it was Liam.

♪ ♪ All right, come on in, buddy.

Ah.

(laughs): I'm so sorry, but...

I'm not really seeing what's different.

Well, there was one thing I figured I could do without a permit.

Voilà!

(laughs): Oh, that's fantastic!

I love it!

That's great!

Now you can reach everything.

The condiments, the spices...

We have Nutella?

Tammy...

- you're the best.

- Agreed.

All right, now I got to take off.

Okay.

Oh, there's one more thing.

Can you look at it for me?

Real quick.

- Sure.

- Something's going on with that drawer to the left of the sink.

It seems fine.

Hey, what is this?

That is a Cinderella princess crown.

I bought it for you.

I didn't have one.

You have my back; I have yours.

Suck on that, Donna Schroder.

(both laugh)