04x18 - Walk of Shame

[bunniefuu]

Nick: Your hair looks so different.

Well, get used to it, boys.

'Cause we're single, we're sophisticated.

And we just went to a place to get blow-outs.

What's a blow-out?

You know how it's possible to make your own hair look amazing?

Uh, I do not.

Yeah, you know whose hair I admire?

Jesus. Man, dude's hair get overlooked because of all the miracles and stuff.

So, there's a place that just blows out your hair?

Well, they wash it first.

So, essentially they create a problem, and then charge you to fix it.

Here's a, a business idea I just thought of.

Why don't I break the heels off your shoe, and then charge you to glue them back on?

Or, uh, take your sore back and adjust it.

Which would, uh, just make me a chiropractor.

You ladies need to be very careful.

Blow-out can give a woman too much confidence.

Make them take on things that they can't handle.

Hillary Clinton.

Oh, hey, Ken. You can just put the beer behind the bar.

Oh, actually I was coming over here to talk to the pretty ladies.

(both laugh)

Nice hair.

(both laugh)

(laughs) Hey, Jess.

Hey, Cece.

Bear Claw, hello.

I'd offer you my hand, but it's quite wet.

Still standing close to people.

My building has cable Internet now.

Did you get even prettier?

(laughs): What?

No.

What? No.

What... no.

You and Cece should come to a party at our place tonight.

I live with Ken.

Ken played football in college.

Do a football thing, Ken!

I'm kidding, Ken.

Nobody wants to see that garbage.

Anyway, gonna be some cool people there.

We know twin architects.

Yeah, they're... brothers.

Ken, what did we talk about?!

Huh?

Some people understand things that don't come quite naturally to your brain!

Stupid dum-dum.

Stay out of this. You guys want to come?

Um, could you excuse us for a second?

Yeah.

You played that all wrong, you stupid idiot.

Cece, I know these guys are weird, but parties have cute guys who aren't Schmidt.

What did Charisma say while he was washing our hair?

He said he was worried about Taylor Swift living in New York all alone.

Well, yeah, we all are, but he also said that we need to embrace our freedom.

We're single. We can do whatever we want!

The only thing stopping us is us.

And Charisma made us promise not to waste these blow-outs.

Our hair does look so good right now.

Let's do this! Let's go to this party!

Let's see where this journey takes us!

(birds chirping)

Good morning.

Hi.

Do you want to hear a funny story?

This green pillow over here, I always use it in between my legs like a... like a second person.

But it found its proper home underneath your head today.

(both laugh)

Man: Hey, hey... mamma Mia!

He slipped in the sauce. Bookmark this one.

Coach, get in here! We're watching videos of Italians falling down.

Oh, he's on a jog with May. You know, I think he might've met his match with that one.

Rumor has it they haven't even kissed yet.

What was all that noise in their room if they haven't kissed yet?

That's weird.

Stop listening by everybody's rooms for sex sounds, Winston. (laughs)

Listen, if I'm not getting it, Hey! Hey!

I want to make sure everybody else is getting it.

Winston, I mean it, man.

Good morning!

I, uh, I believe you all know May.

Hi.

If you'd like to exchange pleasantries, please do so now, as she as on her way out.

Why are you talking like you're high and I'm your dad?

Sorry I can't stay. I'm performing at a benefit today.

Oh. I'm playing Bach's "Cello Suite No. 1," and all I have left to learn is the cadenza movement, so it's...

Well, at least it's not the saraband.

Oh! Oh, my God! (laughing)

Right? I get this.

That's crazy.

Hey, you guys should come.

Yeah, it's at an art gallery.

Yeah, yeah. I-I think I speak for everyone when I say absolutmont.

(laughter)

Something about Italians on their asses, man.

Both (gasp): Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You have stickers on your neck. (groans)

Ow!

"The man, the legend"?

Wouldn't that mean he has no penis at all?

Look, I had no choice, okay?

He's sleeping on my shirt.

We need to go! Walk of shame!

Let's make a move...

Wait, a minute. Why do women have to have a label for going home in the morning when for men it's just... going home.

Why don't we just call ourselves what we are?

Two respectable women... rushing to their car.

Great.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh!

The sun! Hellfire!

Where's the car? Where's my car?

No, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No! No! No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

What are we gonna do?

My phone's dead.

My phone is dead, too.

I have no cash. Now, what are we gonna do?

Are we gonna walk?

My feet are wrecked, okay?

And carrying shoes?

That's legit walk of shame.

Please stop saying "walk of shame."

Also "legit."

Not crazy about that word, either.

If that South African runner who k*lled his girlfriend can run with no legs, we can walk in heels.

Cece: Excuse you!

Those little b*tches throwing us shade? Hey!

Keep it moving! (both laugh)

This is a middle school vice principal and can give both of you detention.

Jess: Hey, would one of you let us use your phone in exchange for...

Cece?

What? Mm-hmm.

Cheese and a condom?

It's for emergencies.

Do you think Nick and Winston should come to May's thing?

No.

I mean, I'm so freaked out that they're gonna embarrass me.

I'm barely holding my own with May's friends as it is.

It's always Neo-romanticism with that guy... like Rihm, Rochberg, Zwilich.

You know what song I find Neo-romantic?

(humming Johnny Pearson's "Heavy Action")

It's Monday Night Football?

Uh...

Why is it, like, weird right now?

It's a good thing that I'm coming with you.

I know a ton about classical music.

I played the ghost of Rachmaninoff in a loosely based high school production of Shine.

Now, do you think I'm crazy for, like, thinking like that?

Like, what do you think about Nick and Winston coming?

You know, I brought Nick to a work dinner once.

(whoops) That was fun!

Now, that place was fancy.

(groans)

(grunts)

Vest without a shirt?

I mean, it's a clean look.

It's just not for that occasion. You-you don't think we should tell them not to come, though, right?

I think we can tell them whatever we want.

Oh, hey, hey. And then... so, that's, it's his side.

Hey, Nick!

(sputters)

What's up, man?

Nick, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!

Male voice: The voice mailbox for...

Nick: Penis Wilson.

Male voice: is full. Good-bye.

And there it is.

All the numbers I know by heart.

That's more than me.

Learn from us.

Also, never open a line of credit for your boyfriend no matter how talented of an artist he is.

Uh, we are walking.

We're walking.

Cece: All right.

This is a legit walk of shame.

Oh, yeah. (car horn honks)

Rough start, ladies!

It was the blow-out.

It was the blow-out.

It's gonna be okay. Come on, let's go.

Oh, my God, they look so comfy.

Okay, you got it, okay? You got it.

Just give it a good... (grunts)

Oh, God, I need those sneakers.

Ooh!

So close, so close.

You got it on this one, you got it, you got it.

Yeah.

(screams)

No! No!

Let's follow that train.

Jess: Look at it, just sitting there, so full and so watery.

If we steal that water, are we criminals?

If we cross this fence, are we crossing a line that we can never...?

Shut up, we are going in.

Winston: Makes sense.

Ugh, I can't believe we have to go to that stupid music thing.

I just found these two-for-one coupons to the water park.

Wow.

They reopened the wave pool because it's been two years to the day since that guy d*ed.

R.I.P. Mike Beakman.

Schmidt: All right, you know what?

I'll... I'll take one for the team.

You guys go to the water park, and I'll go with Coach.

Coach: Really?

My eyes react poorly to children's urine anyway.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Sweet.

You guys are gonna have so much fun without us.

Yeah, come on, Coach.

Man...

Let's go put on our most scrotum-crushing trousers.

Thanks a lot, guys.

(chuckles)

Those lousy serpents.

They don't want us to come.

Damn lousy serpents.

(hissing)

They must think we're stupid.

I don't want to go...

Mm-hmm.

But I don't like the idea of not going because they don't want us to go, rather than not going because we don't want to go.

That's right, 'cause if we don't go, then who gonna go when we don't want to, 'cause we go.

Right? Rewind.

Come on, I'm being very clear here.

Where are we going and why?

We're going everywhere for both reasons.

(hissing)

How do you do it so smooth?

(hisses) Just... (hisses) ...exhale.

(stuttering hiss)

(smooth hiss)

(stuttering hiss)

I just can't do it. I don't even care about it.

Just gonna...

Oh, that's heavy.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let's just knock it over. Push it ov... push it.

Push, push...

Go.

Oh! Fall back, fall back, fall back, fall back.

We're trapped.

Now what? Wait until the kid's party's over?

Kids unwrap presents so slowly.

I know. Kids are so slow.

I think this is rock bottom.

Cece...

I have to tell you something embarrassing.

What?

I didn't sleep with Bear Claw last night.

I did something even worse.

We made up a musical about woodland creatures.

♪ Owls and squirrels and deer ♪
♪ Raccoon and caribou ♪
♪ And otters ♪
♪ Get out of here, you're not welcome ♪
♪ Get out of here ♪
♪ Get out of here ♪
♪ Caribou, caribou... ♪

(laughing) It's true.

Heh.

Why did you make it seem like...

Because I didn't have a one-night stand like a normal woman.

I stayed up all night pretending to be a singing tree.

♪ I'm just a dumb old tree ♪
♪ You're not, take it back ♪
♪ Nobody ever pets me-e-e-e ♪
♪ 'Cause you're just a tree ♪
♪ They just eat my nuts ♪
♪ Eat my nuts, eat my nuts. ♪

You're right. That is way more shameful.

(giggles weakly) All right.

Confession.

I did not sleep with Ken, either.

Yeah, we started hooking up and then I called him... Schmidt.

That's okay. It happens.

Twice.

Whatever.

Four times.

Okay, that's bad.

I know, I felt so bad afterwards, I straightened up his room.

I am a grown woman that is in love with her ex-boyfriend that has a girlfriend.

And I've been stealing my neighbor's Wi-Fi.

I mean, what have I become?

This day is about to turn around.

Wait.

Coach.

What?

Just-just put it in your pocket.

No, dude. It had pork belly on it.

Just put it in your pocket. Do it.

I used to play the violin.

Then I became a real musician.

(laughs)

Because your instrument's bigger, right?

(chuckles)

Cello knowledge.

Yeah.

(whispering): The cello is bigger.

Nice.

(Nick and Winston laughing)

The hell are they doing here?

I don't know.

They're drinking at a normal pace.

There's nothing stuck to them.

Exactly.

The hell are they up to?

You are a genius.

Sweet, sweet city water.

Okay. You know how today's been kind of like a-a crappy day?

Mm-hmm.

Well, how would you feel if that hose belonged to your ex-boyfriend?

Jess?

Genzlinger!

Hey! Uh...

Blast from the past!

How's that ass?

That ass is good.

I don't know if that's an expression, but...

How the heck are you?

Good. How... Oop.

Heh. Don't know why I did that.

Did it again. I don't know why.

Why you guys dressed up all nice? Huh?

Talking all polite and stuff. What-What's going on?

Oh, we're just here for the culture and, uh, the spectacle of it all.

Really?

And to make you look like a stupid piece of crap for thinking we'd be an embarrassment to you.

I'm patting you down.

Hey.

I'm an American citizen.

I request a female if you're gonna do that.

Stop it. Stop.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Ah, ah.

Get your paws off of me.

I feel something!

I feel something!

Show some class, Coach.

Nick: Get your paws off of me!

Ow!

Toothpick in my leg! (descending notes)

Oh, dip.

Ernie!

Please apologize to Frondi.

The flautist.

Uh...

The flute player.

Oh.

Sorry, Frondi.

I should go.

We'll take care of the charges and the damages.

We'll spare no expense.

No, we will not. No, we will not.

We will spare no expense.

No, we will not.

So, yeah, I got promoted to Vice Principal.

VP.

Great.

I have a bottle of soy sauce on my desk, so no more packets for me.

Hey, you got a little roly poly bug on you, hmm?

Oh...

I get it.

What?

I wasn't born yesterday!

You think we're on a walk of shame.

Didn't, but...

Congratulations.

You spend your Sundays having cupcake parties at your beautiful house with your cute little half-Asian kid and your daddy diaper bag...

I think someone might need a visit from the "rest police."

Just because I don't have a husband or a baby or a house doesn't mean I'm not living right.

We're still growing and changing.

Yeah.

And that's a good thing.

Look at this hair.

This is single-girl hair.

This is adventure hair.

This isn't boring, married, settled hair.

This is... this is fun.

We're fun.

You know what I did last night?

I got totally obliterated, and I made up a musical fable with a guy named Bear Claw, and it was better than sex.

♪ I'm a little fox, but I'm not that sly ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ I'm an honest little guy. ♪

Well, I'm glad things are good...

You know what, Genzlinger?

I don't care what you think of me.

'Cause this is my journey.

Welcome to my freaking journey.

Great, I wish you luck...

You ready?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's not Jenn.

(sighs)

Nope.

This is not my house, okay?

This is not a daddy diaper bag, This is a bag of sadness.

Because I am a party clown. (squeaks)

I'm actually a musical party clown, okay?

So no one's had a more shameful walk this morning than me.

(squeaks)

What happened to Jenn?

Thanks for bringing that up.

Salt in the wound.

She left me.

You know what I did last night?

I'm gonna tell you.

I masturbated to p*rn that I had to draw on the back of an envelope.

(chuckles) Mmm.

He's great with kids.

Who are you?

I'm a Liza Minnelli impersonator.

♪ Ah... ♪

So...

Ah, guys, look, I don't see much of the toothpick coming out.

So, best move...

Push it all the way in, and get it from the other side.

Am I right? You guys agree?

How could you guys do this to me?

Nick: We didn't do anything.

You embarrassed yourself.

Actually, you embarrassed us.

And you do it all the time, Coach.

Like how you sit on the hood of your car when you pump gas into it.

I mean, what, are you in Dukes of Hazzard, you idiot?

I saw Isaiah Thomas do it on a poster once, and it was cool.

And what are you laughing at, all right?

What?

You put ChapStick on like a little girl putting on lipstick for the first time.

(chuckling): It's way too much puckering.

Winston, you know what, you shut up.

Cold busted.

You're the most embarrassing one of our friends by far.

With your singing.

Outfits. - And the crystals.

Your mural.

The mustache. - Your fauxhawk.

Your bell.

Puzzles. - Cat.

FYI... you guys live with the cat, too.

But at least I get to reap the benefits.

(chuckles)

That... (door opens)

Ah.

(chuckling): Oh, oh.

Look, it's not what it looks like, my man.

Um, we're just trying to squeeze something out of my buddy.

We'll be done when it comes out.

(clicks tongue)

Coach: Well, maybe it's not gonna work with May.

She's too good for me.

I should just go back to having soulless sex with beautiful women I share no emotional connection...

(shouts) Oh!

All my hard work.

May didn't start liking you because you play some dumb instrument.

She started liking you because you're cocky.

And you're funny.

What, you're afraid of her because she plays the standing-up guitar?

He's right, Coach, I don't know why we're trying so hard to make you fit in here.

You're Coach, sex in a sweat suit.

Yeah.

If I've tought you one thing, it's lead out with confidence.

Follow up with comedy.

And number trey, your home run, your triple...

Have great looks.

I got 'em, and I passed them on to you.

So get out there, you beautiful peacock.

Shake your tail feathers.

I mean, I'd rather not get these compliments with my pants down, but appreciate it.

Paul, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.

You don't have to clown for these people.

Yes, you do.

She said...

Open yourself up to the journey.

Look, if Taylor Swift can live alone in New York, just think what you can do.

The only thing stopping you is you.

Yeah.

Ma'am, I will not clown for you today.

Or any day thereafter.

What are you doing?

I am going on a journey.

This is my freaking journey.

(squeaking)

We're taking back the morning. (whoops)

Jess: Happy birthday to your little one.

May, we run in different circles.

My circle's not even really a circle.

It's more of a swirling mass of idiots.

But, uh, that's me.

Yeah, you didn't have to come back in here to tell me you were an idiot.

No.

What I need to tell you is I like you.

And that, um... and that I hate classical music.

I'm sorry, I do... I hate it.

I mean, there's so many better kinds of music now, it's...

Okay.

Yeah.

But if you're playing it, I want to listen.

'Cause you mean a lot to me.

All right.

I'm gonna play you a song, and if you can name it...

(sighs) then we can give this another sh*t.

If you don't want to do this, just... it's... I'm fine.

(plays Johnny Pearson's "Heavy Action")

That's Monday Night Football!

Yeah, I learned it for you.

All right.

Oh.

Oh, sorry.

That poked me.

Okay.

No, just don't touch it, don't touch it.

Okay, okay, okay.

But okay.

Okay.

Los Angeles! (shoes squeaking)

We are sluts and we are clowns!

But we are not losers!

We are not losers!

Yes!

No, we're adventurers!

Shame, shame, I know your name.

Ah... yo, Nicholas!

Hey, Genzlinger!

I miss you, man!

Great shoes!

Guess what, guys, I'm still here.

Take that, Lyme's disease!

Cecilia, what is that shirt?

"The man, the legend"?

Oh, I think you've met the legend.

Hey, you guys want a ride?!

Yeah!

Nah!

No.

No, we've made it this far.

We're just gonna carry on through.

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

Yeah.

Take that, City of Angels!

For the true angels are we!

Yes!

Charisma, we didn't waste your blow-out!

I know we are having a moment here.

Just take it down a notch.

(elevator dings)

Oh, thank God we made it.

Bear Claw: Uh, Jess.

You forgot your purse.

I didn't look inside.

(whispering): But I did feel around.

Thanks, Bear Claw.

♪ The forest is very lonely for a thing like he ♪
♪ I'm a gay wolf ♪
♪ He's a gay wolf ♪
♪ The creatures of the forest ♪

Coach: N-N-N-No, don't go out there, don't.

♪ Are set in their ways ♪

Oh.

♪ It's very hard to be ♪
♪ An animal gay ♪
♪ Today ♪

This is super embarrassing.

Yeah.

♪ Today ♪

(howls)

It's why I didn't want to come out here.

We should go to a minor next to really feel the sadness and isolation.

No.

Yeah, he just wants to be accepted, May.

Yeah, I got it. Love that.

♪ He runs with the pack ♪
♪ All day long ♪

Uhh, this is embarrassing.

♪ Inside of him is a sad sad song ♪
♪ And he's a gay wolf all along ♪
♪ But, wait ♪
♪ I'm a gay wolf too ♪
♪ Would you like to eat some wolf Chinese food ♪
♪ Only if it's gay ♪

Clap, now.

Clap. Now.

Thank you.