05x07 - Wig

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Uh, where'd you get these burritos?

From the spot on the corner?

Mmm.

Yeah, the spot on the corner.

You know I helped a lady give birth in the kitchen?

Ugh.

Nick: That's disgusting.

A baby in the middle of the place.

I knew that wasn't going to stop you.

Disgusting.

You didn't tell us you delivered a baby.

Baby's perfectly fine.

But let's just say I did not do a good job.

(door closes)

Winston: Oh, Reagan. What's up?

Hey. So, uh, I just jogged past a guy that's offering donkey rides for $50.

Feel like that's too much for a donkey ride, right?

Nick (mouth full): It's a dog, not a donkey.

I know that guy. His name is...

His name is Stan.

Stan. S-T-A-N.

His dog's name's Cheerio.

Hold on.

It's not a donkey.

Um, it's a dog.

Okay.

(sighs) That was painful, Nick.

It's like watching Cece make a bed.

(Cece humming a tune)

Just give me the sheet!

I can't be normal around Reagan.

She's too hot and mysterious.

I mean, I haven't peed in four days, which is alarming because I have been drinking constantly.

Yep. Nothing.

The fact of the matter is, is that she don't want to hang out with us.

She's our roommate, but she being straight up discourteous.

Reagan, why don't you join the fiesta, huh?

I'll make up a pitcher of margaritas.

That's tempting, but, uh, if I have one margarita, I'll have eight; and if I have eight, end up riding that donkey all the way to Santa Monica, so...

(laughing): It'd be great to watch you ride a donkey!

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Nick: There's extra toilet paper in the bathroom! It's...

(door opens and closes)

Are you hiding toilet paper again?

I can't do this.

Did she hit us with a "No, thanks"?

How about this? No, thanks, to your "No, thanks."

Here's what I'm gonna do...

I'm gonna make her hang out with us whether she wants to or not.

Oh, yeah, this woman just made my nonsexual to-do list.

You have a sexual to-do list?

Cece, don't ask.

Number one...

I regret it already.

Joan Allen.

Oh! Nick!

She's back in the kitchen! She's back in the kitchen!

Nick, we're making sex.

It hasn't started yet.

It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut.

It's called foreplay, you tween.

You don't just buy a Porsche off the lot and immediately enter it in the Groser Preis von Deutschland.

What?

The Groser Preis von Deutschland.

Just let me eat in here. I don't want to eat around Reagan.

Why not? Oh, I forgot that you're a bear in pants.

Will you please go eat in your room?

She's right across the hall. She'll hear the crunching!

We need you elsewhere, Nick.

From my cold, dead hands!

That doesn't even apply.

Reagan! (laughs)

Ooh, what a coincidence. We're both running!

And I've been chasing you for miles like a m*rder*r!

I kind of prefer to run alone.

You see?

That's your problem right there.

We're roommates now, and in our loft, we do things together, like a family.

Ooh, look. A bubbler.

Oh. Oh.

(slurping loudly)

Oh, that's so good! Mmm.

There's a Band-Aid in there.

Woman: Reagan?

Camilla. Oh, my God. Hi.

Why did I think you were still in Atlanta?

Oh, because last night you sent me a text saying, "Still in Atlanta."

Well, hello. What have we here?

Back on the stick, I see.

No, no, no.

No. No. I'm just staying with him and his roommates.

Yeah, which is exactly why you got to start hanging out with us more.

You know, we only got you for a month.

I get you for a whole month?

I'm about to start binge-watching Ken Burns's Jazz.

Oh, Ken Burns's Jazz. (whoops)

Call you later. I will.

Do that.

Call me, yes. Okay, great.

I'm going to. Okay.

Great.

Can't wait.

What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?

I am hooking up with her. I'm dating her a little bit, but I'm over it, and I'm trying to avoid her.

What are you telling people I'm here for a month for?

Oh, you see what we're doing right now?

We're vibing, we're talking about stuff!

Okay, now it's my turn. Let me do you.

Um... I think I swallowed a Band-Aid earlier.

Now I have to dump her, and I have never dumped anybody before. I don't know how.

I travel so much that I usually just disappear.

Wow.

Okay. I will help you break up with her.

Why? 'Cause you've been dumped, like, a million times?

No. Because I'm your roommate, and we have each other's backs.

Wait a minute. What makes you think I've been dumped a lot?

Please.

I read you guys the moment I got there.

Nick's deal is, he honest-to-God might be 50.

Schmidt's deal is he had to Shazam "Stairway to Heaven."

And your deal is you've been dumped a lot.

You're pretty good. You're pretty good.

Schmidt: How did Nick go through so many napkins, yet get salsa everywhere?

We've got no privacy, and it has been way, way, way too long since Mama got her biscuits.

And the biscuits... are rising.

I hope they stick to the pan and get a little brown on the bottom.

I'm gonna be honest.

That went right over my head. I just didn't get it.

I don't know... I don't know where you're going with it.

Plus, I can't concentrate. It's filthy in here.

How do we keep Nick out of here?! He thinks that Reagan is some sort of superhuman goddess.

Okay, well, the truth of the matter is, is I kind of get it.

You know, when we first met, I had to pretend that all kinds of things were wrong with you just so I wouldn't freak out.

You know, like, I gave you a glass eye for a while.

You had a wooden foot for a short period of time.

There was one week where I pretended that you were a Democrat.

I am a Democrat.

(laughing)

Ah, that's so funny. I love you.

Okay.

So we tell Nick she has a glass eye.

He'll spin out.

He'll think the eye is a government-issued camera taking pictures for Langley.

(scoffs)

Nick's a conspiracy theorist.

It's like an Irish carnival up there... just potato peels, broken rides, fiddle music, dreams left unfulfilled, bloodied soccer jerseys, bunch of women limping around named Moira.

Okay. So all we have to do is find a detail that won't make him spin out. Easy.

It'll be the opposite of easy.

It will be difficult.

Oh.

We need to come up with something so smart, so nuanced, so... unexpected, so surgical, that only a genius could think of it.

Reagan wears a wig.

What? Get out of here.

No, it's true.

She-she told me.

Oh, she told you?

Yeah.

When?

Before.

(scoffs)

Well, the timing definitely checks out.

The only question is why.

Personal, um, lady reasons.

I don't want to touch that.

(blows through lips)

"Reagan wears a wig."

"Told you before."

Yep.

"Because of lady stuff."

Wow.

I don't buy it.

Doesn't make sense.

We failed.

Patience. I know my boy.

But, Schmidt...

I know my boy!

Hey, Nick.

Got to get busy living or get busy dying. Heard.

What are you doing?

What are you doing is the question. What are you doing?

Were you just smelling my hair?

No. I'm just Nicky being Nicky.

Sometimes I feel like you're in one of those weird man-dog body-switch movies.

You like those, too? Neither?

(door opens and closes)

It's a wig.

(yelling): Doesn't make sense!

What?

(chuckles)

Ding, ding.

The biscuits are ready.

Well, did you make enough for Cousin Andy?

S...

I'm-I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I don't get that one, either. Who the hell is Cousin Andy?

I just made it up. Mmm.

Reagan, I've been broken up with so many times in so many different places.

Um, multiple parks, coffee shops, uh, Santa's lap, Kitchen Stadium on Iron Chef, airplanes in economy, economy select, economy comfort, platinum economy, all covered in butterflies...

I feel like we have established your credentials.

Okay. So I'm Camilla. Break up with me.

(clears throat)

(scoffs) Camilla...

Yes, baby. I love you so much.

We have had a lot of really good times together, and I just...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my goodness, oh, my God!

I knew this was comin'.

Oh, my God, oh, my goodness.

What-what are you doing?

Oh, no. Are you breaking up with me? Why you hate me?

Why you hate me so much?

I don't... I don't hate you. I don't hate you.

Oh, my God, you don't? Oh, my goodness. So you're not breaking up with me.

We're gonna have such a happy life together.

I-I...

I am. I am breaking up with you.

Oh, my God, you is breakin' up with me.

Why you is breakin' up with me and stuff?

Yo, this is mad crazy. I'm pregnant with your child.

Okay.

That isn't possible.

Yeah, his name is D'Lante.

We would never name our child that.

Yeah. D-apostrophe-Lante.

No, I can't... Look, I can't do this.

Look, I want you to be happy. Here.

Here's $80.

Wow. Really?

You're just gonna bail?

Yeah.

I suck at this, obviously.

I don't want to hurt her.

Honey, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Here.

Why don't you just be honest about why you're breaking up with her?

I don't... know.

I just feel like it's over.

Let me tell you about some reasons why I've been broken up with.

Um, "you're too nasty in bed, Winston."

Or "you remind me of my brother, Winston." Or... or "Winston, you spend too much time in the butterfly house."

I have an idea.

Okay.

What if you break up with Camilla for me?

I'm sorry, what?

Because obviously you understand how it feels, and you'll be much more gentle and empathetic.

What? No, that is the exact opposite of what we're trying to accomplish here.

This is a very important moment in your life.

You see, you have the ability to change, and that is what I find the most beautiful about human beings.

If you do it, I will do a 20-minute roommate dinner.

Okay, deal.

I been thinking...

Damn it, Miller!

Maybe Winston was right. How well do we know this Reagan character?

I mean, sure, she wears a wig.

Not a big deal. Or, let me ask you, is it a big deal?

Ask yourself, what type of person wears a wig?

A bald person?

Sure. I'll say so.

They're bald. Somebody hiding something?

Definitely.

Cece: Okay, look.

Maybe she's not hiding anything, all right?

Beyoncé, Beyoncé wears wigs, and you would trust Beyoncé with your life.

Yeah, I'd trust Beyoncé with my life.

♪ Ride it with my surfboard ♪
♪ Surfboard, surfboard ♪
♪ Bringin' on that wood, oh, baby, bringin' on that wood! ♪

We be all night.

We be all night.

Nick, is it possible that you are maybe overthinking this just a little bit, okay?

'Cause, look, Reagan is a really good roommate.

She's quiet, she pays, she takes care of her room.

Her room. That's it.

Great thinking.

That's why I love you.

That's why.

Not physically.

Uh, but as a person.

Like, um, it's not sexual. I love you like a mother or a sister or a girlfriend. It's not sexual.

Her room!

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Oh!

Jackpot.

Ribbons! Oh, these are probably Jess's.

Nick, stop. You should not be in here.

I am learning so much about you, Reagan.

An Ohio State T-shirt.

Cash from Canada. It's Canadian cash.

A picture of a little boy.

This woman is like an orange. You peel a layer, there's another layer there.

You're thinking of an onion. An orange only has one layer.

Oh, you poor thing.

Okay, someone has to put everything back exactly like they found it.

Well, it clearly is gonna be me, 'cause I'm the only one who can fold.

Nick, what are you doing?

I'm making a mess, but I'm finding the truth.

Okay, I'm gonna end this. Nick, Reagan doesn't wear a wig.

We made the whole thing up.

But I smelled it and I saw it.

We couldn't get you out of our room.

Why would you lie to me?

Well, we wouldn't need to lie to you if you would just talk to Reagan instead of hiding out in my room with your cheap Southwestern food.

Talk to her? Like a normal human being?

Yes, that's exactly what I want you to do.

Yes. Mm-hmm.

I have nothing in common with that woman.

She is a goddess who's descended from the heavens.

And I'm just a mud man from the bowels of Chicago.

Let's clean this place up, and let's get out of here.

She's gonna be home soon.

Wait.

What are these?

"Sarah Nevada"? "Suzi Shimizu"?

That's Reagan's face.

These are fake I.D.'s.

Fake I.D.'s?

Schmidt: Okay.

It's f... it's fake identification.

You're damn right it is, Jack.

Okay.

Okay.

Look, this is a little bit weird, but I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

Maybe Nick is onto something here, okay?

Because how much do we actually really know about her?

Who has fake I.D.'s?

I'll tell you who.

Con men. Grifters.

It's all starting to make sense to me.

Check this out. Let me break this down for you.

Okay? She and her bastard son...

Or her nephew.

...who she had with the Ohio State professor, go town to town, selling... let's say fake pills.

Pills. Doctor. Pharmacy. Whatever she does.

To a bunch of maple-sucking tree huggers.

Aka those lovely stoners from the north, our Canadian brothers and sisters.

Let's just clean this place up, and let's get out of here.

(chuckles)

(door opens)

Reagan: Guys! Winston made me bring home dinner.

It's Reagan.

Or is it Suzi?

Oh, Jewish God, why do you hate me? Clean up the floor!

Okay, yeah.

She is the one who has to explain herself.

Let her come in here.

You have gone full Nick, Cece.

What does that mean?

She's bought into your nonsense!

Enough. I'm very disappointed with you.

Put this down. I'll-I'll fold it.

I just picked it up!

You don't know what you're doing.

Hey, Reagan, come in here!

No, no, Reagan!

Don't come in here!

There's a possum in here!

Don't come in here, 'cause there's...

What do you mean Reagan wants to break up with me?

Who are you?

I'm her roommate.

Oh, so she sent her roommate to break up with me?

Now I have no more questions.

Great. Then I'm out. Blessings.

Okay, look, um, I know this is not ideal.

But if I'm being honest, she's got a lot of work to do emotionally.

Are you really gonna let her get away with this?

You must know how this makes me feel.

You've clearly been dumped many times.

Why do people keep saying that?

You ordered a Shirley Temple.

It's a virgin Denzel.

If she wants to dump me, she should man up and look me in the eye.

You know what, she should have, and I told her that.

It's the least she could have done.

Hey, you're preaching to the choir.

Ask me how many times I've been dumped.

I don't have the... 47 times. And once on my birthday.

And out of that 47 times and once on my birthday, do you know what part hurts the most?

Getting bailed on.

Getting bailed on.

Why do people think they can just disappear on you?

They're not thinking at all. Except of themselves.

Let's go find her.

Hell yeah. Ooh, wait, wait, wait, I just thought about it, and that's not a good idea.

Where is she?

How you... how you know I know where she at?

You said you're roommates.

Damn.

Bitten by my own snake.

So you all went through my room and you each have things that you would like to discuss. Is that correct?

That's true.

Yes. - Chicago.

So... the money, the fake I.D.'s.

I have fake I.D.'s because hospitals hate pharmaceutical reps and it gets me through the door.

I carry Canadian cash because I do a lot of business there and I don't trust banks.

Who does?

Okay. All right, fine.

What about this, though... your son?

He looks just like you.

That is me.

Wait. What?

Oof. Rough haircut. Oh, and if you found something in my room that kind of looks like a hollowed-out hand, that's a glove.

(clears throat) So I went full Nick, huh?

Yes, you went full Nick.

Right, yeah, I see that now.

I'm full Nick every day. Imagine how that feels.

We all owe you an apology for... pretty much everything.

I'm sorry that we went through your room.

Well, that's not what I'm upset about. I mean, I went through all of your rooms when I first moved in.

Excuse me?

Wait, you went through our rooms?

Oh, no.

How else am I supposed to get to know you?

But the point is I didn't jump to conclusions.

I mean, Nick has a two-by-four in his room with a nail in it.

I didn't assume he was building a human cage.

I'm building a tree house.

You're doing wha... you're building a tree house?

Well, why am I not involved? Why is Cece not involved?

We want to be involved.

Oh, I'm involved.

So's Winston.

What?

Everyone's involved in the tree house but I?

Forget about it. Reagan, how would you like to build a tree house with me?

No.

Reagan, we already got plans, we already got a two-by-four.

No. I feel like we are really off-topic here.

What I'm trying to say is: Why did you just assume that I'm a criminal?

Well, because these two are paranoid maniacs.

Who apparently are building a tree house together.

Not apparently. We are.

Mm-hmm.

On the other hand, we hardly know anything about you.

Oh, my God. Okay, that's what this is about?

Look, I'm-I'm only gonna be here for a few weeks.

There is no reason to get all emotionally involved.

Let's just keep it clean, and that way nobody gets upset.

I am so upset right now.

Winston: Uh, let me get ahead of this, roomie.

I did not help out today.

Camilla.

Hi, baby, hi.

What are you doing here?

Cut the crap.

Why?

You sent him to dump me?

No. (scoffs) To dump you?

No. Why would I do that... Why would you do that?

Nick: What the hell, man?

Cece: That is crazy.

Why would anyone do that?

What's wrong with you?

(quietly): Tell the truth, you sneaky woman.

Reagan, are you dumping me or not?

No.

Kind of.

Look, Camilla, I, uh...

I don't want to... I don't want to hurt you.

Just say it.

Okay. (clears throat)

The truth is...

...that I'm a criminal.

What?

I'm a criminal.

You shouldn't be with me. I'm disgusting.

Things I've done.

Things I'm capable of.

Hard life, short life... I probably won't live that long.

I can't believe this.

She's a criminal.

Filthy.

Disgusting crimes.

One of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life.

And who are you?

I'm her, uh, co-criminal.

Co-gangster. We run the streets together.

From Bangkok to Chicago to here.

Just murdering people.

My name is Nick. On the streets, they call me, uh...

Sharky.

Sharky, that's right.

'Cause I att*ck from beneath up.

Cece: It's all true, Camilla.

And her name is not Reagan.

It's Suzi Shimizu.

You're Japanese?

Very much so.

We happen... we happen to all be Japanese.

The unlucky offspring of a couple very lucky American GIs.

Unnecessary backstory.

Yeah, they call me the Moyel on the streets, 'cause I will, uh... (clicks tongue) ...cut your penis off.

Isn't that right, Sharky?

You're on your own, Moyel.

And they call me Cece, but spelled S-I-S-I, with an accent over the last I.

I am spinning out here, Moyel. You got to help me.

Why don't you go spin all the way over to your tree house?

Schmidt knows about the tree house?

Okay, what the hell is going on?

Winston, check for a wire... she could be a rat.

Stop it. This isn't real.

You're telling us we're not a Japanese crime family?

Reagan, tell me the truth.

Reagan, seriously, just stop bailing.

I'll just go.

Camilla, wait.

Look...

(exhales)

This isn't working out.

But I think that it's my fault.

Because I don't let people in.

I'm sorry.

I think that you deserve a lot better than that.

Thank you.

I know that wasn't easy for you.

Okay, well, I'm gonna take off.

Do you, um, still have my blue sweater?

Yes.

Oh, no, no, no...

Uh, it's right in my room. Right here, in the first door.

Right there.

Okay, thanks.

Winston: Oh, no, no.

Nick: That's nice.

Telling the truth works.

Schmidt: Yeah, it did.

Cece: Good job.

Wait, wait, wait, wait for it.

Camilla: Freaking bitch! (crashing)

I hate you! I hate you so much!

Oh.

Yeah, it's the old "I left my sweater" trick.

(Camilla roaring)

Let me tell you something, folks, I've played that song before.

All right, well, this obviously turned out to be a huge disaster.

I hate you so much!

But... thank you.

Try sleeping on an upside down bed!

I'm proud of you.

All of you... I mean, you guys could've bailed on me, but you didn't.

You stuck around, and you helped me lie to a psychotic woman who is now destroying all of my stuff.

(Camilla yells)

Anything to help.

It's kind of what we do.

It's how we roll.

(Camilla shrieks)

How do you think she's taking it?

What's with all these ribbons?!

How long do you think she's gonna be in there?

I like to do about 15.

Camilla: You are never gonna forget me!

You are never gonna forget Camilla!

So, what'd you bring us for dinner?

Cece: How about this one?

Are you ready to... soak Mama's beans?

It's working, right?

Okay, shh. I love you.

Yeah, I love you, too. I love you.

Let's not talk.

Okay.

(grunting)

Nick!

What?

You still can't eat in front of Reagan?

This has nothing to do with Reagan. I... I've just gotten used to eating in here. It's cozy.

Why, what are you guys up to?

What?

(knock at door)

Can I come in? My room is trashed.

This is where we eat, right?

Yes, please, please, please.

Might as well.

I mean, sure, why not?

What?

I like the way you eat a burrito.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

¡Buenas noches!

(Winston speaking Spanish)

Aah!

Oh!

Winston!

Oh... oh...

All over the bed?!

Winston: I didn't get my huevos on you, did I?

Close your robe!

Okay!