05x11 - The Apartment

[bunniefuu]

Okay, well, it's too small to be a cat hotel and it's too big to be pants.

So it's not mine.

Me neither. I pick up all my deliveries at the port.

The what? At the port?

Yeah.

What are you doing at the port?

Picking up my deliveries. Listen.

(short chuckle)

You drive all the way down to the port?

Yes.

Well, it's not mine. I only buy local.

Except, of course, for clothing and produce. Medication, water, seasoning, meat.

Maybe it's Cece's.

Isn't she packing up her apartment?

It's not Cece's.

She's packing right now, and Jess is going over there later to toast the place good-bye. 'Cause they're adorable.

Would you consider us adorable?

No, we're adult men.

We're cute.

Oh, hey!

My box is here.

Do you need help?

Oh...

Yeah, I was just gonna put it... Put it down right there.

Awesome.

Jess, is it me, or has your job become a poo poo festival?

No, it's fine. It's just the new principal, Becky Cavatappi.

She took over for Foster when he retired. I do all her work and she does all the working of her cleavage.

But the budget's your job, Becky.

Ah... Principal Cavatappi.

Like I always say: don't call me Becky unless you're riding me like a horse.

(laughs)

We work in a middle school.

Really.

This is the budget, or the next week of my life.

You know what they say... your life is just weeks and then you die.

Uh, Jess, are you sure you're okay?

Yeah.

I just got this for a little stress relief.

(laughs)

Oh, Schmidt, will you be a dear and text Cece and tell her I'm gonna be about, like, ten minutes late?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Aah!

(grunting, screaming)

Becky! Becky!

I hate you!

(screaming)

(knocking)

Hi!

Hello.

Look who I brought. The French.

Bonjour. Oh, it's Prosecco, it's Italian.

So grazie.

Oh, it's Polish Prosecco.

So that's on me for buying it at a gas station.

Long week of work ahead of me.

I'm looking forward to a fun night!

Okay, Jess, I should tell you before I...

I know I said I was done packing, but I'm not done, and the reason I'm not done is because I didn't do anything, and I have to get out before tomorrow, otherwise I lose my deposit.

Oh, Cece.

I know.

Cece, Cece, Cece.

Cece, Cece, Cece, Cece, Cece...

Hey, guys.

Hey, Winston.

I did it. I told Aly I need a new partner.

What? I thought you had a crush on her.

Yeah.

Well, exactly. You know, here's the problem.

She keeps talking about her boyfriend and his "ass that you want to open on Christmas."

What?

But it's fine.

You know, she took it better than I thought.

Screw you.

Here's your crap: lucky crystal, key chain fart marker, over a hundred yogurt tops, your flattened penny collection, a signed copy of a Paul Reiser biography, baby carrot thumb drive, a picture of you and Dave Coulier, loose Pez, my mom's cell number, a ticket stub from Urinetown.

When did you even see that?

Why? Why?

Oh, have you...

Have you tried 'em on?

Oh, and your Pure Mood CD.

This thing makes me want to swim into a boat motor.

(phone dings)

Oh... new partner's here.

Guys, as they say, when one chapter ends, a bridge appears, and then you cross that bridge and make lemonade out of a molehill.

Okay.

Hiya, partner. (laughs)

That's, uh, "hi" in karate. Hiya!

(both laughing)

That's cool.

You don't mind if we listen to some car jams, do you?

Well, man, let's just get right to track seven.

♪ Elations ♪

♪ Elation ♪

♪ Elations ♪

Elation.

♪ Elation, elation ♪

Elation.

(both laugh)

Oh!

I'm okay, it's fine, it's fine, yeah.

You okay, you good?

It's not gonna end well for these two.

I wouldn't trust him to watch a ball pit.

Hey, could I get a cream soda?

Dude, we both know what you're gonna do.

Don't. It's not cool.

What? We have a flasher.

You know what, maybe if we get drunk, then magically everything will just happen.

No, no.

No drinking until you've packed.

Look, I get that you're freaking out about moving, but we can do this. We need to make a keep pile and a toss pile, okay?

Keep or toss, keep or toss.

(phone dings)

Ugh.

Uh... Hi, Becky. Sorry, Principal Cavatappi.

Jess, remember that binder?

Yeah. Yup, I've got it right here.

I'll have it done by the end of the week.

Yeah, I mixed up the budget due date.

I took my contacts out 'cause they're ugly.

So I kind of can't read stuff.

I'll need it tomorrow.

Um... Uh, yeah, uh, but it's a week's worth of work.

You get it done or you're fired. (hangs up)

I have to do a week's worth of work in a night.

So we got to get through this quick.

Keep or toss, keep or toss.

Cece, that sweatshirt has a wine stain on it and an off-brand Looney Tunes character.

George Bunny? Who the hell is that?

You're right. Keep.

Toss!

No, keep, keep!

I'm calling the cops. There is a man pulling out his privates in our bar.

Oh, big whoop.

It used to be worse. It used to be more interactive.

What do mean, interactive?

Interactive.

You showed, too?

No, it was more like tennis, like... (snaps fingers)

Exit.

What's the second... (snaps fingers)

(snapping fingers)

Now it's just... (snaps fingers)

And I'm...

This is a problem. Wi-Winston.

New partner is working out great, man.

You know, we have a lot in common.

Both have cats, both partially blind... me, color, him, night.

Well, that sounds dangerous. Winston, listen to me.

We have some very serious police business here.

The bar has a flasher. A strange man is regularly showing Nick his funky soup bone.

I'm sure he doesn't even care.

I care about that greatly, Nick. I will be right there.

Whoa, partner.

Oh, oh, oh, my goodness. Hey, didn't see...

Seat's taken. the seat was taken there, Winston, I...

Yeah, I usually ride shotgun because I get motion sickness as a decision-maker.

Yeah, well, I lose all hand strength with absolutely no warning. Just...

Damn it.

Mm... I'm sorry, I'll be fast. Mm...

Mm...

Mm...

Time's up. It's a toss.

No, that was actually an award.

Toss. Next.

Jessica...

Now, okay, look, that hat has a very important memory.

Hey.

I-I'm sorry I'm so bad at doggy-style.

Do you really want to remember Sir Miss-A-Lot?

This is all important stuff from my single life.

I think I need to go through the pile again.

You know what, you're right. Let's go through everything again.

Can you just come with me to the hallway and take a look at a pile I made out there?

Oh, yeah, okay.

I just really appreciate it.

Mm-hmm.

I know you got a lot of work to do.

Yeah, so it's...

(gasps)

I have to finish packing so I can work on the binder!

You made me do this! I'm shutting this tiny door!

Jessica, open the door!

You're a terrible packer!

Jessica, open the door!

Your favorite team is the Green Bay... Not Packers.

Let me in, okay? Because, you know, if I'm out here too long, I'm gonna run into...

Hey, neighbor, you dig turtles?

It's not a big deal.

I've been flashed by, like, seven or eight different people since college.

What?

You guys have been flashed?

No.

Never.

Everybody's been flashed countless times, right?

No.

Oh, it's just me who's been flashed about 300 times?

What?

You guys have never been flashed?

No.

Never.

Not even on, like, holidays?

Both: No!

Not even, like, after the Olympics?

Hey, guys, I still can't find the bathroom.

Where did you guys say it was again?

This place is like a maze.

Dunston, it's... it's one big room, buddy.

Never mind. I don't have to go anymore.

No, no, no, no, you're fine, you're fine.

You've had, like, two tubs of soda. You-you need to go.

Yeah, I do have to go.

It's right back there to the left.

Okay.

Yeah, right past the pop...

Someone call about a flasher?

Oh.

Just responding to a call about a flasher.

Oh, yes. Uh, there is no need.

Dunston and I have got this, so...

Oh, how is Dunston?

Huh? I hear he's blind and weird.

No. No, he's great.

Ah.

Dunston gets it done... ston.

And that's how we win.. ston!

(laughing) Oh.

(laughing)

How are you?

Really good.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Hutch is one hell of a cop.

Hutch: I'm very strong.

Punch my stomach. Try.

I mean, I will.

It won't hurt.

(laughing): Okay.

It won't hurt.

(laughing): God.

Mm-hmm.

That's amazing.

Dunston. Bathroom.

Yeah?

Oh, that's right.

Dunston?

Ah.

Dunston?

No, I know.

(laughing)

You're in good hands.

I hope you're happy, too.

Great!

Great!

Great.

Great!

Somebody call the G8 Summit because I just felt the climate change.

I don't get that.

Hmm. Excuse me.

You know where the bathroom is?

It's not back here.

Right.

If you throw out one more thing, I am gonna hurl my body against the door!

Okay, fine, I am gonna do it.

I hope I don't hurt myself!

(crying): Ow!

You think I don't know those were hands?

That was a slap sound!

Yeah.

Okay, you're right, it's a slapping sound, but I-I think I overdid it and I really hurt my wrist.

It's, like, swelling.

I'm telling the truth, okay? It really hurts.

Just, can you please open the door?

And now my wrists are fine!

(screaming)

You snake! You rattlesnake!

Cece: Oh, my God, everything's gone.

Look, Cece, I know you're freaking out about leaving the apartment, but if you think of it like...

No. It's just, it's not just the apartment.

It's just... it's... it's all of it.

Everything is changing!

I'm not gonna have this place anymore, and I'm getting married.

(sighs)

Oh, my God, Jess, I'm getting married.

Are you having second thoughts?

No, no. I... I know I want to marry Schmidt more than anything in the world.

It's just... everything is gonna change, and I am scared.

Oh, honey.

Oh, my little breakfast link.

Okay, now, look, we don't have time for this.

Okay, you have to work on your binder.

(sighs)

Forget the binder.

Right now this is more important.

So you know what we're gonna do?

What?

We're gonna get into it!

I'm gonna take my pants off!

What? Why?

So, Nick, can you describe the suspect?

Mr. Miller, can you describe the suspect?

Uh, are you doing the interview, or...?

Oh, yeah, I'm usually the interview guy.

Oh, that's okay.

No, you can take it.

I'll take it, dude, if it's not a big deal.

Hey, well, it can be either...

No, I'm used to it, too, but you're used to it, so it's not a big deal for me.

Well, I mean, I'm used to it, but I'm open to new things.

Okay, yeah, but to the count of three.

Just-just-just please...

We're just gonna do it.

Both: One, two, three.

You do it.

I can... I'm gonna go.

He was average size, thin, wispy blond hair.

Oddly shaped, kind of came to a point.

Uh, what does that mean?

Top heavy.

A bit of a scar as if like from a hook or something.

Gross. Ugh. Uh, anything else?

I think that about does it. You want me to describe what his face and body looked like?

Yeah, that'd be... Wait.

Have you been describing his penis this whole time?

All right, that's it. I'm done.

I'm not even the one that called you guys.

Man!

And to be fair, I knew he was talking about a penis the whole time.

See?

That is way too real!

Aggressively detailed.

I had to guess on the testicles, 'cause he hadn't described 'em.

You know what it is? It's just that there's no turning back.

I mean, who am I when I leave this apartment?

"Mrs. Cece Schmidt?"

"Cece Schmidt" sounds like the mayor of an evil Swiss town.

(laughter) It does.

Oh, my God.

Did I tell you that Schmidt thinks that we should drop our last names and make up a new one?

He is currently, at the moment, leaning towards Zenith and Telluride.

I don't hate Telluride.

Getting married is just such a big leap.

You leap big all the time!

You moved here at 18 with nothing but a bunch of chokers.

Isn't it amazing?!

And it's mine.

Yeah, there's also a Kn*fe stuck in the wall.

Oh, look!

Someone left a spoon with some rock candy in it.

I wonder what flavor it is.

This is a way bigger leap.

(phone plays tune)

Ugh! Becky! You sloppy boob lizard!

Principal Cavatappi!

Oh, yeah, the binder. Yup, I've got it right...

...here.

(whispers): Where's the binder?

(gasps)

Um, yeah, uh, sorry. Uh...

Um, yeah, I've got it right here.

(whispering): Find it. Find it.

You packed it somewhere?!

Yeah, I can turn to page 13. Hold on.

Oh. Chuka.

Chuka, chuka, chuka.

Chuka.

(whispering): What is that?

That was a page-turning noise.

Chuka, chuka...

Um, yup, I see the graph.

Chuk, chuka, chuk, chuk!

Jess?

(sighs)

Do you remember Rosarito?!

We don't have much to go on, but I'll run your description.

Hopefully, Dunston wouldn't have spilled coffee all over the radio.

You know, he brews his own and drinks it out of a sandwich bag.

Schmidt: Winston, just call Aly and tell her that you want to be partners again.

Ugh. Look, guys, I...

I cannot.

I just cannot hear about Aly's boyfriend and his ass that don't quit, okay?

My ass don't quit! What about my ass?!

Winston, please call Aly.

Seriously, dude.

There he is.

Flasher: Hey, do you have any, uh...?

Freeze, buddy!

Oh, yeah, freeze!

Wait! Hey! (groans)

Oh.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

(grunting, thudding)

Yeah! Got him! (laughing)

All right! Dunston!

Oh, yes.

Yeah, man. I'm not normally the cuff guy, but I'll do it.

Yeah, me, either.

But I'll do it.

One size fits all, right?

Yeah, I guess it's...

Man, I just said, I'll be the cuff guy!

I'm not normally the cuff...

But, yeah, but if I'm not normally the...

Then if you're not... but I'm not normally.

Now, I'm doing...

Okay, okay, count of three. Count of three.

Who is the cuff guy? One.

All right. One.

Both: Two, three, four.

Five, six. See?

Five. Mm.

(overlapping chatter)

All right. Three.

Three.

Both: Two, one, zero, negative one. Damn it!

That...!

Winston, Dunston! Dunston!

Go! Hey!

(both grunt)

(sighs)

I got to say... he never comes in twice in a night.

I just hope he's okay.

I'm alarmed by how connected to this man you feel.

I just hope the best for him.

I am so dead.

If I don't find this binder, I'm gonna need a really good excuse. Oh, wait, Cece?

Mm.

Can you break my arm just a little bit?

No!

You're right. It's better if I do it myself.

Okay, you know what? Hey!

Hey, can I just throw something out there?

What if you quit?

I want to quit.

God, do I want to quit, but I can't! I can't!

You can quit. Because this Becky lady is making you miserable.

You were always someone who loved their job.

♪ It's my first day of teaching in L.A. ♪

♪ And I'm giving my job ♪

♪ A big fat "A..." ♪

You remember the last time I was unemployed?

I ran out of things to knit.

I knit a condom.

Oh, the yarn-dom.

I pray this was never used.

Okay, remember earlier when you told me to leap?

You should leap.

I don't leap.

I take small planned steps, like an arthritic dog.

Really?

The last listing is a loft downtown.

Bad area.

The ad just says it's "sunsoaked and beige-y."

I don't know. They seem like three nice girls.

And now I am marrying one of those girls and totally freaking out about it.

You know who you need to talk to, right?

Yes. Definitely. Winston.

No.

What the hell?

What?

I'm gone for two months, and all of a sudden Winston's a bridesmaid? Never mind.

You need to call Schmidt.

No.

No, I can't call him and tell him that I'm scared.

I think that that's what getting married is.

Sharing all this, all the things you're afraid of, all the things that embarrass you, weak doggy-style guy.

You got to call Schmidt.

All right.

(phone rings)

A voice call, Jess?

Let me guess, a family of ducks is crossing the street.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's me. It's me. Um, so... okay, um, I love you but I am freaking out about getting married.

Cece, what? What's-what's going on? What's happening?

Well, I just... I don't... I don't...

(phone chimes)

Oh, no. Um, Jess, it's Becky. It's Becky.

What-what-what do you want me to do?

What do I do? What do I do?

Don't answer it. Don't answer it.

What? Who's Becky? What's a Becky? What's happening?

(phone chiming)

Don't answer it.

Do not answer it.

I'm gonna answer it.

What?

Hello! Hi. Uh, yeah, so, this is Cece Parikh, and you are treating my friend very badly.

What? Put Jess on.

No, no, no, no. You are done using my friend, okay?

So she... quits.

I what?

She what?

I what?

That's right!

Jess quits!

Nailed it!

Oh, my God, the binder. It's under the couch.

No, no, no. We handled it.

It's our perp.

Aly, I want you back. I...

I-I want you back.

Are you trying to tell me something or doing a Jackson 5 song?

I miss having you as my partner.

(scoffs) Do you want to tell me why you left?

'Cause you never did. And, honestly, Winston, that really sucked.

I left because you hurt my feelings when you kept talking about...

You kept talking about...

...how much you hate my music. You know?

This is about your Pure Moods CD?

That's it. That's all. It's the only reason why I left.

Okay. I mean, that thing makes me wish I was born without the ability to hear music, but if it means that much to you, I'll listen to it.

I-I-I appreciate that.

Look, you're the only partner I want.

You make me... laugh and whatever.

I don't know. I suck at compliments.

Yeah.

Partners?

Partners.

Shake it. Don't just hold it.

Yeah. Sorry.

(panting)

I think that was Dunston.

How did he not see us?

No idea.

Oh, yeah, he's night-blind.

Dunston!

It's done. Everything you asked for.

And, Principal Cavatappi, I'm very sorry for what my friend said. I...

Oh, I know. I would never let you quit anyway.

Can you come up with some thoughts on the science curriculum for the superintendant and sign my name?

Yeah.

Sure. Yes.

You know what? No!

I can't. (chuckles) No.

Nope. Um, because I quit.

I hope you have a minor career setback, learn from it, relocate, and ultimately have a very nice life, Becky.

(groans)

Mmm.

Do I want to know this story?

(chuckles) I hope so, because we're about to spend the rest of our lives together.

So you're gonna have to hear all my stories.

I want to spend the rest of my life hearing all your stories.

Until, of course, my hearing goes out and I get tinnitus. Do you know Dave Letterman has tinnitus?

Um...

About-about what I said on the phone...

I'm a little freaked out, too.

You are?

Yes.

And it has nothing to do with how much I love you.

Exactly.

Or how much I want to get married.

Exactly.

We'll be scared together.

And we'll be really happy together, too.

And we'll be really annoyed together, knowing that we're living with three other people and a cat.

Also, I think there's another cat.

Winston's being very evasive about it, but...

Mmm.

It's a foster cat.

I think it's helping him get over the whole Aly thing.

I don't care.

Well, I guess this is it.

I thought Jess would be here, but... you know, okay, end of an era.

Yeah.

(quietly): Have you ever been here before?

This is maybe my second time.

I nursed my pippy back to health here.

(chuckling): Yeah. I remember.

All right. I'm gonna give you a minute.

Okay.

(sighs)

Jess: Cece, Cece, Cece.

Do you want to do the honors or should I?

Hmm... Go for it.

(exhales)

Cece: Okay. One, two, three.

(chuckles) We did it!

(chuckles)

Jess: Oh, my God, there's hair on the end!

(gasps) Put it back! Put it back!

(door opens)

(sniffles)

Jess: Do you speak Russian?

Cece: Nope.