05x14 - 300 Feet

[bunniefuu]

Ugh! Son of a bitch. Nothing.

I'm trying to get in touch with Sam... you know, to clear the air...

Get out of my life.

Why isn't he responding?

I'm just gonna go out on a crazy limb here... maybe it's because you got his girlfriend to dump him?

I'm not being weird about it.

I just texted him three times.

(sighs, groans)

And I called him.

He wasn't there.

I left him a sensible voice mail.

To lighten the mood, I told a little story about how the first-graders' pet rabbit got stuck in the lawn mower and I had to...

I had to collect it.

That's a terrible story.

Colonel FlapEars?

Wow.

Unbelievable.

I had to park two blocks away, like an animal.

The new bar, Presh, is doing valet and they took all of our spots.

I've been saying for months that we need valet.

Is there anything sexier than tossing your keys in the general direction of someone you care nothing about?

"Keep it running."

Hi. I'm looking for Jessica Day.

Oh, right here. You've just been served.

What?!

What?

(gasps) A restraining order?!

From Sam.

Oof...

I'm not a restraining order person.

A restraining order. That's worse than herpes.

When I find Sam... (laughs)

I'm gonna k*ll him.

You can't find Sam.

'Cause you have a restraining order.

Winston. You have to help me with this.

Sam is the only one who can drop this charge.

But the magic of a restraining order is that you can't talk to him.

And that... that is human drama.

(indistinct chatter)

Schmidt: Wow.

Tasteful, hip...

I mean, nothing matches, yet nothing is random.

That's just a framed toupee on the wall and it friggin' works.

Cece: What are these bartenders wearing?

They look like Civil w*r surgeons.

This is a very professional establishment.

Let me do the talking.

You don't think I talk professional good?

You don't think I professional talk good?

What am I saying weird there?

You speak poorly, professionally.

Okay.

Hey, hey. I'm Connie, the owner.

You're the nutmeg wholesaler?

Me? No, I'm not the nutmeg wholesaler.

You have a nutmeg wholesaler vibe.

That's what it is.

I've been trying to figure it out for years.

You totally look like a nutmeg wholesaler.

Me no nutmeg...

Connie: How can I help you?

Connie, hello.

Very nice to meet you.

We are both local entrepreneurs, as you are.

Uh, we co-own the bar up the street, and there is a business situation that we would like to bring to your attention...

Yeah, your stupid valet is taking all the spots in front of our bar, and it's time for it to come to an end.

It's not sittin' well with us folks over at the Griffin.

What's a griffin?

What is... wait, what is the Griffin?

The Griffin is the name of the bar that we own together, you buffoon.

You don't know the name of our bar?

Why don't we...

We don't have a sign. We should have a sign.

Is this the time for this?

I feel like this is a conversation I don't need to be a part of.

My valet is totally legal.

But thanks for stopping by.

Maybe, you know, maybe I'll stop by your bar.

I'll just, like, knock on doors until... until I find you.

Uh, please don't leave. Pl...

Okay, leave. We'll d-discuss this...

I don't like this woman.

Hey, uh, where should I put this, uh, nutmeg?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

The lady's name is Connie.

She's o-over that way.

I'm here to overturn a restraining order.

I brought lots of excellent character references.

In the words of Ms. Cheryl Riggins of Portland, Oregon: "When the school sewage line broke, Jessica was the only student who rolled up her sleeves, grabbed a pail and went to work. She should be tested for hepatitis immediately. Immediately."

That's not the one...

Uh, sorry about that, Riggs.

Uh, Jessica, you better be here because you wrote a song you wanted me to listen to.

I just don't get why Sam would do this.

I'm not dangerous.

Hey.

Friend face. That was cute.

Cop face. Girl, sit yo' ass down.

And use the word "allegedly" when discussing Sam.

I do not need Internal Affairs crawling all up in my holes.

What if I typed up a note and left it on his car?

Oh, you stop it, Jess.

Yeah, but I...

Let it lie.

Okay.

No letters.

Jess: This would've been a better plan if I knew what he drives.

(sighs) A lot of black cars.

Cars should have people's names on them.

Ugh, it's so stupid.

(Sam speaking indistinctly)

(car alarm beeping)

(grunts)

Sam: Well, have a good one.

See you later.

See you tomorrow.

No. No.

Sam drives a truck?

(engine starts)

Oh, geez, oh, geez, oh, geez, oh, geez.

Well, this is not my fault.

Hey, Jess, I'm at work.

Is this a cop situation or a friend situation?

Both. What would you say if I told you I was in the bed of Sam's pickup?

Allegedly.

I said "allegedly."

Okay, good. So you're not in the back of a truck.

No, I am.

I'm-I'm, I am "allegedly" in-in Sam's truck.

Jess, you seem to be confused. Here's how it works.

Um, allegedly, Ferguson and I are eating pasta in a hot air balloon. Realistically...

Winston, I'm in the back of Sam's truck right now.

I wanted Sam to know that I'm not crazy.

Wait, shh, he's changing his music.

♪ Can't keep my hands to myself... ♪

Selena Gomez, interesting.

Ugh. (grunting)

Jess, what is happening right now?

(voice vibrating)

Cece: Connie, with her fancy cocktails.

I can make a fancy cocktail.

Sure you can.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?

What the hell is all this stuff?

We need to make some... some real improvements around here, if we're gonna compete with Presh.

Improvements?!

Just minor tweaks, okay?

Like a jukebox that doesn't catch fire sometimes.

Separate olive and cherry trays.

A toilet that flushes down and not up.

Okay, that's an attraction and a lot of our customers actually like that.

Why are you so eager to change our bar?

We should be ruining their bar.

We should cut their power.

We should paint a door where there isn't a door.

We're not talented enough to paint a realistic door, Nick.

All right, okay. Try this.

I call it "Whiskey Business," but surprise!

There's vodka in that.

Boom.

Thank you, honey.

(gagging)

Come on.

(clears throat)

It's a little chunky.

(clears throat)

Tastes like loose chili, a little bit.

(sighs) Yeah, I'm gonna go get some fresher ingredients.

Okay, you do that, hon. (retching)

Can we please stop competing with these fad bars?

I hate fads, man.

Nick, just a small little piece of important, friendly advice: you need to give your Ds more emphasis.

Fads.

What I said.

You're gonna get yourself in trouble.

By hating fads?

That's... maybe just change it to "trendy" bars.

Or "hip" bars.

We need to stop competing with trendy, hip fad bars?

(sighs)

Okay.

All right. I need a drink.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Somebody cut our soda.

Oh, my God, who would do such a thing?

It's Connie, Schmidt.

Well, how would she have gotten in here?

I mean, she couldn't...

She took our bubbles, Schmidt!

We have to retaliate.

What do we look like, Tonya Harding's henchmen?

Who am I, Jeff Gillooly?

Either you care enough about this bar to fight for it, or you don't.

Because I care enough. I'll fight.

Let's do this. What are we gonna do?

We're gonna hit her where it hurts.

I'm in.

Not the vag*na.

We're gonna go after the bar.

Uh, yes, that's ri... N... There was not even a single part of me that thought you were talking about the vag*na.

The bar.

The b...

Yes, the...

All right, I'm gonna take over the plan.

Good. Yeah, good.

It was getting on top of me.

(whispering loudly): Winston, sorry.

Sorry, I hit some potholes, and then we got on the freeway, and then some schoolkids started throwing pencils at me, (bell rings) then we passed a cop, and I had to pretend to be a mannequin.

What is that noise?

Hang on a second, Winston.

(gasps) Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(bell rings)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Where are you? What is that...?

Aah!

(grunts)

Jess: Winston, can you hear me?

Jess, I can't hear you!

Winston?!

I can't... Are you okay?

What is happening right now?

♪ The bed's getting cold, and you're not here... ♪

Winston: Hello, Jess?

♪ The future that we hold is so unclear... ♪

Winston: ...can hear me, listen to me now...

Ow, ow, ow.

♪ Shining like stars and screaming... ♪

(coughing) Winston!

Winston, help!

♪ But then you disappear and make me wait... ♪

I need all units! Send all units!

(gasps)

(bell rings)

Jess: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Ow, ow, ow.

♪ Baby, baby, no, I can't escape... ♪

(Jess screams)

So this is how I die!

♪ The future that we hold is so unclear ♪ (spits, mutters)

♪ But I'm not alive ♪

(screams)

♪ Reasons why... ♪

(screams)

I'm not crazy!

(Sam screams)

♪ Save your advice... ♪

(laughs) That was great.

Just like I envisioned it.

Connie cut our soda line.

So we take a fish, and we put it in the vents of her restaurant bar.

The whole place is gonna smell like a whale's ass.

Not just any fish either.

A branzino. You know...

Freaking branzino.

She thinks she's hip and classy.

Wait till she tangles with the most highly regarded table fish in all the world.

I was trying to cut a runaway olive, and I cut the soda line.

(scoffs)

Why? Why'd you...?

I-I didn't think you'd actually notice, to be honest with you.

What are we going to do now?

Deny, deny, deny.

There's no way she'll know it's us.

Oh, hey, guys. I just came by to return your fish.

I've never seen that fish before in my life.

Ooh, is that a branzino?

Whoever bought that fish has impeccable taste.

Nick: I mean, I guess they kind of look like...

Nah, that doesn't even... No, that's...

Really?

Yeah, good luck finding those guys.

Of course it's us, you idiot.

Why'd you admit it?!

Schmidt: We're right there!

We might as well be wearing name tags!

You're so stupid, man.

You're so stupid, moron.

You're a bad guy to partner up in this stuff.

Schmidt: Give us a chance to, first, apologize and, second, give you a little bit of context here.

You see, (chuckles) we thought that you att*cked our bar.

Why would I att*ck a bar that has no one in it?

And if I did want to att*ck you, I would just report you for one of your numerous health code violations.

Some improvements definitely need to be made.

We... we found a dead fox in the keg room the other week.

We're not sure it was a fox.

Uh, it was an animal that had d*ed in our keg room that was bigger than a cat but smaller than a big dog...

A word of advice: do not mess with me.

This past year has been the worst year of my life.

First, my cat d*ed.

Then my husband left me for our neighbor, and so I had to listen to them having sex through our bedroom wall every single night.

And then he left my neighbor for my mother, which is, like, a very long story that I don't really want to get into.

Then my other cat d*ed.

Then I ran over a dog while I was driving to the vet with our dead cat on my lap.

You guys messed with my business... now I'm gonna have to destroy you.

If I may... ask... how and when you're planning on destroying us.

Any information would be... would be greatly appreciated.

Yeah, 'cause then we could prepare for it a little bit.

It's gonna be soon.

And when you least expect it.

That's something.

Thank...

You followed me into a car wash!

That is so not...

Okay, I have a...

What I want to say to you...

I have a lot of things I want to say to you.

I have a restraining order against you.

I'm not dangerous, and you don't need to be afraid of me.

Clearly.

Okay, (sighs) well, I guess, um... nice seeing you.

I'm gonna get to my next engagement.

Where are we, by the way?

I'll just check my little... my little thing.

It's actually not functioning.

(groaning)

Old gal got a little bit wet.

Eh, feed it to the birds.

(laughs)

(clank)

Oh! Oh...

That got me.

Yeah, that got me.

(breathing deeply): Oh, I'm just gonna rest for a second.

Get in the car.

Damn it.

Yeah, I get it.

It's too sad to watch.

♪

Clear.

Schmidt: Clear.

There are no signs of foul play back here.

Also, I feel fantastic.

That's because you're very drunk, Cece.

You're supposed to be spitting them out.

How would she poison our booze anyway?

We've been here the entire time.

Who knows?

You saw how intense she was.

We're at a state of high alert.

And, frankly, I don't trust your coat.

It's too warm to wear a coat like that.

Unless you're hiding a fish. You hiding a fish?

All I got's a chicken.

Okay, don't trust you.

Out you go.

Thanks for coming in again, Eric.

(scoffs) This bar is outrageous.

I'm so sorry it's not like your favorite bar, Presh.

You know my favorite bar is Heshe's Tango in Phuket.

Their coconut mojitos literally gave me an orgasm.

I had to buy new pants.

(mimicking): "I love Presh.

Presh has napkins and... walnuts."

Is that meant to be me?

No, I'm doing a spot-on Winston.

Because I do not talk like that.

Do you even like the Griffin?

What is the Gri...?

Are you kidding me?

It's... uh, the Griffin's our bar.

I knew that.

He loves it!

What the hell are you talking about, you booze hound?

We lost her a long time ago.

Cece, honey, drink some water, okay?

Nope.

Hey, man, do you know how hard I have worked at this bar in the past year?

I've k*lled myself for this place.

A year ago, we were in a sinkhole.

We were in the red.

But now, because of me, because of my work, we're in the white.

What's "the white"?

The white. Breaking even.

Oh, we're breaking even?

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

How wonderful. And let's just stop there.

Where will we invest our extra zero percent?

I know, how about in the toilet?

The same toilet that flushes upwards.

Wait! What if this... this was Connie's plan the entire time?

Okay, she knew we would be so paranoid that we would drive all the customers out of the bar and start fighting with each other.

Connie emptied this entire bar without lifting a finger.

Nick, you may not like her, but you must admit she is brilliant.

I don't have to admit that.

But I will say you've made something crystal clear.

I'm alone.

I'm all alone.

Oh, here we go.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna handle this myself, all alone.

I'm gonna call a meeting of the families...

Oh, Lord.

...a sit-down with all the businesses on the block, and you are not invited.

Okay, fine.

Shh.

Just take the rejection.

Hi. Oh, you guys open?

Yeah, yeah, we are. What can I get you to drink?

Ah, no, nothing.

I'm just here to see the "up" toilet.

Yeah, you are.

Look, I just want you to know, when you drop me off, that's it... I'm... not bothering you ever again.

Good.

I just want to say one thing...

Please stop talking.

(horn blaring)

Oh! Geez!

(Jess screaming)

(both screaming)

Aah!

(breathing deeply)

Get out. I'm calling you a car... out!

Sam, you were right to take a restraining order against me because, ever since I saw you again, I can't stop thinking about you.

♪

I'm not the girl you used to know.

I'm really together now.

I know I just went through a car wash, but...

♪

I'm still very mad at you.

As you should be.

You taste like soap.

I feel like I'm on Grey's Anatomy in these scrubs.

I don't know what that means.

Oh.

300 feet away from each other... now!

No! We figured it out.

Jessica Day, take your hands off of this man.

Dr. Sam (friend face): good to see you.

(Cop face): 300 feet away from her.

When did you become a cop, dude?

Oh, not too long ago.

Congrats.

Thank you. I appreciate that. It's nothing, you know.

I get to do a lot of cool stuff on the job.

I once slid across the hood of a car.

I scratched it all up.

I didn't have to pay for it, you know.

'Cause I'm a cop, so...

(Winston laughs)

300 feet away.

I've gathered the families here today, to end this terrible, terrible, unnecessary w*r.

So, thank you.

Connie and I have had our battles, but today we make our peace.

She's of the north.

She's the owner of Presh.

What is this?

I only came because you said you were suing me for what I did, which, by the way, was nothing.

I lied to ensure your presence.

Good Lord.

Over here, we have Peter Verrebian.

(muffled): Yes.

Nick: Enjoying the pasta.

He is also the owner of Produce-slash-

Cold Beer-slash-Ice.

Peter, I know that's what the sign above your market says.

Is that the name of your establishment?

Yes.

Very creative.

Oh, and AnaLysa from AnaLysa's Nails wanted to be here, but she couldn't find somebody to cover her register.

And if you've ever gone in that place, it's messy.

Like, it's not a great... establishment.

How did things get this far, everybody?

This is so weird.

Thank you for the spaghetti.

Wasn't that a nice thing to say?

I wish we were all so polite.

Schmidt: I'd like to say something.

I don't need you here, Schmidt.

Connie... you know, Presh may have booths made of reclaimed wood and carefully curated artisanal flatware... but this bar will have something that your fancy place will never have.

What's that?

Nick Miller.

Oh. Well.

No, we'll never have that.

Of course I'm proud that this bar breaks even, but I think that you can do better than that.

I didn't just invest in this bar, Nick.

I invested in you.

No, you didn't.

You don't have equity in me, and we're...

I get it.

Hey, Connie... yours isn't the only bar on the block that has valet, starting immediately.

(sniffling quietly)

We have valet, kiddo.

You got valet.

(voice breaking): You got valet.

This is beautiful.

The valet's yours. The valet's yours.

Um... are they in love?

Yes. Very much so.

Okay. Hey, guys, um... let's just call a truce and end this.

If nothing else, so I can stop dealing with you.

I'll drink to that.

You got it.

Connie (sighing deeply): Okay.

A toast?

To us. Salud!

Okay.

This is good. This is really good.

Uh, yeah. My buddy Andy makes it in his basement.

I'm not allowed to say anything else about it, though.

Wow, I'm not kidding.

I think this is the best whiskey that I've ever had.

You want to go out with me sometime?

What? No. No.

No, no, no. Never.

Never.

Nick: But the whole back and forth with, like, the fish and getting mad at each other...

Never. Never.

When you came back and threw the fish down...?

Nothing...?

Where did you get there, from "I like this whiskey" to...?

What the hell was that?

You know what? Let it go. Let it go.

This was, this is my mistake. It was a misread...

I would sooner make love to Peter and his mouthful of spaghetti.

(smacking): Pass.

Okay, Peter.

Cheers.

Winston: 298, 299...

Watch out for the lamp.

And that's 300, right there. Wait here.

I'm dropping the restraining order. This isn't necessary.

I'll determine what's necessary; I'm a cop.

Stop! There's no more restraining order.

And no more cop face.

Girl, this is my friend face.

Honestly, I can't tell the difference.

Well, there is no difference.

That's why I have to announce it.

And as your friend, Winston, I just want to make sure that you two have thought things through.

That you're not rushing into things, you know?

You don't hurt each other again.

I'm thinking, maybe, as your friend, maybe... you should be restraining yourselves.

Because of the restraining order?

Look, we've grown up a lot.

We've made mistakes and we've learned from them.

Jess, nobody takes out a restraining order unless they think that they're in danger.

Winston's right.

What?

You're dangerous.

I mean, you're dangerous to me.

You want to know why I got the restraining order?

(inhales deeply)

'Cause I couldn't stop thinking about you either.

I didn't trust myself not to call you and start this whole thing up again.

You know, you-you've changed, Jess, and that's great, I just... I haven't.

And I'm still mad at you and... that's gonna take some time.

I think the, uh, best, smartest thing for us to do is to just... (inhales) say good-bye.

(sighs heavily)

What does Selena Gomez always say?

"Take your things and go..."

The lyric is, "Take away your things and go."

"Take your things away and go... Take away your things and go..."

"Take away your things and go."

Yeah.

Yes.

Good-bye, Jess.

Good-bye, Sam.

That's enough.

Winston: Wow.

Powerful stuff. (wry chuckle)

But I think we both know that it was for the best.

(door shuts)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been dealing with this all day and I got some chores to get done.

Cat box to clean, juice to popsicle-ize...

♪

Sam!

Sam, wait! Wait!

Sam! Sam! Hi.

Look, I want to say I lied.

I said that I've grown up; I don't know that I have.

I just said that 'cause it sounded good.

Get in.

♪ And now I see that you're... ♪

Oh, are we crazy?

Yes!

♪ Now I see... ♪

Oh. Ow! Sorry.

Ow. Yeah, yeah.

No. Sorry. No. Sorry.

Let me get this through the steering wheel here.

Kiss my neck while I get the steering wheel.

(horns honking)

Over there.

Aah!

(Jess laughs)

Woman: Hello!

Quite a bit of traffic building up back there.

Man: Beep-beep! Come on!

They can wait.

(horns honking)

Man 2: Hurry up! Let's go!

Woman: Get a room!

Actually, I... I really feel bad for them.

They're all... they have to get somewhere, too.

They're getting a bit angry.

Jess: Yeah, okay. Let's go to your place.