07x08 - Engram Pattersky

I can't believe we still haven't told them.

I guess it just was never the right time.

Well, I guess we're simply out of time.

(phone rings)

- You're on with Schmidt and Cece.
- Ruth's on!

JESS: Hey, you're on with Jess and Nick. I'm patching in

Winston, Aly and Dan Bill.

Are we really calling him Dan Bill?

It sounds like a weird town in Connecticut.

It's their child. Their mistake to make, okay?

- (Muzak playing)
- Mm. That's a nice touch.

CECE: Yeah, good vibe, good vibe.

- Hella?
- JESS: It's Jess and Nick.

- I'm patching in Schmidt, Cece and Ruth.
- (beeps)

Cece, Schmidt and Ruth, you're on with Jess, Nick,

Winston, Aly and Dan Bill.

- Hey, Jess, Nick, Dan Bill...
- Hey, Winston, Dan Bill...

- Winston and Aly.
- Jess and Nick.

Who are these people?

Hey, Schmidt, Cece, Ruth, Jess and Nick.

JESS: Guys, I only have the strength

to say this once.

Here I go.

Oh, God, how do I put this into words?

Okay, make it quick, 'cause my phone is at four percent,

and Ruth has turned my charger into a very sensible belt.

Schmidt, just switch your phone to low battery mode.

It really lengthens battery life.

How do you do that? Walk me through it.

- Go to Utilities.
- No, no, Settings. Go to Settings.

Okay, well, I'm-I'm in Settings.

- Guys, please...
- Oh, shoot. Now I'm at three percent.

I have something important to say!

WINSTON: And then, uh, open your Control Center.

- Battery. Select Battery.
- Enough!

- Oh, no, I got it.
- Jess has something really important
to say, so everybody shut up!

Jess, go ahead.

(groans)
I can't tell you this over the phone.

Get over here before it's too late.

She can tell you, she can tell you. Go ahead.

- Bye.
- Oh! What a waste of...

Good job.

- What is it?
- You're getting divorced?

Well, that lasted a month.

What? No! Jess, go ahead.

I hate to be the bearer of truly terrible news...

Jess, can you please tell us? I'm so scared.

You should be. This is...

(sighs) this is life-changing stuff.

Brace yourselves.

Nick and I are...

moving out of the loft.

- That's it?
- Okay.

SCHMIDT: That's what you called us here for?

Why do you always think like a character

- in The Baby-Sitters Club?
- (Cece sighs)

Okay, okay, you guys process this
however you need to.

You're probably wondering why we would ever move out

- in the first place.
- Yeah, honey, you should've moved out

when the elevator plunged into the basement

- and killed the mailman.
- We got an eviction notice.

They're kicking us out in hours.

Some evil company called Engram Pattersky Management Group

bought the building.

Yeah, they're kicking us out on our... "too-tookuses."

You trying to say "tuchases"?

"Tuchaseses."

- "Tuchas"?
- "Tookases."

Luckily, Nick and I found a very nice two-bedroom

with a lovely reading nook. That doesn't matter.

The point is, we're moving out tomorrow,

and I know how much this place means to you guys, so...

whatever you're thinking or feeling,

I want you to get it out.

So whoever wants to go first...

Okay, I don't think you guys fully heard me.

(chuckles) So I'm gonna say it again.

Nick and I are m...

...moving out of the loft.

Okay, if you're moving out tomorrow,

why have you not packed yet?

Don't packing-shame us!
We're well on our way.

We got four boxes right there.

I ran out of tape, so I started using glue.

We'll see how it holds up.

Cool. Anyway, uh, I'm taking off.

Hey, let me know when you have the housewarming

for your new place. I'll bring the succulents.

You never brought us succulents. We love succulents.

Ah, you got me. I don't know what a succulent is.

I just said that so I can get the hell out of here. (chuckles)

But I really do got

to get going. It's my turn to nurse the baby.

- How does he...
- It's a whole thing.

Wow, you guys are in so much denial. You're so upset

by this news that you're distracting yourself

with nonsense like-like succulents and newborn babies.

Uh, we left Ruth with our neighbor's stepson, Yonk,

so we're gonna go.

CECE: Yeah, honey, we're not in denial, okay?

We've just done everything we need to do in this loft.

We're ready to say good-bye.

Right. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, Cece, you're right. You're totally right. You're all...

totally right.

Or are you wrong?!

Nobody leaves until we celebrate this place!

(groaning)

Okay? So call your sitters, call your babies,

get all your affairs in order.

I'm gonna go open a bottle of wine. Pink okay?

Well, I guess I'll call Yonk and tell him to get cozy.

- (groans)
- Ugh, I can hear Yonk now.

(with accent): "Mr. Schmidt, I got thirsty.

I drank all your coconut water."

Freakin' Yonk.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, why are we hiding in your office?

Because, guys, look, I love my wife.

You guys know that I love my wife. But she's clearly going

through something about us leaving the loft. It's like...

it's like she's having a really hard time getting her mouth

around the sandwich, do you know what I mean?

If you guys want to get out of here, which I know you do,

then you will laugh when she says laugh,

you will cry when she says cry,

and in between, we're gonna pack.

I really miss the old days when I would just drop in

every now and then and pick up a suitcase or something.

I only have the moving truck for hours.

If I go one minute over,

those bastards will charge me for a whole nother day.

If you get a whole nother day, might as well get a second week.

You get a second week, you might as well buy the truck,

'cause you're livin' in it, Charlie! You live in a mo...

The point I'm trying to make is we need to pack right now.

I love packing.

You wouldn't believe how good I am

at fitting multiple things into small spaces.

- I'm a bento box boy.
- (chuckling)

- What's in that box?
- What?

What's the box that says "gross stuff," man?

Jessica's underpants.

SCHMIDT: You have Jess's panties in a box?

Well, while I'm delighted

that you have a box...

labeled "gross stuff" of your wife's...

undergarments, uh,

I also feel like you may be lying to me.

JESS: Yoo-hoo, guys! Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-frickin'-hoo!

Just remember, if you want to get out of here, play along.

♪ ♪

Behold!

Objects from your past to make you remember and...

Oh, God, the chair is still spinning. Oh, my God.

You guys, I'm on a dolly.

I'm on a greased up dolly, and I'm holding fire.

Guys, guys, guys, guys...

If we scatter now, one of us can get out

and bring help for the rest.

Take in the memories.

Let these objects be the milkshake

that bring your memory boys to the emotion yard.

- I swore we threw all this stuff away.
- Wow, I can't believe you

- saved all this stuff. How cool is that?
- But we're really happy it's back.

- We're all really happy. Thank you.
- Yeah.

I knew you guys needed to say good-bye.

(chuckles) Isn't it amazing how easy it is

to do the right thing when you have no other alternative?

Totally. (chuckles)

Like this.

Ah, the old loft candy dish.

(inhales deeply)

That's the cast from when I broke my pen1s.

(screams) Shut up!

You know, most people wouldn't want to revisit

some of the more painful moments in their lives, but,

you know what, Jess, thank you for this, 'cause I do.

- Thank you.
- Oh, Schmidt, you take that.

- (stammers)
- You're gonna want it.

Honestly, it's your pen1s. You earned it.

- Put it in your purse.
- Excuse me?

- Go put it in your purse.
- I am not putting it in my purse.

- Please, Cece, just put it in your purse.
- I am not gonna go put it...

- We'll just leave it here.
- We'll put it right there.

Remember this?

- NICK: Oh! Looks just like us!
- (Cece laughs)

- We always pose like that.
- Can we talk about those skin tones?

Oh, Nick, this one is so special.

- WINSTON: Wow.
- The wand I used to fix the, uh,

garbage disposal. That one time.

(voice breaking):
Did we find the garbage wand

or did the garbage wand find us?

I remember the day I found it. I thought,

"Free stick."

- Ha!
- Then I brought it home,

and it fit into the sink hole.

- Mm.
- And somewhere along

the way, it fixed my heart hole.

- It fixed your heart hole?
- So, thank you, stick.

- SCHMIDT: Okay.
- CECE: I have a tear.

- WINSTON: That about sums it up.
- Yeah.

Jess, I will never,

ever forget the night that you brought us

all together to show us a bunch of our old trash.

- CECE: We should let you pack.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so...

- No!
- Huh?

No one's going anywhere.

We're gonna do all the things in the loft

that we haven't done before.

- Like what?
- (scoffs)

I can't believe we've never all stood out

on the balcony together.

You know who else liked balconies? Hitler.

Let's go inside. Let's do more things.

I can't believe you've never cleaned the oven, Cece.

I think, I think if we just do this,

and this, and turn it up real high...

I heard that that could work.

Yeah. What else should we do?

We could all just pack and move Jess and I

out of the loft; we've never done that.

It's a joke. It's a joke for sentimentals.

- It's a sentimental joke.
- Oh. I know.

Th-This is a big one.

You know, I've never looked around the corner,

in the hallway past the bathroom. Like, what's over there?

Oh my God, what is over there?

- What is over there?
- Yeah.

- Whose team are you on?
- I play for myself.

It's just a wall.

My turn. Cece and I need to use the urinals.

Follow me.

Oh, n-n-no, no, no, no, no.

You just opened Pantera's box.

We do not have time for this right now.

We will get in...

Peppermint lotion?

It's for your feet.

Yay. I love it.

I knew it!

- Nailed it.
- Great gift.

Oh, I'm gonna get you one every year.

And we're gonna be best friends forever.

I just met you, like, a week ago.

Uh, just 'cause it says "peppermint,"

non-edible.

I never would have thought to eat this lotion.

Nicholas, I have been giving you that lotion

- every year since we met.
- I know.

I wanted you to experience soft feet for once in your life,

- and you... and you lied to me.
- What did you want me to do?

I had just met you when you first gave it to me.

Then you actually gave me the lotion again the following year.

And the lie got on top of me. And now I got all these bottles

of lotion and I don't even know how to do this stuff.

You don't know how to "do" foot lotion?

What if I put it on and my feet get...

I don't know, too wet and creamy?

Has everything been a lie? Has this whole relationship...?

Don't call it a relationship, it's a friendship.

Don't belittle what we have by calling it a friendship.

- No, please.
- Oh, we don't love each other in Chicago.

We're just friends.

Please, just get over this and help me pack.

Sure. You've lied to me for years,

but let's just ignore it so I can help you pack

while humoring your wife

- pretending to care.
- JESS: What?

You guys were humoring me?

Nick, you told everyone to pretend to care?

Jess, it's not about that. It's about the truck.

I didn't want to go a minute over the hours,

because then I, you know, I need to pay for a second day.

Jess.

Wait, Jess. I'm sorry.

You guys were just playing along with this?

I thought you were just starting to feel something.

Wait. Am I the one who's in denial about leaving this place?

Ugh, you sweet, goblin-eyed dum-dum.

CECE: Babe, I think the rest of us

have already made peace with this.

No, I get it.

I'm not mad. I just...

People live together in apartments all the time.

And you guys have lives and kids.

And this is just a place.

But to me, this is the place where I met all of you.

- And that's...
- (sighs)

...that's the best thing that...

that ever happened to me, so...

Consider yourselves freed.

The lock never really worked, anyway.

Put that down.

We are not going anywhere.

Yeah, we're gonna say good-bye all day.

All day.

- All day!
- What?

- That's not it.
- You don't say it like that.

It's like, all day.

- All...
- All day!

Guys, second day

- of a moving truck on me.
- CECE: There we go.

- SCHMIDT: That's a big step.
- Thank you.

But I'm not doing the insurance. I won't do it. I can't do it.

- It's a rip-off. It's a freakin' rip-off.
- Chill, chill, bro.

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's your favorite bitch, Jess

Hang on to your privates 'cause I'm

On emotional fy-ahh

(imitates guitar)

Don't look so surprised, guys.

- You knew what this was.
- (vocalizing)

WINSTON: Ah, we had some times here

- Mmm.
- I mean this, right here,

right where I'm sitting, is the exact spot

that I realized: I should have less salt in my diet.

I should have less salt in my diet.

That's beautiful, man. Stay healthy, baby.

- Good memories.
- Oh, my God.

This is the spot, where, for the weirdest minute of my life,

I was super attracted to Winston.

- No.
- We've all been there.

It was my swimmer's body.

Ooh. Ooh, hey.

Yeah, they got me on bike duty today.

My hammies need to get into some jammies

because they are rock-hard.

- Yes.
- (sultry music plays)

(echoes): Oh, yeah. That's good stuff.

You feel that? You hear that? Yeah.

- Oh!
- No!

Oh, it went away pretty quick.

(shrieks)

I tore my anus.

I tore my anus. Oh.

I was sitting right here when I first introduced you guys

to my hilarious baby voice.

Uh-oh, look who just woke up.

(high-pitched): I'm a baby.

I'm a baby

and I need my milkie. Where's my Ba-ba?

- What are you doing?
- Put that baby away.

Babies can't talk. It's inherently flawed.

And that's where I met you for the first time.

- Aw.
- I remember you said

that was one of your top five boners of all time.

Do you remember you used to rank them?

- Be quiet.
- It's just foot lotion.

And right over there is where Cece and I

had our first mess around.

What? Don't tell them.

It's time for the mess around

to become the confess around.

- ♪ Ain't nobody
- ♪ Nobody ♪

- ♪ Loves me better
- ♪ Loves me better

- ♪ Makes me happy
- (wood cracks)

- ♪ Makes me feel this way
- ♪ Nobody

- ♪ Ain't nobody
- ♪ Ain't nobody

Wait, wait, wait.

Is that a paper plate covered with brown marker to look like floor?

- Yeah.
- That's what that is.

- Yeah, yeah. Hmm?
- Cece?

If you weren't wearing those dumb-ass shoes,

and I hadn't just gotten that new dope Chaka Khan CD-ROM...

- It was dope as hell.
- You would not have become my girl.

- Babe.
- Babe. Don't.

- Babe.
- Babe. You better stop.

- Babe. Babe.
- Mmm. Mm-mmm.

No. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna cry.

There' no point. Nobody said nothing about no crying.

- That's not what this is.
- No, no crying.

(exhales deeply)

Wait. Where is Nick?

Clearly, he doesn't like all of this emotion.

He doesn't have a heart in that butter tub

he calls a body anyway.

- He doesn't care about spots.
- NICK: I'm in here!

You think I don't got spots? I got spots.

"Have." Have spots.

Sorry. Go, keep go...

This spot right here is where my best friend Schmidt and I

moved a couch in.

That happened in the living room, Nick.

I know, I just don't want to get up.

You got it? You got it?

I got it. I'm good, I'm good, I'm cool.

- (grunts)
- I got it.

Houston, we got an "I got it."

(grunts)

Sheesh.

Sitting pretty close to each other,

- don't you think?
- Oh, sorry.

Thanks.

Lot of cool stuff's gonna happen in this loft, huh?

You're telling me, man.

What do you think's gonna happen here in the next...

chunk of our lives?

I don't know. I meet a nice lady.

She wants to have a baby with me.

What does she look like?

- Sexy.
- (laughs)

Keep going. Right off the jack.

Just, like, you know, like, shows up,

but, like, casually.

- You know what I mean? Like...
- Yeah.

wearing a beanie and, like, a little hoodie.

You know what I mean?

Like, sort of, like, an orangish-red hoodie.

(chuckles)

Anyway, man, I just wanted to say, uh...

Oh.

...all thanks.

I'm done.

Well, it's just lotion. It ain't gonna hurt you, now.

(chuckles) Yeah, go ahead. Slap it in there.

Wow, it's so frickin' creamy.

This is what I've been telling you.

It's really cool.

- It actually kind of feels nice.
- (Jess chuckles)

I mean, I got to say, I really like foot lotion.

Thank you.

They should make more foot lotion for your hand.

Foot lotion hand.

Or... foot-lotion hand.

I don't know.

You should use this for elbows.

You should use lotion for dry parts of your skin.

(chuckles)

It's really creamy.

For the first time in my life,

I realize my feet could be more than weapons.

I love you, man.

Oh, yeah, that's...

Well, yeah, man. I, uh...

(whispering): Is he gonna finally say it?

Guys, don't-don't put any pressure on him.

No, what? Dude, you're not putting pressure on me.

- It's something I want to say.
- You don't have to say it.

I don't need to say anything. I want to say it.

- You never said it before.
- I love you, man.

- Yes! (laughs)
- Are you kidding me right now?

- Go, Nick!
- Are you kidding me?

- I love you, man. We're buddies.
- JESS: Yes!

CECE: Really?

Oh, my feet are so creamy.

You were right. This is what it means

to have soft feet, buddy.

Well, I feel good.

I'm ready to say good-bye to D.

No, not yet.

W-We've done everything.

There's one more thing.

JFK!

ALL: FDR!

- FDR!
- (all cheer)

- Wait for me. I over-lotioned.
- Okay, for the last time,

the game is True American.

- We know the rules.
- We know one rule.

ALL: The floor is lava!

Tonight we play the game with a twist.

It's True American: Packing Edition.

You land on something, you pack it.

- Shotgun tip-off!
- Oh!

- or fight! Whoa!

(Winston whoops)

You go, boy!

(whoops)

The middle class is disappearing!

BOTH (chanting): Mama, where's my pa?

He's in the White House. Ha, ha, ha!

WINSTON: I know a fine brothel right to the left. Yah!

Westward ho.

We're coming for your gold.

Almost to Utah, Uncle Brother.

I like the look of that ox.

- SCHMIDT: Nailed it.
- Manifest destiny.

(all cheering)

- ♪ Remember all the drives...
- Oh, yeah!

You got to drink another root beer.

- ♪ To the cloudy mountainsides
- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

And we'll never starve to death... ♪

Chug, chug. Ruth, prohibition has been lifted.

All right. Ready, Moses?

SCHMIDT: Drink, Moses. Drink, Moses. Come on!

(children laughing)

What are you not understanding?

You're all burning in lava right now.

Oklahoma Land Grab!

Sooners, stake your claim!

Come on!

But if I ever feel the same again

Ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, oh...

You ready?

ALL: Yeah.

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

NICK: Not my first eviction.

- Won't be my last.
- Two, one.

WINSTON: Gotcha!

(Winston laughs)

Prank Sinatra, baby!

What?

I don't get it.

The truck is the prank?

What, did you pay the rental fee?

Winston, that's just nice.

You didn't have to move.

Yes, we did have to move, you idiot.

- We got evicted.
- What is he talking about?

NICK: I have no idea.

WINSTON: Engram Pattersky.

If you rearrange those letters,

what does it spell?

"My greatest prank."

My greatest prank!

- No.
- CECE: Are you kidding me?

- (Winston chuckles)
- Wait, are you Engram Pattersky?

Winston, you were in the loft

when all of the notices slid under the door.

I had some help.

Thanks for the wedding invite.

I work at that hospital.

BOTH: One, two, three,

slide.

Winston was right.

This was a two-man job.

Hell yeah.

But I checked. Everyone's getting evicted.

They're turning it into a non-residential space.

Oh, who did you check with?

I hope it was someone important.

Sorry, Jess. Nothing I can do

about zoning laws. My hands are tied.

(whispers): Write the check.

Oh. Uh-huh.

Add a zero.

Yeah, okay.

What?!

We didn't have to move?

Hell no!

You didn't have to move.

When did you have time

to do all this? You have a baby.

Well, I got two babies:

Dan Bill and this prank.

This is a really stupid thing you did.

You should see your face.

This is what you look like.

(laughs)

(imitating Jess): "What?"

(laughing): Y'all look so dumb.

Look at you, Nick.

This is you, Nick. (grunts)

(shrieking)

Okay, it's done.

Everybody in the truck.

Let's go. We're leaving.

I mean, it's happening now anyway.

Impressive, man.

- That was good.
- You know, I spent six months

building the Engram Pattersky website.

And you guys didn't even visit the office.

- What's happening, y'all?
- What's up?

For one more try

WINSTON: So, was the prank too small?

You know, I've been guilty of that in the past.

SCHMIDT: Too big, man. Way too big.

JESS: I don't know.

- I think it was just right.
- ALL: Too big.

- SCHMIDT: Definitely too big.
- CECE: Way too big.

NICK: Ridiculous.

Ooh

Ooh, hoo, hoo

Woo, hoo, hoo