02x08 - Parents

[bunniefuu]

Jess, I'm not done with that.

That's $18 granola ... handmade.

$18 for granola?

Okay, you're gonna be eating two Thanksgiving meals today, so starve yourself.

Jess, I get it that your parents are divorced, but can't they just have one meal together?

Yeah, sure, they can if they're both gagged and blindfolded.

Okay, listen up, guys, my mom is gonna be here at 9:00

and she's staying till 2:00, and then my dad's going to be here at 2:30

and he's gonna stay till 7:30.

I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.

Wait, you think she's perky?

Well, she doesn't have my dark side.

I got that from my dad.

Nick, you're gonna love my dad so much.

He's so unhappy.

I'm not into dads, I'm not a dad guy.

I don't like 'em, don't trust 'em, never have.

Oh, that's her.

It's okay, man.

What's okay, man?

Oh.

Momsicle.

Oh, Jujube.

Wow, showed up looking like a pilgrim.

Every year.

Hello, everyone.

This is my mom Joan.

Hi.

This is everybody.

Hi.

Oh, come on over, I just want to give you all a big hug.

Oh, come on, big Thanksgiving hug.

Do it, come on.

Come on, we'll do a big hug ball, come on.

Come on, Cece, you know how to do this. - Yep.

You in the white shirt.

I don't do hug balls.

Come on in.

Hug ball jumping, hug ball jumping.

Okay.

All right.

Whoo!

Oh, dear God.

A hug ball?

Dad.

Well, hello, Bob.

You're early.

You know what I'm thankful for today?

Divorce.

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.

No, no, no, no, it was my mistake, it's my mistake.

I'll wait five hours and come back when Joan's shift is up.

Bob, just stay.

What if we need something ruined?

Mom!

It's all right, I'll spend my holiday at a Los Angeles coffee shop...

No...

sitting around with people who have nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than work on their screenplay.

I probably won't want to blow my head off.

Bob, we are both grown-ups.

We can make it through one day together.

Please, Dad.

Well done, Jessica Day.

Pardon?

"My mom's coming at 9:00 a.m. and my dad's coming at 2:30."

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The movie you made me watch a million times.

Rocky IV?

- Parent Trap.

What? I don't...

Mm-hmm.

Why would I do that?

Parent Trap ... crazy.

Mom, Dad, help, there's a man in the room.

He's trying to get us to eat candy.

Jess, Jess. Jess?

Jess, are you okay?

What's the matter? Are you...?

Oh, damn it, Jess, that's the second time today.

Smile, Mom, you still got it.

Jessica, what are you doing?

I want him to see what he's missing.

You're texting your father?!

That was a long time ago, Cece, when I was young and naive.

Just go.

Excuse me.

What's with all the crappy beer, man?

You hate that stuff.

Let's just say that my cousin doesn't exactly have the most sophisticated palate.

Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota, he actually went to juvie for stealing the synagogue's minivan.

It's been that way since we were kids.

Made my life a living hell.

I'm the strong kind of fat.

Yes, yes, yes!

Please tell me he's going to sit on you when he gets here.

He's a good guy, I'm telling you, he's totally changed.

Okay. - He settled down with this great woman named Krista.

She's coming.

Actually went Legoltod with them last year.

He didn't pressure me to go on any of the rides I wasn't comfortable with.

Ho! Ha-ha.

How you doing, little buddy?

Come here.

Oh!

Oh!

Okay.

Hey.

What's up, man? Winston.

Nice to meet you, I'm Schmidt.

I actually go by Schmidt, uh, around here.

There can only be one ... you know the rule.

Ah! Look at that right there.

That's...

Where's Krista?

Krista and I have a new arrangement.

Okay.

I, uh, I can sleep with whoever I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me any more.

Hey, Dad, you want to help us?

I have to stay away from salmonella.

You don't have to lick it, Bob.

No, no, no, my doctor says...

It was a joke, it was just a joke.

I have a sense of humor.

If that was a joke, here is a pencil.

Draw me a map to the joke.

Guys, it doesn't have to be like this.

Mom. you're in a great place with your practice.

Dad, I'm sorry Katherine cheated on you, but it's been months.

Jess.

What are you...?

I'm sorry, I thought, I thought, I ... I'm s ... I thought everyone knew.

You grieved so publicly on Instagram ...

all those pictures of sad trees and, and your lunches.

Katherine cheated?

Yeah.

Oh, Bob, that's terrible, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

No, really, I had no idea.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Oh, sorry, really.

Come here, come here, let me...

Salmonella...

Salmonella.

Okay.

I liked her.

You did?

No, no.

I didn't think so.

Hey, remember that song, huh?

Sure, Bob.

Yeah.

Do I remember that?

That was the night.

Great night.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not talking about the concert.

No, the after ... the afterparty.

The afterparty.

The after ... yeah.

Jess, no.

Parent trap.

Okay, admittedly this is a little bit crazy, but if this is going to work, you're both helping me.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Sit down, sit down.

I'm not doing a parent trap.

Nick, they got married too young, they got divorced too young.

I think this could really make them happy.

They need us. Here's the plan:

We're gonna make my mom look so hot that my dad can't resist her.

Your parent trap ... there's no identical twins or mistaken identity?

Not a parent trap, it's a makeover.

The only thing you have to do is distract my dad.

A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling.

I feel like you're just throwing this together.

This is a makeshift parent trap;

They don't work.

Why do you have to ruin everything, Nick?

I don't know, I've got something bad inside of me. I ruin things.

Let's do this parent trap.

Yes.

Oh, would you look at that?

She's spectacular. Wow.

Well, you know, we used to date, right?

You, Schmiggle?

Schmidt.

Please.

Cece, can you please come over here and confirm our intercourse?

And then I dumped her 'cause I was like, you know, whatever.

You mean, you ran away scared.

Exactly, you're not enough man for a woman like that.

Okay, yeah, and you are?

Damn right I am.

Well, I'll tell you what, if you guys want to find out who's truly the manliest, you should have a contest.

I'm listening. - Go on.

The winner of this contest will be declared the one true Schmidt.

Yes. - It is on.

What are you doing?

I'm bored.

Nice.

Seems like every time they want to move a team to Los Angeles, the team that's most likely to move here, the owner Al Davis...

Dead.

And then they talk to the, to the Ravens and their owner Art Modell ... dead.

Dead. You know what I mean?

Who-Who's going to speak out for us, I mean, the voice of the NFL ... Steve Sabol? Dead.

Also dead.

Exactly.

You know, it doesn't take a genius. All you got to do is follow the money.

Always follow the money.

That's what I always say.

You always follow the money.

Yeah, yeah.

Oil companies.

Pharmaceuticals.

Big business, chicken corporations.

Corn.

Yeah.

Just explain to me again why we're doing this.

Because, when Cece's all washed up as a model, she wants to be a makeup artist.

And I want to help her realize her dreams.

Yeah, it's my plan B.

Okay, stop. Seriously, it's just too much.

The makeup and-and your dress?

The only reason I wear makeup in Portland is to keep the rain off my face.

So your hair just does, like, this one thing, right?

Sorry.

I don't know if Jess has told you this, but I am writing a novel.

Oh, really? - Yeah.

What's it about?

It's about zombies.

Zombies?

And it's a relationship story.

It has a great love story in there that could be made into a movie, I think.

The love story's between... whom?

The zombie and Carol.

Zombie and the-the... Carol is not a zombie?

She's a regular person?

No, she's a rich girl.

Oh, so it's like the Twilight

thing where...

It's not like the Twilight...

No, it isn't.

Where the vampire falls in love with a regular person.

You don't really... you don't get it.

It's the same thing.

Oh, really?

Is there another guy on Twilight,

that there's a bit of a love triangle with?

Yes.

It's the same as Twilight...

Does Twilight have a wolf in it?

Yes.

It does?

Yes.

Is Twilight in Seattle?

Yes!

Well, then whoever wrote that is smart.

Um, listen, I know you were very young, and I'll completely forgive you, just tell me the truth ...

Did you drive my van?

Joan, I have told you this.

It wasn't me.

Okay, I believe you.

I know it was you.

Wow, I look like a slutty Katie Couric.

The trap has been set.

Is is working?

Mm-hmm.

Croce makes my mom frisky.

Check it out.

Oh, hey, your mom looks great.

Really?

Go hit on her.

What?

My dad gets super jealous.

So if you go lay some sweet game on her...

Go hit on your mother?

I was going to make Schmidt do it.

No, no, no, I can't hit on...

Hey, Mom. Mom, uh, Jess...

Nick was just saying that your décolletage looks bewitching in that dress.

Right, Nick?

Thank you.

I like your de, uh...

your de... de-college.

Say hello to my sister wives, Mrs. Schmidt and Mrs. Schmidt.

All right, time for delts?

Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I'm slowly regretting this.

Definition is for chicks, man.

All right, it's all about size.

I mean, look at the mass on this bitch.

Stupid.

What's your calf situation like?

Calves? Want to see some ankle circles?

Look at that. Some donkey raises?

One, two...

No, no, no, no, no. Wheelbarrow.

What's a wheelbarrow?

Wheelbarrow.

Every kid knows what a wheelbarrow is.

Put your hands on the ground.

Hand on the ground.

Hey! All right.

Turn him around. Faster.

Yeah, all right.

Come on, man, really work those calves.

Look at this, Winston, I can do this all day, man.

No, I got it all day, man.

All day, I don't even think about it.

That's awesome. Keep going.

All day. I can do this all day, Winston.

I got all day, too!

Hey, how long can you do this for?

I can do this all day!

Yeah, I got all day, too!

Winston!

Why are you yelling at me?

I'll do this all day!

I'll do it all day, Winston!

This is great.

I'll do it all day, Winston!

Joan, I've got to say you are great...

at doing what you're doing.

You got those beautiful strong arms.

You want to give it a try? - Okay.

Mom and Nick seem to be really getting along great.

Well, no, no, no...

Is that good?

You're wasting it.

Oh, sorry, then show me.

Mm, yeah.

Yeah, we got to get the whole thing.

There you go.

What is happening?

I can feel the chemistry from here.

I sprayed all over.

Clean up time.

Like, whoa.

Jess, what are you doing?

Watching the game.

You're doing the parent trap thing again.

What? Dad...

Yes.

I have a master's degree.

I'm not parent trapping.

You're such a liar.

Seriously, I'm not... Okay. Fine, you're right.

You need help.

Why do I do that?

I don't understand. Every time, it never worked out.

Okay, I'm calling it off. Nick.

♪ Every time I try to tell you ♪
♪ The words just come out wrong ♪

Nick!

♪ So I have to say "I love you" ♪
♪ In a song.

Nick!

I love that.

Nick! Thanks for helping me out, but I'm calling it off.

She's doing another one of her parent traps.

Can I top you off?

Yes, please.

Hey, Nick, what are you doing?

I don't know, Jessica.

I'm a little bit confused.

I think I'm into your mother.

What?!

I don't know how it happened.

In truth, it happens all the time, Nick.

I don't know if it's the sweet sounds of Jimmy Croce or the sweet smells of this turkey...

Nick, this is not what we talked about.

I know but it got...

Give me that baster.

No!

Okay, everyone.

This bird needs to go back in the oven.

Bob, I need to clean you up in the bathroom please.

Come on.

Brand-new shirt.

Do I regret it? Yes.

Would I do it again? Probably.

It's all right, Joan, you don't have to do it.

You want, you can go back to your basting.

What, did you get a little jealous, Bob?

Of that idiot? What, are you kidding me?

You know, she's really got to stop doing this.

She's so stubborn.

Wonder where she got that?

Did she ever text you some photos?

You mean of you in the shower?

Yeah.

I got 'em.

I was just wondering.

Eh, maybe I was a little jealous.

Seems to me like this whole thing is a draw.

I mean, You did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle.

You belched longer, he farted louder.

You punched a tree, he head-butted a bench.

You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch.

I mean, Schmidt, how much more can you take?

Schmiggle, I got the belts rigged up in the bedroom.

Ready to see who blacks out first?

All right, you know what, forget it.

Whatever, I-I give.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

Wow.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Yeah, but know this, all right.

Your caveman ideas about manhood are so over.

Manhood today is about exfoliation, Ha!

And cheese courses, and emotional honesty, and Paxil.

And yes, cutting peppers in the classic style de julienne.

You may have bested me in a competition of pre-Clinton manhood, but I am Schmidt.

A refined and enlightened pescetarian.

About 90% of the time.

Observe.

What are you doing?

Don't touch the blade ... it's hot.

A classic julienne.

Marine Corps Cook of the Year 2003.

And I can do the same thing to a man's arm.

Yeah, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

That's the sound of round two.

Perfection.

This is a masterpiece right here.

Who's hungry, right?

I am starving.

Well, it makes sense with you two.

You guys must've worked up an appetite.

What?

Look at that plating.

It's like Picasso.

It's nice squeeze bottle work there, Bobby Flay.

He is still relevant.

Where? Phoenix?

Schmidt, come on, we are getting hungry.

What don't you guys just stay here?

I'll sleep on the couch.

What? What are you saying?

What?

Nothing happened.

What are you saying? What are you saying?

I'm with you.

You shouldn't be saying anything...

Anything,

'cause I don't know anything.

'Cause you're not... you don't have any information about anything.

Information at all.

Nothing.

Happened.

The answer is nothing.

What?

Answer me a question.

Which one of these platings is more masculine?

Look, do you guys want to know what the ultimate test is?

Being secure in your masculinity.

How do we prove that?

I'm super secure.

You kiss a man.

Yeah.

If you want to be the one true Schmidt. I mean...

No. We don't.

I'll kiss a man.

I'll kiss a man. Yeah, I'll kiss a man.

Winston. Yeah, he'd do.

Winston?

I could go for some stuffing right now. Am I right?

Yeah, love me some stuffing.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, right? - Yeah, let's go.

I'll kiss Winston.

I'll do it.

I'll kiss Winston all day.

I'll kiss Winston's mouth all day.

Let's do it.

All day I'll kiss Winston...

Everybody else really hot, too?

Oh, wow.

Hey. Ooh!

Thank you.

Manly.

Beautiful.

Hey, Winston, uh, I got you this as an after-dinner mint for after dinner.

Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Okay? For you to have.

I appreciate that.

Just make sure you take... that's right...

What are we having here, turkey sushi?

What is this?

Ooh.

I'm gonna make a toast.

Parent Trap's just a movie.

And real relationships are not like that.

They're more complicated than that.

And they're not even real twins.

Twins! Yes!

I'm thankful for twins. They're like sisters, but they do it, and they like to have sex.

Schmidts.

What?!

What?

In conclusion...

I want to say what I'm thankful for.

Family.

They said... it couldn't be done.

They said,

"You're crazy, Jess."

I am so thankful today that I proved them wrong.

Whoa, honey, what?

Whoa, hey, hey, wait. What are you saying?

Congratulations, guys. We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom.

No, no, no, no, no.

We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom.

It was the greatest day of my entire life.

Greatest day of mine.

There was so much love there.

And sex. Sex energy, too, Jess.

And se-sex.

You lit this place on fire, you two animals.

It was just a kiss.

It was a great kiss.

It was a hookup. It mean nothing.

Listen, if Joanie's up for grabs, I volunteer.

I volunteer, too.

I volunteered first.

Don't even matter.

You can't volunteer right after...

I'm in the game now.

You just wanted me for my body.

Yup.

And I'm fine with that.

Joanie, what if it was like that?

That's not bad.

I saw something. You guys had a spark, you connected.

Let's get natural. Bring it to you.

I swear, if you got together today, it would be different than before.

I think you could make each other happy.

I'm serious. No. What? Let me finish.

Jess, you got to let it go, okay?

No, I'm not letting it go!

You have to admit that...

No.

What? ...

they're never gonna make it work.

No.

And you scratched my van.

Mom, she didn't mean to scratch your van.

I knew it. I knew it.

Didn't I tell you? I knew it.

Okay, the reason I was in your van is because your little JuJuBe was high as a kite!

Oh. Oh, my God.

Honey, are you an addict? Oh, this is new information.

It was a brownie. I wasn't allowed to eat chocolate.

Yes. What, are you living with drug dealers?

When can we start eating?

Are you into pot? Is this a rehab?

What are you doing?

Are you selling your body to pay for the rent?

I don't sell my body for rent, no!

When can we start eating?

It's off. Off.

Shut up, everybody!

I just want to be a family.

Jess.

You have a family.

Your father and I are not getting back together.

Never.

Jess.

Honey?

Where you going?

Jess?

Turkey.

Jess. Honey, can I come in?

Or do you have your dad hiding in the closet, waiting to make out with me?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I ruined the whole day, and it could have been really nice, but it wasn't,

'cause I tried to shove a turkey down a garbage disposal.

I just...

I thought...

maybe you guys could make each other happy.

We're actually happier apart.

Maybe I just worried that...

since you guys are alone that means that I have to end up alone.

You're not gonna be alone.

Even if you were, you could always move in with me.

We could get a condo in Miami.

Mm.

And start solving crimes together.

God, you have to lighten up, Jess.

It's just life.

Yeah, you know what?

We could definitely

Grey Gardens

the crap out of a condo in Miami.

Can't wait to eat cat food with you.

I'm okay. Don't worry about me.

And so is your dad.

Okay.

We doing this or not?

I'm going in.

Mmm. Mmm.

What's up, bro?

What's up?

No.

Face smells like a dude's face.

Not for me.

Hmm.

All right.

Watch how a real man does it.

Hey, Winston?

'Sup?

Yeah.

I know, right?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Okay, well, then it's off.

Game over.

No. No way.

Winston?

Hmm?

All day!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

I did it.

And I'm the one true Schmidt!

You got it, man. You can be Schmidt. I'm...

You should not do that on Thanksgiving.

I kissed a dude!

Oh, I miss Krista.

You know, she had a little mustache, too?

I know she did.

You okay... Schmidt?

Yes... I am...

Schmidt.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Give me a hug. I love you, sweetie.

Love you.

Love you, sweetheart.

Love you, Mom.

Love you, too, sweetheart.

Joan, I just want to say that I'm really happy that, you know, we got past all that.

Come here, Cece.

Give my little girl dr*gs again ... I will end you.

Bye.

Bye, everybody.

And no more parent traps.

Okay.

Yeah. We're done with those.

Got it.

Been there, trapped that.

Bye.

Love you guys. Bye.

I won't tell her if you don't.

Tell her about what?