02x19 - Quick Hardening Chalk

[bunniefuu]

Ah... Three more, Cocktail Johnny.

Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor.

It's 4 proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.

Melon balls.

Schmidt, no matter how much you get drunk, Cece's still gonna be engaged.

Cece?

Now, I know you're down about it.

I'm not down about Cece.

This is, this is a mess. - Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about:

The air pollution in China, the deficit,

The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I want to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me.

Ball you?

Ball me!

What are you...

How do you get these toppy things off, Nick?

Oh, Schmidt... You look like a lab rat.

Okay, you know what?

I'm adding that to your bill.

What the hell is this?

What?! You're giving us a check?

No more free drinks.

I didn't even know you had these here.

Take all of my money and then get out of my room.

You guys, come on.

Show a little respect. This is my job.

Nick, I saw you pee in the register.

Yeah, once.

You think I was sober for that?

You once put a sign out that said

"Take a Drink, Leave a Drink."

Okay, it's the only job I have, and I'm trying to be... good.

Okay? It's about time I got a little responsibility.

Responsibility?

I thought of a new promotion ... it's like Ladies' Night but it's the opposite:

It's Guys' Night.

The new manager loved the idea, and if it goes well ...

Maybe there's a promotion;

I can start moving up in the world.

What?

I want him.

I want him... bad.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

What is this?

I think Nick being ambitious and driven about the bar is making me...

want him more. Is that, like, a thing?

No. No woman's ever been attracted to power and success.

It's just like...

I thought it was one kiss and then it was over.

Hey, sorry, I'm just putting a load on.

Got a shift at the bar.

You know that there's a separate compartment to put the soap in?

I didn't know that.

Little soap house.

Anyway, I'm getting this mess cleaned up.

I gotta say, it feels really good.

Do any of you guys know where the iron is?

Get out!

What? I want to iron my button-down.

Get out, Nick!

What is happening right now?

Get out!

Why are you being so mean to me?

Get out!

What is going on with you?

There's a new manager; That's why I'm making you guys pay.

And you actually care about what he thinks?

Hey, Shane.

Hey.

Hey, guys. This is Shane. This is my new manager.

Oh, got it.

I'm really excited to have her here.

We're really getting this place in order. We're, uh...

Makes a lot more sense now.

God, I can't stop thinking about the other night.

Hope you gave that bar an extra wipe-down.

Yeah.

You're just like the opposite of everyone I went to business school with.

I mean, look at you. You're just... You're so real. - Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He's incredibly real.

As real as they get.

Yeah, the realest.

Shut up, both of you.

You're a mess.

Yeah. - I got dirt on my face after we made out.

God, I loved it. Get back to work.

You got it.

Get back to work!

I'm joking. No, but seriously, Yeah. Joke. Seriously, get back to work. Yeah.

Get back to work. Yeah.

I know this isn't gonna end well, but the whole middle part's gonna be awesome.

Good for you.

What?

Schmidt, stop drinking that.

I'm gonna take care of this.

If I feel down, I come here.

I love this place, man. You know, the sound of bubbles, soothing synth music.

If this place doesn't take your mind off of Cece, then I don't know, man.

Look at that.

So beautiful.

And exotic.

Perfect curves.

Giant almond eyes.

Caramel-colored stripes.

Sumptuous lips.

Are you talking about the fish?

Excuse me. You, sir, that works here.

What is this fish ... the one that floats like an angel?

How much for this one?

Ah, that is the lovely but elusive California lionfish.

It's perfect. I must have it.

S-Sadly, sir, you can't.

What do you mean I can't?

It's... illegal, sir.

This fish is protected by the great state of California.

Gimme it!

No...?

What are you doing? Why can't I have the things that I want?

Sorry about that.

Don't look at the fish, kids.

You can't have any of them!

None of them are for sale!

Love is a lie. It is.

Calm down!

Love is a lie. Love is a lie.

We're leaving. We're leaving.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Schmidt, no. Absolutely not.

No! I don't trust fish.

They breathe water ... that's crazy.

Yeah, he's got a whole thing going.

Schmidt ... an aquarium?!

When did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates?

This is where I will keep my lionfish.

Your lionfish?

A rare beauty.

The result of generations of interracial fish breeding.

Just undulating in that water with that wry smile.

Perfect, round fish breasts.

Pull it together.

What is this hat?

They say it'll be impossible for me to have it.

But I'll get it. She will be mine, and...

we will create a life together.

We're not talking about fish here, are we? - No.

Clearly talking about Cece.

Yes.

Yeah, 'cause he said

"fish breasts."

He said "fish breasts."

Yeah.

I mean, fish don't have boobs.

Hmm?

Hey, Jess.

That's my name. What's yours?

Just kidding. I know what it is. It's Nick.

You okay?

Yeah.

You haven't stopped moving

since we've been talking.

Hmm?

It's a nice-looking dress. You look good in it.

Oh, God. Okay.

Jess! Jess, wait!

Jess... Jess, would you please wait?

Hey, I was wondering, can I get a ride to the hardware store?

I want to throw a punching bag up at the bar for Guys' Night, but my car's not working, so can I get a ride?

No. Mm-mm. No.

Come on, can I please have a ride?

Wait, hold on. Don't move. Hold on.

You got an eyelash.

Why do you smell so good?

It's 'cause I did laundry.

Ah. I smell like a baby in a damn meadow.

Look at this. My underwear.

What? What?

-They're blue now. I think it's 'cause I put colors in the whites. - Uh-huh.

I'm still figuring it out, but I'm really excited about laundry.

Good job. - Hey, how do you put your underwear back in?

Just... I feel like it's too big to get back in now.

It's tricky to get it in.

Fine!

Thank you.

Do you mind if we stop along the way? I'm thinking of getting a salad 'cause I want to eat healthier.

Oh! God! Nick!

I'm thinking of taking a vitamin today.

Oh, God! Shut up!

It's good.

Yeah.

Yank that chain.

Yank it.

I feel like Russell Crowe in every movie he's ever done.

All right, Nick. Um, we have to go.

We just got here.

We have tons of stuff we need to get. - Fine.

Let me see what we have left.

A whole bunch of stuff.

Long-shafted... drive drill?

New nut wrench?

Our old nut wrench is bad.

Quick-hardening... caulk.

You don't want to wait forever for that caulk to harden.

Lube for... drill shaft.

And we ... also, can we get a box of gummy sharks?

Just remember... you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalogue.

Hey, Jess, I need the cart!

Look what I found!

Look at this big ol' pipe.

Check it out, Schmidt ... I got you a clownfish.

I don't want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston.

I want a lionfish.

Let's just cut through the crap, okay, Schmidt? We both know what you really want is Cece.

Cece the woman?

Yeah.

You can't put a woman in a fish t*nk, Winston.

That doesn't make any sense.

Look, Winston, if there was one thing that stood between you and happiness, don't you think I would be there to help you get it?

No matter how stupid it was?

You're right, Schmidt.

If I was doing something stupid, you definitely would be involved.

Yeah, you're damn right I would be.

And I would probably be there to make it even stupider.

Now, I'm going to walk out that door, and I'm gonna pursue the object of my dreams.

And if you don't want to join me, then I'm gonna carry that weight alone.

I'm in.

Let's get you a lionfish. Where do we start?

We're gonna start at the source.

The ocean.

That's an even better idea.

Hey, Jess.

I got some hot soup.

I feel good...

Jessy feel good...

Mmm.

I like to say words with my mouth.

Well, your jaw is super bruised, so you need to get some rest. But you have some fun pain meds.

Right?

I like you.

Yeah, I like you, too, Jess.

Yeah... and I like, your little bubble belly.

Oh, thank you.

Blows up like a... bubble.

Yeah, that's what it does.

I want to have sex with you!

Okay.

I want to have sex with you.

Whoa, do you know what you're saying right now, Jess?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

I want to have sex with you.

Sexy time for you, says me.

You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.

Okay.

Read all about it.

Yeah.

I'm Judy Garland.

Yeah, so it's the pills.

This is nonsense.

Whoa! Jess, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no...

Heck, no... no...

Don't do this right now.

I'm Judy Garland.

Hey, Judy, let's get you to bed, doll.

Whoa, whoa! You are way too drugged-up for this... okay...

This little piggy went to the market.

That little piggy can't be touched by you right now. - This little piggy went... ... this little piggy went to market!

It's hot! I put my hand in the hot soup!

Ow! You... aah!

Hey, Nick!

Will you be a doll and get me some mustard?

That is not flattering on you.

You're an incredibly lovely man.

Are you calling my phone?

Yeah, I'm calling it right now, Winston.

I can't find it.

Are you kidding me?

Damn it, Winston!

It took me 20 minutes to fit this thing over your hips.

Whoa, okay. Hey! Hey!

Careful! Hey! What are you...

Why is your waist so weird?

That's my ass cheek! Sch-Schmidt!

I'm getting your phone.

That kind of tickles.

Hey! Stop saying "That's my ass cheek" and stop touching his butt!

Look at that shiner.

Not cool!

Somebody messes with my boy, that means we mean "bid-ness"!

We doing this? Let's do this!

Are we not... are we not doing it? It doesn't feel like you guys want to do it.

Let's just say hypothetically that a girl says something to you while she's on painkillers.

Mm-hmm.

And that girl says that she might want to have sexual intercourse with you.

Please tell me we're not talking about Jess.

And you had no idea that's how she felt.

Like, no idea. You thought the door was closed.

In fact, you thought that door was so closed that you went out to another door, but had I known that the first door was open, that's the door I wanted to walk through.

Wait, okay, wait...

I would've walked through that door.

Do you see how I'm in a tough spot?

Can we stop calling it

"walking through a door"?

Because for me, I feel like it's more like sliding past a drape.

Okay, if a girl on painkillers says that she wants to have sex with you, Mm-hmm.

is that the dr*gs or is that real?

And if so, how do I end it with Shane before Jess finds out?

I-I-I meant the door.

Nick, Jess...

All right, good talking, guys.

Good stuff. Yeah, I love that.

Hey, guys.

What happened to your eye?

You smashed me in the face, remember?

Right here.

That's funny.

Seriously, what happened?

Is your jaw okay? I bit my face.

Oh, you know what?

I can't even feel it.

The doctor's got me so goofy on these painkillers, it's like it never happened.

It's like it never happened.

But I sure got a chin shiner.

Yeah, you do.

Right?

So, I'll see you at Guys' Night.

Uh, no, no, no, you...

I don't...

I think you should rest.

Yeah, girl, you gotta protect that face.

Yeah, hey, for real, you should stay home and you should rest, Jess.

That's so sweet.

Thanks, guys.

What are doing out here?

This is crazy.

We've been standing in the ocean for two hours trying to steal an illegal fish.

I don't know why you want that damn fish so bad.

But what I do know is that it's gonna make you happy.

And that's all I care about.

Remember, I'm the one who shaved your shoulders after you got that scoop-neck sweater.

I appreciate it.

I'd do the same to find whatever it is that makes you happy.

You want to lose that last 55 pounds, I'll help you do that.

I don't got 50 pounds to lose.

It's very evident in this outfit.

Right there. I see something.

Lionfish!

Son of a...

What the...?

Jellyfish!

What?

Jellyfish!

Whoa, Schmidt.

Jellyfish!

What happened?

It got me, it got me!

What do I do?

What do I do?

It got me, Winston!

It burns!

Okay!

Burns!

So what do I do?

I need you to pee on my face.

What?

You need to pee on my face.

I can't.

It will sterilize the wound. Please do it, Winston.

I can not pee on your face.

I thought you were with me to the end.

I just peed in the ocean, so I'm all out.

You peed in the ocean?

Yeah, look...

Disgusting!

Okay, look, look, I know this is a dumb question, but will number two help?

What?

Free beers, Gorilla Bowl of nachos.

Gonna be two dozen dollars, boys.

Didn't realize we could make a $22 profit on nachos.

Guys' Night is genius.

Right?

Hey, um, look, uh, I think you're great, I just, uh, I can't keep...

I can't keep running to get cheese every time somebody orders nachos.

I love how worked up you get over cheese.

Get down there. Run.

Ooh...

who do I have to do around here to get a bucket of nachos?

Right here. Right here. How you doing?

I wasn't serious.

Wendell. Hi.

Gentlemen... There's a really literal vibe around here.

What are you doing here?

This morning you said you weren't coming, Jess.

I actually don't remember this morning at all.

But I would never miss this. I'm so proud of you. - Free beers!

Free beer.

You guys went through those!

Wait a minute...

More free beers.

Guys' Night is men drink for free?

Well, it's Guys' Night.

Oh.

You know...

I...

it's not a really good idea.

You know, because women won't show up, and...

You know?

He's our little idea man.

Hey...

So full of ideas.

She just slap your ass?

Sure. She's like a...

she's my boss and like a coach.

We're a team here.

We all slap each other's butts all the time.

Right here! Keep up the good work!

Why don't you go get us some ice, Big Bob?

Just slap my butt, Big Bob.

Show me some butt love.

Fire me off!

Some butt love?

Take a slice of that.

Oh, you got right up in there.

Hey, hey...

Oh, Shane, Shane, Shane...

Wait...

Is she...?

No.

Uh, yeah.

Are you...?

No. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're sleeping together.

So what?

We're all sleeping together.

Big Bob is...

I'm sorry, Jess.

Why... I mean, why are you sorry?

You're a free man.

Just... you're just... you know...

getting some stank on it.

Did you really just say that to me in my own bar?

Nick, who is this?

Yeah, Nick, who am I?

Shane, this is Jess.

She's my, uh...

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Hmm... my room... friend.

I'm your "room friend," Nick?

Jess, don't...

I'm sleeping with Nick, too.

You don't have to do this, Bob.

I have to go.

Big Bob, that was really sweet.

Thank you, Bob!

Jess, wait!

Hey, hey.

What are you doing here?

He left me a voicemail from the ambulance.

He was rambling a lot, but I brought him this.

Whoa, where'd you get that?

You know, one of the perks of being a model.

You get to meet a lot of sketchy people.

The guy who got me this also said he could get me a box of dolphin steaks or a mostly white baby.

Good to know.

How's he doing?

Uh, hey, listen, I think it might be good for him if you just gave him some space.

Space?

Cece, you're getting married.

It's k*lling him.

Okay.

Yeah.

Um, just tell him I came...

Mm-hmm.

...by, or... or not.

Uh-huh.

He's waking up. You should go.

Okay.

You know... roommate.

Winston.

Hmm?

I just realized something.

It was never about a fish.

It was a metaphor.

It was about Cece.

Don't feel bad about not seeing it.

Look, man, it was subtle as hell.

Oh, my God, is that a lionfish?

Where'd that come from?

The...

The lion... the lionfish?

You. That came from you.

When the paramedics came, you...

you had it in your hand.

They were like, "Whoa, you can't get one of these."

And I was like,

"He caught it in a..." You did it.

Hello, fish Cece.

Gonna put you back in the sea.

I'm sorry, what? Look, Winston, I don't know if it was the jellyfish's venom or the paramedic's urine, but it made me realize...she's not mine to keep.

She belongs out there.

In the great, wide open ocean.

Uh, Schmidt, that don't go to the ocean.

What are you, the city planner?

Hi.

Well, I've got some explaining to do.

Shut up.

I'm really happy her name is Shane.

Mm... mm-hmm.

Who's next?

Cody?

Tex? The sheriff?

Mm.

Hey, Jess...

last night, when you were on pills...you said you want me.

Shut up.

You put your hand in my pocket.

No, I didn't...

You said, "This little piggy wants to go to the market."

Shut up, Nick.

It's something you were just saying, that's fine, that's cool, we'll move on and not talk about it, but it is something that I've thought a lot about.

But you were never clear about that, so that there were other options.

And this little piggy ran around to different markets, but he didn't know.

What are you talking about?

Do you want to have sex with me, yes or no?

Yes!

No! Yes! I mean, I did.

But that was before I knew that you were... you were doing all that for your boss, so you sleep with her.

Fine, forget-forget the boss.

Okay.

Well, I just, you know, I thought it was...

it was nice to see you actually trying at something.

So...

That's why you were more attracted to me?

Wait a second.

I thought it was attractive that you were trying.

That's why?

You're a frickin'

gold digger, Jess.

What?!

I think that's what you just said.

If I were a gold digger, do you think I'd be interested in you?

I would be the worst gold digger in the world.

You're a friggin' gold digger.

No, I'm not, Nick.

I'm so disappointed in you.

Shut up!

I'm not a gold digger.

Then prove it.

Ow! My jaw.

What?

Then move your damn head.

Then kiss me like a man!

Damn it!

What's wrong with your hand?

I burnt it in your damn soup. Is that what you wanted...

Well, who burns their hand in soup?

I do!

You're a mess!

You are so annoying with your little shorts.

Why are you so angry all the time?

I told you, shut up.

Shut up and take off your clothes right now.

And I mean it, take off your clothes.

You're just chaotic. Everywhere you go.

Stop talking!

Wherever you go! You are ...

-This is not the time to talk, that is the stupidest thing...

Oh...

I'm gonna grab some paper towels.

An aquarium the size of a sixth grader just broke, and you're grabbing paper towels?

Yes, I'm getting paper towels.

What are you thinking?!

Okay, you know what?

I'm out. - You can't clean this up with paper towels.

I'm not...

You don't want to clean it up.

No, that's not what it is.

Well, you know what?

If you're not cleaning it up, I do not want to be told...

I'm not cleaning it up.

...what to do, by you, right this second!

I'm not... just 'cause I'm a woman?

That's it! I'm out!

Please.

You piss me off!

This is a bad idea.

I know you're going out into the ocean lionfish, but...

I ever see you again, then...

well...

And should you meet a charming...

physically fit, what ... I don't know, whatever kind of fish gefilte fish come from...

Treat him well.

Be careful.

You gotta be kidding me!

-Oh, sh**t.

Stay alive!

Stay alive!

Cece!