03x18 - Sister III

[bunniefuu]

Thank you so much for having us over for brunch, guys.

It's the least that we could do to celebrate the one-week anniversary of your sister moving in with me and becoming my live-in lover.

Was a little fast.

Babe, you have syrup on your face.

Oh, you can get it.

Mmm.

Babe, you have some powdered sugar (muffled): Back off! I'm starving! Come on.

Just let me get it off.

It's so much.

Get your own French toast, Jess! I got these slices, so they're for me to eat.

If you want the slices, get your own slices.

Coach: Um, that's your fourth plate, Winston.

I'm trying to bulk up for the LAPD fitness exam.

I am going to ace this obstacle course.

Schmidt, you got something crazy around your neck.

Abby made this.

Look.

Ow.

Look at that.

Not a fan.

I forgot how much I love making jewelry.

Schmidt's been lending me money for supplies.

Yeah.

Schmidt, are you bleeding? Oh, look at that.

I most certainly am.

Wow.

What makes Abby's jewelry so interesting is that it's actually dangerous and can cut you.

Abby's gonna open up her own store one day.

Mark my words.

She shouldn't do that.

Nope.

I'm gonna open up a store in your mouth.

But now that you're living here, I can have my old room back.

Jess, I'm gonna need you gone by 5:00.

Done.

I need a break from Snore-a Ephron over here.

Okay.

Oh, Schmidt and I don't need any space.

We have no boundaries.

But I guess not everybody can have what Schmidt and I have.

You guys will probably get there.

Don't worry.

Remember how long it took you to get boobs? Yeah, but I started shaving my legs at nine.

So joke's on you.

Mmm.

Wait.

We have so much sex.

Don't try to eat the other slice.

I'm gonna get to it.

Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.

Can you believe Abby and Schmidt? Yeah, tell me about it.

Making love at their own brunch? No class.

They're a fake couple.

They're not real.

We're a real couple.

If anyone should be moving in together, it's us.

Well, you know, we already live in the same apartment.

Right.

So why not take the extra step? We basically sleep in each other's rooms every night, so what is the difference? It's a really big difference.

Because right now we're roommates but we're not living together.

Not "living together.

" - You know? - No.

Living together is a step.

It's official.

It's an official step in a relationship.

So the word "official" is the key.

Abby and Schmidt did it after one week.

Come on.

We have so much left to learn about each other, stuff you can only learn if you're crammed together in a small space and you can't get out.

Just you and me.

Four walls.

No boundaries, no escape.

When you put it like that, it sounds amazing.

And like prison.

Well, I feel like if we get tired of each other, I can always run across the hall to my room.

It's so close.

Just pop over there.

Mm.

Do you not want to? - Whoa.

(whistles) I did not - That did not - So you're saying you do want to? (chuckles) Oh, my God, Nick, we're moving in together! - Officially? We just agreed on it? - Yes! Yes! I cannot think of a reason why not to.

Reason 13: I like my stuff and I hate her stuff.

Reason number 14: How am I ever gonna change my clothes? You don't change in front of your girlfriend? You get naked in front of her.

Yes, but those are different things.

When you're naked, you're powerful and it's glorious.

When you're changing, you're hunched over and cowering, like an animal.

Animals don't wear clothes, Nick.

All I'm saying is I need my space.

True intimacy.

Embrace that.

Abby and I, we have one sponge.

And we use it for everything.

I don't like that, but you seem happy.

Don't hold back, Nick.

Expose your cracks and love will fill them.

That's nice.

Thank you.

Do you know how hard it's been for me to take this conversation seriously while you're wearing - that thing around your neck? - It's an Iroquois throat band.

That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, you're jealous.

No, I'm not.

It's not just a choker, it's story.

What's the story? She didn't have enough supplies? - I'm not through the whole thing yet.

I got to tell you, man, looking at that thing, the sex must be awesome.

Coach: Cece and I have been hanging out a lot more lately.

She sort of treats me like I'm one of her girl friends, and (strained): You don't like it? I love it.

I mean, usually, when I'm friends with a girl, I'm either trying to get that butt or she's trying to get this butt.

But with Cece, it's not about the butt.

(chuckles) It's not about the butt, man.

It's cool.

It's like We're like sisters.

What? Coach.

Hey, do you have, uh, Schmidt's keys? Kind of got a weird favor to ask.

It's only weird if you don't ask, girl.

(laughs) - What? - That's what I'm talking about.

(meows) (grunts) You know I'm doing this for you, right? - Somewhere - This is great.

(chuckles) What are we doing? We are snooping on Abby.

Oh, love it.

I do not trust that girl.

She's always working an angle.

Now she's got Schmidt all wrapped up, giving her money for "jewelry.

" Treachery! (Coach screams) First, they came for my silverware and I said nothing.

What's up, dawg? - What are you guys doing here? Schmidt, I know that Abby is fun and she is charming, but I'm telling you, she's bad news.

Is that why you guys are sorting through my garbage? I appreciate the concern, you guys, but Abby has changed.

Coach: Then how do you explain this? I put my coffee grounds in a plastic bag so it doesn't get the rest of my trash dirty.

Really? - Yeah, he does that.

You got clean-ass trash, man.

I don't even need gloves for this.

Quit sorting through my trash, Coach.

You're messing it all up.

Schmidt, you've known this girl for a couple weeks, okay? I've known her for 20 years, and, I am telling you, she's not to be trusted.

Your words are changing his opinions about things.

(chuckles) Up top.

Mm.

You two as friends is a real bummer.

I'm not into it.

Jess: Our first night living together.

I'm just excited.

Expose your cracks and love will fill them.

I'm changing.

Great.

I'm reading.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm just gonna take my pants off.

Okay.

(grumbling) You know, I've seen you naked before, right? What's going on there? Oh! Never changed in front of a woman.

You know, mostly you just hook up and - Really? Are you serious? All right, I'm gonna read.

(clears throat) Okay.

Here we go.

(Nick moans) Yeah, it's Just gonna put this on here.

What is that? Oh, this is my long shirt.

(snorts) - Yeah.

Oh.

That's why you're laughing.

I had it on the wrong way.

(laughs) That must have been funny-looking the way it was.

I've never broken it out before you because, you know, we didn't live together, but it keeps the top really warm and lets my bottom breathe.

And so yeah.

Why does your bottom need to breathe? Well, it's like a plant.

Needs sun and air to survive.

Never mind.

Um I like it.

Um yeah.

Great.

I like it.

(grunts) Okay.

This is great.

This is great.

I'm excited.

Me, too.

What are you doing to the pillow? - I'm trying to get comfortable.

Oh, okay.

Got it.

Got it.

I can't I'm gonna go to sleep.

Turn off the light.

Great.

Mm.

Ow! What? So-Sorry.

Sorry.

What the hell is that nightmare? - I just have to Sorry.

Just reading.

Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna sleep with my head over there.

Okay.

Yeah, that's That's gonna be better for me.

You know what, I'm gonna get some water.

(muffled music playing) - Oh, hey.

My room looks totally different.

Turned it into a workout space.

I am so glad it opened up.

Oh, why didn't we do this sooner? Crab walk.

You don't know where a crab's gonna go.

And you know what? Where does the crab go? Oh! Oh, aah! Owie.

(elevator bell dings) Hi.

Just enjoying the peace and quiet.

Whoa, hold up.

Hey, Jess, what are you doing? Oh, I just, you know, sometimes I work in the elevator now.

(whispers): You know, helping some of the older residents.

Hmm? (elevator bell dings) (loudly): This is your floor, ma'am.

So, how are things going with you and Schmidt living together? I have never felt so clean while being so dirty.

Awesome.

Last night, Schmidt wanted to take me to a hotel, but we could not even get out of the loft without ripping each other's clothes off.

Oh, that's our thing, too.

We have the hotel until tomorrow night and it's all paid up.

You guys might as well use it.

Take it off our hands.

(elevator bell dings) Lobby, please.

(mouths words) Wait, I forgot Bernie.

Hold the elevator.

Bernie, Bernie, where are you, you idiot? I'll just be here, waiting.

Winston: So, Nick, the police academy training is going well, but I'm a little worried about the rings, because of the you know the incident.

(laughter) Shut up, you guys, I can do this.

No, Miller, no, Miller, no! (laughter) (laughs) I'm sor I got big laughs.

You got to give the people what they want.

Everybody saw my ding-a-ling, Nick.

My ding-a-ling.

I've got an issue that's more important than this.

Ever since Jess moved in, I haven't had a second to myself.

You see what she's done to my writer's desk? It's like an arts and crafts area now, man.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

I'm staying at a hotel tonight.

Not alone.

With other people.

I have to chaperone a field trip to Sacramento, so You know what, you seem too busy to talk about it.

Go, go.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Wait, weren't you just saying how you Whoa, dude! (Jess laughs) - Good one, Nick.

Bye.

Bye, yeah.

That, uh, I'm, uh, I'm sorry.

Schmidt: I can't believe I let you guys talk me into tailing my own girlfriend.

Cece: Look at this neighborhood, Schmidt, she is up to no good.

I feel very uncomfortable being here, I trust Abby, I don't want to spy on her any more, okay? We're not spying.

We're just carefully watching.

Girlfriend is going down.

Yeah, she is.

Let us bust her, buster.

(giggles) That was a good one.

That was.

Yeah.

Okay.

(both sigh) This dynamic between the two of you It's very annoying to me.

I'm sure I'm not alone on this.

Hi, hater.

Bye, hater.

Okay, enough is enough.

I'm getting out of here.

Hey, it's my car - Guys, guys.

I don't care whose car it is, I'm going.

I don't care who - It's my car.

Oh.

Aah! (gasps) Great.

Hit a parked car in the same neighborhood they sh*t friggin' Children of Men.

Yeah! I'm alone! (laughs) Yeah.

I made my reservation I'm leaving town tomorrow (yells happily) I'll find somebody new (grunts, laughs) I'm alone and I love it.

Coffee for one, a sundae for one, and the most tasteful, story-driven (whispers) adult film.

Preferably a period piece.

The farther in the past, the better.

You know what I'm talking about, girl.

(sobs) Do you have anything in the Byzantine Era? No? All right, just a sh*t in the dark.

Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley (sobbing): It's so little.

It's so little.

Bump, bump, bump went my heartstrings When he smiled, I could feel the car shake (pounding on wall): I'm trying to sleep! - Okay! - Which ding is ours? - Which ding is ours? Coach, there are Kn*fe holes in the door.

What does it matter? Let's get out of here.

At least write "sorry" and put it under the windshield wiper There are none.

Uh Maybe put it under the dead bird's leg? - Hobo! - Aah, there's a dude! (screaming) Ho-ho-hobo, for real! - Hobo! - Son of a bitch Hobo.

Thank you, Jingles.

You got it, girl.

Hey.

What are you guys doing here? Tailing me? - No.

Um - Yes, we're tailing you.

I know how you work: You glom onto guys and then you just bleed them dry.

Well, you are not gonna do it to Schmidt.

What's in the box? Tell us what's in the box.

Zippers.

What? (laughs) Z Zippers, you guys.

Guy up there'll give you a great deal.

He also loves cr*ck.

Can we go now? Thank you, Abby, let's go.

My car is gone.

Well, that's not surprising.

Oh, you can do this.

You can do this, Winnie.

What are you doing here? On a school day? I see this means you're the cutting type.

Which means you're the pantsing type.

Well, I got news for you, buddy.

You ain't getting 'em! Not today.

How 'bout I take your pants, huh? Not like that, everybody! I'm not trying to take the little kid's pants.

He's trying to take my pants.

You see how he's eyeing my pants? So I eyed his pants You know what? You win.

You win, you little son of a bitch.

You win! I don't want to tell you how to police your beach, but right now there are truants outside of this hotel, stirring up trouble.

Hey, yo, lookin' good, Charlie! Debbie, see you at 1:00 on the massage table.

Winston.

Mm.

We are gonna sneak into Schmidt's and see what's really inside those boxes.

Cece, darling - Hmm? - What? - How long have we been friends? A week or so? - And have I ever steered you wrong? - Well, no Exactly.

Because I know you better than anyone, girl.

And you're acting like a lunatic.

I mean, the kind of lunatic other lunatics look at and go, "Oh, my God, that bitch a lunatic.

" So I'm gonna need you to figure out why you're really doing all this for Schmidt and then sort it out.

You did not just say that to me.

Think about it, girl.

sh**t Just to be clear, I did not ask you to act like this, okay? - It's just kind of fun to do - Slow down, girl.

You gonna eat that scone? - Damn it.

Slow down.

Are you-are you gonna have this scone? - Hey, man.

Hey, man.

Just looking at my Garbage Pail Kids.

Jess makes me put 'em in a box.

How are you gonna put art like this in a box? What's going on with you? Nothing You will not tell Nick that you saw me here because then he'll get upset and I'm gonna have to move into my old room, and that means that we suck as a couple and that Abby was right and I cannot let that happen.

Jess went to a hotel because sharing a room with you is driving her crazy.

(relieved moaning) Dude, at really was a tough one to keep in, but, honestly, I held my own and I did - my best.

Are you kidding me?! I can't believe it! I changed in front of her! Sharing a room is driving you crazy, too.

But I didn't lie about it.

I never get to win these things.

So, anyway, I just want to apologize.

It was wrong of me to get involved.

Are you sure you don't want to tap Abby's phone? Run a DNA sample? I don't want to be coarse, but the bedroom is covered in it.

I was worried about you, okay? I didn't want her to take advantage of you 'cause I know that you will do anything for the people that you care about.

Well, I guess I could say the same thing about you.

And, you know what, maybe Abby has changed.

I'm thinking about helping Abby lease a storefront - for her jewelry.

Is that crazy? - It's - (chuckles) It's amazing.

Don't hold back.

Here.

Here, I want you to have this.

Oh.

Abby made it.

Oh Mm It's a cough drop and - these are hard candies.

I see that.

I truly hate it.

You're welcome.

(sighs) - Oh.

Oh, hey.

How was Sacramento? It was great.

The kids cried when they saw the capital.

Oh, did they? How many students showed up? - What hotel did you stay at? - Old Sacramento Inn.

What room did you stay in? - 523.

What floor was that on? - Five.

Was there an elevator to the 4th floor? - 5th floor.

Smoking or non-smoking? - Smoking.

You don't smoke.

In Sacramento, I do.

What'd you have for breakfast? - Continental.

How are you this good at lying?! I know you're making this all up! I know you didn't go to Sacramento.

I know you went to a hotel to be by yourself.

Damn it, Winston! - Nick loved being alone, too! - Damn it, Winston! - That's for my ding-a-ling! You didn't like living together either? No, but it was your idea, and it seemed like the thing to do.

But at least I didn't lie about it, Jess.

Okay, I did! But you were driving me crazy.

(quietly): You wear a nightgown.

Are you talking about my long shirt? You look like the Little Match Girl, wandering around Victorian England selling matches for a penny.

I look like George Washington.

I was just trying to be a good couple.

Schmidt and Abby are doing it.

Well, Schmidt and Abby are crazy.

They're doing a lot of things.

Why can't we do this? I don't know.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh-oh.

Last time I saw you day-drinking was when you got kicked out of jazz ensemble.

I'm still pissed off about that.

What does that mean, "too enthusiastic"? How come you're not at the hotel? Did you and Nick break the bed? Because, legally, they cannot make you pay for that.

No.

I was by myself.

Oh, I've broken the bed by myself.

Big-time.

No, I went to the hotel to get away from Nick.

And I wore a robe and I watched a documentary about Ethel Kennedy and it was one of the best nights of my life.

So you win.

Your relationship's better than mine.

And I can't even share a room with Nick.

I don't win.

Come on.

I swing from guy to guy.

I don't think I have ever paid my own rent.

You travel the world, collecting lovers.

All my lovers could fit in one SUV.

And, yes, maybe somebody would have to sit on someone's lap, but they would fit.

And you're just brave.

You and Nick are brave.

You guys know each other, you get under each other's skin.

He has the feet of a hippy cult leader.

But that's the difference.

I just throw myself into whatever comes along because I really don't want to be alone.

Why not? Being alone's great.

You should try it sometime.

Seriously.

It might help you figure yourself out.

(sighs) You're Abby Freaking Day.

You can do whatever you want.

Except vote.

(laughs) But, seriously, you should've seen Nick's feet.

The bottoms are all black, except for one patch of yellow.

(laughs) - Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing? - Oh, just packing up your things and then I thought about what you would want and how you probably didn't want to move again, so I decided to do the right thing and just take your room.

My room's bigger.

Is it? I never - Nice try.

All right.

I got to move some stuff back then.

(chuckles) - Hey.

I'm sorry that this didn't work out.

I'm sorry that we sucked.

Look, we don't suck.

I'm crazy about you, but I don't have to spend every second with you in what amounts to a one-room log cabin.

Cabins are what drove the Pilgrims crazy.

That's why they k*lled each other at the Plymouth Rock m*ssacre.

That's not a real thing.

So how did the millions of Pilgrims die? There definitely weren't millions of Pilgrims.

Then how do you explain my 37-page essay about it? - I think you made it up in your head.

This seems like one of those - "agree to disagree" moments - No.

It's not.

I'm also older than you.

Anyway, I love you and someday we'll make this work.

I think so, too.

Just-just not now.

Not like this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But if you're not doing anything, want to come over? I am over.

(knocking) - Oh! - Hey, guys.

Uh, just a little hot goss from apartment 4C.

Abby's gone.

What? - She's gonna stay with your mom for a little bit.

Something about saving up to be independent? Wow.

Good for her.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You know in hindsight, maybe we moved a little bit too fast.

I just wish that I had realized that - before I rented her a storefront.

You rented her a storefront? It was a three-year lease in an undesirable neighborhood.

(chuckles) It totally obliterated my bank account, so I've decided to sublet my place, and I'll be moving back here, under duress.

Y-You're moving back in here? Well, it shouldn't be a problem, right? I mean, Coach is in my room, and you guys are now moving in together.

I'll just move into Jess' room.

Cool? - Yeah, but, like - Asking was just kind of a formality.

'Cause my name's on the lease, so You guys are the best.

Oh (sighs) (chuckles) - Yay! - Yay.

Cool.

Great.

Let's do this.

We can make it work.

You have to start washing your feet.