01x04 - VIP Treatment

[bunniefuu]

Rob: It's a concierge optometrist.

Patricia: What is that?

An eye doctor.

I know what an optometrist is.

But what is a "concierge optometrist?"

It's an eye doctor that's available 24 hours a day.

It's more expensive, but it's way worth it.

If you've got an eye problem, you just call him.

Well, if you have an eye problem, why can't you just go to a regular eye doctor?

What if it happens at 3:00 in the morning?

What eye problems are you expecting at 3:00 in the morning?

That's the whole point.

You never expect it, but when it happens, you've got one, you know?

You poke your eye at 3:00 in the morning?

Boom! You call this guy.

That's what you're paying extra for... access and availability.

That's crazy.

Look out!

(Scream)

(Tires screech)

(Gasp)

(Panicked breathing)

Hang on!

(Gasping, panicked breathing)

Oh God!

Call the police! Call the police!

Call 911!

Oh God.

Oh, this is going to be expensive.

f*ck. Oh God.

Oh my God, I don't have insurance for hitting people.

Oh f*ck.

(Siren)

Mr. Schneider, are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, uh, I just hit a guy.

Hitting a pedestrian can be very stressful, sir.

You could be in shock. You want to sit down, or?

I think I'm alright.

If you need anything, sir, don't hesitate to call me, alright?

Here is my phone number.

My cell phone is on there, too.

Call me any time of the night.

Thank you!

You're welcome, sir.

Excuse me.

Yes, ma'am?

What about him?

Oh, we're going to get some help for him as soon as we can.

My husband was the one driving the car.

He was hit by the car.

Mr. Schneider, can I get you somethin'?

Please, call me Rob.

Rob, can I get you a water?

Cold? Something to drink? Lemonade?

Maybe a water would be great, thanks.

Cold water for Mr. Schneider, partner!

Cop 2: Man, listen, I love your movies.

Deuce Bigalow, Big Stan. "You can do it!"

That's great!

Thanks, man.

I love your movies, too, sir.

Rob: Thank you.

Um... There is a guy on the ground, bleeding?

Oh, yeah. We called an ambulance...

Didn't we, partner?

I'm pretty sure.

You're "pretty sure?" Not 100% sure?

We need an ambulance here on...

Magnolia. Magnolia.

Magnolia.

Cop 1: No, Vine.

I think it's Vine, yeah.

Magnolia and Vine.

You know, I could actually give you guys a ride home and then make sure your car is delivered personally to your house tomorrow.

I don't want to be a hassle.

No, no, sir. It's no hassle. It's no problem at all.

I think I can drive, but thank you.

Cop 2: Hey, mind if we take a selfie?

Sure.

(Laugh)

My man!

You know what? At least let us escort you home, though.

Just to be safe.

Okay. Alright. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Is that guy dead?

Cop 1: No, I'm pretty sure he'll make it.

Yeah, he's alright.

Plus he's got that Obamacare. He'll be okay.

Rob: Hey, thanks for everything.

Cop 1: You're very welcome, sir.

Good guys.

Thanks, man. Alright. See ya.

(Chuckle)

Nice guys, huh?

You've got to be sh1tting me!

These guys know what they're doing, baby.

They're great.

Thanks, guys!

Deuce Bigalow!

They'll give us an escort. We'll probably get home fast.

♪
♪

You don't see anything wrong with what just happened back there?

Honey, the guy ran out right in front of the car.

I didn't even see him!

No, I'm talking about how the police cared more about you than the guy you hit.

Well there's not a lot I can do about that, is there?

Now what do you need this money for, again?

I need to pay the costumes for my male review show.

Alright.

I just made $40,000 from a casino.

How much money do you need?

5,000.

5,000?

Those guys hardly wear anything!

Yeah, but the designer's expensive.

Well, here... take ten.

There's eight.

95, 96, 97, 98, 99...

Oof! Ow, f*ck. Ow!

I just cut my finger.

Let me see.

That could be serious.

Yeah, it's alright.

It's just a money paper cut.

You know how much bacteria can be in money?

That's dangerous.

You're right.

This isn't just regular money.

This is Indian casino money!

Whores probably made this.

Casino whores!

God knows what they've got.

There could be antibacterial-resistant syphilis on there, from jerkin' off guys.

We need to get you to the hospital.

♪
♪

Excuse me?

Hi. What do I do?

I don't know.

If only there was a sign by my head that said "Take a num... "

Oh look, there is!

Oh my God, Rob Schneider! How can I help you?

Hi, um, I cut my finger.

My wife insisted that we come down, 'cause I... I mean, it just stopped bleeding, like, 20 minutes ago.

Oh my gosh, forget about the number.

I can even fill out your forms for you.

Well, thank you! That's nice.

Come on back. I'll get the doctor.

That's awesome. Thank you!

They can see us right away.

We're not going to cut in front of all those people.

I'm just doing what the nice lady said.

She said "follow." We should follow her.

We're going to take a number, like everyone else.

Honey, celebrities don't take numbers.

We're not like everybody else.

We can k*ll people... like O.J.

Who gives a f*ck?

This is crazy!

Those people are really injured.

Yeah, and this is pretty deep, okay?

Now come on. The doctor's waiting.

You can't keep a doctor waiting.

Just making these people wait even longer.

You!

That's the guy who hit me!

Jesus...

(Groan)

♪

It's going to be about an hour and 50 minute wait.

You can take a seat over there in the back if you like.

We're just really busy right now.

Hi, how you doing?

I'm sorry, it's going to be at least an hour...

Rob Schneider!

Actually, I think a booth just opened up in the back.

Let me take you there.

Perfect! We'll get a booth.

Let's go to our booth. Excuse us. Sorry.

We got a booth. We're going to our booth.

Excuse us.

You're spoiled.

What do you mean?

You get all this VIP treatment.

You don't even know what it's like for normal people, like those people having to wait out there.

I get treated nice because I'm nice to people.

People are nice to you because you're in movies.

It's because I'm likeable and kind to strangers.

It's because you're famous.

It's not just that. People like me!

They sense my inner goodness.

If that hostess didn't know you were famous, we would still be sitting out there waiting with that pre-diabetic family.

We probably saved their lives.

You only focus on the positives of fame.

Fame has way more negatives.

I would like to see you as some anonymous guys just once.

You don't even know what it's like any more.

That's not true.

Should I use my American Express black card, or silver?

(Sigh)

I made you guys a little somethin' for dessert.

I made two cheese cakes, just for you.

Mr. Schneider, it's great to have you here.

No, no, no! Put that card away.

This is on me.

Thank you so much for making me laugh all these years.

Thank you.

"You can do it!"

(Chuckle)

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Chef: Enjoy. Enjoy.

That was nice.

Should I leave a tip?

Of course!

I mean, you saw how much he liked me.

He probably included the tip.

Leave it.

♪
♪

Rob: Hey, Jamie.

Hey.

Feed the fish today?

Uh, no.

How about yesterday?

Uh, I'm not sure.

What about the day before?

I don't know. Why?

Because he's f*cking dead!

What? Are you sure?

Well, he could be faking it.

But what would he have to gain from that, Jamie?

That's a good question. I don't have an answer.

You're a fish-k*ller.

What do we do?

Good question.

I guess we go back in time and feed the fish.

Wait... we can't go back in time.

That would require a time machine.

Well, I don't know what we do now.

Jamie: I'm sorry.

Wow. You're sorry.

You hear that? Jamie's sorry!

(Knocks on bowl)

Sorry!

Wait, he's still dead. Aw!

You're still a m*therf*cker.

Okay.

Well, now you gotta go to Petco and spend three dollars and get another fish.

Okay.

Now I gotta flush it down the toilet... something YOU should be doing.

You can have that fish.

I heard that!

Well, my friend...

Back to the sea.

♪
♪

Oh! My Buddha!

sh*t.

♪

(Slowed voice) Jamie!

(On phone) Where the f*ck are you?

I'm at the fish store.

Do you know what colour the fish was again?

You were just looking its a dead body, you moron.

You don't know what colour it was?

Jamie: You just flushed it down a toilet.

Do you know what colour it was?

Rob: Just get a dark one and get your ass back here.

"Dark one?"

♪

Did you get the fish?

I got a fish.

Let me see it.

Does it look like the other one?

I don't f*ckin' know!

Is it close enough?

Just put it in the bowl.

And call a plumber.

I need you to get him over here as quick as you can.

Don't k*ll it!

You just got it.

(Phone vibrating)

Rob: Hi, baby.

Hi, honey. Can you pick me up at the circus school?

Yeah, sure.

Patricia: I'm just reminding you there's gonna be a little custom fitting at the house tonight.

For what?

For my male revue show.

At 6:30, all the guys are showing up.

How many dicks are we talkin'?

I don't know. Around seven or eight.

Hey, they won't be there for long, I promise.

Look, I wish we could have a five d*ck limit at any one time at the house.

Hm. I don't know.

Okay, I gotta go. Love you. Bye!

Bye. See you soon. Love you.

♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪
♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪

Rob: Hey, baby!

Hey!

Rob: Hi.

(Smooch)

Wow.

I always wanted to try that, street performing.

You know, following people around, making fun of them.

I always wanted to try that sh*t.

You can still do it.

Naw, I'm too famous now. It'll never happen.

Why don't you take the street performing class?

What's the point?

I can't actually do anything with it.

It might be fun.

It won't work because everyone would recognize me.

Not if you're wearing mime makeup.

Let me see if my schedule has an opening...

(Laugh)

Come on.

Being rich and famous can be a total pain in the ass.

Any time somethin' goes wrong at the house, I always get r*ped on the price.

It sucks being famous.

But if you get the chance, I would still do it.

Totally worth it.

How's it look?

There's no problem at all.

I just run a snake in here, you're done in, like, five, ten minutes.

Okay!

How's it look?

Wow!

Rob Schneider!

I'm a huge fan!

Thanks, man. How's it look?

It's probably going to take a while.

I'm gonna have to order some special tools, maybe bring in another guy or two...

Why?

I gotta replace the whole toilet.

You gotta be sh1tting me!

When you take off the toilet, you break the seal.

You gotta replace it with a new one.

You can't just put the old toilet back.

The seal's broke.

Why can't you just get a new seal?

I wish I could.

How much?

Let's see.

Replace the toilet...

Get you another sink...

You've gotta replace the sink?

You're going to want it the match, right?

You can't get another toilet with that sink.

It'll look weird!

How much is this gonna cost me?

I'd say about, uh...

2,500 bucks.

$2,500 to take a Buddha out of the toilet?

That's crazy!

What's the big deal? You've got the money.

That's not the point.

It's a toilet, and you fix it.

And it costs what it costs.

It doesn't cost a crazy amount more just because you know who I am.

That's f*cked up.

But thanks for the estimate. We'll call ya, okay?

No problem.

I'm a huge fan!

Wish I could say the same.

Can you believe that guy?

Yeah. Pretty amazing, right?

I got him to come here in less than an hour.

That's not what I meant. $2,500 is ridiculous!

How do you want me to pay for it, cash or cheque?

I don't want you to pay him anything!

Yeah, you shouldn't pay him anything.

Find somebody to fix my toilet for under a thousand.

Rob: Hi, honey.

Hi, baby.

This is weird.

What is?

There's something wrong with my fish.

How can you tell?

It's a different fish.

What's different about it?

Patricia: Well...

The size, the colour, the kind of fish...

Are you sure? Looks similar enough to me.

Yeah, well, the other one used to be red.

And this one is yellow.

A lot of things can affect a fish's colour.

You know, food, the temperature, the tides...

The tides? It's in a bowl.

Well, the moon is very powerful.

I mean, any large body of water...

What happened?

Jamie k*lled the fish.

And then I flushed it down the toilet.

Then the jade Buddha fell in there and got stuck in there.

Did you call a plumber?

Yeah, and he wanted $2,500 to fix it.

That's crazy!

But it includes a new sink.

We don't need a new sink!

That's what I said.

You see, honey, there is a downside to this fame thing.

Yeah. So does having two dummies in the house.

But I told Jamie to call somebody and get somebody to fix it for a thousand.

A thousand?! I'll take care of it myself.

¡Asesino de peces!

¡Asesino!

Could have been worse.

¿Cómo van?

Ya va. Ya mero 'no más deme un poquito mas de tiempo se lo vamos a echar a andar oiga.

Perfecto, yo sabía que ustedes eran los buenos.

Where'd you find these guys?

There's a construction site up the street, with some extra Mexicans.

Extra Mexicans?

Mmm-hmm. These are my people.

How much is this going to cost?

They wanted 60 bucks and I got them down to 40 and three sandwiches.

That's good.

I know.

Even if they steal some sh*t, we're still way ahead.

Awesome.

Okay. We pulled it out Take it out. Ya está fix.

Ready to go.

Perfecto.

No, no. ¿Cómo que perfecto?

¿Los sandwiches?

Where's my Buddha?

'ora.

And where's my silver soap dish?

Here.

There you go, guys.

Eso es todo man.

Patricia: Todo bien.

(Phone vibrates)

How did the Stalker get my new number?

What are you talking about, Stalker?

Patricia's costume for the male revue!

Let me tell you something, pal, they're pretty skimpy.

So?

Do you remember that Lululemon pants controversy?

Kinda.

They were so thin, you could see right through them!

Now instead of looking at a middle aged woman's assh*le, we're gonna see a sack of balls just hangin'!

I don't think either one of us want to see that.

You're right. I don't.

(Car approaching)

That's her costumer right there!

You better go.

Okay, okay.

Rob: Hi.

Hi.

I've got 120 costumes for Patricia Schneider.

I'll help you unload them.

This is all of them.

They're in here?

Yeah.

All of them?

Yeah, and a couple extras, just in case.

Jesus Christ! How small are they?

It's what Patricia ordered.

Yeah, but I think you misunderstood her.

You see, Patricia has an accent.

Sometimes, when she speaks, that accent kind of...

You misinterpret what she's saying, and she didn't really mean that.

Well, she was pretty specific and we went back and forth several times on the designs.

I think you should go back and rework them.

Think more NBA baggy shorts, less d*ck bulge.

I'm not sure I can do that.

I'm pretty sure you can.

I don't think so.

♪

People think, just because you're in movies and on TV, that you should just throw money around like it's not a big deal.

Well, it is a big deal.

And it is a shitload of money.

♪
♪

Hey, buddy. Venti caramel macchiato.

Thanks, pal. This is for you.

Five bucks? That's it?

Coffee's only four bucks. What kind of tip do you expect?

But you're loaded.

You can afford, like, a hundred dollars.

Yeah, I could afford like a thousand bucks, but you're not gonna get that either.

You're just a cheap bastard.

How am I a cheap bastard?

I tipped 100 percent!

Actually, I tipped 125 percent!

But I'm working in a coffee shop and you're rich.

You could share some of that.

Well, that's how people stay rich... by not sharing.

Hey, is that Rob Schneider?

Yeah, and he only tipped five bucks.

What?

Hey, you only tipped this guy five bucks?

I thought you were rich!

You made all those movies with Adam Sandler.

What does that have to do with how much I'm supposed to tip?

Still, I mean, five bucks? That's nothing to you!

How much did you tip?

A dollar.

Well then, you're the cheap bastard.

That's like me tipping a quarter!

No, tipping is all about income ratio disparity.

What?

Yeah.

You make millions, right?

I make, like, 50 grand a year.

So a dollar to me is like a hundred dollars to you.

Where am I, in Norway right now?

No, it's called economics.

Here's my economics...

I'm gonna go out to my $150,000 car, drive back to my two million dollar house, and hang out with my hot, 29 year old wife!

♪
♪

Here's 20 dollars.

Barista: Thanks.

Hey, Rob...

What about me?

Screw you! You don't even work here!

What an assh*le.

Yeah, a real d*ck.

Hey, you know, half of that's mine.

Alright, you got change?

You got ten?

Yeah.

Alright, thanks.

See you on the next famous person.

Jesus!

What the f*ck?!

♪ (Electronic dance music) ♪

Hey, Rob!

What are you doin' without your pants on?

I dunno, it seemed like that's what everybody else was doing.

Patricia: Hi, baby!

I can't believe the costumes are not here.

I'm calling Bonny.

No, no, don't call Bonny. You know...

I'll take care of it. You stay here.

You have six other... dicks that need your attention.

Jesus Christ!

Here's the deal...

Patricia's all excited about this male revue show.

But I think this is just a phase she's going through.

Now, if I can just delay this for like a week or two, she'll get distracted by something else...

Hopefully something that involves a lot less cocks in my house.

♪

I'm sorry this is all happening.

Maybe you should just delay your show.

That's not happening.

I mean, you can't rehearse the show without costumes.

I always have a plan B.

What's plan B?

I'll have the guys rehearse naked.

Right, Dudo?

Mm-hm.

Listen, Bonnie, if you don't have those costumes here in 45 minutes, you will never work in this town again.

♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪
♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪
♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪

I have something to tell you that's going to make you very happy.

Are you going to get up with the baby at night and let me sleep?

Better.

Hm.

This Thursday, I'm taking you to the circus.

That sounds fun, but what about taking care of Miranda at night?

That's your time.

I don't wanna take that away from you.

That's your bonding. You need that time.

(Sigh) Mm-hm.

They have a matinee performance... and they're going to let me perform as a mime.

What?

Not during the show. Right before it starts.

Still pretty cool.

There you go with your special treatment again.

That's exactly what I was talking about.

Maybe it's not because I'm famous.

Maybe it's because I'm really good at it.

You ever think about that?

You've only taken one class.

Yeah, I'm a natural.

All those other guys were still stuck in their boxes.

I was climbing ropes!

Be careful, honey. You're very high.

Don't fall off.

(Laugh)

♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪

(Audience applauding)

♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪

(Audience laughing)

(Audience laughing)

♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪

(Audience laughing)

♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪

(Audience laughing)

(Audience laughing)

♪ (French-inspired instrumental music) ♪

(Audience murmuring in shock)

(Audience groaning, complaining, and murmuring)

(Audience gasps)

♪ (Bossa nova) ♪

(Slurry voice) What number is that?

Patricia: 62.

What number is this?

117.

How many away is it from now?

Enough to read a magazine, honey.

c**t.

♪ (Bossa nova) ♪

David?

David Spade?

Hey.

Hi... Oh, David Spade!

Hey, um, I feel like maybe my leg fell asleep and I don't know if that's bad.

Oh yeah, that can be really serious!

Rob: David!

(Slurry) It's me, Rob!

I did a movie with you.

It's me!

Maybe I could go, like, right this second, because there's weirdos out here.

I can get you back right away. The doctor's right here!

Thank you so much.

Rob: David!

Nurse: David Spade!

Rob: Why is he going first?

I have a number!

I have a number.

He doesn't have a number.

I know...

They took him right in!

David didn't have a number.

(Sobbing) I have a number!

It's okay, honey.

Welcome to the real world.

(Sobbing) It sucks my assh*le...

(Sniffle)